Thursday, December 31, 2015

Wuxi Expat Harry Moore Named 2015 Suzhou Expat of the Year

Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus has finally won an Expat of the Year award.  It is the one honor that has so far eluded him in a life which has seen him win Nobel Prizes, Hall of Fame inductions and championship rings from major athletic competitions in sports as diverse as Ice Hockey, Australian Rules Football and American Football.

The only problem is that he has won the award in a jurisdiction that he did not actually reside in or even visit for the entirety of 2015:  The Suzhou China Colonial Expatdom.  And so questions and even protest about the award have arisen from some quarters.

Double Saint Harry was given the 2015 Suzhou Expat of the Year by the Suzhou Expat of the Year Search Committee, an official organ of the Suzhou China Expatdom Colonial Government (SCECG).  

Suzhou China Expatdom Colonial Governor Gilligan Biden said the following when making the award announcement:  "In late 2014, agents of the SCECG were able to visit the Wuxi China Expatdom and obtain a lock of the Archduke fabulously tousled black hair.  With appropriate pomp and ceremony, the lock of hair was placed at the center of a fabulous ten square kilometer sized shrine (encrusted with gold, diamonds and rare gems)  where Suzhou Expats, by the millions, go to each day to worship and pray to the spirit of the Archduke.  So busy are Suzhou Expats worshiping the Archduke that they don't have time to do things that may make them eligible to be Expats of the Year.  So, you see, we had no choice!  After no one could pass the local driving test -- our last desperate try at getting a local Expat of the Year -- we had to make that lock of hair our Expat of the Year."

Wuxi Expat Bar Patrons have been most vocal in their opposition to the Archduke being named the Suzhou Expat of the Year, and are forming the Wuxi Expat Bar Patrons Expeditionary Force (WEBPEF) to invade Suzhou in order to teach Suzhou Expats that, in the words of Pink Kitty Pub owner Wally Dangle, "Harry Moore is and will always be a Wuxi Expat, true and blue."

Wally Dangle, who has made himself the supreme commander of the WEBPEF, says that he has millions of volunteers as well as pledges, from his more wealthy patrons, of tanks, SAM missiles, self-propelled 155 mm caliber Howitzers, fighter planes, bombers, conventional and amphibious aircraft carriers, small arms, whoopee cushions, joy buzzers, and recordings of Obama speeches in order to terrorize Suzhou Expats.

For his part, Archduke Harry responded to news of the award with humility and genuine gratitude.  "I want to express my heartfelt thanks to the fine colonials of the Suzhou Expatdom for the award.  I do wonder, along with my fellow Wuxi Expats, if I am truly deserving of the award.  Be that as it may, I am extremely honored.  Suzhou Expats are among the most loyal colonial subjects that our great Wuxi Expat King, His Majesty Sir Alec Guinness, has in his realm.  Though they are a simple, heathen people, accustomed to walking bare foot and living in simple shanty housing, Suzhou Expats are authentic because of their primitive relationship with the Earth and their amusing relationship with technology.  I sometimes envy their low-tech unmaterialistic ways.  I hope one day, if my film and charitable work allows it, to visit the Suzhou Expatdom and receive the award in person.  As for the ten million dollars that comes with the award, I suggest that it be given to a worthy charity for poor Suzhou Expats or the presidential campaign of my good friend Ted Cruz!"

Asked by reporters when he thought of talk of the WEBPEF invading Suzhou, Archduke Harry acted sanely and talked derisively.  "As I was saying, Suzhou Expats are the best colonial subjects the Wuxi China Expatdom have.  They very much need and appreciate having Wuxi Expats, the superior Expat, governing their affairs for them.  So why in God's name would we invade a loyal colony and then torture them with recordings of Barack Obama?  I suggest to Wally Dangle and his bar patrons that they put their phony bravado back in the bottle from where they have drunk it!"

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Pope Benedict XVI Emeritus is the 2015 Wuxi Expat of the Year

Long time Friend of Wuxi Expat Archduke Harry Moore, New Resident of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Pope Benedict XVI Emeritus has been named the 2015 Wuxi Expat of the Year by the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog and the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame.

Judge Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, commissioner of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame had the following to say about Pope Benedict XVI, aka Joseph Ratzzinger, when he made the 2015 Wuxi Expat of the Year Award winner announcement:  "Anybody who is a man of faith, is a friend of Archduke Harry Moore, and has resided in the Wuxi China Expatdom is certainly a great man worthy of an award.  And to be a Pope as well and thus so full of sanctity, Joseph, as I call him, rises to the even higher level of Wuxi Expat of the Year material.  To meet a man who has as much sanctity, virility, humility, and intellectual breadth and depth as our Archduke Harry is truly amazing!  We all thought Joseph was Harry's older brother the first time he walked into Gambays!  We even began to call Harry and Joseph, the Emeritus brothers until we realized that Emeritus wasn't a family name but a title.  And to continue on with  the Harry-Joseph friendship, I have to say that what Archduke Harry has done for Wuxi Expat discussions about cinema and manhood, Pope Benedict XVI has done for Wuxi Expats discussions of Theology and Moral Philosophy.  These dialogues have risen to the level of the sublime.  We can only hope that there is a Wuxi Expat Plato type around to record them for further generations of Wuxi  Expats to read and to be educated by."

News of Pope Benedict's award was greeted with unanimous approval by patrons of all Wuxi Expat Pubs as well as shut-in Wuxi Expats who didn't get out much.  Wally Dangle, owner of the Pink Kitty, said that the 2015 award went a great way to regaining the trust the award committee had lost when it had awarded the 2014 Wuxi Expat of the Year award to the repulsive Andis Kaulins: the Andis Kaulins who was an English teacher and not the Andis Kaulins who was an elite Wuxi Expat or the Andis Kaulins who was a blogger for the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog.

Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus greeted the news of the honour bestowed on his friend with tears of joys.  In a rare moment of emotion, the always calm and serene Archduke Harry choked up for a half second before waxing poetically about his Vatican friend.  "Joseph, as I call him, is an inspiring man of faith.   He and I go way back.  I couldn't count the hours that we stood side-by-side in many seminary classes, and the many rounds of golf we played together.  Joe was a scratch golfer.  One time I was actually able to beat him Ten hole-in-ones to Nine at the Augusta Country Club.  It was the greatest moment of my golfing career.  He was very supportive of my decision to give NFL football a try; and I gave him my Super Bowl ring to show my appreciation.  And then there was his dancing.  He and Fred Astaire taught me all tricks of the dancing trade.  They showed me how to attract millions of my film lectures by just doing a little cha-cha-cha in top hat and tails.  I also can't tell you how much behind the scenes work he did in the two projects I am most proud of:  The Poolside Harry Moore and my little film Machismo Unleashed.  When questions of philosophy, metaphysics, poetics, aesthetics came up during those projects, Joseph was always able to give us the wisdom we needed to hone the projects to perfection."

Pope Benedict XVI, when informed of having won the award, said he was blessed and expressed gratitude to Archduke Harry.  "I was without a gig after retiring as Pope, when Harry and his wife the blessed Mrs. Miss Moneypenny took me under their arms and had me move out to the Wuxi Expatdom.  I very much appreciated their helping me settle in the Wuxi China Expatdom and getting me a nice apartment.  I was further blessed to have Harry make me the Spiritual and Metaphysical consultant for his film Machismo Unleashed.  The position was as challenging as being Pope but with the shorter hours I needed at my advanced age!"

The Wuxi Expat of the Year Award is considered the second most prestigious annual award that can be bestowed on an Wuxi Expat.  Previous winners have been Barack Obama, the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, the English teacher Andis Kaulins, Wuxi Expat King Gorzo the Mighty, Sarah Palin, and Junior Wuxi Expat Tony Kaulins.  

Tech Genius, Male Model, Philanthropist and Former Wuxi Expat Paul Rudkin Is the 2015 Shanghai Expat of the Year

Paul Rudkin has been named the Shanghai Expat of the Year for an unprecedented third year in a row and thus has been granted all the privileges normally bestowed on humans who have achieved divine god like status on Earth.

By winning his third award Expat of the Year, Sir Rudkin the Mighty, entered a class of his own among all the great Shanghai Expats.  Other great Shanghai Expats like George Best, Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, Donnie Osmond, John Wayne, Fred Astaire, Hank Williams, and Oprah Winfrey had only managed to win two Shanghai Expat of the year awards.

Rudkin won his third consecutive Expat of the Year award, according to the awards committee, by being a hundred times more tech savvy, sexy and generous than he was in 2014 and a thousand times more tech smart, more virile and giving than he was in 2013.

With his third consecutive award, Rudkin was declared a Divine God by the Shanghai China Expatdom Colonial Administration.  (The Shanghai Expatdom is a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom.)

The declaration of his divinity said the following: "We who are not worthy, which is every Shanghai Expat, must bow to our knees and plant our faces on the ground for two minutes if we see an image of Rudkin the Mighty.  If we are blessed by his divine, magnificent presence, we must stay on the ground for a further ten minutes and ask for permission to kiss his feet.  And if we have the monumental privilege of  being able to exchange words with him, we must constantly declare our gratitude and unworthiness to be in his presence."

The declaration also announced plans to honor Sir Paul "for eternity with a great burial chamber and monument for which all Shanghai Expats, whether slaves or freemen, will take part in its construction."

Details about the plan for the construction of the tomb, which will take 75 years to build, are still not completed.  What is known is that the tomb will take up 100 times the land area of the Shanghai Disneyland.  On the tomb's surface with be a great pyramid that will be ten times the size of the Pyramids of Cheops and be made of blocks of gold or titanium that, as well, will be ten times the size of those used to construct the monument to the Pharaohs.  In the the enormous chamber beneath the Pyramid, Rudkin the Mighty will be be buried with an army of ten million terracotta Swedish bikini models and Korean girl band members.

To honour Rudkin the Mighty in his life time, hundred meter tall solid gold statues of him will erected on every block in the Shanghai metropolitan area.

Rudkin, with great humility, thanked the Shanghai Expatdom government for the award and the divine status declaration, and then dedicated the award to the great Wuxi Expats.  "I really got my awarding winning Expatriate chops by spending my formative years in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  When you rub elbows with King Gorzo the Mighty, Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, Rabbi Aaron Goldberg, Prime Minister Mango, PM Mango's wife Wonder Woman, the elite Expat Andis Kaulins, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Junior, the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, pub owner Wally Dangle, pub owner Fred Minkleman, Wuxi Expatdom Armed Forces Commander Clarence Chugwater, Wuxi Expatdom Royal Air Force Marshall Gregory Peck, Sir Lawrence of Wuxi, Wuxi Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Royal Wuxi Mounted Police Commissioner Harry Callahan, Royal Wuxi Mounted Police officer McNulty, Bruce Lee, and of course the redoubtable Archduke Harry Moore, you can't help but appear divine and god-like to Shanghai Expats.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Wuxi Expats Building Wall to Keep Suzhou Expats out of Wuxi

Wuxi China Expatdom King Alec Guiness has given royal assent to a bill passed unanimously by the WCE Parliament authorizing the construction of a wall between the Wuxi and Suzhou Expatdoms.

At a ceremony officially proclaiming the bill's passage, His Majesty was joined by His Prime Minister the Naturist Herbert Demarcuse, His Leader of the Loyal Opposition the Nudist Handy Dandy Mahovolich, and the Leader of the Christian English Teaching Democrats, Dang Ling Modifier.  The three leaders, who have come previously come to blows on the floor of parliament and in the parliamentary lockers and at Just-A-So-So's Pub, locked arms in an unprecedented show of tri-partisan agreement to build the wall and stem the tide of Suzhou Expats seeking to cure boredom by visiting the Wuxi Expatdom.

Not one peep of disapproval of the pending construction of the Wall could be heard among Wuxi Expats.  Andis Kaulins, the elite Wuxi Expat who doesn't want anyone to mix him up with the Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher, said the passage of the bill approving construction of a Great Wall was "the best Christmas present that citizens of any sovereign area anywhere and at anytime in human history have received from their government!"

Wally Dangle, owner of the Pink Kitty Pub, celebrated news of the Wall's construction by having a week of free drinks for all who would come to his pub.  He told WCE Blogspot of the many complaints that he and other Wuxi Expats had about visiting Suzhou Expats:  "They don't wear shoes: they wear dirty underwear on their heads; they steal our e-bikes; they want to marry out cattle; they speak barbarous dialects of the universal Expat language like French, Ontario Canada English, and Mexican; none of them know classical Latin or Greek; they are fans of the films of Quentin Tarrantino; they wear beards and tattoos;  they don't like country music; they think like Democrats; they think Jack Kerouac is literature; they complain about being victims; and they are pagans!"

Construction of the 10,000 mile long, 100 meter tall, Great  Suzhou-Wuxi Wall which will coil around the Wuxi Expatdom 15 times, and which will have 50 caliber machine guns placed every 10 meters will begin on January 1, 2016 and be completed by March 15, 2016.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Harry Rifles Are The Top Wuxi Expat 2015 Christmas Purchase

Harry Rifles, designed by the world's greatest firearm manufacturers in honor of Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus, are the top purchase of the 2015 Wuxi Expat Christmas shopping season.

Shane Shannon, owner of Wuxi Firearms, a leading Wuxi Expat gun dealer, tells the WCE Blog that he has sold all of the fifty million Harry Originals that he had in stock.

"I could sell a billion Harry Rifles if I had them in stock!" said Shannon, whose other gig is teaching English to local kindergarten students.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Wuxi Expats, Rat Pack and Jerry Lewis Lookalike Society Join Together to Form the Most Power Military Alliance in all of Human History

The World balance of power was shaken utterly to its core yesterday after it was learned that the three coolest and strongest armed forces in the world:  The Wuxi Expatdom Armed Forces of King Alec Guiness, the Rat Pack of Frank Sinatra, and the Jerry Lewis Lookalike Society (JLLS) of Francois Louistonne had signed a treaty of military alliance.

According to military experts at Jane's, the Alliance which calls it itself the Hey There Pact or the HTP for short, will have ten times the number of tanks, fifteen times the number of aircraft carriers, thirty five times the number of Jets and Strategic Bombers, and a million billion times the coolness as the rest of the world's armed forces combined.  As well, the HTP will have the world's only fleet of amphibious aircraft carriers, the world's only squadron of flying tanks, ballistic missiles capable of hitting the proto-planet Pluto, and uniforms, both combat and dress, designed by Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Harry Moore Emeritus and Elite Wuxi Expat Sir Andis Kaulins (who is not be be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher, the Andis Kaulins who is a blogger and another Andis Kaulins who also has a blog but has nothing to do with Wuxi, China).

The three great powers of cool held a joint press conference at the Chris C Dodd Memorial Auditorium and Annex of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi.  The three delegations were represented by Wuxi Expatdom King Sir Alec Guiness, Chairman of the Board Frank Sinatra, and Count Francois Louistonne de Roucheford, who looked a dead ringer for the Jerry Lewis, star of the 1961 Film the Errand Boy.  Other prominent personages of the three delegations attending the press conference included Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Harry Moore Emeritus, Wuxi Expat King Gorzo the Mighty Emeritus, Rat Pack and Wuxi Expat Baron Sammy Davis Junior, Wuxi China Expatdom Air Marshall Gregory Peck, Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges,  Rat Pack Air Marshall Dean Martin, Wuxi Expat Greek Orthodox Archbishop Makarios, JLLS Viscount Milton Berle, JLLS Archbishop Saint Augustine, and the consort to the Wuxi Expatdom Monarch:  the Azanian Countess Boogie Candy Edeilwess.

Speaking for the Alliance of Cool, Wuxi Expat King Alec Guiness said:  "With a slowing world economy, and an increasing fecklessness among leaders and voters of the normally responsible nations of the world, we, the Alliance of the Cool, The Hey There Pact, have come to the conclusion that we are now living in dangerous times.  It is only proper that our three organizations form a military alliance, based on charity, mutually assured security and a sublime coolness, that is in keeping with the greatest styles of human history!"

Seeking to second what His Majesty said, the chairman of the Jerry Lewis Lookalike Society, Count  de Roucheford performed an amusing series of pratfalls which included his getting electrocuted, being strangled by the waistband of his undershorts, pulling a fish from his pockets, knocking over the rostrum and getting his finger stuck in the medallions of Archbishop Markarios; and then said:  "Ah.  Yeah.  Whatever it is the King said, I, OWWWWWW!!!  WOOOOOOO! ah... second.  You know like the thing he said about the cool and the stopping other people and stuff!"

All the questions from the thousands of media personnel were for Double Saint Harry Moore about his planned uniform designs.  Double Saint Moore told the media, who listened with bated breath to every word he spoke and every sigh he made, that he was still thinking about them.  "Suffice to say," said the Double Saint, "that I will incorporate elements of the aristocratic coolness of Fred Astaire, the he-manliness of my good friend Clint Eastwood's cowboy duds, and design suggestions made mention of in the movie Patton for the dress uniforms!  And it goes without saying that my combat uniform designs will take into account any strategic and tactical requirements that my good friend Wuxi Expatdom Armed Forces General Clarence Chugwater and his colleagues on the HTP General Staff have for me."

Reactions among World leaders was mixed.  Pope Benedict XVI Emeritus praised the alliance and said it was "truly a blessed thing" and that he was proud to say that he was "good friends with the man who was to design its uniforms."  Chinese and Russian leaders blasted the alliance saying that it wasn't at all fair and was ruining their fun.  There was no reaction from the administration of the United States of America where rumors are circulating that President Obama, a man who prides himself on his coolness and being with it, was having a hissy fit in the basement of the White House because he was not asked to join.  It is also rumored that he is extremely concerned and resentful at what, he senses, might be insinuations that his handling of global affairs has been feckless.

The alliance's first joint exercises will take place at Lake Tahui and on the plains of the Hui Shan District.  There are rumors that film crews will record the exercises and use footage in Machismo Unchained, which is Double Saint Archduke Moore's sequel to his 25 trillion dollar grossing film Machismo Unleashed.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Wuxi Expat Socialist Loses Pants. Blames Capitalism

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Ivan Fence came to work without pants last week.  In face of stern admonishment from school management, staff and some students, Fence was defiant and said Capitalism was to blame.

"Wearing pants is really a  bourgeois conceit, when you think about!" said Fence, who moonlights as a pub socialist spouting his socialist ideology to anyone who will buy him a drink or lend him a cigarette.

In an interview with the editors of Wuxi Socialist, the official magazine of the Wuxi Expat Anarchist Socialist Egalitarian Lesbian Society (WEASELS), Fence continued his harangue:  "We are in the People's Republic of China for goodness sakes!  None of us should be practicing the so called bourgeois virtues of saving money, wearing underwear, paying off debts, paying off bar tabs, coming to work on time, thinking ahead, coming to work sober, getting married or taking showers!  Chairman Mao, Che Gueverra, Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez would be rolling in their graves if they saw us imitating the worse excesses of the bourgeiose!"

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus Plans to Do Popular Film Lectures in Smaller Venues.

It is a rare human being indeed who has the opportunity to talk about one of his side interests to a massive crowd of over a million people and then have the crowd engage in acts of mass euphoria as a result of his talk.

It is even a rarer person indeed who chooses to stop engaging with large crowds full of millions of admirers who live and breath on every word he says, even the conjunctions,  prepositions and interjections.

And so Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus further added to his status as the second all time greatest person of human history -- first greatest of all humans who aren't divine -- when he announced he will give his massively popular film lectures in smaller venues.

"After all these years of lecturing in squares and stadiums capable of holding a million plus people, I plan to deliver my lectures on films in smaller venues, like arenas normally used for basketball or ice hockey matches, and then further scale down to my favourite venue:  the classroom, where there will be forty students tops!" said the Archduke, a seven time inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, at a press conference held before 75,000 assembled members of the media at the Bar Square of Just-a-Soso's pub in Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street district.

Responding to anguished members of the media, who hadn't at first fainted when hearing his announcement and who wanted to know why he was scaling down the number of possible lecture attendees, the Archduke, who is the only person who to be canonized by the Catholic Church while still alive and twice at that, said:  "It is darn hard to do a Q&A after my lectures because of the dancing and shrieking, and I can never get someone to ask me an question that isn't fawning and sycophantic.  I think in a classroom on a weekday morning -- a better time of the day than Friday and Saturday evening --I may have a thoughtful question from a lecture attendee."

The Archduke, who is a Nobel Prize Winner in literature, cinema and economics, gave an explanation that seemed to satisfy all of the media and they thus were able to quickly regain their composure.  But controversy momentarily erupted as the co-leader of the Wuxi Expatdom Sexpat-Feminist Alliance, Deloris Morris ran at the Archduke and asked why he was banning women, with the exception of former Alaska State governor Sarah Palin,  from his lectures.  The Archduke, who did commentary tracks for the Lawrence of Arabia film special edition DVD in seven languages fluently, responded by saying:  "I don't know what it is about young and older female students but they keep interrupting my lectures by blowing kisses at me, taking off their clothes for me, asking me to marry them, or screaming and fainting like the times I was performing concerts with my mates John, Paul, George and Ringo in the first half of the nineteen-sixties."

After some thought, Morris said that the answer of the Archduke, who is the only Australian to quarterback a Super Bowl winning team, to her question made sense and she apologized to the Archduke.  She then said that she was mistaken to have been a feminist and announced her conversion to the Catholic Church.

Reaction from  leaders and important religious personages around the world to the announcement of the Archduke, who with his wife Mrs Miss Moneypenny were the first people to make love on the Moon, was swift and very understanding, once they heard what the Duke, who is the first human to have stepped on the surface of Mars, had to say.  Pope Benedict XVI, the one world figure to have not fainted when he heard the news, praised the Archduke's decision.  "Harry -- and I call him that because he is my best friend -- is the only person I know who is capable of taking the mass adulation he has received in stride.  Harry Moore is a real Jimmy Stewart ah-shucks kind of guy.  That is, if Jimmy Stewart is as he seems to be in his films.  But there is always the worry that some demagogic imitator, a Julien Felsenburgh or Barack Obama type, will try to imitate my friend Harry's accomplishments. So Harry, the master of prudence that his is, has made a very prudential decision. God Bless him!"

The announcement of the Archduke, whose film Machismo Unleashed has to date grossed over 19.64 trillion dollars at the box office, had immediate repercussions for the 2016 U.S. presidential race.  Many experts speculate that Wisconsin Scott Governor Scott Walker's surprising decision to bow out of the the race was really due to his desire to have one of the 40 coveted seats for Moore's Film Studies seminar which starts at Wuxi's Southern Yangtze University in February 2016, the same time actual votes in primaries will be cast.  Many observers also believe that Donald Trump's boast that he had "two great seats, front and center," for Moore's lecture would finally remove any semblance of loyalty that hithereto devoted Trump followers had had for the Donald.

When asked about who could register in his film lectures course and what he thought of the Donald's boast, the Archduke, whose book The Poolside Harry Moore is only second to the Holy Bible for total worldwide sales, said:  "The course is open to the truly deserving of good will and personal sanctity whether they be rich or poor, Jew or Gentile, black or yellow or brown or white, old or young, naturist or nudist, Democrat or Republican, and born in a even-numbered year or an odd-numbered year of our lord, just as long as they aren't fans of that horrible Quentin Tarrantino and his ilk who like to make pornography, whether sexual or violent.  Donald, who I have lent money to on a few occasions, is welcome to submit an application to take the course. Though if he is as rich as he says he, he won't be eligible for a scholarship...  And he could give me back the money he owes me!  Not that I need it, mind you.  I would give the money to charity, build a couple children's hospitals.  But there is a principle at stake here!"

The Archduke, whose two kilometer tall, gold-encrusted statue graces the grounds of the Wuxi Expatdom Vatican Annex, will hold his final arena film lecture in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada's Keystone Center in January.  The Archduke, who is considered a hero to Shanghai Expats and Suzhou Expats because of his efforts to teach them to use the wheel, make fire and  wear shoes, told WCE blogspot that he had fond memories of singing with WCE Inspector Harry Callahan at the Keystone Center at the 2009 World Expatdom Vision Song Contest.  "I hope I don't sound boastful, but it was truly sublime to be singing a duet with Callahan while accompanied by the soulful and jazzy strummings of the WCE Trio, music arranged by Nelson Riddle and Hans Klingerer, with of course, Archbishop Makarios providing back up vocals!"

Monday, September 7, 2015

WCE Authorites, Experts, "Baffled" by Eruption of Donalds

Wuxi China Expatdom
September 7, 2015

- There are strange things happening in the Expatdom, according to the WCE's government.
In the last three months, 285,456 babies were born in the Expatdom's palatial maternity wards. That is not unusual; but every one of the newborns has been christened "Donald", - both male and female.

- Expatdom officials, sociologists, biologists, zoologists, and a legion of other 'ists' are unable to explain the phenomena.

- One of the Expatdom's longtime residents, and curator of the Hall of Fame, Kennesaw "Hui Donald Shan" Landis, said that he had taken legal means, by deed-poll, to alter his name.
Experts see no end to the outbreak of Donalds, calculating that by 2030, some 28 million expats will be named 'Donald'.

- Archduke Harry Donald Moore, is equally perplexed. "I haven't the foggiest", he said.

- Bewildered expats of faith have turned to the Church, seeking spiritual guidance on the mystery of why so many Donalds are in the WCE. Archbishop Donald Makarios, speaking outside the Basilica of St Donald, shrugged his shoulders, "I hate to duck the question, but this is beyond theology",  said His Grace.

- The Expatdom's genial, well-known bar-owner, Donnie Droop, and his two sons, Donald, and Donald, all said that they don't really care, as long as the beer is cold.

- Reporters today visited the Expatdom's greatest military commander, Field Marshal Colonel Harlan Donald B. Sanders, who was relaxing at his villa on the shores of Lake Taihu. The Colonel, feeding ducks in his pond, (all named Donald) could offer no explanation. "Ah don't know what ta think", he said. He paused for a few moments and sighed reflectively. "Ah spent half ma' life building m' fried chicken shops all over the WCE metropolitan area. Figured I had the market cornered; I guess we had around 5,000 outlets in business, last time I counted. But now th' opposition is killin' ma' livelihood, all I see now are MacDonalds, everywhere I look", growled the Colonel. "Gotta face it, they've trumped me".

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Archbishop Makarios Intervenes, Calls for Peace, in Escalating Border Dispute

Wuxi China Expatdom
August 25, 2015

              The WCE's Greek Orthodox Prelate, Archbishop Makarios, today stepped-in in a personal bid to ease dangerous tensions that erupted between the Expatdom and the bordering Suzhou Expatdom.
        For the past week the militarized-zone that separates the two realms has been bombarded by broadcasts of music, news, and useless facts, in an effort to demoralize the opposing Expats, who have technically been at war for the past 1,256 years.

            - The dispute began when Suzhou Expats installed loudspeakers and promptly began
playing patriotic songs. Initially, the Suzhou Expats played contemporary Suzhou hits such as Bill Haley and The Comets' 'Rock Around the Clock' for periods of around 20 hours each day.
The WCE's Harry Moore responded by taking-up a microphone, and reading-out the inauguration speech of Andis Kaulins into the Hall of Fame, a recitation that took two and a-half days and nights to complete.

           - In a bid to defuse the deteriorating situation, the secretary of the Suzhou Expats Progress Association, Mr F.A. ('Fa') Kinhell, agreed to a truce, however hopes were dashed when members
of Suzhou's radical Barry Manilow Fan Club, once again piped 'Mandy' through the border-speakers for three days in a continuous-loop.
Harry Moore, enraged by what he called a 'premeditated, provocative, presumptuous, pesky prelude to all-out-war', retorted with endless renditions of  the highly-incendiary 'The Chicken Dance', played at breath-taking Led Zeppelin-speed.

           - Last night the Expatdom's well-known Australian mine-host Wally Droop added to the barrage by playing his own vocal recording of  'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts', a tune that military-experts consider to be lethal at distances of up to a half-kilometre.

Archbishop Makarios today knelt at the iconic Checkpoint Charlie Chaplin, and prayed fervently that cool heads might prevail, or, that the loudspeakers would blow up under the strain.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Archbishop Makarios Visits, Blesses, the Expatdom's Greatest Living Teacher

    - His Grace, Archbishop Makarios today paid an official visit to the school of the Expatdom's
foremost English Teacher, Andis Kaulins (not to be confused with at least two Wuxi expats of the same name).
    - Arriving in modest style outside the school, His Grace took the opportunity to bestow blessings upon the well-known WCE Barbershop Quartet, as well as honest and hardworking citizens. He then proceeded inside to be received by Sir Andis Kaulins.

    - The Archbishop said that he felt regret that he was unable to visit and pay his respects earlier, however his pastoral obligations had delayed him. "The former King of Wuxi", he said, "committed
heresies upon my Church, including desecrating the sacred premises. He sold the gold candlestick-holders". "It has taken me a month of untiring effort to redress the sins perpetrated".

      - His Grace was keen to welcome Andis Kaulins back to the Expatdom. "I was well-aware of Andis Kaulins' recent travels to Belair, and Vegas. It was right and proper of me to call upon him, give thanks for his safe return, and, to ask him all about his trip. I was delighted to see his snapshots too". 

     -Veteran Expatdom-watchers noted that the Archbishop and Andis Kaulins share long hours discussing complex theological issues, current events, and some commentators believe that His Grace
relies upon Andis Kaulins for up-to-date news of important matters within the See.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Sight of Wuxi Expat's Ankle Arouses Other Wuxi Expats Into Becoming Better Human Beings

Despite his being nude in front of millions of people on many occasions, there are no known photos or video of Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus fully unclothed.

A task force commissioned by the United Nations, of Nobel Prize winning physicists, economists, sociologists, chemists and psychologists, to investigate this lack of images published an exhaustive study on this matter. They came to the conclusion that the Archduke's physicality is of divine nature and thus can't be recorded by known image recording human technology. "You need very special and expensive cameras to take photos of the sun's surface. Currently, we don't possess the technology to take of the Archduke's chest and thighs. It gives up an aura that isn't on the known electromagnetic spectrum." said the head of the task force, psychologist and radio talk show host, Milt Rosenburg.

The best record of the Double Saint's physicality is a surveillance photo of his ankle taken by midget who had been planted by ex KGB agents in a bush near the Archduke's home as part of an assassination attempt in 2012, the year of a thousand attempts on the life of the Archduke.

The photo which was released on the Internet quickly went viral. "It was the most astounding image of a human ankle ever recorded!" said Juri Borkov, a Russian Wuxi Expat.

When the photo was revealed to be the ankle of Double Saint Moore, the image quickly became a religious I-relic. People all over the world are downloading the image and putting it on their desk tops and then spending hours staring reverently at it. Printing the image and displaying it in public will stop workers and pedestrians dead in their footsteps. One person with a printed image of the glorificus ankle was able to blackmail a million dollars from the Fox Com in Shenzhen China by threatening to show it to workers on the production line making Iphones.

But for the rest of humanity, the image of the Double Saint's ankle has been an impetus to explore one's conscience and become a better human being. A great number have been so moved as to discover religion or to return to the faith of their parents.

In the Wuxi Expat Pub Community, the change has been incredibly remarkable, as Wuxi Expats, whether they be English teachers, pub owners, businessmen, or engineers, after seeing the ankle image have decided on great changes in attitude to their lives.

One Wuxi Expat Pub Owner, Fred Minkleman, has decided to quit his pub owner job by dissolving his very profitable business. "Looking at the divine quality of Harry's ankle, I had this rush of conscience overcome me. I had to stop making money of the weaknesses and vice of alcoholic and drug-taking English teachers, businessmen and engineers. I have decided I will join a monastery and take up a vow of silence and abstinence from alcohol."

Many English teachers say they have turned to religion and given up fornication, adultery, pedophilia and tardiness. One teacher Duston Short said he was quitting the English Teaching profession altogether because of seeing the Archduke's ankle."Teaching, Me realized after seeing Moore's ankle is a vocation, not excuse to shagging under the age of girls. Me also has a reveal that my English is like not so well. Also me stop being gay!"

One long time Wuxi Expat, businessman Larry Drysdale, has taken all his ill-gotten profits and given it to the poor. "I want to start up a new religious order: the Brothers of Charity. I have to make up for the dissolute life I have lead of wheeling, scheming and dealing!" said Drysdale.

One Wuxi Expat Engineer, Karls Heinz Audi Hambuggler has decided to marry his long-suffering girl friend. "No more Bill Clinton philandering for me. You know. I am gonna make a woman out of my Sugar Candy!"

Suggestions by Wuxi China Expatdom Studies department the world over that the misanthropic blogger Andis Kaulins, not to be confused with Andis Kaulins the Elite Expat and Andis Kaulins the English teacher, would not be aroused by the photo of Sir Harry's ankle have proven to be unfounded. In an exclusive interview where he was grilled by Deloris Morris of WXBC News, Blogger Kaulins said the following: "No longer will I sit smugly on the sidelines and satirize Wuxi Expats. Thanks to my friend Harry's ankle, I have realized that I should be more active in seeking to improve the quality of Wuxi Expats. So, in the spirit of loving one's enemies, I am going out and kicking their asses! Starting of course with that English Teacher Andis Kaulins. Yes. Thanks to Double Saint Harry's ankle, I have seen the light!"

Saturday, June 6, 2015

His Grace Visits, Honours Eminent Wuxi Expat

Archbishop Makarios writes: 

          "This morning I finally realised the cherished dream of every Archbishop, that of personally paying a formal visit to the Casa, where I met with Andis Kaulins, The Expatdom's foremost
English Teacher. I arrived in the WCE only a few weeks ago, and although I was champing at the bit to pay my respects to Andis, urgent ecclesiastical matters took precedence.

Today however, I rose at 3am, and after bathing in Lake Taihu, spent three hours in my devotionals.
My chaplains attended to my clothes and accoutrements. I went without any repaste, as I didn't want to spoil my appetite when I arrived at the Casa.
It was a 26 kilometre walk from Lake Taihu. My aides were worried as to my health in exerting myself in the 38C heat, however I shrugged that off as a mere trifle. I informed them that my goal was to see the radiant smile of Andis Kaulins. Waving-aside their concerns, I said 'I'd walk 10,000 miles for one of his smiles'.

Upon my arrival, the gilded sacred gates were opened for me, and soon I was in the presence of
the English Teacher. We embraced warmly.  I had the honour of joining the family at their meal-table; I instructed my aides to bring pizzas. Following the meal, Andis and I retired to his study. After
prayers, we sat back and enjoyed a wide-ranging discussion on a number of issues. Before my departure, I raised my Silver Staff, and, passing from room to room, conferred the blessings of the
Autocephalous Greek Orthodox Church upon the home, and all who sail in her."

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Film Expert Archduke Harry Moore films, and Subtitles, The Archbishop's First Public Speech in the Expatdom

  The well-known cineophile, Archduke Harry Moore, was on-hand to film the historic moment outside Gambays, when the newly-arrived Archbishop Makarios delivered his maiden speech, a tribute to the warmth, piety, and, the legendary generosity of spirit, of Wuxi expats.

Archduke Moore writes: "It was an honour.  But not without challenges. His Grace, for reasons unknown, elected to speak in the Italian tongue. However, to hear the full text of this important message, simply:

- locate the 'settings' button, lower right. It is shaped like a little wheel, or cog, see it?
- Click.
- Then, you merely select a translation into any language of your persuasion. Naturally, the official language of the Expatdom is the Queen's English, so that will accurately-render His Grace's text, in my extensively-researched subtitles."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Wuxi Expat Marries the Wuxi Zoo

Lyle Fitzgibbons, a Wuxi English teacher, readily admits he is a "little off."

Talking about his decision to marry the Wuxi Zoo, Fitzgibbons says he is not doing it because of the animals.

"I don't much care for animals!" says Fitzgibbons.

So why marry a Zoo?

Fitzgibbons says he loves Zoo infrastructure. "I love the cages, the metal bars, the double locked doors, the elaborate security, the barbed wire, the barriers between the cages and the public. I could kiss and hug them and I couldn't give a damn if there are animals in them or not."

Asked why he hasn't married a prison, Fitzgibbons said that these structures aren't available to the public. "I imagine that if my parents had taken me to the prison to see criminals, I would have fallen in love with cells and security systems, but alas, that didn't happen.

Fitzgibbons will marry the Wuxi Zoo on the 6th of June at the QuickieWedding Chapel of Gambay's Pub in the Nanchang Jie Bar Street.  Archbishop Markoris will preside.

The couple plan to spend their honeymoon at the Shanghai Wildlife Park.

The Wuxi, China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to recognize marriages between Expats and inanimate objects.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Wuxi Expat Wins Inaugural Nobel Prize in Cinema

Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus is now a Nobel Laureate.

In Stockholm, Sweden, the Nobel Committee announced the awarding of inaugural Nobel Prize in Cinema to Archduke Sir Harry Moore from the Wuxi China Expatdom.

The Nobel Committee decided to create the award for Cinema after the staggering reception that Moore's first film Machismo Unleashed has had on the World (it has, as of this report, grossed over 5 trillion USD, worldwide, at the box office), as well as the previous tremendous impact Moore's film lectures and DVD commentaries had made to the understanding of the cinematic art.

"No person in history," said Nobel Committee Cinema Chairman Lars Erik Sjoberg, " has done so much to make cinema an legitimate art form as his Archdukiness, who has produced in the field of cinema the most outstanding work in an ideal direction."

As soon as Archduke Moore's Nobel recipient announcement was made, world nation leaders, except for one, were quick to praise the creation of the prize and its awarding to Moore.

In the United States, it was Vice President Joe Biden who offered his government's praise to the Archduke for winning the award. Biden unfortunately couldn't escape doing so without a gaffe when he said it was "good to see the Nobel Prize awarded to someone who actually deserved it." Spokesman for the Vice President later said that Biden was objecting to the awarding of the Nobel Prize in Economics to Milton Friedman, not to President Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Biden at a later press conference, said Obama "really deserved the award unlike Friedman who was awarded the peace prize but turned out to be a terrorist all along."

Also praising the Moore's Nobel Prize was the Pope Benedict Emeritus who made a rare public appearance to extend his congratulations to Archduke Moore. "I want to offer congratulations to Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus, a man of great wisdom, and knowledge. He's a man who serves the Lord. And we remember well a film lecture he did at the Vatican -- how his words touched our hearts and the hearts of millions. We join our fellow citizens and millions around the world who pray for him to make a sequel. If I may be so bold as to suggest a title for it, I hope very much to would like to see blessed Harry make Machismo Unchained!"

The Archduke was tracked down by reporters in Wuxi, China and said the following about becoming a Nobel Prize recipient: "Given my reactionary political stances, I am surprised to have received a reward from the Nobel committee. So I first want to thank them for overcoming their ideological biases. Also, I want to say that I couldn't have received this award without the behind the scenes cooperation of many including my wife Miss Moneypenny, the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, His Majesties King Gorzo the Mighty and King Alec Guiness, Her Majesty Ayira: the Chosen One; and many of my dear friends including David Lean, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee, Steve McQueen, Wuxi China Expatdom Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Wuxi China Expatdom Armed Forces Commander General Colonel Harlan Sanders, Andis Kaulins the elite Wuxi Expat – not the Andis Kaulins who is an English Teacher or the Andis Kaulins who is a blogger, Wuxi Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Inspector McNaulty, Gambay's Pub Owner Fred Minkleman, and Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Marshall Gregory Peck."

Asked what he was going to do with his award medal, the Archduke told members of the press to ask his wife. Miss Moneypenny said: "Oh! I suppose I will put it next to darling Harry's three Academy Awards, his five Pulitzer prizes, his seven Stanley Cup Rings, his Super Bowl Ring, his three Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame induction medals, his world welterweight championship belt, his seven Wuxi China Hall of Glorious Foreigners medals, and his autographed photos of David Lean and Sammy Davis Junior."

Archduke Harry Moore is the third Wuxi Expat to have a Nobel Prize. In 2012, Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: the Chosen One won the Nobel Prize for Economics, and her husband Wuxi China Expat King Gorzo the Mighty won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Wuxi Expat Film Sets Box Office Receipt Record on Its Opening Weekend While Also Getting Rave Reviews

Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus's film Machismo Unleashed, which he co-directs with Clint Eastwood and stars in with Steve McQueen and Bruce Lee, opened on the second weekend of May and achieved absolutely staggering box office receipt numbers, while earning universal praise from movie reviewers, making it one of those very rare films to achieve both commercial and artistic success.

Machismo Unleashed's opening weekend was the greatest for any movie in cinematic history, earning two trillion dollars in box office receipts worldwide, a thousand times more than Avator, the previous box office receipt leader, and in fact more than the top one hundred grossing movies of all time combined for their entire histories.

To achieve such numbers, many extraordinary steps were taken to allow as many people as possible to see the film. The movie was shown in all the hundred thousand seat football and soccer stadiums all over the world. In many cinemas, patrons didn't mind sitting on laps in order to get two or three times more than normal in a cinema. Many professional sports leagues cancelled their games to allow their facilities to be shown the film. In America, Major League Baseball players vowed to go on strike if their game weren't cancelled so they too could see the movie.

Film critics are unanimous in the film's greatness saying another movie of such quality won't be released in a thousand years unless of course, the rumors of Saint Harry working on a sequel Machismo Unchained are true.

Archduke Harry, who during the weekend had a level of popularity never experienced by any other human at any other time in human history, actually spent his time quietly at his 2 bedroom Wuxi apartment. “I went out once to buy myself a carton of Zhongnanhai. Other than that, I re-watched some of my favorite David Lean movies with my wife” said Moore, who with a winsome and coy smile, tossed his tousled hair back before declining to say if he was working on a sequel or not.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Archbishop Makarios: A Self-Introduction

      My dear friends of the Wuxi China Expatdom, I offer you all my greetings and blessings.
I am absolutely delighted to be here, at last, in the Expatdom: I have hoped and prayed for this honour all my life.
     As Archbishop of the Greek Orthodoxy, I will be here for at least twelve months, for there are many tasks to fulfill.   Firstly, I am to supervise the restoration of the church-buildings. As beautiful as they are, I must see that extra seating can be arranged, to cater for the millions of parishioners here. And new choir-boys must be trained.

My other purpose is to minister to my flock. And, I hasten to add, I will be delighted to welcome Expats of all faiths, into the ample warm bosoms of our cloisters.

Upon my arrival here at the train station only a few days ago, I received a warm welcome, plus a triple-kiss, from your well-known resident, Sir Leo Hondrokookis, president of the Jiangsu Guild of Greek Taverners.

Immediately after, I was besieged by members of the Greek and Cypriot Expat community. Naturally I was delirious to see so many Greeks bearing gifts for me.

I hope you will bear with me in my initial settling-in period here, so much is new to me. On my first night, for example, I made my way to your Mr Droop's wonderful establishment. Much of the language there was new to me, - many words and phrases that I am not familiar with.

Your culture is rich and splendid, every night so much to see and do! Last night, in your 1912 Bar District I attended a performance of Spandau Ballet - the ballerinas were world-class.

I fondly look-forward to meeting both the Archduke Moore, and Sir Andis Kaulins; they are household names back in my native country. I am aware however that those gentlemen are much-occupied at this time in their cinematic works, and so I will defer my audience with them for now.
Few people are aware that I, an Archbishop and Primate, am a keen devotee of movies. Some years ago I was directly involved in the production of that Greek war-movie epic, Acropolis Now.

            My dear Wuxi Expat brothers and sisters, I bless you all.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

1.3 Trillion Dollar Movie is a Labour of Love for Wuxi Expat

Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Harry Moore Emeritus says that post-production work has been finished on his major film Machismo Unleashed.

Archduke Moore has co-directed Machismo Unleashed with Clint Eastwood. He also co-stars in the movie with the ghosts of Steve McQueen and Bruce Lee.

Machismo Unleashed, which has a budget of 1.3 trillion USD, making it the most expensive motion picture ever made, is a labor of love for Moore. "Let me tell you. My wife the Archduchess Miss Moneypenny and I really had to skimp and work hard to raise the money to produce the film. We even had resort to doing things like taking public transportation and becoming professional naturists. I also had to deliver film lectures in all 175 countries of the world before paying crowds as big as five million to make this project happen."

Archduke Moore said Machismo Unleashed cost so much to make because he and his co-director Clint Eastwood eschewed any CGI graphics. "We have scenes in the movie where we destroy multiple aircraft carriers, deploy a million woman Swedish Bikini Army, and reenact the great Lisbon and Tangshan Earthquakes of 1755 and 1976 respectively, which are 100 percent WYSIWYG." said Moore.  "We used real live people in authentic period costumes using actual technology of the time that we lovingly recreated."  Asked why he didn't like using CGI technology, Moore said "They're a bit of a cheat really and I don't believe in cheating my audiences!"

Asked to describe what his film was about, Moore spent some time considering the question before finally saying the following: "I think that this buddy, on-the-road, epic, philosophical , adventure, suspense, musical is going to add hundreds of new words to the lexicon of movie-making. How to describe a movie that is funny, dramatic, medieval, modern, pre-historical, post-impressionist, set in every epoch of human history, sensual, erotic, toe-tapping, full of manly virility, full of womanly femininity, reactionary, biblical, and completely in keeping with the teaching magisterium of the Catholic Church all at the same time in a 150 minute movie?  Modern journalists and writers are going to have a hard time, I know, but I think of it this way: I am giving writers the world over some chances to coin some new words or maybe force them to actually consult their Funk & Wagnall's. Basically, all the things that have ever concerned me about human existence and God and what we must do to save our souls in this world or in the next are in this little film of mine.  As well, it is an attempt on my part to raise the cinematic art.  When the great Sir Kenneth Clark said films were ephemeral, it hurt me to the core, but I immediately realized he had a point.  And so I got to get together with my good friend Clint Eastwood and we spent hours in the hot tub and on the golf course, with our wives by our sides, discussing the matter, hashing out every possible solution to what we called the Kenneth Clark problem.  I think the results of our musings is a film that is paradigm shifting: a challenge that we wish Lord Clark was alive in order to give us a response."
Asked how important the film was to him,  the Archduke said:  "Machismo Unleashed is the labour of my life. It is a labour of love, I should say, that is only second to my performing my duties to my wonderful wife Miss Moneypenny!"

Machismo Unleashed is scheduled for worldwide release in May 2015.