Thursday, March 31, 2011

Encirclement of the former King of Wuxi's Casa has begun.

Operation Chocolate Bad Egg Hunt, the mission to capture Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi, is now in its operational phase.  Speaking from Yalta, Manitoba, a town newly created for a conference of the Big Three: Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Harry Callahan, Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force, and Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub, the most popular pub in the Wuxi China Expatdom; the commander of the mission, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Commisioner Blakelock announced that the encirclement of the Casa Mordor had begun as the ten million man Wuxi China Expatdom Army for Justice had set out from its camp site in Kenora, Ontario.

Asked if they knew where the super-duper secret location of the Casa Mordor was, Blakelock said they had a good idea where it was, and that every member of the ten million man Wuxi China Expatdom Army for Justice had been issued a Crisco-sniffing dog.  "We also know for a fact that the Ayatollah of Mordor is addicted to Crisco brand lard and chocolate.  For the past few years, we have been implanting every container of lard and chocolate in the Winnipeg, Canada area with nano-sized beacons.  So we have located several huge stockpiles of Crisco and Chocolate in the Winnipeg Area.  Of course, we are aware that many of these sites are dummy sites set up to throw us off the scent, as it were.  But because the Ayatollah of Mordor consumes Chocolate and Crisco at an prodigious rate, our detectors can easily find him.  We have intelligence indicating that the Ayatollah is getting many of his followers to have Roman-style Chocolate and Crisco parties to, again, throw us off, but many of his followers have become sick from the excess.  It is only a manner of time before the Ayatollah is by himself without anyone else to eat Chocolate and Crisco with!"

After Blakelock's statement, the Yalta Conference was concluded and "the Big Three" issued the following statement:

THE CAPTURE OF THE AYATOLLAH OF MORDOR

We have considered and determined the military plans  for the final capture of the common enemy of all mankind. The military staffs of the Wuxi China Expatdom have met in hourly meetings throughout the Conference. These meetings have been most satisfactory from every point of view and have resulted in closer coordination of the military effort. The fullest information has been interchanged. The timing, scope, and coordination of new and even more powerful blows to be launched by our armies, the WCERN, and air forces into the heart of Casa Morder from the East, West, North, and South have been fully agreed and planned in detail.

Our combined military plans will be made known only as we execute them, but we believe that the very close working partnership is very important.

The Ayatollah of Mordor is doomed. He will only make the cost of his defeat heavier to themselves by attempting to continue a hopeless resistance.

THE CUSTODY OF THE AYATOLLAH OF MORDOR

We have agreed on common policies and plans for enforcing the unconditional surrender terms which we shall impose together on the Ayatollah of Mordor. These terms will not be made known until the final capture of the Ayatollah has been accomplished. Under the agreed plan, the Ayatollah will stand on trial at a special court set up on Hans Island.

It is our inflexible purpose to destroy Mordorian and Euro-Trash Nudism and to ensure that the Ayatollah of Mordor will never again be able to disturb the peace of the world. We are determined to disarm and disband all Mordorian armed forces; break up for all time the Mordorian General Staff that has repeatedly contrived the resurgence of Mordorian militarism; remove or destroy all Mordorian military equipment; eliminate or control all Mordorian industry that could be used for military production; bring all war criminals to just and swift punishment and exact reparation in kind for the destruction wrought by the Mordorians; wipe out the Euro-Nudist Party, Mordorian laws, organizations and institutions, remove all Mordorian and militarist influences from public office and from the cultural and economic life of all people; and take in harmony such other measures in the World as may be necessary for its' future peace and safety. It is not our purpose to destroy the people of Mordor, but only when Euro-Trash Nudism and militarism have been extirpated will there be hope for a decent life for Mordorians, and a place for them in the comity of Nations.

REPARATION BY THE AYATOLLAH OF MORDOR

We have considered the question of the damage caused by Ayatollah to the Allied Nations during his reign and recognized it as just that he be obliged to make compensation for this damage in kind to the greatest extent possible. A commission for the compensation of damage will be established. The commission will work in Hans Island which the Canadian Government has kindly lent us.


UNITY FOR JUSTICE AS FOR CAPTURE

Our meeting here in Yalta, Manitoba has reaffirmed our common determination to maintain and strengthen justice and human dignity.  We believe that this is a sacred obligation which we
 owe not only to Manitobans and Wuxi Expats, but to all the peoples of the world.

Only with the continuing and growing cooperation and understanding among Wuxi Expats and among all the peace-loving Nations can the highest aspiration of humanity be realized—a secure and lasting justice which will, in the words of the Atlantic Charter, "afford assurance that all the men in all the lands may live out their lives in freedom from fear and want and arbitrary seizures of lard and chocolate."

Capturing the Ayatollah of Mordor and his subsequent trial will provide the greatest opportunity in all history to create in the years to come the essential conditions of justice, decency, lard, chocolate, and pork chops for all.


Signed:

GORZO THE MIGHTY
HARRY CALLAHAN
FRED MINKLEMAN

Trash talk begins in earnest for Wuxi China Expatdom charity boxing match between Hilary Clinton and Ayira: The Chosen One.

Hilary Clinton, American Secretary of State, and Ayira: The Chosen One, Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom have begun to exchange barbs in anticipation of their charity boxing match to be held in the Wuxi China Expatdom this April.

Yesterday's exchange was initiated by Secretary Clinton who, during a press conference about Libya, announced that she looked forward "to cleaning the clocks of the Oprah wannabe, wife number eight, princess" in the upcoming bout.

Asked about the Secretary of State's comments by reporters at a press conference in Yalta, Manitoba, Ayira said "that Clinton, the cuckoldess, to quote James Joyces,  was a hoaring pandemonium of ills, enlarged glands, mumps, quinsy, bunions, hayfever, bedsores, ringworm, floating kidney, Derbyshire neck, warts, bilious attacks, gallstones, cold feet, and varicose veins." "A true woman," she added, "wouldn't have put up with Bubba's infidelities.  She would have had him clipped, if you know what I mean.  I will destroy wannabe mister pant suits in our match.  Mark my words."

Clinton, when hearing Ayira's comments, was heard to have muttered "bitch!"  She then said she would have to think of some good comebacks.

Despatch from WCERN's Fred Astaire: "Anchors Aweigh!"

Harry Moore, representing Orient Express will shortly
be joining the carrier Fred Astaire, "some in the Pacific".
Harry said that Australian Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd, has graciously
arranged a special tri-national logistical mission that will have him aboard the
carrier with Admiral Bridges. "From there", Harry said, "I'll use the
NAV-SAT telecommunication apparatus, and forward my first-hand report back to the Expatdom".

"I'm flying to Pearl harbour later tonight. There I will be met by
USN Admiral "Bull" Halsey, who will then personally air-lift me, by chopper,
out the Fred Astaire."

"They told me that sea-conditions may prevent me from being hoisted down
to the carrier. However, I will simply jump out of the helicopter into
the sea. In that event, Admiral Bridges will don his diving suit, and swim out to me."

"Once back on the Astaire, I expect to be reporting to the Expatdom in the next day
or so - can't say any more than that, as these details are 'classified'. "

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Wuxi Jaywalkers baseball team begins Spring Training.


The Wuxi Jaywalkers, defending champions of the China Expat Major League Baseball, have begun Spring Training at the Wuxi Baseball Stadium in Wuxi's Singapore Industrial Area.

Manager Casey Stench, say all veterans from the 2010 Squad -- the only undefeated team in Major League Baseball history, have reported. "They are a year older, but still virile!" said Stench.

Asked what rookies, fans of the JWs, can look forward to seeing, Manager Stench said, "We have two excellent prospects who can help us achieve another undefeated Championship season. We have this young pitcher named Rawbowski who has a 350 kmh fastball, and a loop-de-loop curveball that Chuck Norris can't hit. As well, we have a young outfielder, Guerrero Guerrero, who has the potential to hit 100 home runs and bat .600!"

Asked what the secret to the JWs immense success was, Stench said, "It helps that we have the best players in the world. But talent isn't everything. I think the fact that we shower together after every game encourages team bondage..... I mean team bonding."

The Jaywalkers application to play in the American Major Leagues has been denied. As well, the Jaywalkers are banned from playing exhibition games against American Major League Teams after the 23-2 shellacking they administered to the New York Yankees in 2009. "Chickens!" said Stench.

Instead the Jaywalkers will play in the 48 team China Expat Major Baseball League, Eastern Division. Their major rival will be the Shanghai People's Congressmen. The Conmen, as JWs fans call them, once were able to get a man on base in a match against the Wuxi team. "Never again!" said Stench.

Wuxi China Expatdom one of world's more prominent stag weekend destinations.

Great Britain's leading tour operator OceansEleven has included the Wuxi China Expatdom, together with Amsterdam, Riga, Las Vegas and Ibiza, on the list of most popular stag weekend destinations.  Sir Guy Glossop, leader of OceansEleven, says "that even though the WCE seems to be Puritan, it is in fact a libertine's paradise because of it libertarian form of government.  Despite its reputation as a strict Conservative outpost, the Wuxi China Expatdom is perhaps the only place in the world where people do mind their own business.  It didn't used to be this way during the reign of the former King of Wuxi.  WCEers, now free of the draconian hand of meddling bureaucracy, are in the one place in the world where autonomous individuals, armed with truth, can practice true freedom."

Tens of Millions of Men around the world apply to join the Wuxi China Expatdom Foreign Legion.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Foreign Legion, specifically created for foreign nationals wishing to serve in the Wuxi China Expatdom Military, has always been a popular choice for men seeking adventure, trying to forget about romance gone sour, or unable to return to their country for fear of being put in prison. Commanded by WCE officers, the WCEFL has also been a means for many an idealistic but violent young man, who believes in the right of people to chocolate, to try to make a real difference in the world.

It is this idealism that has lead to a mania among men all over the world to apply to join the Legion. News of the mission to bring the notorious former King of Wuxi, a.k.a. the Ayatollah of Mordor, to answer for his crimes in a WCE Court of Justice, has seen applications to join the Legion increase by a factor of a hundred.

Sergeant York, a recruiter for the WCEFL's Osaka Japan office, says that he has seen mile long lineups of applicants outside his office the past week.

General Mills, head of WCEFL recruiting, estimates that worldwide, at least three hundred million men (and some women) have filled out applications to join the legion in the last two days. Said Mills, "The stories I have heard of the heartbreak and inconvenience that the Ayatollah of Mordor had caused many of the applicants friends and acquaintances, during his tyrannical reign as the King of Wuxi, has been heart-wrenching. But at the same time, I am made hopeful by the determination of all applicants to see that the former King of Wuxi is brought to justice. We are going to have a hard time, paring down the applicants to a select force of ten million. It has been our policy to welcome all applicants with open arms, but it may have to change because of the sheer volume of them."

One applicant, Egons Asklavins, from Riga, Latvia, offered a horrifying account of "The Ayatollah of Mordor and his gang of dandyish young thugs" coming to his house to steal all his family's lard and dark chocolate. Said Aklanvins, "We were happy in those days. We had lard and chocolate to satisfy all our family's needs. But the Mordorian gang came to our home, and accused us of hoarding the lard and chocolate from the people. They took all our lard and chocolate, and then had the audacity to rub the lard and chocolate all over their bodies at an invitation-only party held in the main public square of our city!"

Another applicant, Hector Garragula, from Morden, Manitoba, said a Mordorian gang lead by the Ayatollah came to his house on Easter stealing all his Cadbury eggs. They tied us up and we forced to watch them eat all the chocolate that was supposed to be for the children. Because of this, I very much want to join the WCE Foreign Legion. I think about the good cause I will be supporting, and of course, the Wuxi China Expatdom Foreign Legion uniform, with all its charm. And if they turn me down once, I will apply again. I think you know where I stand. Yes sir, it is the Wuxi China Expatdom Foreign Legion for me!"


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent hunkers down at CFB Shilo.

Now that the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest has concluded, the contingent from the WCE, has "hunkered down" at Canadian Forces Base Shilo.  

The King of Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty, his Queen Ayira the Chosen One, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Comissioner Blakelock, Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and owner of Gambay's Pub Fred Minkleman, all members of the supreme WCE command, are said to be planning Operation Chocolate Bad Egg Hunt, the mission to bring the former King of Wuxi back to justice.

There are reports that a WCERN task force is quickly on its way to Hudson's Bay to assist in the mission.

As well, the ten million man Wuxi China Expatdom Army for Justice has sent up a camp near Kenora, Ontario.  The force is on standby for a possible storming of the residence of the former KoW.

Sources close to WCE supreme command say that the is an effort being made to secure enough Crisco and Rowntree Aero Chocolate Bars to lure the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, out of his lair.

WCE Births and Marriages Notices

Gambay's owner, the genial and jovial Fred Minkleman,
has kindly provided a list of recent births celebrated
in the Expatdom.

Taking-out his notebook, Fred said, "well yes, quite a
few births took place here last month.
However we don't keep tabs on recent marriages here, sorry.
But, all those hairy, chattering baboons outside are often getting married
though, sometimes they get married five times every day!"


"Right, let's see, in February, (flipping through the pages), ah yes,
we had:

- the English-teaching couple, Mr & Mrs Gram, a daughter, Anna;
- that well-known German couple, Mr & Mrs Undblitzen, a daughter, Donna:
- Mr & Mrs Demikals, a son, Acker;
- Mr & Mrs Sismtoday, also from the University, a son, Mark,

oh, and just one other, that delightful Malaysian couple,
the Noodles, Mr & Mrs Noodles, a son, Chris P."

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Christens 100 more ships.

At the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport on Lake Taihu, WCERN Chief Admiral Lloyd Bridges and WCE Prime Minister Mango christened 100 ships for the WCERN , including nine more aircraft carriers: the WCERN Jimmy Stewart, the WCERN Joseph Cotten, the WCERN Groucho Marx, the WCERN Ida Lupino, the WCERN Ginger Rodgers, the WCERN Bing Crosby, the WCERN Judy Garland, the WCERN Humphrey Bogart, and the WCERN Leslie Howard.
 
Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango said that all the ships are being comissioned because the WCERN will send a task force, commanded by Admiral Bridges, to Hudson's Bay in Canada.
 
Asked if all the task force was to be used in an operation to capture and bring to justice, the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, PM Mango refused to comment.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The performance of Harry Callahan and the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio causes Worldwide Audience to rip off its clothes in excitement.

Not surprisingly, Inspector Harry Callahan and the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio won the World Expat Vision Song Contest held at the Keystone Stadium in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada.  The worldwide panel of music experts and judges, the live audience of one hundred thousand people, and the estimated worldwide t.v. audience of two billion all agreed that Callahan and the Trio's performance of Ave Maria et Christina was the finest thing they had ever seen and heard.  FOX news, and CNN news monitoring the worldwide tele polling results declared Callahan and the Trio victors four minutes after the polls opened.
 
What was surprising about the performance was the amount of hysteria it created.  Callahan , through iron strength of will, raised his level of singing to a Zen Buddhist Nirvana Chuck Norris state of perfection -- he put all his existence into the performance.  The live audience went crazy, shrieking, panting, even fainting, and began to willy-nilly rip off its clothes -- it soon looked like World Naturist Day at Harry Moore Memorial Square.  Reports soon filtered in of whole towns in Russia, the Middle East, Africa, and Western China engaging in mass strippings.  Even scientists working in Antarctica, where exposure to cold is fatal, decided to strip.
 
George Stephenson, an 55 year old electrical engineer from Surrey, England, weeping with joy, was heard to say "Oh my God! OH MY GOD!!!  He is God!  He is God!   I am his true fan! IOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!   Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I love Harry, Neils, Hans, and Kennesaw!" before he fainted.  When revived, he and a panting group of a thousand other engineers, some retired, stormed a local t-shirt shop to buy the first batch of Callahan and the Trio t-shirts -- but not before they had ripped off their shirt and ties.
 
In London, a girl lost her job because of her love for Harry Callahan and the Trio.  Her boss saw the girl watching the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest on television.. He gave her an ultimatum -- her job, or Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio. She chose the band and took off her clothes.
 
In Toronto, Canada, many of the citizens had to take a shower after watching Callahan and the WCE Trio's performance.
 
Callahan and the Trio, for their part, were bemused by the tumultuous reaction to their performance.  Said Callahan, "We have a couple things to get done in the province of Manitoba before we return to our beloved Expatdom.  This singing thing was merely a sideshow to our true purpose which will be revealed, in good time."

Wuxi Expat Queen to fight American Secretary of State in Charity Boxing Match

Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China announced that he has gotten Ayira: The Chosen One, Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom and United States Secretary of State Hilary Clinton to agree to fight a fifteen round boxing match for charity this April.
 
Said Minkleman, "Bill Clinton was originally slated to fight Admiral Lloyd Bridges, but because of Visa trouble, the former U.S. President had to back out.  Hilary, was a real darling, and agreed to take his place.  Admiral Bridges, ever the gentleman, backed out, not wanting to fight a woman.  And then, of course, her majesty Queen Ayira rose to the occasion.  I think we will see the fight of the Millennium this April at Gambay's, home of the 10 RMB Tsingtao."
 
Minkleman added "that the receipts will go to the Winner's charity of choice.  Secretary Clinton has chosen the Western European Famine Relief Fund.   Queen Ayira has chosen the Stop Expatriate Sexual Predator Fund."
 
Las Vegas Oddsmakers have made Queen Ayira the favorite at -170, with an over/under at 2.5 rounds.

Bill Clinton's Keynote Address to Wuxi China Sexpat Convention has been cancelled

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton has had to cancel his scheduled speech to the Wuxi China Sexpat Party convention, announced Party leader John Hefner.   Said Hefner, "It seems the goody two-shoed, morality fascists have declined to give my buddy Bubba a Visa.  We will have to see if we can bring in Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi instead."
 
A spokesman for the Wuxi China Expatdom Consulate in Washington D.C. said that Hefner was being disingenuous.  "We have informed Clinton that if he comes to the Expatdom, he will have to face moralty charges on account of what happened on his last visit to the Expatdom.  As well, he has refused to acknowledge the restraining order that our Prime Minister Mango has had a WCE court make against him.  Clinton would have gotten a Visa if he had just agreed to due process, but it seems he has refused."

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Boxing Match marred by Pacifism

A Boxing match between heavyweights Bruiser Phelps, a Wuxi Expat from Yorkshire, England, and Knuckles McGilroy, a Wuxi Expat from Hoboken, USA, was marred by Pacifism. The SRO crowd, of 20,000 at the Conference Room "B" of Gambay's Pub, expecting a match full of furious hooks, fantastic haymakers, jarring jabs, and other forms of pure pugilism, was instead treated to a rendition of Kumbaya, sung by the two boxers, their trainers, and the referee, as they all held hands and hugged each other for fifteen rounds.

The boxers were sorry to see that the crowd didn't join them. Phelps asked where the love was. McGilroy said violence was bad.

The spectators, had no luck, in finding Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's, from whom they were hoping to demand a refund. Minkleman, they learned, was in Winnipeg, Canada attending a seminar on bar tending in flood situations.

The spectators, were then thwarted in their attempts to riot in the 1912 Bar District, as they were attacked by feral Baboons and huge Elephants that have been released, a few weeks ago, in the Bar District in hopes of attracting the Safari Tourist trade.

Harry Callahan and The Wuxi China Expat Trio are one of forty groups competing in the World Expat Vision Song Contest.

With all the hype that has been generated by the visit of the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent to Brandon, Canada; one can easily be excused for forgetting, that in fact, there are forty Expatdoms from all over the world competing in the World Expat Vision Song Contest.

Some of the other competitors include:  Andre Claveau, from the Changzhou Expatdom, who will sing "Dors, Mon Amours;" Sandie Shaw, from the Tripoli Expatdom, who will sing "Puppet on a String;'"  Massiel, from the Copenhagen Expadtom, who will sing "La La La;" Johny Bigs, from the Nanjing Expatdom who will sing "Has anyone see my package of baby peas?";  Baby "Fats" Larry from the Shanghai Expatdom who will sing "Do you want to come to my place and sing Boom Bang-a-Bang?";  Herreys from the Stockholm Expatdom, who will sing "Diggy-Loo, Diggy-Ley, Diggy-Amscray";  Secret Garden, from the Mexico City Expatdom, who will sing "Any who, Any how, Any wow!"; and Udo Jurgens, from the Bolivian Expatdom, who will sing "Thanks for nothing."

The Contest will be held at the Newly Constructed Keystone Stadium in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada before an expected world-wide audience of one billion.  After all forty songs are played, the worldwide audience will then televote for their favorite song.  Most votes received after twenty minutes will win the contest.

Inspector Harry Callahan, when asked about the competition, said "the punk bands" didn't stand a chance.

Wuxi China Expatdom Opposition Leader says things are going well in the Expatdom, but would be better if he was the Prime Minister.

Iggy Poop, leader of the opposition Nudist party, said that while Prime Minister Mango had done a good job in making the Wuxi China Expatdom the best place in all of world history, Mango had yet to make the WCE a utopia.

Said Poop, in a speech to the annual Nudist convention, "I know you are thinking that under Mango's leadership, there is no unemployment, the economy is growing at a rate of 100 percent a year, there is only frivolous crime, we are a happy people, the level of trust is high, we have no corruption, we have the world's strongest military, there is no personal income or sales tax, we have the world's longest life expectancy and the lowest divorce rate, we have a budget surplus, we have accumulated an ongoing surplus equivalent to the current U.S. debt, and we have Gambay's Pub, located in the 1912 Bar District! You are thinking that is mighty fine! You can't beat that! Don't fix what isn't broken! You can't get better than being number one! Well!!!! Let me tell you! Let me be perfectly clear! Let me say, in all the candor that I as a politician am capable of: We aren't a utopia yet! And I think that an Expatdom run under my Prime Ministership can make this Expatdom a Utopia, a heaven on Earth! Now! I know you are thinking Utopias are not possible and it would be futile to try! Wrongo!! To stop doing something just because it has been tried a million times and shown not to work is frankly the attitude of a quitter! I am no quitter! And I believe that Wuxi Expats have to know that I am not quitter! And now you are thinking how will I do this? Create the Wuxi China Utopia, that is. Well! Easy. We need more government control and bureaucracy. You need us telling you what to do. You need us regulating every portion of your life including your flush toilets and your light bulbs! You need to pay more tax! We need a sales tax! We need public service unions! We need to protect new industries against foreign competition! We need to increase the size of the Expatdom government! So! Remember, the next time you go to the polls, WCE voter, don't settle for just the best ever in all of history, demand the Utopian perfection that only the Nudist party can provide! Reject the freedom agenda, the Just be Excellent credo of the Naturists! Don't be fooled by results! Vote Nudist and vote Nudist often!"

Friday, March 25, 2011

WCE astronomer stuns scientific-community: "No KFC on Mars!"

Leisurely sipping on a gin-and-tonic in Gambays,
well-known WCE amateur astronomer Phil "Big" Foote,
expounded on his recent discovery that has sent shock-waves
throughout the global scientific establishment.

"My evidence-backed theory is elegant in it's simplicity", he
said modestly. "There are no fast-food franchises on Mars - thus
there is no life there!".

"I spent years in my Wuxi apartment gazing up at the planets and stars,
with my Newtonian-scope, but I eventually realised I was actually looking at the ceiling!".

"I then shifted my attention to scrutinising all those NASA images sent back
from Mars",
he continued, "well, lots and lots of red rocks. And more red rocks."
"No, I had to apply some lateral-thinking, I decided".

"Almost every night I was sitting here drinking in Gambay's, pouring-over scientific texts, but, nup, nothing there either".

"But just last week", he said, "I fell off my bicycle on Beidajie Lu, just near the Huili Plaza.
Getting-up from the pavement, there it was, staring me in the face.....KFC!"
Ok, so, in those NASA Mars rock photos, can you see a single KFC outlet?, a Papa John's?,
or any Hot Pot outlets?!" "'Course not. I do hypothesize that in some ancient times,

those Mars life-forms had nothing to eat and they simply went belly-up. That's my discovery, in a nutshell".

"I will be equated with Sir Isaac Newton now. My bicycle-crash was exactly the same
as when he had that apple fall on his noggin!".






Admiral Lloyd Bridges saves girl from drowning in Wuxi's Lake Taihu.


The Admiral of the WCERN Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire personally saved a girl from drowning at Taihu Lake.

Thursday afternoon, Admiral Bridges had the aircraft carrier on a test run in Taihu Lake, when he happened to espy a flipped fishing boat with a screaming and floundering girl nearby. Bridges quickly changed out of his Admiral Uniform into his scuba diving gear, dived into Lake Taihu, fought off three sharks and two squid to save the girl personally.

When offered money and eternal gratitude by the girl, Admiral Bridges said it was not necessary and that it was all in a day's work for the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy.

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, when informed of the heroics, personally flew and landed an F15 Jet on the deck of the Fred Astaire and awarded the Wuxi China Expatdom medal of Supreme Honor to the Admiral. Fred Minkleman, of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District, offered Bridges a fifty percent discount on all menu items, except weekends.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

One Hundred Thousand pack Shilo's Gunner Stadium to watch Harry Callahan and the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio.

A capacity crowd of 100,000 people packed the newly constructed Gunner Stadium in CFB Shilo, Manitoba to watch Wuxi China Expatdom Inspector Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio perform in  a warm-up concert prior to their appearance in the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest to be held at Brandon's Keystone Stadium this weekend.  

So eager was the audience to see Callahan and the Trio that warm-up acts U2, The Who, and the Rolling Stones were booed off stage.  

Among those in attendance, were Gorzo the Mighty and his Queen Ayira: the Chosen One.  Sitting in the Royal Box, the couple was given warm applause when introduced by Callahan.  A Twenty One Gun Salute was then done for the couple by the 71 Battery of the 26 Field Regiment.  The Battery later accompanied the Trio, as they performed Handel's Royal Fireworks classical piece in a heavy metal idiom, using White Phosphorous and High Explosive shells in a well-coordinated decorative bombardment.

Callahan and the Trio played for three hours, and then did 35 encores.

Remi Eesti Food Store opens on outskirts of Wuxi China Expatdom

A 50,000 square meter shopping center, serving the needs of Expats from the Baltic States, is to open on the outskirts of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  

The Remi Eesti Food Store will sell potatoes, wheat, barley, cabbage, grey peas, onions, eggs, and pork for Baltic Expats who want to make their own traditional dishes.  Otherwise, Remi Eesti will sell thousands of varieties of piragi, biesu zupa, sour kraut soup, Ķimeņu siers (caraway cheese), pickled mushrooms, and Kvass.  

The Remi Eesti liquor emporium will send every major Baltic brand of beer, vodka, and balzam.

The shopping center is expected to open in June.

Four Wuxi China Expats say they are the best of pals.

Four long-time Wuxi Expats said, in an interview with Orient Express, that they have been the best of pals for over ten years now.   Sir Guy Rogers, an Expat from England, Omar O'Rodriguez from Mexico, Hans Klung from Germany, and Hammering Hank Schram from the Texas, USA, call themselves the Gang of Four.  Rogers, acting as spokesman for the Gang, says they have done some real crazy things in their time in Wuxi.

Asked about some of the Gang's exploits, Rogers said there were so many to mention, but that his favorite incident had to have been the time, he sent the three other gang members on a boat ride up the Grand Canal.  "I siphoned most of the gas out of the tank, and they ended up stranded for months.  O'Rodriguez's wife had him legally declared dead and married me!  You should have seen the look on O's face when he learned what happened.  Eventually, the lawyers were able to rearrange it so it was like it had been before.  But there was nothing they could have been done about the honeymoon!  Ha Ha Ha!"

O'Rodriguez talked of the time he Hans Klung got drunk and they shaved off all his body hair.  "Senor Klung, he didn't notice until he came to work.  His boss, being a strict no-nonsense guy threatened to send him back to East Germany.  Oh, how the other three of us laughed!"

Hans Klung talked of when he, as a joke, got Schram a date with a female impersonator.  "They got on smashingly for months.  Meanwhile, Schram was bragging about the sex he was having.  And the rest of the gang really didn't have the heart to tell him.  And he then said he was going to marry her, and we got really worried.  But then the marriage happened, and but two days later it was annulled.  And then we had big hearty Bavarian knee-slapping laughs.  Oh ho ho ho!"
 
Schram recalled the time he secretly recorded Sir Guy one weekend.  "He did and said things that were exceedingly frank and coarse, and when I put them on the Internet, he lost his job, reputation, and his marriage....   You should have seen the look of incomprehension of his face when it all came down!  Oh boy!  It was hard for the other three of us to contain our laughter!"
 
"Yes Indeed!" said Sir Guy, "You can see we are the best of pals.  Through thick and thin, we have hardly let each other down.  When push comes really to shove, we stand together like birds of a feather. We rarely say bad things about each other behind the other's back.  And any tension we do have is creative.  I look forward, with gusto and relish, to the menace, all in good fun, that we will do this weekend."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

WCERN Fred Astaire Given Massive Salute

The WCERN's formidable new carrier, Fred Astaire,
received an official send-off as it made it's maiden-voyage
in Lake Taihu.

An estimated 850,000 people crowded Turtle Head Islet for a glimpse
of the Expatdom's battle-wagon.

On the foreshore, on a viewing-pontoon, an assemblage of world leaders
gathered to view Fred Astaire's passage. The invited dignitaries
included US Defence Secretary Gates, Britain's Dame Margaret Thatcher,
Australia's Kevin Rudd, and His Holiness, Pope Benedict xvi.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges snapped a crisp salute to the well-wishers.
His Holiness pronounced "Dominus vobiscum" in response.

"We're taking Fred Astaire on a southerly course", said Admiral Bridges,
"then we'll take her in, close-inside Suzhou Expatdom's territorial waters."

The Admiral dismissed suggestions that this would provoke a sharp response
from the Suzhou Expatdom. "Neither I nor my swabs will be going anywhere near
any of the Suzhou Expatdom's bars or fleshpots, - no shore-leave will be granted."

"No", he chortled, "we're just going to sail past, and rub their noses in it a little!"

Hundreds of Thousands of Winnipegers, and Tens of Millions of Manitobans welcome the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent.

An estimated three hundred thousand people came to the Winnipeg International Airport to greet the Wuxi China Expatdom contingent arriving on a connecting flight from Vancouver.  Screaming "Gorzo!  Gorzo!  You are our only hope!  Free us from the tyranny of the Ayatollah of Mordor!" the excited, but peaceful crowd, threw flowers and Tim Horton's Donuts at the Royal WCE Couple, Inspector Harry Callahan, and the WCE Trio.  Long-time Winnipeg Airport observers said they haven't seen such excitement since a flight carrying the Beatles stopped over at the Airport in the mid-1960s.

Various Winnipeg dignitaries, groveled and kow-towed to the Royal Couple and the WCE musicians, as they made their way to the limousine that was to take them on the rest of their journey to Brandon, Manitoba for the Wuxi Expatdom Vision Song Contest.  Mayor Sam Katz offered Gorzo the Mighty and Ayira: the Chosen One, keys to the city.  The head coach of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers offered Gorzo the starting Quarterback position.  Prominent Manitoba Moose season ticket-holders asked Gorzo if he could help fund a new NHL hockey team to be called the Winnipeg Mighty Jets.  The Premier of Manitoba asked if he could name a power line after Gorzo.  Gorzo and Ayira, still feeling jet lag, graciously and gracefully responded to all requests earning lusty cheers of approval from all present.

An estimated thirty million Manitobans then lined Winnipeg's Portage Avenue and the Trans-Canada Highway, all the way to Brandon, to watch and greet the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent.  Near Portage La Prairie, the contingent stopped to take a "respite" at a truck-stop, and were given a standing ovation by three million farmers and truckers.  The stall that Gorzo used was declared hallowed ground and off-limits forever in perpetuity.  At Carberry, the town elders renamed their town and declared March 23, to forever be a town holiday.  Near Chater, Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio decided to perform an impromptu concert for the fifty thousand people who had gathered and couldn't wait till the contingent had arrived in Brandon. 

The WCE contingent was then taken to Canadian Forces Base Shilo, where they would stay at the 600 room Sheraton hotel that was specially-constructed for their visit.  "The compound" as the local Shilo residents call it, has a moat surrounding it, anti-aircraft guns on the perimeter,  an Olympic-sized pool, and an 18 hole par 70 golf course.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Brandon, Manitoba is prepared for the arrival of the Wuxi China Expatdom contingent.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges Takes The Helm

In a ceremony held aboard the WCERN "Fred Astaire",
Admiral Lloyd Bridges assumed formal-command of the gleaming new carrier.

Clad in immaculate white ducks, and adopting a crab-like, bow-legged
gait (the legacy of his years spent as a cannon-cleaner aboard the
USS Missouri), the Admiral stepped forward to accept the ensign
from his 2IC, Capt James T. Kirk.
"Thats a few small steps for a man, and one giant leap
for sea-dogginess!", the Admiral said.

Gazing up at the gleaming new carrier, he said "from her
gunnery to her flummery, she is a fine ship".
"With salt back in my loins again, this takes me back to when
I first enlisted, at Pearl, all those year's ago!".

Wuxi China Expat Van De Meer opens late night clock shop off European Street.

Wuxi Expat Van De Meer says he has opened a shop that will sell Chinese clocks.   "The "clocks" we have," said Van De Meer, "all work fine.  We check to see they are clean and operational every day."
 
The shop is located in a residential area off Wuxi's European Street.  "across the street from the site of the Old Muslim Restaurant, there is lane.  Walk down that lane, and turn left at the second lane.  (If you hit a canal, you have gone too far. )  Go to the third entrance on the left. Walk up two flights of stairs.  You will see a door.  Use the knocker.   Knock twice.  A man will slide open a panel that is at eye view.  He will look you in the eye and say "Anyone who raises himself up will be humbled..." You must respond, in a high-pitched voice " and anyone who humbles himself will be raised up."  Take your clothes off, and do a dance of your choice and you will be admitted." 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Couple, depart on honeymoon, after christening the Aircraft Carrier "WCERN Fred Astaire"

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, and his Queen Ayira: the Chosen One have departed for Winnipeg and Brandon, Canada forn their honeymoon.  Their last official duty in the Expatdom, before leaving to take a Shanghai-Vancouver Flight, was to christen the Aircraft Carrier "the WCERN Fred Astaire", the first of ten aircraft carriers that will comprise the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Mobile Task Force.
 
Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, who has gained instant popularity among WCE subjects, had the honour of breaking a bottle of champagne, provided by Gambay's Pub, against the bow of the ship.  The christening ceremony took place at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport on the shores of Lake Taihu before a crowd of 100,000 spectators.
 
Joining the couple on the flight to Vacouver were Wuxi China Expatdom Police Comissioner Blakelock, Inspector Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio.  Comissioner Blakelock will be attending a conference on Policing in Flood Situations, in Steinbach, Canada.  Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio will be performing at the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest in Brandon.
 
 

Two Hundred Thousand attend Send-Off Concert for Inspector Harry Callahan and the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio.

Monday evening, a crowd, of fans and well-wishers estimated at 200,000, attended a send-off performance of Inspector Callahan and the WCE Trio at Harry Moore Memorial Square.
 
Callahan and the WCE Trio (Neils Bohr – flute; Kennesaw "Hui San" Landis – piano, and bagpipes, and Hans Klingner – harp) are to represent the Wuxi China Expatdom at the World Expat Vision Song Contest to be held in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada.  At the contest, Callahan, accompanied by the trio, will perform an eclectic disco-country-bluegrass-classical version of Ava Maria et Christina — a song written in honor of the two mothers of Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport: Only amateurs panic about navigation problems in winter.

Only amateurs, who have never worked at the port in winter, panic about the navigation problems caused by ice, Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport CEO Leonids Loginovs said in an interview with the newspaper Orient Express.
 
"For one thing, the ice isn't that thick, if there is any!" said Loginovs, "And that is really all that can be said.  There isn't any second or other thing!"
 
The amateurs panicing were from the Wuxi Sexpat Party, as well as elements of the Wuxi China Expatdom community coming from Ontario, Canada.

Large Residential Complex to be built in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

A large residential complex, with enough apartments for three million Expats,will be located in a naturally scenic 56-hectare tract between Shuo Feng and Xincun, in the Wuxi New District, announced Dan Trimp, president of Trimp-not-Scimp enterprises. 
 
New Cleveland will have all the normal amenities of a major North American or European city including shopping malls, parks, transit, a major university, factories, Mosques, Churches, a NBA franchise, a NFL franchise, cinemas, 100 Starbucks cafes, a NHL franchise, and a "La Liga" soccer team.  It will also have a police and peace-keeping force "with fangs" to quell any possible disturbances.

Some English names I would give my Chinese students, if I could (and if I dared).

I always thought to make this list.  Sometimes, the students would like me to give them English names, but lately, I find myself telling them that I would get back to them about it -- the issue of naming is wrought with possibilities.  I would venture to say that it is overwrought. And so after making a mental note about making a list of names and putting it in my wallet, I never do...
 
However, one evening, a few weeks ago, I jotted these possible names into a notebook -- finally getting around to it, as it were.  I told myself to jot down ten.  The first one on the list was easy because I giggled so much when I thought of it that I became inspired to make a list of ten.  However, the longer I made the list, the less resolute and amused I became.  I shelved, as the expression goes, till now.
 
Here goes nothing:
 
  1. Oklahoma:  Something about the Grunge scene -- you, know, Nirvana and the band that did the song about Jeremy speaking in class -- just turned me off.  Maybe, I was getting old.  Maybe, I didn't like the fact that these bands, seemed to have descended from the alternative bands I liked (the Smiths, New Order, Husker Du), and had sinned by becoming too popular.  Anyway, it was the Grunge scene that made me decide to go back, way back, in my musical exploration.  I decided that I would become a Sinatra fan.  From there, it was only a matter of time before I discovered the joys of Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, Cole Porter, and Rodgers and Hammerstein.  One day, I was flipping through racks of DVDs in Wuxi, and I found a copy of Oklahoma! -- the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical.  Putting that in the DVD player was the cultural equivalent of bringing a Husker Du tape back to Brandon, Manitoba.  It was awesome full of real catchy tunes including the one about Oklahoma being okay.  I would name a student Oklahoma as an excuse to sing songs from that musical.  "You're Okay Oklahoma, Oklahoma you're doing okay!"
  2. Mahovlich.  I saw Frank Mahovlich in Brandon, Manitoba -- I bring this up because it was a fond reminiscence.  The Big "M" and his brother Pete, the little "M" were awesome hockey players, that I watched on television in my impressionable years.  To see one of them live, even in an old-timers game, was a thrill.  The Big "M" had a way of skating, with a big strong wide gait, that was distinctive, and he still had it in his fifties.  Now, I would name a Chinese student Mahovlich because I love to pronounce that name.  One has to press one's lower lips against the teeth, and then push the word to the top of one's throat.  It would be my way of getting back at the Chinese for having such a tonal language.
  3. Autumn.  I have had students named Summer, Spring, and Winter; but never Autumn or Fall.  I know, and  then, I could say, I don't know why this should be.  I would give the name Autumn to students who strike me as being mature.
  4. Smoggy.  Same rationale as choice number three.  I have had students named Rainy and Sunny.  Why not Smoggy?  I would give the name Smoggy to students who were avid smokers.  (I actually had a student tell me smoking was his hobby -- God Bless 'em! I said.  True rebellion always wins my admiration.)
  5. Cheryl.  I haven't had a Chinese student called Cheryl -- that is my rationale for this name.
  6. Mulligan. Same rationale as name number five.
  7. Anatole.  Same rationale as name number five and six, except one little proviso:  the way I see it, Anatole is not a name you can give to someone right away.  They have show you they have a personality of an Anatole.  The personality of an Anatole? you say.  They have to have a personality to match the scowl.
  8. Esposito.  I named my son Tony after Tony Esposito (Actually I named my son Anthony so he could shorten his name to Tony, but you get the idea.).  Esposito was the coolest  hockey goalie of all-time -- even cooler than Ken Dryden, circa 1971 - 1973.  As well, Esposito like Mahovlich, is just a cool name to say.  And there are lots of students named Tony who don't want to be reminded that they have the same name as my son.  "Hey Esposito!  Make a sentence with "perchance."
  9. Jefferson.  Many of the younger male students like to name themselves after NBA players - Kobe and Lebron.  One thing I wish the Chinese would do -- actually they are many but I won't talk about all that -- is follow NFL football.  There are many cool and graceful wide receivers named Jefferson that I can recall.
  10. Bonita.  It is like the name of my sister, and there are no Bonita's that I know of in China.
  11. Hector.  You got name a student after something Greek and Homerish.
  12. Abraham.  The students say they admire Abraham Lincoln, and yet not one of them has named themselves after him.
  13. Aina.  My mom's name.

And so I have a list bigger than ten.  It turns out, the list is long on names but short on long-winded rationales.

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Newlyweds stun world by choosing to honeymoon in Winnipeg and Brandon, Manitoba, Canada.

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi Expatdom, and his Queen, Ayira: the Chosen One have stunned the world resort community by choosing to honeymoon in Brandon and Winnipeg, Canada.
 
One Wuxi China Expat, from Canada, Andis Kaulins, who wished to be anonymous, expressed shock when hearing of the the Royal Couple's honeymoon plans.  "I don't know about you, but Brandon and Winnipeg are the last places in the world I would want to be in March and April. The snow turns into slush and it is really, really, yucky!  I really don't understand their choice.  Why would a women who has a colon in her name want to go to Winnipeg?  It makes no sense!"
 
Gorzo, reacting to denouncements of his honeymoon plans said "I don't know about you, but I think there is nothing finer, nothing more romantic, than to see a good spring run-off caused by a large volume of melting snow.  And I have heard that there is a good chance of flooding this year in Winnipeg.  Yes Sir!  As well, I like the feeling of wearing tennis shoes in heavy knee-deep snow that is very slushy at the bottom, and getting a soaker.  It makes me tingle all over in excitement.  And driving a car, and splashing joggers and pedestrians -- heaven baby!  It is heaven!"
 
Gorzo also said that he and his Ayira: the Chosen One looked forward to personally witnessing the performance of WCE Chief Inspector Harry Callahan and the WCE trio, at the World Expat Vision Song Contest to be held in Brandon, Manitoba.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Wuxi China Expat's Spouse, a bag of salt, missing, believed stolen.

The current craze for Salt in China,  which has claimed many victims, who have paid more for salt than normal market conditions would dictate; has resulted in its first kidnapping or theft.  Bob Gerlach, a long-time Wuxi Expat from Overland Park, Kansas, U.S.A., told local media that a 30 kilogram bag of road salt had been stolen Sunday afternoon from his apartment while he had gone to Harry Memorial Square to watch the King Gorzo -- Princess Ayira marriage ceremony. 
 
Gerlach who had married the bag of salt three weeks ago was heart-broken.  "I wanted to take Saltie-Waltie with me to the Square so we could watch the wedding ceremony together, but my love was too heavy for me.  I think she might be pregnant.  There I was beaming with pride at the fact that I had married Saltie Waltie in the same church that the Royal Wedding was being held.  I waved with pride as the Royal Carriage passed.  And then I, feeling romantic, went home wanting to hug...."  Gerlach broke off into uncontrollable sobbing.
 
He publicly begged Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan to find Saltie-Waltie before the thiefs opened the bag and tried to consume her.
 
Callahan, who was singing at the Gorzo-Ayira Wedding reception, was able to get his trusty assistant Tonto, to start an investigation.  Said Tonto to Gerlach, "You. No Worry.  We find Saltie Waltie before the sun set and the wolves begin to howl!"

Four billion people watch live broadcast of Marriage Ceremony of Wuxi China Expatdom King and Azanian Princess

The greatest television audience of all human history, an estimated four billion people, watched the marriage ceremony of Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom; and Ayira: the Chosen One, an Azanian princess.  The ceremony held at the Wuxi Christian Church in the New District, was attended by every major world leader of any consequence.  A crowd of well-wishers, estimated at 100 thousand, stood outside the church watching the ceremonies on their I-Phones.  Another two million Wuxi Expats gathered at Harry Moore Memorial Square to watch the ceremony on the world's largest video screen. 
 
 
Princess Ayira, whose father died as a result of malaria contracted after the infamous ban on DDT canvassed for by Radical Environmentalists, had Fred Thompson, U.S. Senator and star of the series Law and Order, do the honors of giving her over to Gorzo.
 
Mango, the Prime Minister of the Expatdom, served dual roles in the ceremony, being Gorzo's best man, and Ayira's maiden of honour.  Mango and Ayira both studied and earned their Ph.D.'s in Economics from the University of Chicago studying under the great Milton Friedman. 
 
When prompted by Augustine of Hippo, who conducted the ceremony, Ayira and Gorzo both vowed "to love each other till death do them part and to establish a dynasty and sovereignty to stand ever firm and be as lasting as the heavens".  Prime Minister Mango then brought forth the rings and crowns for the Royal Couple to exchange.
 
When Augustine of Hippo pronounced them man and a wife, and then King and Queen, the applause could be heard all over the world from the suburbs of Vladivostok to the downtowns of Regina, Brisbane, and Garmish-Parkinggerkin.   A ten-minute show of fireworks from outer space was then seen, which was powerful enough to light, like daytime, the parts of the world that were shrouded in nighttime darkness
 
At the end of the ceremony, the King and the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, boarded a carriage be-studded with the finest diamonds, coated with 24 Karat gold, and a cardboard saying "Married Just!"  Drawn by 36 horses, the carriage took the royal couple through  Wuxi as a crowd, estimated at 75 million, lined the streets.   Following the carriage were a thousand cars all blaring their horns.
 
The Royal Procession's final destination was the reception held at Gambay's Pub in the Queen Elizabeth II conference hall where 15,000 guests were catered to efficiently by the always friendly, professional, and chaste Gambay's staff.  The guests had over 75 meal items to choose from including five types of soup, four kinds of bread, pizzas assembled on the spot, Peking roast duck, and Taixing chicken's feet -- all at a affordable price.  As the guests ate, they were entertained by the insults of Don Rickles (who called Mango's Prime Ministership trannyforming) and the fond reminisces of Gorzo from Chuck Norris -- Norris and Gorzo were classmates at the Ronald Reagan School of Philosopher-Monarching.  Inspector Harry Callahan, Harry Connick Jr., Bono and Mick Jagger accompanied by the WCE Trio, the Gambay's Pub house band, performed during the dance part of the reception.  The local practice of giving the couple money in red envelopes was kept, but with all money going to Gorzo's charity of choice:  the fund for local girls and boys who have been molested by Sex-Crazed Expats and Baboons.  Only Andis Kaulins and Barack Obama didn't give money -- President Obama, mixing up Gorzo with the former King of Wuxi, gave a life-time supply of Crisco.  Kaulins muttered something about already having "gave at the office."
 
Botticelli, a long time Wuxi Expat from Italy, said the wedding was "fifteen to sixteen times better than the Lady Di -- Prince Charles wedding."   Clive Tough, a scowling and cynical-looking engineer from the coal mining areas of the British Isles, said he shed tears for the first time in his life, as he was so overcome by the "romance and pageantry" of the occasion.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

King of Wuxi China Expatdom holds talks with Azananian Emperor Seth on Energy Issues

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom; and Seth, Emperor of Azania, Chief of Chiefs of Sakuyu, Lord of Wanda, Tyrant of the Seas, Bachelor of the Arts of Oxford University; held talks on energy issues, on the eve of Gorzo's marriage to Azanian princess Ayira: the Chosen One.

Gorzo said the marriage will not only establish an alliance that will be "as lasting as the heavens", but "a long-lasting economic partnership that will benefit the subjects of the two realms as well as their children and their children and their children....."

"Azania has the largest proven reserves of of the sweetest crude petroleum in the world", said Gorzo, "which my good friend Seth has been reluctant to exploit because, as he says, it is hard to find people you can trust and the fact that dynastic marriages have fallen out of fashion. My marrying Ayira, is the dawning of an age of cheap, everlasting energy!"

Azania and the Wuxi China Expatdom have signed an energy agreement that gives WCE Petro companies exclusive refining rights. In return, the Wuxi China Expatdom will help turn Azania into a modern nation through sharing of technological expertise and educational resources. "Think of Azania as the new Canada, without the Trudeau silliness!" said Gorzo.

Wuxi China Sexpats and Nudists to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Luddism

2011 is the 200th anniversary and the two main opposition parties in the Wuxi China Expatdom plan to celebrate the day in style, with many events around the realm.  The two party leaders, Poop and Hefner, have encouraged Wuxi Expats to celebrate primitivism and rally against all forms of technology. 
 
Iggy Poop, leader of the Opposition Nudist Party, believes the actions of Mr. Han, the Lamborghini owner, are really Luddite in meaning.  He hopes that Wuxi Expats will set fire to their computers, cars, industrially manufactured clothes, and anything made by Western Civilization on the Luddite anniversary.
 
John Hefner, leader of the Wuxi Sexpats, bemoaning the fact that technology has made women independent of their two only functions in life, hoped that Sexpats and Expats alike will destroy all labour-saving devices in their homes, to mark the anniversary.

Mango, Prime Minister and leader of the Naturist Party said the celebrations were silly since "Humans' doings are just as natural as the things you see the Baboons do the 1912 Bar District."

Wuxi China Expatdom manufacturers of prefabricated wooden houses are competitive thanks to high quality and slightly lower prices of their products

Wuxi China Expatdom manufacturers of prefabricated wooden houses are competitive thanks to high quality and slightly lower prices of their products, said Pete Prefabricated, long-time Wuxi Expat, owner of Prefabricated's Prefabricated Wooden Homes, and president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Prefabricated Wooden Buildings Association.
 
Prefabricated, who has had his name legally changed from Prefontaine, says he never tires of seeing the look in the eyes of potential customers who look at his sign and see the "Prefabricated's Prefabricated."  "They usually first think it is some kind of Chinglish sign, and it takes a few seconds to realize it is an elaborate sort of joke on my part.  But then they smile and a gleam appears in their eyes.  And then you see the joy when they see the quality of our wood homes  and the price, which if you allow me to make a comparison, is low in the manner of Gambay's beer prices."

Bold Huishan North Face Expedition Given Go-ahead

Addressing an estimated crowd of 248,000 people
in the Harry Moore Memorial Square yesterday, Gorzo The Mighty
outlined plans for a daring attempt to scale Huishan.

"Sure", he said, "dozens of mountaineers have reached the summit before, however
his time we intend to tackle the fearsome North Face!".
The assembled crowd gasped in collective amazement; some, of nervous disposition,
had to be led away.

"It will", Gorzo continued, "be the ultimate challenge. The risks high. I do not
resile in telling you all that some members of this expedition may-well pay the ultimate price -possibly up to 10 kuai, (and a carton of Nanjing Hong) at the ticket-gate."

"Regrettably, Sir Edmund Hillary is of course no longer with us, but we have appointed the
Archbishop of Canterbury as Team Leader. And he will be joined by a hand-picked team of
choirboys, who will serve as bearers. They are stout of heart, sure of foot, and can carry over four-times their own weight on their backs."

Pointing-up at a huge visual display, Gorzo said "there it is. We will establish Base teahouse-Camp in the Jichang Gardens. From there, we will proceed."
Our greatest peril will be here - the dreaded Chunsen Ravine".

Sensing that the crowd was becoming restive and bored, Gorzo re-animated the throng when he said that the WCE's attempt would be a world-first. "Our team members will climb without oxygen supplies!".

"When they attain the summit, by the old Longguan Pagoda, PM Mango and myself will muster at Gambays, and there, we will sing a triumphant "On the Road To Mandalay".

Standing in the front row, well-known WCE identity Hans Klingner called-out "but what about our team, up there atop Huishan?".

"Oh, they'll be perfectly safe",
replied Gorzo, "they'll begin their descent at approx midnight, and we will issue them with a little bus-money, so that they can get home ok."


Former KOW's Secret Grade-B Cache Discovered

In a hastily-convened, pre-arrest hearing held
at Gambays, Inspector Harry Callahan disclosed that he had located
the Ayatollah of Mordor's collection of Grade 'B' science-fiction movies.

"Now I know what you're all thinking", he said, "just where did I find these?
Well, I just can't tell ya that right now".

Fighting-back waves of nausea, Insp Callahan then lifted the cardboard box
containing the DVD's onto the Bar Table.

"Let's see, what have we got in here......"Plan....."

Callahan's presentation was abruptly cut-off by PM Mango thumping
his giant gavel on the Bench. "Inspector Callahan, you are trying my patience here."
"Just mark them all as exhibits for now. We must wait until the defendant is
formally dragged, er, I meant, 'formally arraigned' here in my courtroom".
"The court is adjourned!".

Wuxi China Expatdom announces Anti-Fraud Office Reform.

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango announced what has been called "very necessary Anti-Fraud Office Reform."  Said PM Mango, "What has been called the Fraud Office is now called the Anti-Fraud Office.  The Fraud Office, which was formed during the previous administration was in fact in charge of doing fraudulent things, not preventing them.  This is more proof, as if it is needed, of the criminal nature of the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor."

Friday, March 18, 2011

The number of livestock in the Wuxi China Expatdom has dramatically increased since the start of Gorzo the Mighty's Reign.

WCE Stats, an independent organization with no interest in politics and no ideological axes to grind, says that the number of livestock has increased ten-fold since the ending of the former King of Wuxi's reign. 

William Gosset, chief statistician and head economist of WCE Stats, attributes the dramatic increase to a number of factors.  "The appetite of the former King of Wuxi for silly agricultural policies and food was prodigious.  Gorzo the Mighty, the current King of Wuxi, has done the Expatdom well by eliminating milk, beef, pork, chicken, egg, mutton, and dairy marketing boards.  The elimination of price controls has seen supply increase -- no longer are poorer Wuxi Expats forced to eat tree bark and grass.  As well, Gorzo, by letting the dairymen and shepherds of the Expatdom keep their livestock and market them as they please, has stopped them from having to worry of being accused of hoarding from the people, or having their animals arbitrarily seized, without compensation, every time the former King of Wuxi deemed it fit to have a barbecue."

Wuxi China Expats inspired by Mr. Han, the Lamborghini owner, to destroy things.

The story of a Mister Han, from Qingdao, Shandong province, hiring nine workers to destroy his Lamborghini in the defense of Customer Service has inspired many Wuxi Expats to do the same sort of thing, and some Expats, for reasons other than bad customer service.

A million Wuxi Expats rented two steam-rollers to flatten their Dwight Eisenhower bobble-head dolls.  Incensed at the owner of Gambay's Pub refusal to accept returns of the dolls, after the former IEF commander was disgraced by revelations of connections to the Ayatollah of Mordor, the Expats seized on the idea of using steamrollers after hearing about Mister Han.

Several Wuxi China Expats from Ontario, Canada set fire to their pants for no discernible reason other than they were inspired by Mister Han, and seeing other Wuxi Expats destroy things.

Customers at Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club, rented mechanical vices to squeeze their heads to protest a unfunny stand-up performance by U.S. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton.  Other customers deliberately stepped on banana peels.

Customers, not liking beer at some Wuxi Expat Pubs, that aren't named Gambay's, decided to pour the beers into Taihu Lake, only to discover that the pubs had been serving Taihu Lake water to them to begin with.

Not happy with his Friday night escort, a Wuxi Sexpat married the girl and quickly divorced her in a very public way.  Another not liking his Japanese anatomically correct robot babe, decided to hire robot assassins to liquidate the babe on Wuxi's Zhongshan Road Saturday afternoon.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio to represent the Wuxi China Expatdom in the World Expat Vision Song Contest

Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio, the resident band of Gambay's Pub, will represent the Wuxi China Expatdom in the World Expat Vision Song Contest to be held this year in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada.  

The Trio consists of: Neils Bohr - flute; Kennesaw "Hui San" Landis - piano, and bagpipes,  and Hans Klingner - harp.  

Callahan accompanied by the trio will perform an eclectic disco-country-bluegrass-classical version of Ava Maria et Christina -- a song written in honor of the two mothers of Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  The music for Ave Maria et Christina was composed by Hans Klingner; the lyrics were written by Alfred Lord McClusky, the Expatdom's Poet Laureate.

Callahan, asked how he fancied the group's chances in the contest, said "A band has got to know its limitations.  Thankfully, we haven't any."

Ayira: the chosen one to become the Queen of Wuxi China Expatdom

To cement the alliance between the peoples of the Azanian Empire and the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo, the Mighty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom will marry Ayira: the Chosen One, an Azanian princess, picked from a pool of over a thousand Azanian pincesses, provided by Seth, Emperor of Azania, Chief of Chiefs of Sakuyu, Lord of Wanda, Tyrant of the Seas, Bachelor of the Arts of Oxford University,
The marriage ceremony will take place at the Wuxi Christian Church with the Most Reverend Augustine of Hippo conducting the service. Leaders from everywhere in the world, except North Korea, Denmark, Mordor, and Toronto (Canada), will attend.
The upcoming marriage was one of the terms of a treaty of friendship and mutual defense signed in late February between the two leaders. The Expatdom is still looking for a WCE virgin to marry Seth. Gorzo has thanked Seth for "his patience and understanding in this matter."

The World tabloid press has proclaimed Ayira: the Chosen One, the hottest first lady to appear on the world scene since Mrs. Nicolas Sarkozy, and more beautiful than Mila, the wife former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney -- Mila Mulroney is currently said to be the most beautiful first lady of all recorded human history. Ayira: the Chosen One is six foot nine inches tall, has four Ph.D.'s (in nuclear physics, economics, neurobiology, and chemistry), is better-proportioned than Pamela Anderson, possesses the athletic prowess of a world-class triathlete, the iron will of a Lady Thatcher, the sunny optimism of a Ronald Reagan, and the humility of a Mother Teresa. Many have speculated that Ayira: the Chosen One will be able to compete with Prime Minister Mango for the admiration of the world male population.

Gorzo has said he is very excited at the prospect of having an earthly wife. Currently, he has six wives in other parts of the Universe, who are not able to survive in the Earth's atmospheric pressure. Said Gorzo, "I look forward to having beautiful children who will become wise and benevolent rulers of the Wuxi China Expatdom. For I now know what it means to be in love."

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom celebrates Saint Patrick's Day with many events in the realm.

As with every other holiday, the Wuxi China Expatdom celebrated Saint Patrick's Day, the official holiday of its Irish Minority, in grand style.

To honor the Irish fighting spirit, the Expatdom gathered one million Expats into Harry Moore Memorial Square in an attempt to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by staging the largest ever donnybrook.

To honor the Irish tendency to criminality, Expatdom Police drove Paddy Wagons were driven around the Expatdom to stage mock arrests and liquidations.

Many Wuxi Expats donned Green, the official country of Ireland, to celebrate the day.  Some Wuxi Expats took a dip in Lake Taihu to make themselves phosphorescent green.  Expatdom Prime Minister Mango wore a tight, strapless, green chiffon evening dress and a leprechaun's hat, demurely tilted on the head.  Gambay's Pub served green beer and baijoe, and gave free beer to anyone named Pat -- Andis Kaulins, claiming his middle name was Pat, made his first visit to the Pub in four years.  Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi Expatdom, wore a green crown.

Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky recited the poems of W.B. Yeats.  He even changed the words of the Yeats poem "When you are old" before inscribing it on the walls of the women's washroom at Gambay's.

An International Expeditionary Force, consisting of Wuxi Expats from Ottawa and Toronto, Ontario, Canada, was set up to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Gambay's Pub is the only Wuxi China Expatdom Pub to have 10 rmb beer.

Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub, announced that all bottled beer, including famous imported brands, will be 10 RMB, all the time.

Asked how he could offer beer at such a low bargain price, while all other Wuxi China Expatdom Pubs were selling beer for at least 25 RMB, Minkleman said "Quantity, Quantity, efficient bar girls, low overhead, no funny business with local gangs, my life of asceticism, and an undying respect for the dear hearts and kind people that live in the Wuxi China Expatdom."

Fruit and Candy Bondage Shop to open in the Wuxi China Expatdom

Madame LaFarge, long time Wuxi China Expat from France, has opened the Expatdom's latest Bondage Shop.  LaFarge's Fruit and Candy Bondage Shop features sweet, fruity adult recreational torture gear such as Strawberry Straps, Caramel Prods,  Licorice Whips, Face Masks made from pressed and cardboardized apple paste,  Honey-Dipped Hooks,  Tart Truncheons, Candy Chains,  Blue Berry Boots, Strawberry Belts, Cinnamon Chaps, Sugar-Coated Saddles, Cotton Candy Chainsaws, Raspberry Ropes, Chocolate-Dipped Plugs and Corks, Toffee Tool Belts, Butterscotch Breeches, Jawbreakers, Popeye Cigars, Cubed Sugar, Tomatoes, Plywood dipped in Persimmons Sauce, and sheets of Mint-Flavored Grating.  As well, Madame LaFarge's Shop will offer a personalized tart-ture  and cream-whipping service.

Madame Lafarge is confident of her shop's success despite entering what many experts say is an Expatdom market that is over-satiated with bondage shops -- her shop is the 150th bondage shop to be registered in the Expatdom, and there are many more underground bondage shops rumored to exist as well.  Said LaFarge, "I know many of the other Bondage Shop owners, such as Hans Zimmerman of Han's German Bondage Shop, Paul Bilabong from Paul's Australian Bondage Shop, and Johnny Bucyk of the Canucklehead Bondage Shop; and I will tell you one thing:  They are all very very naughty boys; and furthermore, they are naughty and disobedient shop owners who deserve a good spanking.  They are been begging for this, telling me they need to stand to in a corner and have caramel fudge dripped on them....."


Economist Paul Krugman says U.S. Government should have bought more nude photos of Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister

Paul Krugman, Nobel-Prize Winning Economist, criticized the U.S. Government 800 billion dollar purchase of nude photos of Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango.  

Said Krugman, "They should have bought 1.2 trillion dollars of nude photos.  800 billion dollars is not enough to stimulate the world economy, and me as well. 400 billion dollars more of stimulation, economic or otherwise, would have ended my depression and the global depression as well.  We are in the midst of a liquidity trap, you know.  With interest rates for all practical purpose at zero, there is so much excess savings the government can use to buy photos of the marvelous Mango!"

King of Wuxi Expatdom tells subjects to get into the habit of dancing.

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, quoting Rabbi Nahman of Breslov, told his subjects to "get into the habit of dancing," saying "it would displace depression and dispel hardship."
 
Gorzo said it worked for him.  "It is not easy to be King to a collection of alien peoples.  The pressures are often more than a normal person can bear.  But then I dance "La Cucaracha" for three minutes and the Expatdom is once again a lovely place."

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Wuxi China Expat Government Bureaucrat from Sweden has "near-life" experience

Lars Larsen, Wuxi China Expatdom's longest serving bureaucrat, was reported to have had a "near-life" experience today at his office in the WCE Government Complex.  Clinically dead for the past five years, Larsen, a long-time Wuxi Expat from Sweden, has not let the fact of his death stop him from coming work in the WCE department of taxation.  Sitting at his desk in the department's reception area, Larsen has won the WCE's government worker of the year award five years running.

Monday morning, about ten a.m., fellow bureaucrats saw him get up from his desk.  He exclaimed that he was "falling away from the light".      Fellow bureaucrats panicked, worried that they may have to get up from their comfy chairs as well.  But quickly as he arose, he fell back into his stupor, and all present breathed a sigh of relief.

Head of the Union of WCE government workers, "Bruiser" Malloy, filed a grievance saying all government workers should have been given a day off, and been permitted to take part in the grief-counselling workshop being run at Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi.

Wuxi China Expatdom MP sees nothing wrong with accepting money from North Korea

Wuxi China Sexpat member of parliament Eliot Spitzer says there is nothing wrong with accepting money from North Korea in order to spy on South Koreans, poison the Expatdom water supply, go on Wuxi China Expatdom billboard sites and attempt to silence critics of North Korean regime, kidnap children, assume elected position under false pretences, sleep with children, be tardy, smuggle weapons and chocolates, start a prostitution ring, voice blood libels against Gorzo the Mighty, wear polyester leisure suits, bribe Expatdom judges, fix football matches, place bombs in the parliament, distribute grade "b" science fiction and horror movies on DVD, and engage in acts of high, middle, and low-brow treason.
 
"Get off my back!" said  a defiant Spitzer when approached by media, "I am trying to live my life.  I am winning!  I have a job to do, and you guys aren't helping me to do it!  I have important legislation to work on.  I have a family to feed.  I resent the fact that I am being criticized.  Who made you judge and jury?  Are you perfect?  I have an uncle that is dying so you should cut me a little slack!  You guys are simply jealous!  I have causal sex every night!  Are you guys religious or something?  You wish you were in my shoes!  You hate people, like me, who can defy your loser morality!  Maybe you should try praising people.  You don't know what it is like to under appreciated!  If anything, most of you are mediocre so you are over appreciated! To be selfish is to love existence in the most intimate of ways!  I deserve a raise!  It is only my unselfishness that prevents me from going on strike!   Did I say I have an uncle dying?  I have a grandmother dying, too.  And the dog just peed on my I-Pad!  And the Norks aren't so bad. So, there you go!"
 
Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi Expatdom, credited Inspector Harry Callahan for uncovering Spitzer's treasonous connections.  Said Gorzo, "Commissioner Blakelock made Callahan turn in three badges during the investigation which goes to show you how intense the investigation was!"

Monday, March 14, 2011

No Fly Zone to be established in the Wuxi China Expatdom

The Wuxi China Expatdom has a established a special No Fly Zone, Minister of Fashion Yves St. Bouchard announced today.  The No Fly Zone will be located in the 1912 bar district of Wuxi, China.  Persons found wearing pants or skirts, with zipper or button flies, in the zone will pay a 300 rmb fine. 
 
St. Bouchard recommended that Expats wear sweat pants or old guy pants, with no crotch opening, that are held up by string.
 
Fred Minkleman, owner of the popular Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District, said he disagreed with the zone establishment for "aesthetic reasons", but didn't see much potential consternation about the policy since most visitors coming to the zone didn't wear pants anyway.  Those who may not like this, he added, could always take advantage of Gambay's "buy sweatpants and get two beers free" deal.  Said Minkleman, "These sweatpants, which bear the official Gambay's Logo, are 100 percent cotton, pre-washed, and pre-shrunk, and come in all sizes from small to triple-extra large.  The biggest laowai will have find his size here.  And you will get a special voucher which entitles you to two bottles of beer from the extensive Gambay's beer menu."
 
 
 

Wuxi China Expatdom celebrates "π" Day

The Wuxi China Expatdom celebrated "π" Day with many events.
 
 "π" Day, March 14, is the day the Expatdom commemorates the ratio of any Euclidean plane circle's circumference to its diameter.
 
One hundred thousand Wuxi China Expats gathered at Harry Moore Memorial Square to see who could most quickly and accurately calculate,  by hand, "π" to 1,000 places.  The winner of the contest, Pythagoras, received a choice of either free pie for life, or a lifetime 3.14 percent discount on beer, from Gambay's Pub.
 
Another two hundred thousand male Wuxi Expats gathered at the WCE parliamentary cafeteria to watch WCE Prime Minister Mango and other parliamentarians eat pie.  Mango devoured a "tart and perky" Lemon Merange pie.  Leader of the opposition Nudist Party, Iggy Poop had, what he said, was a "perfectly plump plum pie."  Wuxi Sexpat Leader John Hefner said he was planning to have h***pie in the evening.
 
Gorzo the Mighty, during a "π" day event at the Wuxi China Expatdom museum of Irrational Numbers,  expressed hope that the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, would eat some "humble pie" and confess the many errors of his tyrannical reign.
 
Andis Kaulins, noted skinflint, decided to give one Expat 3.14 RMB towards the purchase of one beer at a local supermarket.  "I decided to splurge after I learned that "π" is the same value as the ratio of a circle's area to the square of its radius." said Kaulins.
 
In the Wuxi New District, twenty two Canadian Expats decided to stand on top of seven Expats from Ottawa.
 
Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate McClusky composed an ode to pie to mark the occaision:
 
Pie in the Sky,
Pie in the eye,
Pie in the face,
is no disgrace
When Gorzo is the cream
and Mango is my dream.
 

Sunday, March 13, 2011

McClusky composes first official poem as Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate

Alfred Lord McClusky, the poet laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has composed and recited his first official Expatdom poem.  He did so at a brief ceremony attended by Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Expatdom;  Expatdom Prime Minister Mango; Official Leader of Gorzo's loyal opposition Nudist party Iggy Poop; and Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub,  acting in role of private Expatdom subject.
 
It was the Mighty Gorzo's ceremonial duty to bestow the official Poet Laureate sash, provided by Minkleman, on McClusky.  After the bestowing, The Expatdom's Poet Laureate immediately burst into tears of gratitude.  Once he was able to compose himself, McClusky said the following:
 
To be naked with you
is a dream come true.
But is not as exciting,
as Gorzo being my King.
 
All who attended agreed it was a fine ode, appropriate for the occasion.  Asked if the "you" in the ode was Mango, McClusky blushed and said "that's a secret, like Cherry Soda's age!"
 
Fred Minkleman said the poem showed the character of McClusky.  "For a poet, he a man of few words.  But when he says something, it is almost in meter, and is quite profound and stirring."
 
 
 

Wuxi China Expatdom and Winnipeg Canada sign Extraction Treaty

The Wuxi China Expatdom's efforts to bring the Ayattolah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi, to account for his awful crimes made tremendous progress today as the Expatdom signed an Extraction treaty with the city of Winnipeg Canada, where the Mordorian tyrant is known to be in hiding.  Gorzo, the King of Wuxi China Expatdom, called a treaty "an historic step in being able to bring the former Wuxi tyrant to justice for crimes against humanity, good taste, and chocolate."

Asked whey the two parties had signed an extraction treaty and not an extradition treaty, Gorzo said "when we do capture the Ayatollah of Mordor, we will have to literally extract him from the hole he will be fetally crouched in.  We will have to use a candy crane and lure him out with chocolate treats, Grade B Sci Fi DVDs, sugar-coated hooks, mint cable, sweet straps, and caramel prods."

Asked what he was getting out of the treaty, Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz said that the Expatdom has agreed to provide assistance and charity to the city in case of a spring flood.  Added Katz, "We also appreciate the military aid the Expatdom provided us in our recent war with Denmark, as well as putting in a good word for us with the National Hockey League."

Wuxi China Expatdom King loves the dear hearts and gentle people who live in his realm

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, during his weekly lecture at Wuxi's Jiangnan University, sung of his love "for the dear hearts and gentle people" who live in his realm.


Gorzo, in a rich bass-baritone voice, said he loved the dear hearts and gentle people of the Wuxi China Expatdom, "because they will never ever let me down. They read the good book from Monday to Friday, and that's how they are on the weekend too. I hope one day they can all have a white house with a picket fence. I feel so welcome each time I return to the Expatdom people that my happy heart keeps laughing like a clown. My realm reminds me of a place I like to go called Batten, Idaho where friendly neighbors smile and say "hello!" It is a pleasure to wander round my realm -- that's what I want the whole world to know!"


Gorzo, when questioned, declined to mention the names of these dear hearts and gentle people, other than to say "there was a fellow named Harry Moore, but he is gone, alas."

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom appoints Poet Laureate

Alfred Lord McClusky was today appointed Poet Laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Gorzo the Mighty announced the appointment at his weekly press conference held  at the Milburn Drysdale conference room of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.
 
McClusky, a long time Gambay's Pub patron, first established a reputation as a poet with his famous odes written on the walls and the stalls of both the men's and women's restrooms of the pub.  His poem "If I said you had a beautiful bodice, would we trip the light fantastic?" is considered a classic of the genre.  It was while using the Gambay's toilet that Gorzo first encountered McClusky's odes and became inspired to appoint him poet laureate.  McClusky is employed in Wuxi as an English teacher and is also the official Steamer Point ambassador to the WCE.
 
"The position is strictly honorary," said Gorzo, "no money from Expatdom coffers will be used for the position.  McClusky's Poet Laureate Sash has been provided by Fred Minkleman, acting in the capacity of private citizen.  McClusky will be expected to compose and recite poems for Expatdom occasions and other government events."

Friday, March 11, 2011

Bill Clinton has Wuxi China Prime Minister Mango under his skin.

Bill Clinton, in an interview with Orient Express, the official news organization of the Wuxi China Expatdom, said he had Mango "under his skin." Ever since the Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister appeared on the world scene, males, worldwide, have been suffering from Mango Fever, an addictive fascination where males find they can't concentrate on their affairs and instead let their minds drift to Mango. No one in the world has been more smitten with Mango than the former U.S. president, and consort of the current U.S. secretary of state.

Said Clinton, "I have got Mango under my skin. I have got Mango deep in the heart of me. So deep in my heart, in fact, that Mango is really a part of me. I feel I will sacrifice everything come what might, for the sake of having Mango near me. Yes, I really do have Mango under my skin. I have this in spite of Hilary warning's voice. She has been telling me, in the night, that I am being fool. She is questioning my mentality. She had been telling me to get back to reality. But each time she does this, just the thought of Mango makes me stop listening to her before she begins. What can I say? I really really have Mango under my skin!"

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wuxi China Sexpats demand reinstatement of Viagra Subsidy

Wuxi China Sexpats  stormed or limped to the WCE Parliament Building demanding a reinstatement of the Viagra Subsidy.  Chanting "We can't get it up!",  "We only want to be happy!", and "Don't be judging us!, the protesters were thwarted by the fact that the parliament had been closed for Chuck Norris's birthday.  The protesters, who didn't then decide to go DVD shopping or head to Gambay's Pub, vowed to not leave till the subsidy was reinstated.

One of Gorzo the Mighty's first acts as the King of Wuxi China Expatdom had been to repeal the Viagra Subsidy.  At the time Gorzo said it was a drain on WCE coffers and had been a cheap ploy on the part of the previous Wuxi China Expatdom (run by the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor) to maintain any semblance of support -- most of which had been lost after the historic Chuck Norris visit to the Expatdom.

Gorzo, asked about the protest, said "that there is nothing stopping the protesters from using their own money to buy Viagra and live with the consequences.  Perhaps, if they have a problem, the can read adult literature or view adult DVDs -- we don't practice censorship in the Expatdom."

Gorzo added, "I have a fine mind to castrate these people and put them out of their misery.  I, of course, won't because to not do so would a greater punishment!"

Asked what he would do about the protesters who were camping out at the Parliament, Gorzo said "that are a wild animals wandering the Expatdom since we turned it into a wild life sanctuary. Protesters beware!"