Wuxi Expat Harry Moore Named 2015 Suzhou Expat of the Year

Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus has finally won an Expat of the Year award.  It is the one honor that has so far eluded him in a life which has seen him win Nobel Prizes, Hall of Fame inductions and championship rings from major athletic competitions in sports as diverse as Ice Hockey, Australian Rules Football and American Football.

The only problem is that he has won the award in a jurisdiction that he did not actually reside in or even visit for the entirety of 2015:  The Suzhou China Colonial Expatdom.  And so questions and even protest about the award have arisen from some quarters.

Double Saint Harry was given the 2015 Suzhou Expat of the Year by the Suzhou Expat of the Year Search Committee, an official organ of the Suzhou China Expatdom Colonial Government (SCECG).  

Suzhou China Expatdom Colonial Governor Gilligan Biden said the following when making the award announcement:  "In late 2014, agents of the SCECG were able to visit the Wuxi China Expatdom and obtain a lock of the Archduke fabulously tousled black hair.  With appropriate pomp and ceremony, the lock of hair was placed at the center of a fabulous ten square kilometer sized shrine (encrusted with gold, diamonds and rare gems)  where Suzhou Expats, by the millions, go to each day to worship and pray to the spirit of the Archduke.  So busy are Suzhou Expats worshiping the Archduke that they don't have time to do things that may make them eligible to be Expats of the Year.  So, you see, we had no choice!  After no one could pass the local driving test -- our last desperate try at getting a local Expat of the Year -- we had to make that lock of hair our Expat of the Year."

Wuxi Expat Bar Patrons have been most vocal in their opposition to the Archduke being named the Suzhou Expat of the Year, and are forming the Wuxi Expat Bar Patrons Expeditionary Force (WEBPEF) to invade Suzhou in order to teach Suzhou Expats that, in the words of Pink Kitty Pub owner Wally Dangle, "Harry Moore is and will always be a Wuxi Expat, true and blue."

Wally Dangle, who has made himself the supreme commander of the WEBPEF, says that he has millions of volunteers as well as pledges, from his more wealthy patrons, of tanks, SAM missiles, self-propelled 155 mm caliber Howitzers, fighter planes, bombers, conventional and amphibious aircraft carriers, small arms, whoopee cushions, joy buzzers, and recordings of Obama speeches in order to terrorize Suzhou Expats.

For his part, Archduke Harry responded to news of the award with humility and genuine gratitude.  "I want to express my heartfelt thanks to the fine colonials of the Suzhou Expatdom for the award.  I do wonder, along with my fellow Wuxi Expats, if I am truly deserving of the award.  Be that as it may, I am extremely honored.  Suzhou Expats are among the most loyal colonial subjects that our great Wuxi Expat King, His Majesty Sir Alec Guinness, has in his realm.  Though they are a simple, heathen people, accustomed to walking bare foot and living in simple shanty housing, Suzhou Expats are authentic because of their primitive relationship with the Earth and their amusing relationship with technology.  I sometimes envy their low-tech unmaterialistic ways.  I hope one day, if my film and charitable work allows it, to visit the Suzhou Expatdom and receive the award in person.  As for the ten million dollars that comes with the award, I suggest that it be given to a worthy charity for poor Suzhou Expats or the presidential campaign of my good friend Ted Cruz!"

Asked by reporters when he thought of talk of the WEBPEF invading Suzhou, Archduke Harry acted sanely and talked derisively.  "As I was saying, Suzhou Expats are the best colonial subjects the Wuxi China Expatdom have.  They very much need and appreciate having Wuxi Expats, the superior Expat, governing their affairs for them.  So why in God's name would we invade a loyal colony and then torture them with recordings of Barack Obama?  I suggest to Wally Dangle and his bar patrons that they put their phony bravado back in the bottle from where they have drunk it!"

Pope Benedict XVI Emeritus is the 2015 Wuxi Expat of the Year

Long time Friend of Wuxi Expat Archduke Harry Moore, New Resident of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Pope Benedict XVI Emeritus has been named the 2015 Wuxi Expat of the Year by the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog and the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame.

Judge Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, commissioner of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame had the following to say about Pope Benedict XVI, aka Joseph Ratzzinger, when he made the 2015 Wuxi Expat of the Year Award winner announcement:  "Anybody who is a man of faith, is a friend of Archduke Harry Moore, and has resided in the Wuxi China Expatdom is certainly a great man worthy of an award.  And to be a Pope as well and thus so full of sanctity, Joseph, as I call him, rises to the even higher level of Wuxi Expat of the Year material.  To meet a man who has as much sanctity, virility, humility, and intellectual breadth and depth as our Archduke Harry is truly amazing!  We all thought Joseph was Harry's older brother the first time he walked into Gambays!  We even began to call Harry and Joseph, the Emeritus brothers until we realized that Emeritus wasn't a family name but a title.  And to continue on with  the Harry-Joseph friendship, I have to say that what Archduke Harry has done for Wuxi Expat discussions about cinema and manhood, Pope Benedict XVI has done for Wuxi Expats discussions of Theology and Moral Philosophy.  These dialogues have risen to the level of the sublime.  We can only hope that there is a Wuxi Expat Plato type around to record them for further generations of Wuxi  Expats to read and to be educated by."

News of Pope Benedict's award was greeted with unanimous approval by patrons of all Wuxi Expat Pubs as well as shut-in Wuxi Expats who didn't get out much.  Wally Dangle, owner of the Pink Kitty, said that the 2015 award went a great way to regaining the trust the award committee had lost when it had awarded the 2014 Wuxi Expat of the Year award to the repulsive Andis Kaulins: the Andis Kaulins who was an English teacher and not the Andis Kaulins who was an elite Wuxi Expat or the Andis Kaulins who was a blogger for the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog.

Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus greeted the news of the honour bestowed on his friend with tears of joys.  In a rare moment of emotion, the always calm and serene Archduke Harry choked up for a half second before waxing poetically about his Vatican friend.  "Joseph, as I call him, is an inspiring man of faith.   He and I go way back.  I couldn't count the hours that we stood side-by-side in many seminary classes, and the many rounds of golf we played together.  Joe was a scratch golfer.  One time I was actually able to beat him Ten hole-in-ones to Nine at the Augusta Country Club.  It was the greatest moment of my golfing career.  He was very supportive of my decision to give NFL football a try; and I gave him my Super Bowl ring to show my appreciation.  And then there was his dancing.  He and Fred Astaire taught me all tricks of the dancing trade.  They showed me how to attract millions of my film lectures by just doing a little cha-cha-cha in top hat and tails.  I also can't tell you how much behind the scenes work he did in the two projects I am most proud of:  The Poolside Harry Moore and my little film Machismo Unleashed.  When questions of philosophy, metaphysics, poetics, aesthetics came up during those projects, Joseph was always able to give us the wisdom we needed to hone the projects to perfection."

Pope Benedict XVI, when informed of having won the award, said he was blessed and expressed gratitude to Archduke Harry.  "I was without a gig after retiring as Pope, when Harry and his wife the blessed Mrs. Miss Moneypenny took me under their arms and had me move out to the Wuxi Expatdom.  I very much appreciated their helping me settle in the Wuxi China Expatdom and getting me a nice apartment.  I was further blessed to have Harry make me the Spiritual and Metaphysical consultant for his film Machismo Unleashed.  The position was as challenging as being Pope but with the shorter hours I needed at my advanced age!"

The Wuxi Expat of the Year Award is considered the second most prestigious annual award that can be bestowed on an Wuxi Expat.  Previous winners have been Barack Obama, the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, the English teacher Andis Kaulins, Wuxi Expat King Gorzo the Mighty, Sarah Palin, and Junior Wuxi Expat Tony Kaulins.  

Tech Genius, Male Model, Philanthropist and Former Wuxi Expat Paul Rudkin Is the 2015 Shanghai Expat of the Year

Paul Rudkin has been named the Shanghai Expat of the Year for an unprecedented third year in a row and thus has been granted all the privileges normally bestowed on humans who have achieved divine god like status on Earth.

By winning his third award Expat of the Year, Sir Rudkin the Mighty, entered a class of his own among all the great Shanghai Expats.  Other great Shanghai Expats like George Best, Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, Donnie Osmond, John Wayne, Fred Astaire, Hank Williams, and Oprah Winfrey had only managed to win two Shanghai Expat of the year awards.

Rudkin won his third consecutive Expat of the Year award, according to the awards committee, by being a hundred times more tech savvy, sexy and generous than he was in 2014 and a thousand times more tech smart, more virile and giving than he was in 2013.

With his third consecutive award, Rudkin was declared a Divine God by the Shanghai China Expatdom Colonial Administration.  (The Shanghai Expatdom is a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom.)

The declaration of his divinity said the following: "We who are not worthy, which is every Shanghai Expat, must bow to our knees and plant our faces on the ground for two minutes if we see an image of Rudkin the Mighty.  If we are blessed by his divine, magnificent presence, we must stay on the ground for a further ten minutes and ask for permission to kiss his feet.  And if we have the monumental privilege of  being able to exchange words with him, we must constantly declare our gratitude and unworthiness to be in his presence."

The declaration also announced plans to honor Sir Paul "for eternity with a great burial chamber and monument for which all Shanghai Expats, whether slaves or freemen, will take part in its construction."

Details about the plan for the construction of the tomb, which will take 75 years to build, are still not completed.  What is known is that the tomb will take up 100 times the land area of the Shanghai Disneyland.  On the tomb's surface with be a great pyramid that will be ten times the size of the Pyramids of Cheops and be made of blocks of gold or titanium that, as well, will be ten times the size of those used to construct the monument to the Pharaohs.  In the the enormous chamber beneath the Pyramid, Rudkin the Mighty will be be buried with an army of ten million terracotta Swedish bikini models and Korean girl band members.

To honour Rudkin the Mighty in his life time, hundred meter tall solid gold statues of him will erected on every block in the Shanghai metropolitan area.

Rudkin, with great humility, thanked the Shanghai Expatdom government for the award and the divine status declaration, and then dedicated the award to the great Wuxi Expats.  "I really got my awarding winning Expatriate chops by spending my formative years in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  When you rub elbows with King Gorzo the Mighty, Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, Rabbi Aaron Goldberg, Prime Minister Mango, PM Mango's wife Wonder Woman, the elite Expat Andis Kaulins, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Junior, the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, pub owner Wally Dangle, pub owner Fred Minkleman, Wuxi Expatdom Armed Forces Commander Clarence Chugwater, Wuxi Expatdom Royal Air Force Marshall Gregory Peck, Sir Lawrence of Wuxi, Wuxi Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Royal Wuxi Mounted Police Commissioner Harry Callahan, Royal Wuxi Mounted Police officer McNulty, Bruce Lee, and of course the redoubtable Archduke Harry Moore, you can't help but appear divine and god-like to Shanghai Expats.

Wuxi Expats Building Wall to Keep Suzhou Expats out of Wuxi

Wuxi China Expatdom King Alec Guiness has given royal assent to a bill passed unanimously by the WCE Parliament authorizing the construction of a wall between the Wuxi and Suzhou Expatdoms.

At a ceremony officially proclaiming the bill's passage, His Majesty was joined by His Prime Minister the Naturist Herbert Demarcuse, His Leader of the Loyal Opposition the Nudist Handy Dandy Mahovolich, and the Leader of the Christian English Teaching Democrats, Dang Ling Modifier.  The three leaders, who have come previously come to blows on the floor of parliament and in the parliamentary lockers and at Just-A-So-So's Pub, locked arms in an unprecedented show of tri-partisan agreement to build the wall and stem the tide of Suzhou Expats seeking to cure boredom by visiting the Wuxi Expatdom.

Not one peep of disapproval of the pending construction of the Wall could be heard among Wuxi Expats.  Andis Kaulins, the elite Wuxi Expat who doesn't want anyone to mix him up with the Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher, said the passage of the bill approving construction of a Great Wall was "the best Christmas present that citizens of any sovereign area anywhere and at anytime in human history have received from their government!"

Wally Dangle, owner of the Pink Kitty Pub, celebrated news of the Wall's construction by having a week of free drinks for all who would come to his pub.  He told WCE Blogspot of the many complaints that he and other Wuxi Expats had about visiting Suzhou Expats:  "They don't wear shoes: they wear dirty underwear on their heads; they steal our e-bikes; they want to marry out cattle; they speak barbarous dialects of the universal Expat language like French, Ontario Canada English, and Mexican; none of them know classical Latin or Greek; they are fans of the films of Quentin Tarrantino; they wear beards and tattoos;  they don't like country music; they think like Democrats; they think Jack Kerouac is literature; they complain about being victims; and they are pagans!"

Construction of the 10,000 mile long, 100 meter tall, Great  Suzhou-Wuxi Wall which will coil around the Wuxi Expatdom 15 times, and which will have 50 caliber machine guns placed every 10 meters will begin on January 1, 2016 and be completed by March 15, 2016.

Harry Rifles Are The Top Wuxi Expat 2015 Christmas Purchase

Harry Rifles, designed by the world's greatest firearm manufacturers in honor of Wuxi Expat Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus, are the top purchase of the 2015 Wuxi Expat Christmas shopping season.

Shane Shannon, owner of Wuxi Firearms, a leading Wuxi Expat gun dealer, tells the WCE Blog that he has sold all of the fifty million Harry Originals that he had in stock.

"I could sell a billion Harry Rifles if I had them in stock!" said Shannon, whose other gig is teaching English to local kindergarten students.