Duston Short, disgraced former Wuxi China Expatdom Sumo Midget Wrestling Champion and English teacher, is to sue himself for sexual harassment.
Short, from Ontario, Canada, alleges that he has been sexually harassing himself for years. "For the longest time I have been taunting myself about my man-breasts and talking about my breast size in front of myself and other people. In private, I used myself to satisfy my most craven and inappropriate desires by making myself do, to myself , the most unnatural and unspeakable things involving corkscrews, butt-plugs, my pet dog Clancy, the Webster's Dictionary third edition, bicycle seats, forced motor-boating, soap dispensers, hand-held shower heads with the perforated nozzles adjusted so as to give a strong spray of water up the high road that goes my kilt, Shetland ponies, DVD players, toy train track, barbed wire, a rolled-up piece of newspaper, and/or a beer bottle. Sometimes, I would lock myself in a bathroom or a dungeon if I didn't give into my sadistic whims! One time, I took a box of cigarettes and put it between my legs and told myself that here was some box that I desired! Another time, I made myself pay to have sex with a prostitute! It was so humiliating! Still another time, I got myself drunk and made myself cavort with Wally Droop! I kept taking advantage of the fact that I was lonely and had no one else to love!" said Short, who broke into sobs during his interview with the WCE Blog.
When he was able to continue, Short added, "The worst part is the fact that I have shown no remorse for the crimes I did to myself. I have deluded myself into thinking that I am to blame – blame the victim, you could say. That was why I couldn't report the harassment sooner."
Representing Short in the suit against himself, is attorney Friv E Louse of the firm Louse, Siren, Chaser, Slip, and Fall. "We will petition the WCE court to conduct the suit under Australian law. My client says he wants kangaroo court justice which his pub-owner and confessor Wally Droop tells him is the law which will give him the justice he deserves!" said Louse.
Star attorney Kun Williamster, of the firm Williamster, Johnrane, Perryson, Atch, Barbama, and Allanchersvitz will defend Short against himself. "So what if the glove fits. It could have shrunk! But be that as it may! I think the judge should throw the case out of court right away! I don't think my client will deny the things he has done! He will deny that he was a victim and that in fact he enjoyed and consented to every depraved moment he had with himself. In fact, he was asking for it! For as they say, justice without taxation might as well be the death of us who feel really strongly about it. It is an issue of human rights! We do have the right to be depraved as long as the depravity doesn't get out of hand and an eye gets gouged out, except if it is an accident like happened once to my client. And the fact is my client isn't black, so those of you who don't have a prejudice against him on account of this, don't think you have to make him guilty just so as to stop a riot! There won't be, because no one sheds tears for my client. In fact, he is a bit of joke to everyone in the Wuxi China Expatdom. And those of you who are prejudiced against black people, you should just stick to the law of the matter! Furthermore, what most of what my client did was immoral, it wasn't illegal! The state and the law has no right to control what goes on in my client's underpants, while he is wearing them. It also has no right to monitor what goes on in his secret dungeon – it is his property like his private parts. My client has the right to own corkscrews and handcuffs. He followed all licensing procedures when he owned the ponies, the dogs, and the monkey till it ran away! Of course, if you don't think these arguments are convincing! Think about this! Suing oneself for harassment is really silly! In a way, it is like kicking the can down the road or not having skin in the game. Of course, my client has a lot of flabby skin and it was his game and no one in the game wasn't there except because he wanted to be there. And so what if there were no shes there. In the WCE, you can marry a rolling pin if you want to!" said Williamster at a press conference held at the Marcia Statford Pavilion of Mahovlich's Bar & Grill in the Meicun District of Wuxi, China.
Opening arguments in the case, to be held at the #7 People's circuit court in Meicun, will be heard on Friday, January 10.
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