Wuxi Expats Staying Away from the Wuxi World Snooker Classic

Expatdomites who reside in the Wuxi China Expatdom are staying away in droves from the Wuxi World Snooker Crisis.  When asked why they weren't attending, Wuxi Expats offered a diversity of opinions.

Many Wuxi Expats told the WCE Blog that they preferred to spend their free time reading and browsing through the photos and text of their personal copies of The Poolside Harry Moore.

A few said they weren't going to watch the snooker for ideological reasons. Birch "Patriot" Barlow said he wasn't going to watch the Wuxi Snooker Classic because it was infested with Feminine European Continental Socialistic Polygamous Fascist Effeminate Porn-Consuming State-Subsidized Parasitic Gay Married Communists.

Wally Droop, owner of the Walnut and Chestnut Pubs, said he wasn't attending because it seemed like a British thing, this snooker, and so it was probably full of stuff that happens in the dormitories of English private schools that young boys attend.

Duston Short, English Teacher and Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion from Ontario, Canada, said he wasn't attending because he heard the snookerers didn't in fact shower together after matches but instead went back to their hotels.

Andis Kaulins, English Teacher, offered a plethora of reasons why he wasn't attending.  "For one thing, my wife wouldn't let me.  For another, I couldn't to attend even if it was free.  As well, Snooker is boring and could use body contact and fighting to get me interested.  And finally, I work three or four evenings a week and have a forty minute bus ride back home!"

Giscard "Napoleon Napsack" LaFarge, a Wuxi Expat from France, said he wasn't attending because he hated the English and that he was hanging out at the Wuxi China Expatdom Fire Hall waiting to catch a glimpse of  Wuxi China Expatdom Fire Brigade Commander Marcus Linius Crassus.  "He is the belle homme!  I hope he sprays me with his fire hose!  And he should because I have such an ardor thinking about him!"

Wuxi China Sexpat Tells the Media about His Girlfriend Virginia

John Hefner, co-leader of the Wuxi Sexpat-Feminist Alliance told a packed press conference about his girlfriend.

"Did I tell you about my girlfriend Virginia?" Hefner asked assembled members of the World Press including correspondents from the Wuxiist, The Economist, Time and the Asian Sun.

When they replied in the negative, Hefner said "I called her Virgin for short!"  He then chortled for two minutes after which he had to be treated by paramedics and finally by the fire hoses of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Fire Brigade, commanded by Marcus Linius Crassus.

Finally able to speak again, Herner exclaimed by "But not for long!" after which he chortled and slap his knees repeatedly.  The assembled members of the media stood silent and aghast for a few moments till the infectiousness of Hefner's chortling caused them to chortle and slap their knees as well.

Wuxi China Expatdom Historian Edward "Teddy" Gibbon, commenting on the press conference, called Hefner's display of chortling perhaps the finest display of chortling in human history.  "I bet  the normally stern Harry Callahan, the Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad, would have joined in the chortling.  It was that infectious!"

WCEFAS President Harry Moore Makes His Directorial Debut

Wuxi Expat Proud of the Number of Toilets He Has in His Restaurant

Duston Short, a Wuxi Expat from  Etobicoke, Ontario, Canada, tells the Wuxiist Blog that he is proud of the number of toilets in Rae's, an Expat restaurant that he and his brothers own in Wuxi's Meicun District.

"We have forty toilets in our restaurant!" boasted Short who is the Wuxi China Expatdom's reigning Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion.  "My Accountant, who I pay to do all my accounts and my arithmetic, tells me that that is a ratio of four toilets or w.c.'s per patron because we have only ten seats.  Of course, my accountant told me to tell you, that really that is two per patron because half of the toilets are meant for girls!"

Asked why the number of toilets divided by the number of possible patrons was so high, Short looked confused until the question was rephrased.  Then asked why there were so so so many many toilets for so so so so few patrons, Short said that he put himself in the place of his patrons and imagined that if everybody had to use the bathroom at the same time, they would maybe not have a choice of toilets.  "Just think if ten people need to use the toilet at the same time, and each of them went into a stall and saw there was no t.p., they would normally have no place else to go!  But in Rae's, they would have another toilet or more to go to!  And boy what a relief that would be if it ever happened to you like it has happened to me where one time I had to run out of the restaurant and do my business on a busy street at rush hour with everyone looking at me!" proclaimed Short.

Asked if the toilets were western or eastern squat, Short told the Wuxiist that patrons presenting their certificate of Squat-toilet training would get a discount on meals.

Asked if Rae's had a menu, Short said he was working on it best he could now that he had solved his toilet problem once and for all.  "I am waiting for my shipment of Kraft Macaroni Dinner that my Mom told me she sent me!" said Short.

Wuxi China Expat from Denmark admits Hans Island belongs to Canada

Lars Von Mikkelson, a Dane living in the Wuxi China Expatdom, told the WCE Blog that he had come to the realization that Hans Island had always belonged to Canada and that any attempts by his country to insist otherwise were immoral and plain dumb.

Said Mikkelson:  "Hans Island belongs to Canada simply by virtue of the fact that Canadians are better than Danes in every way.  Canadians are more  intelligent, virtuous, witty, humorous, imaginative, virile, efficient, strong, sensible, creative, moral, flamboyant, charismatic, honest, freedom-loving, god-fearing, innovative, better-looking and considerate than us Danes.  As well, Canadians are better hockey players and are, I have been told by women the world over, much better in the sack than us Danes.  The sheer quality of a Canadians as individuals compared to us Danes makes the case for Canadian sovereignty over Hans Island a slam dunk!  And then there is also the moral, philosophical, historical, legal and aesthetic reasons for Canada's claim of sovereignty over Hans Island --  five more slam dunk reasons why Hans Islands belong to Canada and why my fellow Danish countrymen are so utterly wrong on this issue!" 

Mikkelson told the WCE Blog that he saw the light and came to realization that Hans Island belonged to Canada while he was riding a camel at Wuxi's TE Lawrence Memorial Camel Riding Park.  "I fell off my camel and was forced to wander in the desert of Dong Ting.  I came upon a burning bush from which I heard a voice.  It said: "Lars!  Lars!  Lars!  This is God speaking!  Hans Island belongs to Canada!  Canadians are the chosen people and if you look at them, you will see that they are of much better quality that Danes!  Give them what is rightfully theirs!"   I was flabbergasted that God would talk to little old Lars!  Of course, I did what God told me to do, and I saw immediately how much more magnificent were Canadians and that Danes shouldn't have conflict with them about Hans Island which is, of course, by every right and by the rules of common human decency, theirs!"

Mikkelson tells the WCE Blog that he has resigned his job as a Manufacturing Plant Manager to concentrate full-time on advocacy for Canadian sovereignty over Hans Island; and that he even believes that his country should pay reparations to Canada on top of relinquishing claims of sovereignty over Hans Island.  "I think we should pay fifty percent of our annual GDP to Canada for the next  thousand years!  We should also offer them, as an annual tribute, for the next ten thousand years, one thousand of our finest and most nubile 18 to 21 year women!  And for the next one hundred thousand years, we should annually give them one million tonnes of Danish Cheese free!  And yet,  it would still not be enough to compensate for the affront given by our gross insult, not only to the fine and superior people of Canada, but to basic human decency!  So, Danish men should also be made to wear dunce caps and pink clown suits for as long as there is a Denmark!" said a solemn Mikkelson.

Being told that many of his fellow countrymen were calling him a turncoat and were also asking why he didn't renounce his Danish Citizenship and become a Canadian citizen, Mikkelson said that only people made of much finer stuff, than he and his fellow Danes, could become Canadian citizens, and that he as the true Danish patriot loved Denmark so much that he wanted her to do what was right.  His crusade for a Canadian Hans Island, added Mikkelson, was a far, far better thing that he did, than he had ever done; it was a far, far better sleep that he went to than he had ever known now that he was doing the right thing and making sure Hans Island was and would always be Canadian.

Evidence is mounting that Mikkelson's advocacy campaign is changing the minds of Danes.  A recent Galloping Poll of Danes found that now over sixty percent of them recognize Canada's sovereignty over Hans Island.  "Those Danes who don't," said Mikkelson, "are like those Japanese soldiers who stayed hidden in the jungle all those years unaware that the war had ended!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Men Want Arm-in-Arm Walking Approved

At Gambays last night, a special Steering Committee was formed to hear submissions for
allowing male Expats to walk arm-in-arm.   Millions of new WCE immigrants have sought
clarification of what public behaviours are acceptable.

The Committee comprises every WCE functionary, and is headed by Andis Kaulins, President of The Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association (WCEEEA).

Andis Kaulins said that he had combed through the WCE Government's statutes, however had found no defined legislation on the matter.  "This is a vexing question", he said. "We want to know if we are able to give a rubber-stamping on this, but we must be cautious here. Will Expat Men Arm-in-Arm Walking In Public embrace all persuasions?  "Rampant heteros, metros, retros, and countless other 'tros' - I'm just not sure how we might proceed with this, I'm sorry," said Andis Kaulins.

General Colonel Harlan B. Sanders said that he and Admiral Lloyd Bridges often walked down the Jiefang bike-lane arm-in-arm. The General proposed that applicants should be brought before the Committee prior to granting them licenced-approval. Air Marshal Lord Gregory Peck concurred, but said that "applicants must be questioned if they are, or have ever been, adherents of the Barry Obama Doctrine. And I'll be more than happy to ask those questions!", he added.

Harry Moore, President of The Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society (WCEFAS) was called to provide any precedents from Great Movies. "I've combed through my voluminous brain-database of cinema looking for this", he said. "The only example I found was in "The Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance". "In frames 635 and 636, John Wayne takes hold of Lee Marvin's arm, and then they slugged-it out".  "Mano-o-mano", he added in orthodox pretentious-cinema-expert-speak.

Chairman Andis Kaulins said that he had no option but to adjourn last night's meeting and re-convene next week. Andis Kaulins said that will invite Andis Kaulins and Andis Kaulins, President of The Wuxi Expat Rifle Association (WERA), and the English Teacher to the next meeting to make their submissions on the matter.

Soon-to-be-New-Comer Thinks Wuxi, China will be the Right Fit for Him

On a local Wuxi China Expatdom BBS, the Wuxiist, American Garnet Spence announced that he was coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom in August 2012 to teach English and Bartending at the Gorzo the Mighty University of Super Advanced Bio-Atomic-Nano Chemical Technology and Philosophy (GMUSADBANCTP))

In his first posting, Spence also said that he was a life-long advocate of gun rights, had a passion for drinking beer and that he hoped to mingle with Wuxi Expats "of a similar persuasion."

His posting was greeted with much enthusiasm from other members of the Wuxiist Site.  One member hoped that Spence was into weightlifting because he wanted so much to show Spence the expanded Shower facilities at the Horizon Gym on Xueqian Street.  "You have a choice of group or private stalls now at the Horizon!" boasted the Expat whose nickname was Mister Z.  Another Expat, nicknamed The Flying Scotchman, told Spence he was sleeping with girls half his age, and he would love to show Spence a book filled with photos of his conquests.  Wuxi Dyeman told Spence that he was the most handsome guy in the bar and he was welcome to come up to him and say hi.  Wuxi Redknocker warned Spence that Wuxi China Expats weren't socialists and that if he ever had  a left-wing thought, he was going to be arrested.  OffMcNult told Spence to mind his grammar or else.  WTU told Spence that his order of Chinese Watches would be ready by the time of his arrival.

Spence in his second posting to Wuxiist Site expressed gratitude for the invitations and advice from the community, and said he was now sure that the Wuxi China Expatdom would be "a great fit" for him.

Census shows Fifty Million Expats living in Wuxi, China

There are  50,226,766.683 Expats, not including colonials, living in the Wuxi China Expatdom according to its latest census.  

The census broke down the population by home country revealing the following numbers:

Canadians 35,001,867 Americans 11,001,776 English 1,401,066 Germans 1,301,945.683 French 1,281,968.6 Mexicans 115,115 Italians 111,929 Ozzies 4,445 Kiwis 3,002 Scots 3,000 Irish 435 Poles 125.9 Russians 78 Swedes 9 Danes 4.5 Total 50,226,766.683

Andis Kaulins, a Canadian teaching English in Wuxi, reacting to the census, expressed surprise that there were so many people.  "I can go days without seeing a Laowei in Wuxi.   Where the heck do they congregate?" asked Kaulins, who is not to be confused with two other persons named Andis Kaulins also living in the WCE.

Kaulins also expressed surprise that there were so many Canadians living in Wuxi.  "I also find it hard to believe that there are more Canadians living in the Wuxi China Expatdom that in Canada itself!  I suppose they want liberty!  A thing you can't get in Canada anymore!"

Others couldn't understand why there weren't so many Australians.  "They seem to own all the Expat pubs!  They seem to do most of the drinking in the Expat pubs!  And the personality of Archduke Harry Moore so stands out that you would think there were 100 million Australians living in the WCE!  Such is the force of the Archduke's personality!" said Prime Minister Mango.

Many Wuxi also Expats expressed anger that there were so many Swedes and Danes living in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "One of those bastards is too much and we got thirteen and a half of them!  Phew!" said Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pubs.

The census also recorded the religious affiliations of Wuxi China Expats.  Seventy Five percent told the census they were Roman Catholics.  Sixty Seven percent said they were protestants.  Eighty Nine percent told the census they were Jewish.  Five percent said they were Buddhists.  Five Wuxi Expats admitted to being atheists.  

"The census done by the WCE government was for curiosity's sake only and wasn't going to be used by WCE bureaucrats!" insisted Prime Minister Mango.

Are Wuxi China Expats Heartless?

Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion and an English Teacher with a high rate of absenteeism,  claims that Wuxi Expats are heartless.

In an exclusive interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Enquirer, Short said that not once had any Wuxi Expat offered their condolences to him when any of his great-grandparents, his five grandparents, parents, step-parents, thirty uncles and aunts had died.

Short also said that his managers had never once shown any concern when he called in sick to work.  "A simple "hope you get better!" would be a lot better than this weird surly silence I usually detect when I have to call in sick to work!" complained Short, who added that it would be nice too if people didn't yell at him at him all the time and say he was lazy.

Ikea Opening leads to Anti-Swedish Backlash among Wuxi Expats

The opening of the Wuxi Ikea has resulted in a violent backlash among Wuxi Expats against all things Swedish.  Wuxi Expats suspected of being Swedish, having blonde hair, speaking with a pitched accent, associating with Swedish Wuxi Expats or liking Swedish things have gone into hiding.  Things, in the Wuxi China Expatdom, suspected of having a connection with Sweden have been either smashed or burnt by mobs of Expats angry that Ikea has come to Wuxi.

This is not the first time, Wuxi Expats have expressed anti-Swedish sentiments.  When the Swedish Bikini Team was lost in the tunnels under the new Wuxi Train Station in 2011, a group of Wuxi Expats protested the search efforts citing a hatred for Ikea as a reason for their opposition.

The current anti-Swedish backlash began when a mob of three million Wuxi Expats held an illegal ABBA MP3 and CD Demolition Rally at Harry Memorial Square Gold on the eve of the Wuxi Ikea opening.

Since the rally, there have been numerous incidents where Expats, suspected of having sympathies with Swedes, have been paraded in front of angry mobs of Young Wuxi Expat Guards and forced to wear dunce caps, have their blonde hair dyed black or brown, and carry  posters denouncing themselves as Swede loving polygamous ne'er-do-wells chicken hockey playing welfare bums.

Numerous prominent Expats, including Archduke Harry Moore, have gone into hiding.  Moore has been become the focus of the Anti-Swedish ire for having been the stunt man in love scenes featuring Britt Eklund in the Jame Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun and, as well, for having done an adult instructional video with Anita Ekburg:  How to Achieve Sublimity of Passion.  Wuxi Expat Socialite Larry Drysdale was attacked at the Wuxi China Expatdom Tennis Club by Expats objecting to his headband which reminded them of Bjorn Borg.

A few Expats have stood their ground against the Anti-Swedish Expats.  Officer McNulty, of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police, single-handedly beat down a mob of one hundred thousand for having a poster of Britt Eklund in his bedroom.  His superior, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, is said to be tired after staring down a mob of a million Wuxi Expats, angry that Callahan and his band, the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio, recorded funk-country fusion versions of Waterloo and Take a Chance on Me.  

The biggest organization in the Expatdom, The Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, has broken into two factions for and against the films of Ingmar Bergman.  The two factions fought a major armor battle involving 10,000 Tanks and an estimated million troops at the Nanchang Jie Bar Street on Thursday evening.   

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, issued a warning to Wuxi Expats telling them to calm the ardor of their Anti-Swedish sentiments.  "I am no fan of the Swedish Economic Model like all decent freedom-loving Expats and I have to admit that I have had trouble assembling the furniture I have bought at Ikea." said his Majesty in an interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Sun.  "So I can understand why some of you might have it in for Swedish things and Swedes.  But Swedes aren't like Nazis.  They aren't as stupid as people from Ontario, Canada.  And think of the Swedish cook from the Muppets.  He is cute and hilarious with that pitched accent!  And Swedish Blondes!  Yozza!  Yozza!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  And they have in fact moved away from their Swedish Economic Model!  So let's just be cool!"

Suzhou China Expats Experience Regularity for the First Time

One of the unforeseen benefits, for the Suzhou China Expatdom, of becoming a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has been regularity in their bowel movements -- something a Suzhou Expat had become resigned to never having again by choosing to be a Suzhou Expat, instead of a Wuxi Expat.

Thanks to receiving Wuxi China Expatdom Colonial Status which means have Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore is their chief administrator, doing business has become enjoyable.  "I don't know what is it about Harry Moore that makes me feel so pleasantly regular!" said Suzhou Expat Colonial William Shatner.  "No doubt his Metamucil initiative played a great part in promoting regularity among Suzhou China Expat Colonials, but that doesn't explain the fact that absolutely no Suzhou Expat complains of irregularity anymore!  Metamucil doesn't work in all cases!"

Another Suzhou Expat "Doc" McCoy thinks he knows that the cause.  "I believe that the Metamucil initiative combined with our five daily readings of the Poolside Harry Moore promotes 100 percent pure regularity!"  Suzhou Expats have started a Harry Moore cult which includes five daily readings of his book the Poolside Harry Moore and carrying icons bearing the image of Harry Moore in Speedos on their foreheads.

Whatever the cause of his newly-acquired regularity, yet another Suzhou Expat, Leonard Spock says that he can't help but praise Harry Moore after eating a good meal and not having to go to the bathroom frequently during the night.  "Things come out smooth and true thanks to the Archduke!" exclaimed Spock.