Wuxi Expat Says That Now Is The Time for Healing

Wuxi Expat Duston Short says that now is the time for healing.

The Expat who hurt his head when he tried to stick it in the toilet at the Pink Kitty Night Club, tells the WCE Blog that he wished other Wuxi Expats would stop talking about his mishap.  

Forgetting to see if the toilet was flushed before inserting his head, Short said he became instantly nauseous and got a concussion when his head banged against the edge of the toilet bowl.  Short had tried to insert his head in the toilet after being told it might have some fallen change in it.

"I think it is fine time that everyone put the incident behind them and stop making jokes about me.  Time for the process of my head healing to begin!" declared Short.

Humid Summer Weather Doesn't Stop Wuxi Expat from Wearing Long Underwear

One Wuxi Expat has resolutely refused to go about his business nude during Wuxi's humid summer where temperatures of thirty five celsius can make an Expat feel like he is in a furnace.

Hans Zimmerman, oblivious to the giggles of the locals, walks around Wuxi wearing his biege Stanfield brand long underwear.  Zimmerman married his underwear in 2010, thanks the Wuxi China Expatdom's marriage law permitting human and inanimate objects to marry.  "To walk in the nude would violate the vows I made at my marriage!" insisted Zimmerman, who hails from Bavaria.

Wuxi Expats Mostly Don't Care about the Olympics Being Held in London

Olympic Fever is not gripping the Wuxi China Expatdom despite the fact that it has been predicted that Wuxi Expats are going to win all the Gold medals at the London games.

"Ho Hum!  Tweedlee-di!  said one Wuxi Expat when asked if he was looking forward to watching the Olympics.  

Other Wuxi Expats offered similar sentiments when asked about their feeling about the London Olympics.  "

Who cares!" said Andis Kaulins, the president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association.  

"What are the Olympics!" said an Expat from Ontario, Canada.  

"Momma Mia!  Watch the Olympicipia!  Blow it out your ass!" said the owner of a Italian Restaurant.

"God damn Fascists!  I never forgave the IOC for giving Hitler the games!" said long-time Wuxi Expat Larry Drysdale.

"I didn't take no stereos!" said a Jamaican Canadian Poet and English Teacher Ben Jonson.

"The Wuxi China Expatdom is the true arena for world universal achievement!" said Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore.

"Crocodile Pie!  Crocodile Pie!  They don't serve it at the Olympics so what is the point!" said Wally Droop, the owner of the Chestnut Pub, the Walnut Pub and the Pink Kitty.  It is rumoured that Droop never got over the cancellation of the Gay Olympics because of an IOC injunction.

A Wuxi Sexpat told the WCE Blog that the games would be taking place early in the morning when he was doing his best work, nudge nudge, wink wink.

"There is no killing in the Olympics so what is the point?" said the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor.

Wuxi Expat Denies He is Gay and Insane

Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins thought he was posting a cute photo of him and his son last week.  Little did he know that posting the photo immediately from his Ipod Touch to his blog would lead to allegations that he was gay and insane.

Rare readers of his blog immediately jumped on the fact that Kaulins was wearing a red sleeve-less shirt and had had cut his hair very short.  A commenter said that the haircut made him look like a member of the Village People, and then added that no straight man would wear a muscle shirt.  He then agreed with another reader who said he needed his head examined.

Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not to be confused with Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Elite Expat Association, denied both allegations in an interview with Pierce Double Happiness of the WCE Blog.  "Firstly, I have to say:  Sure, I liked a couple songs by Bronski Beat back in the day, I am a Morrissey fan and I did write homo-erotic tributes to the Ayatollah of Mordor, but in the first two cases I just liked their music and in the latter case, the tributes were so over the top that only the most obtuse would not know they were jokes meant to pierce the imperial manner of the Ayatollah!  Currently, I like Milton Friedman and Rush Limbaugh!  So, how can I be gay?  And as for the muscle shirt, well my wife bought it for me!  And she also agreed to my getting my hair cut so short which I got so my Winnipeg Jets Cap would fit more comfortably!  Secondly:  I have already thought I was crazy.  But then I read somewhere that crazy people are absolutely convinced of their sanity!  So as long as I an not convinced of my sanity and even partially agree with my critics who say I am crazy, I can't be crazy!"

Wuxi Expats, after hearing the denials of Kaulins, said that he wasn't probably gay but hen-pecked, but that the jury was still deliberating about his sanity.

Giant Crocodile eats Twenty Wuxi Expat Swimmers at Lake Taihu

There is little sympathy in the Wuxi China Expatdom for the twenty Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada who were eaten when they decided to go swimming in waters in Lake Taihu infested with Giant Crocodiles.

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force Chief Inspector Detective Harry Callahan told the WCE Blog that the Expats from Ontario, Canada had been warned repeatedly not to go swimming in the crocidile-infested waters near Turtlehead Park on Lake Taihu.  "I told them and I told them and I told them and I told them!  What is with people from Ontario, Canada?  They are the dumbest punks you are ever going to meet!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Lloyd Bridges was especially annoyed at the Ontario, Canada Expats.  "I was making my way through the fifth season of the Wire.  A great show I might add!  And then I get a phonecall asking me to wrestle some big crocodile to the death!  I did of course.  But I am angry at the hour of my life lost having to save the rest of those people from Ontario, Canada!"  Over three hundred Expats from Ontario, Canada went swimming near Turtlehead Park and thought it was a great idea to wear fish in their swim trunks.

Wally Dundee, a Wuxi Expat from Australia was even more annoyed at the Ontario, Canada Expats.  The crocodile that Admiral Bridges had to wrestle to the death was Angus, one of a bloody lot of crocs brought to Lake Taihu from Australia by Dundee.  "Oh!  How I will miss Angus!  Of all the Crocs I brought with me with me from Brisbane, he was my right best favorite!  I don't think I will be able to get pissed tonight!  I'm so sad!"

His Majesty the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, was said to have shed a tear when he heard of the death of Angus the Giant Crocidile.  He immediately declared that Monday, July 23 would be an official day of mourning for Angus the Crocidile with WCE Flags to be flown at half-mast, and all Expatdomites to wear black arm bands.  "I haven't felt this sad since Sarah Palin announced she wasn't running for the U.S. presidency!  said his majesty.

Chortlers and Guffawers of the Wuxi China Expatdom currently engaged in a war of chuckling declared a cease-laugh effective till Tuesday, July 24th.  "It is not a good time to laugh!" said  Sam "slap knee" McClintock Hardy Hardy Hardy Har Har.  "I am gonna miss that Angus but I ain't gonna be missing those Ontarified Wuxi Expats however!"

Prominent landmarks around the Wuxi China Expatdom have been turned into shrines to Angus the Crocodile.  At the 888m tall statue of Archduke Harry Moore on the grounds of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, thousands of wreaths and toy crocodiles have been laid by grieving Wuxi China Expatdomites.

Cuban Tobacco Crisis: Castro Threatens WCE English Teachers With New Cold Turkey

Caribean-Strongman Fidel Castro has warned that the Wuxi China Expatdom's Expat smokers
will have their tobacco shipments cut-off, perhaps sometime soon.  Sources close to Prime Minister Mango said that a team of analysts are presently trying to make sense of Mr Castro's 5,875-page media statement, in which are believed to be ominous hints of a tobacco-emabargo.

The Cuban-utopia produces 98% of the world's tobacco, of which 50% is smoked by Senor Castro, and the other 50% by Bill Clinton.

Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, is reportedly "frantic" that he can't find a pack of cigarettes anywhere in the Expatdom. In worse condition is WCE Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore, who said that he "can't last another two seconds without a Hong He', a Lucky Strike, or a Nanjing Hong; - please, please, please,Mr Castro, -anyone!,  I'm really desperate here!". Harry Moore has shaken-out the pockets of his pants countless times in vain attempts to find some shreds.

In view of the fact that a crisis always deepens, PM Mango contacted Coffee Annan, UN Special Envoy, to act as mediator before things deepen even deeper, however  Coffee Annan is much too busy right now.
Former Hollywood actor Tom Skerrit, now a retired Expat living at Lake Lihu, has been asked to bring his considerable diplomat/negotiator acting talents to-bear in a bid to resolve the impasse.
"Be glad to", said Tom. Mr Skerrit, who specialised in playing movie-roles of the Senior Advisor to the Chief Executive, which always involved him sitting at a great big table (big enough for constructing great model railroads on), adopting a furrowed brow; a serious, ultra-worried mien; an occasional raised eyebrow, and, speaking to actors sitting across the great big table who played top-ranking military specialists, and who all used expressions like "and what exactly are your people telling you?!", "that's affirmative", "on my desk at 0900 hours", and "AWACS".

PM Mango implored Expats to remain calm. "Be kind to Expat English teachers, please", he asked.
"Please spare them a drag, if you have any cigarettes left in your packs".

Employment Wanted: Native Speaker Seeks English-Teaching Job in the WCE. Have Own Transport.

Canadian English Teacher in Wuxi, China Experiences Metaphysical Uncertainty Because of His Pair of Chinese Underwear.

Andis Kaulins, a Canadian English Teacher in Wuxi, China, tells the WCE Blog that he has been experiencing Metaphysical Uncertainty because of a pair of underwear his Chinese wife bought for him.  "The underwear's label, which has the size and manufacturing information and which I have grown to expect to be on the inside of the underwear at the back above the crack of the ass, is not where it should be on my Chinese underwear.  Or at least it is not where I think it should be.  It seems that the manufacturers, of this underwear that my wife bought for me, meant the label to be at the back above the crack, but on the outside!  I first thought I was wearing my underwear inside-out, but the way the pattern and sewing patterns are on this particular pair of underwear, it just can't be.  The label has to worn on the outside and yet I don't feel comfortable about it because I have lost my sense of having metaphysical certainty."

English Teacher Kaulins, who has made very specific instructions in the interview that it be known that he was not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins living in Wuxi who was the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the other Andis Kaulins living in Wuxi who was the President of the Wuxi Elite Expat Association,  has been so shaken by his Chinese underwear experience that he talked of a dramatic paradigm shift happening to his world view.  "I have been reading the texts of the major religious faiths and of all the great philosophical schools from all seven continents throughout all of human history.  And as always, I end up reading Harry Moore's great work of photography and prose:  The Poolside Harry Moore.  Moore in his fine book through his great writing and his great posing comes closest as any writer and male model I have ever seen and read to explaining human existence.  He is 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 percent there toward explaining it all.  But I need to find that missing 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 percent so I am afraid I am going to have to create a new school of philosophy and find the missing metaphysical Higgs-Boson thing-a-ma-jiggie that explains everything like the label being on the outer side of my underwear!.  The poolside Harry Moore doesn't provide solace on this one score!"

The Wuxi Expat Community's reactions to the reflections of ET Andis Kaulins about his underwear have been less than receptive.  Many have said that ET Kaulins is wasting his time because the Poolside Harry Moore is so outstanding and will remain the book to read about philosophy and living life for a thousand years.  "And besides ET Kaulins is no longer in his physical prime and growing bald on top.  To write and pose for a book like the Poolside Harry Moore, one has to be at the peak of one's mental and physical prowess.  ET Kaulins is over the hill!" said one Expat named Clint.  One Wuxi Expat Engineer, speaking at Gambay's Pub, told the WCE Blog that he had a factory to run and had no time for silly philosophical speculations.  " Geez! I wish I could be an English teacher.  Those guys have too much time on their hands if they have time to change their paradigms!"  

Wuxi China English Teacher from England No Longer Has the Runs

Sir Guy Battersee, an English English Teacher teaching at Instant Replay English, told the WCE Blog that he no longer has the runs and so won't have to call in sick to work.

"For a week, all that was coming out of ass, when I had to take a poo, was water.  And it always seemed that two-thirds of the way into a class, I was summoned to the throne, if you get my gist.  And if I didn't get to the throne, a geyser would be let off prematurely!"  said Battersee from Stemly Tinkleton-Stokes on the Thames not all that far from Manchester.

Battersee figures he got the runs from something he ate at a Spanish restaurant near his school.  "You know how it is with those Spick restaurants.  Sometimes, you have a heavenly meal; sometimes, you don't!"

Battersee says he finally got over the runs when his companion Glenda, a local girl, bought him some medicine.  "After a day after of taking three yellow tablets three times a day, my poo became solid again.  A heary Yorkshire poo sort of solid.  The kind of solid poo that allowed Englishman to form an empire that the sun never ever set on!"

The Wuxi Expat Chortling Song Video

Wuxi China Expatdom Pub Plans to Belatedly Celebrate Bastille Day with Be-Headings

The Santiago Cafe in the Wuxi China Expatdom plans to celebrate Bastille Day, the national day of France, with a Guillotine party on July 21st.

"Drinks will of course be half off on July 21st!  We will have lots of poutine for our French friends to eat.  And everyone who comes to the club will have their named entered in a special draw where they will have a 95 percent chance of not being be-headed by our new Guillotine imported from Paris France!"  said Larry Lawrence, one of the cafe's three man ownership team.

Asked why it was they didn't celebrate Bastille Day on July 14th which was a Saturday,  Moe Muggins, another co-owner of the Cafe,  told the WCE Blog that the three owners of the club totally tarded out about the holiday.  "As well, the Guillotine didn't arrive in time.  It got held up in customs!" said Muggins.

The third owner of the Santiago Cafe, Curly Charlton, told the WCE Blog about choosing the guillotine theme for the party:  "We really didn't know what the French were good for when we were planning the Bastille Day party.  Asking the patrons at our cafe what the French were good for, we were basically told by most that they weren't good for much.  A few Americans said they were good for eating cheese and surrendering to the Germans.  Some Canadians told us that some of them were pretty decent hockey players.  It wasn't till we visited the offices of the local WCE historian Edward "Teddy" Gibbon that we got the idea for the guillotine.  He told us all about the French Revolution and how the guillotine was a great way to quickly be-head people.  "Now there was something we could do for the French to honor them!" we said to ourselves!  Let's bring a guillotine to Wuxi, China!"

The Santiago Cafe is located on Jiefang Road in the downtown of Wuxi.

DCI Harry Callahan Performing Cover Version Of Old Chortling Song

Detective Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, backed by the WCE Trio, has been attracting millions of Expats to the WCE's Country & Western Saloon Bar precinct with his revival of "The Laughing Policeman" song.

DCI Callahan says that though he vowed never to sing again after the terrible experiences of the
Ayatollah Of Mordor manhunt in Canada last year, he feels that he must act as an exemplar to Expat chortlers, guffawers, chucklers, cacklers and other Expats who laugh so much.

"It's an old Limey tune", he said, "from the music-hall era. Yeah, well, that's OK. Gets 'em in here
every night. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of 'em join-in once I begin strummin' m' gee-tar.
Kinda makes everyone friendly. Warm fuzzy glow thing".
"Besides", he added, " a whole lot better than me playing Misty, been doing that too long".

Patrons are issued with the "The Laughing Policeman" lyric-sheets, and Expats say that once they get to the second verse, "it brings the house down!".

"I know a fat old policeman
He's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man.
He really is a treat.


"He's too kind for a policeman
He's never known to frown.
And everybody says
He is the happiest man in town!!

He laughs upon point duty
He laughs upon his beat.
He laughs at everybody
When he's walking in the street.

"He never can stop laughing
He says he's never tried.
But once he did arrest a man
And laughed until he cried!
Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Ha ha ho ho ho ho Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
ha ha ha ha Ho ho ho

"His jolly face is wrinkled
And then he shut his eyes.
He opened his great big mouth
It was a wonderous size!
Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Hee-hee haw-haw-haw
Ho ho ho ho hee-hee ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. ho ho ho. Ha ha-ha-hee-he-hee-haw-haww-haww-ho-ho-har-har-ooo-woop!

Mob of Wuxi Expats Not Impressed by the Comedians at the Pink Kitty Club on Nanchang Jie Bar Street

To a man and woman, Wuxi Expats say that the Comedy Show put on at the Pink Kitty Club in the Nanchang Jie Bar Street was unfunny and uninspired, and a menace to the Wuxi China Expatdom's current craze for chortling.

So unfunny was the show that a mob seeking to lynch the comedians formed around the Pink Kitty.  Spokesman for the mob, Larry Drysdale told the WCE Blog that he and his irate associates were of one mind and at all not impressed by the brand of humor of the Pink Kitty comedians.  Said Drysdale:  "George Bush isn't the President of the USA anymore.  Sarah Palin isn't running in this election.  So why make jokes about them?  As well, the pee-pee and poo-poo thing is so old!  And every joke they made about living in China was a cliche!  If I hadn't brought my Shetland Pony into the club, no one would have laughed!"

Asked what the mob intended to do if they if they laid their hands on the comedians, Drysdale said that he couldn't say for sure since it was hard to control a mob, but the group was well-supplied with piano-wire, matches, rope, truncheons, cat-o-nine-tails, and Duston Short's old underwear.  "It may be a mob.  But it is a mob of Wuxi Expats, so I expect some artistry and good laughs to be had from this lynching!  It will be good wholesome knee-slapping fun unlike the show those so-called comedians are putting on!"

 

Ontario Canada Expat's reign as Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion May Come to End

Duston Short's undisputed reign as the Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion may soon come to an end.  Till now, Short has had no opponents and so claimed the title by default and also by virtue of being a midget with troll-like proportions; but with the arrival of Taihu, a wrestler from Albania who actually has competed in matches, Sumo experts insist that Short must surely be defeated in a championship match.

Taihu, with a wrestling record of 4 wins and 35 losses in Albania,  has issued a challenge to Short. By the rules of the Wuxi China Expatdom Sumo Wrestling Federation (WCESWF), must answer the challenge within two weeks or forfeit his championship belt.

Taihu, after being weighed and measured, has been declared eligible to compete in Midget Sumo Wrestling Matches in the WCE.

Short could not be reached for comment about the challenge.  Rumors were circulating in the WCE that Short was considering taking the first plane back to Ontario, Canada where he said his uncle suddenly became sick.  Short had also been reported as saying he did not know how to wrestle and was scared.

Henry Watson Fowler, the owner of Dangle's Participle, a bar for would-be English Teachers in Wuxi and where Short was a patron, told the WCE Blog that he was going to encourage Short to man-up and face the challenge.  "A man don't be wearing a championship belt for nothing, I told Short!" said Fowler who was also an author of a popular and pedantic book on English usage.

Wuxi Expat from Ontario, Canada Too Lazy to be a Stand Up Comedian

Duston Short,  a Wuxi Expat from Ontario, Canada who is an English Teacher and the Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom has decided that a career in stand-up comedy is not for him.  Short, who is thinking of leaving the English teaching profession, because of what he says are excessive demands that he show up to actually teach and that he then stand when teaching, told the WCE Blog that he had been looking at other career opportunities. 

 "I honestly thought about getting in comedy!" said Short, "because everyone I know says I am funny!  But I immediately and quickly gave up the idea of getting into comedy when I heard it was called stand-up comedy!  I mean like come on!  I hate standing!  One minute on my feet and I get dizzy and plus I have a rash on my legs!  Why do you have to stand up when telling a joke!  Like really eh!  Them there those comics should get unionized or pass a law, so it can be called sit-down comedians!"

Short denied that he was in being lazy, saying that the great Martin Luther King Jr. would have stood or sat at his side and demanded that Comedy be sit-down.  "Rabbi King was always for the oppressed people whether they were black or had to stand up to do their job. And think how you hurt the feelings of people who are in wheel chairs if you stand up all the time, eh?  We should sit down with these people in their level.  And they should sit down in comfortable chairs.  I bet they made the black slaves who came from Africa to Georgia and those other places sit on uncomfortable metal folding chairs the whole while they was on those slave flotilla boats!   Yeah!  And think of the short and little people who feel they are being belittled or beshorted or besmalled by having someone stand up when talking to them!  Hurt their feelings I bet!"

Short then told the WCE Blog that he was thinking of getting to cowboying because "cowboys were always sitting on their horses who were doing their working and thinking for them."

Chortling the Latest Big Thing in the Wuxi China Expatdom

Chortling, a gleeful and breathy way of laughing or chuckling, has become the latest craze among Wuxi Expats.  Whether they are telling a joke, praising their King Gorzo the Mighty, talking about Ontario, Canada Expats, or reflecting on the mishaps of China Expats who don't live in Wuxi, Wuxi Expatdomites have made a point of it to laugh and slap their knees to show their mirth and joy at life in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Anywhere one goes in the WCE these days, one can see Expats trying to top each other in the elaborateness of their chortling.  Some Wuxi Expats have taken to laughing while on their backs or trying to perform a Prisyadka Dance in order to enhance their chortling.  One Wuxi Expat has worn a  dress shirt so tight that he hopes by chortling, he can pop off its buttons.  High society Wuxi Expats who own Shetland Ponies have deliberately fallen off them in order to have a reason to chuckle.  Patrons of Wuxi Expat Pubs have deliberately fallen into nearby canals for a laugh.  Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada have gleefully peed-peed and poo-poohed in their pants. 

Some have benefited financially from the craze.  A book on how to chortle has become an instant best-seller in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  As well, posters of Duston Short wearing a tie and split-ass pants have sold out.  "The fat, short and lazy English Teacher, from Ontario, Canada, trying to look professional is the most ridiculous of sights and looking at it is a great way to raise the level of one's chortling!" said Ed McMahon, a side kick on a late night Wuxi China Expatdom television show.  Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club has had to call in the fire hoses commanded by Marcus Linius Crassus to cool the ardor of the chortling now done by its patrons.  "With business so good these days because of the chortling craze, we can afford to call in the fire brigade!" said the comedy club's owner Willy Aardvark Crazy Kook Yakushev Hardy.

His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty has joined in on the craze.  When asked what he thought of the intellectual abilities of U.S. Vice President Joe Biden, His Majesty laughed and slapped his knees for an hour before finally exclaiming that that was the funniest question he had ever been asked.

Even the most stolid of Wuxi Expats:  the Germans, and Chief Inspector Harry Callahan of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad have chortled.  "German Precision Chortling!  I tell ya!  He he he he woo he woo he haa wo he he ha ha woah  he ha ha ha ha hah hah he he he woo hoe hoe hoe he he ha ha ha HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Boy! He he he ha ha ha!  Does it make my!  Ha ha he he ho ho woe hoe woe hoe he he ha he hah hee haw hee hae!  Day! said C.I. Callahan in an interview with Pierce Double Happiness.

Wuxi Expats from England, who pride themselves on having witty and sophisticated humor, are chortling as well.  Some have bought ten gallon hats because they believe chortling is something done extensively in the state of Texas.  An English Expat was overheard, at Gambay's Pub, saying the following:  " I say Teddy Boy!  Ha ha ha he he he hoe hoe hoe woe woe woe yozza! I say! He he he hoe hoe hoe ah ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha!  Teddy!  Have you!  He he he ha ha ah ha ah ah ha ha ha ah ha ha!  Seen Neddy!  He has my!  hoe hoe hoe hoe hoe hoe!  Cricket Bats!  Ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ah ha ha!  Oops!  I fell down!  Ha ha ha!"

Wuxi is the Best Place in China for Expats to Get Drunk

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the best and safest place for Expats to get drunk in China according to the China Drunken Expatriates Association.

Foster Brooks, President of the CDEA, personally conducted the survey, getting drunk in every expat pub in China, and the results of his survey were startling.  "Only in the Wuxi China Expatdom, can one get drunk and not worry about being taken advantage by Expats seeking to satisfy their most craven desires.  You get drunk in a Expat pub in Suzhou, Shanghai, or Kunming, and the chances are you are going to end up in some dark alley without your pants and with a feeling of being violated!" said Brooks.

Brooks attributed the safety of drunken Wuxi China Expats to the outstanding law enforcement of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Square commanded by Chief Inspector Harry Callahan assisted by Officer McNulty.  "They seem to know when and where something untoward may happen in the Expatdom like they have ESP.  Drunken Expats know their limits here because of those two!"

Two patrons at the Gambay's Pub, named Lenny and Carl, disagreed with Brooks and attributed the safety drunken expats enjoyed in the Wuxi China Expatdom to its culture.  "If ever the Wuxi China Expatdom had a motto it should be this:  Drunken Expats helping and caring for Drunken Expats.  Let's face it!  Wuxi Expats just care more for their fellow drunk!" said the long-time friends in unison.

Superstar Firefighter Marcus Linius Crassus Joins the Wuxi Expat Elite

Marcus Linius Crassus, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Fire Brigade, is now being ranked among the elite Wuxi Expats, thanks to his fire-fighting exploits.  

"You can now talk about MLC in the same breathe with King Gorzo the Mighty, Prime Minister Mango, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad Commander Harry Callahan, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander General Colonel Harlan Sanders, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Commander Gregory Peck, Gambay's Pub owners Fred and Frank Minkleman, the Rabbis who play for the Wuxi Red Guards Football Team, and Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Archduke Harry Moore!" said WCE historian Edward "Teddy" Gibbon.

"If he was a woman named Marcia Linia Crassia and still just as great a fire fighter, you would be able to talk in the same breathe of him, I mean her, with Wuxi China Expatdom first ladies Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, Prime Ministerial First Lady Wonder Woman, and Archduchess and consort to the Archduke Harry Moore:  Mrs. Miss Moneypenny Moore." said Gibbon's wife Suzanna.

"If MLC was the exact opposite of his gorgeous, tall, handsome, lean, energetic self, you would be able to talk about MLC in the same breathe as the loathsome, squat, and lazy English Teacher and Midget Sumo Wrestling Duston Short from Ontario, Canada!" said the senior teacher at Wuxi's English Fungus Language School.

Crassus first earned notice from Wuxi China Expatdom devotees by his deft and humane employments of fire hoses to quell the ardor of crowds who had just listened to the magnificent orations of Harry Moore.  Archduke Moore, who, more than a great orator, is a superb humanitarian, praised all of Crassus's actions for a WCE Blog interview, noting how not once was a member of his audience ever hurt or even knocked to the ground by a fire hose commanded by Crassus.

But Crassus really earned his superstar status during the great fire at the 500 storey Kaulins tower in downtown Wuxi, China.  "Not only did he single-handedly pull all one million residents out of the tower to safety.  He also managed to save all eighty million copies of the Poolside Harry Moore that belonged to the residents!" said Redd Foxx, the Kaulins Tower super.  "So not only did he save lives, he made their lives worth living!"

Since then, Crassus has saved millions of other lives and billions of copies of the Poolside Harry Moore in other Wuxi China Expatdom Skyscraper fires including those  at the 700 storey Harry Moore State Building, the fifty storey Moresky360 building, the 49 storey Kempenski Building and the 450 storey Miss Moneypenny building.

Crassus says his role models are Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Lloyd Bridges and Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President, the Archduke Harry Moore.  "Thanks to my pal Lloyd, I have learned that I do my best work without my shirt on!  Archduke Harry, as I like to call him, mentored since he found me in the jungles of Nanchang being raised by coyotes!  He taught me the value of sunny optimism, hair-grooming techniques, a physical fitness regimen that makes me look god-like, religious faith and an ability to write and say stirring prose  and lyrics as I fight fires!"

Asked about rumours of a possible Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame induction, Crassus turned a slight shade of red and said "Aw Schucks!  Being able to save lives and copies of the Poolside Harry Moore gives me all the satisfaction I need in this life!"

Andis Kaulins Grows World's Biggest Golden Apple

The Wuxi China Expatdom's pre-eminent English Teacher, Sir Andis Kaulins,
has stunned the world's golden apple harvesters by cultivating the world's biggest golden apple - ever.

Showing his versatility, Sir Andis said that he grew it in his apartment. Sir Andis was immediately elected, unopposed,  as President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Horticulturist's Association (WCEHA).

Andis Kaulins is reluctant to reveal details of his astounding fruit, but proudly says that he won't have to go out to buy lunches from General Sanders anymore.

Opening of Two New Nightclubs Reveals Wuxi Expat Pub Owners are into Alternative Life Styles

With the opening of the San Francisco Cafe and the Pink Kitty, Wuxi Expat Pub Owners have shown they have interest in the alternative lifestyle and all things alternative.

Wally Droop, owner of the semi-popular Walnut and Chestnut Cafes, told the WCE Blog that he opened Pink Kitty, a place for alternatives to meet, not so much to make money or tap into a market demand for all things alternative, but to please himself.  "I realized when I was hugging and groping all my male customers at the Chestnut and the Walnut, wearing provocatively short shorts, and shaving my legs that I had an urge for something more.  So, I started to wear women's clothing including pink frilly blouses, lacy underwear, high heels, nail polish, fantastic big-hair wigs, big round glasses, high-heel boots and mini-mini skirts.  This didn't fly in the Chestnut or Walnut, so I felt compelled to open the Pink Kitty."  Ask if he could manage the three pubs at once, Droop said "I can let my daughters Willmena and Lucia run the other pubs!" 

The owners of the Santiago Cafe, think they can make a profit with their alternative night club.  "We tried the Sheybogan Cafe, the Regina Cafe, the Paris Cafe, the Berlin Cafe, the Moscow Cafe, the Pyong Yang Cafe and the Sacramento Cafe, and none of them seemed to fly with the Wuxi Expat pub-going community.  We truly believe that the San Francisco Cafe with its gym for weight-lifters, spas, and extensive shower facilities with public and private stalls will appeal to the alternative expat types of Wuxi!" said the co-owners of the Santiago Cafe: Larry Lawrence, Moe Muggins and Curly Charlton who have been into body-building since the 1950s.

The clubs are located in the Stonewall portion of the Nanchang Jie Bar Street.