Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus has finally won an Expat of the Year award. It is the one honor that has so far eluded him in a life which has seen him win Nobel Prizes, Hall of Fame inductions and championship rings from major athletic competitions in sports as diverse as Ice Hockey, Australian Rules Football and American Football.
The only problem is that he has won the award in a jurisdiction that he did not actually reside in or even visit for the entirety of 2015: The Suzhou China Colonial Expatdom. And so questions and even protest about the award have arisen from some quarters.
Double Saint Harry was given the 2015 Suzhou Expat of the Year by the Suzhou Expat of the Year Search Committee, an official organ of the Suzhou China Expatdom Colonial Government (SCECG).
Suzhou China Expatdom Colonial Governor Gilligan Biden said the following when making the award announcement: "In late 2014, agents of the SCECG were able to visit the Wuxi China Expatdom and obtain a lock of the Archduke fabulously tousled black hair. With appropriate pomp and ceremony, the lock of hair was placed at the center of a fabulous ten square kilometer sized shrine (encrusted with gold, diamonds and rare gems) where Suzhou Expats, by the millions, go to each day to worship and pray to the spirit of the Archduke. So busy are Suzhou Expats worshiping the Archduke that they don't have time to do things that may make them eligible to be Expats of the Year. So, you see, we had no choice! After no one could pass the local driving test -- our last desperate try at getting a local Expat of the Year -- we had to make that lock of hair our Expat of the Year."
Wuxi Expat Bar Patrons have been most vocal in their opposition to the Archduke being named the Suzhou Expat of the Year, and are forming the Wuxi Expat Bar Patrons Expeditionary Force (WEBPEF) to invade Suzhou in order to teach Suzhou Expats that, in the words of Pink Kitty Pub owner Wally Dangle, "Harry Moore is and will always be a Wuxi Expat, true and blue."
Wally Dangle, who has made himself the supreme commander of the WEBPEF, says that he has millions of volunteers as well as pledges, from his more wealthy patrons, of tanks, SAM missiles, self-propelled 155 mm caliber Howitzers, fighter planes, bombers, conventional and amphibious aircraft carriers, small arms, whoopee cushions, joy buzzers, and recordings of Obama speeches in order to terrorize Suzhou Expats.
For his part, Archduke Harry responded to news of the award with humility and genuine gratitude. "I want to express my heartfelt thanks to the fine colonials of the Suzhou Expatdom for the award. I do wonder, along with my fellow Wuxi Expats, if I am truly deserving of the award. Be that as it may, I am extremely honored. Suzhou Expats are among the most loyal colonial subjects that our great Wuxi Expat King, His Majesty Sir Alec Guinness, has in his realm. Though they are a simple, heathen people, accustomed to walking bare foot and living in simple shanty housing, Suzhou Expats are authentic because of their primitive relationship with the Earth and their amusing relationship with technology. I sometimes envy their low-tech unmaterialistic ways. I hope one day, if my film and charitable work allows it, to visit the Suzhou Expatdom and receive the award in person. As for the ten million dollars that comes with the award, I suggest that it be given to a worthy charity for poor Suzhou Expats or the presidential campaign of my good friend Ted Cruz!"
Asked by reporters when he thought of talk of the WEBPEF invading Suzhou, Archduke Harry acted sanely and talked derisively. "As I was saying, Suzhou Expats are the best colonial subjects the Wuxi China Expatdom have. They very much need and appreciate having Wuxi Expats, the superior Expat, governing their affairs for them. So why in God's name would we invade a loyal colony and then torture them with recordings of Barack Obama? I suggest to Wally Dangle and his bar patrons that they put their phony bravado back in the bottle from where they have drunk it!"
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