Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tech Genius, Male Model, Philanthropist and Former Wuxi Expat Paul Rudkin Is the 2015 Shanghai Expat of the Year
Monday, December 14, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Wuxi Expats, Rat Pack and Jerry Lewis Lookalike Society Join Together to Form the Most Power Military Alliance in all of Human History
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus Plans to Do Popular Film Lectures in Smaller Venues.
Monday, September 7, 2015
September 7, 2015
- There are strange things happening in the Expatdom, according to the WCE's government.
In the last three months, 285,456 babies were born in the Expatdom's palatial maternity wards. That is not unusual; but every one of the newborns has been christened "Donald", - both male and female.
- Expatdom officials, sociologists, biologists, zoologists, and a legion of other 'ists' are unable to explain the phenomena.
- One of the Expatdom's longtime residents, and curator of the Hall of Fame, Kennesaw "Hui Donald Shan" Landis, said that he had taken legal means, by deed-poll, to alter his name.
Experts see no end to the outbreak of Donalds, calculating that by 2030, some 28 million expats will be named 'Donald'.
- Archduke Harry Donald Moore, is equally perplexed. "I haven't the foggiest", he said.
- Bewildered expats of faith have turned to the Church, seeking spiritual guidance on the mystery of why so many Donalds are in the WCE. Archbishop Donald Makarios, speaking outside the Basilica of St Donald, shrugged his shoulders, "I hate to duck the question, but this is beyond theology", said His Grace.
- The Expatdom's genial, well-known bar-owner, Donnie Droop, and his two sons, Donald, and Donald, all said that they don't really care, as long as the beer is cold.
- Reporters today visited the Expatdom's greatest military commander, Field Marshal Colonel Harlan Donald B. Sanders, who was relaxing at his villa on the shores of Lake Taihu. The Colonel, feeding ducks in his pond, (all named Donald) could offer no explanation. "Ah don't know what ta think", he said. He paused for a few moments and sighed reflectively. "Ah spent half ma' life building m' fried chicken shops all over the WCE metropolitan area. Figured I had the market cornered; I guess we had around 5,000 outlets in business, last time I counted. But now th' opposition is killin' ma' livelihood, all I see now are MacDonalds, everywhere I look", growled the Colonel. "Gotta face it, they've trumped me".
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
August 25, 2015
The WCE's Greek Orthodox Prelate, Archbishop Makarios, today stepped-in in a personal bid to ease dangerous tensions that erupted between the Expatdom and the bordering Suzhou Expatdom.
For the past week the militarized-zone that separates the two realms has been bombarded by broadcasts of music, news, and useless facts, in an effort to demoralize the opposing Expats, who have technically been at war for the past 1,256 years.
- The dispute began when Suzhou Expats installed loudspeakers and promptly began
playing patriotic songs. Initially, the Suzhou Expats played contemporary Suzhou hits such as Bill Haley and The Comets' 'Rock Around the Clock' for periods of around 20 hours each day.
The WCE's Harry Moore responded by taking-up a microphone, and reading-out the inauguration speech of Andis Kaulins into the Hall of Fame, a recitation that took two and a-half days and nights to complete.
- In a bid to defuse the deteriorating situation, the secretary of the Suzhou Expats Progress Association, Mr F.A. ('Fa') Kinhell, agreed to a truce, however hopes were dashed when members
of Suzhou's radical Barry Manilow Fan Club, once again piped 'Mandy' through the border-speakers for three days in a continuous-loop.
Harry Moore, enraged by what he called a 'premeditated, provocative, presumptuous, pesky prelude to all-out-war', retorted with endless renditions of the highly-incendiary 'The Chicken Dance', played at breath-taking Led Zeppelin-speed.
- Last night the Expatdom's well-known Australian mine-host Wally Droop added to the barrage by playing his own vocal recording of 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts', a tune that military-experts consider to be lethal at distances of up to a half-kilometre.
Archbishop Makarios today knelt at the iconic Checkpoint Charlie Chaplin, and prayed fervently that cool heads might prevail, or, that the loudspeakers would blow up under the strain.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Wuxi China Expatdom
August 14, 2015
- Expats are once again practicing for this year's Conga-Line Championships, commencing on September 8.
- An annual event, it is a hotly-competitive and gruelling competition. It is believed that an estimated 31 million-odd Wuxi Expats will participate. Teams will comprise people of the diverse WCE backgrounds, organised along either national, or occupational, conga-lines.
- Lake Taihu's Young Jehovah's Witnesses will participate for the first time this year, as will the
visiting Washington Trumpers team. The Turkish Pirates, German Inebriates, and members of the
Canadian diaspora will once again take part. A dark-horse this year will be the 1912 Bar District Naturists, who may compete au natural, although authorities are said to be hesitant following
last year's embarrassing 'incident' on the uphill-slopes of Mount Hui Shan.
- Some doubt hangs over the Australian Beer-Drinkers' Squad, which is still struggling to learn the
method of walking in a conga-line together, although weekly lessons have been arranged.
- A 'first' for later in the year will be the Expatdom's inaugural Winter Conga championships, with an international field expected. The WCE was chosen after a fiercely-fought bidding struggle with the Nanjing Guild of Warm and Friendly Congarers, sometimes known as the Waist-Grasping Fireflies.
Friday, July 24, 2015
- His Grace, Archbishop Makarios today paid an official visit to the school of the Expatdom's
foremost English Teacher, Andis Kaulins (not to be confused with at least two Wuxi expats of the same name).
- Arriving in modest style outside the school, His Grace took the opportunity to bestow blessings upon the well-known WCE Barbershop Quartet, as well as honest and hardworking citizens. He then proceeded inside to be received by Sir Andis Kaulins.
- The Archbishop said that he felt regret that he was unable to visit and pay his respects earlier, however his pastoral obligations had delayed him. "The former King of Wuxi", he said, "committed
heresies upon my Church, including desecrating the sacred premises. He sold the gold candlestick-holders". "It has taken me a month of untiring effort to redress the sins perpetrated".
- His Grace was keen to welcome Andis Kaulins back to the Expatdom. "I was well-aware of Andis Kaulins' recent travels to Belair, and Vegas. It was right and proper of me to call upon him, give thanks for his safe return, and, to ask him all about his trip. I was delighted to see his snapshots too".
-Veteran Expatdom-watchers noted that the Archbishop and Andis Kaulins share long hours discussing complex theological issues, current events, and some commentators believe that His Grace
relies upon Andis Kaulins for up-to-date news of important matters within the See.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Archbishop Makarios writes:
"This morning I finally realised the cherished dream of every Archbishop, that of personally paying a formal visit to the Casa, where I met with Andis Kaulins, The Expatdom's foremost
English Teacher. I arrived in the WCE only a few weeks ago, and although I was champing at the bit to pay my respects to Andis, urgent ecclesiastical matters took precedence.
Today however, I rose at 3am, and after bathing in Lake Taihu, spent three hours in my devotionals.
My chaplains attended to my clothes and accoutrements. I went without any repaste, as I didn't want to spoil my appetite when I arrived at the Casa.
It was a 26 kilometre walk from Lake Taihu. My aides were worried as to my health in exerting myself in the 38C heat, however I shrugged that off as a mere trifle. I informed them that my goal was to see the radiant smile of Andis Kaulins. Waving-aside their concerns, I said 'I'd walk 10,000 miles for one of his smiles'.
Upon my arrival, the gilded sacred gates were opened for me, and soon I was in the presence of
the English Teacher. We embraced warmly. I had the honour of joining the family at their meal-table; I instructed my aides to bring pizzas. Following the meal, Andis and I retired to his study. After
prayers, we sat back and enjoyed a wide-ranging discussion on a number of issues. Before my departure, I raised my Silver Staff, and, passing from room to room, conferred the blessings of the
Autocephalous Greek Orthodox Church upon the home, and all who sail in her."
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Film Expert Archduke Harry Moore films, and Subtitles, The Archbishop's First Public Speech in the Expatdom
The well-known cineophile, Archduke Harry Moore, was on-hand to film the historic moment outside Gambays, when the newly-arrived Archbishop Makarios delivered his maiden speech, a tribute to the warmth, piety, and, the legendary generosity of spirit, of Wuxi expats.
Archduke Moore writes: "It was an honour. But not without challenges. His Grace, for reasons unknown, elected to speak in the Italian tongue. However, to hear the full text of this important message, simply:
- locate the 'settings' button, lower right. It is shaped like a little wheel, or cog, see it?
- Then, you merely select a translation into any language of your persuasion. Naturally, the official language of the Expatdom is the Queen's English, so that will accurately-render His Grace's text, in my extensively-researched subtitles."
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Lyle Fitzgibbons, a Wuxi English teacher, readily admits he is a "little off."
Talking about his decision to marry the Wuxi Zoo, Fitzgibbons says he is not doing it because of the animals.
"I don't much care for animals!" says Fitzgibbons.
So why marry a Zoo?
Fitzgibbons says he loves Zoo infrastructure. "I love the cages, the metal bars, the double locked doors, the elaborate security, the barbed wire, the barriers between the cages and the public. I could kiss and hug them and I couldn't give a damn if there are animals in them or not."
Asked why he hasn't married a prison, Fitzgibbons said that these structures aren't available to the public. "I imagine that if my parents had taken me to the prison to see criminals, I would have fallen in love with cells and security systems, but alas, that didn't happen.
Fitzgibbons will marry the Wuxi Zoo on the 6th of June at the QuickieWedding Chapel of Gambay's Pub in the Nanchang Jie Bar Street. Archbishop Markoris will preside.
The couple plan to spend their honeymoon at the Shanghai Wildlife Park.
The Wuxi, China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to recognize marriages between Expats and inanimate objects.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Wuxi Expat Film Sets Box Office Receipt Record on Its Opening Weekend While Also Getting Rave Reviews
Friday, May 8, 2015
My dear friends of the Wuxi China Expatdom, I offer you all my greetings and blessings.
I am absolutely delighted to be here, at last, in the Expatdom: I have hoped and prayed for this honour all my life.
As Archbishop of the Greek Orthodoxy, I will be here for at least twelve months, for there are many tasks to fulfill. Firstly, I am to supervise the restoration of the church-buildings. As beautiful as they are, I must see that extra seating can be arranged, to cater for the millions of parishioners here. And new choir-boys must be trained.
My other purpose is to minister to my flock. And, I hasten to add, I will be delighted to welcome Expats of all faiths, into the ample warm bosoms of our cloisters.
Upon my arrival here at the train station only a few days ago, I received a warm welcome, plus a triple-kiss, from your well-known resident, Sir Leo Hondrokookis, president of the Jiangsu Guild of Greek Taverners.
Immediately after, I was besieged by members of the Greek and Cypriot Expat community. Naturally I was delirious to see so many Greeks bearing gifts for me.
I hope you will bear with me in my initial settling-in period here, so much is new to me. On my first night, for example, I made my way to your Mr Droop's wonderful establishment. Much of the language there was new to me, - many words and phrases that I am not familiar with.
Your culture is rich and splendid, every night so much to see and do! Last night, in your 1912 Bar District I attended a performance of Spandau Ballet - the ballerinas were world-class.
I fondly look-forward to meeting both the Archduke Moore, and Sir Andis Kaulins; they are household names back in my native country. I am aware however that those gentlemen are much-occupied at this time in their cinematic works, and so I will defer my audience with them for now.
Few people are aware that I, an Archbishop and Primate, am a keen devotee of movies. Some years ago I was directly involved in the production of that Greek war-movie epic, Acropolis Now.
My dear Wuxi Expat brothers and sisters, I bless you all.