Sarah Palin is the 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year

Sarah Palin is the 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year.

The announcement was made by Kenneshaw “Hui Shan” Landis at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of the Gambay's Pub II in Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street area.

Landis defended the decision. “I am sure there a few who would question the decision to name the controversial conservative firebrand the Wuxi Expat of the year, but we have many good reasons. For one thing, we have a lot to answer for in decisions we have previously made in giving out the award. We have to make up for the fact that we caught up in the euphoria of the Obama election of 2008 and named him the Wuxi Expat of the year of 2009. And in 2012, we named the execrable blogger Andrew Cowlinch the Wuxi Expat of the year. Wuxi Expats were right to riot after that decision – Archduke Sir Harry Moore was cheated. We wanted to give Moore the 2013 award but he refused to accept nominations, and suggested that we name Sarah Palin in his stead. Impressed and shamed by his chivalry, we immediately bowed to his request and gave Palin the nomination. Of course, Sarah was head and shoulders above the other nominees most of whom were effeminate in some way or questionable in morality in another.”

Landis then spoke for an hour praising Palin. He praised Palin for “her supreme good sense,” “not being Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, or Hugo Chavez,” “her excellent work on television,” “her defence of Phil Robertson,” “her solid admiration for the spirit of freedom prevailing in the Wuxi China Expatdom,” “her defence of the unborn,” “her fabulous good looks,” “her being like Archduke Sir Harry Moore if he would have been a female,” and “setting an example of all other Wuxi Expats about how to be.”

For her part, Palin said that receiving the 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year award was a bigger honor than being asked to to take vice-presidential spot on the 2008 Republican Ticket. “And while it was a great regret to have lost the 2008 election, it pales with the disappointment I feel that I never got to be the mother of Archduke Sir Harry Moore's children. Don't get me wrong, my husband Todd is a great man and would certainly earn a spot in the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame if he lived in Wuxi, but Sir Harry is a stud with his tousled locks of black hair, his golden smile, and his statue of David physique.

Wuxi Expats Hold Big Parade to Start the 2014 Year of the Firearm

Tech Innovator, Philanthropist, Male Model, Paul Rudkin is the 2013 Shanghai Expat of the Year.

In an announcement that confirmed what everyone knew or had already suspected, Kenneshaw Pudong Landis, commissioner of the Shanghai Expat Association, told the world that Paul Rudkin was the 2013 Shanghai, China Expat of the Year.

Mister Rudkin is the Trinity personified!” said Landis. He is pure awesomeness in three aspects as a tech innovator, a philanthropist, and a Male Model. I suspect that as long as he lives in Shanghai, the Shanghai Expat of the Year Award will be his. We may well just have to name it after him.”

Rudkin is responsible for some of the best tech innovations of the year including the Iwaffle app, the Ibottle to Crown Royal Whiskey app, and the Isteak app. “Being able to have your Ipad make waffles and steak, and pour you a drink!” is awesome said AKIC blogger Andis Kaulins. Bono, lead singer of U2, said that Rudkin has found a way to feed the starving of the world using Ipads.

Rudkin's generosity knows no bounds. In 2013, he gave billions and billions to charities all over Shanghai and South Korea. He even bought three poor Shanghai families houses and cars.

“You'd think he was the government or robbed a money the way he gives away money. But audits reveal that he has earned, by the sweat of his brow and his amazing investment acumen, every cent of the millions of dollars he has given away to charity.” said the ghost of Mother Teresa.

But it is his golden locks of tousled brown hair and his statue of David physique that earn him the most praise.

“His good looks are his ultimate gift to the world!” said Oprah Winfrey.

“Don't get me wrong. I am a heterosexual male but when The True Git walks into a room that I happen to be in, I get a tingle up one my legs and then down the other.” said Chris Matthews, the MSNBC Shanghai Bureau Chief.

“I want to bear to his children if I was a female and a super model!” said comedian Adam Carolla.

“We want to bear his children!” said the Swedish Bikini Team.

“I can't believe he is my husband!” said Rudkin's wife Lilly.

This is first of many awards Rudkin is expected to win this year. He is also in the running for an Oscar for best leading actor in the Film Gravity, a Pulitzer for his good looks, a Nobel Prize for Male Virility, People Magazine's Sexiest Male of 2013, and tech innovator of the year from Compute Magazine.

World leaders praised the choice.

Pope Francis praised Rudkin and said that he may be canonized this year making Rudkin the first Saint to ever be canonized while still awhile.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper wants to honor Rudkin by changing the name of his country to Git Land.

Not to be outdone by his northern neighbors, President Obama wants to change the name of his country to the U.S.G. The G standing for Git. It may be the only idea President Obama has had that will earn bi-partisan support. Rush Limbaugh and Tea Party activists have praised decision. Chants of U.S.G.! U.S.G.! U.S.G.! could be heard all over America whether Red States or Blue.

WCE's Curmudgeon Association Embraces Year of the Firearm

2014 to be the Year of the Firearm in Wuxi, China

2014 will be the year of the firearm in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Andrew Cowlinch, President of the Wuxi China Expat Rifle Association, made the declaration at the WCERA annual Christmas and Western New Year dinner held at the Yuval Levin Pavilion of McClintock's Bar & Grill in the Nanchang Jie Bar Street Area of Wuxi.

"2014 will be a great year for gun and freedom lovers in Wuxi, China.  The WCERA will hold many events to celebrate firearms including competitions, bullet raffles and sock hops.  We will open at least 100 new firing ranges all over the Wuxi, Jiangying and Yixing area.  Best of all, gun lovers who take their firearms to any Expat business in the Wuxi, Jiangying and Yixing area will receive incredible discounts and free merchandise!"

Phil Robertson Receives 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year Nomination

Wuxi, China Fantasy Football Team Unveils Its New Helmet Design

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A Wuxi, China Miracle

Wuxi Expat Sells His Aircraft Carrier to Local Concerns

Didley Dandy Do, a Wuxi Expat from Derbyshire, has sold complete interest in the aircraft carrier R.A.S.S. Putin to Wuxi locals.

Dandy Do told the WCE Blog that he sold the RASS Putin to his "wonderful Wuxi friend Admiral Hai Chuan" for drinks and a song. "People are telling me that I could have gotten more the aircraft carrier!" said Dandy Do. "But shucks! I love my buddy Chuan to death, and it would break my heart to see the carrier sold to interests who didn't want Chuan to be its head maintenance engineer and masseuse!"

Dandy Do told the WCE Blog that he was selling the RASS Putin in order to spend more time on his recently acquired battleship The RASS Potemkin.

Experts say that Dandy Do could have gotten more than a drink, a song, and a back-rub for the carrier which has surface area to land one thousand Boeing 787s, and area underneath for four shopping malls, ten pubs, shower facilities for a thousand sailors, and ten thousand bunk or double beds.

News of the sale was seen as an end of an era by many Wuxi Expats, many of whom had fond reminiscences of time spent on the carrier.

Andis Kaulins, the English teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the chairman of the Wuxi Elite Expat Association, told the WCE blog that the RASS Putin was the place where he earned his "sea salts." Said ET Kaulins: "It was on the RASS Putin that I earned my license to speak saltily or swear like a sailor, as the expression goes! I also learned to say "Arggy Parggy!" and smoke using a corn-on-the-cob pipe!"

Duston Short, the disgraced former midget sumo wrestling champion, told the WCE Blog that the RASS Putin was the place where he lost his virginity and so would always have a special place in his heart. "Being a cabin boy on the RASS Putin was a great experience for me. I recommend that any boy, who wants to come of age, to try being a cabin boy for a year or so! The sailors treat you extra special!"

His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty had this to say about the sale of the RASS Putin while paying a visit to the Harry Moore Hospital for Children, Orphans, and Women:  "My heart is filled with sadness and fond reminsicences now that I have heard of the news of the sale of the Royal Australian Sailer Service Air Carrier Putin.  For it was under the flight deck of the Putin, that I, along with the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, was able to plot the overthrow of the Ayatollah of Mordor and bring light, liberty, and good odours to the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

The RASS Putin which is currently dry-docked at the Wuxi China Expatdom Free Seaport on Lake Taihu will become the official property of Admiral Chuan on February 14^th. "It will be a butter sweat parting for me!" said a teary-eyed Dandy Do.

The Top Ten Pubs in the Wuxi China Expatdom

According to the Wuxi Expat Pub Journal, the top ten expat pubs in Wuxi, China in 2013 are:

1. Gambay's. #1 1912 Bar Bistrict Street. The original Wuxi Expat pub is still the best. You can't go wrong with their 1 rmb wings and 2 rmb mugs of draft beer.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. The Dilly & Dally Pub. 1957 Jiefeng Road. Just opened, the pub has caught the imagination of Wuxi Expat pub patrons, all over the solar system, with its civilized atmosphere featuring the music of Frank Sinatra and other great artists who sing standards from the great American songbook.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club. 3.14 Xiao Xiao Road. Sit on a whoopie cushion and get a free mug of Suntory Draft!
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. The Santiago Cafe. #65 Xi Hu Road. Despite the continual scheduling problems, like celebrating American Independence Day on July 8^th, the Santiago's location near the Bao Long Shopping Mall is very convenient for drunk Expats looking to catch taxis.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. McClintock's Bar & Saloon, 43 Ma Lu. Located in the Wuxi China Expatdom Double Happiness Bar & Saloon street , McClintock;s the place for Expatriate Cowboys to drink. And don't worry, whether your name is Sitting Bull or Mahatma Ghandi, the staff at McClintock's will be mighty glad to have ya!
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
6. The Pink Kitty. 69 Nanchang Jie Bar Street. The bar for those Wuxi Expat who practice alternative and neo-modern partnering arrangements.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
7. The Chestnut Pub. 1984 Hubin Road. Run by the owner of the Pink Kitty, the Chestnut Pub gets it name from a pub in the novel 1984. With its PC atmosphere and speech code, Wuxi Expat Obama supporters, liberal democrats, progressives and leftists will feel right at home.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Dangle's Participle. 118 Zhongshan Road. The pub for Wuxi English Teachers.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
9. The Walnut Pub. 1989 Hubin Road. Sister pub to the Chestnut Pub. This is the pub for those who have broken PC speech codes or voiced deviationist or reactionary opinions.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
10. The Blue & Grey Pub, 1865 Lee Lu. The Pub for Wuxi Expat Civil War enthusiasts. Whether you like reliving the campaigns of Sherman, Lee, Julius Caesar, or Chairman Mao, the Blue & Grey is the pub for you.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

Dishonorable mention: Mahovlich's Bar & Grill, #13 Meicun Road. This pub, run by Ontario, Canada Expats, suffers from bad location, no furniture, and poor management.  

Movement Afoot to Make Wuxi Expat Archduke's Last Name an Important Word in the English Language.

A group of prominent Wuxi Expats has formed a group to make Archduke Sir Harry Moore's last name "Moore" a word of great importance in the English language: the Wuxi China Expatdom We Need to Make Moore an New Word in English Society (WCEWNMMNWES).

Leader of the the WCEWNMMNWES, Doctor Samuel Johnson, tells the WCE Blog that the movement is not without its precedents. "Every other Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke's last name has resulted in the coining of a new word for the English language. Thanks to the late great Archduke Sir William Wonderful, English has the word "wonderful!" And don't forget the other great Wuxi Expat Archdukes: Sir Harold Honesty, Sir Johnathan Joyous, Sir Victor Virile, Sir Gregory Good, Sir Paul Passion, Sir Lawrence Love, Sir Andrew Sensible, Sir Robert Splendid, Sir Thomas Clever, Sir Andis Wise, Sir Ichabod Chocolate, Lord Liberty, the Duke of Jim Dandy, Sir Toby Strong, David Delicious, Sir Francis Sexy, and Sir Wallace Gentleman. All their last names have added to the beauty of the English language and to the happiness of a many a life. Before the arrival of the Wuxi Expat, humanity had not experienced Love, Honesty, Joyousness, Goodness, Virility, Wisdom, Jim Dandiness, and Chocolate!"

Other member of the WCEWNMMNWES are Mr. Dunning, (soon to be Lord Ashburton,) Mr. Samuel Dyer, Mr. Garrick, Dr. Shipley Bishop of St. Asaph, Mr. Vesey, Mr. Thomas Warton and Dr. Adam Smith, Mr. Burke, Mr. Langton, Lord Charlemont, Sir Robert Chambers, Dennis Gorman, Dr. Percy Bishop of Dromore, Dr. Barnard Bishop of Killaloc, Zach Landon, Dr. Marlay Bishop of Clonfert, Mr. Fox, Dr. George Fordyce, Sir William Scott, Fred Boily, Sir Joseph Banks, Stewart Dingle, Andy Drummond, Sir Charles Bunbury, Mr. Windham of Norfolk, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Gibbon, Sir William Jones, Mr. Colman, Tom Butler, Mr. Stevens, Dr. Burney, Dr. Joseph Warton, Mr. Malone, Lord Ossory, Lord Spencer, Lord Lucan, Raquel Welch, Lord Palmerston, Pamela Anderson, Lord Eliot, Lord Macartney, Mr. Richard Burke junior, Sir William Hamilton, Dr. Warren, Mr. Courtenay, Dr. Hinchcliffe Bishop of Peterborough, the Duke of Leeds, Dr. Douglas Bishop of Salisbury, Terry Picket, Leo A, and Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher.

Asked what the word "Moore" would mean, Doctor Johnson told the WCE blog that one first has to see what new phenomenon the word "Moore" would be used to named. "Archduke Harry Moore, has god-given talents, god-given good looks, and god-given human decency never before seen in a single human being on this God's green earth. If you say the man almost is Moore, for instance, you will be saying that is he intelligent and good-looking and passionate and compassionate and virile and articulate and well-dressed and chaste and experienced and charismatic and wonderful and handsome and has golden locks of dark hair and.... phew! It will be so much easier to say Moore! Of course, I expect that once the word Moore enters the general circulation, it will have many other uses. For instance, when a woman may say to a man I want Moore! so the man knows he has to be on his behaviour and that if he dare take this woman to bed, he must do so legally and full of virility. And when we look at a woman like Pamela Anderson or Ursula Andress, we way well describe her as being Moore which will mean that woman like this are beyond the reach of all mortal men but one: Archduke Sir Harry Moore!"

The WCEWNMMNWES's mission has received the blessing of His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty and His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI.

Sensational Images From Mars – But Is It Intelligent Life?

Less than an hour ago, the WCE CAPCOM received the first photographs sent by the Expatdom's  Zhanshen 6 Mars Mission crew, which may indicate life-forms on the distant planet.  The images, and the accompanying-report, sent by the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander, Lloyd Bridges, are being closely scrutinised by the CAPCOM's team of astrophysicists, biologists, zoologists, and other experts"

Commander Bridges said that he was exploring the Mare Utopia valley, when the discovery was made. "At first we thought that they could be some form of insectoid species", he said, " but as you can see, they resemble bipedal anthropoids!".

He reports that the Martian-creature's behaviors are even-more bizarre than the photos indicate. "Their means of communication, – if that's what it is, consist of repetitive, guttural sounds. Incomprehensible, and robotic, with no pattern".       As to their movements, Commander Bridges said that "they locomote in a bewildering lateral, or sideways-shifting, mode". "I've  dived to depths of 300 fathoms in Lake Taihu, and thought I'd seen grotesque animalcules before, but these things have got me shaking my head", said the Commander.

Inside the Zhanshen 6 Landing Module, team-commander Archduke Harry Moore has been frantically-scanning through his collection of Carl Sagan's books for some clues that may assist in identifying the Martian life-forms.  "I've flicked-though billions and billions of pages, but so far found nothing that   can help us yet", said the Archduke.                                                                                                

Reaction in the Expatdom has ranged from excitement, disbelief, and, in some cases, to fear and revulsion.  When shown copies of the images, Andis Kaulins, The English Teacher, was visibly-shaken, and required smelling-salts to recover his composure. 

Navy Commander Bridges proposes to capture one of the Martian creatures, and have it analysed and examined at the Expatdom's Strange And Weird Bipedal Anthropoid-from Mars Analysis and Examination Facility (WCESAWBAfMAAEF).

However fellow-Zhanshen 6 crew-member, WCE Royal Mounted Police Squad Commander Chief Inspector Harry Callahan expressed his strong disagreement.  "I'm not touching 'em", explained Commander Callahan. "these things could have hostile intentions. Maybe they're Red Trojan-Planet  horses. We can't put decent, law-abiding Expats at risk, - who knows what they're capable of?  I say that we leave 'em here", CI Callahan said.

Is Robert Downey Jr Coming Back to the Wuxi China Expatdom?

The reaction to rumours that Robert Downey Junior is returning to the Wuxi China Expatdom, has been mixed.

Downey, who left the Expatdom in 2011 under a cloud of disgrace after an English teaching career that saw him teach everywhere in Wuxi, is said to be contemplating a return after finding life outside the WCE to not be to his liking.

Reaction to his return, among prominent Wuxi Expats, has ranged from pandemonium to severe negativity.

Pub owner Wally Droop says he is praying for Downey's return because he hasn't yet paid off his debts from his last stint in Wuxi. Droop does admit that the charismatic Downey did bring in extra patrons to the pub who would drink and listen to Downey's anecdotes, witticisms, and excuses.

Disgraced former Wuxi China Expatdom midget sumo wrestling champion Duston Short, currently on trial for molesting himself, says he is ecstatic now that he has heard about of Downey's return. "No longer will I and Thor Lyndon be so infamous for being late for work, calling in sick, or getting fired from every school!"

Blogger Andrew Cowlinch whose satirical character Fidel Guevara Carlyle-Bassington is said to be loosely based on Downey tells the WCE Blog that he hopes Downey has cleaned up his act by having cured himself of alcoholism and drug-addiction, realized the fatal conceit of his socialism, and maybe furthermore realizing that planning ahead and showing up on time are not just bourgeois conceits to be scoffed at.

English Teacher and self-described man-about-town Farok Bagolli is reportedly very angry about a possible Downey return to the WCE. "If I see that guy I'll kill him! If you know what I mean!" Rumours abound that that two Sexpats are enemies after having been neighbors.

So far, no exact date has been set for Downey's return. In a brief interview with the WCE Blog, Downey said he was looking for the right opportunity. "I don't want to be screwed like every other time I held a job in Wuxi!" he said.

Nudist Wuxi Expat English Teacher Thinks He Has the Attributes Needed to Teach Anatomy

Farok Bagolli, a self-described Nudist and lover of local girls, thinks he is the most qualified teacher at World Wide Federated English School of Business to teach  their Anatomy classes.

"I got the body man! And one in twenty girls want to see Farok! If you what I mean!" said Farok who then quickly ended the interview when he began to suspect that the interviewer was working for the Wussie China Expatdom Blog. "I hate that Andrew Cowlinch implying that I am a prevert! I am not. I haven't slept with that many girls considering how many I could have if I didn't just want to sleep with young girls."

The noted Wuxi Expat Naturist philosopher Wudwig Littgenstein called Bagolli's belief, that he was most qualified to teach Anatomy classes, a fatal conceit that was a product of the deranged Nudist philosophy. "Nudists believe that it is their duty or calling to show young girls their private parts. Nudists further think they should eschew all modesty when naked. A Naturist, enthused with a divine love of the blessings of his body, never takes off his modesty even when he is naked. Nudism is clearly a heresy on Naturism and I think that Prime Minister Mango should excommunicate Bagolli and his ilk from the Expatdom where they clearly threaten our supreme form of government, our Divine Naturist Constitutional Monarchy!"

Wuxi Expat Pub to Hold Backward Dancing Night

The Pink Kitty Pub, on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street, is to hold a Backward Dancing Night every Tuesday.

"What better way is there for a Wuxi Expat to know his fellow Wuxi Expat than by backward dancing!" said the Pub's owner and manager Wally Droop who was dressed in high heels, pink hot pants and a foo-foo blouse with angel wings.

"There will be drink specials all night long and a backwards dancing contest.   Lucrative cash awards will be given to the most creative dance pair, dance trio, choo-choo train, and freelance grinder!" added Droop.

Wuxi Expat Archduke Completes First Ever English-Mandarin-Martian Dictionary

Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore, currently on the surface of Mars with the Zhanshen Six Mission, has completed the first ever dictionary of the Martian language for English and Mandarin speakers.

For the Archduke, it was but one month from the conception of the idea of the dictionary to its final completion on Wednesday of last week. The English-Mandarin-Martian Dictionary contains over a million Martian words from all forty-five of its dialects. The Archduke completed the massive undertaking in about 27 days by working day and night, only taking time off to drink some water and make love to his wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny. "When you realize that the Archduke had to first master Mandarin before he could even start the dictionary, the feat becomes even more amazing to us mortal beings!" said Noah Webster, the author of the Webster's Dictionary, who currently lives in the WCE.

The Archduke says he got the idea to write the dictionary from his wife the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny. "She has been reading Boswell's Life of Johnson and has been daring me to top the great Doctor's feat of writing a dictionary of English Language by himself!" said the Archduke.

Now that he had finished his dictionary of the Martian language and dialects, Archduke Moore says there will be no rest. "My darling Moneypenny also wants me to top Doctor Johnson's feats as a poet, an essayist, a moralist, a literary critic, a biographer, and an editor as well before we head back to the planet Wuxi China Expatdom."

"Depend upon it Sir!" said the Archduke. "Behind every man who aspires has a woman pushing him!"

The Archduke is not the only member of the Zhanshen Six Martian Mission crew engaged in literary efforts. Command module pilot Lloyd Bridges is writing a history of the Martians. Chief Engineer Fred Minkleman is writing a guide to making Martian cocktails. The driver of the Martian Cruiser Harry Callahan is writing a series of Detective Novels featuring the character Mister Marspole. Martian module pilot Gregory Peck is editing the Jane's Guide to Martian Aircraft. The Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny will be the chief editor of the online Martian version of Cosmopolitan.

The English-Mandarin-Martian Dictionary will be available at all Wuxi China Expatdom bookstores and on the Harry Moore App after the Spring Festival.

Ontario, Canada Wuxi Expat to Sue Himself for Sexual Harassment.

Duston Short, disgraced former Wuxi China Expatdom Sumo Midget Wrestling Champion and English teacher, is to sue himself for sexual harassment.

Short, from Ontario, Canada, alleges that he has been sexually harassing himself for years. "For the longest time I have been taunting myself about my man-breasts and talking about my breast size in front of myself and other people. In private, I used myself to satisfy my most craven and inappropriate desires by making myself do, to myself , the most unnatural and unspeakable things involving corkscrews, butt-plugs, my pet dog Clancy, the Webster's Dictionary third edition, bicycle seats, forced motor-boating, soap dispensers, hand-held shower heads with the perforated nozzles adjusted so as to give a strong spray of water up the high road that goes my kilt, Shetland ponies, DVD players, toy train track, barbed wire, a rolled-up piece of newspaper, and/or a beer bottle. Sometimes, I would lock myself in a bathroom or a dungeon if I didn't give into my sadistic whims! One time, I took a box of cigarettes and put it between my legs and told myself that here was some box that I desired! Another time, I made myself pay to have sex with a prostitute! It was so humiliating! Still another time, I got myself drunk and made myself cavort with Wally Droop! I kept taking advantage of the fact that I was lonely and had no one else to love!" said Short, who broke into sobs during his interview with the WCE Blog.

When he was able to continue, Short added, "The worst part is the fact that I have shown no remorse for the crimes I did to myself. I have deluded myself into thinking that I am to blame – blame the victim, you could say. That was why I couldn't report the harassment sooner."

Representing Short in the suit against himself, is attorney Friv E Louse of the firm Louse, Siren, Chaser, Slip, and Fall. "We will petition the WCE court to conduct the suit under Australian law. My client says he wants kangaroo court justice which his pub-owner and confessor Wally Droop tells him is the law which will give him the justice he deserves!" said Louse.

Star attorney Kun Williamster, of the firm Williamster, Johnrane, Perryson, Atch, Barbama, and Allanchersvitz will defend Short against himself. "So what if the glove fits. It could have shrunk! But be that as it may! I think the judge should throw the case out of court right away! I don't think my client will deny the things he has done! He will deny that he was a victim and that in fact he enjoyed and consented to every depraved moment he had with himself. In fact, he was asking for it! For as they say, justice without taxation might as well be the death of us who feel really strongly about it. It is an issue of human rights! We do have the right to be depraved as long as the depravity doesn't get out of hand and an eye gets gouged out, except if it is an accident like happened once to my client. And the fact is my client isn't black, so those of you who don't have a prejudice against him on account of this, don't think you have to make him guilty just so as to stop a riot! There won't be, because no one sheds tears for my client. In fact, he is a bit of joke to everyone in the Wuxi China Expatdom. And those of you who are prejudiced against black people, you should just stick to the law of the matter! Furthermore, what most of what my client did was immoral, it wasn't illegal! The state and the law has no right to control what goes on in my client's underpants, while he is wearing them. It also has no right to monitor what goes on in his secret dungeon – it is his property like his private parts. My client has the right to own corkscrews and handcuffs. He followed all licensing procedures when he owned the ponies, the dogs, and the monkey till it ran away! Of course, if you don't think these arguments are convincing! Think about this! Suing oneself for harassment is really silly! In a way, it is like kicking the can down the road or not having skin in the game. Of course, my client has a lot of flabby skin and it was his game and no one in the game wasn't there except because he wanted to be there. And so what if there were no shes there. In the WCE, you can marry a rolling pin if you want to!" said Williamster at a press conference held at the Marcia Statford Pavilion of Mahovlich's Bar & Grill in the Meicun District of Wuxi, China.

Opening arguments in the case, to be held at the #7 People's circuit court in Meicun, will be heard on Friday, January 10.

End of National Hockey League Strike Means Male Wuxi Expats Can Shower Undisturbed

Not only Wuxi Expats from Canada are happy that the National Hockey League Strike is over. In fact, all male Wuxi Expats are happy and relieved that the NHLPA and the NHL owners came to an agreement to end the labor dispute that had threatened to put an end to the 2012-13 NHL season.

"When a male Canadian Wuxi Expat can't think about hockey, I have learned his thoughts turn to other men. And if they think for a long time about other men, the thoughts become obsessions, and then these Canadians will get in heat, and then they will go on rampages like love crazed mooses from which no male expatriate is safe whether he showers in public or private facilities." says Australian-American Thor Lyndon, an English teacher and part-time body builder, who says he hasn't been able to take a shower since early November. "These guys named Sittler, Mahovlich, Savard, Dryden, and Turnball came to my gym, were spotting me, eying me lasciviously, and of course we had intimacies in the shower which is what you have to expect if you are a body-builder. But, then it got out of hand. I then would be showering in my apartment, minding my own business as it were, when I would hear a fantastic moan and feel a Canadian charging at me. Two minutes, I hear them say "Sorry eh! I don't know what came over me!" And I don't know how these Canucks get into my apartment."

Lyndon is not the only male expat to complain. Male Wuxi Expats, from all countries in the world except England, have complained about being charged at by love-struck Canadians while trying to take showers.

John Rusty Saul, leader of the Wuxi Royal Expatriates from Canada Council (WRECC), told the WCE Blog that they would pay repatriations to the male Expats who had been molested during the strike. "You know eh! We Canucks love our hockey you know eh! The reason the hockey was invented was that we wouldn't end up like Sodom and Gomorons eh! Thank Be Jesus that the strike is over with. Now we can think of that them there hockey game! 'Cuss as the song goes: the good old hockey game is the best game you can name, and the best game you can name is the good old hockey game!"

Archduke Sir Harry Moore Wins the 2012 Wuxi Expat Best Legs Award

The announcement that Archduke Sir Harry Moore has been voted as having the best legs in the Wuxi China Expatdom for 2012 has resulted in massive celebrations among Wuxi Expats whether they be in Wuxi City, the Shanghai Colony, Bosnia-Herzegovina, or Yixing.

The announcement was made at a special gala held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China. 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year Andrew Cowlinch was given the honour of making the announcement, but going to the podium, he was roundly booed and the target of rotten vegetable and egg throwers still angry that he, and not the Archduke, had won the Expat of the Year award. For the longest time, Cowlinch was not able to make the announcement till the audience was soaked with the fire-hoses of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Brigade commanded by Marcus Linius Crassus. When Cowlinch did make the announcement, the audience went into such joyful hysterics that Commander Crassus again had to order the the use of the fire-hoses on them.

The celebration quickly spread to the streets of the Wuxi China Expatdom. Mass impromptu Prisyadka dancing, kilometre long conga party trains, and Gangnam Style Dancing could be seen everywhere. Sailors from the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy could be seen kissing nurses from the #2 and #4 People's Hospitals. Arab Wuxi Expats fired automatic weapons into the air. Young men, who had only an hour before been throwing rocks at the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Riot Squad, were seen to be dancing and hugging and sharing a drink with Squad members. His Majesty King Gorzo the Mighty, who is normally one to go to bed early, stayed up an extra two hours to celebrate with his wife Ayira: the Chosen one.

And it wasn't only in Wuxi City proper that the celebrations occurred. Colonials in Shanghai, Suzhou, Beijing, Chongqing, Kunming, and Hong Kong held massive celebrations as well. An estimated eight billion Beijing Expats gathered in Tiananmen Square to celebrate the Archduke's victory.

For his part, the Archduke, who is currently on the surface of Mars with the Zhanshen Mission, had a low-key celebration. After making love to wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny five times in succession, the Archduke held a small party along with the four other Zhanshen Six crew members and half-a-million Martian girls wearing yellow-polka bikinis and jumping on trampolines.

The Archduke delivered the following acceptance speech: "It is with great pride and the deepest humility that I accept the honour of having been voted as having the best legs among Wuxi Expats in 2012! I consider it the greatest honour to have ever been bestowed on me. And Gosh! I don't know who I am going to thank! But I will try! I apologize in advance to those who I neglected to thank. There is a spot for you somewhere in my heart! I want to begin by thanking my wife Miss Moneyenny. Without her, I would never have learned how to maintain my legs. I had varicose veins till she changed my diet resulting in my legs having a glossy sheen to them. I should also thank my good friend and spiritual mentor: Pope Benedict XVI. I have been blessed to have many great friends, but Ben, as I like to call him, is the best. I also want to thank Clint Eastwood, the three Wuxi Expats named Andis Kaulins, G Gordon Liddy, David Lean, Ian Fleming, Van Morrison, Marc Steyn, Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan, Adam Smith, Cardinal Newman, Omar Shariff, Meatloaf, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Pierce Broslund, Demi Moore, Ursulla Andress, Roger Moore, Sting, the Canadian Curling Hall of Fame, Major League Baseball, Jackie Chen, George S Patton, John Wayne, the WCE Trio, Hans Zimmerman, Wally Droop, Leo the Greek, Ivan Fence, Terry Pickett, Fred Astaire, William F. Buckley, Tony Kaulins, Marcus Linius Crassus, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Lloyd Bridges, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Commander Gregory Peck, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander General Colonel Harlan Sanders, all the members of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, all Wuxi China Expat colonials, Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, the wife of the Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Wonder Woman, Sammy Dangle, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force Commander Harry Callahan, Supreme Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Military Force General Clarence Chugwater, Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McCluskey, the commissioner of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, Raquel Welch, Pamela Anderson, Fred and Frank Minkleman, PSY, Dan the Man, Dom Deluise, Sammy Davis Junior, Paul Rudkin, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Willy Aardvark Crazy Kook Yakushev Hardy, Cher, Her Majesty the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom Ayira: The Chosen One, and His Majesty the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty."

World leaders, upon hearing the announcement, flooded phone and radio lines, hoping to be the first to congratulate the Archduke on winning the Best Legs Award. The first to get through was North Korean leader Kim Jung Un who said he would take into consideration Moore's advice and possibly ask PSY to perform in Pyongyang. It was said that U.S. President Barack Obama tried forty times to congratulate Moore using Skype, MSN Messenger, Facetime, and his China Telecom long distance card before finally being convinced by his wife, the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, and vice president Joe Biden to give up.

Asked what his plans were for 2013, the Archduke said it was going to be hard to replicate the year he had in 2012 but that was going to try. "I hope to achive a Wuxi Expat grand slam next year. That is, I want to win the 2013 Wuxi Expat of the Year Award, the 2013 Wuxi Expat Best Legs Award, the 2013 Wuxi Expat Most Admirable Pectorals Award, and the Connie Smith Award given to the Wuxi Expat whose conduct is most gentlemanly."  

Wuxi Expats Riot in Street to Protest Blogger Winning the 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year Award

Despite being given a dose of common sense, in the forms of pleas, from the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force, His Majesty the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty, Her Majesty the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom Ayria: The Chosen One, Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, The wife of the Wuxi China Expatdom Wonder Woman, and Archduke Sir Harry Moore, Wuxi Expats are rioting in the street to protest the awarding of the 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year title to the Blogger Andrew Cowlinch, also known as Wussie Andrew.

Peaceful protestors are carrying signs saying "Fix!", "Shame!", "Andrew Cowlinch is a Putz!", "Why award libel?", "I am calling my lawyer!", "Hang the Schnooks responsible for this outrage!", "Cowlinch = Nudnik", "Cowlinch is a Yutz!", "The 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year is a Nebbish? Oi Vey!", "This is Mishuga!", and "Harry Moore is Yidisher Kop and a Mensch also!".

Violent protesters have been setting fire to buildings only to be arrested by Officer McNulty of the WCERMP and have the fires stopped and the buildings restored so that they are as good as new by Firefighter Marcus Linius Crassus; throwing rocks at the Wuxi China Expatdom Riot Squard commanded by Stone Lockheed, and joining the Wuxi China Expat Temperance League in order to break beer bottles at Wuxi Expat pubs.

Authorities hope that the announcement of the winner of the 2012 Wuxi Expat Best Legs Award will cool the ardour of Expats angry at Harry Moore not winning and Andrew Cowlinch winning the 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year award.

Wuxi Expat Blogger Andrew Cowlinch Wins the 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year Award.

In the biggest upset since the Americans beat the Soviets in an Ice Hockey match in the 1980 Winter Olympics, Wuxi Expat Blogger Andrew Cowlinch, also known as Wussie Andrew, was named the 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year.

The victory stunned the Wuxi China Expatdom, from the forests of Bosnia-Herzegovina to the red sands of the planet Mars, where most had expected either Archduke Sir Harry Moore or the crew of Zhanshen Six, the WCE mission to the planet Mars, to win.

Some Wuxi Expats not only expressed surprise at the announcement but also disgust. “Sure, Wussie Andrew's blogging, when he was assailing the dastardly former King of Wuxi, had been heroic in the manner of Our Lord giving his life on the cross for the sins of mankind.” said Cardinal Newman, the Bishop of the Wuxi China Expatdom, “but what has he done lately?”

“What has he done lately?” answered Wuxi Expat Pub Owner Sammy Dangle. “Taken overheard bits of conversation and use it against all expats to satirize them. I mean like come on! Not all Wuxi Expats are perverts, some Wuxi English Teachers care about their jobs! Some even know their English grammar! Why award this Cowlinch fellow for well-poisoning? He should be given drain cleaner to drink and sent back to his home country to do whatever it was he was doing there – sitting on the dole or delivering pizzas or something!”

Harry Moore admirers, a billion of who had gathered at the three Harry Moore Squares in Wuxi to celebrate the Archduke's expected victory, were needless to say, very disappointed. “We spent our life savings to be here on this night of nights – the night that Archduke Sir Harry Moore was to win the coveted Wuxi Expat of the Year Award.” said Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, billionaires from America. “All we have accomplished in life has now amounted to nothing. We demand an investigation!”

The Archduke, for his part was very philosophical about not winning. “I suppose I will have to try harder next year!” said the Archduke, who until the announcement was universally acclaimed as having had the greatest year of individual accomplishment in human history. “Either that, or the streak of success I was having had to come to an end!” added the Archduke who spoke via radio from the surface of Mars where he is now stationed with Zhanshen Six.

Blogger Andrew Cowlinch, after being named the 2012 Wuxi Expat of the Year, called his victory a victory for truth. “It is nice to see that the Wuxi Expat of the Year committee has the courage to award open-and-frank truthfulness. I guess that they, like me, were disgusted by the recent Obama election victory, and saw a need to award truth-telling!”

Wuxi Expats Get Drunk on New Year's Eve

Initial reports from all around the Wuxi China Expatdom indicate that many Expats got drunk on New Year's Eve.

Thor Lyndon, English Teacher, said he got "absolutely wasted!" on New Year's Eve.

Farok Bagolli, an Albanian Canadian Expat, told the WCE Blog that he "got hammered and lucky!"

Duston Short, disgraced former midget sumo wrestling champion of the WCE, got so drunk that he reportedly ended up sleeping naked in the shower stall at pub owner Wally Droop's apartment. Both Droop and Short said they don't know how it happened.

Only two Wuxi Expats didn't get drunk. Andrew Cowlinch and Bam Bam Cowlinch, the first father and son pair to be nominated for the Wuxi Expat of the Year Award in the same year, stayed home.  They spent New Year Eve's with Wilma, a local girl who is their wife and mother respectively. "I must be getting to be like the locals.   December 31 night means nothing to me!" said the father who is also known as the infamous blogger Wussie Andrew.