Friday, January 10, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
New Wuxi Expat Pub for Progressives to Open January 17, 2014
The
Juicy Fruit Progressive Pub, located in Wuxi's thriving Nanchang Jie
Bar Area, is scheduled to open January 17th.
The
Owner of the Juicy Fruit, Willy Wingle Wangle, says that his pub will
have drink specials and live bands every night. “Make sure to tell
everyone that on Friday Night, Banana Daiquiris will be fifty percent
off or two for the regular price of one!” said Wangle when
interviewed by WCE Blogspot.
Wangle
also wanted to boast of his pub's facilities. “Our five floors
will offering varying atmospheres for those who like it quiet, those
who like it rough and rowdy, those it like it jolly, and and those
who want some privacy for moments of intimacy!”
Asked
if his pub was going to participate in the 2014 Wuxi, China Year of
the Firearm, Wangle said he would. “I have a passion for firearms,
whether they be bazookas, rifles, or handguns. I prefer big calibers but I won't walk away from small calibers with rapid rates of fire!
It is all good, and as the saying goes: A well-armed pub clientele
makes for a politer pub!”
Asked
if he was taking away business from the already established Pink
Kitty Pub owned by Wally Droop was insistent that the presence of my
pub will bring more progressives out to the Nanchang Bar Street Area.
“I think I will make a super-duper profit and darling Wally will
triple his business. Customers having a tiff with him can come visit
me, and those who have a tiff with me can go to his pub. It's all to
the good!”
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Wuxi Expats Go to the Firing Range after Attending Church on Sunday
Above: Members of the congregation of the Wuxi Christian Church spend their Sunday afternoons at the firing range.
"Guns, Jesus, and Sarah Palin!" they all exclaimed.
Archduke Sir Harry Moore Wins the 2013 Wuxi Expat Best Legs Award
Archduke
Sir Harry Moore has won his second consecutive Wuxi Expat Best Legs
Award.
He
beat out ten other nominees for the award including Raquel Welch,
U.S. Vice President Joe Biden, pop singer PSY, the lead singer of the
K-Pop band Brown Eyed Girls, and German Chancellor Andrea Merkel.
Andis
Kaulins, the AKIC blogger, said Moore's victory wasn't just a case of
him using the same legs that won him the award for 2012.
“It was a
case of Moore pulling off one of the most audacious strategy changes
in human history. Imagine the 1927 Yankees deciding to drop Babe
Ruth and Lou Gerhig from the line-up because they weren't excellent
enough. Imagine Capital Records cancelling its contract with Frank
Sinatra in the 1950s in hopes of finding a more excellent singer.
Imagine the Marx Brothers kicking out Groucho in hopes of finding
someone more witty. That may give you an idea of the sheer
courageousness of what the Archduke pulled off in 2013.”
“Archduke
Harry wasn't happy with the state of his legs in January 2013. Sure,
they had won him the most prestigious leg award in human history, but
it just wasn't good enough for Harry, the most perfect perfectionist
humanity has ever known. Harry, with legs that would make Betty
Grable proud, said it wasn't good enough. He wanted legs that would
make Angie Dickinson proud as well. So he changed his training
regimen. He fired his staff (but gave them 2 years severance pay)
who had help him win the 2012 best legs award. He then proceeded to
run two marathons a day and spend 17 hours a day in the weight room
to get his legs looking just the way he wanted which was radically
different from what they had looked like in December 2012. He could
have had surgeons transplant his legs but he choose instead to be the
first person in human history to change the look of his legs through
hard work and sheer will. All the while, he was solving world
hunger, delivering ten award-winning film lectures a week, and
writing thirty five best selling books, fiction and non-fiction.”
“Archduke
Harry incredibly changed his legs from being Betty Grablesque to
Angie Dickinsonian. It would have been like Frank Sinatra turning
himself into Ella Fitzgerald, Omar Bradley turning himself into
George S Patton, and Bob Cousy becoming Bill Russell.”
The
announcement, of Moore's winning the award, was made by His Majesty
King Gorzo the Mighty on the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S.
Ronald Reagan currently docked at the Wuxi Freeport on Lake Taihu.
The
announcement caused millions of Wuxi Expats, to brave smoggy air, to
celebrate on the streets. One Expat, Jack Lyndon, said it was the
greatest night of his life to be in Wuxi at the time of Archduke
Harry winning a best legs award. “I can now go to my grave
satisfied!” said Lyndon.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Six Year Old Tony Kaulins is the 2013 China Expat of the Year.
Six
year old Tony Kaulins, who lives in Wuxi, China with his parents
Jenny & Andis, has been awarded the inaugural 2013 China Expat of
the Year award.
Coleshow
“Huang Shan” Landis, Commissioner of the China Expat of the Year
selection committee, said that Tony Kaulins earned the honour by
being everything a China Expat should be in 2013. “Mister
Kaulins,” said Landis, “lived in China without pretence. He
didn't go around pretending to be another know-it-all would-be
Sinologist. He engaged with the culture by avoiding any institution
or event that hinted of his being a foreigner in China. He attended
a typical Chinese primary school, eschewing schools for foreign
children. And best of all, unlike most male expats who come to China
to do no good things to the local woman, Mister Kaulins played with
his train set and his father's Ipad. He maintained his innocence and
that of the woman around him. He was a true gentleman.”
The
2013 China Expat of the Year award is the second expat honor Tony
has received in his time in China. He was previously named AKIC's2010 Wuxi Expat of the Year.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sarah Palin is the 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year
Sarah
Palin is the 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year.
The
announcement was made by Kenneshaw “Hui Shan” Landis at a press
conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of the Gambay's Pub
II in Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street area.
Landis
defended the decision. “I am sure there a few who would question
the decision to name the controversial conservative firebrand the
Wuxi Expat of the year, but we have many good reasons. For one
thing, we have a lot to answer for in decisions we have previously
made in giving out the award. We have to make up for the fact that
we caught up in the euphoria of the Obama election of 2008 and named
him the Wuxi Expat of the year of 2009. And in 2012, we named the
execrable blogger Andrew Cowlinch the Wuxi Expat of the year. Wuxi
Expats were right to riot after that decision – Archduke Sir Harry
Moore was cheated. We wanted to give Moore the 2013 award but he
refused to accept nominations, and suggested that we name Sarah Palin
in his stead. Impressed and shamed by his chivalry, we immediately
bowed to his request and gave Palin the nomination. Of course, Sarah
was head and shoulders above the other nominees most of whom were
effeminate in some way or questionable in morality in another.”
Landis
then spoke for an hour praising Palin. He praised Palin for “her
supreme good sense,” “not being Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, or
Hugo Chavez,” “her excellent work on television,” “her
defence of Phil Robertson,” “her solid admiration for the spirit
of freedom prevailing in the Wuxi China Expatdom,” “her defence
of the unborn,” “her fabulous good looks,” “her being like
Archduke Sir Harry Moore if he would have been a female,” and
“setting an example of all other Wuxi Expats about how to be.”
For
her part, Palin said that receiving the 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year
award was a bigger honor than being asked to to take
vice-presidential spot on the 2008 Republican Ticket. “And while
it was a great regret to have lost the 2008 election, it pales with
the disappointment I feel that I never got to be the mother of
Archduke Sir Harry Moore's children. Don't get me wrong, my husband
Todd is a great man and would certainly earn a spot in the Wuxi Expat
Hall of Fame if he lived in Wuxi, but Sir Harry is a stud with his
tousled locks of black hair, his golden smile, and his statue of
David physique.
Tech Innovator, Philanthropist, Male Model, Paul Rudkin is the 2013 Shanghai Expat of the Year.
In
an announcement that confirmed what everyone knew or had already
suspected, Kenneshaw Pudong Landis, commissioner of the Shanghai
Expat Association, told the world that Paul Rudkin was the 2013
Shanghai, China Expat of the Year.
Mister
Rudkin is the Trinity personified!” said Landis. He is pure
awesomeness in three aspects as a tech innovator, a philanthropist,
and a Male Model. I suspect that as long as he lives in Shanghai,
the Shanghai Expat of the Year Award will be his. We may well just
have to name it after him.”
Rudkin
is responsible for some of the best tech innovations of the year
including the Iwaffle app, the Ibottle to Crown Royal Whiskey app,
and the Isteak app. “Being able to have your Ipad make waffles and
steak, and pour you a drink!” is awesome said AKIC blogger Andis
Kaulins. Bono, lead singer of U2, said that Rudkin has found a way
to feed the starving of the world using Ipads.
Rudkin's
generosity knows no bounds. In 2013, he gave billions and billions
to charities all over Shanghai and South Korea. He even bought three
poor Shanghai families houses and cars.
“You'd
think he was the government or robbed a money the way he gives away
money. But audits reveal that he has earned, by the sweat of his
brow and his amazing investment acumen, every cent of the millions of
dollars he has given away to charity.” said the ghost of Mother
Teresa.
But
it is his golden locks of tousled brown hair and his statue of David
physique that earn him the most praise.
“His
good looks are his ultimate gift to the world!” said Oprah Winfrey.
“Don't
get me wrong. I am a heterosexual male but when The True Git walks
into a room that I happen to be in, I get a tingle up one my legs and
then down the other.” said Chris Matthews, the MSNBC Shanghai
Bureau Chief.
“I
want to bear to his children if I was a female and a super model!”
said comedian Adam Carolla.
“We
want to bear his children!” said the Swedish Bikini Team.
“I
can't believe he is my husband!” said Rudkin's wife Lilly.
This
is first of many awards Rudkin is expected to win this year. He is
also in the running for an Oscar for best leading actor in the Film
Gravity, a Pulitzer for his good looks, a Nobel Prize for Male
Virility, People Magazine's Sexiest Male of 2013, and tech innovator
of the year from Compute Magazine.
World
leaders praised the choice.
Pope
Francis praised Rudkin and said that he may be canonized this year
making Rudkin the first Saint to ever be canonized while still
awhile.
Canadian
Prime Minister Stephen Harper wants to honor Rudkin by changing the
name of his country to Git Land.
Not
to be outdone by his northern neighbors, President Obama wants to
change the name of his country to the U.S.G. The G standing for Git.
It may be the only idea President Obama has had that will earn
bi-partisan support. Rush Limbaugh and Tea Party activists have
praised decision. Chants of U.S.G.! U.S.G.! U.S.G.! could be heard
all over America whether Red States or Blue.
Monday, December 30, 2013
2014 to be the Year of the Firearm in Wuxi, China
2014 will be the year of the firearm in the Wuxi China Expatdom.
Andrew Cowlinch, President of the Wuxi China Expat Rifle Association, made the declaration at the WCERA annual Christmas and Western New Year dinner held at the Yuval Levin Pavilion of McClintock's Bar & Grill in the Nanchang Jie Bar Street Area of Wuxi.
"2014 will be a great year for gun and freedom lovers in Wuxi, China. The WCERA will hold many events to celebrate firearms including competitions, bullet raffles and sock hops. We will open at least 100 new firing ranges all over the Wuxi, Jiangying and Yixing area. Best of all, gun lovers who take their firearms to any Expat business in the Wuxi, Jiangying and Yixing area will receive incredible discounts and free merchandise!"
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
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