Wuxi, China Expatdom

Wuxi China Expatdom Housewives declare War on Women

2012-03-12T05:15:00.001-07:00

Wuxi China Expatdom housewives have declared a war on women.

Maude Joyner, president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Housewives Association (WCEHA), made the declaration yesterday. "Housewives and Women are natural enemies so it is only natural there would be enmity, sometimes leading to war, between us. And though housewives aren't women, we do have the cattiness of women so this is going to be a hell of a fight!"

Asked how it could be that housewives aren't women, Joyner said that all feminist groups speaking for women seemed to think that housewives gave up their womanhood by getting married and staying home to raise children.

Deloris Morris, leader of the Wuxi China Expatdom Feminist Sexpat Alliance, called Joyner a "batch" and vowed that the WCEFSA would fight the WCEHA with maximum ferocity.

WCEFAS President to speak at Wuxi China Expatdom Senate House on March 15

2012-03-12T02:58:00.001-07:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society (WCEFAS) President Harry Moore has agreed to deliver a film talk about Cinematic depictions of Gladiators and the ancient Romans to the Wuxi China Expatdom Senate on March 15.

In a WCEFAS press release, President Moore said he "was honored to be invited by such an august body to deliver a lecture on matters of major cinematic importance." He then stated that he found it hard to believe that he had never before been invited by them to speak and that he had in fact never heard of the WCE Senate till he got the invitation.

Later, President Moore was confronted by reporters as he was doing some shopping at a Kedi and he was asked if perhaps the invitation was a plot of some disparate factions of the WCEFAS that had on previous occasions tried to have him assassinated in Dealey Plaza, Ford's Theater and Sarajevo, scenes of previously historically significant assassinations. Moore told the reporters that he was going to deliver his lecture in the WCE, not Rome, so that the delivering the lecture on the Ides of March was not anything of which he should beware.

Wuxi Expats going crazy for McDonald's Breakfast Hot Dogs

2012-03-10T21:34:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdomites are going crazy for the new McDonald's Breakfast Hot Dogs now available in Wuxi. Many are dancing in the street to celebrate the introduction of hot dogs, which are only 10 rmb with a small coffee, to the McDonald's breakfast menu

Sunday morning, at the McDonald's at the corner of Xueqian and Zhongshan Roads, ten thousand Wuxi Expats could be seen waiting in line to get the American delicacy, which, more than being food, is seen a symbol of the human aspiration for liberty. Waiting to buy the Hot Dogs, the Expats were in a jubilant mood as they formed a slowly moving and dancing conga line waiting to be served. The fortunate Wuxi Expats who had places in front of the line and were able to buy and consume their hot dogs first, could be afterwards seen performing the Prisyadaka dance arm-in-arm with those who had also finished their hot dogs.

Many Expats, when asked about their jubilation, said it was great to get hot dogs at very affordable price in Wuxi. One Expat, Duston Short, the Midget Sumo Wrestling champion of the WCE, said he hadn't had a cheap hot dog in years. He then bought sixty, and could be seen eating them in all his classes as he taught at English Fungus Language School. Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins is who the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, told the WCE Blog that he remembered there was a place serving hot dogs seven years in the WCE. "Its menu started out with western-style dogs but quickly evolved into unimaginable recipes appealing to local tastes before it finally went out of business. Since then, the Wuxi China Expatdom has been a desert when it comes to Hot Dogs. I can understand the jubiliation that long-time Wuxi Expats feel at seeing hot dogs on the McDonald's menu!" said ET Kaulins.

Other Expats said it was wonderful to see food, symbolic of the human aspiration for freedom and liberty, being served in the Expatdom. Wuxi China Expat philosopher Henri Raulston Hume told the WCE Blog that the Hot Dogs were a "metaphysical revelation" to him and that he would order four hot dogs the next time he went to McDonalds.

Wuxi China Expatdom to hold its first annual Lake Taihu Regatta

2012-03-09T18:39:00.010-08:00

The Wuxi China Expatdom Yacht Club will hold its first ever Taihu Regatta on March 17.

Admiral "Skipper" Nimitz, retired, told the WCE Blog that a million yachts, dinghies, junks, rafts, cruisers, destroyers, container ships, canoes, kayaks, catamarans, aircraft carriers, tugboats, hovercraft, and aircraft carriers will participate in the Expatdom's first real celebration of boating.

Admiral Nimitz said the Wuxi China Royal Expatdom Navy was being very helpful in Regatta preparation. "WCERN Admiral Bridges assures me that his cruisers will be patrolling the perimeter of the Regatta area keeping away the great white sharks, krakens, giant octopuses, pirates, customs boats, nudists, U-boats and the monster jelly fish that have been known to prey on Wuxi Expat yachtsmen in the past!"

Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada forced to cancel Saturday Afternoon Street Hockey Game

2012-03-09T17:58:00.001-08:00

Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada have been forced to cancel their Saturday Afternoon Street Hockey game. The game between Ontario English Teachers and Ontario Engineers was started but cancelled after thirty minutes because the traffic on Zhongshan Road was too heavy.

Duston Short, the game's organizer, told the WCE Blog that though he and many of the Expats had lived in Wuxi for years, they hadn't realized how hard it would be to have a street hockey on Zhongshan Road on a Saturday Afternoon. "There were so many pedestrians, cyclists, buses, and taxis on the road and we kept running into them. We stood around for twenty minutes at one point waiting for the traffic to go away. I think we even lost one of our goalies because he was run over by the #81 bus. Still, we would have kept on playing but we only brought two tennis balls with us, and both of them got runned over and crushed by taxis!"

Short said that he and members of the Ontario Wuxi International Expat group (the OWIE group) would hold a general meeting to determine if maybe they should play their games at the New Sports Centre on Taihu Dadao. "Chestnut Pub owner Wally Droop, and many others, had told us that we should have done that in the first place but we didn't listen to them!" said Short.

Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War takes dramatic turn as the two WCEDVDAS groups declare war on the WCEWCEDVDASCWARS

2012-03-09T07:10:00.001-08:00

A dramatic realignment of alliances has taken place in what has been called the WCEDVDAS Civil War. The two WCEDVDAS organizations, originally at war with each other, shocked the world by declaring that the Wuxi China Expatdom WCEDVDAS Civil War Appreciation and Reenactment Society (WCEWCEDVDASWARS) had become their common enemy, and that effective immediately they both would fight future Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War battles against it. The WCEWCEDVDASWARS which had been neutral in the war, saying it had appreciated the efforts of the two WCEDVDAS armies, then declared it was prepared to fight a war of self-defense against the two WCEDVDAS organizations.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society had originally gone to war because of a booking conflict, that was never resolved and involved Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore who had been scheduled to speak at their grand conventions on the same night. The WCEDVDAS Civil War had been proceeding splendidly, noted observers, with many record-breaking battles involving tanks, battle ships and old-fashioned cavalry, resulting in record memorabilia sales revenue for the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force, the exclusive supplier of WCEDVDAS Civil War memorabilia. But then the WCEWCEDVDASWARS began to reenact the battles and take supplies needed by the two WCEDVDAS armies to fight their original battles. The WCEWCEDVDASWARS so ruined the logistical supply chains of the two WCEDVDAS armies that a major battle, which was to have been a tribute to the battle of Marathon, had to be postponed. The WCEWCEDVDASWARS then staged its reenactment of the battle, that was to be a tribute to the battle of Marathon, before the original battle had even taken place! This was a humiliation that was borne by the commanders of both WCEDVDAS armies causing them to ally themselves against the reenactors.

The dramatic realignment of alliances has angered the WCEIEF which has seen its sales of WCEDVDAS Civil War memorabilia plummet. The WCEIEF is contemplating supplying logisitical and military support to the two WCEDVDAS armies. "We had planned on the WCEDVDAS Civil War lasting another week!" complained WCEIEF commander Karl Malden, "and so we have hundreds of millions of dollars of WCEDVDAS Civil War memorabilia, in our warehouses which is now obsolete. We will start producing lots of WCEDVDAS -- WCEWCEDVDASWARS Civil War products of course, but we don't know what we are going to do with the stock we already have!"

Many fear that other Wuxi China Expatdom Appreciation Societies will be dragged into the conflict. An extensive network of secret alliances has been formed over the last year, so observers are unsure on which side of the civil war many of the appreciation societies are. One such organization, the Wuxi China Expatdom Mary Tyler Moore Appreciation Society (the WCEMTMAS), has pledged logistical support to the WCEDVDAS side. Another organization, the Wuxi China Expatdom Appreciation Society Appreciation Society (the WCEASAS) has reportedly sided with the WCEWCEDVDASWARS.

Many of the appreciation societies are apparently waiting to see with whom the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society will side. However, WCEFAS President Harry Moore is reportedly in seclusion rehearsing his honeymoon with his new bride Mrs. Miss Moneypenny Moore so his endorsement may be a long time coming.. An endorsement by the WCEFAS President, who is also a WCE Archduke, will result in a lot of legitimacy for the side endorsed.

"Again!" says, Wuxi China Expatdom historian Edward Gibbon, "the fate of the Wuxi China Expatdom rests with Harry Moore! I speak for all Wuxi China Expatdomites when I say I implode him to make his allegiance in this conflict known!"

More and more families choosing to live in the Wuxi China Expatdom

2012-03-08T18:35:00.002-08:00

More and more families are choosing to live in the Wuxi China Expatdom according to Bob S. Grant, the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Families Council (WCEFC).

"No longer is the Wuxi China Expatdom a place for English Teachers and cheating Engineers to sow their oats!" said Grant, a Claremont, California proctologist turned English teacher. "Thanks to the wise rule of his majesty King Gorzo the Mighty and the efficient administration of Prime Minister Mango, the WCE is now a place for families. The previous King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, besides being a threat to the idea of personal ablutions was also an absolute menace to honest and moral people raising families! It takes great discipline on my part to not utter his name and not spitting on the ground!…. Anyway, my wife Clare, a former tax attorney who also teaches English now, and my two children love it here. There is nothing we like better than to stroll the parks of Wuxi, China and browse through a copy of the Poolside Harry Moore. And if we aren't doing that, we study the amazing feats of King Gorzo, Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, Prime Minister Mango, Wonder Woman, Admiral Lloyd Bridges and General Colonel Harlan Sanders — they are are a great source of inspiration for us!"

"And of course, the Wuxi China Expatdom has everything a family needs to live the good family life. There are plenty of parks, many churches and synagogues, lots of shopping and great schools!"

"We have told all our friends about the WCE and many have already moved here. Many parts of California, including our hometown of Claremont, have turned into ghosts towns, as they have abandoned their prosperous middle-class lives and chosen to become English Teaching families in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Yes! The WCE is the closest on Earth that one can get to Heaven!"

Wuxi China Sexpat says he has special present for the ladies on Women's Day

2012-03-07T21:25:00.001-08:00

John Hefner, a prominent Wuxi China Sexpat, says he has a special present for ladies on March 8th, which Women's Day as declared by the United Nations.

"If they come 'round to my place anytime today -- I took March 8th off especially for them -- they can get their present! Yozza Yozza!" declared Hefner.

Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War Buffs staging reenactments even though the WCEDVDAS War hasn't finished yet.

2012-03-07T21:14:00.001-08:00

The WCEDVDAS Civil War, besides generating great revenue for the Wuxi China Expatdom, has seen the establishment of the WCE's newest organization: the Wuxi China Expatdom WCEDVDAS Civil War Appreciation and Reenactment Society (the WCEWCEDVDASCWARS).

To the consternation of some and the amusement of others, the WCEWCEDVDASCWARS has already began to reenact the battles of the WCEDVDAS Civil War. They reenacted March 2nd's Battle of Lake Taihu on March 3rd. They reenacted March 4's Armour Battle, the Battle of Xueqian and Zhongshan Roads on March 5th, and they reenacted March 6th's Cavalry Battle at the Five Kingdoms Park on March 7th. WCEDVDAS Civil War observers have complained that their reenactments have been so authentic that they have had a hard time determining these days if they are watching real warfare or an reenactment.

Commanders of two WCEDVDAS armies have also complained that they have had logistical difficulties because the WCEWCEDVDASCWARS has already gotten possession of military equipment that they need for the actual battles. In fact, the battle that the two WCEDVDAS armies were to fight on March 8th, which was to be a tribute to the battle of Marathon, has had to be postponed till after the reenactment is held on March 9th. "We don't have any Hoplite spears and shields yet because the WCEWCEDVDASCWARS rented them all!" complained one WCEDVDAS commander.

Wuxi Expat English Teacher proud of being able to get drunk and show up for work the next day

2012-03-07T19:48:00.001-08:00

Patrick Fitzgerald, a Wuxi Expat English Teacher from Ireland, told the WCE Blog that he is proud of being able to get drunk and show up to teach classes the next day.

"Unlike some other Wuxi Expats who come from my country and can only drink a wee little drop here and there every evening, I can consume vast amounts of alcohol all the day long, from sunrise to sunset and from sunset to sunrise!" boasted Fitzgerald.

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut Pub, and Sammy Dangle, owner of Dangle's Participle Pub, confirmed Fitzgerald's boast and told the WCE Blog that his prodigious drinking will allow them to retire ten years earlier than they had planned.

However, the management of Swanee English where Fitzgerald works, said that while he had never been late for a class, he had been in many donnybrooks with students. "If we didn't need a teaching body, we would have fired him long ago!" lamented Lucius Springs, the senior teacher at Swanee.

Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada hospitalized after trying to pronounce an abbreviation as a word

2012-03-07T17:46:00.002-08:00

The WCEDVDAS Civil War taking place in the Wuxi China Expatdom claimed its first civilian casualties yesterday as several Expats from the Canadian province of Ontario injured themselves when trying to pronounce "WCEDVDAS" as if it were a word.

Doctor Marcus Welby Scott the Second, head of the emergency department at the Wuxi China Expatdom General Hospital #15, told the WCE blog that on Wednesday evening several Expats from Ontario, Canada were picked up in the area of Nanchang Jie Bar Street, taken to the WCEGH #15 emergency section and are now listed in serious, but stable condition in the pronunciation injuries ward.

Officer McNulty, of the Wuxi China Expatdom police squad, told the WCE Blog that investigations conducted by his crack team of constables and their gorilla helpers revealed that the Ontario Expats had been drinking and talking about the WCEDVDAS Civil War. "They spent a least three hours last night trying to pronounce "WCEDVDAS." They were not dissuaded by other patrons telling them that "WCEDVDAS" was an acronym and that pronouncing it as if it were a word was futile. When the manager at Dangle's Participle told them to vacate the premises, they left immediately, but were so engrossed in the pronunciation of WCEDVDAS that they didn't pay attention to where they were going. Several of them walked straight into a nearby canal. At least two walked right into moving traffic. Another kept banging his head into a wall that he kept trying to walk into!" said McNulty.

Military Commanders of the two WCEDVDAS organizations involved in the Civil War had proudly boasted that no civilians had been injured or killed in their skirmishing. When confronted with reports of the injuries of the Ontario Expats, both commanders said that they Ontario Expats couldn't really be classified as civilians. One commander went so far as to say, off the record, that Expats from Ontario, Canada couldn't even be classified as human.

The WCEDVDAS civil war, which has been going on since March 2, has already seen memorabilia sales exceed those of World Wars One and Two combined.

Naturists Beseech Andis Kaulins To Broker Peaceful End To Civil War

2012-03-06T05:42:00.005-08:00

They came by bus. They came by foot. They came crawling on their stomachs.
An estimated 3 billion Naturists - predominantly English teachers, gathered in the Wuxi China Expatdom today. As the WCEDVDAS Civil War continues to escalate, WCE peaceniks joined with buff-naked Expats from all corners of the Expatdom's far-flung Colonies.

Their objective was to prevail upon English Teacher Andis Kaulins to
act as spokesman and leader in their anti-war stance. Converging at the intersection of Xuegian and Zhongshan Roads - the WCE's epicentre of greatness, equivalent to Times Square, the multitude proudly exposed their loins and proceeded to Andis Kaulin's Ivy League Varsity Faculty, hoping to persuade him to join their cause, and to employ his peerless skills in negotiating an armistice.

The Naturist's leader, Rory Calhoun, from the Bengbu Expatdom Colony, said that Andis Kaulins was the best, and only, personage who could restore peace.
"His tact, his diplomacy, his mastery of oratory", said Calhoun, "and his
unmatched conciliatory, sensitive, prudent, suave and artful qualities make Andis Kaulins our chosen emissary. And, add to all that his expertise with demonstrative pronouns, intransitive verbs, subordinate clauses, peripheral adjectives, inverse modal auxillaries, and, best of all, bare infinitive clauses, make Andis Kaulins The Great Communicator who, alone, can succeed in this mission".

But the throng was in for a rude, nude shock. At the granite-columned portal of the Faculty, the Idamizer - Royal Keeper of All Lists, told them that
they were too late. "Andis Kaulins has taken a sabbatical", she explained. "He has removed his pants, taken his board, and has gone to the Beixhing Expatdom to go surfing".

The conflict rages on......

The Biggest Calvary Battle since the Napoleonic Era takes place in the Wuxi China Expatdom

2012-03-06T01:10:00.001-08:00

The Civil War, taking place in the Wuxi China Expatdom between the two WCEDVDAS organizations (the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society), went retro today as the biggest cavalry battle since the Napoleonic Era took place at Wuxi's Five Kingdoms Theme Park near Lake Taihu. An estimated million horses and horsemen took part in the Battle of the Five Kingdoms. They wore retro Prussian, English and French Calvary uniforms from the Battle of Waterloo.

Karl Malden, the commander of the Wuxi China Expat International Expeditionary Force which is the exclusive supplier of WCEDVDAS Civil War 2012 merchandise, said that bobble-head cavalrymen dolls, authentic replica Prussian Cavalry uniforms circa 1815, stuffed cavalrymen and horse toys were already on sale at all WCEIEF shops in the Wuxi China Expatdom as well as its colonies. "Supplies of the memorabilia are limited so it is best to buy today or risk forever being disappointed!" said Malden.

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President marries his secretary

2012-03-05T05:56:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore and his secretary Miss Moneypenny are now man and wife.

Despite deciding to elope, they couldn't stop a crowd estimated at 100 million from showing up at the Wuxi China Expatdom Marriage Bureau to see them get their wedding license.

The marriage was surprising given that WCEFAS President Moore, who is also an WCE Archduke, had been spanking Miss Moneypenny every day since she had caused him to be double-booked at two WCEDVDAS grand conventions on March 1. Only yesterday, Moore had told the WCE Blog that he had "been very cross with Miss Moneypenny for her naughtiness which had lead to the double-booking and now the WCEDVDAS civil war!"

But today Moore told the WCE blog that he had changed his mind and had forgiven Miss Moneypenny for her role in the double-booking conflict and subsequent WCEDVDAS civil war. "Miss Moneypenny said she had been a little jealous of my trip to Paradise Island to impregnate all the perfectly beautiful Amazonian princesses! And I could see her point, for so often she was there to give me a back rub after my film talks or my Fung Fu sparring sessions with Steve McQueen and Bruce Lee. I realized yesterday that she was the only woman to have thought of anything of me before I wrote my international smash best selling novel and portfolio the Poolside Harry Moore; and that she deserved to be my wife!" said a beaming Moore who hair seem more efflugent and overall manner seem more virile that previously thought humanly possible by the greatest minds of all human history.

Moore said that he and his new wife the Mrs. Miss Moneypenny Moore hadn't thought of where they would go on a honeymoon. "I think will be stay in the Wuxi China Expatdom first to see what we can do about stopping the WCEDVDAS Civil War. Now that I have a dance partner -- Yes! Mrs. Miss Moneypenny Moore is that greatest dancer since Ginger Rodgers -- I, I mean we, are working on a dance routine that will stop the combatants from thinking about war."

Wuxi China Expatdom observers have already begun to speculate if Mrs. Miss Moneypenny Moore will be made a Archduchess.

2,750,000 Wuxi Expats fight in the battle of Xueqian Street

2012-03-05T05:22:00.002-08:00

In one of the greatest armor clashes since the Battle of Kursk, almost three million Wuxi Expats from the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society squared off at the corner of Xueqian and Zhongshan Roads on Monday, the second day of the WCEDVDAS Civil War. Nearly 8,000 super tanks, 36,000 guns and mortars, 5,000 planes and twenty amphibious aircraft carriers were involved in the battle.

Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force Commander Karl Malden, whose organization is the exclusive official supplier of WCEDVDAS memorabilia, said the size of the battle should be great for their sales. "The fact that the battle wasn't one-sided and that there were several counter-offensives during the day, coupled with many controversial command decision by commanders of both armies will mean the official computer simulation of the battle, available on apps for both the Iphone and Android phones, will be very popular. As well, we have bobble head dolls of all the commanders of today's battle including WCEDVDAS commanders Erich von Manstein the second and Nikolay Vatutin Junior. We have managed to collect all the debris from the 2,400 planes, 2,000 tanks, and 4400 guns destroyed in the battle and are taking bids! And who won't deny his child's request for a model of a seemingly indestructible amphibious aircraft carrier which can only be bought at a WCEIEF shop!?"

The WCEDVDAS Civil War which began as a frivolous conflict, between the the two WCE organizations with the same acronym, over a double-booking of Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore has become one of the most lucrative wars for memorabilia purchasing in all of human history. "I figure that we will exceed the gross revenue taken in, to date, by the model, book and movie sales generated by World War Two!" boasted Commander Malden.

Wuxi China Sexpats award Sandra Fluke Medal of Honour

2012-03-05T04:27:00.001-08:00

Deloris Morris and John Hefner, co-leaders of the Wuxi Feminist Sexpat Alliance, announced that their organization would give Sandra Fluke a golden medal of honour.

Morris said it was courageous of the 31 year old Georgetown Law Student to want to speak up for woman and free birth control before the U.S. congress. "Those evil Republicans, especially Rush Limbaugh, who want all women to die but not before they do housework, wouldn't let Fluke speak, but the nice Democrats did! It was important for members of Congress and the world to hear about the real impact that having or not having insurance coverage for contraception can have on women!" said Morris, one of the Wuxi China Expatdom's most outspoken Feminists.

Hefner praised Fluke as well saying "I liked to hear that woman needed to spend three thousand U. S. dollars on contraception. She must have needed all that money on french ticklers and exotic foams! I can just imagine the fun she has when she not studying law or doing her activism work! Yozza Yozza! Hang out me with me Fluke Honey and you will get all the contraception you need! A ha!!!"

Feminist Leader Morris said that she hoped that women could get free contraception in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Sexpat leader Hefner said he was in complete agreement and would start a fund to provide free contraception for bar girls.

Wuxi China Expat to marry Public Washroom near the Nanchang Jie Bar Street

2012-03-04T20:16:00.001-08:00

Wuxi Expat Zbeigniew Ostrowski, a Canadian Engineer from the province of Ontario, wants to marry a Public Washroom that is located in an old Wuxi neighborhood near Nanchang Jie Bar Street.

Ostrowski told the WCE Blog that one day he was walking down Nanchang Jie and "had to go." He located his eventual bride after asking a few Security guards and street-side hawkers for directions to a W.C. before finally having locals take him to "her."

"I wasn't smitten with "her" at first!' said Ostrowski, "She was old, stinky and nausea-inducing, but I had to go and I did my business in her! A week later, I found the knowledge of her location useful as I found myself wandering Nanchang Jie Street at five in the morning after having had drunk too much and being abandoned by a local girl who I had thought was to accompany me home! That second time, feeling lonely and not wanting to wet my pants, I went to "her." I admired the relief she gave me and the fact that she hadn't abandoned me -- I felt an emotional bond then and there. I also started to take in "her" exoticism. Heck! I found myself liking "her" odour. And it carried on from there! One thing leading to another, as it were. Even when I was in a bar with a urinal, I found myself eschewing the short trip for the out-of-the-way trip to "her!"

Ostrowski told the WCE Blog that he had filed an application for a wedding license with the Wuxi China Expatdom Marriage Bureau.

Gabriel Conroy, spokesman for the WCE Marriage Bureau, says he may not be able to grant a wedding license to Ostrowski. "The Public Urinal belongs to the locals, and we would be infringing on their sovereignty if we permitted Ostrowski to marry it." said Conroy in yet another exclusive interview with the WCE Blog.

Ostrowski is the twentieth-second Wuxi Expat to have announced a desire to marry a Wuxi, China Public Washroom. Earlier this year, twenty one members of the Occupy Movement applied, but didn't receive permission to marry the urinals at the Chestnut Pub.

Drinking Associates of Ostrowski say he has threatened suicide if he cannot marry the Public Washroom.

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to permit Human -- Inanimate Object marriage.

The Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force is the exclusive supplier of WCEDVDAS War memorabilia

2012-03-03T04:58:00.001-08:00

WCEDVDAS War memorabilia sales have been brisk now that the two organizations, with the same acronym, have declared war on each other. Karl Malden, commander of the WCEIEF which is the exclusive worldwide supplier of WCEDVDAS War memorabilia, told the WCE Blog that his production staff managed to get official WCEDVDAS War hats, t-shirts, posters, beer mugs, coffee mugs, coasters, helmets, combat boots, fridge magnets, bobble-head dolls, lighters, shoes, underwear and lingerie to the shops in three days after beginning production. "Already we have sold all we have produced and will we be hiring more factory personal for tomorrow's production run." said Malden.

Asked what WCEDVDAS War products have been most popular, Malden said that t-shirts and lingerie bearing an image of Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore between a helmeted Dick Van Dyke and a camouflaged DVD sold out in five minutes after stores opened.

The WCEDVDAS War, itself, got off to a smashing beginning as the two WCEDVDAS navies fought a opening skirmish on Lake Taihu in which they both claimed victory. Neutral observers have agreed that 5 carriers, 1 destroyer and 1 cruiser were sunk, and that 398 aircraft were destroyed in the Battle of Lake Taihu, but have widely disagreed about the numbers lost by each Navy.

On day two of the WCEDVDAS War, there is scheduled to a be a major land battle involving tanks, infantry, artillery and amphibious aircraft carriers at corners of Xueqian and Zhongshan Roads near Wuxi Yaohan, formerly Ba Bai Ban.

The two WCEDVDAS organizations are at war because of a booking conflict involving Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society Harry Moore. Each WCEDVDAS blames the other for the booking conflict which ruined their respective grand conventions held on March 1.

War in the Wuxi China Expatdom!!

2012-03-01T22:14:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore did not speak to either the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society or the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society at seven p.m. on March 1 as he had been scheduled to do.

When it was apparent that Moore wasn't coming, all the attendees at the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society grand convention began to wail in agony. The President of the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society, Donnie Van Digital then declared that a state of war now existed between his WCEDVDAS and the other WCEDVDAS. "The Dick Van Dykers are to blame for this outrage! Harry Moore, as we all know, is above reproach so it stands to reason that it was the other WCEDVDAS that knowingly caused the double booking crisis!" said Van Digital.

When it was apparent that Moore wasn't coming, all the attendees at the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society grand convention began to moan in agony. The President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society, Rip Van Larsen then declared that a state of war existed between his WCEDVDAS and the other WCEDVDAS. "The DVDers are to blame for this outrage! Harry Moore, as we all know, is above reproach so it stands to reason that it was the other WCEDVDAS that knowingly caused the double booking crisis!" said Van Larsen.

Spokes-girl and secretary for WCEFAS President Harry Moore, Miss Moneypenny, at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, told assembled media personnel that she and "dear darling Harry" had in been "close and passionate" consultation about how to resolve the double-booking conflict all March 1. "Gosh! Dear Harry was perfectly dreadful! And so was I! We honestly forgot the matter at hand and decided to play Tarzan and Jane, and later Doctor and Patient! The next thing we knew, it was late in the evening and the moonlight was so wonderful! I remember I poked Tarzan and mentioned he had a lecture to deliver but he told me not to worry. He was such a naughty mountain lion!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President says he will speak to the WCEDVDAS on the evening of March 1.

2012-02-29T20:15:00.002-08:00

Responding to cries and moans from Wuxi Expatdomites begging him to tell them what he was going to do about the WCEDVDAS booking conflict crisis, Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore issued a press release saying he was looking forward to speaking to the WCEDVDAS on the evening of March 1.

The press release didn't resolve the issue since the two organizations that Moore is scheduled to speak tonight, the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society, both share the acronym WCEDVDAS. Long time Harry Moore watcher Andis Kaulins, not be confused with the English Teacher of the same name, or the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association President of the same name, said that either "President Moore was unaware there was a conflict or he was again displaying his calm, virile, sunny and optimistic manner under pressure for which he is famous!"

After the release of the ambiguous statement, millions of media men searched every nook and cranny of the Wuxi China Expatdom hoping to locate President Moore. He was eventually found by CNN at a local Kedi buying tea-leaf eggs and a Snickers bar. When asked about the booking conflict, Moore told CNN that the conflict was the fault of his secretary Miss Moneypenny. "That naughty secretary! Every time I spank her for this, she calls me "Tarzan", her "Big Mountain Lion" and "Harry dear", and you know, I just don't have the heart to spank her in a rough way! I just pat her gently! This afternoon, I will go round to her place -- I like to let her work at her place or mine -- and we will consult, passionately, I mean sternly and seriously, about how to resolve this conflict! She has suggested that I toss a coin! But I don't know where on my person I left my change. Thankfully, Miss Moneypenny says she will help me find it!"

The two WCEDVDAS organizations are both holding their grand convention tonight and both have Harry Moore scheduled as a Keynote Speaker. They have threatened to go to war if Moore speaks to the other organization. Thousands of tanks, amphibious aircraft carriers and infantry have been seen massing on both sides of Xueqian Road in Downtown Wuxi where the organizations are headquartered.

Wuxi Expat from Ontario, Canada doesn't go to work on February 29

2012-02-28T23:29:00.001-08:00

Duston Short, English Teacher and the Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion, didn't go to work on Wednesday, February 29.

"Wednesday, I normally go to work if I am not sick!" said Short, an Ontario Canada Expat who has a reputation for tardiness and absenteeism. "But when I saw I was scheduled to work Wednesday, February 29th, I thought it must be a mistake because everyone knows there are only 28 days in February! And so I stayed in my apartment!"

Officials at the school, where Short is currently employed, say they aren't buying Short's excuse this time and will fine him a day's pay. Short said that he was ill because of this news and may take the rest of the week off to recover.

Clouds of War gathering in the Wuxi China Expatdom?

2012-02-28T05:45:00.001-08:00

As far as the WCE Blog can determine, the March 1 Harry Moore booking conflict between the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society has not been resolved, and the Expatdom is rife with rumors that war between the two organizations which share the same acronym could break as early as March 2.

There have reports of heavy infantry and tank movements, military aircraft flyovers and camouflaged amphibious aircraft carriers parked along Xueqian road where the two organizations both have offices.

In response to the rumors of a WCEDVDAS war, panicky Wuxi Expats have been stocking up on canned foods, DVDs and Tsingtao Beer. As well, the Wuxi China Expatdom religious community has held prayer services for peace at the million churches, mosques, synagogues and temples in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Wuxi Sexpats, in turn, have been extra active with Bar Girls and have set up a sanctuary for them which they say they will keep open whether there is a war or not.

The eyes of the Wuxi China Expatdom will be on Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore the evening of March 1 when he is still scheduled to deliver a lecture to both WCEDVDAS grand conventions at 700 p.m. Unfortunately, the conventions are being held in different parts of the Expatdom making it physically impossible fro President Moore to speak to both organizations at the same time. By only speaking to one, Moore would offend the other of the WCEDVDAS groups and both of them would see it as a casus belli to attack the other WCEDVDAS.

Wuxi Expat wants to marry the Ling Shan Big Buddha

2012-02-28T04:01:00.001-08:00

Henrietta Nabors, a Wuxi Expat from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, wants to marry the Big Buddha at Lingshan near Wuxi, China.

Nabors said it was love at first sight when she laid his eyes on the Big Buddha. "I came to Ling Shan expecting to fall into a tourist trap. Instead I fell in love! Despite what Let's Go says about the Ling Shan Big Buddha, I was instantly entranced! I broke through security because Ihad to fondle, grope and caress all 100 meters of him from the top of his head to the bottom of lotus pedestal on which he stands."

Nabors told the WCE Blog that she had filed an application for a wedding license with the Wuxi China Expatdom Marriage Bureau.

Gabriel Conroy, spokesman for the WCE Marriage Bureau, says he may not be able to grant a wedding license to Nabors. "The Ling Shan Big Buddha belongs to the locals, is a religious shrine and we would be infringing on local sovereignty if we permitted Nabors to marry it." said Conroy in an exclusive interview with the WCE Blog.

Friends of Nabors say she has threatened suicide if she cannot marry her 88m tall Adonis.

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to permit Human -- Inanimate Object marriage.

Wuxi China Expatdom opens world's biggest Martial Arts studio and theme park

2012-02-28T03:25:00.001-08:00

A 10 million square meter Martial Arts studio and theme park has been opened in the Hui Shan District of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"Dragon's Martial Arts Park will have every possible thing to appeal to the serious Martial Arts practitioner looking for a challenge, the Martial Arts fanatic, or the casual fan interested in new experiences!" said owner Bruce Dragon in an exclusive interview with the WCE blog. "We will have Martial Arts coaches, sages and trainers on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 or 366 days a year, including Christmas and Spring Festival to cater to your martial arts training needs! And there isn't a style of Martial Arts you can't learn at Dragon's! We have the Northern and Southern Chinese styles like the northern fist (北拳) or the southern fist (南拳). And you can learn the horse, bow, drop, and dragon stances, whether in the traditional or modern manner!"

"If you don't have time to study, we have professional Martial Arts mercenaries for hire whom you can spar with or whom you can enlist to help you settle your personal scores! And we also have miles and miles of pristine bamboo forest for you to stage martial arts gang battles!"

"And If you are just a martial arts fan, you will need a week to explore all our exhibits and to have lots of yuan to buy our martial arts specialty products and services! Every day we hold a world championship Martial Arts competition. Our Marital Arts museum is the biggest museum in the world. We have every Martial Arts movie ever made playing in our ten thousand screen multiplex cinema. We have an authentic to-scale replica of Hong Kong 1972 where Bruce Lee lived. We have one million authentic Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris look-a-likes for you to pose with and test your Kung-Fu skills. Our library and database contains all ancient and current research and thought about Martial Arts! We have on-site plastic surgeons who can make you look like Bruce Lee, Jackie Chen or Chuck Norris. Our souvenir shop is as big as Ba Bai Ban! And as a special treat, thanks to the our physicists, who are world experts in multi-verse theory, we have all the movies that Bruce Lee would have made if he hadn't died so young!"

On Dragon's Martial Arts Park grand opening night, Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore delivered a special lecture about the films made in this universe and other parallel universes by Bruce Lee. After the lecture, the audience began to dance a new dance: the Kung Fu Prisyakda Hustle to the virtuoso musical renderings and vocalizings of Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio.

Originally from Seattle, Bruce Dragon studied philosophy and Martial Arts, spending lots of time in Hong Kong and Hollywood where he opened prestigious Martial Arts Studios catering to the stars. When he conceived the idea for his enormous Martial Arts Park, he shocked many in the Martial Arts industry by choosing the Wuxi China Expatdom to be the park's site. But Dragon had no doubt in his mind that it was the right thing to do. "There was Bruce Lee! Then there is the Wuxi China Expatdom which has Gorzo the Mighty, Mango, Harry Callahan, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, General Colonel Sanders and Harry Moore -- that's Bruce Lee to the power of seven. The Wuxi China Expatdom is the world capital of Martial Arts!!"

Expats from Ontario, Canada open a restaurant in Wuxi, China

2012-02-27T19:28:00.001-08:00

Monday night, the Short Brothers: Duston and Justin who hail from Etobicoke, Ontario, Canada opened a new restaurant in the Meicun District of Wuxi, China.

Rae's Restaurant, named after a former Ontario provincial premier, will eventually have a menu and utensils. In the meanwhile the Short brothers told the WCE blog that they would encourage Wuxi Expats to take the forty five minute Number 19 Bus ride, from the Wuxi train station south square, out to Rae's and check out the Toronto Maple Leaf and Ottawa Senator hockey team memorabilia that they had on display. "We also tables and chairs where you can sit!" added Duston Short.

Asked about the cuisine they would eventually serve the Short brothers said they would serve Etobicoke cuisine. "When we find a supplier we can trust, we will serve Kraft's Macaroni & Cheese Dinner, Rowntree Aero Chocolate Bars, Captain Crunch cereal for breakfast, Maxwell House instant chocolate flavored coffee and cola served in your choice of can or plastic bottle!"

"We also have a toilet you can sit down on!" said the Short brothers in unison.

Wuxi China Expatdom King sick of Europeans phoning him and asking for money

2012-02-27T19:06:00.001-08:00

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, says he has to keep changing his phone number because European leaders and finance ministers, panicking about the Euro, won't leave him alone.

"They keep telling me that I am their only hope!" said the Monarch, eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep. "I told them their crisis serves them right for thinking they were immune to the laws of economics and thinking they didn't have to work so hard and could just leach off the Americans! I was willing to give the Greeks a loan, even a gift bail-out, but they weren't willing to change their lifestyles one iota!"

King Gorzo the Mighty said he now won't even consider giving them a loan with stringent conditions because the Eurocrats then went too far. "When they couldn't reach me one night, because I changed my number, they began to phone my wife Ayira's number. That was just unforgivable!"

Over 1,000 Chimpanzees to be let go in the Wuxi China Expatdom

2012-02-27T04:48:00.001-08:00

Prefabricated's Prefabricated Wooden Homes announced that they will let its entire staff of 1,000 chimpanzees go.

Pete Prefabricated, long-time Wuxi Expat and owner of Prefabricated's Prefabricated Wooden Homes, said his decision to hire over 1,000 chimpanzees to work in a his Prefabricated Wooden Home factory in the Wuxi New District was a big mistake. "I have always taken pride the in high quality and slightly lower prices of our products, but I wanted to do better. I wanted our prices to be substantially lower! The only way to do this, I thought, was to hire Chimpanzees who would work long hours for peanuts and bananas! But I am afraid they work was of substandard quality and almost as bad as the work I had done when I hired some Ontario, Canada Expats for a month!"

Prefabricated told the WCE blog that each chimpanzee would get three month's supply of bananas for severance pay and a bus ride to the Wildlife Safari Park in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad launches Operation Hephaestion 2

2012-02-26T22:40:00.001-08:00

Officer McNulty, acting chief inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police, (the WCERMP) announced the launch of Operation Hephaestion 2 which will try to rid Wuxi China Expatdom speech of pretentious French phrases and words. The first Operation Hephaestion had been a tremendous success in correcting the bad grammar of WCE English teachers.

McNulty announced at the operation's launch on the grounds of Richilieu's Castings, a French company with a plant in the Wuxi New District. As he spoke from his podium set up on the plant's front lawn, many moaning and beaten French engineers could be seen in the background, sprawled on the grounds, floating in the nearby canal, and strewn on nearby roofs and trees. When it was pointed out to the McNulty that the beaten Frenchmen were speaking their native tongue, McNulty said to think of how they could only get Al Capone for tax evasion. "Who doesn't deserve to sample my personal idiosyncratic and euiponderant brand of justice more than a Frenchman!" asserted McNulty.

McNulty then told the assembled media that a million WCERMP officers would be involved in Operation Hephaestion 2 , and that he had also received commitments from the Wuxi China Expatdom Armed Forces for assistance in the crackdown on pretentious French words and phrases. Said McNulty: "Beside the million police officers, General Colonel Harlan Sanders of the WCE Land Force has pledged armor and artillery assistance: WCERAF Air Marshall Gregory Peck says his ten thousand bombers will be on the highest alert for as long as it takes us to rid the Expatdom of pretentious French speaking; and WCERN Admiral Lloyd Bridges has told me that if need be, we can use his aircraft carriers and that the 200m cannons of his battleships can easily rain down fire on anyone using pretentious French phraseology where ever they may be in the Expatdom!"

Officer McNulty told the WCE Blog that he was inspired by Harry Moore, the WCE's Minister of Colonies, who had set-out on a crusade to eradicate all French movies in the Wuxi China Expatdom. "I agree with President Moore's contention that French movies have a bad influence on personal character of Wuxi Expats and on the beauty of standard English spoken correctly!"

Five year old Atlanta, Georgia boy wants to be a Wuxi Expat when he grows up

2012-02-26T21:40:00.001-08:00

Five year old Bobby Tewilliger, a primary school student at Bethune Elementary School in Atlanta, Georgia, already knows what he wants to be when he grows up. He wants to be a Wuxi Expat like his heroes Harry Moore, Lloyd Bridges, Harry Callahan, Gregory Peck, Colonel Harlan Sander, Mango and Gorzo the Mighty.

Tewilliger's home room teacher Miss Wilkinson says Tewilliger is already his own man and rules the Bethune Elementary playground. "Bobby is a preternatural polymath. He already runs a ten million dollar a year plumbing contracting business, written three novels, gotten five female students and four of his teachers pregnant, pitched a no-hitter for the Atlanta Braves baseball team, discovered material that can be a super conductor at room temperature, and designed and manufactured an amphibious main battle tank that can be driven two miles under the ocean's surface. When he walks the playground sporting a monocle, wearing a Gorzo the Mighty t-shirt, carrying a copy of the Poolside Harry Moore and performing the Prisyadka dance, the girls swoon and all the boys bend their head down reverentially in admiration!"

Tewilliger told the WCE Blog that before he heard about the Wuxi China Expatdom that he was just a run-of-the-mill toddler who liked to watch Dora the Explorer, pick his nose, scratch his bum and drink too much coca-cola. "But when I read and heard about Gorzo the Mighty, Archduke Harry Moore's many great accomplishments and his novel the Poolside Harry Moore, the revolution that brought down the Ayatollah of Mordor, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy commanded by Admiral Lloyd Bridges; the music of Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio, and Wonder Woman; I realized that there was more to life and that a Wuxi Expat was what I had to be!" said Tewilliger, who says he is saying money from his plumbing contracting business to buy an airplane ticket to the WCE.

Wuxi China Expatdom Amphibious Aircraft Carrier WCERN Basil Rathbone breaks world land speed record

2012-02-25T05:45:00.001-08:00

Saturday, at the Tianyi Salt Flats of Wuxi, China, a new world land speed was set.

With Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges at the helm, the WCERN Amphibious Aircraft Carrier Basil Rathbone achieved a land speed of 1500 km/h easily exceeding the previous land speed record of 1228 km/h set by the ThrustSSC Super Sonic Car in 1997.

The record was surprising since on water, the 150,00 ton WCERN Basil Rathbone's top speed was 70 knots.

For Admiral Bridges, the setting of the land speed record was sweet vindication. "They thought I was nuts when I first proposed the building of amphibious aircraft carriers. The critics scoffed and said that amphibious aircraft carriers were too cumbersome to ever travel overland. They didn't understand just how revolutionary was my super sonic nuclear motor technology and the quantum friction-reducing metal which I placed on the WCERN Basil Rathbone's keel!"

After setting the land speed record, the crew of the WCERN Basil Rathbone could be seen Prisyadka dancing on the deck. Archduke Harry Moore, one of the first to back Admiral Bridges amphibious aircraft carrier idea, was permitted to join the crew as they danced on the deck. Admiral Bridges then made Archduke Moore an honorary WCERN Admiral and presented him with the keys to the ship.

Shock Expose': "Harry Moore Secretly Having Cybersex Tryst With French Gargoyle Sculpting!"

2012-02-25T05:28:00.008-08:00

A team of investigative journalists has published startling revelations that Harry Moore has been having a clandestine and torrid Net romance with the sculpting of a French gargoyle.

The gargoyle's identity has not yet been disclosed, however it perches on the
Notre Dame de Paris, at a height of around 8,888 metres.

The journalists have learnt that Harry Moore's passions have been directed
at the sculpting process of the gargoyle.

Harry Moore isn't in a position to comment on these claims at present, however
the luscious gargoyle-sculpting has been more forthcoming. Asked if it had any comments to make, it responded: " ", but " ", and that "
".

Wuxi Expat wants to marry the Hongdou Building

2012-02-24T19:41:00.003-08:00

Tex Schram a Wuxi Expat from the U.S.A., has fallen in love with Wuxi's Hongdou Building, and wants to marry it.

Schram, a businessman, says it was love at first sight for him when he first laid his eyes on the 814 foot tall building in 2011. "Since then, I have been able to fondle, kiss, grope and caress all her 48 floors and her 136,218 square meters of floor space. I have run my toes over her glass, steel and concrete. It is my dream to one day be able to straddle her 92 foot tall spire." said Schram.

Schram told the WCE Blog that he had filed an application for a wedding license with the Wuxi China Expatdom Marriage Bureau.

Gabriel Conroy, spokesman for the WCE Marriage Bureau, says he may not be able to grant a wedding license to Schram. "The Hongdou Building belongs to the locals, and we would be infringing on their sovereignty if we permitted Schram to marry it." said Conroy in an exclusive interview with the WCE Blog.

Schram is the second Wuxi Expat to have announced a desire to marry a Wuxi, China skyscraper. Earlier this week, Irishmen Michael Furey announced his plans to marry the Moresky 360 Building.

Drinking Associates of Schram say he has threatened suicide if he cannot marry his dear, dear Hongdou.

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to permit Human -- Inanimate Object marriage.

Prisyadka Dancing Craze in the Wuxi China Expatdom claims its first victims

2012-02-23T20:35:00.002-08:00

Thursday evening, twenty Wuxi Expats, from Ontario, Canada, were injured when they tried to perform the Prisyadka Dance, the traditional Russian squat kicking dance. Millions of Wuxi Expats had been performing the dance after it had been done in the celebrations that followed Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore's lecture at Ford's Theater in Washington D.C.

Acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Officer McNulty provided details of what might have happened to a packed press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China. "To be honest," said McNulty, "we don't know what exactly the Ontario Expats were trying to do! Many of them had black eyes and broken noses from being kicked in the face. Many of them fell in the canal behind Dangle's Participle, so we suspect that they were trying to perform the dance on a pier with no fence. Two of them managed to get run over by car traffic. Three of them went to the bathroom, tried to do the dance there and so were clobbered by other patrons. A few of them accidently swallowed their monocles which they tried to wear as they performed the dance. Many of the others have to go get their monocles surgically removed from intimate parts of their bodies. And we don't think we will ever find out how Duston Short managed to swallow a football, four pairs of traditional Russian Prisyadka dancing slippers and his twin brother Justin's watch -- it may well be that these swallowings were unrelated to the dancing incident!"

McNulty then said that he would canvass the WCE parliament and ask them to make laws regulating Prisyadka Dancing and Monocle Wearing. "I think that one should have a license before attempting to Prisyadka dance and wear monocles at the same time!"

The newly-formed Wuxi China Expatdom Monocle Wearers Society (WCEMWS) and Wuxi China Expatdom Prisyadka Dancers Association (WCEPDA), after hearing McNulty's comments quickly issued a joint press release saying that regulation and laws were unnecessary. "Millions of Wuxi Expats have been able to enjoy Prisyadka Dancing and wear monocles without doing harm to anyone. Why should we let a stupid minority of Ontarians ruin it for everyone? This group of Ontarians previously got lost walking home, got all their heads stuck in cupboards, and had to be hospitalized because they drank Chestnut Pub toilet water. You cannot make laws against stupidity so why trample on the freedoms that Wuxi Expats currently enjoy by bringing in an evil centrally-concentrated bureaucratic infrastructure?"

Rain and Alcohol make Wuxi Expat think he is back in England

2012-02-23T18:40:00.002-08:00

Monty Byng, an English English Teacher living in the Wuxi China Expatdom, thinks that he is back in England in a really big China town. "The skies are gloomy, the streets are wet, there are lots of Chinese takeaways and alas, I can't find my wellingtons. I must have left them down around my local pub! lamented Byng to the WCE Blog interviewer whom he then asked how the flight from Shanghai to his native Lincolnshire had been.

Byng's true local is Dangle's Participle, the pub for English Teachers, located on Wuxi China's Nanchang Jie Bar Street. Sammy Dangle, owner of Dangle's Participle, told the WCE Blog that Byng has been the Pub's best customer during the recent spell of rain and does seem to have lost some of his senses. "At closing time, I have to pick him up off the floor and put him in a cab! He insists that his mum is going to pick him up so there is so need, but we do know better!" said Dangle who denied he was taking advantage of Byng's alcoholism and then stated that Byng was never all there to begin with.

Thousands and Thousands of Prisyadka Dancers gather at Wuxi China Airport

2012-02-23T01:29:00.001-08:00

Thousands of Prisyadka-dancing Expats converged on the Wuxi Airport in the Shuo Feng District of Wuxi, China to greet Archduke and President Harry Moore whose plane returned from a triumphal tour of Sarajevo and Washington D.C.

The Prisyadka-dancing Expats formed three rings of humanity around the airport. When Moore's plane landed, the Prisyadka-dancing Expats, from squat positions kicked their feet higher in the air than they had ever done before.

Moore, still dressed in the impeccably tailored blazer, slacks, perfectly tied cravat and fedora, that he wore at Ford's Theater, received loud applause when he appeared before the welcoming throngs.

The cheers turned to screams of adulation when after performing some of his Fred Astaire inspired dance moves, Moore threw off his fedora and blazer and began to dance the Prisyadka himself.

Moore and welcoming Expats then danced the Prisyadka all the night and all the way from Shuo Feng to the Nan Chang Temple Market where Moore has a small one thousand square meter apartment. The staff employed, in the million vehicle motorcade that was to take him there, were instead able to get off work early at full pay.

Wuxi Expat wants to marry the Moresky 360 Building

2012-02-22T22:27:00.002-08:00

Michael Furey, a Wuxi Expat from Ireland, has fallen in love with Wuxi's Moresky 360 Building, and wants to marry it.

Furey, an English Teacher working at English Fungus School, says it was love at first sight for him when he first laid his eyes on the 209m tall building in 2010. "Since then, I have been able to fondle, kiss, grope and caress all her 48 floors. It is my dream to one day be able to straddle her 29m tall spire." said Furey.

Furey told the WCE Blog that he had filed an application for a wedding license with the Wuxi China Expatdom Marriage Bureau.

Gabriel Conroy, spokesman for the WCE Marriage Bureau, says he may not be able to grant a wedding license to Furey. "The Moresky 360 Building belongs to the locals, and we would be infringing on their sovereignty if we permitted Furey to marry it." said Conroy in an exclusive interview with the WCE Blog.

Drinking Mates of Furey say he has threatened suicide if he cannot marry his dear, dear Moresky.

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to permit Human -- Inanimate Object marriage.

Prisyadka Dancing Craze Sweeps the Wuxi China Expatdom

2012-02-22T21:46:00.001-08:00

Thursday, Wuxi China locals, with bemusement, looked upon a group of lense-less Monocled Wuxi Expats, arm-in-arm doing a Prisyadka Dance at People's Square near Qingyang Road. Prisyadka dancing is a traditional Russian dance where dancers kick upwards from a squat position.

The Dance craze came to Wuxi as a result of Russians doing the dance during celebrations that took after Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore's lecture, delivered at Ford's Theater in Washington D.C., about cinematic depictions of the U.S. Civil War. Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China has set up a special Prisyadka Dance Room. Already, Wuxi Expats have formed a Prisyadka arm-in-arm dance line spanning one end of Nanchang Jie Bar Street to the other.

Observers of WCEFAS President Harry Moore's lectures speculate that the Prisyadka Dance could replace the conga lines which have been the traditional method of celebrating Moore's orations.

Moore's lectures have resulted in conga lines, millions of people and miles long. Wuxi China Expats now hope to break the world record for the widest arm-in-arm Prisyadka group dance which is 3,789 set after a speech by Boris Yeltsin to the Russian Duma in the 1990s. Prime Minister of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Mango thinks that Wuxi Expats can easily reach the one million Prisyadka participant width in the next few weeks.

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's speech and dance performance converts potential assassins into fans.

2012-02-22T07:25:00.002-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society (WCEFAS) President Harry Moore wasn't preaching to the converted when he stepped up to the podium to deliver a lecture about Cinematic depictions of the U.S. Civil War, after the opening-night screening of the film My American Cousin at the Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C., U.S.A.

In fact, as Moore sat in the Presidential Box of Ford's Theater watching the film, thousands of members of the John Wilkes Booth Wing of the Quentin Tarantino faction of the WCEFAS, who had bought all the tickets for the screening and as well, had infiltrated the Theater's entire staff, all fired Philadelphia Derringer Pistols, many modified to fire automatic rounds of considerable caliber, at Moore.

All the shots missed, and Moore's divine locks of dark, virile hair weren't disheveled in the least. The assassins resumed watching the film and readied for their next move, which was to attack President Moore with daggers as he delivered his after-film lecture.

But their plans were thwarted by Moore's impeccable manner of dress, and his god-given oratory and dancing skills. Before Moore made his speech, his golden smile which reflected a sunny Reagan-like optimism, and his dress featuring impeccably tailored blazer and slacks that were finished off with a perfectly tied cravat and fedora, made even the most hard-boiled of the assassins look at him with open-mouthed admiration. When he spoke, the would-be assassins went into raptures because of the sweet sound of his oratory, and dropped their daggers. And when Moore began to accompany his oratory with the up-to-date and graceful dance moves of Fred Astaire, the assassins became fans. At the conclusion of Moore's speech, the crowd, which had only an hour earlier wanted to see him dead, formed a conga line of celebration and danced for hours.

Russians, who were part of the assassination plot, introduced a new element into the post Harry Moore Speech celebration. Hundreds of them, arm-in-arm, performed the Prisyadka, the famous Russian squat-kick dance. Not since the time of Peter the Great, had so many of them done the Prisyadka at the same time.

WCEFAS President Moore will return to the Wuxi China Expatdom where he has to sort out a booking conflict with the two WCEDVDAS organizations. The two organizations with the same acronym have threatened to go to war because of it.

Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society says Nuclear Programme built for peaceful purposes

2012-02-21T07:31:00.001-08:00

Spokesman for the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society, Mahmoud Safari said that their nuclear programme was for peaceful purposes and that allegations, made by the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society, that they were building Nuclear Weapons were "utterly false." They further asserted that the right to nuclear energy was their undisputable right and that the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society had better not use lies, political pressure or military pressure to stop them from their lawful right.

Asked why an organization that meet bi-weekly to discuss DVDs should have a nuclear programme, Safari said the energy needs of the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke were more than what the uninitiated might be lead to expect.

Asked about rhetoric coming from certain quarters of the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society that they should destroy the Dick Van Dykers; that the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society should be wiped off the map; that the false WCEDVDAS should be wiped from the page of time; and that the Dick Van Dykers were Germs; Safari said that rhetoric was hyperbolic and nothing more. "Given the tension," added Safari, "that exists between us, the pure and the good WCEDVDAS, and the other WCEDVDAS which eats babies, tries to steal our Harry Moore Appearance, worships the Devil and the former King of Wuxi, and wants to enslave us and assault our daughters in beastly fashion, our fine and decent members can be forgiven for a itsy-bitsy tiny modicum of intemperate talk!"

Tension between the two appreciation societies, which share the same acronym: WCEDVDAS, has been at a critical level since it was discovered that a booking conflict existed where Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore was scheduled to speak at both of their grand conventions at the same time and date.

U.S. announces 6.4 billion dollar arms deal with Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society

2012-02-21T04:35:00.001-08:00

The Obama administration unveiled a $6.4 billion arms deal with the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society on Tuesday -- including about $2.85 billion in missiles.

The sale includes 60 Black Hawk helicopters (totaling $3.1 billion), 114 advanced Patriot air defense missiles; a pair of Osprey mine-hunting ships; and dozens of advanced communications systems.

The Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society has complained to the United States about the sale of Patriot missiles and other weapons to the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society, which it says is simply an appreciation organization that shouldn't have any military aspirations.

Spokesmen for the Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society,for their part, say they have the right of self-defense and to assert their rights just like any other free individuals, organizations or nations.

Tensions between the two Wuxi China Expatdom Appreciation Societies, which share the same acronym : WCEDVDAS, have increased since both groups booked Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore to speak at their grand conventions at the same time and date resulting in what seems to be a conflict that could lead to bloodshed.

Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke doesn't wear Monocles -- prefers to bear himself with the aristocratic elegance and grace of Fred Astaire

2012-02-19T07:09:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore says he will have nothing to do with what he has labelled as the imbecilic fashion of wearing lense-less monocles.

"Everything, we wear, including accessories should have an ostensible purpose. I think it is rather daft to wear a monocle with no lenses!" said Moore, as he was dressed, in impeccably tailored blazer and slacks that were finished off with a perfectly tied cravat and fedora, for his appearance at the premiere of the film My American Cousin at Ford's Theater in Washington D.C.

Asked who his fashion icon was, the Archduke said Fred Astaire. "Astaire dressed like a man should dress. He was he epitome of sartorial style! The perfect aristocrat. You never had the impression he was trying to lord it over on others. He was the guy next door, except he had grace coming out of every single pore and crevice of his body!"

Many Wuxi Expats are now wearing Lense-less Monocles

2012-02-18T21:45:00.001-08:00

Not to be undone by the young local females who are wearing lense-less eye glass frames to make their eyes appear bigger, many Wuxi Expats are wearing lense-less monocles in hopes of gaining respect from the locals, all of whom are said to respect age.

"I hated it when locals told me I acted like a 25 year old!" says English Teacher Andis Kaulins (not be confused with President Andis Kaulins of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the other Andis Kaulins who is the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association) who is 48 years old. "Now, wearing my monocle in class, the students treat me like a senior. No more, do any of them say I under thirty!"

The only complaint ET Kaulins has about wearing a monocle is that always falls into the ground when he runs to catch a bus.

The Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Duston Short is wearing a monocle and a top hat as well. "I have fooled many locals into thinking I am a millionaire because with my short squat frame, top hat and monocles, I look like an old-fashioned capitalist!"

More well-heeled Wuxi Expats are wearing golden pocket watches chained to their pockets to accompany the top hat and monocle. Niels Bohr says that he has had three piece-suits custom-made for him on Houxixi street to complete his monocled look.

German Expat Baron Von Richter Smichter Merkel Strum says he is happy to see monocles back in fashion. "All de little local young strudel really likes me now!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Monocle Manufacturers say orders for monocles more than they have the capacity to handle. Warren Allyoucaneat, president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Monocle Company, says his company is planning to build a ten kilometer square monocle manufacturing facility to keep up with the demand.

Personal Trainer offers services to Wuxi Expats

2012-02-17T20:45:00.001-08:00

Vince George S. Patton Lombardi, Personal Trainer, has come to the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"Whether you need to raise your self-esteem, i.e. become a man; improve your performance at work, i.e stop screwing the dog; improve your golf swing; control your temper -- although if you are righteous, I don't see the need; improve your posture; succeed in business or warfare; or perform better in the sack, i.e. keep your wife happy; VGSPL Personal Trainer Services is the only self-improvement service you will ever need! Think of VGSPL as your personal boutique sergeant-major. You will learn to hate us but you will love the results!" said Lombardi, who added that VGSPL's approach to personal-training was old-school.

Asked if he saw potential in the Wuxi China Expatdom, which by any standards, was the greatest jurisdiction in human history for economic, intellectual, scientific, spiritual, sporting, philosophical and artistic achievement, Lombardi said that the achievements of the WCE could be attributed to a very small elite minority. "Of course this group; consisting of Gorzo the Mighty, Alfred Lord McClusky, Harry Callahan, Harry Moore, Lloyd Bridges, Gregory Peck, Mango, Ayira: the Chosen One, the sportsmen Rabbis and Colonel Harlan Sanders; is the greatest collection of humanity ever, but that doesn't mean there is no room for self-improvement among the rest of the Wuxi Expats. I understand that there are in the WCE, groups of Expats from Ontario, Canada; as well as English teachers and Sexpats who could all use a good and swift kick in the ass!" said Lombardi.

Lombardi praised the Wuxi China Expatdom, saying it was enlightened in that it saw the wisdom of things from the past that are currently considered unenlightened. "In the Wuxi China Expatdom, they are free to paddle and righteously punish those who are lazy and immoral. And I can practice my favorite training technique which is to make my clients dig a hole as fast as they can, or else have a super-tank run them over. That teaches concentration of the mind like nothing else! And when we have our to-the-death gladiator competitions before graduation, there is none of this not-keeping-score baloney!"

VGPSL will open its training center at the corner of Xueqian and Zhonghan Roads on February 21.

World Leaders express concern over Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's Double-Booking

2012-02-17T02:47:00.001-08:00

Leaders, the world over, whether democratically elected or dictators, have expressed concern over Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore's double-booking conflict. The WCEFAS President had been booked to be speak at two WCEDVDAS conventions at seven p.m. on March 1. The booking conflict occurred because the two organizations, the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society share the same acronym. World Leaders have offered President Moore varying advice about what to do.

Kim Jung Un, North Korea leader, issued a declaration stating that President Moore should address the Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society Convention. Un said his father, the great leader King Jung Il, loved nothing more, than when he wasn't doing his dictatoring job, to throw up his feet and watch episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show.

U.S. President Obama blamed the double-booking conflict on the Bush Administration. He said that the solution was for everyone to work together under the auspices of centrally-bureaucratized government to find common ground. "What folks need and want is for everyone to move beyond their differences and work together. This calls for political leadership with vision. Everyone can't just avoid paying taxes. They must paid their fair share! I will not rest until some solution satisfying to everyone is found by me!" said Obama.

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden said that President Moore should just go to both conventions at the same time. Asked if he was more of a DVD fancier or a Dick Van Dyke fan, Biden said he liked watching t.v. on Betamax.

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that President Moore should address the WCEDVDAS that had less Jews in it.

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard said she wished President Moore would cancel both speaking engagements and come over to her place that evening.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that President Moore should toss a coin.

Pope Benedict XVI said President Moore should pray for guidance.

The minority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, also expressed a desire that President Moore cancel both engagements and come over to her place that evening.

Hugo Chavez, dictator of Venezuela, said President Moore should address the WCEDVDAS that had less Americans in it.

WCEFAS President Moore, who is in Washington D.C. to attend a film premiere at Ford's Theater, was unavailable for comment.

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Double-Booked

2012-02-16T01:15:00.001-08:00

When he returns, hopefully alive, from his visit to Ford's Theater in Washington D.C., Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore will have a booking conflict to deal with.

President Moore had agreed to deliver to a lecture on film to the WCEDVDAS. Unfortunately, he wasn't aware that there two organizations in the Wuxi China Expatdom sharing the acronyms WCEDVDAS: The Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the The Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society. Both of these organizations sent letters to the WCEFAS head office requesting President Moore deliver keynote speeches to their grand convention on March 1 at seven p.m.

President Moore, for his part, said he thought it was funny, at the time, that his secretary Miss Moneypenny confirmed with him twice that he agreed to make a speech to the WCEDVDAS at the specified date and time. But he then forgot about it.

The conflict wasn't noticed till it was pointed out that there were two advertising campaigns, costing over a billion dollars each, proclaiming President Moore's scheduled appearance at the same time, but at different places.

For all members of both these organizations listening to a live speech by President Moore would be the greatest moments of their lives, and so many of them spent their life-savings to be present at the specified date and time before the conflict was discovered.

President Moore blamed the conflict on Miss Moneypenny and told the WCE Blog that he would spank his secretary when he arrived back at the WCE.

When asked what he would do about the conflict, President Moore said he was stumped because he really didn't want to disappoint anyone. He also expressed a wish that the conspiracy theory saying there were several Harry Moores in the WCE was true.

Members of the two organizations said that President Moore was a saint among men, and so open warfare between the two WCEDVDAS's was probably going to be the only way to resolve the conflict.

Acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad raises questions about Mexicans

2012-02-16T00:23:00.001-08:00

Officer McNulty, acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad expressed concern to the WCE Blog about talk of Mexicans in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Officer McNulty said that he was all for actual Mexicans being in the WCE and that some of his best friends were actual Mexicans. He however wished that actual Wuxi Mexpats wore badges saying they were Mexicans so as not to become victims of police brutality meant for English Teachers with bad grammar.

Officer McNulty said his chief concern with the talk of actual Mexicans in the WCE was with the use of the word actual. "If there are actual Mexicans in the WCE, that must mean that are fake or faux Mexpats in the WCE. Now, I say again, I am all for actual anythings of any race, nationality, or religion living in the WCE; but if I catch someone pretending to be a nationality he is not, I will be forced to give him the benefit of my idiosyncratic form of divine equiponderant justice! I hate fakery and fauxishness!"

Officer McNulty concluded the interview by apologizing to Archduke Harry Moore for using a French word in the interview. "Pretentious of me! I know! Forgive me Harry!" said McNulty.

Bombs thrown and Guns fired at Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's motorcade in Sarajevo

2012-02-15T21:09:00.001-08:00

Despite several assassination attempts, Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore's visit to the Sarajevo Bosnia and Herzegovina Expatdom Colony was considered an astounding success.

President Moore, who is a Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke, toured the SB&H Expatdom alongside his host Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg, in a Gräf & Stift open sports car, with its top folded down. Sometimes during the tour, several bombs of various explosive capabilities, from old-fashioned hand-held to atomic weapons, were directed toward the Gräf & Stift open sports car. President Moore was able to ward off the many projectiles and bombs, directed his way, with graceful ease. "You going to have a hard time throwing bombs at a man whose classmates in Kung Fu and Jujitsu School included our current Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Lloyd Bridges, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Forces Commander General Colonel Sanders, Chuck Norris, Pierce Broslund, George S. Patton, Bruce Lee, Steve McQueen and Jackie Chen!" declared President Moore, who had already appeared to have forgotten the incident when asked about it.

Afterwards, WCEFAS President Harry Moore's film talk about the Cinema and World War One, held at the Sarajevo Bosnia and Herzegovina Expatdom Colony Town Hall was received with much adulation The ten million who attended the speech afterwards celebrated by forming the longest conga party line in European history, or at least since the Diet of Worms.

After the speech, the motorcade got lost on the way to the airport. Making a left turn instead of a right turn, the motorcade drove right past Schiller's delicatessen where a meeting of the Gavrilo Princip wing of the Quentin Tarantino faction of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society was just breaking up. The driver, when realizing the mistake, popped the clutch. Seeing President Moore in the stalled Gräf & Stift open sports car, all four hundred of the Principates pulled our their 9x17mm pistols and fired at Moore, but thankfully missed. They did however mess the WCEFAS President's hair causing the U.N. General Assembly to hold an emergency meeting to express its concern.

President Moore was eventually able to make it to the airport to catch his flight to Washington D.C. where he is scheduled to attend the first screening of the film My American Cousin at Ford's Theatre. Worries have been raised about another assassination attempt on President Moore when he goes to the Ford Theater. It was there in 1865 that John Wilkes Booth assassinated President Lincoln. Many have expressed concern that Moore would attend the screening sponsored by the John Wilkes Booth Wing of the Quentin Tarantino Faction of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society.

There are actual Mexicans in the Wuxi China Expatdom!

2012-02-15T05:45:00.001-08:00

John Diefenbaker, Wuxi Expat English teacher, was surprised to learn that there were actual Mexicans living in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

When told so but a fellow English teacher who said he had lots of Mexpat friends in Wuxi, Diefenbaker asked what they did. He was told that they did this and that.

President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Actual Mexican Expats Association, Manuel Gonzalez, when hearing of Diefenbaker's questions, was compelled to have a press conference at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of the Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District. Said WCEAMEA Presidente Gonzalez "Si! Senor Diefenbaker! There are many of us Mexpats in the Wuxi China Expatdom! And we don't need no stinking badges to indicate to others that we are proud Mexpatians! When you see a man wearing an sombrero asleep at Li Hu Park, you know you are seeing a Mexpat!"

Wuxi China Expatdom's Minister Of Colonies Bans French Cinema Smut

2012-02-15T00:30:00.000-08:00

Harry Moore, the WCE's Minister of Colonies, has set-out on a crusade
to eradicate all French movies. He said that his campaign would only take-place in the Expatdom's colonies. "I've no jurisdiction here in the Wuxi China Expatdom as regards what Expats want to watch at the cinema, but there'll be no more French
movies allowed in the Colonies".

"Let me make it clear though", he said, "I've got nothing against the French as-such. They are probably good people. But they can't play cricket; their cars are ugly old clunkers; their food is inedible, and, as for their movies - it behooves me to call it 'cinema', 100% depravity!".

"Sir David Lean never resorted to cheap, disgusting screenplays. French movies are riddled with it. In the WCE's Colonies, I'm allowing a period of grace for Expats to hand-in any French dvds or videotapes. After that, there'll be no mercy!".

Harry Moore said that any film directed by Francois Truffaut will be at the top of his hate-list. "And", he continued, "the following so-called
actors are in my sights: - Bridgitte Bardot, Gerard Depardieu, Yves St Laurent,
and Alain Delon". "French movies on DVD will be boxed and shipped back to Paris".

Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, expressed suprise at the ferocity of Harry Moore's anti-French wrath. "Whilst I agree in principle with the Minister of Colonies, I don't think that Maurice Chevalier is a corrupting influence on the youth of the Expatdom. Except that he couldn't sing properly".

"No, not much of a crooner", said Harry Moore, "I mean, what on earth
does 'sank 'eavens' mean anyway?".

One million Wuxi Expats get married on Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T16:50:00.003-08:00

Valentine's Day 2012 in the Wuxi China Expatdom saw a record one million Wuxi Expats marry inanimate objects. The Wuxi China Expatdom became the only jurisdiction in the world to permit humans to marry inanimate objects. And given the fact that the Expatdom has increased dramatically in size because it has had many other jurisdictions become WCE colonies, it was only natural that Valentine's Day 2012 would see the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding Chapel annex of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District swamped with humans wanting to marry their favorite things.

Frank Minkleman, manager of the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding Chapel, said that the demands to be married on Valentine's Day became so overwhelming that the Chapel could only marry humans and small objects. "Pens, Ipads, books fine! Buildings, Tanks, Aircraft Carriers, and true-to-scale elephant statues were out of the question on V-day!" added Minkleman.

Many Wuxi Expats married their Ipads, Ipods, Iphones and Android smart phones. But the most popular objects of matrimony for them on February14th were autographed copies of the Poolside Harry Moore Novel and Portfolio. One Expat, conspiracy theorist author Jim Garrison married a copy of his book: The isn't just one Harry Moore

One million Wuxi Expats get married on Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T16:50:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day 2012 in the Wuxi China Expatdom saw a record one million Wuxi Expats marry inanimate objects. The Wuxi China Expatdom became the only jurisdiction in the world to permit humans to marry inanimate objects. And given the fact that the Expatdom has increased dramatically in size because it had many other jurisdictions join it as WCE colonies, it was only natural that Valentine's Day 2012 would see the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding Chapel annex of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District swamped with humans wanting to marry their favorite things.

Sarajevo Bosnia & Herzegovina Expatdom is officially a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom!

2012-02-13T19:36:00.001-08:00

Europe, in the doldrums because of problems with its currency and its demographic decline, could turn it around now that it can boast it is part of the Wuxi China Expatdom!

WCE Archduke Harry Moore officially conferred status on the SB&H Expatdom today in ceremony held at the Sarajevo Town Hall before a crowd of ten million SB&H Expats and locals. In the ceremony, His Archdukeness presented the SB&H delegation that had come to the WCE to apply for colonial status, thousands of portraits of WCE King Gorzo the Mighty to place in all rooms in the SB&H Expatdom. The SB&H colonial delegation then pretended to do a ceremonial kow-tow to the Archduke which the Archduke ceremonially and magnanimously refused. The flag of the WCE Expatdom with the flag SB&H Expatdom directly beneath was then raised up a flagpole, after which the anthems of the WCE and the SB&H Expatdoms were sung.

The leader of the SB&H Expatdom, Valentine Clementine, told the WCE Blog that he was proud of his Expatdom becoming the first part of Europe to join, as a colony, the WCE. "Just think! The great European nations, and the weaker ones too, will have a way of getting out of the EU! They can become WCE colonies as well!" said Clementine. "Under the genius administration of the Minister of Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies, Archduke Harry Moore how could they go wrong?!?"

After the ceremony, Harry Moore took off his archduke and minister clothing, and assumed his role as the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President for his tour around Sarajevo. "President" Moore and his host Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg, then boarded a Gräf & Stift open sports car, with its top folded down. The sports car will take Moore and his hostess, whom he described as "deliciously attractive," on a tour of the historical parts of Sarajevo

Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke's plane successfully lands at the Sarajevo Airport

2012-02-12T22:25:00.001-08:00

For the second time, but in a different part of the world, airport authorities were forced to bring out the fire hoses and clear an overenthusiastic crowd off the tarmac in order to give landing space to a plane carrying Harry Moore, who among his many titles, is the Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies, the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, an Archduke and adopted member of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Family, a two-time inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, a Super Bowl Champion team and a World Cup Soccer Championship team.

The airport, this time, was the Sarajevo International Airport , known to the locals as Medjunarodni Aerodrom Sarajevo, where Archduke Moore was making an royal visit to officially confer Wuxi China Expatdom colonial status on the Expatdom of Sarajevo Bosnia & Herzegovina. An estimated 400 million SB&H locals and Expats came to the Airport to greet the Archduke. The crowd unfortunately took up every inch of space in the Airport and were sitting on the landing strip in hopes of being run over by the plane carrying Moore. Bob Butmir, manager of the Airport, told WCE Blogspot that the crowds thought Harry Moore had some kind of special power to land a plane on crowds without hurting them. "Telling them that Harry Moore wasn't really a god, but just a better-than-average mortal man blessed with great oratorical and administrative skills, as well as a resplendent virility, didn't change their minds! So fire hoses, it had to be!" said Butmir.

When Moore's plane finally landed and the Archduke was able to get off the plane, millions in the crowd fainted at the resplendence of his black locks of hair, his newly-grown curled-up mustache, and his sunny, optimistic smile. Moore made a short address to the crowd where he said he was reminded of the scene in one of The Naked Gun movies where the Leslie Nielson character spoke into a microphone and did a parody of the Renoir's film La Regle du Jeu. "You must all be hear to see Wierd Al Yankovic and not little old me!" insisted the Archduke to the throng which responded with hundreds of millions of voices: "Of course not! We want you! We want you!"

After finishing his speech, Moore and his host Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg, boarded a Gräf & Stift open sports car, with its top folded down. The sports car was part of the a three car motorcade which was take the Archduke to various ceremonies and on a tour of Sarajevo.

Wuxi Red Guards trounce the New York Giants in the Super Duper Bowl

2012-02-12T04:19:00.001-08:00

The Wuxi Red Guards trounced the NFL Champion New York Giants 73-0 to win Super Duper Bowl 2 and claim the World Professional Football Championship. A professional football record crowd of 200,000 watched the game at the newly-constructed Santiago Cafe Bowl Stadium on Nanchang Jie Bar Street in Wuxi, China.

The Record Crowd saw Red Guard Quarterback Rabbi Benjamin Blech, gave his throwing arm a rest and continually hand off the ball to Running Back and Royal Triplet, Hayek the Mighty who rushed for 560 yards and eight touchdowns in his first game ever of professional football.

Hayek could have scored ten touchdowns, but on two plays, that touched the hearts of professional football fans and mothers everywhere, Hayek, as he neared the goal line, lateraled the ball to his mother Wonder Woman allowing her to become the first female to score a touchdown in a professional football game. "I was inspired to do this by my godfather Archduke Harry Moore and his mission to Paradise Island to impregnate all the women of child-bearing age there. I asked myself, what I could do too, in such a selfless manner, to help womankind, and I thought what better way than to let my mother score a touchdown!"

But the real star of Super Duper Bowl 2 was Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio. So good was their half-time musical performance, that instead of playing the fourth quarter of the football game, Super Duper Bowl officials let the band play an encore and allow Harry Callahan to have another wardrobe malfunction. Said Callahan, who returned to Wuxi from a crime-fighting assignment in the Suzhou China Expatdom Colony: "I wasn't planning on bearing my chest, but I didn't want to disappoint all the good people who were demanding it!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies returns from Paradise Island

2012-02-11T04:31:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies Harry Moore's plane was eventually able to touch down at the Wuxi Airport in the Shuo Feng District, Saturday evening. The Minister's plane's landing had been delayed by the millions of reporters who had the crowded the airport and sat on the tarmac in anticipation of his return from Paradise Island, home of WCE Prime Minister Mango's wife Wonder Woman, where Moore had gone on a mission to impregnate all its princesses of child-bearing age. Fire hoses had to be sprayed on the tarmac-occupying pressmen to enable the landing to happen.

After Moore's plane touched down, the Minister de-boarded onto the tarmac and walked toward a microphone placed thereon. He announced to the multitudes, listening to the radio or watching on television, that he was not happy and triumphant but miserable. He made his mission, he told the listening millions, for a woman, and she did not even show up at the airport. Stunning the awaiting multitudes into silence because no one had ever seen the always sunny, optimistic and virile Moore seem unhappy, Moore then asked the audience if they remembered the opening scene from Jean Renoir's 1939 classic film La Regle du Jeu. A few, who did, explained Moore's reference to the others and a great relief came over the millions at the Wuxi Airport. The smarter ones in the press corp then began to laugh.

Moore then told the massive crowd that he wanted to thank the ladies of Paradise Island for treating him so well. "I came to the Island in a business-like state of mind and was expecting the girls to be too, but the fine ladies who I had to impregnate, made the couplings romantic and emotionally satisfying. More than just catering to my every passionate desire, they had lots of my favorite foods and practically every movie ever made in their DVD collection. So between my duty calls, I was able to watch Doctor Zhivago on a forty meter wide screen while eating a steak cooked to perfection. So boy! I had a lot of fun! It was a trip full of the most pleasant sensations!"

Asked how good-looking the girls were, Moore said that he always believed that the photo of the girls in Playboy magazine were airbrushed, and that girls really didn't look like that. "But on Paradise Island, none of the girls had blemishes and were all proportioned perfectly! Heck, some were even been looking than Wonder Woman herself!" said the Minister. "And to have such softness in one's arm was like eating some delicious melt-in-your-mouth chocolate or breaking lots of bubble wrap by rolling on it!"

A huge one million vehicle motorcade, featuring every car every made in human history, all the new super tanks of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force, and the ten amphibious Air Craft Carriers of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy then took Minister Moore from Shuo Feng to the WCE Monarchical Palace. Overhead, a hundred planes from the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force flying in tight formation accompanied the land vehicle parade.

At the Palace, his Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty presented Minister Moore with ten medals of honor for the duty he had just done for the Wuxi China Expatdom, and recommended that he be inducted into the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame for an unprecedented third time. "No Man!" declared his Majesty, "has done so much for all of mankind! I am sure that I speak for Wuxi China Expatdomites when I say I really admire Minister Moore's pluck and courage in agreeing to take on this difficult mission. Lesser men would have been rendered too excited by the prospect of sleeping with all those beautiful girls, but Harry, and I call him that because I consider him my great friend, managed to keep his composure and sense of humor during this Herculean task we asked him to perform!"

Moore was then presented with a garland of flowers and declared the Wuxi Expat Man of the year by the two co-chairwomen of the Wuxi China Expatdom Ladies Auxiliary and Voters League (WCELAVL): her Majesty, the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira: the Chosen One and the first lady of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Wonder Woman. Speaking for both, Ayira, said that they would do everything they could to see to it that Minister Moore was presented with a Nobel Prize for Peace and Economics, a Pulitzer Prize, the highest honour an Australian could get in Australia, and a place on People's Magazine's list of most interesting people in 2012. Wonder Woman added that it was going to be the greatest of honors to be the aunt of children sired by Minister Moore.

After the royal presentation ceremony, the massive motorcade took Minister Moore to Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi where a crowd of 75,000 bar patrons feted Moore for five hours with choruses of "For he's a jolly good fellow!" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Then a ceremony took place where Minister Moore was also presented with an award for lifetime achievement by the President of the Pampers Corporation, Victor Mills, who said "Harry is the best thing to happen to the disposable diaper industry since the invention of disposable diapers!"

Afterwards, in the locker room of Gambay's, Minister Moore received congratulatory calls from many world leaders. "Merkel, Sarkozy, Cameron, some guy named Barry Obambi, my buddy the Pope, the leader-for-life of Uzwetyourbedistan, and another guy named Stephen Harper, whoever he is, phoned!" said Moore.

The leaders of Russia and Japan sent ambassadors to Moore requesting his fecund powers to help turn around their demographic decline. "I respectfully declined and told them I will only add more Wuxi China Expats to the world!" said the Minister.

But the most unprecedented honor for Minister Moore came from the National Football League and FIFA, the international governing body of soccer. NFL Commissioner Rogel S Goodell gave Minister Moore the Vince Lombardi Trophy, normally awarded to the winning team in the Super Bowl. Moments later, Moore received a phone call from FIFA President Seth Blater who awarded Minister Moore with the FIFA World Cup Trophy, normally awarded to the winner of the FIFA World Cup Tournament. Sports Historians said it was unprecedented for a major sports organization to award its team championship trophy for individual achievement in a field of endeavor not related to their sport

Harry Moore will only be spending a few days in the WCE before he puts on his Archduke hat for a visit to the Sarajevo Bosnia & Herzegovina where he will confer WCE Colonial Status on the SB&H Expatdom before going on a Motorcade tour on the latest WCE colony.

From the SB&H Expatdom, Archduke Moore will take off his royal hat, fly to Washington D.C., assume his role as the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society and give a film talk after the opening screening of the new film My American Cousin.

There are apparently three persons in the Wuxi China Expatdom named Andis Kaulins

2012-02-10T06:39:00.001-08:00

Andis Kaulins, the English teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins that is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association, has said that a third person named Andis Kaulins is now living in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Said ET Kaulins, at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China: "I was walking down Zhongshan Road, minding my own business, when a very handsome foreign person walked up to me and introduced himself as Andis Kaulins! I was taken aback! When finally, I recovered my senses, all I could think to ask him was what he was doing in the WCE! He told me that he had come to the WCE to become the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association (WCEEEA)"

Reporters hearing ET Kaulins's narrative then asked Andis Kaulins, the one not be confused with the President of the WCERA and the third Andis Kaulins, if the third Andis Kaulins didn't mean the Wuxi China Expatdom Eclectic Expat Association (WCEEEA) which is about to hold primary presidential elections in advance of its general presidential election which in turn will be held this fall. ET Kaulins, who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the president of the WCERA, said that the Andis Kaulins Number Three made a point of saying that he was the president of the WCE Elite EA, not to be confused with the WCE Eclectic EA. "There are two WCEEEAs in the WCE!" declared the Andis Kaulins who was an English Teacher and not a president of anything.

Wuxi Expat has Eclectic Underwear Collection

2012-02-07T01:49:00.001-08:00

Robert Knight, Wuxi Expat English Teacher, claims to have the most eclectic underwear collection in the Wuxi China Expatdom and all its colonies, including Bosnia and Herzegovina.

Knight, from Hamilton, Canada, says the eclecticism of his underwear collection comes from the fact that it is not in the least kinky, leopard-striped, sexpatish or femalish. "My underwear was either purchased at the Walmart on Upper James Street or the Mark's Work Wearhouse on Upper Wentworth in my hometown!" said Knight, with evident pride.

Asked how his underwear collection could be so eclectic, given that it seemed pedestrian and workmanlike, Knight said "We are talking about an Expatdom. Your average run-of-the-mill everyday Expat claims to have exotic tastes and habits. Now! I don't and that makes me an Eclectic Expat!"

Knight, says the eclecticism of his underwear collection combined with his experience in business and government would make him an ideal president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Eclectic Expat Association (WCEEEA). The WCEEEA will have a series of primary elections in the districts of the WCE before its hold its general presidential election in November 2012.

New York Giants to meet Wuxi Red Guards in Super Duper Bowl 2

2012-02-06T07:05:00.001-08:00

With their 21-17 victory over the New England Patriots Sunday, the New York Giants won Super Bowl XLVI and, much more importantly, earned a match-up with the China Expatdom Football League (CEFL) Champion Wuxi Red Guards in this Sunday's Super Duper Bowl 2 -- the championship of Galactic He-Man Football. The Giants hope to avenge, for the NFL, the 63-20 thrashing that the Red Guards administered on the NFL Champion Green Bay Packers in last year's inaugural Super Duper Bowl.

Giant Quarterback Eli Manning said that while it "was nice" to win the Super Bowl, the Giants season would be a failure if they couldn't at least put up a respectable showing against the mighty Red Guards of the Wuxi China Expatdom. "To be honest, we are simply not in the same class as the Wuxi Red Guards. We are like children and they are men of great character! I mean, it was mighty magnanimous of their Quarterback, Rabbi Benjamin Blech, to say that the Super Bowl Champions could compete with the weaker teams in the CEFL!" declared Manning after receiving the Vince Lombardi Trophy during the Super Bowl XLVI post-game ceremony.

Red Guard Wide Receiver Rabbi Yonason Goldson said he woke up early to watch the Super Bowl Monday morning, but admitted he was so distracted by household cleaning duties that he missed the Super Bowl's dramatic finish and so wasn't aware who the Super Bowl Champions were. "You know! I feel sorry for the Super Bowl Champions, whoever they may be! I hope we don't have to pretend that they can be competitive with us. I understand that some of those guys make a career of playing American Football. I hate to shatter their rice bowls!" said Rabbi Goldson.

Asked if he wanted to know who won the Super Bowl, Rabbi Goldson said he didn't. "I want to keep the identity of our opponent a surprise till game time next Sunday" laughed Goldson who quickly put on his earphones so he could listen to a Marc Levin and then a Econtalk Podcast.

Fifty Five Wuxi Expats hospitalized after Super Bowl Party

2012-02-06T00:33:00.001-08:00

Fifty Five Wuxi Expats attending a Monday Morning Super Bowl Party at the Chestnut Pub had to be sent to hospital.

Twenty Five of the Expats were hospitalized on account on food poisoning. Wally Droop's Kangaroo Stew turned out to be made with tainted meat.

A further thirty of the Expats were hospitalized in the immediate post-game celebration. The group of thirty male expats, from Ontario, Canada, who were cheering for the New England Patriots, didn't let the fact that their team had lost from taking off their clothes, rubbing their bodies together, dancing and chanting "Ha ha ha! Stupid Giant Fans! Beaten by we were you!" Acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force, Officer McNulty, attending the party and cheering for the Giants, took exception to the taunts, but would have let it go weren't it not for the bad grammar. McNulty felt compelled to set his troop of Rabid Helper Mountain Gorilla Constables on the Ontarians.

Officials at the Wuxi China Expatdom Number One Paying Patients Hospital said that the Ontario Expats would be in hospital for a month or so. "Even with the latest laser surgical technology, it is going to be hard to extract copies of the Cambridge Grammar of the English Language, third edition, from their foreheads!" said WCENOPPH spokesman Marius Welbroski.

Wuxi China Expatdom Vineyards produce the World's Finest Wines

2012-02-05T04:51:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Vineyards now produce the World's finest wines. So says Joseph Robert, editor of the Wine Speculator, the world's foremost Wine magazine, who told the WCE Blog that Wine connoisseurs the world over should forget about going to Bordeaux France, Burgundy France, Wurzburg Germany, Tuscany Italy and the Napa Valley in California. "The top twenty Vineyards in the world are all in the Wuxi China Expatdom!" insisted Robert.

That the Wuxi China Expatdom should have so many outstanding vineyards is incredible, given that in the last year of the reign of the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, the Wuxi China Expatdom was rated as the worst producer of wine in the entire universe. Lord Acton, the eminent Wuxi China Expatdom historian, told the WCE blog that at that time, the Ayatollah had placed all of the WCE's award-winning wine-makers in a dungeon producing scrap metal and kool-aid powder. "More proof of the darkness that was the reign of the former King of Wuxi!" said Acton, who was visibly unable to control his divinely righteous indignation, after being forced to recall the dark times.

"But with their release after the coronation of King Gorzo the Mighty, the wine-makers, with encouragement from his Majesty, began to grow the finest grapes for wine-making in all the world on the rich succulent soils of the shores of Lake Taihu and of the slopes of Yangshan!" said Baron Burgundy Bordeaux Tuscany Napa-Smith, the chief viceroy of the Wuxi China Expatdom Wine Makers Association (WCEWMA)

The Baron waxed poetically, like he was talking about a young girl he was fervent for, as he rattled off the many fine wines grown and produced by the WCEWMA. "There is Chateau Meicun 2011: a full-bodied burgundy that teaches one the meaning of the word sublime. Chongnan Crest Cabernet Sauvignon Zhongshan Road Reserve 2010 is easily the greatest Cabernet of all human history! And of course, my personal favorite Difang du Lao Dianshilu Chateaujiu-de-Baba-Hui-Shan-Lu 2011 which is made by the brothers Du Maurier. This red wine is a blend of 65 percent Grenache with 15 percent each of Chateau Meicun and Taihu Tuscany, plus a dash of Tsingtao, Crown Royal, Clairette and other varieties, all sourced from vines averaging over 100 years of age."

Editor Robert said that the Wuxi China Expatdom, would continue to have the finest vineyards in the world if it continued to have its current decent political leadership and laisez-faire economic policies.

Sarajevo Bosnia and Herzegovina Expatdom becomes colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom

2012-02-04T19:38:00.001-08:00

The Wuxi China Expatdom has it first European Colony. The Expatdom at Sarajevo in Bosnia and Herzegovina has applied for and been accepted as the latest colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Head of the SB&HE delegation to the Wuxi China Expatdom, Abulah Sidran, cited the Wuxi China Expatdom having a cutting edge S&M culture and its liberal attitude toward human-inanimate object matrimony as the reasons for their wanting WCE colonial status. "Thousands of SB&HErs are planning to come to the WCE to marry their transistor radios !" said Sidran.

SB&HE will officially become a WCE colony when Archduke Harry Moore, the Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies, pays a visit during which he will take a motorcade tour of Sarajevo riding in a restored 1911 Gaft and Stift Double Phaeton automobile. "We look forward to the visit of the Archduke!" said Sidran.

For his part, His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, welcomed the SB&HE becoming a WCE Expatdom. "I anticipate that many more European Expatdoms will want to become WCE colonies and adopt the WCE Dollar as their official currency!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies given a royal title.

2012-02-04T05:27:00.001-08:00

Harry Moore, the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Appreciation Society, the Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies, a two-time inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, and the only live person to be ever canonized by the Catholic Church has received perhaps his most prestigious title yet. Today at a press conference held at the Press Room Gold of the Wuxi China Expatdom Monarchical Palace, his majesty King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty decreeded that Harry Moore was now Archduke Harry Moore by virtue of being god father to one of the royal triplets, Prince Hayek the Mighty.

His Majesty said he was proud to think of the Minister and President Moore as family. "There is room at the Mighty dinner table for another raccountuer" declared His Majesty.

Archduke Harry Moore, who was on the way to Paradise Island to impregnate the female Amazon population was unavailable for comment.

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President to deliver lecture at Ford's Theater in Washington D.C.

2012-02-04T05:14:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore has been invited by the Washington D.C. People's Film Appreciation Society to deliver a film talk at the Ford's Theater in Washington D.C.

The occasion of the speech at the historical theater will be the grand opening night screening of the new movie My American Cousin starring Joseph Jefferson, Laura Keene and E.A. Sothern.

President Moore, who is also the Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies, will deliver a lecture on films about the U.S. Civil War after the screening.

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad Officer McNulty has Helper Gorillas

2012-02-04T00:42:00.001-08:00

Not to be outdone by other Expats who have helper monkeys, the acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Police Squad, Officer McNulty, has acquired a whole troop of rabid African Helper Mountain Gorillas to to be employed during routine investigations, riot control, questioning of suspects, and enforcement of Expatdom by-laws and English grammar rules.

"The Mountain Gorillas, all male and smokers, have been feed Viagara and made to quit smoking cold-turkey, to ensure they are in heat and thus at a maximum level of ferocity." said Officer McNulty to a packed standing-room-only press center of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China. To demonstrate the gorilla's ferocity, McNulty released one of his helper-gorillas, named Constable Snuggles, into the crowd -- seven reporters from the New York Times were torn to shreds before McNulty said "bananas."

"The Gorillas have also been taught to ride horses!" said McNulty to the surviving Press Men. The remaining media, from Fox News and the Wall Street Journal and the Wuxi China Expatdom blog, gave McNulty a standing ovation.

In all, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Helper Gorilla Police (WCERMHGP) will have a hundred members. McNulty says they will be deployed immediately at the new Wuxi, China Nanchang Jie Bar Street. "There's a lot of bad grammar spoken there!" declared McNulty.

Wuxi Expat loves a good fairy tale more than anything else

2012-02-04T00:00:00.001-08:00

Chester Gilbert, a Wuxi Expat journalist, says he loves nothing more than a jolly good fairy tale.

"If forced to choose between playing a video game, watching a moving picture, going to a live play, watching automobile races, participating in an orgy with local girls, getting drunk, having experiences, streaking down Zhongshan Road, reading the Poolside Harry Moore, going to a Pub, reading the latest news, watching a sporting competition, riding in a open-air vehicle with a pretty girl by my side, making fun of continental Europeans, laughing at Italians, speculating about what English people do at boarding schools or eating a vegemine sandwich, I would say toss them all and tell me a jolly good fairy tale!" said Chester to the WCE blog.

Asked why he felt this way, Gilbert said "For one thing, all those other activities are over-rated. Reality is often a fraud. Ordinary things are more valuable than extraordinary things. I trust old wives' fables to old maids' facts. The things I believed and enjoyed most when I was young, are the things I most enjoy and believe now: fairy tales. They seem to me to be entirely reasonable things. They are not fantasies but sheer common sense. And I don't need to lose my senses, to enjoy myself! It is more interesting to me to hear tales of fairies that dance in the grass than to hear about people smoking grass or doing it in the grass!"

Wuxi Expat has the apartment of his dreams

2012-02-03T00:21:00.001-08:00

Thor Lyndon, a Wuxi Expat, has his apartment set up as he wants it.

"It is the apartment of my dreams!" says the 38 year old English teacher. "I have a big screen 3-D television in bed room. I have my play station. I have my comfortable bed in front of the television. I have my swing set set up, so that on either side of the television, there is pretty local girl in a bikini swinging and on call to satisfy any of my immediate craven desires. I also have helper monkeys to do the cooking and cleaning. Who can ask for anything more!"

It was at this point in the interview, that Acting Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Officer McNulty burst into the apartment and shouted "That's who could ask for anything more, you reprobate!" McNulty then administered his personal and idiosyncratic brand of retributive, parsimonious, equiponderant justice towards Lyndon. The girls in bikinis, being impressed with McNulty's virility, left with the officer.

Lyndon's helper monkeys were seen trying to pry two copies Fowler's English Usage from his forehead.

Prince Charles Arrives In Wuxi China Expatdom To Inspect Our Privates

2012-02-03T00:20:00.000-08:00

"Ohh, I say! Tell me, are they real?

Err....but I really do think you ought to stay well-away
from the Chestnut!".

[alternative captions, anyone?]

General Col Harlan Sanders Delivers First New Super-Tank To Wuxi China Expatdom's Garrison

2012-02-02T03:17:00.000-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom's Army Chief General Colonel Harlan B.Sanders
rumbled through the throngs of overjoyed Expats as he brought in the first of the
giant new tanks. Minister of Colonies Harry Moore, ever-eager to gather more raconteur-material, was granted an exclusive interview with the General.

The General-Colonel said that this new tank will soon be joined by
a further 600,000 similar models, which will form the backbone of the WCE's massive military might. "My old buddy General George S. Patton contacted me", said the General.
"He told me that when he was pulverizin' kraut tanks in the Bulge, his attention was caught by this example. After years of redesign and development, I give you the
Super King Tomcat!! And look-out when this beast growls!".

The General told Harry Moore that the WCE's new armoured-fist is powered by no-less than four Westinghouse-Mercedes Nuclear Turbines, delivering around 285 million horsepower. "Armament?", boomed the General, "why, it's got a 788mm cannon just for starters! Range is unlimited!".

The triumphant entry was briefly marred by an accident. The Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion Duston Short, trying to get a close-up photograph, was trammelled, yet he emerged unscathed and told concerned onlookers that he'd "enjoyed much it, very!".

[*Note:- the photographer of the above-image cannot be contacted. If any Expats are able to identify this Wuxi China Expatdom location, could they please contact the writer or the editor-in-chief, please].

Wuxi China Expat has Eclectic Taste in Music

2012-02-02T01:22:00.000-08:00

Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association, has eclectic taste in music.

Asked by the WCE blog, what music he liked, ET Kaulins said he liked Frank Sinatra, late 80's alternative bands like the Smiths and New Order, the Sex Pistols and the Clash, the Who, Tom T. Hall, Toby Keith, the Wings, Early David Bowie, the Velvet Underground and the American Songbook, especially anything that was Cole Porterish. "Who else do you know who would like such disparate kinds of music?" asked Kaulins.

Asked to comment on the musical taste of ET Kaulins, the great music critic Harold Mooreski said "that unlike other people, you wouldn't be able to determine the musical tastes of ET Kaulins by looking at his birth certificate. He is truly able to transcend his age and milieu, and like music honestly without regard to the opinions of others!"

Wuxi China Expatdom First Lady Wonder Woman is Pregnant!!!!

2012-01-31T05:36:00.001-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango and his wife, the first lady of the WCE, Wonder Woman are going to have Dragon babies in the year 2012.

Spokesman for the WCE PM, Sally Adolf Cicero, made the announcement to a packed press conference at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi. Said Cicero: "The First Couple of the WCE, unlike many Wuxi Expats, didn't spend the Spring Festival holiday playing video games and getting drunk! They had their honey moon! Tests taken today confirm that Wonder Woman is pregnant and her due date is in early October!"

The WCE PM spokesman didn't answer questions from the media after making the announcement.. When asked to give specific details of the conception, the WCE PM spokesman ordered fire hoses be let loose on the media members from the WCE Sexpat Gazette.

News of Wonder Woman's pregnancy resulted in massive celebrations throughout the Expatdom. All three Harry Moore Memorial Squares in Wuxi were quickly packed with hundreds of millions of celebrants many of whom decided to dance like drunken Cossacks in a Conga Line. In the Shanghai China Expatdom Colony, millions of Expats thronged the Bund and Nanjing Road to celebrate. In the Expatdoms of South America, governments were forced to declare it Carnivale time, as millions celebrated Prime del Ministre Mango Magnificto getting Mujer Maravilla embarazada! But the biggest and most heart-felt celebrations took place on Wonder Woman's native Paradise Island where she was a Amazon Princess before coming a super-heroine, confidante to Harry Moore, the first lady of the Wuxi China Expatdom and member of the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League -- one hundred million Amazon princesses celebrated and begged for Harry Moore to come to their island and impregnate every one of them.

Wuxi China Expatdom Pubs also enjoyed brisk business after the announcement. At Gambay's Pub, one group toasted PM Mango for fourteen rounds. Many then went onto the streets carrying signs saying "Atta Boy Mango!"

Eight Billion voices were soon heard chanting in unison "WCE! WCE! WCE!"

Veteran observers of the Expatdom said the celebrations were nearly as huge as those that took place after the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor -- former King of Wuxi.

Wuxi China Expats glad to be back to work after Spring Festival

2012-01-30T19:37:00.001-08:00

Wuxi Expats say they are happy to be back to work after the Spring Festival holiday. Many said they were stuck in their apartments during the holiday because they were scared of crowds, fireworks or being invited to cold apartments for dinners.

Thor Lyndon, English Teacher, said he was very happy to be back to work. "I am happier than poo on a stick to be teaching English. All I did during the CNY was get drunk and play computer games. The one time I went out, I froze!" said Lyndon.

William "Corky" Bittermeyer, also an English Teacher, said he felt good about being back to work. "Going to work gives me something to do" said Bittermeyer.

His Majesty, King of the Wuxi Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, said he got so bored at home that he had to go back to the palace and do some work. "Not having any staff I about, I took on some of their duties like cleaning, typing and handling fan mail. And to be honest, it felt good. I also developed an appreciation for the work they do for me and the Expatdom. I think all of them should be inducted in the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira to resume Boxing Career

2012-01-30T05:23:00.001-08:00

Ayria: The Chosen One, Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom and Consort of his Majesty the King of Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty, has announced that she will resume her boxing career which had been put on hold when she was pregnant with the Royal WCE Triplets.

The Triplets: Hayek, Friedman and Buckley, born Christmas Day, have grown and matured already leaving Ayira free for other pursuits like her boxing career. Last year before the birth of the Royal Triplets, Ayira defeated Oprah Winfrey, Hilary Clinton and Michelle Obama in, what many boxing experts considered to be, the greatest pugilistic bouts in all of human history.

This year, Ayira plans to fight minority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi, New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd, and Leftist "Civil Rights" Lawyer Gloria Allred. She has challenged also Keynesian Economist Paul Krugman

Ayira has rehired her training staff including Angelo Dundee, Bill Belichick, Vince Lombardi, Knute Rockne, George S. Patton, Rocky Marciano, Alexander the Great, Eddie Futch, Teddy Atlas and Ray Arcel. She has also hired some poets including WCE Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky, William Wordsworth and TS Eliot who will serve as her corner men during press conferences.

The evidence of Ayira's determination to box again quickly became apparent to all media members attending the press conference where she announced the resumption of her boxing career: Ayira delivered a left hook to a T-70 battle tank, beside her on the podium, sending it flying a thousand feet; and then recited the following lyrics: "Rumble lie a butter fly! Deadly like like typhus! I am gonna beat and knock my opponents sense-lus!"

While she admitted that the lyric was nothing special, Ayira confidently boasted that the media men "ain't heard nothing yet, and that she was going to give them lines and lines of witty rhymes that would fill notebooks from here to infinity, twice as easily as the roll of a dice!"

Asked by a CNN reporter why she only wanted to box women and half-men of Leftist and Progressive sentiments, Ayira said "I am powerful like an Iguana and I am going to kick the ass of who I wanna! Besides, Bachmann and Palin: they be forces for good! I only want to use my fists, on the people on my evil lists!"

Ayira ended the press conference by promising the media that 2012 would be a year of "sizzling sonnets, powerful punches, horrifying hooks, laid-out lamenting Leninists, and K-O'd Keynesians!"

Harry Moore Speaks: "Wuxi China Expatdom's Eyes Look West"

2012-01-30T03:59:00.000-08:00

President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society and
Minister for Colonies Harry Moore says that the WCE government is seeking to
expand it's ever-growing colonial possessions. Interviewed on the Expatdom's
prime-time television programme "In Wuxi Tonight" by the anchorman
Andis Kaulins (the English Teacher), Harry Moore outlined the bold new
expansionary plans.

"I've been commissioned", he said, "by Emperor Gorzo and the Parliament
to travel to various Expatdoms in Siberia. There I am to compile a report
on the feasibility of those regions being absorbed into our dominion".
"I know very little of those distant regions. My brief is to gauge the mood
of those disparate Expats - perhaps the WCE might create one Expat colony there".

Genial host Andis Kaulins asked Harry Moore if he had any anxieties
about travelling deep into a sometimes-harsh, and alien region. "There are
wolves there", Andis Kaulins said, "and numerous other dangers, such as
naked mensheviks, and, possibly Boris Yeltsin too?". Harry Moore replied that
many people have stereotypical perceptions of Siberia. "It's not a place out of some movie, Andis. I will be going unarmed. Such things don't worry me in the least, And besides, the Expatdom doesn't practice gunboat diplomacy, so our intentions are entirely peaceful".

After a moment's pause, Harry Moore said "now you mention them, well actually
I am scared of wolves!". "I'd hoped", he went on, "that you, Andis, and your namesake of the WCE Rifle Association might be able to accompany me, but, naturally I understand that you both have heavy commitments here, in the Expatdom".

Harry Moore told Andis Kaulins that he'd set-off on the first leg of the journey as soon as possible. "Yes", he explained, "I must get myself to Omsk or Tomsk
quickly. The WCE government believes that, apart from millions of prospective
Expat colonial citizens, there are believed to be substantial natural resources there. Emperor Gorzo told me that we must move fast because those Europeans are having some financial woes right now, and therefore we mustn't shilly-shally about."

Helper Monkeys are the new status symbol of Wuxi Expats

2012-01-29T00:31:00.001-08:00

First, it was having a Chinese Driver's License; secondly, it was owning an autographed copy of the Poolside Harry Moore; then, it was having GPS in one's bar girl; but now the status symbol of the Wuxi Expat is to have lots and lots of helper monkeys.

When it was revealed that Her Majesty Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira: the Chosen One, had a helper monkey fetch balls during her tennis matches, a trend was set and soon all of the WCE High Society had to have one helper monkey and then more. A helper monkey arms race developed and Wuxi China Expats, bored of showing off their Chinese-speaking skills, began to speak of how many helper monkeys they had. One Wuxi China Pub Owner, Frank Minkleman, had a hundred helper monkeys working on his yacht in Lake Taihu. NIels Bohr, at his lavish wedding, had a thousand helper monkeys serving guests and performing the dragon dance. Wuxi Sexpats began to boast of having helper monkey sex slaves.

Wuxi Expat English Teachers, not being able to afford helper monkeys, developed all manner of strategems to show off their status. Duston Short, English Teacher Extraodinaire, until he was found out, had his triplet brothers follow him around in monkey costumes. Many other English teachers began hiring students to dress up as helper monkeys and also follow them around.

German Wuxi Expat Engineers, in cooperation with the Japanese, designed and built robot helper monkeys but couldn't find a solution to the battery charging problem and as well, weren't able to make the robot monkeys anatomically correct enough for Wuxi Sexpats.

Several Wuxi Expats then wanted to marry their helper monkeys, but were not granted licenses by the Wuxi China Expatdom Bureau of Marriage Licensing. One Expat, Hans Klingerer, got a helper monkey to marry his long underwear; but the marriage was later declared void when it was discovered the long underwear was already married to Klingerer.

So intense has the demand for helper monkeys been in the Wuxi China Expatdom, that it has been reported that some Wuxi Expats have traded their Ipads and Iphones for helper monkeys. One helper monkey is now worth 2 Ipads on the WCE black market.

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner loves to fondle and grope his male patrons

2012-01-27T23:23:00.001-08:00

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut Pub, loves his male patrons and says that it is very important that he and they have a physical relationship.

Any male patron entering the Chestnut, can expect to be bear-hugged by Droop who will then grab onto their buttocks or genitals, giving them a good five or six second tight grasp.

"The Pub Owner -- Patron relationship isn't like prostitution where a service is exchanged for money. A person going to the pub expects to be able to have an emotional relationship with the people therein, whether they be the other customers, the staff, or above all, the guy or gal who runs or owns the place! And it is not a case of wham-bam-see-you-later-or-never when one goes to the pub; one expects to have one's existence acknowledged! Being in the business for thirty years as I have been, I have learned what it is that patrons want. Of course, we now live in an age in history where males need to have their physical existences acknowledged in order to enhance their self-esteem, so ergo I practically molest them when they come into the pub and even more when they buy drinks or bring in their friends and associates! Not that I mind, I have always had inclinations that way since I grew up on a sheep farm with only sheep, dingos, wallabees and kangaroos to keep me company!"

Asked how he treated his female patrons, Droop said he liked to chat them up and tell them the things he was going to do to them on their wedding night. "You should see the look in those Sheila's eyes when I talk to them in details so intimate you'd think I really was their husband!"

Droop's patrons, especially the lonelier ones, told the WCE Blog that they found Droop's advances to be shocking and yet, strangely intriguing. Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion and an Eastern Conference Champion, says his favorite time to be in the Chestnut is in Summer when Droop wears short shorts and encourages the others to do so as well. "As a craver of intimicacy, you don't know how much it raises my self-esteem to have someone act like I am attractive in shorts!" said Short.

Wuxi China Expat says he has a beautiful and sublime body

2012-01-27T22:42:00.001-08:00

Bobby Bellamy, a Wuxi Expat, says he is an advocate for the beauty of his body.

"Men of honesty and good will would all agree, if they cared to look, that my body is beautiful and sublime!" said Bellamy, who says he spends his time, whether on the job or in leisure, promoting the sublime beauty of his body to other Expats and locals alike.

Bellamy, who teaches English at a local primary school, says he uses his body's beauty and sublimeness to teach vocabulary to his students. "I have used the sublimity of my body to enhance their vocabulary. I can now hear them, when they are on the playground, use the words "sublime, splendorous, wondrous, pleasurable, soft, delicate, tight, fondle, grope, caress, delightful, texture, natural, divine, comely, Harry Moore, iron-like, extensive, massive, shiny, resplendent, tone, ample, endowment and dueling scar" among others. For their English speaking competition, many of my students choose to talk about the difference between the beauty and sublime using photos of my body parts!"

Bellamy tells the WCE Blog that he spends his advocacy time canvassing the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame director Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis to enshrine him or, at least, his wonderful body therein. "I believe that four 8888m tall statues depicting my body, at each corner of the WCEHoF grounds would warm the spirits of everyone in the Wuxi China Expatdom! Kennesaw doesn't agree yet, but I am softening him with my 24 hour round-the-clock email and SMS campaign!"

On his own initiative, though, Bellamy has produced one million 4 foot by 3 foot posters featuring images of his body and distributed them where ever he goes in the WCE. "Even if the posters are use to wrap fish or placed at the bottom of bird cages, I know that that everyday life of the average person is being made more beautiful and sublime!"

Bellamy says he also hopes to team up with Harry Moore and produce a book called The Sublime Duo of Harry Moore & Bob Bellamy Poolside. "So far, His Sublimeness Moore has no returned any of my phone calls and emails!" said Bellamy, the regret obvious from the emotional cracking of his voice.

Bellamy's colleagues say they find his advocacy efforts something to behold, but misdirected. Guy Batterson, who also teaches with Bellamy at a Wuxi primary school, says that Bellamy has scared many of his Chinese colleagues by his advocacy. "A teacher can't enter the office without Bob showing them a joint and a hidden crevice in his body!" said Batterson who wished to be unnamed for this news story. "Still, he pursues the advocacy for the beauty of his body with a single-mindedness that I wish I could apply to my girlfriend!"

The owner of the Chestnut Pub, Bellamy's local, Wally Droop, says that Bellamy is one patron who appreciates being fondled and groped.

Wuxi China Expat Conspiracy Theorist Alliance questions the existence of just one Harry Moore

2012-01-27T00:32:00.001-08:00

Jim Garrison, president of the Wuxi China Expat Conspiracy Theorist Alliance (WCECTA), says his organization doubts there is only one Wuxi Expat named Harry Moore.

"It is really hard to believe that one Wuxi Expat named Harry Moore could possibly have accomplished all that he is said to have accomplished. How are we to believe the powers-that-be that say that one man named Harry Moore is an double inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, a best-selling author, an international sex symbol, a government official administering over a thousand Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies, an orator capable of galvanizing millions of listeners with his words, a leading scholar of the cinema, the chief executive of the leading film appreciation society in the world, a survivor a million assassination attempts, a lover to more women that Wilt Chamberlain, and an amasser of better baseball statistics than the great Babe Ruth? Ten superb individuals combined could never have accomplished such wondrous things! I submit to you that there must be at least ten Wuxi Expats named Harry Moore!" said Garrison to the 2012 annual WCECTA congress.

Thierry Mason, vice-president of the WCECTE, presented his theory that elements of Mossad, the Cheka, the CIA, the FDA, the WCECIA, WCEKGB, and the WCEFA have built ten remote -- controlled Harry Moore robots to complement the twin Harry Moores who pose as models and also make love to all the movie starlets.

Jim Marrs, president of the Venice Gardens chapter of the WCECTA, said he had proof that there were Harry Moore Quintuplets until men wearing black coats and sunglasses, and driving Black SUVs paid him a visit and stole his 1966 Harry Moore Quintuplet Calendar.

James Douglass, president of the Wanke Glamourous City Chapter of the WCECTA, said that Sasquatch, the Abominable Snowmen, the Loch Ness Monster, Al Gore Junior, Elvis Presley, the people really responsible for 9-11, and all the members of the JFK assassination conspiracy including the gunmen, wore Harry Moore suits and that that was why "Harry Moore" had seemingly accomplished so much.

WCECTA President Garrison concluded the WCECTA congress with a plea to the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Police Force and the Wuxi China Expatdom parliament to conduct a strip-search of Harry Moore and see if his body resembled that represented in the massive international best-selling work of literature the Poolside Harry Moore.

Wuxi Expat proud of brown gloves he bought in the Chinese Countryside

2012-01-26T23:58:00.001-08:00

Andis Kaulins, the English Teaching Expat who is not be confused with the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association El President Andis Kaulins, is proud of the brown gloves he bought in Beixin, a small town in the countryside of Jiangsu province. ET Kaulins was in Beixin to celebrate the Spring Festival with his wife Jenny's relatives.

"It was cold in Beixin for the four days I was there. Taking my daily constitutional, I found my hands were cold and that for the first time this winter, I felt a need to wear gloves. I went to, what I assumed was a recently-opened supermarket, and looked for the glove aisle. There, I saw a pair of brown gloves with a silver pattern that looked adequate for my purposes. Looking at the signs, I thought they would set me back 38 rmb, but I asked a nearby clerk and she told me they were 15, or at least, that was I understood!" said ET Kaulins.

"You can imagine my surprise, when I went to the register and they charged me only 5 rmb for the pair! I was beside myself in ectasy! That was less than a dollar in my native Canada!" said an excited ET Kaulins.

Jauntily, ET Kaulins said: "For as long as it is cold, I will proudly show off my gloves to any other Expat I will meet. I really like my 5 rmb pair of gloves!"

Wuxi Expat hasn't taken shower yet in the Year of the Dragon

2012-01-26T23:41:00.001-08:00

Wuxi Expat Herman Bosman has not taken a shower six days into the year of the Dragon.

Bosman, a South African English Teacher, in his girlfriend's Chinese countryside hometown for the Spring Festival holiday, says he sees his trip to the Chinese countryside as akin to going to a musical festival.

"When I went to Woodstock, it was seven days of Love, Peace, Music, and no Showering!" said Bosman, "so it ain't nothing new to me, man!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force says Operation Hephaestion has been a tremendous success

2012-01-26T23:30:00.001-08:00

Officer McNulty, acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force (the WCERMPF), told a million assorted newsmen, that Operation Hephaestion, an initiative taken by the WCERMPF to correct the grammar of WCE English Teachers, has been a tremendous success. "We have corrected the grammar of one hundred thousand Wuxi China Expat English Teachers!" said McNulty.

McNulty was quick to not take credit for the operations's success. "I wouldn't have been able to catch and prosecute the English Teachers mangling the Queen's and President's English without the diligent efforts of the million man task force that spared no amount of personal comfort in hiding out where English teachers congregate! I also want to thank Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges for the use of his aircraft carriers and the bombardment he put on the bad grammar of English Teachers living in Long Tuo Zhu Park; Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Marshall Gregory Peck for the 72 hours of non-stop bombardment of the Norway International English School in the Wuxi New District; Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander General Colonel Harlan Sanders for the artillery and mortar barrage on the two English Fungus locations in the Nanchang District; my acting teacher Stella Adler who taught me how to make my appearances before criminal punks heartfelt and true; my boxing trainer Angelo Dundee who taught me to control my savage tendencies; Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President and WCE Minister of Colonies and best-selling author and international-sex-symbol-raconteur Harry Moore for being my role-model; and Pope Benedict XVI for saving my soul!"

Asked if his methods might be over-the-top in their roughness, McNulty said that extremism in the defense of a good cause was not as vicious as mamby-pamby post-1960s governmental types would have people believe. "Some English Teachers get a little bruised because they aren't so professional -- this is nothing! These English Teachers have the slackest of lives compared to what the locals have to put up with!" said McNulty.

Asked for numbers of English Teachers punished as well as of the amounts of punishment dealt, McNulty was quite exact. "Six English Teachers are missing but we presume that they did "a runner." 45,266 English teachers are in hospital with broken bones or grammar books lodged deeply in their foreheads. Three thousand English Teachers are serving life sentences for repeated errors of tense. Twenty five thousand English Teachers have had their dangling participles severed. Another twenty five thousand English Teachers are under house arrest for bad pronoun reference. The other 1,728 teachers have had their bar tab privileges revoked!"

McNulty added that Operation Hephaestion would continue indefinitely into the future. Asked if this was a case of "It ain't broke, don't fix it!" by a reporter, McNulty growled, terrifying all the reporters. Tension in the Walter Bagehot Press Center rose to a fever-pitch as McNulty asked the reporter to repeat his question. The reporter, on the second try, asked if the continuance of Operation Hephaestion was a case of "if it isn't broken, don't fix it! making McNulty growl all the more. Reporters fainted before and as McNulty said it was a case of don't stop a good thing happening. It was only when McNulty curled his lips into a smile that reporters were able to breathe easily and laugh nervously.

Wuxi Expat narrowly escapes being assaulted by Toronto Maple Leaf fans

2012-01-26T05:45:00.001-08:00

Bob Goring, a Wuxi Expat and Pittsburgh Penguins fan, narrowly escaped being assaulted by a group of Toronto Maple Leaf fans he encountered at Dangle's Participle, the Wuxi China Expatdom English Teacher Pub.

Goring went to the pub to watch the Penguins play the St. Louis Blues on the big screen television. After watching his team defeat the Blues 3-2, Goring briefly raised his fist in the air and took a long sip of his beer.

Said Goring:

"Putting down my beer, I noticed this group of strange looking barefoot people, some of them with no teeth, others with with contorted faces, staring at me. One of them, who looked like he was the leader of the group, asked if I was a Penguins fans. Saying I was, the leader laughed and the rest of his group started to laugh as well.

Asking them what was so funny, they told me that they were fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Thinking that they were joshing me, I told them that I should be the one that was laughing.

The leader looked at me quizzically and asked me what I meant. "It behooves me to mention that your team hasn't won the Cup since '67. My Pens just won the Cup in '09!" I replied.

"Is that so? How about we wait and see who wins the game on January 31st! Ha ha!" he said to me, thinking he had scored a rhetorical triumph!

"The Stanley Cup ain't on the line!" I told him. "I don't expect you guys are going to be in the final this year, let alone the playoffs! Ha ha ha!" I added and I then saw his brows furrow.

He told me that I had a pretty mouth, and he got his followers to agree that I had a very pretty mouth.

The next thing I know, he grabbed me by the ear and ordered me to squeal as a Piggie. A bunch of Vancouver Canuck and Ottawa Senator fans then joined the Leaf fans and demanded that I get on the floor on all fours with my pants down. I pleaded with the bartender for help until I saw him pull out a "closed" sign and lock the entrance to the pub.

I thought I was done for until the locked entrance to the pub suddenly slammed opened, and who should appear, but Wuxi China Expatdom acting Chief Inspector Officer McNulty! Wearing leather chaps and a leather vest with a sheriff's badge, he shot arrows at the Senator, Leaf, and Canuck fans, pinning all of them to the walls of the pub. He told us that he had been at the nearby Bondage Bar and said he couldn't help but overhear someone say "squeal as a piggie!" "You bunch of dumb hick English Teacher punks!" screamed McNulty, "You should have said "squeal like a piggie!"

As I snuck out of the pub, I heard agonized screaming and moans as McNulty gave the Hockey Fans and English Teachers a heaping portion of his deluxe personal luxury brand of divinely-inspired, paradigm-shifting, grammatically-correct and syntactically-true justice.

I then thought to myself that I could have easily been the one moaning!"

Wuxi Expat wins the Eastern Conference Championship

2012-01-26T04:39:00.001-08:00

Wuxi Expat Manuel Torrez has won the Eastern Conference Championship. He did so by defeating Otto Blintz in the final that wasn't decided till the end.

Torrez said Blintz was a worthy opponent and that he was fortunate to beat him.

Blintz, proud in defeat, praised Torrez, saying he was a master.

Asked if he wanted to play the Western Conference Champion, Torrez said it was something he dreamed about as he trained for the Eastern Conference Final. "I keep asking Western Conferencers to play me, but they never taken up the offer!" said Torrez, with a sigh.

The championship was Torrez's first. Wuxi Expat Wally Droople, with little relation to Chestnut Pub owner Wally Droop, has won eight Eastern Conference Championships.

Presidential Multi-Horse Race Heats Up In Wuxi China Expatdom

2012-01-22T00:55:00.000-08:00

Presidency of the Wuxi China Expatdom's Congenial And Pensive Xihui
Park Stamp And Coin Collector's Club (WCECAPXPSACC) is once-again up for grabs.

Last night's Hopeful's Debate in the New District Primary,
was at-times heated, and packed more drama and twists and turns than
ever witnessed, said seasoned media commentators.

No party-affliations are permitted, however, some candidates,
unfettered by apparat-chics, are clearly unable to divorce themselves
from deep-seated Realpolitik sound-byte ideologies.
Candidate Frank "Pyjama Pants" Prostrami, for instance, is a
rusted-on Harpo-Marxist.

Neither Harry Moore, nor Andis (gunslinger) Kaulins, nor
Andis (English Teacher) Kaulins, nor Air Marshal Peck, nor Kennesaw "Hui Shan"
Landis, nor Officer McNulty, nor Admiral Bridges, nor CI Harry Callahan,
nor General Harl Sanders, nor Merkels, nor Heckylls, nor Jeckylls, nor
Abbott, nor Costello, nor Howdy-Doody, nor Spartacus, nor
Roy Rogers, nor his horse-trigger, - nor any other Expats with a reasonable
supply of oxygen to their brains, have nominated themselves for candidacy.

"How could we enter - we have no scandals to 'fess up to, and then crave
forgiveness for?!", Harry Moore and Andis (ET) Kaulins jointly and severally
asked rhetorically.

During the evening's debate, the incumbent liberal-leaning President
J.Edgar Hoover wooed the audience with his singing skills, spontaneously launching into the hit song "Blame It On The Bossa-Nova!", prompting the pundits to
ask if he could tap-dance as well.

Appealing for the expat-Slavic vote, candidate Nick Spomenko
retorted by growling his way through Lee Marvin's heart-rending "I Was
Born Under A Wanderin' Croat".

In this horse-race, the lead keeps changing, and media-speculation
is that who is in front will not be known until next month's Primary in Lake Taihu.

Wuxi Expat drops out of the U.S. Presidential Race

2012-01-19T21:30:00.001-08:00

Groovy Henson, Wuxi Expat and English Teacher, announced today that he has suspended his 2012 U.S. Presidential campaign. Having garnered no votes in any of the Republican primaries, and not having recorded any support in any polls, Henson told the WCE Blog that he saw the writing on the wall and decided to withdraw from the race.

Asked why his campaign never got off the ground, Henson blamed the fact that he was stuck in Wuxi and so wasn't able to campaign in America, prejudice against recreational drug users and alcoholics, misunderstandings about his past personal life which included three divorces and several young illegitimate children back stateside, and Ron Paul stealing all his best ideas. "Paul was too old, man! I, like, had the same ideas, and being, like 41, I could of served the whole eight years!"

Asked who he would endorse, Henson said "Paul of course. You know, he is right about the man and how we got to stop him from getting too big and taking our freedom to smoke what we want! I also like his foreign policy! Peace man! Every Dude wants peace!"

Wuxi Expat says he will grow a beard during the Spring Festival

2012-01-19T20:05:00.001-08:00

Grizzly Abrams, a North American Mountain Man turned Wuxi Expat English Teacher, says he is going to grow a beard during the Spring Festival holiday.

Abrams told the WCE Blog that he had had a long flowing two-foot beard when in North America where he lived in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest and British Columbia, but then shaved it off in order to get a job teaching English in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"I have been itching all these years to regrow the thing," said Abrams, "but my wife Ling Yi Lu (Pronounced Lingy Lou in North American), who I met in Wuxi, won't let me. Any time I have asked her to let me grow a beard, I will get a stare from her that makes me wish I was wrestling a grizzly mother defending her cubs!"

Asked why he put up with his wife's anti-beard regimen, Abrams said he loved his Lingy Lu and that it was hard to find a woman like her in the wilds of North America, where his only companions had been grizzly bears, snakes, deer, raccoons and turtles.

Asked if his wife had changed her mind about beards because he now had a plan, Abrams said she hadn't, but because he was going to her hometown for the Spring Festival, he was going to forget to bring his razor so he could get at least seven days of growth. "When she sees the George S. Patton manliness and the Harry Moore virility of me with facial hair, I hope she will change her mind!" said Abrams.

Wuxi Expats, born in the year of the dragon, to get V.I.P. card for use at all Wuxi China Expatdom businesses

2012-01-18T20:37:00.001-08:00

Fred Minkleman, president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Chamber of Commerce and co-owner of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, announced that a special Dragon V.I.P. Card will be issued to all Wuxi Expats born in the year of the Dragon.

"The Wuxi Expatdom Dragon V.I.P. Card will entitle the bearer to 75 percent discounts on all services and products they purchase at any business in the Wuxi China Expatdom for the entire Chinese Year of the Dragon." said Minkleman to a small group, of ten thousand reporters, at a press conference held in the Buffet Room of the Gambay's wedding chapel. "A passport and another document proving your date of birth must be provided before we issue the card!"

"As a special bonus to the first one hundred Wuxi Expat Dragons, who pick up their V.I.P. cards," added Minkleman, "three get-out-of-jail cards will be issued courtesy of Officer McNulty of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad. These cards will allow Wuxi Expats to get off scot-free if they assault other Expats from France or Russia, or use excessive force in correcting the bad grammar of Wuxi Expat English Teachers!"

Reaction from Wuxi Expats was mixed. English Teacher Andis Kaulins said that he may take advantage of the card and go to a Pub for the first time in years. Duston Short, a Wuxi Expat born in the year of the pig, said it was discrimination against him and other pigs. Other Wuxi Expats, who wanted their names published in the WCE Blog, said that they feared the prospect of seeing the English Teacher Andis Kaulins in the pub.

Wuxi Expat says he will play video games for the entire Chinese New Year holiday

2012-01-18T20:16:00.001-08:00

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Thor Lyndon says he is going to play video games for the entire Chinese New Year holiday.

Said Lyndon: "I don't know what I am going to do with myself! I hear it is too crowded on the streets and in the shops of Wuxi during CNY, so staying at my apartment, sitting on the couch or lying in bed playing video games seems my best option!"

Asked if he was going to go to a pub during the holiday, Lyndon said he had his apartment fully supplied with cases of beer, bought for cheap, at the small shop near his home, so there was no need.

There are two persons named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom

2012-01-17T23:30:00.001-08:00

At a press conference, held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub and attended by over four million newsmen, newswomen, and their hanger-ons, Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association President Andis Kaulins and the English teacher Andis Kaulins announced that they were two different people and that they were tired of being mixed-up by other Wuxi Expats

Said El Presidente: "I was the second Andis Kaulins to come to the Expatdom, and I found it annoying that I had to draw my weapon on people who made sarcastic "Oh my God! He is buying us lunch!" comments after I bought them lunch! Call me a conservative reactionary, a tea-party member, a gun nut, or a hawk on military matters, but don't call me a cheapskate!"

For his part, the English teaching Andis Kaulins said that while his cheapskate reputation was well-earned, he was generous in non-monetary ways like with his punditry in his AKIC blog and staying away from pubs. "I live and let live! I give people the freedom of not associating with me!" insisted the Wuxi China Expatdom's original Andis Kaulins. He then said he had became disconcerted by Spanish Expats walking up to him and saying "Hey Senor Boom Boom!"

Asked about their relationship, the two people named Andis Kaulins said that they were always cordial to each other. Said El Presidente :"To be honest, I don't see the English teaching Andis Kaulins all that much! He works and goes home to his family, and so there no chance of meeting him in a pub! But I do see why other Expats confuse us. We look alike and both have sensible views. But I do have much more money than the English teacher and I can indulge in my pursuit of guns rights for all! English teacher Andis Kaulins said, "El Presidente is an impressive figure of a man! He is the Andis Kaulins I always wanted to be!"

The announcement of two Andis Kaulins Expats was greeted with shocked reactions from some Wuxi Expats, as well as claims from other Expats that they suspected all along that there were two people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Said Wuxi Expat English teacher Duston Short: "Now I know why the El Presidente didn't shoot me as soon as he meet me. The other Andis Kaulins had labelled me human garbage after having seen my work ethic, so I was surprised when he was polite to me after I left the English School the other guy was working at." Owner of the Chestnut Pub Wally Droop said he was shocked to see what he thought was the English teacher Andis Kaulins buying a round of drinks in his pub. "It was the El Presidente being so generous which explained everything! I thought the world had fallen on its head!" said Droop.

Wuxi Expat born in the year of the Dragon resents having to wear red in the Chinese New Year

2012-01-17T07:18:00.001-08:00

Nigel Blair, a Wuxi Expat born in 1964, doesn't like the fact that he has to wear red in the upcoming Chinese New Year.

Blair was told of the fact by his wife who is a local girl. "It is the tradition, I have been told, for everyone to wear red during their animal year of birth. So being a Dragon, I got to wear red after January 22nd!"

Asked why he saw this as some sort of imposition, Blair told the WCE Blog that he hated to wear clothes, was a member in good standing of the Wuxi Naturist Party, and that Groucho Marx was right in seeing clothes-wearing as a sort of bourgeois conceit.

Asked if he could adopt some wearing-of-red strategies that could still see him au naturel while still wearing red (红色), Blair said that his wife "wasn't going to go for it!" Added Blair: "I asked her if I could wear a red hat, tie red strings around my body parts, wear red bows in my hair or have the tattoo artist make my Harry Moore Dragon tattoo more reddish but my wife is insistent! She says she would lose face with her relatives if I didn't wear red pants and shirts!"

Admiral Bridges Delivers Wuxi China Expatdom's Newest Carrier, Basil Rathbone, To Home Port

2012-01-17T00:27:00.000-08:00

WCERN Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges today manouvered
the fleet's newest supercarrier, Basil Rathbone, through the downtown
Expatdom *, en route to the Wuxi Freeport.

Admiral Bridges told the 150,000 journalists and press photographers assembled on the Rathbone's flight-deck that "she, Basil Rathbone, is the most formidable vessel I've had the pleasure to helm".
He said that the new carrier has state-of-the-art electronics, and an array of weaponry including atomic cannons, ack-ack guns, torpedoes, and, "a few other
bang-bangs that I'm not at liberty to reveal", he said.

With the dexterity of a surgeon, Admiral Bridges deftly steered the carrier
through the throngs, and the traffic at a stately steady-as-she-goes 25 knots.
"The Rathbone is amphibious", the Admiral continued, "just like a frog - as agile on land as she is on the high seas".

Standing proudly at the bow, Admiral Bridges inhaled deeply, expanding his
cavernous and broad manly chest. "It's here", he told the reporters, "when I gaze out across the rooftop of GOME, and catch the heady tang of Taihu, well, it makes my old sailor's heart skip a beat!".

Basil Rathbone will be moored at Lake Taihu where she will be fitted-out.
Next month, Her Majesty Queen Ayira will perform the time-honoured launching ceremony by hurling a six-pack of Tsingtao at the new carrier.

[*Note - the photographer who captured the above-image can't be contacted, so the precise location isn't known. If any Expats recognise this part of the Expatdom,
please let the editor know].

Wuxi Expat almost has wallet snatched

2012-01-14T22:10:00.001-08:00

Deloris Morris, Wuxi Expat, almost had her purse snatched on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street Saturday evening.

Morris said she was walking the street about 900 p.m. when a pair of Caucasian foreigners approached her and asked her for directions to Gambay's Pub. When she went into her purse to give them a Gambay's business card with directions, one of men grabbed her arm while the other took her wallet which was full of money and contained her passport. The men then knocked her to the ground and fled.

Fortunately for Morris, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Officer McNulty was on the scene. Hearing Morris's screams, McNulty pursued the men until they turned down an alleyway with a dead end. McNulty, in an interview with the WCE blog, afterwards said that he put the meaning of "dead" in dead end when he administered his idiosyncratic brand of divine retributive uncongenial unequiponderant unconditional justice to the "miscreants."

McNulty returned the wallet to Morris who thanked McNulty saying "You is my hero! I wants to gave you a biggest kiss!" McNulty sternly responded "Listen Miss! You should say You are my hero! I would like to give you a big kiss!"

"I then went to the hospital and the doctors told me that the wallet would be embedded permanently in my forehead for a while!" said Morris. "But it could have been a whole lot worse if I had lost my cash and passport. And the fervent kiss McNulty gave me after correcting my grammar made my knees shake!"

Mob almost lynches Wuxi Expat

2012-01-13T19:20:00.001-08:00

Thor Lyndon, a Wuxi Expat from America, was forced to run for his life from a mob bent on hanging him.

Lyndon had gone to to meet some other Expats at a lesser known pub in the 1912 Bar District. What began as an evening of drinks and chat nearly became deadly as the group, Lyndon was with, became enraged at him.

Lyndon had taken part in a commercial for an English Training Center he was working for. The day of the commercial shot, Lyndon came to school with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. Saying he hadn't been informed of the recording, Lyndon said he would have turned out properly otherwise. As it was, he was embarrassed by his appearance and vowed to never watch the commercial.

The commercial had been shown for a few days in Wuxi, when Lyndon went to the pub in the 1912 Bar District. The other Expats, at the bar, had seen the commercial and made jokes about Lyndon's messy hair and bloodshot eyes. Lyndon told the WCE blog that he expected this and thought that he would have to stand the ribbing and kidding for a few days.

Said Lyndon: "Our mob was its friendly old self. Everyone was insulting everyone else, but it was all in good fun and we knew that no one really meant it! But then the mob took on a different frame of mind. The ribbing became serious. One person said I had embarrassed myself. Another then said I had embarrassed all Expats in the eyes of the locals. The next thing I knew, someone pulled out a noose, and I was forced to run away from the clutches of arms trying to hold me down so as to put the noose around my neck."

Lyndon fled the pub with the mob on his tail. He was fortunate that just as his stamina was flagging and the mob was catching up to him, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Officer McNulty came on the scene. Said Lyndon "He saved my life! When the mob saw McNulty they fled, and I knew that as long as McNulty was around, I had no need to worry about further retribution! I thanked McNulty and said to him, "You save my life!" McNulty then said, "That should be You saved my life punk! and he dealt me his eccentric brand of divinely sanctioned rough house full contact body slam justice! Going to the doctor later, they told me that the edition of Fowler's English Usage will be permanently embedded in my forehead for a while, but it is a small price to pay for having McNulty save my life. Usually, he looks at me contemptuously!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Police cracking down on English Teacher grammar errors.

2012-01-12T21:23:00.001-08:00

Officer McNulty, acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has begun a campaign to crack down on the bad grammar of Wuxi Expat English Teachers. He announced the details of Operation Hephaestion at an impromptu press conference held outside Dangle's Participle Pub.

McNulty told the assembled media that a million officers would be involved in the Operation, and that he had also received commitments from the Wuxi China Expatdom Armed Forces for assistance in the crackdown on bad grammar habits. Said McNulty: "Beside the million police officers, General Colonel Harlan Sanders of the WCE Land Force has pledged armor and artillery assistance: WCERAF Air Marshall Gregory Peck says his ten thousand bombers will be on the highest alert for as long as it takes us to improve the grammar of the English teachers; and WCERN Admiral Lloyd Bridges has told me that if need be, we can use his aircraft carriers and that the 200m cannons of his battleships can easily rain down fire on any English teachers where ever they may be in the Expatdom!"

McNulty said that Operation Hephaestion's basic philosophy was to be harshly unforgiving of English teachers making grammar mistakes. "Teachers if they are lucky, will get sixty days in solitary confinement if they are caught dangling a participle or misplacing a modifier, two years of hard labour if they make errors of tense, and four years of very hard labor if they make vocabulary usage errors. And when I say "if" they are lucky, I mean that is what they will get if they are not caught by me. If I catch them misplacing modifiers and mixing up the three conditionals, I will personally deal them my eccentric brand of divine, retributive, paradigm-shifting, uncongenial justice!"

Evidence of McNulty's seriousness could be seen in and around Dangle's Participle Pub where many moaning and beaten English Teachers were sprawled on the floor and sidewalk, floating in the nearby canal, and strewn on nearby roofs and trees. "This bunch, once they recover, will be reviewing their Funk & Wagnall's and Fowler's!" exclaimed McNulty.

Wuxi English Teachers, asked to comment on Operation Hephaestion, said they were terrified, but grudgingly admitted that Office McNulty had a point. Duston Short, an English Teacher at DIE English School, said "My grammar bad. So me scared. I go buy me dictionary and the grammar book. My want not to hurt be!" Another teacher at DIE, Steve Obstacle, said that he would keep his mouth shut from now on.

Wuxi Expat says he is coming on!

2012-01-12T20:31:00.001-08:00

Wuxi Expat Lee Lyons said he was coming on in an interview with the WCE blog.

Said Lyons: "I may be right and I may be wrong, but I got to do something before the day is done!"

Asked what he was going to do, Lyons wasn't very specific: "Could be small or it could be big, but it has got to be something that I can dig. It may be good or it may be bad, but I got to do something or I will go mad. It may be cool or it may be hot, but I got to do something that I need a lot!"

His female companion, who was beside him during the interview, began to worry at his declaration and started to cry; and Lyons tried to soothe her by saying: "Oh baby! Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry! You shouldn't do that!"

After finally being able to soothe her and even make her smile, Lyons exclaimed: "I coming on! Well baby, I coming on! Yeah Babe, I coming on! Babe! Babe! I coming on!"

Another Wuxi Expat and friend of Lyons, Leo Alvin, said that it was good to see that after ten years, Lyons was finally coming on.

Hair Stylist Vittorio Besieged By Wuxi China Expats Wanting The Mitt

2012-01-12T01:32:00.000-08:00

Wuxi China Expatdom's foremost men's hair-stylist, Vittorio, has been rushed off his feet. "My salon, La Dolce Vita,", he said, "can't keep-up with the demand from Expat men wanting the new ultra-cool Mitt style - I've had to hire another 128 stylists!".

Harry Moore, the WCE Film Appreciation Society president,emerged from Vittorio's sporting shiny, slickback strands. "I'm quite pleased", he said, "however I don't look anywhere near as great as the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association El Presidente' Andis Kaulins".

"Andis Kaulins is, characteristically, impeccably-coiffed. His Mitt gives him a commanding, reassuring, and, unstoppable aura".

WCERA Presidente' Andis Kaulins smiled "Yes, and what's more, my restyled locks are gel, and mousse-free!".

WCE lady-Expats are believed to be putting the finishing-touches to their new
style, the alabaster-blonde Newt.

Wuxi Expat engineer doesn't know if he will ever wear clothes again!

2012-01-11T21:39:00.001-08:00

Saul Munger, a Wuxi Expat engineer, says he loves the Naturist lifestyle he discovered in the Wuxi China Expatdom and that he doesn't know how he would ever go back to wearing clothes.

Said Munger: "I like having a wash-and-wear body. I am as free as bird! I get up, take a shower, comb my hair, and go to work -- it takes me all of twenty minutes. Shortening my morning routine, I am sleeping better and longer. I come to work refreshed. My co-engineers tell me I am seem happier since I ceased being encumbered with clothing. Throw off your clothes and you throw off the weight of the world! I always say. Now, my closets are filled with the things I really want: Ming Vases, DVDs, rare books, and my golf clubs. The minister at my local church tells me I am his best parishioner because I show God I love the things he gave me! I now also love singing in the choir -- no clothes, no inhibitions, I always say! And of course, my love life is better. Women can see my sincerity!"

Munger's Naturist hero is Harry Moore: best selling author of the Poolside Harry Moore, two-time inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, godfather of Wuxi China Expatdom Prince Hayek the Mighty, Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies and the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society. "Harry, I tell you, he is the man that every man should aspire to if he chooses to be a Naturist. Harry has the sunny optimism of a Ronald Reagan combined with the coolness of Steve McQueen. He's those two guys without the clothes! Amazing!"

Acting Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector breaks up sicko film ring in Venice Gardens

2012-01-10T07:32:00.001-08:00

Officer McNulty, the acting chief inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom, says he has broken up, what he called a "sicko film ring" in Wuxi's Venice Gardens, a popular villa compound for Wuxi China Expatdomites in the south west of Wuxi.

Said McNulty "I was shocked I tell you! Shocked, to learn that some of the residents were watching the most god awful movies that could be bought at Wuxi DVD shops. These people just have no taste! And they would then pass on the DVDs onto to other Venice Gardens residents."

McNulty showed some of the DVDs, which he confiscated, to the Wuxi China Expatdom Blogspot staff. Among the thousands of DVDs were grade "b" science fiction, slasher movies and sex comedies. "It would have broken Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's Harry Moore's heart to see the tripe that these people were watching, I thought to myself." said McNulty. "So, I dealt these Venice Gardeners -- it behooves me to call them Wuxi Expats -- my eccentric brand of paradigm-shifting justice. But I gave them a choice this time, unlike the other times where the guilty had no choice. I said I could either leave them unable to watch movies, unable to use the bathroom standing up, or forever unable to eat solid foods... Strange how so many residents of Venice Gardens value their bowel movements --a thing I will remember when I make my next visit to the Chestnut Pub!"

His most honorableness, President and Minister Moore, praised McNulty's methods in dealing with the Venice Gardeners. "Vigilance in the defense of good cinematic taste is no vice!" said Moore, while on a break from casting for the upcoming Wuxi China Expatdom Mammoth Pictures production of Harry Moore and the One Hundred Fifty Bond Girls.

New Pub for English Teachers opens on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie

2012-01-10T07:02:00.001-08:00

The owners of Dangle's Participle, the one pub in Wuxi that caters to English Teachers, is opening a second pub for English Teachers on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie pub street.

Henry Watson Fowler, head of the ownership group running Dangle's, say the new pub will be called Misplace's Modifiers. "We have got a prime location for M's M not too far from the main road so you won't have to walk a mile to find us! As well, we will have a boardwalk which overlooks the canal so you can go swimming or wash your hair!"

Asked how drinks would be priced, Fowler said the drinks would be so cheap that even Andis Kaulins, Wuxi's most notorious cheapstake, may become a patron.

Wuxi Expat says he will stay in bed for the whole Spring Festival

2012-01-10T06:45:00.001-08:00

Felix Navada, English Teacher working at the Dunghill Kindergarten in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi, says he is going to stay in bed for the whole Spring Festival holiday.

Said Navada: "I get nine days off. There isn't any point in going anywhere 'cause its too crowded. Facto Ipso, there is no point in leaving the apartment. Cetibus Quid Bono Phono, I will stay in bed for all of the Spring Festival. I may not even get up to use the bathroom! It is, after all, my destiny!"

Navada said he got the idea to not get out of bed by attending a Self-Help Seminar put on by a Doctor Phil Zaius.

Patrons of Dangle's Participle, a pub serving Wuxi English teachers, say that Navada doesn't like to get up at the best of times.

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Triplets Are Already Full Grown!

2012-01-08T05:48:00.001-08:00

Hayek the Mighty, Buckley the Mighty and Friedman the Mighty: the three sons of Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: The Chosen One, are already full grown and each has preternatural talents in many fields announced WCE Royal media spokesman Burt Machiavelli at a press conference held in the Royal Media Center of the WCE Royal Palace in the Shuo Feng District of Wuxi, China. The press conference gave to the world the first news about the development of the WCE Royal Triplets since they were born on Christmas Day, over two weeks ago. An estimated six million media persons attended the press conference making it the most attended press conference in World history.

The record crowd of press people and their hanger-ons learned that the Royal Triplets, possessing the blood of an Azananian Princess and a Mighty Galactic King, grew and matured at a prodigious rate. Announced Machiavelli: "The Royal Triplets were weaned off breast-feeding after three hours. They were completely toilet-trained at six hours after birth. They were talking twelve hours after birth. After four days, they had graduated from middle school. After a week, they aced their final exams to earn their high-school diplomas. Hayek lost his virginity ten days after being born. Buckely wrote his first best-selling non-fiction book: God and Man at Wuxi Number One People's High School eleven days after his birth. Friedman wrote his authoritative history of the monetary aspect of the Great Fiscal Crisis of 2007 and is currently in America hunting down the charlatan Paul Krugman!"

Machiavelli then mentioned the numerous other talents the Royal Triplets have shown. "Hayek seems to have a virility nearly comparable to that of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Famer Harry Moore. He is also a great baseball player, dancer, singer, guitar player, and champion Mah Jong player. Buckley is the intellectual of the bunch and shown a great aptitude for brain surgery, rocket science, biochemistry, physics, engineering, philosophy, theology, architecture and politics. Friedman is already a great economist, an amazing actor and all-around athlete -- yesterday, he defeated the Current European Club Champions Barcelona four to three in a thrilling eleven--against-one football match, just after he performed Hamlet at the Wuxi China Expatdom Players Theater! Friedman can also run 100 meters in eight seconds and bench-press Micheal Moore and the Titanic!"

The news of the Royal Triplets fast growth and maturity enraptured and thrilled many a Wuxi Expat. Blogger and English Teacher Andis Kaulins said he welcomed the news of the Triplets' rapid growth saying it would give him plenty of things to write about in his blog about the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Prominent Wuxi Expats see the Triplets having a great future. Harry Moore, Hayek's godfather and a best-selling author, said he looked forward to taking Hayek under his wing and grooming him to be his successor as President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society and even as the WCE Minister of Colonies. "I have so much on the table. I have to supervise colonies in Asia and South America, and probably the rest of the world after that. I have to be on top of the Cinema, past and present. And I think Hayek is the boy who can help me. He has got piercing dark eyes, glistening dark locks of hair, and a sunny disposition. He reminds me of when I was young. And I am so impressed by his knowledge of the films of David Lean!"