New Family-Of-Four Profile #6: The Drench Sisters from Winnipeg; "Looking For Love"

        
             Joining the ever-growing influx of new familes in the Wuxi China Expatdom are the
beautiful Drench sisters, formerly of Winnipeg.

Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, WCEHOF Curator, and well-known local Expat identity, met with the Drench girls at Starbucks, and over cups of coffee and muffins, sought their impressions of their new lives in the Expatdom.

            Eldest sister, Dame Judee, told "Hui Shan" that she and her sisters are enjoying every second of being in the Expatdom. "The WCE", enthused Dame Judee, "has so much to offer new arrivals like us. Mere words cannot describe how wonderful everything is here!".

            The Drench sisters freely-acknowledge that it wasn't only the WCE's world's-greatest-lifestyle atmosphere that attracted them here. "We're all single and we're looking for four
Mr Rights!", said second-eldest, Layla. "But", she went on, "we are respectable ladies, of course. We
aren't interested in Sexpat-types, or gold-diggers".

             Doreen Drench explained: "although we were happy back in the 'Peg, well, for various reasons, we couldn't find the sort of life-partners we yearned for. But then, three month's ago, fate took a hand."

             "That's correct", said Layla. "I worked in the Winnipeg City Hall as an administrative supervisor. One day I was in Mayor Sam Katz's office, tidying-up his paperwork. Mayor Katz showed me a photo album, hundreds of pictures taken about a year ago. Mayor Katz told me that these were of the WCE Trio's triumph in the Brandon Musicfest, and also of the pursuit of that
horrible Ayatollah of Mordor.  Wow-weee!  Pictures of big Harry Callahan, suave Admiral Bridges, and so many other yummee-yummee men!".  "I showed the photo albums to my sisters, and that did it - the WCE here-we-come!!".

            Dame Judee Drench told Hui Shan that so far they'd each met lots of handsome men in the
Expatdom. "But no-clicks, just yet", she said, "except Doreen here - seems she has found her
dreamboat!".

            Doreen blushed deeply. "Oh, tee-hee-hee, I'm much too shy to talk about that!.
But I will", she said coyly.
"Three day's ago I was in the Carrefour Hardware Emporium, browsing over designer-screwdrivers and nails. And then I saw him. The minute he walked in the joint, I could see he was a man of distinction, a real big spender".

            "Good lookin', so refined". So I threw caution to the wind, and said to that man "Say, wouldn't you like to know what's goin' on in my mind? So let me get right to the point! I don't pop my cork for every man I see - hey big spender, spend a little time with me?".

             Doreen said that the mystery-hunk-spunk didn't respond. "But he did glance at me briefly",
she said. "I followed him to the checkout counter. He was buying a couple of 2-litre bottles of Super Glue. I stood right behind him, and said quietly: "Wouldn't you like to have fun?  Fun?  Fun?
How's about a few laughs?  Laughs?        Laughs?".   "And I heard his voice when he spoke to the
checkout-man. "Mr Right's voice was elegant - a combination of Sir John Gielgud, and Morgan Freeman's rich-timbred voice".


            "I didn't have the nerve to actually speak to that beautiful guy - so he left".
Doreen asked Hui Shan if he might know the identity of her intended heart-throb?

             "Not sure I do", replied Kennesaw, scratching his head. "Ahhh, let's see....  well, he could have been any one of thousands of suave Expat men here. I know he couldn't have been Harry Moore. No, no, Harry Moore's voice is nothing like the one you've described, Doreen.
Harry Moore sounds like a squawking chicken - rules him out."

             

            

Wuxi Expats Say It Must Be Hard for The Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President To Be Humble

With his birthday coming on May 22, Wuxi Expats, from the King to the lowliest and most modest of English Teachers, when asked, all seemed to agree that it must be hard for Archduke Harry Moore, the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Society, to be humble.

In interviews, conducted with the WCE Blog, about Moore's birthday, it seemed as if all Wuxi Expats were thinking of a song made famous by Mac Davis, when asked to comment on the Archduke who is the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, a best-selling author, a survivor of numerous assassination attempts, a graceful dancer in the manner of Fred Astaire, and two-time inductee into the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame:

Gorzo the Mighty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, said, "Lord it must be hard for Harry Moore to be humble because he is perfect in every way!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, said, "Harry Moore can't wait to look in the mirror because he gets better looking each day!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force Chief Inspector Harry Callahan said, "To know Harry Moore is to love him.  He happens to be a hell of a man!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges said, "Harry Moore is doing the best that he can to be humble!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion said, "I can't compete for all of those love-starved woman who keep clamoring at Harry Moore's feet.  They are so in awe of him!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander General Colonel Harlan Sanders said "Being Harry Moore, he must never get lonesome.  I betcha he treasures his own company!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force Officer McNulty said, "Harry is a loner type.  He is cowboy tough and proud!"

Wuxi China Expatdom English Teacher Andis Kaulins said "Harry could have all the friends in the world but he would stand out so much that the poor souls would become invisible!"

The Archduke's Wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny  said, "Darling Harry doesn't know what the word egotistical means.  He could be though because there is something about how he fills his blue jeans!"

Together all Wuxi Expats agreed.  "Lord!  It is hard for Harry Moore to be humble!  He is perfect in every way!  But he is humble nonetheless!"

Wuxi Expat Says that McDonald's Makes The Best Burger in Wuxi

Sam Zell, a long-time Wuxi Expat, says that McDonald's still makes the best burger in all of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"I have tried all the burgers in all the foreign restaurants in Wuxi!  I have had the Gigantic Gambay's Burger, authentically charbroiled on fragrant coals exported direct from Italy, and topped with four types of cheese, including Cheddar， Monterrey Jack，Swiss and Mongolian Mozzarella.  I have eaten the Black Shark's Hawaiin Oahu Burger made with bacon and succulent pieces of steak and caviar.  I have tasted the Walnut's Australian Burger and the Chestnut's quadruple cheese quadruple paddy burger that Duston Short can't swallow whole.  I have come to like the Modified Dangling Preposition Burger at Dangle's Participle.   I have chuckled as I enjoyed the Walrus Steak and Polish Taco Chip Burger at  Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club and Deli.  And you can't say you have been to Wuxi till you have tried the General Pinochet Tyrannosaurus and the Ernest "Che" Gueverra Burgers at the Santiago Cafe!  I also have had the privilege of being able to eat the Caviar and Truffle burger at the Tai Hu Extraordinary Hotel!  But for my money, the McDonald's Double Cheeseburger is the best burger in this town of Wuxi at any price.  Portioned properly and always consistent, there ain't a burger that is finer!"

Asked what the second best burger in town was, Zell said he could cook a pretty mean burger when he felt like it.  "Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pubs, has tasted it and has begged me, while on his knees, for the recipe but I have told him to take a long walk on a short pier!"

Wuxi Expat Marries Her Diamond Ring

Lieutenant Shirley Bassey,  traffic officer and the lead singer of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force, is going to marry her diamond ring named "PC."  Thursday Afternoon, she visited the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding License to submit her application, before she was to work her evening shift, singing and monitoring pedestrian traffic on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street.

Bassey first meet PC, the .15 carat Petite Cathedral Diamond Ring in 18k White Gold with Average color of I, Average clarity S12,  and16 rounds in a Pave Setting, when proposed to by her former husband.  "My former husband, Thor Lyndon, was a bit of dud, but I never fell out of love with my darling Petite Cathedral, more affectionately known to me as "PC!"" said Bassey.

Asked why she was going to marry a diamond ring Bassey said ""Diamonds are forever.  They are all I need to please me.  They can stimulate and please me!  I like to Hold one up and then caress it.  I like touch it, stroke it and undress it.  I love to watch it sparkle around my finger!  They always luster on!"

Asked if she would ever marry a man again, Bassey, in no uncertain terms said she would not.  Said Bassey:  "Unlike men, Diamonds won't leave in the night.  I've no fear that "PC" will desert me!  I don't need the love of a man!  What good would it do me?  Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for!  Yes!  Diamonds are forever!  Diamonds are forever!  Diamonds are forever!"

The Wuxi China Expatdom permits human being -- inanimate object marriage.

Wuxi Expat Wrestles Great White Shark near Lake Taihu Beach

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges wrestled a great white shark to the death saving hundreds of swimmers' lives at a Lake Taihu Beach.

Thursday, Admiral Bridges was doing his daily 50 km swim across the lake when he heard screams for help coming from Ling Shan Beach, a popular swimming resort for Wuxi Expats which is near the Ling Shan Big Buddha.  Responding to the cries, Bridges quickly swam to the beach and encountered a 100 foot long Great White Shark attacking swimmers and about to swallow them whole.

Immediately Bridges confronted the Great White; and for over four hours, the Admiral and the Shark fought till finally Bridges prevailed.  After defeating the Great White, the ever modest, genial and smiling Admiral said it was all it a day's work and that he wished the shark had been over 200 feet long so he could have faced a real challenge

Relieved swimmers witnessing the battle and the ultimate victory of Bridges formed a conga prisyadka line, dancing all through the gorgeous sunny Wuxi afternoon into the evening and then the night.

Rush Limbaugh Inducted into the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame

Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, commissioner of the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame, made an induction announcement that many observers felt was long overdue when he told a press conference, at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambays Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, of his decision to induct the great talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh into the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame.

After apologizing profusely to the assembled media for not having inducted Limbaugh sooner, Landis talked for three hours of all the great things that Limbaugh had done for Wuxi Expats.  "Though he has a busy schedule and is fighting against the administration of Barack Obama and so hardly gets to spend time in the Expatdom these days, Limbaugh's words have proved an inspiration for all successful and decent Wuxi Expats!" said Landis.  "During the dark times of the Ayatollah of Mordor, many Expats found solace and inspiration to fight through the words of Ma Ha Rushee that could be found on his website!  From far away in America, Professor Limbaugh was a shining beacon to all us in those dark times and still now.  For we realize that we  must be ever vigilant against those who want to destroy the great freedoms we have here in the Wuxi China Expatdom under the rule of His Majesty King Gorzo the Mighty and and the administration of Prime Minister Mango!"

Wuxi Expats, the Expatdom over, approved the induction announcement and wondered why it hadn't occurred sooner.

The President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, two-time WCEHoF inductee Archduke Harry Moore told the WCE Blog that he was "proud as peaches" to have Limbaugh join him in the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame.  "I look forward to meeting him, for the first time, at the induction ceremony!" said the Archduke.  "Rush has my mentor and hero all these years and it is to him that I credit my success in giving film lectures!"

His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty told the WCE Blog that his wife, Queen Ayria:  The Chosen One, got him onto Rush's show and had listening, religiously ever since. 

Harry Callahan, Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force, said he admired Limbaugh, "above all else," because he was an entertainer first.  "I try to do this in my day-to-day job!"

The commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Land Forces, General Colonel Harlan Sanders said "Ditto!"

The commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force, Air Marshall Gregory Peck said "Diitto!"

The commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy, Admiral Lloyd Bridges said "Ditto!"

Fred and Frank Minkleman, owners of Gambay's Pub said "Ditto!"

Andis Kaulins, the one who is the president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and doesn't teach English, said "Ditto!"

Andis Kaulins, the one who is the president of the Wuxi Expat Elite Expat Association and doesn't teach English, said "Ditto!"

Rush Limbaugh's official induction ceremony will take place on June 6.  Over ten billion trillion Wuxi Expats are expected to attend.

Jubilant Wuxi Expats Storm into Streets After Hearing News that Burger King Is Coming to Wuxi

Wuxi Expats are definitely excited that to hear that a Burger King is coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom.  When it was revealed in a local Wuxi Expat site that a Burger King was opening in the basement of Parksons on Renmin Road, millions of Wuxi Expats stormed onto the streets to celebrate.

In scenes resembling sports team championship celebrations, VE Day at the end of WWII, and the aftermath of a film lecture delivered by the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society Archduke, Harry Moore, Wuxi Expats whooped it up by kissing strangers, madly embracing in orgiastic acts, overturning police cars, and Prisyakda dancing.  Water hoses had to be sprayed on the celebrants to cool their ardour.

Many jubilant Wuxi Expats told the WCE Blog that they would never forget for the rest of their lives where they were when they heard the news of the Burger King opening in Wuxi.  Others said the day's celebrations were the greatest moments of their lives.

Hans Klingerer, the German member of the WCE Trio:  the backing band for the docile tones of vocalist Harry Callahan, said that the celebrations in Wuxi were much greater then those that he participated in after the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Larry Drysdale, one of the oldest Expats living in Wuxi, told the WCE Blog, that the celebrations of Burger King coming to Wuxi were ten times greater than those in New York City on either VE or VJ Day in 1945.  Drysdale rode his Shetland Pony down Zhongshan Road to celebrate.  "I can hardly wait to eat a flame-broiled burger!  I haven't had one since I was living in Frisco in 75!"  said Drysdale.

Ferguson Jenkins, from Chicago, Illinois, told the WCE Blog that he couldn't care less if the Cubs ever won the World Series now he had experienced the celebrations in the Wuxi China Expatdom for the opening of a Burger King.  "I don't see how Chicago people could ever feel as excited over a Cub World Series victory as Wuxi China Expatdomites feel today over a Burger King coming!"

The greatest scene of celebrations could be seen in the Wuxi China Expatdom's Harry Memorial Square Diamond, where an estimated eight hundred million Wuxi Expats Prisyadka danced and chanted "Flame Broiled Goodness!  We can hardly wait!"

Wuxi Expat Archduke tricks U.S. President Barack Obama into Visiting Home of the Hapless George Clooney

The WCE News Blog has revealed that U.S. President Barack Obama was tricked into visiting the hapless actor George Clooney's house by Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore.

The Archduke, in an exclusive interview with the Blog, said that the U.S. President had been badgering and begging him for a photo op.  "I completely respect the office of the U.S. President, but Barry was abusing the office and seeking to use me for political ends. When he heard I was in Hollywood interviewing and testing out starlets for the next James Bond the Gladiator movie, Barry said he hoped we could get together.  He said I could be a big help in his re-election bid.  A photo with me, he told me, could sew him up the vote among people who have higher then the median I.Q.'s, many of whose support he has lost in the past three years!" said his Archdukiness.

President Obama's suggestion put the Archduke in a bit of a quandry which required every bit of his clever mind to solve.  Said the Archduke: "I hate Socialism and Marxism and Fascism with every fiber of my being and I would never do anything to advance these stupid causes.  But  far be it for me to openly interfere in the politics of another country while at the same time being seen to disrespect the office of  their leader, so I devised a strategum. I told Barry I would be at the address of George Clooney's house at so-and-so time.  I then told George I was coming and so was the President.  George, of course, put out all the stops to greet the President.   Barry, of course, put out all the stops to make sure he was at the address of Clooney's house.  I later then "realized" that I had a wedding, a same-sex wedding ceremony, to attend.  I then told my assistant, to send an apology to George and Barry, just at the time I was scheduled to meet them.  I knew that explaining the circumstances that George and Barry wouldn't be able to complain!"

The Archduke told the WCE News Blog that George Clooney had been a protege of his.  "I was the one who gave him his first break and got him that role in E.R.  And he achieved fame of a sort.  But ultimately he was a disappointment to me because of his terrible treatment of women and his moonbat political stances.  I still talk to him because I do have a small hope of his somehow redeeming himself and I respect the way he takes care of his hair!"

Sources close to the U.S. President, said he was all he could do to not lose his composure or appear sad, at the sight of George Clooney and the absence of Archduke Harry Moore.  "But The President feels like a lover spurned, and there is a good chance, that like a lover scorned, he is going to be lobbing Drone Missiles at the Archduke in revenge!" said a close confidante of the President.

Former King-Of-Wuxi Update: Keeps Bats In His Cell

        The Wuxi China Expatdom Parliament has received a report from Guantanemera Bay's
Governor, George Reeves (pictured) concerning the former KOW, since-exposed as the
Ayatollah Of Mordor.

         The criminal Ayatollah was initially incarcerated at Hans Island, but has since been transferred to the escape-proof Guantamera Bay Cell Block C.

          Governor Reeves advises that the prisoner might be showing signs of remorse, for the
shameful deeds that he perpetrated upon the WCE.  "He requested permission to have around
thirty chickens in his solitary cell, as pets", said Governor Reeves.  "I consulted with my two cell-block guards, Jimmy Olsen, and Lois Lane, who maintain a 24-hour watch on the Ayatollah of Mordor".

          "We rejected his chickens-as-pets request. It's well known that he eats chickens, whole, and,
has also been known to perform err, what we law-enforcement people refer to as 'acts against the order of nature', with chickens."

           "So, we compromised. He now keeps around 250 bats with him in his cell. Treats them affectionately, and has given them all names too. Of course his cell-floor is permanently covered in a
deep layer of bat-guano, however he doesn't seem to mind that at all."

           The former KOW is held pending trial on charges including highway robbery, cruelty to children and animals, obtaining money and chocolate under false pretences, forgery, embezzlement of WCE funds, betrayal of public trust, malingering, wearing bright-pink socks with grey pants, mayhem, corruption of minors, corruption of miners, criminal libel, blackmail, contempt of court, arson, high treason, trespass, burglary, practice of unnatural vice, perjury, poaching, usury, collaboration with enemies of the Realm, criminal assault, manslaughter, wilfull and premeditated viewing of "grade B" science-fiction movies, wearing filthy and putrid-smelling undershorts, - to name just a few.

          But Governor Reeves' favourable report appears unlikely to gain any Expat sympathy.
DCI Harry Callahan said "I'm not buying any of that. The Ayatollah cost us a fortune, as well as a severe injury to my right arm, when we had to pursue him across three Canadian Provinces. I say, give him no clemency. He is an incorrigible punk, period".

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force Issues Warning about the Sexpat Goldfinger

At a press conference, held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force, via music and singing, issued a warning to local bar girls about the Sexpat Goldfinger.

WCE Police Force Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, accompanied by the WCE Police Force Orchestra,  opened the press conference singing, "Goldfinger, he's the man, the man with the midas touch, a spider's touch, such a cold finger, beckons you to enter his web of sin,  but don't go in....."

Callahan allowed WCE Police Force chief female vocalist Officer Shirley Bassey to take up the story.   "Golden words he will pour in your ear, but his lies can't disguise what you fear, for a golden girl knows when he's kissed her!  It's the kiss of death from Sexpat  Goldfinger!  Pretty girl!  Beware of his heart of gold!  This heart is cold!" sang Bassey.

Asked by the singing members of the Media, what Goldfinger wanted. Bassey sang, " He loves only gold!  Only gold!  He loves gold!  He loves only gold!  Only gold!  He loves gold!  He loves gold!"

The members of the media then gave Callahan, Bassey, the WCEPF Orchestra, and WCEPF music producer and arranger George Martin a rapturous standing ovation, before demanding and receiving several encores.  

The media members praised the conducting of the press conference accompanied by an orchestra and professional singers.  "It sure beats a dry iteration of press statements of typical press conferences made in the most Orwellian and boring language!" said WCE Blogger Andis Kaulins.  

Chief Inspector Harry Callahan said he got the idea for turning his press conferences into musical productions from watching a film talk given by the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, Archduke Harry Moore.  "The Archduke not only talked, but sang and dance!  It was an inspiration to me.  I decided then and there to set up a Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force Music Squad.  With a little persuasion, but not too much, I was able to get the greatest musicians the world over to join the WCEPF!  And this press conference was the result!" said Callahan.

DCI Harry Callahan; Admiral Lloyd Bridges - Eternal Vigilance In The Wuxi China Expatdom

Wuxi China Expat English Teachers and Pub Owners Participate in Pride Parade

Many Wuxi China Expat English teachers and Pub Owners took part in a Pride Day Parade on Wuxi's Zhongshan Road Saturday.

Thousands of bemused locals watched as the English teachers and Pub Owners rode in floats dressed in extravagant costumes that were flowery, fruity and not at all confirming to traditional moral codes.

Duston Short, from Ontario, Canada dressed in a frilly pink skirt with orange hair and green face paint, topped with a hat, fill of fruit, that would have made Carmen Miranda proud, told the WCE Blog that he was taking in part in the parade to show he was proud.  "I don't know what I is proud of" said Short "By believe you I, I can't help but feel pride because I am hanging with people who are proud!"

Bryan Glennie, from Toronto, Canada, dressed like bikini-clad Nun and carrying whips and chains, said he was "Oh Yeah! Proud!"

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pubs, dressed in a tight pink t-shirt and short yellow shorts provocatively showing off his legs, said  he felt pride in knowing that he knew some people who had pride and was proud.

Fred and Frank Minkleman, brothers and spouses who own and manage Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, took part in the parade so they could wear their two-headed Rosemary Clooney costume.  "We're the proudest two-head costume wearing galookas you ever saw!" said the brothers in unison.

Rip Taylor, an English Teacher at English Fungus School, got the locals temporarily excited by tossing glitter from a bag.  The locals were initially excited by Taylor with his big mustache, and his pink and neon green tuxedo till they realized he wasn't giving away money.

One female expat participated in the parade.  Henrietta Nabors, from Winnipeg, Canada, dressed up like Babe Ruth wearing a pink ballet dress.

 

Andis Kaulins, an English Teacher, who told the WCE Blog not to confuse him with the other two people in the Wuxi China Expatdom named Andis Kaulins but who weren't English Teachers, said he was disgusted by the whole parade and expressed gladness that none of these English Teachers pr Pub Owners who worked at his school, participated in the parade..  "I try to be humble and wear why my wife tells me to wear!  Thankfully, she doesn't make me dress up like Carmen Miranda with a leather teddy and postage stamp-sized Bikini!"

World's Best Surfing Can Be Found at Lake Taihu in The Wuxi China Expatdom

Considered to be one of the world's best surfers, Steve Thorp, says he is going to become a Wuxi Expat so he can surf the huge waves of Lake Taihu.  

"The Waves on Lake Taihu are the best in the world!" says Thorp.  "And Taihu is sure to be the Surfing Mecca of the world for centuries to come for two reason!  Number one:  Lake Taihu has the biggest waves in the world.  Only yesterday, I rode a wave that was three hundred feet high at the Ling Shan beach!  Reason Number Two: the Big Wave season at Taihu lasts twelve months a year.  I recommend surfing on Taihu in December and January when it is not so humid!  And if you are scared of the Big Taihu Waves, you can always surf on Li Hu which has waves like you would see in Hawaii and Australia!"

Thorp, who is also one of the world's leading proponents of Naturism, originally came to the Wuxi China Expatdom, to attend a Naturist Retreat at Ma Shan.  While there, he saw Lake Taihu.  "I couldn't believe the size of the waves!  It was a revelation!  I felt like I was like the first Europeans to come to Hawaii in the 1700s!  Not having brought a surfboard then, I made one of bamboo.  It was ripping!"

Thorp has opened a surfing supply shop in Ma Shan.  "You can buy or rent SB, Napapa or MacTavish Surfboards at a very reasonable price.  And if you are willing to try a local brand, I recommend Lihu Da Tao Boards."

There are rumours that Thorp's discovery of the surfing at Taihu will earn him a spot in the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame.  "Any person who can draw a hundred million tourists to the WCE deserves a spot in our Hall of Fame!" said Archduke Harry Moore, a two-time WCEHOF inductee.  "The 888m tall solid gold and diamond-encrusted statue of me on the WCEHOF Grounds can look lonely and forlorn!   A statue of Thorp riding some waves beside me would look grand!" said the Archduke.

Stuck on a Taihu Island for Thirty Years, Tour Group Finally Returns to Civilization

What started out as a three hour tour, turned into a thirty year ordeal for a group that had gone on a cruise of Lake Taihu near the Wuxi China Expatdom.  In 1982, the seven person tour group, consisting of a skipper, his shipmate, a movie star, a millionaire and his wife, a girl named Mary-Ann and a professor, was stranded on an island after the boat on which they were touring Taihu got caught in one of the many sudden and notorious squalls that hit the inland fresh water lake.  Their boat, the SS Minnow, was then shipwrecked on an uncharted island.

The castaways lived on the island for thirty years before they were discovered last week by Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges who was doing his daily fifty km morning swim across Lake Taihu.  "Usually, I don't swim in the area that the island is.  I prefer to swim in the parts of Taihu that are infested with piranhas and sharks.  It is more of a challenge!  But there was a rumor that there was an exploded nuclear device in the area, so I decided to investigate.  During my investigation, I found this uncharted fifty square km island with an adequate supply of water, bamboo and all sorts of food!  I then had this seven people run toward me like I was some sort of teen idol or Archduke Harry Moore" said the Admiral in an exclusive interview with the Wuxi Navy Blog.

The first question the group asked Admiral Bridges, upon being rescued, was whether or not Ronald Reagan had been re-elected to a second term as U.S. President.  When told he had been, the entire group, except the professor, expressed their satisfaction.  All the group was pleased to hear that a Negro had been elected President of the U.S. but sighed sadly, with the exception of the professor who punched the air in excitement, when they learned he was a Democrat.

The second question, about the world they had missed, came from the movie star named Ginger Grant who asked about Harry Moore.  "I remember he was such a young, dashing and virile presence who showed such great promise and I couldn't help but fall in love with him.  I wonder if he became a great orator, got to star in James Bond movies, became a great writer, was inducted into a Hall of Fame somewhere or  became an idol and role model to millions of men?"  When told he had done all these things, Grant fainted with a rapturous look on her face.  When finally brought back to consciousnesses, she expressed great sadness that she and Moore were never able to consummate their love.  Grant lamented that Moore combined virility with an extreme chasteness that made all woman lose their coyness in his presence, only to be disappointed.

Millionaire Thurston Howell the third and his wife Eunice were elated to see that Bridges and other Wuxi Expats had no clothes on.  When told that the Wuxi China Expatdom was the number place in the world for Naturists to live, the Howells said they would move back to the island and use the gold they had brought with them on the cruise thirty years ago to buy another boat.  "We will build a Naturist retreat on the island!" said Mr. Howell.

The Skipper and his captain mate's Gilligan were excited to hear about the Wuxi China Expatdom law permitting humans to marry inanimate objects.  The Skipper said he was going to marry his boat the S.S. Minnow.  Gilligan told the WCE Blog that he was going to marry the bunk bed, made of bamboo, that he and the Skipper had slept on for thirty years.

Asked how it could be that they could be stranded on an island, that was but ten kilometers from shore, for more than thirty years, the group all blamed the professor.  "It turned out that he wasn't as useful as the professor on the television series Gilligan's Island!  He was a professor of Sociology and consequently had no practical abilities that could have helped us!" said the girl named Mary-Ann.  "He couldn't even tie his shoes!"

The Wuxi China Expatdom will hold a celebration for the return of the castaways at Harry Moore Memorial Square Diamond on Monday, May 14.  Along with speeches by Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty and Prime Minister Mango; and musical performances by The WCE Trio and Meat Loaf & MeatLoaf; His Archdukeness and the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society Harry Moore will discuss the 1981 film: The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island.

Meatloaf And Meat Loaf A Feast For Music Lovers In The Double Happiness Country And Western Saloon Bar Street

          Sensational scenes occurred last night in the Expatdom's Double H when meatloaf and meatloaf made their much-anticipated appearance.

The gig was organised by the Double H's colourful impressario, Abraham "Tex Mex Oklahohoma Montana Wild Earp" Gulch, who'd spent weeks, and considerable funds, in promoting the month-long Meat Loaf Meatloaf concert series.

"Yup", said Tex, "we got meatloaf here. He and I go back a long ways, both of us being Lone Star State boys, and all".

      The superstar entertainer began his repertoire with his trademark hit, "Climb Ev'ry Mountain", sung in a bluegrass middle "C".  But when moving-on to his flip-side smash, "I Got Me A Yew, Babe", the 3 million-strong Expat crowd grew restive, with boos and cat-calls.

     A frantic Tex, fending-off teams of cats, urgently called-in the All-You-Can-Eat-Meatloaf-At-Half-Price, restoring calm and a festive partynight atmosphere. Meatloaf called for a spontaneous take-your-pardners and doo-see-doo squaredance, (conga-style) which brought tears to Tex's eyes.

     "But what in Sam Hill am I gonna do now?", Tex plaintively moaned. The consensus among
the delirious Expats is that meatloaf is now the dish-of-choice in the Wuxi China Expatdom, and
that it will go viral within a week.


      

Wuxi Expat Admits He Feels Schadenfreude

Wuxi Expat Hugo Z Hackenbush says he can't help but feel Schadenfreude when he looks at the rest of the world and compares its situation to that of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"You know!  I almost feel sorry for all those dumb bastards who didn't want to move to Wuxi or who left Wuxi before our King Gorzo established a constitutional monarchy!  But they had to jeer at those of us who stayed!  And look what they got!   In America, they have the Obama Presidency!   In Europe, they got the screwed up Euro!  In North Korea, they have son of son or whatever-his-name-is ruling!  In the Suzhou China Expatdom, they will spend years cleaning up because few of them were toilet-trained!  And what have we got?  Archduke Harry Moore, King Gorzo, Queen Ayira, Prime Minister Mango, Wonder Woman, Harry Callahan, Funk-Country Fusion, great mountain climbing, great surfing, great cuisine from the world over, a vibrant poetry scene not funded by the government, freedom, tremendous economic growth, dancing in the streets, great sports teams, camel riding, the civil war theme park, and the world's best army, navy and air force!  And so much more to boot!"  said Hackenbush, an animal doctor at the TE Lawrence Memorial Camel Riding Park in the Bing Hu District.

Hackenbush ended his interview with the WCE Blog saying: "Now that I think about it!  Non-Wuxi Expats can kiss my ass!  And I will revel in my Schadenfreude!"

Wuxi Expat Experiences the Sublime Effervescence of Living

Alfred Lord McClusky, Poet Laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom, tells the WCE Blog that he has experienced sublime effervescence by living in the Wuxi China Expatdom, and has written a poem about it.

"Contrary to popular perception, I haven't just experienced this sublime effervescence solely by reading that seminal piece of writing and photography: The Poolside Harry Moore.  There is something in the air in the Wuxi China Expatdom that also makes me feel a little extra oomph!!  While the Poolside Harry Moore is two to three times more spiritually uplifting than the Holy Bible, as even the Pope will admit, one still has to read it in the WCE to experience those true feelings of happiness, decency, divine love, liberty and freedom that cannot be experienced anywhere else on this God's Green Earth!  The effervescence that one experiences, anywhere on the surface of the Earth by reading the Poolside Harry Moore is truly splendorous, but it is easily ten time greater when you read it in the confines of WCE!  Fifteen times if you read it on the WCE shores of Lake Taihu!  Truly, the WCE puts the "sublime" in "sublime effervescence"!" said McClusky, dressed in a smoking jacket and wellington boots, as he was being interviewed in his 130th floor penthouse in the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog Towers in the Hui Shan New District of Wuxi, China.

Asked when the public could expect to read or recite his poem entitled An Ode to Sublime Effervescence Written on the Shores of Lake Taihu, McClusky said the poem was finished, but he was waiting for Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio to write some accompanying music.  "His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty has read the poem, praised it to the hilts, and now wants it to become the official national anthem of the Expatdom.  Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio were, of course, given the honor of being commissioned to supply the accompanying music.  Callahan, ever the perfectionist, has busted the head of thirty punk composer consultants, in his effort to make the most magnificent anthem of all time, whether for a nation or an expatdom!"  

Defeated French President Nicolas Sarkozy Says He's Moving to The Wuxi China Expatdom!

At his first Press Conference held after having lost the Presidential Election to François Hollande, Nicolas Sarkozy shocked the assembled members of the media by taking off his clothes and announcing that he was heading to "De Wuxi Expatdom."

"Now that de France is being run by de Socialists, my countree will become more of the asshole, so I am going to take my popsicle stand to de Wuxi China Expatdom!  I know that they gots de good King there!  Gorzo is magnificent!  He is better than Napoleon or Charles De Gualle!  I also  want to meet monsieur Harry Moore and his belle madame wife Miss Moneypenny!  I must know what Monsieur Moore thinks of Jerry Lewis!  I think he is a genius myself and yet I never hear Monsieur Moore talk about them Lewis movies!  I also like de Naturism that they got there!  I really hate to wear da chemise and de pantalons!  In de WCE, I'll be able to undress as I please!"  said Sarkozy, who looked like a man with a tremendous weight lifted off his shoulders.

Asked by a reporter from the Economist if he was worried about having to deal with smart alecky Wuxi Expats, like the English Teacher Andis Kaulins, saying he had lost an election to a Hollandaise sauce which was an emulsion of egg yolk and butter, usually seasoned with lemon juice, salt, and a little white pepper or cayenne pepper so that in appearance it was light yellow and opaque, smooth and creamy with a  flavor that was rich and buttery, with a mild tang added by an acidic component such as lemon juice, yet not so strong as to overpower mildly-flavored foods, Sarkozy said he wasn't planning on becoming an English Teacher and was going to hang out with Elite Expats.  "No smart aleck merdes among those guys!" said Sarkozy.

Sarkozy, after being questioned by a reporter from People Magazine, then told the press conference that his wife Carla Bruni also wanted to go the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "She is a very excited by de camel riding and mountain climbing in de Wuxi Expatdom!  She also wants to see da wives of Mango and King Gorzo:  Wonder Woman and Ayria: da one that was chosen!"

Wuxi Expat Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion and Confidante to U.S. Vice President Joe Biden, the currently unemployed Duston Short told the WCE Blog that he eagerly awaited the arrival of Sarkozy in the WCE.  "When I was in High School, I lost an election for a seat on the student council to a bottle of Heinz's Ketchup.  So I can sympathize with a guy that lost to a sauce!  Ketchup is Tomato Sauce when you think about it!" said Short.

World's Largest Camel Riding Park Opens in The Wuxi China Expatdom

Wuxi Expats can now go Camel Riding!  Thanks to The TE Lawrence Memorial Camel Riding Park which is now open in the Dong Ting District of Wuxi, China.

With over 80,000 square kilometers of desert, the TELMCRP is the best place in the world, outside of the Middle East and the African Sahara, for hump-back riding enthusiasts.

Manager of the Park, Joe Camel, a smoker and self-professed "hump-rider," told the WCE Blog that there is more going on the TELMCRP than just camel riding.  "Our park will also appeal to fans of TE Lawrence, fans of the films of the David Lean, Smokers, Water Dowser users and moderate Muslims.  We have a 40 screen state-of-the-art cinema showing David Lean's Lawrence of Arabia  twenty four hours a day, a TE Lawrence museum, a Prince Faisal Museum, authentic Arab guerrilla style fighters, an authentic replica of the Suez Canal, an authentic replica of Damascus circa 1917, Turkish Soldiers to massacre to one's desire, a state of the art cigarette factory making Camel Cigarettes, and over 50,000 underground Artesian and Evian water wells waiting to be discovered!" said Camel.

Asked about his stable of Camels, Manager Camel told the WCE Blog that he had about 100,000.  "We have 60,000 Dromedary Camels imported from the Middle East and North Africa; 30,000 Bactrian Camels from Mongolia and China; and 10,000 F1 Camels cross-bred between the Dromedary and the Bactrian.  We plan to bring in some other cross breeds including the F2 Dromedary and the F2.1 Bactrain!"

Camel told the WCE Blog that the grand opening of his park will take place on May 12.  "All the prominent leaders of the Middle East and North Africa, and his Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty will attend the opening ceremony.  After the ceremony, Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio will perform their unique fusion of Berber, Funk, Soul and Country music to warm the crowd into a frenzy for a lecture about the film Lawrence of Arabia to be delivered by the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, his Archdukeness, Harry Moore.  The first million people through the entrance gate that day will get a free carton of delicious and refreshingly effervescent Camel Cigarettes!"

Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada Organize Mayonnaise Festival to Celebrate Cinco De Mayo

Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada will be holding a Mayonnaise Festival at Li Hu Park on May 5th to celebrate Cinco De Mayo.

"We invite all Mexican, Latin-American, Spanish, Hispanic, Brazilian, Columbian and other similar nationalities residing in the Wuxi China Expatdom to attend this party in their honor!" said the Mayonnaise Festival organizer Bob Rae who is from Toronto.  "We appreciate how much Spanish types like mayonnaise on their food so we have flown in thousands of Jars of Hellman's Mayonnaise from Canada.  Festival attendees can use the mayonnaise on a wide variety of Wuxi local Food including Chicken's Feet, Mafa Tofu, Wuxi White Fish Sandwiches, McDonald's Breakfast Hot Dogs, Dico's Chicken Wraps, German Sauer Kraut, Pizza from Trattario Ferrara, Baozi, Austrian Meat Pies, Peaches and Wuxi Roast Duck!"

The Mayonnaise Festival will run from Sunrise to Sunset on May 5th.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Has a Thriving Counter Culture

The Meicun District of the Wuxi China Expatdom has become home to a thriving counter culture community.  Freaks, mountebanks and assorted oddballs, from the world over, have converged on the district to partake of the Wuxi China district's alternative music, ascetic naturism and counting practices.

Abbie Hoffman, a convicted felon turned Wuxi Expat, attributes the rise of the  Wuxi China Expatdom's counter culture to the one million percent GDP growth it has experienced in the last year.  "With its economy producing so much, so fast, there are a whole lot of things to count, man!" said Hoffman who tells the WCE Blog that he loves to count bridges and public toilets in Wuxi.

Jerry Garcia, a musician Expat from the USA, told the WCE Blog, that the counting songs, being played in the bars of Meicun's Haight Ashbury  bar street, were mind-blowing.  "I never heard the beers on the wall song before.  I saw a band start at a thousand beers on the wall and then count down.  It was totally awesome when they kept the crowd in suspense about how many beers they would take down off the wall!  Sometimes, it was one; sometimes, it was two; sometimes, it was five. It was way out CNCC machine groovy!"

Thanks to the counter culture, the Meicun District has become the part of the Wuxi China Expatdom that never sleeps as its patrons can be heard singing "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!" till sunrise.

Long established Wuxi Expats have joined in the counter culture: 

Wuxi Sexpats are said to be counting breasts on bar girls.  "So far, I have counted two on Cherry Soda!  Every time, it has been the same!  But I will keeping counting them just to make extra sure they haven't left!" says Sexpat John Hefner.  

Duston Short,  Midget Sumo Wrestling and Breakfast Hot Dog Eating Champion, is counting his fingers.  "I have to take off my shoes to do it!" says Short who says he is still confused about the order of numbers.  "I never know if five comes before eight or afterwards!"  Duston's brother Justin is counting his toes.  "To make it more of a challenge for myself, I am counting my toes with my eyes closed!" said Justin Short.  

Many Wuxi Expats are counting the number of copies they can find of the best-selling book The Poolside Harry Moore.  "So far I have counted 128,999,675!" says Hans Klinger, a member of the WCE Trio band.  

Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, is said to be counting his money.  "Only problem is my pockets are so deep, I find it hard to get down to the money!" said ET Kaulins.  

Archduke and Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore tells the WCE Blog that when he now counts the daisy petals he pulls as he contemplates the question of whether his wife Miss Moneypenny loves him a little or a whole lot.  "She loves me little; she loves me a lot; one; she loves me little; she loves lots, two.  That is how I do it now!" says Moore, his tousled hair shining sublimely in the mid-day Wuxi sun.

The commanders of the three arms of the Wuxi China Expatdom Armed Forces have embraced the counter culture as well.  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander, Admiral Lloyd Bridges is counting all his aircraft carriers and destroyers.  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Commander, Air Marshall Gregory Peck is counting all his fighter-jets, helicopters, heavy-bombers, light-bombers, gliders, Shopwith Camels and B-52s.  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander, General Colonel Harlan Sanders is counting his tanks, mortars and artillery pieces.

It is Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force Officer McNulty who is credited with starting the WCE counter-culture.  "His ability to dispense his personal and idiosyncratic brand of he-man, self-made, here's-how-you-do-it, divinely righteous, Good-Housekeeping-Seal-of-Approval-approved justice, while at the same time being able to keep count of the heads he has busted, is an inspiration to us all!" McNulty's commander Chief Inspector Harry Callahan.

President Of The Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association Defines The 'Concept Of Style'

Andis Kaulins, the President of the WCE's Elite Expat Association (WCEEEA), has given an address on the topic of "What Makes An Elite Expat Elite: - We are Not Of The Herd". Speaking at Xihui Park's mini-boat pond, President Kaulins told an enthralled crowd of Association members, and prospective members, that to be elite is "primarily a state of mind". "Speech, behaviours, deportment, etc, thus logically follow", he said. "For example", he said, "one refers to oneself as 'one'. One is never 'I', or 'me'. One can have conversations with others, and in so doing, one becomes recognised as being in the elite category". "Last night", he said, "one was in Gambays, sipping one's beverage, when a crass and intoxicated Expat spilt Tsingtao on one's bejewelled shoes. But one never displays one's anger - one merely draws one's verbal sword, cutting the scoundrel to pieces, with well-chosen elocution, expressing one's irritation." The Xihui Park attendees nodded as one, as they began to understand the President's concept. One man, Hans Klinger, posed a question. "President, Sir", asked Hans, "could you please tell us about style, and, how can I, err, I meant 'one', be more charismatic?". "Surely", replied President Kaulins. "Style is a matter of bearing. Fr'instance, no Elite simply 'walks', no, no, one 'carries' oneself with dash, elan, flair, lithsome agility, and panache. (Crowd-members frantically reached for their pocket-Oxfords). "As though skipping lightly over hot bricks, or gliding, in the manner of Fred Astaire. I can, for instance, travel from Chong-an to The Baseball Stadium, in a mere 3 minutes and 48 seconds", President Kaulins said. "Some have recently asked", the President continued, "- notably Harry Moore, about what is 'acceptable' in the Expatdom. Harry Moore thus revealed his bovine-commoner mentality, as a true-Elite would never need to pose such boorish questions". Prior to the conclusion of the Association's meeting, President Kaulins announced that the society would be staging a performance of "The Importance Of Being Earnest", and therefore a suitable candidate for the (pivotal) role of 'Lady Bracknell' would have to be chosen.

Wuxi China Expat Kindergarten Teacher Loves it When the Students Hit Him in the Crotch.

Lester McArthur, a Kindergarten teaching Wuxi Expat, says he loves it when his students hit him in the crotch or spank his butt.

"At first, I was like other teachers, and I hated it!  The kids thought it was the thing to do: to run at and hit or spank the foreign teacher in his intimate spots when his attention was elsewhere! !" said McArthur in an interview with Wuxi ESL. "I first to tried to find the guilty culprit after this happened and beat or twist their arm!"

"But I then learned to appreciate it, laugh at it and get off on it!  Now, I just play dumb and pretend to get really angry in a comical way!  What started out as being hit once or twice a class has turned into the entire class spanking me!  Oh!  How I love it!"

McArthur said he first hated teaching kids.  "But if I go back to my home country, they will put in handcuffs for something that was really a misunderstanding about a certain person's age!  So, I have forced myself to genuinely love it!"