Wuxi China Expat likes to sleep with girls half his age

Mutt Pile, a former Math teacher and Industrial Sales professional now teaching English in the Wuxi China Expatdom, likes sleeping with girls half his age.  "I could never sleep with such hot chicks in America!" exclaimed Pile who is divorced and has two children back in the states.

Pile has only one complaint about the experiences. Said Pile:  "Only thing is that after we make love, the girls like to sit around and watch t.v. and play video games on their mobile phones.  You would think they would have the decency to clean my apartment or cook me food!"

Pile refused to disclose his age during the interview.  When asked what one half of forty was, Pile answered fourteen.

Duston Short and Harry Moore In Wild Brawl at Wuxi China Expatdom Film Festival

Last night's premiere of the inaugural WCE Film Festival was marred
by an in-cinema fracas involving Harry Moore and Duston Short.

Held at the newly-completed Gruammans Lebanese Theatre, adjacent to Gambays, the film festival had been organised by Harry Moore to honour the great male stars of world cinema.

Harry Moore had obtained a collection of the movies starring Steve McQueen. Intended to be an annual event, the Film a la carte masculin is now under a cloud as to whether further screenings will be held.

The Steve McQueen Tribute Collection began with the screening of the now-legendary Bullit.

Some WCE Expats, who'd been in the audience at last night's premiere,
said that the atmosphere turned ugly when the melee erupted mid-way through the Bullit movie.

Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, also in the audience, had to intervene to separate Moore and Short. CI Callahan said that "the movie had reached the famous San Francisco car-chase scene (the piece de resistance, in my opinion), when limbs began flying down in the front rows. I grabbed those two hot-heads, and dragged them outside the Theatre".

Both Duston Short and Harry Moore gave differing accounts of what had precipitated their altercation. Harry Moore said that he'd organised the Film Festival so "that WCE Expats would gain an appreciation of how real-men conduct themselves". "Duston Short was seated in the row in front of me, and kept interrupting the movie with his incessant chatter. I asked him, politely, to put a sock in his big flapping mouth, but he still kept raving-on about how terrible the movie was. I'd had about as much as I could take, so I poured my Coke over his head, and that's when push turned to shove. I mean, what was I to do? Duston kept complaining that he didn't like Steve. He said he wanted to see some Rocky Bal-Boa film instead!".

Duston Short said "McQueen-man boring myself bad. I say I want Rocky - Harry Moore agreed with me not. Me have opinion different. The Aussie-boy Harry begin
too much think, I think!".

CI Harry Callahan took the pair away for interrogation, and it is believed that both will face a disciplinary Tribunal hearing, chaired by Prime Minister Mango later today. Callahan made both protagonists shake hands, and kiss and make-up.

Wuxi China Expat can't decide which format of "Dune" to marry

A Wuxi China Expat Sci-Fi Enthusiast, who identifies himself as Sir Arthur C.G. Roddenberry Heinlein Asimov Herbert, has fallen in love with the novel "Dune", and because of the Wuxi China Expatdom's law allowing human-inanimate object marriage, has decided he will marry the novel.  Said Roddenberry Heinlein Asimov Herbert: "I have read the novel more times than I have had sex in my life, and found my experiences reading the novel to be more satisfying, and less expensive.  Dune gives me satisfaction on many levels like a spouse should.  I mean why else do we get married?"

 

However, a problem has arisen.  Roddenberry Heinlein Asimov Herbert's copy of Dune has been read many times, and left on so many a bathroom floor, that it may be time for Roddenberry Heinlein Asimov Herbert to buy a new copy.  "But we are in a transitional era in human history" said Roddenberry Heinlein Asimov Herbert.  "The book as we know may become obsolete in the next ten years, and will be replaced by electronic books, and other forms of interactive literary experiences.  I have read Dune once on my Ipad and got my rocks off doing so.  So, clearly I am in love with the text and the words of Dune, but I have feel a certain loyalty and affection for the worn paperback copy of Dune that I have.  So I am conflicted.  Which format of Dune should I marry?  The paperback, the audio book, or the Epub version?"

 

Whether Wuxi China Expats will be able to marry the electronic versions of songs, movies, and books is an issue not dealt with in the legislation that originally permitted human-inanimate object marriage.  Observers of the Expatdom say the issue could be decided by either new legislation, or by the Wuxi China Expatdom Supreme Court of Justice and Human Decency.  Roddenberry Heinlein Asimov Herbert says that he would marry the paperback if it was decided it was illegal to marry Epubs, MP3s, or MP4s.  He admits that he doesn't have the funds to take a case to the WCE Supreme Court.

Wuxi China Expatdom announces American government official as persona non grata perverta wierdo

On Wednesday, Wuxi China Expatdom border guards denied an entry to Bill Clinton, an American. The officers said that the former American government executive had been announced in the Wuxi Chna Expatdom as a persona non grata perverta wierdo, cancelling his visa to the Expatdom

Wuxi China Expatdom Copterline to re-open Wuxi-Shanghai route in early September

Helicopter service company Wuxi China Expatdom Copterline Ltd has announced plans to re-open Wuxi and Shanghai route in early September, but has not yet announced the exact date.

Wuxi Expat English Teacher gets Diarrhea

Sunday Evening, Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom Sumo Midget Wrestling Champion and an English Teacher, now working at Woben English, announced to the patrons of the Chestnut Pub that he had gotten a bad case of diarrhea and probably wasn't going to be able to go to work on Monday.

 

"I think I got the runs after eating at a Xinjiang Restaurant and then at McDonald's" said Short, who though short at Five foot Six makes up for his diminutiveness with 200 pounds of squatness.  "As well, I got an uncle dying that I am worried about.  And so there is nothing that can be done about it, I am going to have to stay in bed tomorrow."

 

Short who has worked for every English School there ever was in Wuxi, has recently been fired by Leprosy and more recently Deceit International English.

 

 

Wuxi China Expatdom thrash Great Britain in Jelgava

The Wuxi China Expatdom Taihu Lakers opened their European basketball tour with on Saturday evening with a comprehensive 23 point victory over a Great Britain side in Jelgava, Latvia.

Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetsky lead the Laker side scoring thirty points and grabbing twenty rebounds in the match played before a crowd of 80,000.

Former King of Wuxi would rather fight than change his undershorts.

Guantanamo Bay 2 Detention Facility, Hans Island, Canada (GB2DFHIC): The Ayatollah of Mordor, former King and Tyrant of the Wuxi China Expatdom, says he would rather fight than switch his undershorts which he says has worn in the two years since he was deposed as the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom by a popular revolution. He says he will only change them when he is "rightfully" restored to the Expatdom Kingship.

Blakelock, warden of GB2DFHIC says the Ayatollah, who is awaiting trial for crimes against humanity, caramel, good taste, and chocolate, refuses to take off his undershorts. "We can't determine," said Blakelock, "if he has caramel balls in his underpants that he doesn't want us to know about, or if he likes the sticky feeling of dry feces in his naughty area. We have warned him about the health dangers of this practice but he doesn't care. He rather fight the handlers than submit to taking baths or daily clothes changes. One time he said "I'd rather fight den switch off my underhausen! He also said "when I am again King, I will bring change! He also has been wearing that hideous piece of chocolate under his nose. I wish he would stop -- he is looking like Hitler!"

160 million applications for investment projects were received in the Wuxi China Expatdom in H1

During the first half of 2011, 160 million investment project requests have been received. Thereby the foreign countries' interest in investment opportunities in the Wuxi China Expatdom now is mucho, much greater than during the reign of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi when 158 applications for investment projects were received, said Māris Ēlerts, representative of the Investment and Development Agency in today's meeting of the Wuxi China Expatdom Coordination Council for Large and Strategically Important Investment Projects held in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion and Conference Room of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.

Wuxi Expat First Lady would rather fight than switch cigarette brands

Lucky Strike Smoker Wonder Woman, an Amazon princess and wife of the Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister, would rather fight than switch cigarette brands.

Said Wonder Woman: "What a wedding I had! And what a cigarette! Why was I smoking a Lucky during the ceremony? Lucky is so much a part of the special moments in our lives. And the fact is that Luckies taste so good. They are rich, mellow, and thoroughly pleasant. Luckies taste better than other cigarettes, first of all, because Lucky Strike means only the finest tobacco is picked. Then this tobacco is toasted to taste even better."

Asked if she would switch brands ever, Wonder Woman said: "Anyone who tries to make me switch will get rung by the neck with my magic lasso! And that includes my darling Mango! So if you are in the Wuxi China Expatdom hanging out at Gambays's, the Santiago Cafe, or the Chestnut Pub, strike up a Lucky, the best-tasting cigarette in the universe."

Wonder Woman and Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango have "second greatest wedding in civilized human history"

In a wedding that defied the laws of physics and time as currently understood by scientists, the Prime Minister of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Mango, married Wonder Woman, an Amazon Princess, at a ceremony attended by three billion and watched by another eighty nine zillion spectators through the known universe on a live television hookup.  Wonder Woman, by marrying Mango, has the new title of first lady of the Expatdom -- the second most prestigious female position in the Expatdom after Queen.

Because the wedding was scheduled on August 23, the birthday of Wuxi's one super expat: Anthony Arnis Peng Kaulins, guests were invited to show up on August 26 and then be teleported back to August 23 via time machine.  Because the church where the ceremony would be held had seats for only a million people, special rotating multi-time dimensional simultaneity switchers were used to allow the three billion invited guests, among them Clint Eastwood, Guy Lafleur, Marc Steyn, and Pamela Anderson, to all feel they were in the church with front-row seats for the ceremony.

The ceremony was conducted by his holiness Pope Benedict XVI.  Frodo the Hobbit was the ring-bearer.  Sir Dirt E. Harrie was encharged with carrying Wonder Woman's bouquet, as well as supervising the lifting of the two mile train behind Wonder Woman's wedding dress.  His majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, was the best man.  Acting as Wonder Woman's bridesmaids were the female members of the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League, and Her majesty, the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira: the Chosen one.  After the Pope declared Mango and Wonder Woman to be Mango and Wife, the crowd cheered lustfully.   The male members of the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League held aloft ten 155mm howitzers each to form a 150 gun arch of love for the newly-weds to be under as they walked to their motorcade.

 

The motorcade consisted of a 120 horse drawn carriage and 85,000 limousines for all the important people who attended the wedding.  The motorcade route took the newly-weds and the V.I.P.'s through every street in Wuxi.  All Expats and locals were out to see the couple and festoon their carriage with flowers.  An estimated five hundred million stood on the motorcade route.

 

The main reception was held in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub.  Three secondary receptions were held at the Harry Moore Memorial Squares Diamond, Gold, and Platinum.  Music at the main reception was performed by Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio -- Irish Pop Band U2 was the warm up act.  The bride threw her garter and bouquet into the crowd.   A Joyous Hilary Clinton, U.S. Secretary of State, caught the bouquet.  Sir Dirt E. Harrie was able to grab the garter away from U.S. President Barack Obama.

All in all, it was a fine day.  Long-time Wuxi Expats said the wedding was the second greatest they had ever witnessed.  The greatest was the Gorzo-Ayira wedding held earlier in 2011.  The third greatest they said was Neils Bohr's also held in 2011.

Wuxi China Expat English Teacher says U.S. Vice President Joe Biden is his hero

Duston Short, midget sumo-wrestling champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom as well as an English Teacher at Deceit International English, was quick to stand up for his hero Joe Biden, after the U.S. Vice President made controversial comments in Sichuan, China.

Said Short:  "Joe's my hero wonder-boy.  He shows me that us morons too can achieve success in the world.  Before I know of Joe, I think me stupid, fat, short, ugly, and have warts on legs and so that I would always be a loser boy.  But then I see good old Joe.  I say myself he is a moron too like me!  And look!  He is the vice-president.  Sure it is like spitting to be the vee pee, but it pay good money and you travel lots of places.  I bet he sleeps with all the good-looking girls he wants!  Because of Joe, I know I don't need change.  I can be lazy and have "a distant relation to saying true things."  I love Joe!  Pick on him not!"

Wuxi Expat Lucky Strike smoker would rather fight than switch

Hunky Bill, owner of the Shevchenko Cup winning Hunky Bill’s Perogies, smokes Lucky Strikes and would rather fight than switch cigarette brands.

Said Hunky Bill: "The method of Lucky Strike tobacco preparation is totally different: the tobacco is toasted, while other cigarette brands have a sun-dried tobacco. This makes Lucky Strike unique. Its taste is amazing and the flavor is wonderful. Real Lucky Strike smokers can recognize it from thousands of tobacco products. A Lucky Strike cigarette is fine tobacco. And no Euro-wienie, Marxist-Leninist, anti-Semitic, anti-Tea-Party, self-defined moderate, North-Korean supporting, Obama-loving, Alcoholic, Libertine has a hope of making me switch. You can purge me, stick in a concentration camp! I am not changing for nobody!"

Harry Moore suggests that Wuxi Expat Duston Short should have said parvenu.

Harry Moore, the greatest writer of prose the world ever saw, says Duston Short was mistaken when describing himself as a public washroom parnevu, and should have said parvenu.

 

Said Moore: "A parvenu is one who has newly acquired wealth or status, but has not yet gained acceptance by others in that class.  On the other hand, Parnevu Shining Gel is what I use to add extra control to help my hard-to-hold hair style stay in place and leave my hair beautifully shiny. It's unique formula gives long lasting style and gloss combined with moisturizers and conditioners that leave the hair manageable, full of body and extra sheen without flaking.  So take it from me, Parnevu Shining Gel assures greater control, deeper penetration, and the style you dare to create!  I don't see how Short will impress the locals by rubbing Parvenu Shining Gel over his short and very squat body."

Wuxi China Expat feels like a parnevu at local public washroom

Duston Short, midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom and a recently hired English Teacher at Deceit International English, is proud of his ability to squat like a local.  However, when he goes to a Wuxi public W.C., he says the locals make him feel like a public washroom parnevu.

 

Said Short:  "Me goes into public bathroom, leave open door, so me can show-squat and smoke for them, and they don't accept me.  They look at I strange-like and laugh  They make I cry-want. Boo Hoo Hoo!  And I lose so many pants to learn squatting!  Waste that has was to be."

Kaulins Towers Nears Completion in Wuxi China Expatdom

KEY FACTS:

- tallest-known structure in the Solar System;

- height: un-measurable;

- floors 1-28: WCE Administrative offices;

- floors 67-75: King Gorzo The Mighty's Throne Room

- floors 126-127: Andis Kaulins' Library and Reading Room; Andis Kaulins'
Lunch Room. Accessed by the fastest elevators ever built.
Powered by Saturn V Booster rockets (Ex-NASA Jet Propulsion
Laboratory).

- floors 2296-2375: The Tony Kaulins/Kaulins Family Private VIP Suites. Admittance by Invitation Only. Sixteen indoor swimming pools. Mega-plex Home Cinema.

- Estimated Completion Date: Prime Minister Mango said that it will be opened,
by Mayor Sam Katz, not later than December 22nd. However, the formal, official opening will be on August 23rd next year.

Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame to open a "Great Tonys" annex.

Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, commissioner of the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame, announced that the WCEHoF will open a "Great Tonys" annex to honour the great Wuxi Expat Tony Kaulins who will turn four years old on August 23.

 

The plans for the "Great Tonys" annex are very ambitious.  Said Landis "Every Tony we honour will have a 2000 meter high statue built in his honour.  Every year that Tony Kaulins lives, we will erect a new statue in his honour.  This year, we will build a 10,000 meter statue of Tony Kaulins.  On August 23 of each subsequent year, we will build a statue of Tony Kaulins that will be a thousand meters taller than the previous year.  We will also legally change the names of people who aren't named Tony to Tony so they can be in the "Great Tonys" annex.  So after Tony Kaulins, we will induct Tony Christ and Tony Shakespeare (the great English playwright) into the annex  And don't forget the great Wuxi Expat writer Tony Moore!"

 

Asked if people named "Anthony, Antony, Toni, and Antonio" were eligible for induction into the Annex, Landis said that there would a fast lane application process for those people to have their names changed to Tony.

 

Asked if bad people named Tonys should fear, Landis said "Of course.  We will hunt these bad Tonys down, purge them, and airbrush them from history!"

 

Wuxi China Expat Andis Kaulins changes breakfast routine.

Andis Kaulins, long-time Wuxi Expat, has changed his breakfast routine.

 

Said Kaulins:  "For six years, when I went to McDonald's, I had the Egg and Sausage Sandwich or the Big Breakfast with the sausage paddy.  But last week, I decided to try the Egg and Ham Sandwich.  Think of it!!  For the first time in nearly seven years, I choose to try that option.  And I liked it!  And so I felt it was a real earth-moving, paradigm-shifting, revolutionary moment.  Who says these things only happens to people who take drugs or are alcoholics!"

 

The general reaction in the Wuxi China Expatdom to the news of Kaulins's breakfast routine change was indifference.  However, one Wuxi China Expat, off the record, did say that "it was a surprise that Kaulins actually spent money on breakfast."

Wuxi China Expat says he is an oenophile, not an alcoholic.

Ole Olie, Wuxi China Expat and the drinking champion of the Chestnut Pub in downtown Wuxi, resents talk that he is an alcoholic.

 

Says Olie:  "This talk of Olie the Olcoholic is a blood libel on my character if you ask me!  Or to be more precise, it is a blood alcohol level libel.  I am an oenophile!  If you don't know what that is, you can look it up in the dictionary or ask the great prose writer Harry Moore for the definition.  So really, you can call me the Oele the Oenophile, or Oele Oelie the Oenophile and stop insulting my character!  I have dying relatives, don't you know!"

 

Olie, when not practicing his oenophilism at the Chestnut Pub, is an English teacher at English Fungus Language School in Wuxi, China.

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: Search postponed.

At a press conference, that has been changed to a weekly occurrence from daily, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force, Karl Malden announced that the search for the missing Swedish Bikini Team will be postponed till after the August 23 wedding between Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango and Wonder Woman.  Said Malden: "The superheroes, from the Wuxi China Expatdom League of Justice, who are scheduled to look for the Swedish Bikini Team, are keen to go to the wedding.  All have invitations.  Some will be bride's maids.  One of the superheroes, Frodo the Magnificent, will be the ring-bearer.  So the SBT  search will have to wait.  I am sure Orient Express who is trapped with them won't mind that one bit!"

Asked how the the Wuxi Wildlife Safari Park's search operation was proceeding, Commander Malden said:  "having wild animals from the Wuxi Wildlife Safari Park search the tunnels under the Wuxi Train Station was a dumb idea.  I am starting to think it was the something the Ayatollah of Mordor would have thought of.  The animals, after eating corpses of those drowned during the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy's search of the tunnels, have sat around satiated and have taken to occasionally scaring train passengers.  Some of the animals are carrying on with the feral Expats from Suzhou, China in a most frightful and shocking manner that offends my Victorian sensibilities!"

Malden then quickly changed the topic from the search to the Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 memorabilia sales.  "We have now sold one hundred trillion's yuan worth of memorabilia, I am proud to say.  We have also secured an exclusive license to sell Mango -- Wonder Woman Wedding memorabilia.   I am sure many will like the bobble head dolls.  We believe that there is a great marketing synergy to be had between the wedding and the search.  I believe that our Swedish Wonder Woman Bikini Team posters and gear will be very popular!  And then there is a poster of the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League posing as a group in a Naturist idiom -- it has to be seen to be really appreciated.  I can't stopped panting now that I have seen it!"

Survey says 50 percent of English teachers are Gnomes, Hobbits, or Dwarves.

A survey of English teachers in the Wuxi China Expatdom has revealed that 50 percent of them are not normal humans but small human-like creatures. The survey by Ispo-Facto-Reid in co-operation with the Wuxi Education Bureau looked at the medical examination records of all English teachers currently registered with the bureau.

"The startling results say a lot about the state of English teaching in the Wuxi China Expatdom," said long-time industry observer Henry W. Fowler. "Any industry with a high portion of Gnomes, Hobbits, and Dwarves is hard-up for bodies to fill positions."

Pierce Broslund, President of the Wuxi English Teachers and Trainers Organization (WETTO), poo-pooed the results, saying that they were the nefarious work of some trouble-maker troll on the Internet with nothing better to do with his time.

The Poolside Harry Moore Book Panned by Critics

The NY Times Book Review:- "Unmitigated baloney!"

The Times (London): "Every photograph is blurred, and the
narrative is all over the place, like a
dog's breakfast. And 'Harry Moore'? - never
heard of him.

Andis Kaulins says to beware of the Idamizer

Andis Kaulins in China, a blog written by Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins, had this to say about Ida the Idamizer in an entry made to his Ipad on August 15, 2011:

Ida is the Idamizer. If you're not on her list, you don't exist.


发自我的 iPad

Wuxi China Expatdom has minor feral Expat problem.

Wuxi China Expatdom, like the Suzhou China Expatdom, has a feral expat problem.

This stunning news was revealed to the World Media at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.  The conference was convened by Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango who made the announcement.

PM Mango said there were three focal points for the feral expat problem:  some English Schools, the Wuxi New District, and Venice Gardens. "The schools with the feral expats are Leprosy International English, Deceit International English, and English Fungus.  If you see teachers from these schools, put on a loin cloth, wave a spear, and go "bogga bogga bogga!"  They will think of you as a friend.  The feral expats living in the New District and Venice Gardens, however, are more of a problem.  If you approach the lair of these Expats, you are sure to be bombarded with rotten fruit and feces.  The only thing one can do in these situations is phone the WCE P.D.  I have authorized Chief Inspector Harry Callahan and his department to shoot feral expats, from the Wuxi New District and Venice Gardens, on sight."

"Doc" Delaney, Wuxi's only genuine chiropractor, to return to work.

"Doc" Delaney, the only genuine chiropractor to have had a practice in the Wuxi China Expatdom, will return to work after being on an alcohol-induced hiatus for a year.

 

Said Delaney:  "I wish to thank my good friends at the Wuxi China Expatdom Alcoholics Anonymous for helping me go a year without touching liquor.  I wish to apologize to all the people I attacked with a knife the last time I drank.  In particular, I want to apologize to my dear wife Lola, whom I had to marry twenty years because of an indiscretion, after which we subsequently lost the baby.  Lately, she kept driving me up the wall with constant talk of wanting her stupid pet dog Sheiba to come back.  She now tells me that she now resigned herself to the fact that the dog is lost -- that fact should keep in me in check.  As well, the Chinese bargirl boarder we had staying with us last year, didn't do the slutty thing.  She instead dumped the sixty-year old Wuxi Sexpat, and married a young man who truly loves her and has good career prospects.  This fact, as well, should me in check, and so I think the chances of me going off the wagon again, picking up a gun, and shooting someone like an English teacher from LIE or DIE schools are fairly low."

 

"Doc" Delaney's chiropractic service is located in the Baoli Shopping Center which is next to the 1912 Bar District.

Wuxi China Expatdom Intellectual says Gorzo is a medium with a message.

General McLuhan, the latest world intellectual superstar to come from the Wuxi China Expatdom School of Clear Thinking, says only four events of any significance have occurred in the last ten thousand or so years of human history.  The first was the invention of clothing. The next was the invention of the written word.  The third was the invention of the printing press.  The fourth was King Gorzo the Mighty's ascension to the throne of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

 

The first three events said McLuhan narrowed man's perceptions and "ripped him asunder" from nature. "Man in his natural state had achieved a full kaleidoscope of perception in a garden of Eden.  But he gave it all away for the sequential and linear.  Man donned clothes and then went to a beatnik cafe.  He gave up being in ten places at once to be one one line going straight to death and hell.  And then he crowed against these laws of physics demanding his betters change them or die."

 

"That is why Gorzo being our king is so important.  Gorzo is the great being of history.  His ascension to the throne of the Wuxi China Expatdom and his subsequent reign have torn the laws of history to shreds.  He has shown us all how we can transcend the bonds of clothing and the linear-sequential thought of the written word.  Gorzo is the medium with the message!"

 

McLuhan, when he is not grand-theorizing, can be seen at many local pubs trying to convince bar girls that money is a bourgeois conceit.  When he is not at the pub, McLuhan teaches English at Deceit International English (DIE).

 

 

Wuxi China Expatdom Wildlife Safari Park to adopt 20,000 feral Suzhou Expats

The Wuxi China Expatdom Wildlife Safari Park, located in concurrence with the 1912 Bar District, has agreed to adopt 20,000 feral Expats from The Suzhou, China Expatdom.

The announcement of the adoption was made by Hugh Jefferts, president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Feral Expats Relocation Assistance League (WCE FERAL), at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub. Said Jefferts: "The Suzhou Expatdom has been overcome with feral Expats, mostly English Teachers, who have been running causing mayhem in the French and Polish Concessions. These Feral Suzhou Expats should fit in well in the Wuxi Expatdom's Wildlife Safari Park when they would prove excellent game for hunters coming from Gambay's."

Asked if the feral expats would fit in with the normal wildfire at the Safari Park, Jefferts said that 100 feral Suzhou Expats already donated have gotten on well with the gibbons, chimps, orangutans, and wildebeests. A group of fifty orangutans and feral Suzhou Expats seem to have had some romantic liaises already, if you know what I mean, wink, wink! The wildlife and the feral Suzhou Expats can be often seen picking off each other's tick and lice, and then sunning together at the decks near the canal that runs alongside the 1912 Bar District."

Jefferts, when asked, was unable to identify the nationalities of the feral Suzhou Expats. "But from what I can make of their mutterings and spastic speech patterns, they must be either U.S. Democrats, Canadian NDPers, or Labourites from England."

Experts blame the outbreak of Feral Suzhou Expats on the Suzhou Expatdom's adoption of a welfare state in the 1960s coming home to roost.

WCERAF Air Marshal Peck Investigates UFO Sighting

MEDIA RELEASE: From The Office of Air Marshal Lord
Gregory Peck, WCE AFB Binhu. August 16, 2011:-___________________________________________

"I, Air Marshal Peck, present the following report to the
Wuxi China Expatdom of events that took place here today.

At 0915 hours, I received a radio message from one of my fighter pilots,
that he was flying a routine air patrol above the Expatdom, and had suddenly
sighted an unidentified aircraft.

"Where exactly is it?", I radioed my pilot, Flight Lieutentant Harry Brubaker.
"It's up here in the sky", he replied. My pilots are trained to give pin-point
precise navigational co-ordinates in that manner , and so I used that information to plot the mystery aircraft's location on my chart. "Hmmm......yes, I see, that places it somewhere over Wuxi."

I instructed Flt Lt Brubaker to continue tracking the aircraft. "Is it friend, or foe, Brubaker?", I radioed. He replied that was unable to determine that.
"Sir, this thing is outracing me! It's heading out of WCE air-space, towards the Suzhou Expatdom, - Sir, am I authorised to execute a 'hot pursuit'?", he requested.

"Permission granted, Lieutenant". Two minutes later, Brubaker radioed that he'd lost visual contact, and was returning to Binhu AFB. Immediately after his landing, I summoned him to my office so as to conduct what we call 'a post-operational flight analysis & appraisal report'.

Brubaker entered my office, saluted me, and stood at attention. I sat on the side of my desk and said, "Now, Lieutenant, I want your full and accurate description of this 'object' you claimed to have seen. And don't give me any "UFO-alien-space warp" theories - just the facts".

Flt Lt Brubaker said, stammering, "Sir, I saw a UFO!". "Take it easy fella", I told him, "we're trained air-force personnel here, so don't give me any fanciful stories!". (thumped my fist on my desk, for emphasis). Pacing back and forth, smoking a Lucky Strike, I ordered Brubaker "tell me what it was, son, and make it snappy!".

"Well, Sir", he replied, "it was a glowing silver colour - and shaped like a, ah, a, cigar!".
That was too much for me, a veteran airman.

"Oh, a cigar, over the Wuxi China China Expatdom, at a height of 32000 ft - yes Brubaker, I suppose you're now going to tell me that this, 'cigar', was being smoked by Fidel Castro??!!".

Brubaker: "Sir, does Fidel Castro have a big beard and wear green camouflage fatigues? If so, well, yes, as a matter of fact that is exactly what I saw from the cockpit of my fighter-plane."

Flt Lt Brubaker has been immediately shipped-out of the WCEAF, and is on his way to the Aletiuans.

(signed) Air Marshall Lord Gregory Peck, WCEAF

Tardy Wuxi China EnglishTeachers attempt to riot in the 1912 Bar District.

Members of the Tardy Wuxi Expat English Teachers Association, TWEETA, inspired by riots in England, attempted to start their own riot in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi China on Sunday.  Saying they were sick of being hassled on account of being late for classes, the tardy teachers decided to break windows at Gambay's.

 

They had planned to meet at ten p.m. to start the riot.  However most of them, including riot organizer and TWEETA chairman Duston Short were late.  When they did arrive, Inspector Harry Callahan shot them before reading the riot act.  Callahan said if they didn't see the need to follow a schedule, he didn't see the need either.

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: Memorabilia Sales hit One Trillion Yuan.

Karl Malden, at a packed press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub, announced that memorabilia sales for Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011  have now exceeded the previously-thought-improbable level of one trillion yuan.  Malden, the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force which is managing the search, attributed the excellent memorabilia sales  to the wild popularity of the limited edition Wuxi China Swedish Bikini Team Steam Honey Lager brewed especially for the search.  "Already," said Malden, "we have sold a billion gallons of delicious amber-coloured ambrosia.  The buy two gallons and get a free copy of the Poolside Harry Moore promotion has perhaps been the most popular promotion in the history of human civilization!"

 

As for the search, Malden said he was "slightly chagrined" at the inability to locate the Swedish Bikini Team.  He then fled the conference and let the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges explain himself.

 

Admiral Bridges said he was disappointed that his navy couldn't find the Swedish Bikini Team.  However, Admiral Bridges said he was proud of the WCERN's technical and scientific achievements made during their search for the Swedish Bikini Team.  Said Bridges:  "We showed that navies do have a role to play to urban warfare.  I also am particularly proud of the technology we introduced during the search:  the pocket nuclear submarine aircraft carrier, and the nuclear-powered underground tunnel flooding pumps.  We also discovered, under the Wuxi China Train Station, three specimens of plesiosaur, a long-necked aquatic reptile that was thought to have gone extinct during the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction event; a school of previously-presumed-extinct Chinese River Dolphins, and a Chinese paddle fish.  And then we were able to remove all water out of the tunnels with the super-duper suction pumps for the search animals from the Wuxi China Expatdom Wildlife-Safari Tour."

 

Asked if anyone was drowned in the tunnels, Bridges said he didn't have exact numbers, and took a guess at one hundred thousand which he said could be food for the lions, tigers, and other predatory animals of the Wuxi China Expatdom Wildlife-Safari Tour.

 

The Wuxi China Expatdom Wildlife-Safari Tour phase of the search will begin on Tuesday.

 

 

 

Mysterious Walking Backwards Craze Grips the Wuxi China Expatdom

For the past week, Expatdom residents have become
increasingly-aware of the tens of thousands of fellow- Expats
who are walking backwards.
Expats are walking backwards on inner-city footpaths,
into stores, inside stores, and then leaving shops, offices and other
buildings in reverse-mode. Some have been observed ascending their apartment stairwells
in this way.

With my Orient Express newshound's nose aquiver, and my tail up, I made my way to
Gambays, to speak to Frank Minkleman, who is regarded as being one of the
best-informed people of almost everything that happens in the WCE.

Arriving at Gambays, I had to take swift evasive action when Hans Klingner,
and Kennesaw "Hui San" Landis, came out the front door, and they both descended
the front entrance steps, backwards, with the dexterity of a Shanghai Expatdom car-driver
performing a precisely-steered, reverse-parking manouvre.

Inside, I sat at the long bar with Frank Minkleman and asked him if he
had any explanations, or theories, as to what lay behind these bewildering behaviours.

"Beats me", Frank said, "patrons in here walk around backwards every night. It may be some
kind of craze, you know, like hula hoops, or Rubicon's Cubes". "I'm amazed", he said, "that
Expats are walking backwards across those jam-packed Zhongshan pedestrian crossings - it's
sheer madness, and I can't understand how they manage that in one piece."

Just then, our conversation was interrupted by Frank's twin brother, Fred, who
told Frank that he was wanted, urgently, on the 'phone.

"Excuse me please", Frank said to me. I then sat and watched, as Frank - still facing me -
took rapid retro-steps backwards to the far end of the bar, colliding with seven barstools,
and sending Tsingtao-quaffing Expat patrons off their bar-tables.

I then left Gambays, intending to call on Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and ask him
if he could shed any light on this bizarre practice. I didn't make it down to the Station to see CI
Callahan, as I saw him, in his squad-car, reversing at a speed of at least 140kmh, heading in the general direction of the 1912 Bar District.

Orient Express.

Robert Downey Jr. leaves the Wuxi China Expatdom

Robert Downey Jr. an English Teacher who has worked at every English school there is in the Wuxi China Expatdom, has returned to his home country.  "Tired of being screwed by schools", says Downey, he says he wants to "pursue other opportunities."

Asked if there was a chance, he could return to the Wuxi China Expatdom, Downey said "Never say never!  I will miss my friends at the Chestnut Pub very much."

Wuxi China Expat English teacher blames U.S. Tea Party for being late for work

Duston Short, English Teacher at Leprosy International English (LIE) in downtown Wuxi, was late for class which he was scheduled to teach at ten a.m. this morning.

 

It was the third time Short, from Ontario Canada, was late for work this week.  "This time, I have come up with a good excuse!" insisted Short who was later interviewed at the pub by Wuxi Partytime Inc.  "The U.S. Tea Party are to blame!  They are so dastardly and bad and dastardly bad and evil and rotten and uncool and not nice and caveman-like and gun-loving and racist and so looking like the aliens in the Aliens movie that the very thought of them caused me to drink more than I usually do!  So I understandably was late for work this morning."

 

Asked how management at the school reacted to his tardiness and excuse, Short said:  "I don't see why they had to yell at me like they did!  You know, I have relatives who are sick and so the head trainer should just be more understanding!  And if it wasn't for all the tragedy that befalls me, I would be the best and most reliable teacher they ever had."

Hunky Bill wins Wuxi China Expatdom Perogy Classic 2011

Hunky Bill of Hunky Bill's Perogies in the Wuxi New District has won the 2011 Wuxi China Expatdom Perogy Classic. Hunky beat out Vern Funk of Funkenstein's Perogies and Sir Guy Rodgers of the Lion's Head Perogies in the final.

Hunky Bill choose to make his classic bacon and cheese perogy for the final competition; Funk took a gamble and tried to impress the judges with his new tofu recipe; Sir Guy Rodgers of the Lion's Head Perogy, the third finals competitor, made boiled beef perogies. When the judges sampled the perogies, it only took them twenty minutes to return with a verdict declaring Hunky Bill the perogy champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom and the new holder of the Shevchenko Cup.

Hunky Bill's victory ended the four year reign of Funkenstein's Perogies as the Shevchenko Cup holder. Perogy observers, the world over, see Hunky Bill starting a perogy dynasty of his own. Erika Eleniak, editor of Perogy Illustrated, said: "Hunky Bill is the Bobby Orr, Babe Ruth, Wayne Gretzky, Tiger Woods, and Harry Moore of perogy-making."

At the award ceremony following the winning verdict, Hunky Bill was presented the Shevchenko Cup by Her Majesty and World First Lady Boxing Champion, Queen Ayira: The Chosen One. After doing three victory laps with the Cup around the Wuxi Landlord's Stadium for the standing room crowd of one million spectators, Hunky Bill rode in a four thousand car motorcade down Zhongshan Road for a ticker tape parade attended by an estimated forty million people.

Yaroslav the Wise, Wuxi China Expatdom Perogy Classic organizer, declared this year's Perogy classic to be a tremendous success. Said Yaroslav: "The 2011 classic was attended by one hundred million spectators. The final was watched by seven zillion trillion beings on galaxy-wide television. With the WCE Perogy Classic here in the WCE and Wuxi China having one hundred thousand perogy shops and emporiums -- the most outside of Kiev -- the WCE has put itself on the perogy map of the universe!"

PM Mango: "My Economic Reform Package For The Wuxi China Expatdom"

Prime Minister Mango emerged from this morning's
top-level talks in the WCE Cabinet Room (next door to the Hanging
Wardrobe Closet Room) to inform the Press of his sweeping
new economic-policy reform bill.

"I've been under intense pressure", he said, "from elements
within my own ranks, and my opponents, to get something done about the
Expatdom's economy".

"Our current surplus is approximately 228 quadzillion, held in
both gold, and every currency in the world. They told me I had to raise this
somehow. One of my colleagues said the current situation is "fiscal
foolishness.' "

"I'm not a qualified economist, as you all know, so I've spent the past month racking my brains on this. It consumed me, night and day. I had to set aside my "Ding Dong The
Bells Are Going To Chime"-wedding plans, temporarily, until I figured something out.

"I consulted several economics books, written by those Adam, and Smith, guys,
however there was nothing in them to help me.
"But, lo and behold, just last week, on August 2, I woke-up that morning
and had a brain-wave!
"We are going to construct a colossal new fountain, in the 1912 Bar District,
and every Expat, and tourist who goes there, will be required to toss three coins in the fountain".

"Then, once a week, we'll collect all that dough in the fountain, and transfer it into
the Expatdom's coffers - problem-solved!", crowed PM Mango.
"But", he added, "I'm mystified how that idea came to me....maybe 'serendipity' is the word for it.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, CIC of the WCE Navy, said that he'd be more than happy to
don his scuba-diving apparatus, once a week, to vacuum the coins up from the depths of the new fountain.

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League to take part in search.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League, a group of local and foreign superheroes has applied for and received permission from the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force to take part in the search for the Swedish Bikini Team.  The league will get its' opportunity to find the ladies after the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy and the animals from the Wuxi Wildlife -- Safari Park in the 1912 Bar District have finished their attempts.

The league's line-up includes Wonder Woman (PM Mango's bride-to-be), Green Algae Man, Barefoot Peasant Doctor, the Wuxi Sexpat Flasher, Panda Man, Panda Girl, Panda Boy, Ontario Body Odour Boy, Red Typhoon, Brick Man, Harry Moore, Rush Limbaugh, Jesuit Jet Stream, Andis Kaulins, Inspector Harry Callahan, Mort Sahl, Acid, Captain Marvelous, Mango, the Iron Bladder, Alcohol Man, Captain Baijoe, Stinky Tofu Man, and dozens of others.

Spokeswoman for the league, Wonder Woman, when asked why the WCEJL has maintained a low profile and not involved itself in the many previous adventures befalling the Expatdom, said that the world wide superhero community saw the Wuxi China Expatdom as a resort.  "The Wuxi China Expatdom, under the wise rule of Gorzo the Mighty and the administration of my fiancee Mango, doesn't need super heroes to save it.  A super hero can come here, take off his or her cape, and just be an ordinary person!"

Asked why the WCEJL has decided to involve itself in Swedish Bikini Team Search Update 2011, Wonder Woman said:  "Unlike many who are skeptical of Orient Express claiming he isn't enjoying his time trapped with the Swedish Bikini Team, the super hero community believes him.  Harry has always been a good friend to the super hero community and we know a honest fellow when we see one!  And so the WCEJL feels compelled to get involved for the sake of Orient Express.  Orient Express is not someone to be fobbed off with a all-star world-wide benefit concert in his honor.  Orient Express only wants results!"

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: The Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy searchs the tunnels of the Wuxi China Train Station.

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Lloyd Bridges didn't let the fact that were no navigable waters under the Wuxi China Train Station stop him and his Navy from participating in Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011.

 

A WCERN Task Force, consisting of four aircraft carriers and three nuclear submarines was able to take local canals to an area near the old Wuxi China bus station.  Said Admiral Bridges:  "The canals were certainly very narrow and a tight squeeze for our carriers, but our subs fired missiles widening and deepening the path."

 

From the waters near the old Wuxi China bus station, the WCERN sent water bombers to the train station in order to flood its tunnels.  "We didn't fill the the tunnels to the top with water.  We filled them to a depth of seven meters.  Anyone trapped in the canals and able to swim, will have air pockets in which to breathe!" said Bridges.

 

The WCERN Task Force then airlifted 35 mini nuclear subs and a pocket battleship to the train station in order to search the tunnels.  Four thousand frogmen from the Jack Cousteau platoon will assist in the under-water, under-tunnel search.

 

Currently, the subs and divers are searching the tunnels.  Said Admiral Bridges:  "So far we have come across a lot of flotsam and jetsam, but no mermaids, no moisten Swedish bimps, or Seaman First Class Orient Express."

Wuxi China Expatdom expels thirty fake Kunming China Expats

Thursday, the Wuxi China Expatdom Bureau of Tourism announced that a group of thirty fake Kunming Expats had been expelled from the Expatdom.

It was Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan who discovered the group.  "I had heard the news of fake Apple and Ikea Stores in Kunming.  And it just so happened that I was cruising the streets of the 1912 Bar District looking for punks to arrest when I came across this group of clearly superficial and plastic people trying to feed orangutans from the Free Range Wildfire Park.  I asked them, not the orangutans but the Kunmingimites, for their identification.  Seeing then that they were from Kunming, I frisked them thoroughly.  Clearly the woman in the group had plastic surgery such as face lifts, lip tucks, and so on.  The men wore tons of jewelry, and used lots of pomade in their hair.  Answering my questions, the Kunmingimites claimed to be very important who knew other important people and that they loved the poor.  This got my goat.  I hated being lied to!  I hate posers!  And so I made them take off their clothes and hand over their electronic gadgets.  Everything they possessed had a designer label, but clearly every item was not authentic.  I did another visual inspection of the nude Kunmingimites and saw fake prosthetics."

Asked what was done with the Kunmingimites, Inspector Callahan said "I put them on the next train to Kunming!  This sort of fakery and deception just won't do in the Wuxi China Expatdom which is the most real and transparent place on God's green earth!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister to marry Wonder Woman

In a announcement that stunned the wagering community and disappointed millions of male admirers, it was revealed that Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango is engaged to wed Wonder Woman, the Amazon Princes and Superherioine. The nuptials are scheduled to take place at the Wuxi Church near HyLite Language School on August 23, Tony Kaulins day in the Expatdom.

PM Mango, at the press conference, said this about his bride-to-be: "Wonder Woman my love! I am waiting for you and the power you possess in your satin tights! We will be side-by-side fighting for our rights, the red white and blue, and now the Wuxi China Expatdom! I think the world will be ready for us and the wonders that we can do! We will make hawks doves, stop war with love, and make liars tell the truth! Wonder Woman! Together we will get the world out from under! Make the U.S. pay down its debt! With my charm and your magic, we will stop bullets cold! The lefties will fold, change their minds and change the world!"

PM Mango declined to answer questions about how the marriage had come about, saying only that all would be revealed in good time in a book that the great writer Harry Moore had been commissioned to write.

The Wuxi China Expatdom community was stunned by Mango's choice of marriage partner. "No one put money on Mango marrying Wonder Woman. And by the time of the Mango press conference, one trillion USD had been bet."

Many of Mango's millions of male admirers are reported to be contemplating suicide.

President Bill Clinton, one of Mango's most famous and ardent admirers, has reportedly tried to come to the Wuxi China Expatdom by way of North Korea to stop the wedding form happening.

However, some Mango fanatics are saying that Wonder Woman is perhaps the perfect mate for Mango. Said Mango admirer Chuck Norris: "Both Mango and Wonder Woman possess a sex appeall that transcends the actual physical act of sex. If they actually had sex it would surprise me. Some rare beings are meant for better things!"

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: 30 killed, 4,000 wounded in heavy fighting under the Wuxi Train Station

Brigadier General Viscount Monty Patton, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force that searched yesterday for the Swedish Bikini Team, said that though he wasn't pleased with the search aspects of Operation Trollop, the overall military aspects of the operation were performed with tremendous valour.

Said Patton: "The locals, to whom we supplied weapons to make the search a real challenge, put up stiffer resistance than we envisaged, which is of course to their credit.  They repeatedly turned away armour assault after armour assault.  We finally had to "shake and bake" them with white phosphorous and high explosive shells fired from the 155mm Cannons of the WCERLF 71 Battery, Major Winter commander.  The artillery barrage proving successful, we were finally able to secure the major tunnels underneath train station with four corps of Queen Ayira Light Infantry.  There are currently only scattered pockets of resistance in some minor tunnels.  The area will be secure enough for the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy, commanded by Admiral Lloyd Bridges, to try its hand at searching for the SBT!" (The WCERN has been given a few days to search for the SBT.)

Asked if the WCERLF had found any sign of the SBT, Patton admitted that he had forgotten about them till it was too late due to "the excitement of the good bloody battle."

The Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force, Karl Malden said Patton's forgetting about the search was understandable.  Said Malden: "The WCERLF are fights and lovers; not real searchers.  But you got to hand it to them for what they did militarily.  They prevailed in a bloody fight.  We salute the thirty that won't be with us anymore, as well as four thousand who got wounded.  Military enthusiasts will be studying the battle that took place today for centuries to come, I'm sure!"

Malden was also pleased to announce that sales of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 memorabilia had gone over two billion yuan, and that the fighting in the tunnels below the train station didn't stop the trains above from running on time.

Wuxi China Expatdom abuzz with rumours that Prime Minister Mango is getting married

Wuxi China Expats have temporarily turned away their attention from Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 to rumours that their Prime Minister Mango is getting married. 

 

Billions of Yuan have already been wagered at local WCE betting emporiums on whether Mango will have a bride or groom or neither. 

 

Billions more are being bet on who specifically Mango's marriage mate will be.  Former President Bill Clinton is the favorite, but only barely, among Expatdom punters.  Other popular choices for Mango's marriage mate include Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, Angela Jolie, Wang Fei, Liu Xiang, Terry Pickford, Gus Batterson, Pamela Anderson, Timothy Geithner, Lady Gaga, Mister Gaga, Paul McCartney, Nancy Pelosi, Jon Huntsman, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Stanley Dangle, and Cher.

 

PM Mango has arranged to hold a press conference at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District to announce something tomorrow.  Wuxi China Expatdom Mangologists are certain that the Prime Minister will make a wedding announcement.

 

But the Mangologists have no idea who Mango is going to marry.  Mangologist General Mcluhan says that talks he has had with Mango's closest confident Harry Moore, have given no clues.  "Moore tells me that Mango likes to keep a Berlin Wall-like separation between private and professional matters, and so it is impossible to know what turns the Prime Minister's crank.  Moore emphasizes that his relationship with Mango is professional though they have played a few rounds of golf together.  Mango is a scratch golfer, Moore tells me, who plays the game expertly and sportsmanlike, and then goes home after the 18th hole politely declining all requests to come to the 19th hole for a drink and chat."

 

And so the Eyes of the Expatdom and most of the civilized world will be focused on the press conference Mango will hold tomorrow.  Press passes for the conference are already fetching up to a million yuan on the Internet.

Wuxi China Expatdom's Official Postcard Unveiled

Officials of the Expatdom's Tourist Board have released

the WCE's official, authorised postcard, created to attract several

hundred billion more tourists here.

The postcard's photograph was taken at the opulent Taihu Polynesian
Golden Sands Resort.

In it, the Expatdom's pre-eminent English teacher, Andis ("Licenced To
Thrill") Kaulins, is shown giving helpful street directions (using the present
continuous tense), to a newly-arrived visitor to the Expatdom.

Andis Kaulins only charged a meagre US$550,000 for the rights to use his image,
plus a 40% commission from the sales of every postcard. The new postcard

is only available from Mr "Licenced to Thrill" Kaulins.

Wuxi China Expatdom Land Force to take part in Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011

Brigadier General Viscount Monty Patton, acting Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander, announced that the WCERLF will take over the Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 for a day.  Said Patton, "I don't see what the difficulty is!  We know more or less where the Swedish Bikini Team is. We have the manpower to do a such a thorough search that a searcher need only be responsible for two square meters of search area.  In fact, I think it will be so easy for the WCERLF to find the SBT that I propose to make it more of a challenge.  I have given the locals AR-15s, AK-47s, Mortars, Tanks, and mines to make the search more of a challenge for us."

 

Asked if this was rash, Patton exclaimed  "Think of the movie that can be made about this!  Piersce Broslin can play me and Orient Express!  Harry Callahan, Jimi Hendrix, and the WCE trio can make the soundtrack!  And imagine the accompanying marketing possibilities including t-shirts, bobble-head dolls, calendars, boots, and t-shirts!  Imagine all the money that we can make!  Wo who hoo!  You may say I am a dreamer!  But I am not only the one!  I hope that you can join us!  And the WCERLF can be one!!!"

Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force Commander responds to Orient Express's pleas for help.

Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force that is currently searching for the Swedish Bikini Team, has responded in dramatic fashion to a note from Orient Expresss. Orient Express, who is believed to be trapped with the Bikini Team in the tunnels below the Wuxi China Train Station, sent a note to the WCEIEF claiming he was being molested by the team and that he really wanted Harry Callahan or Andis Kaulins to find him. Within an hour of receiving the note, Malden came up with a plan.

"The WCEIEF marketing division," announced Commander Malden, "will arrange for a world-wide benefit concert for Orient Express. Already, what is left of the Who, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles, the Byrds, U2, Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, Steppenwolf, the Sex Pistols, Echo and the Bunnymen, the Mormon Tabernacle choir, and Lady Gaga have agreed to appear in the concert for free. Andis Kaulins will sing every song Sinatra ever sung. Harry Callahan has agreed to reunite with the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio and an reincarnated Jimi Hendrix to perform in the Orient Express Concert Grand Finale! There will also be a variety of memorabilia from the concert for sale such as bobble head dolls, t-shirts, and hats. Proceeds from the concert will go to funding a blue ribbon panel which will decide what can be done to rescue Orient Express. As well this panel will analyse the report that will be made by another blue ribbon panel that is looking into to what can be done about the one million WCEIEF entangled in string in the tunnels underneath the Wuxi China Train Station! Expect decisions to be made after most of us are retired!"