Lower Delinga to celebrate Molotov-Ribbentorp Pact 70th anniversary.

asshole Lower Delinga has done it again. It will be the only country in the world to celebrate the notorious treaty between Stalin and Hitler of August 1939.

Said their idiot leader Brown Harry Omar: "The treaty between the two powers shows that diplomacy does work, that talk is better than war. That they did go to war after was not because Hitler was lying all the while. Someone else wanted them to go to war. It is probably America's fault that the Soviets and Nazis did go to war. And America should admit and apologize for the war that happened afterwards."

Corn Oil Baths in Lower Delinga

The notorious Wuxi Expat trio of Rasmussen, Hagel, and Spree who were banned from ever entering Upper Delinga because of their crimes against morality, and little children, have been permitted entry into asshole Lower Delinga where Micheal Jackson has been deified.

And what immoral activities did Rasmussen, Hagel and Spree engage in? Corn Oil Bathing. They, however shocked the not-so-easily-shocked locals by refusing assistance in having their bodies oiled. Said Rasmussen: "Hagel and Spree have been oiling me up for years. In fact, we have been oiling each other and we are very familiar with each other's bodies and how to give them delight. There is this special kind of cheese we like to rub each other with. Heaven!"

Asked when they were to return to Wuxi, Hagel said "You will see an announcement in http://wuxiguide.net."

Asked if he would ever get another teaching job in Wuxi, Spree said "Some schools are desperate, they would even take a fat lazy cunt like me!"

The Queen of Lower Delinga

Wuxi Expats contemplate suicide after clouds block solar eclipse.

Many Wuxi Expats are contemplating killing themselves because of the Solar Eclipse they weren't able to see.

Said one Wuxi Expat: "All I have worked for has come for nought! The months I spent getting drunk in bars. The months I spent befriending strange people from Toronto, New Zealand, Berlin, Copenhagen, and Winnipeg! The summers I endured in this intolerable humidity! All so I could see the solar eclipse here! And what happens!?! It rains."

Other Wuxi Expats have seen it as proof of biblical revelation and found religion. "Wuxi really is a den of iniquity. God hath smote the eclipse has punishment." sayeth one.

Others are happy that they didn't get retinal burn.

Sayeth a Upper Delingan on hearing of the Wuxi Expat plight: "At least they are far away from asshole Lower Delinga. We are stuck next to those bastards and have to smell them everyday. Darn prevailing northerlies. There ought to be a law...."

Lower Delingans make convenant with Michael Jackson.

asshole Lower Delingans have surely gone too far. Yesterday,they deified Michael Jackson and established a new convenant with the King of Pop - a convenant they say that supercedes the convenants of the Old and New Testatments. The doctrine of the convenant? It is time to go to bed when the big hand touches the little hand.

Upper Delinga and Wuxi Expat Community now sister communites.

Why has there been news about Wuxi Expats in an Upper Delinga site? Well, the two cities are officially sister communites effective July 22, 2009.

Upper Delinga names street after George Bush.

Upper Delinga really stuck it to asshole Lower Delinga by re-naming one of its' major streets to honour former U.S. president George W. Bush. Said Upper Delinga's prime minister: "Bush did many great things in the service of freedom. For this we salute him!"

Meanwhile, asshole Lower Delinga erected statues in honour of Fidel Castro, Jimmy Carter, and Joseph Stalin in its one public square.

Over 150 Countries to attend First-ever World Sock Organizing Conference in Upper Delinga

Agamemnom, the Upper Delingan Minister of Socks and Closets, told UDJ, in an exclusive interview that over 150 nations are expected to send representatives to the first ever World Sock Organizing Conference that will be held August 15 to August 21 at the Upper Delingan Polytechnical High School Gymnasium in New Kemany.

"With the Vatican agreeing to send a representative, we now have 150 nations pledged to come to display all the cutting-edge technology and methods of organizing your socks in your drawers."

Continued the Minister: "I say that there is a ninety percent possibility that a world treaty with a satisfactory compromise between the proponents of organizing your socks by colour, proponents of organizing your socks by use, and proponents of putting your favorite socks on top will be signed, guaranteeing true peace in our time. It is a little known fact that what the emnity between the Israelis and Palenstenians really comes from a dispute over where to put old sports socks that could be used as rags."

Asked about the controversy surrounding the Americans wanting to send Joe Biden the Minister said they had finally shamed the Americans into not sending him. "Sending V.P. Biden, we told President Obama, would be seen as a grave insult because we don't want anyone to think that organizing socks is a frivolous thing to think about. And when you consider that world peace could be achieved at the conference, it only took me twenty minutes to get Obama to change his mind. Though, I can't help thinking the President was jealous because he wants to achieve global peace and understanding all by himself."

Not all that many Wussie Expats.

In a exclusive interview with UDJ, a prominent member of the Wuxi Expat Community nicknamed RAD wished to tell the world this: "While a consiserable portion of the Wuxi Expat community is gay, it doesn't mean much in absolute numbers since the Wuxi Expat population isn't all that big to begin with. So fear not. And let's not paint all Wuxi Expats with the Wussie Expat hairbrush or paintbush . And ask before you decide to spank a Wuxi Expat, to get his consent. I am strongly behind the idea spanking that is only consensual."

Asked to clarify if this meant he was against spanking naughty children, RAD replied: "Oh yeah! I never thought of that. Oops!"

Lower Delinga makes Michael Jackson Minister of the Children.

asshole Lower Delinga, has granted citizenship to disgraced and all-still-alive King of Pop Michael Jackson in order to give him a cabinet post in their national government.

Jackson was made Minister of the Children, a more powerful position than one would initially suspect, giving Jackson complete control of Lower Delingan education policy, family housing, and ultimately all Lower Delingan children.

Lower Delinga signs Friendship Treaty with Denmark

In a move, similar in treachery to the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact and the KoW taking AKIC's bar of chocolate from atop his luggage, asshole Lower Delinga signed a peace treaty with Denmark in Toronto, Canada. Lower Delinga became the only country to recognize Denmark's claim to Hans Island.

Asshole Lower Delinga was also the first country to accept Iran and North Korea's justifications for developing nuclear weapons. Lower Delinga has placed a order for some North Korean Dong ICBMs. Asshole Lower Delinga was also the first foreign government to praise the proposed health care reforms of the Obama Administration.

Wuxi China Gay Expat Community getting "behind" Solar Eclipse.

Wussie Expats, gay foreigners who live in Wuxi, China, are getting very excited about the coming Solar Eclipse which can be seen in the Jiangsu city near Shanghai.

Said one Wussie Expat, named Andy: "The Wussie Expat community is coming to my house, and we will be behind each other when we watch a gorgeous moon block a sunny gorgeous ass! Chad will be behind Fred who will be behind Stewart who will be behind Andreas who will be behind Niels who will be behind McGuire who will be behind Peter who will be behind another Peter who will be behind Dave who will be behind Oscar who will be behind Adam who be will behind Steve who will be behind Francois who will be behind Larry and Larry who in turn will be behind Ronald who will be behind Jeremiah who will be behind Ishmael who will be behind Joe who will be behind Danny who will be behind Kaviar who will be behind Robert who will be behind Mark who will be behind Tom who will be behind Mike who will be behind Fargus-Fynn-Tim-Lin-Ole-Ole-Biscuit-Barrel who will be behind Captain Kirk who will be behind Michael Moore who will be behind Marco who will be behind that gorgeous, brawny, bruiser boy Bloggins who I will have the deep honour of holding the piece of paper with the hole in it for our pinhole camera. We will have a super-duper time!"

Michael Jackson Alive and "Well" in Lower Delinga.

The so-called king of pop star has faked his death so he can live in asshole Lower Delinga, staffers at the Upper Delinga Journal have learned.

Lower Delinga, the twentieth first century version of Sodom and Gommorah, is a depraved place as has ever existed, so it is not a stretch to believe that the pop star would fake his death and move there.

Upper Delingan Episcopalians to attend Wuxi Episcopalian Orgy in Wuxi, China

Three Upper Delingan Episcopalians boarded a plane at the U.D. International Airport for a flight headed to the Pudong Airport in Shanghai, China. From Shanghai, China the three UDE's, Frank, Andy, and Sophia-Laura will take the train to Wuxi, China for the 10th annual World Episcopalian Orgy that will be held from July 17 to July 25 at the Blue Bar and Ronnie's in downtown Wuxi, China.

Andy said that the Solar Eclipse on July 22 will make for a great orgy that night. The Solar Eclipse and Wuxi's excellent visibility advantage of the eclipse were the reasons for the Chinese city to be chosen as the orgy host.

Frank when asked to comment on the controversy of the Chinese government banning Danish Episcopalians from attending because they were "a sexually degenerate people that preyed on people in public baths by dropping soap." said that "while it was true that many Danish people, because of their Viking origins and their weird Scandinavian pronunciation, do fit the stereotype of liking to assault others in showers, it was unfair to tar Danish Episcopalians with that brush because it was in fact their Episcopalianism that was stopping them from being so. strange. Danish Episcopalians like sex that is consensual. Rape is out! Gang Band Orgies are in!"

The Immaculate Reception.

It is a myth that the Pittsburgh Steelers played the Oakland Raiders in the famous Immaculate Reception Game of 1972. In fact, the Upper Delinga Steelers beat the Lower Delinga Raiders in that 1972 NFL Divisional Playoff Game. Here is the video of the play as shown on UNBC (known as NBC in America).

The Erotic Adventure of Milard Filmore, English Teacher

1

Senior Teacher Judd Watkins had a decision to make. Which of the staff at Bang-On Cooperative International English was he to send to the All-Girls School on the outskirts of Wuxi, the city in which BOCIE was located.?

He should send Jim Carter, but that man would tender his resignation having been to the All-Girls School several times this semester already. Carter said the girls at the school were incorrigible. Carter had said on his resume that he had experience as a Marine Drill Sergeant - patently untrue as Watkins realized but he needed a body that could emit English sounds - even if the body was slight and frail as Carter was.

Watkins couldn’t send John Diefenbaker, the sixty year-old retired teacher from the Saskatchewan school system, because he wanted to go to an All-Girls School. It just wouldn’t do to send him. Every group of foreign teachers has to have at least one letch in it, Watkins observed, it seemed a law of nature.

Watkins, five year veteran of the school could send Harold McMillan, but he had issues about tardiness which was an effect from issues of drunkenness and promising to marry any local bar girl who would talk to him. McMillan was also one of those teachers who called in sick when the going got tough. He just wouldn’t do!

Watkins could have sent himself but he had promised himself and his wife, a local girl with whom they had a son, that he would get others to do the less desirable public school classes

So Senior teacher Watkins decided he would have to send the new guy Millard Filmore. Filmore was a divorced Scotsman, or so he said. Why he was divorced was immediately apparent to anyone who talked to him for thirty seconds. How he got married in the first place was another question altogether. Perhaps, Watkins over-idealized the common sense of woman. Irregardless, Watkins liked the fact that Filmore was a body that was easily slotted into the weekly schedule. Whatever issues that Watkins had with other staff did not apply to Filmore just yet. Filmore hadn't been around long enough for Watkins to have been flooded with complaints. Filmore came in two hours earlier than necessary to prepare for his classes - so unconfident he was.

2

Filmore, having been told about the teaching assignment, was immediately filled with trepidation. Watkins used all arguments he could think of, to use on a newbie, to make Filmore not worry so. But, Filmore was not enthusiastic.

“I have to teach four classes of fifty students! Tomorrow?!?” he exclaimed.

Replied Watkins: “Here is the material they have been taught. Review it with them. If they ignore you or mock you, just carry on as best you can!”

“What is the students’ level of English?”

“They are good at imitating sounds and making gestures.”

“Won’t there be a native teacher to help me?”

“Don’t be a wuss!”

“You sound like my ex-wife!”


3

A driver picked up Filmore and his Chinese handler at six the next morning. Filmore was excited at the prospect of seeing the Chinese countryside. Senior Teacher Watkins had told him the virtues and exoticness of it (as a means of trying to sell him on what really was a shit detail.) On the other hand, Melissa, his Chinese handler, seemed rather blasé about the trip

Filmore, having only been in China about three weeks, had not yet become accustomed to the driving proclivities of the locals. Watkins, not telling Filmore, thought of them as corrupt, wannabe F-1 drivers.

The car, Filmore and Melissa, were driven in was a late model sedan scratched on all its' corners. Its’ ashtrays were filled with cigarettes. Its’ radio blared English pop music that oozed of snappiness. Filmore saw a “Michael Learns to Rock” CD in a slot below the ashtray. Melissa told Filmore that the driver was playing the English pop CD for him. “Do you think it is cool?” continued Melissa. Trying not to hesitate and in anyway sound ungrateful (Watkins lectured him on this), Filmore exclaimed “Yes.”.

Filmore then asked how long the drive to the school would be.

“50 hours” said Melissa.

Filmore, uncertain what Melissa said asked “Do you mean 50 or 15?”

“50 hours”.

“hours?”

“Oh sorry! 50 minutes.”

“50 or 15?”

“What?”

“Five-oh or one-five?”

“What?”

“Did you say five-oh, I mean, five-zero minutes or one-five minutes?”

Just then, the car started off and Melissa became pale.

Filmore, finally noticing this, asked Melissa: “What is the matter?”.

“Driving in a car makes me sick!”

“Why?”

“I rarely ride in car!”

“You mean you get carsick?”

“What?”

Filmore saw that he had no one to talk to. He remembered Watkins answering his query the day before with something to the effect that he, Filmore, would get there when he got there. Filmore now knew why Watkins had been so vague on this point.


4



The driver’s driving was from another world. Filmore lost count about how many times the driver cut-off other drivers, ran red-lights, went the wrong way down one-ways, and rode on the side walk. Obviously, the driver wasn’t going to let rules slow him down. What surprised Filmore most was that none of the other drivers and cyclists and pedestrians on the road were not put off by his maneuvering.

The cyclists were just as bad. The first time a cyclist turned into traffic without looking, Filmore screamed. The driver just laughed and seemed to take it as an challenge to drive even faster.

On an elevated highway, the driver passed a semi on its right-hand side (that is its’ blind spot) by riding on the shoulder.

Passing a semi on a divided road, Filmore swore that the driver just missed an oncoming truck by inches as he returned to the proper lane.

Filmore then remembered the advice that Watkins had offered saying not to look at traffic but the scenery.

The scenery first thrilled Filmore. All the cyclists and the patch-work houses of the countryside seemed quaint. But, then it became monotonous as Filmore realized what a populous country he was now in. It didn’t help that he heard the “Take Me to Your Heart” song for the third time running.

The road then became bumpier - the cyclists and pedestrians more reckless about their safety. Filmore caught one cyclist turning his bike leftwards while looking rightwards. Filmore shrieked as he saw the front of car unable to avoid the cyclist.

The driver drove on about fifty meters before finally coming to a stop. He got out of the car and looked at its right front, inspecting it for damage. The driver then looked back the cyclist, who Filmore saw, was struggling to get back to his feet. The driver shrugged his shoulders and returned to the driver’s seat.

The driver then said something to Melissa who translated for Filmore: “He said he was sorry that you screamed. He hopes you are okay.”

Filmore, aghast yet again, could only say “No problem.” There was no point in telling Melissa his concerns about the cyclist.

Finally, they arrived at the school.

5

Wuxi Lian Zhou Experimental School for Unsocietable Girls was a typical Chinese Public School, though Filmore didn’t know it. Its series of two-storey brick buildings were strewn about the grounds among sidewalks and bushes in a maze like pattern. The main courtyard has a statue of a stone mold which Filmore thought of as quaint as it reminded him (or rather he forced a connection in his mind) of photos of Japanese Zen Rock Gardens he had seen. Walking to the classroom he was to teach, Melissa and he crossed a square in the center of which was a monument pedestal consisting of bent and curved aluminium sheets intertwined around steel balls that look like large snooker balls. Filmore thought it was quaint - post modern de-constructionist sculpture or something.

Most of the students were already in their classrooms, having finished their morning exercises. When some of them caught sight of the lanky and wrinkled Filmore, they tittered. A few then screamed “hello!” at Filmore, who newbie that he was, said “hello!” back. He then felt something hit his back or at least he thought he did. He looked behind and saw nothing so he supposed it had come from the second floor. He then looked on the ground and saw what he swore was a bra.

Melissa took Filmore to the Head Master’s Office. Filmore was given a plastic clear cup with green tea to sip. He didn’t know what to do with the tea because leaves were still floating on the top. He waited a few minutes in hopes of them sinking to the bottom but they didn’t. Thirsty, craving a coffee, but having no choice but to drink the tea, he sipped the tea. Leaves got into his mouth and he made a fool of himself by trying to spit them out. The Head Master then came into the office. She was a Iron lady, thought Filmore, as visions of his ex-wife, Margaret Thatcher (without the PM’s charm) and Hilary Clinton floated in his head. The Head Master’s iron grip handshake made Filmore realize he was living in a dictatorship. He felt absolute contempt from her eyes.

Shaken to the core, Filmore was then taken to the classroom where was he greeted by fifty girls who seemed to scream in delight at his entrance. Though he was put off by the Head Master, the screaming girls quickly made him feel like the Beatles (Watkins had told him to expect Filmore-a-mania as a means of suckering him into going to the school.) And so for the first five minutes of the class, the class seemed rapt in wonderment at Filmore, listening to every word and nuance as he introduced himself.

But then he attempted to ask one of the girls a question.

“What’s your name?”, he asked a pimply faced girl in the front seat, right hand row of the classroom.

“I’m fine! How are you?” asked the girl.

“No, no.....” started Filmore as he made a futile attempt to correct the girl before moving on to the next student.

“How are you?” asked Filmore.

“The weather today is cloudy!” replied the girl behind the pimply faced girl.

Filmore then moved on to the next girl

“Hello!” said Filmore to the third girl seated in the right hand row.

He was greeted by absolute silence.

“HELLO!”, he repeated.

“You must be shy!”, he continued

Filmore left it at that.

The Fourth girl in the right hand row of the classroom was beautiful. She had perfect facial features, erotic but demure eyes, robust chest, and a smile that was a combination of innocence and keenness to learn. She answered Filmore’s questions perfectly, though somehow Filmore sensed that her English was the result of rote-learning and could never approach idiomatic knowledge. Filmore then could have sworn that the girl winked at him but with fifty students to talk to he didn’t have the time to think of the implications. Anyway, this girl’s name was Jessabelle. Following Jessabelle’s example, the other girls in the class answered Filmore’s questions correctly. Filmore quickly realized that the girls would follow Jessabelle’s example on every question. Jessabelle quickly became the go-to girl for the rest of the class.

Filmore couldn’t figure out why all the other girl’s were also named Jessabelle.

6

Jessabelle proved the only good thing to happen in any of the four classes Filmore taught. The classes all followed the same pattern as Filmore had the girls’ attention for about five minutes before the girls all started to talk amongst themselves. Filmore gave up talking to them as a group and sought the students who could understand what he was saying.

By the time he was finished, Filmore was emotionally exhausted. His was hoarse from his initial efforts to an entire class to pay attention. He had experienced a lot, but the experiences were so awkward he couldn’t see how he make any worthwhile late night bar anecdotes at him. So many moments of misunderstanding without once accidentally having a logic of nonsense.

Filmore looked forward to sleeping on the car ride home. It was the thought that sustained him through the final class.

But his handler walked up to him with a look of grave concern on her face.

“What is the matter, Melissa?” he asked.

“There is problem. The driver’s car is broken. We can’t go home but tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow! Where will we stay?”

“I live with other teacher. You can live in the school.”

“Where in the school?”

“The student building has a bed.”

“Okay!” gulped, Filmore.


7

The room in which Filmore was to spend the night was meant for the dormitory supervisor. In practice, the room was abandoned though the bed frame and some chairs were there, of course covered with dust. The room did have a private bathroom but lacked a Western toilet.

Filmore having to go, had no choice but squat for only the second time since he had arrived in China. A quick learner on this point, Filmore took off his pants, underwear, shoes and socks to avoid the embarrassment of the first squat.

It was just then that someone entered the room. Filmore was caught literally with his pants off. The girl who entered was Jessabelle, the Jessabelle whose name really was Jessabelle. Giggling, Jessabelle asked Filmore if he would like to come to her dorm room and have supper with her roommates who had stolen food from the Refectory.

“We can practice our English too!” added Jessabelle.

“Sure” replied Filmore, “Just let me put my pants back on!”.

“It’s okay!” Jessabelle exclaimed, as he grabbed him by the hand and pulled him to her dorm room which was only two doors down the hall.

It turned out Jessabelle was lying about wanting English practice. There was no food, and no roommates. Jessabelle only had some cigarettes for them to share. Jessabelle had her way with Filmore for a few hours. Then, Filmore had his, forgetting all about his pants.

Friends or Followers of Jessabelle then slowly filtered into the room. The first to enter, didn’t knock, interrupting Filmore but not bothering Jessabelle in the least. Jessabelle spoke to the girl who started taking off her clothes.. Jessabelle speaking in Chinese to the girl, said something, to make her giggle.

Filmore, all agape, said “What?’.

Jessabelle said “I told Ming Li that you very good teacher!”

Filmore, unsure, asked “English?”

Jessabelle giggling replied “No! Not that!”

Slowly, more girls dropped in on Filmore’s impromptu class. Filmore, thinking of Watkins, thought: “I can say I have achieved maximum participation!”

The class seemed to last all night with students coming in and leaving Jessabelle’s dorm room. Filmore eventually fell asleep thoroughly exhausted.

8

He awoke with Jessabelle sleeping beside. He at first smiled but then thought of the propriety of it. He immediately ran out. He quickly realized he had forgotten where his assigned room was. Choosing the wrong way, he passed a whole lot of girls aghast at the sight of a lanky man running down the dormitory corridor with no pants on. Realizing that his room was at the other end of the long dormitory hallway and having seen that the hall was full of girls, Filmore thought maybe he could get to his room by running outside and around the building.

It seemed to be a good choice for the school grounds were empty. He ran around the building not seen by anymore girls. He turned the corner to get to the entrance where his room and his pants were nearby. But who should he see when he turned the corner?

It was an older woman, a Chinese version of Joan Collins. But she glared at Filmore who realized that he had run into the Head Master. Filmore was too paralyzed by fear to run into his room.

The Head Master made Filmore follow her to the office. She didn’t understand Filmore begging to get his pants. At the office, Filmore was knocked out of his daze by the slamming of two doors. The first was at the entrance to the Head Master’s office. The second was at the entrance to the Head Master’s inner sanctum.

In the inner sanctum, language was not necessary. The Head Master had her way with Filmore for what seemed an eternity.

Unconscious, Filmore was thrown into the repaired car which drove him back to BOCIE. The driver rudely woke Filmore up, pointing at something but Filmore did not know what. Filmore then wondered where Melissa was. Filmore then wondered where his pants were.

Arriving at the school pantless, Filmore was forced to submit his resignation. While it would be a pain-in-the-ass to find employment, Filmore decided the night he experienced made all the inconvenience worth it.

Wuxi's Best Expat Sex Site

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