Some Wuxi Expats are Proud of Their Obama Phones

A group of Wuxi Expats gathered at the Pink Kitty Pub on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street told the WCE Blog that they love their Obama Phones.  

Obama Phones are free mobile phones given away to supporters or Obama or as an incentive to support Obama's re-election at President.

While the group of Obama Phone toting Wuxi Expats said their support for Barack Obama was unwavering, their discussion of their favorite apps lead to factional disputes and hints of possible reprisals including early morning knocks on doors.

Ivan "Korba" Fence said his favorite app on the Obama Phone was the games apps.  "I really love playing Angry Birds on my Obama Phone.   The birds are the heroic revolutionaries seeking to destroy the power of the pigs who represent the implanted bourgeoisie who don't want to relinquish their ill-gotten privileges "  After Fence said this, his comrades Randy "Cocktail" Penn and Juan "Zinoviev" Alou encouraged the rest of the group to applaud which the they did until a bell was rung telling all it was safe to stop.

When Leo Trottier tried to say his favorite Obama Phone App was the "Poolside Harry Moore" App, he was immediately denounced as "Capitalist Running Dog  American-loving Vulture" and expelled from the group.

Others, who hadn't till then told the group what their favorite app was, then told the group they loved the Angry Birds App as well, but were their declarations were greeted with suspicion.  "Why didn't you declare your love of the Angry Birds App sooner!" they were asked by Comrade Penn.

"Alas!  There are enemies of the revolution every where!" declared Fence.  "Even among those who have Obama Phones!  I encourage all members of the Obama Phone Group to seek out reactionaries among their midst and have them liquidated!  And then we can let 10,000 flowers bloom!  Obama!  Obama!  Oh!  How we love Obama!"

Wuxi Expat Pub to Hold Terrorist Night every Tuesday

To try to stop patrons from watching cheap movies at the cinemas, the Santiago Cafe will host a special Terrorist Night every Tuesday.

Moe Muggins, one of the three partners running the Wuxi Expat Pub, told the WCE blogspot that the evening would be a special celebration of terrorism.  "After all one man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter!" said Muggins.

Muggins said the Cafe will hold many special promotions and competitions designed around the theme of terrorism, or liberation.  "Patrons who wear the best terrorist costume, stage the best ambushes, kill themselves in the most creative manner, commit the biggest outrages against innocent life, or take and accomplish our blow-up our 140 floor skyscraper challenge will receive prizes like free beer for a year, Santiago Cafe memorabilia such as vests and duffle bags, and free potatoes bearing  facsimile signatures of Archduke Sir Harry Moore and his wife the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny!" said Muggins.

Asked if it would have been better to call the evening:  Freedom Fighter Night, Muggins said he never thought of it and "maybe would do that."

The Santiago Cafe is located across the street from the Bao Long Shopping Center in the Wuxi New District.

Wuxi Expat Never Tires of Talking about "The Goal"

Wuxi Expat Rabbi Benny Beryl never gets tired of talking about The Goal.

He scored 800  times over 707 career games with the Wuxi China Expatdom Canadiens of the China Expat Ice Hockey League.

But the 69-year-old native of Kincardine, Israel, will forever remember scoring the decisive goal that earned Canada its historic victory over Russia in the '72 Summit Series.

"I do have to be careful when I talk about it!" said Beryl.  It is commonly believed that Paul Henderson scored the goal, but in fact Beryl scored the goal wearing a Paul Henderson suit.  

Beryl said repeatedly how much he enjoyed reminiscing about the 72 goal, adding he often heard different stories from fans about where they were when he fired a rebound past Vladislav Tretiak to give Canada a thrilling 6-5 win in the eighth and final game.  "Of course, I don't tell them that it was me who fired the rebound past the Commie goalie!"

But it was Beryl who also made that contest meaningful by scoring the winning goals in the sixth and seven games of the series in Russia.  The man currently wearing the Paul Henderson suit likes to mention that he was especially proud of the game seven goal, and I have to say I agree with him!"

"I've tried to handle it responsibly," Beryl said of his role as the unacknowledged true hero of '72 Team Canada. "I've tried to handle myself worthy of  the Wuxi China Expatdom.   I've tried to be a role model for younger Wuxi Expat kids, showing them that a true Wuxi Expat does glorious things in disguise without seeking the limelight!"

Some Wuxi Expats destroying their Japanese Things

Wuxi Expats,who worry about reprisals from Wuxi locals, have taken to destroying anything they might have that is Japanese.

On the Nanchang Jie Bar Street, a group of Expats decided to make a show for the locals and organized a bonfire into which anything with a hint of Japanese Influence could be tossed.

Duston Short, from Orillia, Ontario threw his Nikon camera, his Hello Kitty Pink Doll collection, and all his Ultraman books and videos into the bonfire. 

Brian Glennie, from Toronto, threw his his toy Nissan, Mazda and Honda cars and trucks into the bonfire.

Sam Rae, threw in his Mazda hood emblem into the bonfire.  "It was the last hood emblem I stole before I came to teach English in China.  It was very precious to me.  But since it means saving my hide, I will gladly toss her in the fire!"  said Rae.

Ivan Fence, a Leftist Wuxi Expat, threw his Gilligan's Island DVD collection as well as his DVD of the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail into the fire.  "If the locals see the episode of Gilligan's Island when the Japanese mini-sub commander ends up on Gilligan's island, or see that my Monty Python DVD has a Japanese audio track, I might be denounced or something worse!" said Fence.

Fence's actions inspired many Expats to throw their laptops and USB memory sticks into the bonfire.  "I have lots of photo of Japanese school girls that I don't want the locals I have!" said Wally Droop, a prominent member of the Wuxi Expat community.

Some of the more ambitious Expats were seen to have stolen Japanese Brand Cars and driving them into the bonfire.

The Wuxi China Expatdom King and Prime Minister both denounced the burnings.  Said King Gorzo the Mighty:  "What a bunch of idiots!"  Prime Mango Minister called the bonfire participants enemies of humanity and all that was decent.

Despite Bad B.O., Wuxi Expat is Popular with the Local Ladies

Faruk Bagolli, an Albanian-Canadian Expat, seems to be a hit with the local ladies, despite not wearing deodarent.

Bagolli, an 58 year old English Teacher at Portage & Main English in the Wuxi New District, is apparently never without a lady to keep him company for the evening, much to the amazement and consternation of his fellow teachers.

"Frankly, his philandering offends me!" said teacher Ivan Fence, who wished to be anonymous.  "He simply plays the percentages.  While 95 percent of the woman find him to be repulsive and creepy.  There will always be the innocent or desperate woman who are willing to put up with his disgusting aspects because he is foreigner!"

What really offended the teachers about Bagolli's sucess with woman was that he did it despite, what they labelled, "the Bagolli Stench."  "God!  Bagolli reeks!" said another of Bagolli's fellow English teachers, Thor Santo, from Chicago.

Bagolli has denied that he is a philanderer, saying that he has not slept with that many women.

Wuxi Expats Ready to Explore the Surface of Mars

After spending ten days at the Olympus Mons Hilton, the six Wuxi Expats, who came to Mars on Zhanshen 6 Mission to Mars,  say they are ready to explore the surface of Mars.

"I feel like a billion dollars!" said  the Zhanshen 6 command module pilot, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Lloyd Bridges .  "The rocket in which we came certainly was cramped!"

"I'm ready to arrest some Martian Punks!" said  the driver of the Martian Cruiser, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Squad Commander Chief Inspector Harry Callahan .  "My buddies Smith and Wesson got a big kick of Olympus Mons!"

"I wish we could have started exploring the surface right away!  I mean like... Come on!  Did Chris Columbus stay at a Hilton in 1492!  I should say not!" said an obviously impatient Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Commander Gregory Peck who was in a hurry to catch the hotel shuttle that would return him to the Zhanshen 6 Martian Orbiter for which he was the pilot

"Darling Harry and I are ready for almost anything!" said the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny who spoke for herself and the Zhanshen Six Commander and best-selling author, Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies and the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, Archduke Sir Harry Moore  who was still 

fixing his tousled locks of jet-black hair in the bathroom of the Olympus Mons Hilton's special Penthouse Bridal Suite.

Gambay's Pub Co-Owner and Zhanshen 6 Chief Engineer Fred Minkleman told the WCE blog that he was impressed with the Olympus Mons lounge.  "They had some drinks that are out of this world!  I will be sure to serve back at Gambay's which is on the piece of rock called the Earth Expatdom!" said Minkleman who quickly rushed to the hotel's souvenir shop to find a t-shirt or a green cheese hat for his brother Gambay's co-owner Frank.  "It is the least I could do for my bro!  I know he is back at Gambay's work doubly hard to maintain the standard of service that has made it the Wuxi China Expatdom's most popular Expat pub ten years running!" said Engineer Minkleman.

The Zhanshen 6 Mission's first task on the Martian surface will be to search for life.  "We don't see much life on the surface so far.  Callahan tells me there is some night life.  But we figure the place to look is underground.  So we will explore the surface for caves and hidden trap doors!" said Zhanshen 6 commander Harry Moore who looked like a trillion dollars dressed in an impeccably tailored suit, as worn by Fred Astaire in the film Top Hat, and bearing his expertly manicured nails which even made his wife Mrs Miss Moneypenny jealous.

Buffet Reconnaissance Force Established in the Wuxi China Expatdom

Supreme Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Armed Forces, General Clarence Chugwater, proclaimed the establishment of the Wuxi China Expatdom Buffet Reconnaissance Force, at a military parade held at Harry Moore Square Diamond.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Buffet Reconnaissance Force, will become the fifth branch of the WCE Armed Forces which consists already of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy and the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Marine Corps.  The WCEBRF will be commanded by General Julius Child, the head chef at the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Palace.

"For too long, innocent Wuxi Expats have gone to buffets in Wuxi unaware of what they are in for, and because of this many Expats have lost their lives and hours of their lives that they can never get back!" said General Child after being presented with the Buffet Recce Colors and Standards by General Chugwater.  "This shouldn't be happening in an Expatdom which has put men on the surface of Mars!"

General Child then told the million men assembled from the other four branches of the WCE Armed Forces, his vision of what the future WCEBRF.  "Buffet Recce will be amphibious and airborne as necessary. It will have the most modern of military technology; whether it be amphibious aircraft carriers, intelligent drones, surface to air to surface pastry launching systems, and invisibility cloaks!  We will expect the average Buffet Reconnoiterer will be an all-around soldier capable of judging cuisine in the most perilous of weather conditions and political climates.  A Buffet Reconnoiterer will be able to shot a gun, jump from a plane, survive in the jungle, withstand torture, cook and create delicious meals, and be able to write a good restaurant review!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Military Experts say the establishment of the Buffet Reconnaissance Force will turn the WCE into a Super Duper Power.  "The Americans have put a man on the Moon but never in their wildest imaginations, had they thought themselves capable of establishing the Holy Grail of Military Strategic Planners all over the world:  the Buffet Recconaissance Force!  Buffet Recce requires elite chef-soldiers, lots of tanks, lots of missiles, lots of artillery, lots of aircraft carriers, lots of the finest cooking equipment, mobile pizza ovens and mini mobile fridges!  It had been thought by the greatest military minds of all time, that a Buffet Reconnaissance Force was beyond the capabilities of mortals, a figment of the imagination that thought of Greek Gods on Mount Olympus, till today in the Wuxi China Expatdom!" said Wuxi China Expatdom Millitary Historian Edmund Fitzgibbon.

An observer of the Buffet Recce Formation parade was heard to say "I am thinking of going to the Jin Ling Hotel for their lunch buffet!" To which his companion said "Oh dear!  Maybe you should wait till you have read the review of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Buffet Reconnaissance Force!"

Wuxi Expat Pub to Hold a Karaoke Yodeling night

With six Wuxi Expats currently on the surface of Mars, many Wuxi Expats, left behind on the surface of the Earthly territory of the Wuxi China Expatdom, are looking at the Sky with yearning towards the heavens and the Red Planet.  They have chosen to imitate coyotes and wolves as they do so, but instead of howling, many Expats have taken to yodeling to the Sky, to the Moon and to Mars.  This has lead to many Wuxi Expat businesses, including Pubs trying to take advantage of what has since become a yodeling craze.

Thursday, at the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, Expat Larry Drysdale could be heard yodelling at one a.m.  "Yo da lay he who!  Yo da lay he who! Yo da lay he who!  Harry Moore and Harry Callahan where are you who who!" sung Wainwright.

Wainwright and many other Wuxi Expats are taking their yodeling seriously and have enrolled in yodeling certification courses.  Wuxi teachers who would normally teach Expats Mandarin have in some cases cancelled their Chinese classes, and switched to teaching yodeling.  Hu Hu, Mandarin teacher, has has her name legally changed to Yo Dai Lei Hu Hu in order to cash in on the craze.

Andis Kaulins, the one who is an English teacher, has decided to teach yodeling and English together.  "I mostly talk to these people anyway, and thanks to this yodeling fad, I have achieved a personal teaching ambition and have turned my conversation classes into musicals.   I now have an oompah band to accompany our conversation in class!" said Kaulins, who wanted it to be perfectly clear that he was quite a different Andis Kaulins than the one who was the president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who was the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association.

ET Kaulins permitted a WCE Blog reporter to attend one of his classes.  At the beginning the reporter heard "Howie How are you?" sung by ET Kaulins, to whom, his students responded "We are finey finey who and what about you who?"  Kaulins's class ended with his students Prisyadka dancing after all of them had yodeled the third conditional with no errors.

The demand for yodeling classes has been observed by Wuxi Expat Pubs and one pub is already seeking to cater to yodelers.  The Santiago Cafe will hold a karaoke yodeling night every Friday night.  Moe Muggins, one of the Santiago's three owners, told the WCE blog:  "We have brought in a karaoke machine, leather yodeling breeches to wear, oom pah pah bikinis and trampolines for the yodeling contest which can take place under the stars at our newly-opened retractable-roofed convention center!  Winners of every Friday night yodeling contest can win free beer for a year and free tickets to our 2012 Christmas Party which will take place on December 31st!"

Wuxi Expats Line-up to Marry Official Zhanshen 6 Mars Mission Memorabilia

Wuxi Expats have swamped the Wuxi China Expatdom Marriage License Bureau (WCEMLB) with applications for marriage licenses since the Zhanshen 6 Mission landed on Mars on September 11.

"We haven't seen this many applications since the law permitting human and inanimate object marriage law became official in 2010!" said spokesman for the WCEMLB, Henry "the Eight" Tudor, who looked tired and haggard from working twenty hour shifts where he had tried to clear the backlog of wedding license applications.

Outside the WCEMLB offices, thousands of Wuxi Expats were lined up,  many having stood there for days on end, carrying their perspective brides such as Zhanshen 6 ashtrays, caps, bobble-head dolls and books.

One applicant, Julius Shack, who said he was going to marry an ashtray bearing the official Zhanshen 6 logo, told the WCE Blog that he was "inspired" to marry his ashtray because of Archduke Harry Moore's decision to have his wife accompany him as he stepped on Mars.  "Gosh!  It was so romantic!  Now, I know that I ain't in Miss Moneypenny's league, so marrying the ashtray I bought on September 12 is the thing to do because it is a tribute to the marriage of the Archduke and Archduchess whose love is something to be admired by all of us!"

Ivan Fence, English Teacher, said he was going to marry his copy of the Poolside Harry Moore: the commemorative Zhanshen 6 edition.  "Moore's prose in the book is so exact, so concise, so reader-friendly that I use it to teach my Chinese students.  As well, Moore's prose is so profound that I have a homo-erotic attraction to it and him.  Marrying the novel is like marrying Shakespeare and Ursula Andress -- both of whom are out of my league!"

Duston Short, disgraced former Midget Sumo Wresting Champion of the WCE, told the WCE Blog that while he didn't know about Zhanshen 6 landing on Mars; but that he was attracted to plastic water bottles and that he found the official Zhanshen 6 water bottle, that he was going to marry, to be very attractive.

The most popular objects of Matrimony for the Expats lining up at the WCEMLB office were the Archduke Harry Moore Bobble Head Doll and the Bobble-Chested Doll of Mrs. Miss Moneypenny.  Some Expats wanted to marry both in violation of WCE laws against polygamy.  "This could result in a civil war" said Harry Reid, who said he was well within his rights to marry the Arch Couple Bobble Doll Set.  "But I don't want to make trouble!  The dolls are still in the box, so I think I can convince the authorities I am marrying the box!"

Those Wuxi Expats who aren't waiting to marry Zhanshen 6 memorabilia, are waiting to hear what the Zhanshen 6 crew has found on the Martian Surface.  Zhanshen 6 will stay on the Martian Surface till early December.

Wuxi Expat Mars Landing Results in Record Memorabilia Sales

The Zhanshen 6 Mars Landing has resulted in record memorabilia sales for official Zhanshen 6 products as sold by the official licensee of official Zhanshen 6 Mars Landing products: the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Memorabilia Sales Agency (WCEIEMSA), formerly the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force (WCEIEF).

Karl Malden, formerly the commander of the WCEIEF and now the president of the WCEIEMSA, told the WCE Blog, in an exclusive interview, that the Zhanshen 6 Mars landing has caught the imagination of the Wuxi China Expatdom Memorabilia buying public.  "I haven't seen such large purchases of memorabilia since the Capture of Ayatollah of Mordor, and the marriage of Archduke Harry Moore and Miss Moneypenny!" said Malden, who was driving a 2012 Porsche 911 GT2 RS that he had just recently bought because of the great business he had been doing.

Asked what Zhanshen 6 memorabilia was popular, Malden said "All of it!  We quickly sold one hundred million copies of the Poolside Harry Moore, Zhanshen 6 limited commemorative edition.  All our Zhanshen 6 crew bobble head dolls as well as the bobble-chested doll of the stowaway Miss Moneypenny sold out quickly as well.  And then, purchasers were fighting to get their hands on the remaining Zhanshen 6 lighters, ashtrays, lingerie, t-shirts, cuff links, key chains, cutlery, coffee mugs, flags and water bottles!"

Malden added that he had one hundred factories working eight days a week, 34 hours a day, to keep up with the seemingly insatiable demand in the WCE and on Earth for Zhanshen 6 official licensed memorabilia.

"Accept no subsitutes!" said Malden "Look for the official Zhanshen 6 laser logo on the product before making a purchase!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Parliament Proclaims that Supporters of the Major League Baseball Wildcard are Enemies of Humanity and Common Decency

In a proclamation unanimously voted for by the Wuxi China Expatdom Parliament, and signed into law by King Gorzo the Mighty, it was declared that any Wuxi Expat or visitor to the Wuxi China Expatdom, who had something good to say about the wildcard in Major League Baseball, was an enemy of Humanity and Common Decency, and deserved to be shot on sight.

Prime Minister Mango, at a press conference announcing the proclamation, told members of the WCE Press Corps, that Major League Baseball's decision, in 1994 to put the wildcard into effect and thereby allow second place teams to qualify for post-season play, was blasphemous, stupid, unpoetic, and soul-destroying.  "Bringing the wildcard into baseball was akin to shitting on ice cream or taking a piss in champagne.  It was a way of ruining a wonderful thing that baseball had been till that point.  There was nothing a true Wuxi Expat and a true baseball fan appreciated more than a good pennant race.  Two great teams battling to the death for a pennant!  It was the stuff of which legends were made and then could be passed on by grandparents to their grandchildren!" said PM Mango, who shocked members of the press corps with his uncharacteristic angry outburst.

The bill for the proclamation was introduced into parliament by Wuxi China Exaptdom Member of Parliament Saint Martin Gandhi Luther King Senior who said to the WCE Blog:  "I love hockey and NFL football, and I have grown up with their many levels of playoffs.  But with baseball, I grew up seeing only first place teams make the playoffs.  The pain of seeing your team lose a pennant race was sweet and ultimately more memorable than losing a first round playoff series.  Think of the great Yankee - Red Sox pennant race of 1978.  It couldn't never happen now..... Unless, my dream that only first place teams make it into the major league baseball season comes back into effect and I can say to the baseball Gods:  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  We have brought baseball back to its original state of grace at last!  At last!  At last!"

Wuxi Expats celebrate Zhanshen 6 Martian Landing

Hundreds of Millions of Wuxi Expats took to the street and celebrated in a fairly big way after Zhanshen 6, the Wuxi China Expatdom mission to Mars, successfully landed on the Martian surface on Tuesday.  But there was a blase attitude to the celebrating as a few complained of the Wuxi China Expatdom doing  too many historical and magnificent things at too fast a pace.

The celebrating was notably restrained and individualistic.  Whether they ate hot dogs, shed their clothes, called in sick to work, rubbed themselves with their favorite imported sauces, stuck their head in toilets or cupboards, kissed their inanimate object spouses, drank beer at their favorite local pub, or prisyadka pole-danced, Wuxi Expats celebrated their in own eccentric way, eschewing the need to be a mob.

"This Mars landing thing certainly has got to be in the top ten list of things that have happened since Gorzo the Mighty became our king!" said Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins, who celebrated by drinking an ounce of Crown Royal from a bottle he thought he could now break open, the occasion being almost auspicious enough.  "I almost feel happy today as when the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, was captured last year and brought to justice for his crimes against humanity and good taste!"

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut, Walnut, and Pink Kitty Pubs, said the celebrations reminded him of the day the Wuxi China Expatdom was freed from the dictatorship of the Ayatollah of Mordor.  "The Day the Ayatollah fled to Winnipeg, Canada was the greatest day of my life!  This Martian landing is just about as good!"

Duston Short, disgraced former Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the WCE, in an interview from the MaMaHugeHuge Sinkhole where he awaits word on whether he will be rescued, said the joy he felt about the WCE Mars landing was almost as great as the day McDonalds introduced hot dogs on their  breakfast menu.

The one mob celebration, an attempt to form the longest conga party in human history, however, came up one hundred thousand people short.  The record had been set after Archduke Moore delivered a lecture on the films of Clint Eastwood on March 8, 2012.

Wuxi Expats, interviewed by the WCE Blog said that they would further follow the exploits of the Zhanshen 6 mission on the Martian surface with breath abated.  "I wonder if they will find life on Mars or some good restaurants!" said Wuxi Expat Thor Lyndon, who says he is a brain surgeon turned English Teacher.

Wuxi Expats land on the Surface of Mars

It was another banner day for the Gorzo the Mighty Led Wuxi China Expatdom, as the crew of the Zhanshen 6 Mars mission landed on the surface of Mars Tuesday.

Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore, the Zhanshen 6 Commander, carrying his wife, the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny, in his arms, descended the stairs of the Zhanshen 6 Landing Module, to make their historic first steps on the Martian surface.  His first words were "Excuse Us!  But I want to spend some time with the woman I love.  So!  Everybody wait ten minutes!", at which time he turned off the camera recording the event.

Exactly ten minutes later, the Archduke, his dark and tousled hair slightly disheveled, smiled in his Sunny and Reaganesque manner, and said "Those were small steps for a Wuxi Expat couple!  A giant leap, as these things go, for Wuxi Expatdom couples the world over and mankind as well!  Though, I expect that in a decade or so, you will see Wuxi Expats surfing on the surface of Jupiter and riding the rings of Saturn!"

Miss Moneypenny's first words were:  "Oh Harry Darling!  Let's return to the module and I'll cook you a wonderful angel cake!  It is frightfully cold out here!"

Moore then planted a copy of his all-time best selling book of prose and intimate photographs, the Poolside Harry Moore, on the Martian surface, and declared the planet Mars to be a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Moore said he would have put the WCE flag on the moon but the key to the locker containing the flag had gone missing.

The Martian landing was witnessed by over a billion Wuxi Expats who had the Poolside Harry Moore App on their Iphones and Android phones.  Another one hundred million witnessed the Martian landing at the Harry Moore Memorial Square Diamond in Wuxi's Nanchang District where live video was shown on a 500m-sized MamaHugeHugetron.

Archduke Moore and and his consort Moneypenny returned to the Zhanshen 6 Landing Module and received a congratulatory message from His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty.   His Majesty told Moore that it was a nice touch to have both a man and a woman step on the Martian surface at the same time for the first time.

The Arch Couple then received messages from other important world personages as Pope Benedict XVI, actor Chuck Norris, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, the Latvian President Andris Bērziņš, and film director Clint Eastwood.  President Obama, not being able to use an Iphone, apologized for not have sent his congratulatory message sooner.  "Biden say he knew how to use the thing!  He lied!" said the U.S. president.

The five man Zhanshen Six Crew whose members are Archduke Harry Moore, Wuxi Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force Detective Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Gambay's Pub Co-Manager Fred Minkleman, and  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Commander Gregory Peck, is scheduled to stay on Mars till December 2012.

Wuxi Expat Swallowed by Sinkhole

Wuxi Expat Duston Short, disgraced former midget sumo wrestling champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom and an English Teacher at Portage & Main English, has been swallowed by a Sinkhole.

Monday evening, Short was being chased from the Chestnut Pub by its owner Wally Droop when he ran straight into the sinkhole located in Wuxi's Nanchang Bar Jie.  Witnesses said Droop, carrying a straw broom he picked up on the street, was chasing Short because of a unpaid bar tab Short had at the Chestnut Pub.

Witness Julius Shack told the WCE blog that he saw Short ran through a sign that said: "Beware!  One km deep sinkhole!  Do not under any circumstances run through this sign!" 

Said Shack: "I saw Short stop and read the sign, and then mutter, asking what a sinkhole was and what "do not under circumstances" meant!  He then saw Droop get close and decided to run through the sign!  The last thing I heard him say was "Oh!  That's what a sinkhole is!"

The Sinkhole is said to be the biggest in human history.  Sinkhole experts who have explored the Mama Huge Huge Sinkhole say it is big enough to contain the cites of Wuxi and Shanghai.  

Many theories have been put forth about the origins of the hole.  The theory, said to be most credible, suggests that the sinkhole was once a storage area for the Ayatollah of Mordor's caramel ball collection.

Wuxi China Expatdom authorities say that they will, sometime next week, debate whether time and resources should be used in a possible search for Short who comes from Ontario, Canada.  "I wish that guy would go back to Canada and do whatever it was he was doing there, which was probably collect welfare!" said the acting chief detective of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force:  Officer McNulty.

Clint Eastwood and G Gordon Liddy Inducted into the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame

Actor and film director Clint Eastwood, and Talk Show Host and Watergate personality G. Gordon Liddy, both prodigies of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore, have been inducted into the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame.  The announcement of the double induction, the first in WCEHoF history, was made by WCEHoF commissioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis.

Landis made his announcement at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.

In announcing the inductions, Landis was quick to note how Eastwood and Liddy, were influenced by and had influenced Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Moore.  "Believe it or not, Eastwood and Liddy are spitting images of the Archduke!  And it is no wonder!  Growing up, the three of them were the best of buddies performing acts of courage that many of their jealous lessers described as psychotic!  The Archduke was the leader of the great childhood triumvirate, but he was never a dictator.  Moore mentored Liddy and Eastwood to be heroically independent and decent human beings.  And as all good mentors and teachers do, Moore learned and was in turn influenced by his students so that his manhood and art were Eastwoodian and Liddyian in purpose!"

Landis, responding to criticism that Eastwood and Liddy hadn't spent any time in the Wuxi China Expatdom, said that the two American bad-asses were everything that real Wuxi Expats aspired to be.  Added Landis:  "The great feats of Eastwood and Liddy were so like the feats performed by King Gorzo the Mighty, Detective Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, the leaders of the Wuxi China Expatdom Armed Forces, Prime Minister Mango, and the Archduke Harry Moore, that they must be called Wuxi Expatdomite in spirit and thus in fact.  The true Wuxi Expat transcends space, place, and time.  And do you really want to induct fellows like Duston Short or the guy who married a battleship into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame?  Come on!  Greatness and Conservative principles, rather than residency, are what defines a true Wuxi Expat!"

Landis also announced that 800 meter high, pure-gold statues of both Eastwood and Liddy would be erected on the 'WCEHoF grounds close to the 888 meter high, pure-gold and diamond-encrusted statue of their mentor Harry Moore.

Wuxi China Expatdom Leftists hoping for an Obama Victory in the November 2012 Presidential Election.

Wuxi China Expatdom Leftists tell the WCE Blog that they are hoping for an Obama victory in the upcoming November 2012 U.S. Presidential Election.  

Playing pool at the WCE Union Club, they said the following to the WCE correspondent.

"A victory for Romney would mean I will have to marry my three ex-wives and wear underwear made by the Walt Disney Corporation" said Duston Short, disgraced former Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion.  "Barack has got to win!  I don't want to go to church, no-how!"

"A victory for Romney would mean the end of sex as we know it!" said Wuxi Sexpat Party member Julius Shack, "With no birth control, we will be forced to have sex in back alleys!.....  Not that there is anything wrong with that but we need variations in our love making and as the saying goes: spice is the variety of living!   So I am cheering for an Obama victory!"

"The vice president, that Romney choose as a running mate, has a plan to push all senior citizens off cliffs near hospitals so that they will have to fend for themselves."  said English Teacher Ivan Fence, who denied he was a Leftist, saying his politics were middle-of-the-road.

"A Romney president will result in women getting pregnant and so not achieve their career ambitions!" said the co-leader of the Wuxi Sexpat Feminist Alliance Deloris Morris. "So I say Gobama!  Gobama!  Woo hoo!  Yeah! Let us end the slavery that is Mother-and-Wifehood!"

"If Romney and Ryan have their way, they will enact the same free-market laisez-faire economic policies that have made Wuxi China Expats the happiest and the most prosperous people in the world!  All that wealth is no good!  What will us progressives have to live for!" said Karl Muldoon, a self-described democratic socialist.

"I don't want to have to spend all that money on hair products that a Romney victory would entail!"  I like the Obama close-cut look!  said the English Teacher Andis Kaulins, the cheapest man in the WCE, who describes himself as a political independent interested in what works.

"A Romney-Ryan Victory would result in a racial holocaust in which all blacks and spanish people will be gathered into concentration camps by forces of policeman and cowboys looking an awful lot like Clint Eastwood.  They will then be put into chattel and sexual slavery before then being sent to gas chambers!" said Wuxi Expat Engineer Clyde Hexler.  "And they will also do it to Negroes!  I really hate the coded dog-whistle racism of the Republicans!"

"As soon as Romney is elected, innocents will die!" said Shiela Thompson, a child poverty advocate.

"If President Romney is elected.  Those of us who aren't rich, will become serfs and will be shot on sight if we leave the land or go to use the bathroom!"  said Vladimar Lenin, a dancer at the Millennial Hotel in the Wuxi New District.  "And swearing in movies will be stopped!"

"If Romney is sworn in in January 2013, everyone in the world will be allowed to have guns and so we will all die!"  said Ed Broadbent, an English Teacher from Ontario, Canada.  "The lucky survivors will have brain injuries!"

Asked if they thought Obama was going to win, all the respondents said they thought so, once the question had been explained to them so they could understand it.  "Obama should win if he gets more electrical college votes or has good lawyers" said the most outspoken of the group, Hugo Che Stadium.

Archduke Harry Moore To Re-Name Mars In Honour Of Andis Kaulins

Aboard the Expatdom's Zanshen 6 mission-to-Mars spaceship,
Archduke Harry Moore deliverered a rousing, and deeply-moving, speech to the crew-members.

He told his fellow Expatronauts, assembled in the ship's wardroom, that it is Sir Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, who had inspired him to make the Mars mission become a reality.

Then, in a richly resonant voice, consulting the back of an envelope that he was carrying (which he'd borrowed from the Hylite English School's stationery-cupboard), Archduke Moore began to read the speech he'd composed for this momentous moment.

"This Mars-voyage", he said, "is the boldest and most lofty venture in the history of Expatkind, and, without Andis Kaulins, it just wouldn't have been possible. Moreover, without Andis Kaulins, I wouldn't be here at all!".
"Men", he continued, "as overjoyed and proud as I am, I regret that Andis Kaulins isn't here with us.
I implored, nay, begged, Andis Kaulins to come aboard with us on the mission. But naturally Sir Andis could not abdicate his selfless devotion to his English students, nor his home and hearth, and that of course is a measure of Andis Kaulins' greatness, modesty, and his nobility".

"In 1492", said Archduke Moore, "Columbus, and, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, here with us now,
ventured to the New World, inspired by their Royal Patrons, Queen Isabella and King Fernando Rey, and, I have been inspired by Andis Kaulins in exactly the same way.


Archduke Harry Moore concluded his speech by announcing that upon their arrival on Mars, he would re-name the red planet as "Terra New Andis Oh Kaulins".

Representatives of The Wuxi China Expatdom and China Hold Historically Significant Summit

On Monday, the two civilizations that produced Harry Moore, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee, and Confucius held an historically significant summit at  the Hui Shan District Century Time Plaza Food Court.

Andis Kaulins, representing the Wuxi China Expatdom, and Yao Ming, representing China, held a brief meeting during which they discussed establishing diplomatic relationship between their two civilizations, ate bowls of Wang's Dumplings, and agreed that the friendship of Wuxi China Expats and the Chinese was inviolable.

After the meeting, Yao Ming told the WCE Blog that China had a lot to learn from the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "In one year, the Expatdom has achieved more that American and European Civilizations have done in all their histories put together!" said the retired Houston Rocket.

Andis Kaulins said that the Wuxi China Expatdom had much to learn from five thousand years of Chinese civilization.  "We really need to get a handle on how the Chinese have themselves going for as long as they have!  I worry that the Wuxi China Expatdom will do a Bo Jackson and fade out quickly before achieving its true potential!" said the English Teacher turned diplomat.

Together, civilizational representatives Kaulins and Yao said they hoped their meeting would be of great benefit not just to their civilizations, but to all of mankind.  Said Rep Kaulins:  "If at least this summit dispells the notion once and for ever that the Chinese are short, it will have served a great purpose!"

Wuxi China Expat Pub to Hold a Lint Night Every Saturday

"Wuxi Expats who say that there is nothing to do in Wuxi on Saturday Night now have no reason to complain!" declared Walnut Pub owner Wally Droop.  "Because now they can go to the Walnut every Saturday and take part in Lint night!"

Droop, the leggy owner of the Walnut, Chestnut and Pink Kitty Pubs, announced his pub's new weekly event at a sparsely-attended press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of the Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.

"Bring your pocket lint, your navel lint, your naval uniform lint, the lint between your toes, and the dust bunnies that collect under your bed and behind your furniture!  Collect the lint off your girlfriends or from your Chinese colleagues!  I don't care!  But bring the lint to the Walnut Pub on Saturday nights and you will receive discounts on all drinks in the pub.  Bring enough lint and you may even get free booze and a Walnut V.I.P. card which entitles you to free food from the Walnut Kitchen!" said Droop, as he pounded his fist on the podium, prompting the few, in attendance at the press conference, to make a fascist salute and scream "sieg hiel!"

Raised to a lather by the fury of the crowd, Droop announced that the competitions that would be held on lint nights.  "Every Saturday night, there will be a lint sculpture competition.  First prize is an return air-ticket to the country of your choice!  Second prize is a free meal from my kitchen!  Third prize is TWo FRee MEALS FROM MY KITCHEN!  AND THE WALNUT PATRON WHO BRINGS IN THE BIGGEST BALL OF LINT WILL GET FREE DRINKS FOR THE EVENING!!!!!!'

At this point, Droop's fury and that of the few watching his announcement, had to be doused by the water pumps of the Wuxi China Expatdom Fire Brigade, commanded by Marcus Linius Crassus.

All Natural Naked English School to Open in Wuxi, China

All Natural Naked English, one of the leading chains of  English schools in China, is coming to the Wuxi, China Expatdom!  The school, which has famously gotten Chinese students to lose their inhibitions by conducting all-nude classes, is scheduled to open in Wuxi by the start of the October Golden Week holiday.

"It is a pleasure for us to come to Wuxi, China, the world capital of Naturism!" said the head of the Wuxi, China ANNE Branch, Randy Kincaid. "I slap myself for not having come here sooner!"

Asked if he worried that the Wuxi, China market was already over-saturated with English training centers, Kincaid said it wouldn't be, once word made it around  the Wuxi China locals that All Natural Naked English was head and shoulders better than their established Wuxi competition.  "I guarantee we will crush and flatten all of the other English schools in Wuxi!" said Kincaid, looking surprisingly solemn, confident and learned for an older man who was wearing nothing but gold chains around his neck, wellington boots on his feet and sunglasses to protect his eyes from the glare of the hot Wuxi sun.

Asked why he felt so confident, Kincaid said All Natural Naked English had discovered a business model that would make students and teachers happy.  "We will pay the teachers 40,000 rmb a month and they will only have to teach six hours a week, with no office hours.  They will get a 10,000 rmb bonus if they can show up to school in time, without being drunk, for the classes.  All the classes have prepared lesson plans so that the teachers  just have to pull a binder from a shelf and walk into class.  And there's more!  Our teachers will also each get two free apartments with maid service and six return air tickets to their home countries per year.  Our students, meanwhile, will pay only 500 rmb for 100 hours of individual one-on-one classes -- 5 rmb a class!  V.I.P. students, for just 100 rmb more, will get a free Ipad already uploaded with the Poolside Harry Moore App -- a 10,000 rmb retail value  Pay the teachers well and charge the students as little as possible!  That's our business philosophy!"

"Of course, a great business model in the education industry is ultimately based on the education we give students." added Kincaid.  "Study after study has shown that uninhibited students learn better than those who have hang-ups or are shy!  That's why we insist that our teachers and students conduct all classes in the nude, 12 months a year and 24 hours a day.  In all our other schools, we have seen inhibitions quickly disappear and that there was so much more for the students and teachers to talk about!  And we so much believe in the naked education concept that we have our support staff from marketers to janitorial staff do their duties in the nude also -- they all get cold weather bonuses if they come to work on a day where the temperature is below four degrees centrigrade!"

All Natural Naked English's first school in Wuxi is near the old location of Willoughby's Wallensteinian Pub on Xueqian Street in the Nanchang District.

Wuxi China Expatdom Conservatives, Libertarians, and Hair Dressers hoping for a Romney Victory in the November U.S. Presidential Election

Wuxi China Expats with Conservative or Libertarian Political Views have told the WCE Blog that they are hoping that Mitt Romney will beat Barack Obama in the November U.S. Presidential Election.

"Romney is no great shakes.  He is after all a Massachusetts Republican.  But he is much better than that Progressive, Crypto-Authoritarian Barack Obama!" said Andis Kaulins, a Wuxi, China  English Teacher and self-described Conservative convert who wanted the world to know that there were many persons named Andis Kaulins lived in the WCE.

"I would vote for Drain Cleaner over Obama" said Wuxi China Expatdom Right Wing Talk Radio Host Marcus Levinicus, whose show is the most popular Expat radio show on the planet.

 

While the support of Right Wingers for Romney was to be expected, Wuxi China Expatdom Hair Dressers surprised many political observers by also declaring their support for Romney.  "I tend to be apolitical!" said Vittorio from the Chez Chez Hair Salon that caters to foreigners working in the Wuxi New District.  "I vote for the candidate that helps my bottom line.  And this time I am hoping that Romney takes the election.  His hair is magnificent and full-bodied, unlike Barack Obama who shaves his head.  Romney's coif becoming presidential would naturally result in sales of hair products for me as pomades and gels increasing!"

Another hair dresser, Chad Landon, who is the stylist at Chad's Salon in the Meicun District of Wuxi told the WCE Blog that for the first time in his life, he was hoping for a Republican to win a Presidential election.  "Obama has been bad for my bottom line.  Everyone has wanted wash-and-wear hair since he became elected president.  What we need for the economy is a man with high-maintenance hair.  That is why I am hoping for Mitt Romney!  Go Romney!  Gobama!"