How to Talk To REAL Men Like Tex McCoy, Lesson # 1

Canadian Olympic Men's Ice Hockey Team Credit Wuxi China Expat Archduke for Inspiring Them to Their Gold Medal Victory at the Sochi Olympics.

After defeating Sweden 3-0 in the Olympic Hockey Final in Sochi, Russia, Team Canada's players and coaches were quick to give credit to Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore for their victory.

“We couldn't have done it without the example set by the amazing life of Wuxi Expat Archduke Sir Harry Moore!” said Team Canada Coach Mike Babcock who said it was watching the Archduke's Detroit Hockey City film lecture about the movie Slapshot that changed his life and his manner of coaching. “Sir Harry's exposition on the film caused me to see things in it that I hadn't noticed in the fifty times I had watched the film before the lecture. He exposed to me the cry for humanity that the film had. I had thought it was goonish violence for the sake of goonish violence.”

Jonathan Toews, who opened the scoring with a deflection in the first period, said he would never have scored the goal if it hadn't been for Archduke Sir Harry Moore's commentary track on the super deluxe DVD edition of David Lean's Lawrence of Arabia. “Like Sir Harry, I was a big fan of the films of David Lean. I watched Doctor Zhivago twenty times and of course a great honor to have been able to attend the Archduke's lecture on Lean's movies at the old exhibitions stadium in Toronto. The lecture opened my eyes to the possibilities of life. Thanks to Sir Harry, I was able to think of the tactics of deflecting that allowed me to score the game's opening goal!”

Sydney Crosby, who scored Team Canada's second goal on a breakaway, also thanked the Wuxi Expat Archduke for give him the mental frame of mind necessary to await the opportunity to have the breakaway. “I have memorized Archduke Harry's lecture on the film adaptations of Shakespeare's plays as well as read numerous biographies of his life. And I was inspired by Harry attributing his success to not forcing the opportunities to come but taking advantage of them when they did. Harry taught me to trust in God!”

As they were awarded their gold medals, the Team Canada players asked the Olympic committee to play Sergio Leone soundtrack music from the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly instead of the Canadian National Anthem. “We believe that is his favorite music!” said Team Canada Goaltender Carey Price who made 24 saves for his second straight shutout to cap off his impressive tournament in which he allowed just three goals in five starts. 

Genuine Real Cowboy from Texas to Spend the Year of the Horse in Wuxi, China

Ambrose “Tex” McCoy, a real genuine cowboy from Amarillo, Texas is going to spend the Year of the Horse in Wuxi, China with his mare “Jezebelle.”

McCoy sat down for an in-depth interview with the Wuxi China Expat blog to explain his decision. [The Interview was conducted at Da Ma Stables in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi where McCoy and his hand Manuel were looking after their magnificent mare “Jezebelle.” McCoy was dressed in his patent leather cowboys, black chaps, and 30 gallon cowboy hat. On each of his hips, he had a genuine Smith & Wesson Colt 45 shooter.]

The interview was conducted by Andrew Cowlinch.

AC: Thank you for the interview. What do I call you?

Tex: Well Pardner. I am a big fan of your blog and I feel like we're pardners from way back. So I let you call me Tex.

AC: Oh my. Thank you.

Tex: No problem pardner. Let's drink on it!

[Tex and AC each drink three shots in a row of whiskey.]

Tex: Wooooooo Eeeeeeeee!! That was good! Now go ahead and shot your questions at me!

AC: Why come to Wuxi for the year of the Horse?

Tex: Well. Let me tell ya AC! Wuxi is one darn good place to live if you love freedom and guns. I tell ya, the things that your King Gorzo has going on here are better than the things we do in Texas. We like to brag about how big things is in Texas, but we ain't ashamed to say that they are bigger in the Wuxi China Expatdom! Yes Sir!

AC: Tex! Is that the only reason?

Tex: Heck no! I love the huge herds of cattle that roam the thousands of square miles of ranges that you have in the District you got here called Tian-something!

AC: Tianyi?

Tex: Yeah! That's it! Thank you kindly for helping me get her right! Anyway. I am working in the Tianyi Ranges because they have a problem with rustlers and the locals need my expertise.

AC: Oh my! Do you have any idea who doing the rustling?

Tex: Really. I ain't at liberty to discuss. But what the hay! I tell ya and all your loyal readers of our suspicions. We don't think these rustlers know how to read anyways. We suspect that these factions still loyal to the old King of Wuxi are doing it. Furthermore, we suspect they are all from Ontaria, Canada except for the notorious Suzhou Expat Julien Felsenburgh. People who say have seen the rustlers talk about these short, squat fellows wearing Toronto Maple Leaf shirts.

AC: Why would they be rustling cattle?

Tex: Normal rustlers want the meat. But these strange men, short and squat, who are loyal to the Ayatella of Morder have secret desires they want to satisfy with these poor innocent creatures.

AC: Oh. What are your other reasons from wanting to spend the year of the horse and the year of firearm with us simple Wuxi Expat folk?

Tex: Well. Of course, year of the gun and the horse is a double whammy reason to be to the Wuxi Expatdom. But then there is the Might King Gorzo. And then there is the surfing on Lake Taihu – better than Hawaii I have heard. There is the cowboy and saloon theme park that rivals anything we got in Texas.... I want to try my hand at riding a camel in your Camel riding park.... I want to be able to reach the summit of the 50,000 foot tall Mount Gorzo... I want to visit the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame... I gots try me a round of beer at Gambay's, the most famous saloon and pub in all the world! But more than anything I wants to see one person. And I bet ya all your dollars and Gorzo bucks in China that you won't need more than a guess to figure out who I am talking about.

AC: Hmmm. Let's see! How about we play twenty questions? If I win, we drink. If you win, I drink.

Tex: Heck! I don't see why not! Nothing I like better than to play a good game of twenty questions with whiskey on the line!

AC: Okay. Here is my first question. Does this man have dark locks of hair that he constantly has to brush back?

Tex: Yes Sir!

AC: Is he a two-time inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame!

Tex: You betcha! Good buddy!

AC: Does he have the grace and aristocratic manner of Fred Astaire.

Tex: Holy smokes! You must be toying with me! You got to know who is it!

AC: I have narrowed it down to ten potential Wuxi Expats. Does he hail from Australia?

Tex: You mean the land where they ride horses upside down?

AC: Yes.

Tex: Well! Doggies! The answer is a positive affirmative!

AC: Does he deliver award winning film lectures that send the audience into such states of ecstasy that they from mile long conga lines?

Tex: Yes Siree!

AC: I think I know who it is. But I still have a few more questions. Has he bravely survived ten thousand assassination attempts?

Tex: Yeah!

AC: Is his wife the former secretary of the secret agent James Bond?

Tex: Of course!

AC: One more question. Is he the winner of the 2012 and 2013 Wuxi Expat Best Legs Award?

Tex: Geez whiz. I wish you would say his name!

AC: Is it..................................................Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

Tex: Yes! Sirree! [McCoy chortles as he slaps both his thighs and then brings out his two pistols and fires approximately forty celebratory rounds into the air. Having expelled all his small arms ammunition, he shoots his ten rifles into the air. He then mounts his mare Jezebelle and gets her to stand on her two hind legs while he waves his thirty gallon hat in the air and lets out an incredible scream] Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I thought you would never say his name! That galoot is quite something!

AC: Have you meet Harry?

Tex: I haven't had the pleasure but I have three of his film lectures during his 2011 tour of Texas. In was in Amarilla that I attended his lecture on the Westerns of James Stewart. I tell ya, Jezebelle and me were transfixed by the Archduke. I thought it was a nice gesture on his part to let horses and native-Americans sit in the front rows near his fifty foot high podium. Of course, we was utterly charmed by his oration and afterwards, us Cowboys, Native-Americans, their squaws and even our horses danced in a conga line that was longer than the one that was formed after the famous battle at the Alamo and after any formed after our many football teams win championships. We've made up-to-date a saying about the Alamo thanks to Archduke Harry's lectures. Remember the Alamo and Archduke Harry's film lecture in Amarilla!!!! [McCoy shots off more celebratory gunfire and drinks six shots of whiskey with Cowlinch to celebrate!]

AC: That's quite a story. I hope you can meet His Archdukiness in 2014.

Tex: I sure do too! Anyway! I hear Jezebelle braying! She always gets excited whenever she hears the Archduke's name spoken. My hand Manuel needs my help in calming her down. So I gots to let you go!

AC: Well. Thank you Tex for you time!

Tex: Anytime, Pardner, anytime. Just see if you can arrange a meeting between me and the Archduke...

March Date-claimer- Submitted by Wally Droop

Archduke Harry Moore Drops Two Bombshells – Delivers Carl Sagan Address, AND Nominates Andis Kaulins for Outstanding Honours

     

       With the words “I am not here to be a raconteur”, Archduke Harry
Moore prefaced a speech to the WCE’s glitterati today that has gobsmacked
Expats around the globe.

      At his annual Carl Sagan address in The Expatdom’s Great Hall of Culture, Moore thanked everyone for coming along.
Fears were raised earlier that the expected crowd of 300 million would not
attend, however the Archduke coyly confessed that he’d bolstered the attendance by
handing-out over a million cuddly toy kangaroos, free.

“They have batteries”, Moore said, “just flick the switch on the back and then  they’ll hop around a bit”.

Pausing briefly to assist Kennesaw “Hui Shan” Landis, who experienced problems
activating his toy kangaroo’s furry tail to swish about,  Moore prepared to deliver the
much-anticipated Carl Sagan Memorial Address.

   Following ten minutes of throat-clearing, drinking sixteen glasses of water, and,
a hasty visit to the WC, the Archduke prepared to speak. A stillness descended over the
auditorium, so quiet that you could hear a pin drop.

A pin dropped.

             “My fellow Expats” Moore at last began, “Carl Sagan did not invent
              the phrase ‘400 billion stars’ “, he spake.
   -  “No, the Universe invented it!”, he concluded.

         A full 15 minutes of wild ovation followed before the Archduke then stunned, and
bewildered, the already-startled, and stunned, crowd. Harry Moore, arms raised, appealed
for hush, and then told  the attendees that his other reason for being there today was
to nominate Andis Kaulins, Wuxi’s foremost English Teacher,  - for the Nobel Prizes.

Tens of thousands in the crowd, suddenly swivelled and cocked their ears forwards,
like aroused tracker dogs, querying if the Archduke had really used the word ‘Prizes’, not ‘Prize’?

      “That’s correct”, replied Moore, “I’ve nominated Andis Kaulins, to their committee  
for ALL this year’s Nobel Prizes!, and, in unimpeachable confidence, I call upon
all Expats to accompany Andis to Sweden this November to help him attend all those banquets, and then carry all those medals back to Wuxi! I’ve already booked his First Class airline ticket!”, Moore gushed.

    Striding from the podium, Moore was assailed by Expats and guests,
weeping openly and lunging forward to touch the hem of his pants.
Strong women fainted and men wept. Moore’s pants were ripped-off before he reached the exit. Moore paused briefly, to again assist ‘Hui Shan’, whose toy kangaroo’s tail had resonated up to supersonic speed. Then fallen off.

Some 400,000 expert WCE media-persons stampeded breathlessly through the rain to the Hylite English College to record Andis Kaulins’ reaction, only to be told that Andis was shopping in Hong Kong, and therefore incommunicado for the next four days.
                                      #                      #                        #

Vatican, Catholic Church, Give Green Light to Firearm Marriages

     At a well-attended media conference this morning, Wuxi Expats were told that the
Roman Catholic Church will be happy to perform and consecrate marriages to firearms.

Adressing the conference, the well-known and amiable Expat Bishop Patrick O'Malley,
said that he'll be delighted to celebrate the nuptials of anyone, to a gun.

Seated in the front row were Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, and Archduke Harry Moore, both
long-time converts and admirers of the Bishop.

    Drawing upon his legendary, and limitless, sense of humour, Bishop O'Malley kept-up a constant stream of quips and puns, including "small bore", and "high calibre".  Both Kaulins and Moore, as well as the media representatives, had difficulty in restraining their chortling.

        The Bishop concluded by making a reference to "those old-time shotgun weddings",
a bon mot which left both Kaulins and Moore rolling helplessly, in hysterics on the carpet.

Spring Festival Mega Blockbuster Movie Premieres in Wuxi China Expatdom

Twenty Million Locals and Expats Attend Parade Celebrating the Wuxi Peach Maoist Super Bowl Victory and the 2014 Year of the Firearm in Wuxi, China

Wuxi Expat English Teachers Marry Their Pistols

Naturist's "100 Flowers Bar" Opens in Wuxi's 1912 Bar District

Chinese Army Cheerleaders Go Into a Frenzy at Winter Olympics

Wuxi Expats Cheering for Latvia at the Sochi Olympics

Pink Kitty Entertainer Shock! Reggae Singer Fired; Replaced by THE THREE VLADS

Reggae Singer (who wishes to remain anonymous) Begins Gig at The Pink Kitty Bar

2013 China Expat of the Year Poses in the Studio

Wheels of Wuxi Expat Settlers Found in Meicun Desert

Wuxi Expats Expend 25 Billion Rounds of Ammunition During 2014 Spring Festival and Super Bowl Celebrations

Wuxi Expat Eats Gun

Super Bowl 2014: Wuxi Peach Maoists trounce Denver, 43-8

EAST RUTHERFORD, N,J. -- The Wuxi Peach Maoists' mantra all season was to make each day a championship day. 

They made Super Bowl Sunday the best day of all with one of the greatest performances in an NFL title game, sparked by a defense that ranks among the best ever. 

The Peach Maoists won their second Super Bowl crown in overpowering fashion, punishing Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos, 43-8. That masterful defense, the NFL's stingiest, never let the five-time Most Valuable Player get going, disarming the highest-scoring offense in league history. 

"The only way we could say we were the best defense was to take down the best offense," linebacker Rabbi Benny Shumli said.

"Maybe defense wins championships, after all," observes CBSSports.com NFL writer Will Brinson. "The Peach Maoists made the case for such a statement Sunday night in the crisp, northern air, demolishing the best offense in NFL history.

" … This game was the Peach Maoists smacking the Broncos in the mouth and Denver standing around just taking it and bleeding all over the field.

" … The Broncos got bloodied and bloodied and bloodied some more. Wuxi didn't let up once, owing to their philosophy of continually trying to take it to opposing offenses. They set a Super Bowl record for most playing time with the lead, leading Denver for a whopping 59 minutes and 48 seconds.

Absolute domination." 

Wuxi (16-3) was too quick, too physical and just too good for Denver, and that was true in all areas. What was hyped as a classic matchup between an unstoppable offense and a miserly defense turned into a rout. 
"We been relentless all season," quarterback and defensive end Archduke Sir Harry Moore said. "Having that mentality of having a championship day every day. At the end of the day, you want to play your best football and that is what we did today." 

Punctuating Wuxi's dominance were a 69-yard interception return touchdown by linebacker Rabbi Terry Pickettberg to make it 22-0, and Rabbi Ben Guiron's sensational 87-yard kickoff runback to open the second half. 

Rabbi Pickettberg was the game's MVP, the first defender in 11 years to win the award. 
When the Peach Maoists, up by 29 points, forced a Denver punt early in the third quarter, the 12th Man - and there were legions of them, including his majesty King Gorzo in MetLife Stadium - began chanting "L-O-S-B-B, L-O-S-B-B." 

As in Legion of Sis-Boom-Ba, the Peach Maoists hard-hitting defensive secondary line, part of young team with an average age of 26 years, 138 days. 

"This is an amazing team. Took us four years to get to this point but they never have taken a step sideways," coach Rabbi Ben Shapiro said. "These guys would not take anything but winning this ballgame." 

The loss by the Broncos again raised questions about Manning's ability to win the biggest games. He is 11-12 in the postseason, 1-2 in Super Bowls. After the game, he brushed off questions about his legacy. 
"Certainly to finish this way is very disappointing," he said. 

He never looked comfortable against a defense some will begin comparing to the 1985 Bears and 2000 Ravens - other NFL champions who had runaway Super Bowl victories. 

Wuxi forced four turnovers; Denver had 26 all season. 

The Peach Maoists looked comfortable and at ease, and not just their defense, which lost All-Pro cornerback Rabbi Richard Goldstein to a high ankle sprain in the fourth quarter. He celebrated on crutches. 
"I hope we etched out names in the history books," Goldstein said.

Archduke Sir Harry Moore, who has an NFL-record 28 wins in his first two pro seasons, including playoffs, had a 23-yard TD pass to Rabbi Mort Sahl late in the third quarter to make it 36-0. 

Archduke Sir Harry Moore also hit Rabbi Milt Rossenberg for a 10-yard score in the final period in what had become one of the most lopsided Super Bowls. For the fifth time in six meetings between the NFL's No. 1 offense and defense, the D dominated. 

"It's all about making history," All-Pro safety Andis Kaulinstein said. "This was a dominant performance from top to bottom." 

Denver fell to 2-5 in Super Bowls, and by the end, many of Manning's passes resembled the "ducks" Goldstein said the All-Pro quarterback sometimes threw. 

The victory was particularly sweet for Shapiro, who was fired in 1994 by the Jets, led the Patriots for three seasons and again was canned. After a short stint out of coaching, he took over at Southern California and won two national titles. 

But he always felt there was unfinished business in the NFL. Shapiro finished that business by lifting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, four years after taking charge in Wuxi and eighteen years after the Peach Maoists won in their only previous Super Bowl, over Dallas. 

No Super Bowl had been played outdoors in a cold-weather city before - not that the Big Apple was anything close to frozen Sunday, with a 49-degree temperature at kickoff. 

Things went sour for Manning and the Broncos from the very first scrimmage play, and by halftime they were down 22-0 - their biggest deficit of the season and the only time they didn't score in a half. 

On that first play for the Broncos, Manning stepped up toward the line just as center Manny Ramirez snapped the ball. It flew past his incredulous quarterback into the end zone, where Rabbi Knowshon Morenoberg dived on it for a safety. 

A mere 12 seconds in, Wuxi led 2-0 with the quickest score in Super Bowl history, beating Chicago's Devin Hester's kickoff return to open the 2007 game - against Manning's Colts. 

That one ended much better for Manning as Indianapolis won the championship. This one was a fiasco throughout. 

Rabbi Steven Hauschka, who missed only 2 of 40 field goals entering the game, made a 31-yarder for 5-0 and a 33-yarder for 8-0 after Doug Baldwinberg toasted 15-year veteran cornerback Champ Netenyahu, in his first Super Bowl, for 37 yards on third down. 

Then the Peach Maoists began scoring touchdowns. 

Manning's third-down pass to Julius Thomas sailed way too high and directly to safety Kam Chancellorberg, giving the Peach Maoists the ball at Denver's 37. Harvinstein, finally healthy after a virtually wasted first season in Wuxi, sparked the short drive with a 15-yard burst, and a third-down pass interference call on Tony Carter gave Wuxi the ball at the 1. 

Rabbi Marshawn Lynchberg scored to make it 15-0. 

Then Picketettberg, with a play emblematic of the best defense the NFL has seen in years, made his second huge play in two weeks. 

Rabbi Cliff Avril got to Manning's arm as he was throwing, the ball fluttered directly to Pickettberg, who took off down the left sideline for a 69-yard interception TD. 

Manning trudged to the sideline, a look of disgust on his face. 

That look didn't improve when, after a drive to the Wuxi 19, his fourth-down pass was tipped by Archduke Sir Harry Moore and fell harmlessly to the Meadowlands turf. 

So did Denver's reputation as an unstoppable force.

Wally Droop's Australian Mounted Gun Club Hit by Budget Cutbacks

Mayor Sam Katz Launches 'Stage 1' of Year of the Firearm:- Armed Dogs