British Contingent of Wuxi Expats Denounce the Blogger Andrew Cowlinch

The Royal Society of Wuxi China Expats Who Come from Britian (RSWCEWCB) denounced the Blogger Andrew Cowlinch at their bi-annual conference held at the British Club Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.

"Andrew Cowlinch is a blighter!" said the RSWCEWCB General Secretary Lord Buringberry from Baslington Stoke on the Thames.

"Andrew Cowlinch is an impudent old cub!"  said the RSWCEWCB treasurer Earl of Cash Clapham Common.

"The blogger Andrew Cowlinch is a bad egg!"  said the RSWCEWCB's Darts Club leader "Stubby" Charles Forthwright of Wimbledon.

"Wussie Andrew is a trifler!" said the RSWCEWCB's Cricket Team Captain Mark Rossiter.

"Andrew Cowlinch is a wanker!" said the captain of the RSWCEWEB's Football Club, Rory Beckham.

Owner of the Chestnut, Walnut, and Pink Kitty Pubs, Wally Droop, said "The Pommies were mad at the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, a.k.a. Wussie Andrew, because of blog posts he had written which implied British people couldn't cook, had bad teeth, did unnatural things to each other when at public schools, couldn't play football worth a fig, and had lost an empire."

"His blogging is a rum business!  Very frightful!" added the RSWCEWCB General Secretary Lord Buringberry.

Andrew Cowlinch, who comes from Canada, and lives in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi, China with his wife Wilma and son Bam-Bam, could not be reached for comment.

Canadian Prime Minister Enthralled with Book Written by Wuxi Expat Archduke

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper says that he has read and examined thoroughly the book The Poolside Harry Moore (TPHM) and now wants to change the look of the Canadian Confederation established in 1867.

In a speech televised to all the Canadian nation from their capital which, for now, is still called Ottawa, Harper spoke of what changes he had in mind now that he had read the best selling book of essays and intimate portraiture of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

Canadian PM Harper said that he was thinking of changing his country's name from Canada to Harry Moore Land, but that for now, he would rename the national capital changing it from Ottawa to Harry Moore City and that the Maple Leaf on Canada's flag would be replaced by an image of the Archduke.  "We will hold a series of national referendum for Canada's citizens to decide which photo of the Archduke from the Poolside Harry Moore that would like to see on our national flag!  It has yet to be determined, but we will change the name of one of the great lakes and one of our great rivers, probably the Fraser, to honour the Archduke!" said PM Harper in the speech.

"The Poolside Harry Moore so changed my thinking on many issues!" said PM Harper.  "I, like most Canadians, assumed that Australians were all named Bruce, owned pubs, and liked to strut around provocatively in tight short-shorts; and that they sewed their wallets and/or purses to their stomach.  We didn't think any of them could write!  My God!  Moore's prose writings reminded me of the great Canadian writers like Mordecai Richler, Marc Steyn, Robertson Davies, Margaret Atwood, George Grant, Marshall McLuhan, and Stephen Leacock!  The treatises on government in the Poolside Harry Moore so wise and sagacious that we will hold a special convention in 2016 to adopt a new constitution based on the Archduke's suggestions!"

"Examining the photos of the Archduke in TPHM, I couldn't helped by be struck by how the physicality and good looks of Harry Moore so much reminded me of the vast territory that we Canadians are so fortunate to possess.  His tousled black locks of hair are as luxuriant as a rain forest in British Columbia.  His abdominal muscles are as flat as the vast Canadian prairie which extends from Manitoba through Saskatchewan to Alberta.  Examining the photos exhibiting the Archduke's physical strength, one can imagine that his abdominals are as hard as the Canadian Shield which extends over a great area of Canada encompassing the provinces of Ontario and Quebec.  His sunny disposition can't help but make one think of a prairie sunrise.  His smile is vast like our great northern tundra.  The glint in his eyes shimmers like the waters of Hudson's Bay.  The photos of him taking deep breaths reminds me of the great tides of the Bay of Fundy which can be seen in our Maritime provinces.  As a Canadian staring, with fascination and awe, at the more intimate parts of the Archduke, I can imagine the feeling of wonder that the first European explorers felt as they first set eyes on the shores of Nova Scotia and Newfoundland!" said Harper, who at this point, began to hyperventilate and to take some swigs of Crown Royal Whiskey before he could carry on with his speech.

Harper an avid sports fan also saw resemblances between the Archduke and some famous Canadian hockey players.  "The photos in the TPHM of the Archduke swimming show him to have the athletic flair of Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux.  The photos of the Archduke wrestling with a twenty foot long great white shark show him to have the strength of Bobby Hull and the intensity of Maurice "the Rocket" Richard."

Harper ended his speech with an impassioned observation of the Archduke's oratory.  "When he talks of film, he practically sings with the docile tonality of Gordon Lightfoot, Bucky Saint Marie and Anne Murray; while at the same time maintaining the folksy-down-home-hot-stove-league-hokey-pokey stylings of Stomping Tom Connors and Tommy Hunter!"

Leader of the three major oppositions parties in the Canadian Parliament were quick to denounce the PM's speech saying it bordered on lunacy:

"It is sheer craziness that we are doing so little to honor the author of the great book the Poolside Harry Moore!"  said leader of the Opposition NDP Party Thomas Mulcair.  "I don't see why we just don't change our country's name to Harry Moore Land right now!  I say we do before the Americans do!"

"Why haven't all the images we have of the Queen been torn down and replaced with images of Archduke Harry Moore?  At the least, PM Harper should have made the Archduke our Governor General and dissolved parliament so that he could rule us by decree!" said Justin Trudeau, the leader-presumptive of the Liberal Party.

"If he make the archduke the Harry the Moore the King of the Canada, we won't have the need to become the separate country" said Pierre Bouchard, leader of the Separatist Bloc Quebecois.

Other critics of the PM, asked why it was that the Poolside Harry Moore couldn't just become the official flag of Canada.  "With so many wonderful photos of the Archduke in TPHM, I say we just have a flag for each day of the year!" said the famous Canadian journalist and music critic Marc Steyn.

Wuxi China Expat English Teacher Likes to Do It "Jiangnan" or "Gagnum" Style with His Students

Faruk Bagolli, English Teacher at Universal Milky Way Experimental English Fluency Training Center in Downtown Wuxi, says he likes to do it "Jiangnan" or "Gagnum" style with his young female students and sometimes with better-looking young male students.

Bagolli, a 55 year old Albanian Canadian Expat from Burnaby, British Columbia, tells the WCE Blog that the music video has given him ideas for ways to entertain his students.  "I will do whatever it takes to get them to come with me after class, in the evening, if you know what I mean; and so I do the Jiangnan style thing with them.  Of course, I get them to agree to  let me do Bagolli or Greek Sailor style for them.  It is all in good fun and it liberates their passion for the long life they have ahead of them!"  says Bagolli.

Asked if he is exploiting the young students, Bagolli says he was preparing them for the real world.  "There is more to English than speaking or writing it, if you what I mean!" insists Bagolli.

Wuxi Expat Learns Barack Obama Won the Election

Thor Lyndon, an English Teacher at All Natural Universal Atlas Globe English, has just learned that Barack Obama won the presidential election.

"The U.S. had an election?  I didn't even know who was running!  I guess that out here in Wuxi, you think about other things!" said Lyndon who wasn't quite sure what his home country was.

Besides teaching English, Lyndon tells the WCE Blog he gets drunk at all the local Wuxi Expat Pubs at the same time.

Ontario, Canada Expat Considers It A Great Honor to Be Called The English Teacher Extraordinaire

Duston Short, from Orillia, Ontario, Canada considers it a great honor that the patrons at a local pub call him the English Teacher Extraordinaire.

"Me so happy by this nick of name that I put it in or onto my resume!  Me wishes the schools that fire I always would appreciate me like my pub pals!" said a happy Short who ate thirty more cheeseburgers to celebrate his learning of the nickname.  Short had recently been let go by a Wuxi English School for the 50th time -- a record for Wuxi Expat English Teachers. ** 

"Them be using the nick of name for me for many years.  Me only learned about it last night when I walked into the pub by accident!" said Short who said he couldn't understand why his pub pals were not calling him that to his face.

**The previous record for Wuxi English school dismissals was held by Robert Downey Jr, who worked at seven English schools from 2004 to 2011 before finally being forced to leave Wuxi on account of morality charges.

Wuxi China Expatdom Military Establishes Bar Girl Brigade

Supreme Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Armed Forces, General Clarence Chugwater, proclaimed the establishment of the Wuxi China Expatdom Crown Royal Bar Girl Brigade, at a military parade held at Harry Moore Square Diamond on Thursday.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Buffet Reconnaissance Force, will become the sixth branch of the WCE Armed Forces which consists already of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Marine Corps, and the Wuxi China Expatdom Buffet Reconnaissance Force.  The WCECRBGB will be commanded by General Cherry Soda, senior bar girl at the Club Bonavista in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China

After a march-past, General Chugwater addressed the brigade as well as over one million observers to explain the rationale of the Wuxi China Expatdom Supreme Military commanders in creating the sixth arm of the Wuxi China Expatdom Military:

"Because of the constant shrill whining from the shrewish part of the Wuxi China Expatdom Feminist-Sexpat alliance about there being no woman in any of the other branches of the WCE military, with the exception of the Buffet Reconnaissance Force, we have formed the Bar Girl Brigade.  The commanders of the Wuxi China Expatdom were opposed to the fraternization of the sexes in WCE military operations.  The average Wuxi China Expat male, with the exception of the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, is a highly sexed creature, incapable of concentrating on the task at hand when there is a woman around.  All Wuxi China Expat males, including the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, can't deal with the constant whining that women would most certainly give males during military operations.  So women mixing with men would destroy the combat effectiveness of our military.  We are adamantly opposed to doing anything that would weaken our military!  His majesty King Gorzo is thankfully, for the military and free individuals everywhere, totally in agreement with Joints Chief of Staffs about this.

We are aware that women, despite their size, have a combativeness that makes many men look like what we assume many woman to be.  That is why, we do see a Bar Girl Brigade as a way to strengthen our military.  I think of my time in Israel.  The Israelis gave their women military training.  But the Israelis whose survival depends on never losing a single war, were not so stupid as to put men and women in the same unit; nor so uncivilized as to send the women in first.  Neither should we be.  But our women won't be a force we send in when all our men are dead.  They will have their missions.  Our enemies of the future will run away when they see a brigade of Amazon Shrews coming at them like battle-axes from hell!" 

Wuxi Expat Pub to Hold a Family Night

The Santiago Cafe will hold a family night every Sunday, announced Co-Manager Moe Muggins to a standing room only press conference held at the Wuxi #7 People's Hospital parking lot.

"We at the Santiago Cafe are well aware that having a child and a wife puts a cramp in one's social life.  We are also aware that children will become our future customers.  That is why, starting this Sunday, the Santiago Cafe will waive the cover charge for families coming to the pub.  Families will be able to order food from our extensive menu at half price.  They will also be able to take advantage of drink specials.  Children, under fourteen, can drink for free, with no exceptions.  That is, they can order anything they want from our liquor menu that features one hundred different brands of beer, two hundred of the most wonderful French wines and over five hundred kinds of shooters, including some concocted by our bartender Maurice especially for children like the Barney the Dinosaur, the Big Bird, the Teletubbie, the Percy, the Henry, the Toby and other Thomas & Friends shots!"  said Muggins.

Asked about contests, Muggins said that there would be contests for family members no matter their age.  "We have thought of games with whipped cream that can be played by Mom, Pop, junior, Sis, and your uncle Leo!  Winners of the contests can receive autographed copies of the Archduke Harry Moore & Mrs. Miss Moneypenny instructional how to start a family video or the a Itunes Gift Card good for the purchase of their favorite hip-hop songs!"

Asked about baby-sitting services, Muggins said that the pub's clowns had received first-aid training and passed criminal record checks.  "Sober or drunk, families can feel completely safe at the Santiago Cafe Family Night!" exclaimed Muggins.

Expat Says It Was Serendipity That Lead to His Coming to The Wuxi China Expatdom

"Blame Serendipity?!  Heck!  I credit Serendipity for the fact that I am here and now label myself a loyal subject of His Majesty King Gorzo The Mighty!" says Frederick Cornwallis, Fifth Earl of Ickenham, known to the Wuxi locals and Expats as "Uncle Fred."

Uncle Fred, who teaches English at Solar Systematic Outer Planetary Experimental Nuclear English School, says before that he came to the Wuxi China Expatdom he was down on his luck,  and contemplating suicide and even worse things like watching an episode of Oprah Winfrey.  "I was unemployed.  My fifth wife had left me.  I was a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club.  And even worse I was actually living in Toronto and all my friends were from Ontario, Canada as well as being NDP voters.  I was down to my last pair of three-day-worn undershorts.  My socks had holes in the toes and the heels.  The Anglican Church I was attending excommunicated me.  I was contemplating joining a Manichean cult, but I instead thought of ending it all by forcing myself to watch the same episode of Oprah Winfrey over and over again, while sitting on the sidewalk outside the Air Canada Center in Toronto!" said the Fifth Earl of Ickenham.

But then, according to Uncle Fred, manna fell from heaven and practically hit him on the head.  "Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore was giving one of his inspiring paradigm shifting film lectures -- I believe it was either about the films of Donald Sutherland or about film adaptations of the books of Mordecai Richler, at the Air Canada Center   I didn't attend the lecture, but I couldn't believe the joy and pandemonium I saw on the street as the attendees filed out of the arena.  I never saw so many happy people.  The length of the conga line brought back memories of my time attending gala parties in Ickenham!  And then I ran into a volunteer from the Salvation Army.  She gave me a free copy of the Poolside Harry Moore.  The intimate photos of the Archduke which showed his raven black tousled hair to perfection, and his clear, crisp prose crushed any thoughts I had of committing suicide or joining the Oprah Book Club!  I had a goal and that was to move to the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Acquiring the skill and mindset to become a proper Wuxi Expats wasn't easy for Uncle Fred.  "I had to join U.S. Marines and take part in basic and paratrooper training,  while at the same time studying for doctorate degrees in Engineering, Latin Rhetoric  Classic Greek Studies, Tang Dynasty poetry appreciation, and Advanced Nuclear Naturism Theory at the leading universities in North America and Europe.  I, of course, converted to Roman Catholicism and and confessed all my sins in a eight day session where I had no sleep or food.  Finally, I completed the most difficult part and got my TEFL certificate over three weekends at the University of Toronto!"

Now Uncle Fred says he is happily living ever after in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "I don't watch the Maple Leafs on televison any more!  I have a wife, a local girl, who I know will never leave me.  We are now expecting her fifth child.  People ask me how I can afford to have so many children on an English Teacher, and I tell them three things:  Love, my faith, and the fact that I live in the wonderful Wuxi China Expatdom!  And to think this all wouldn't have happened to me if a sweet person from the Salvation Army in Toronto, Canada hadn't given me a copy of the Poolside Harry Moore! It was a really serendipitous moment, I tell ya!"

"Zhongnan Hai", "Hongdo", "Nanjing", “Winston”, “More” and “Chesterfield” – most popular cigarettes in Wuxi China Expatdom in January-September

In the first nine months of 2012, The Wuxi China Expatdom's most popular cigarettes were "Zhongnan Hai", "Hongdo", "Nanjing", "Winston", "More" and "Chesterfield", according to information on excised goods compiled by the Wuxi China Expatdom Revenue Service. 


Other popular cigarette brands were "Marlboro", "Monte Carlo", "Wall Street", "Red&White", "Kent", "Bond" and "Caines", informs WCEETA.

According to the Wuxi China Expatdom Revenue Service's data, the largest importers of tobacco products in January-September were Philip Morris Wuxi China Expatdom, Wuxi China Expatdom Sales Network and British American Tobacco Wuxi China Expatdom.

Wuxi Expat Curmudgeon Says He is Pleased by The Obama Election Victory

Larry Drysdale, a leading Wuxi Expatdom's crankiest curmudgeon, told the WCE Blog that he is personally pleased by the re-election of Barack Obama to the U.S. Presidency.

"It only goes to prove that I am right in what I have been saying all along, about things being for shit or going to shit!  The shit-for-brains American people re-elected a president who wasn't worth a shit.  And this time, they can't say they had been shitwinked!  The guy proved to them he was for shit but they voted for him again anyway!  The dumb shits!  But that's what you get when you give the woman the vote" said Drysdale.

Drysdale, who said he was the last-of-a-line of self-made man who were smart enough not to grab a turd from either end, said he looked forward, with relish, to Obama's second term.  "They will be twenty shit trillion in the hole when Boy Obama fills out his term.  By the time he is done, the government won't be able to pay for a roll of ass wipe without borrowing money from my Chinese in-laws!  Maybe they can rip up their regulation books and use that paper to wipe their ass!  Ha ha! That is, if they know how.  Any person that voted for Obongo probably can't pee straight, let alone tear paper off a roll and wipe their butts with it.  What's that German word for enjoying shitheads getting their comeuppance!  Shitsausagehitlerburger?  I am going to experience a lot of that in the next four years provided I don't die of a heart attack first!"

Asked if he thought Romney would have been a better president, Drysdale said: "Probably not.  That guy was the choice of those RINO types who would agree to hold one end of a turd while the Democrats held the other, and then brag about how they got to hold the end of the turd that was thin.  Romney was too much of a shit-tolerater to win an election these days!  If you are going to run excrement against excrement!  Guess what happens!  The excrement wins!"

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Fired for Urinating in front of Students

English Teacher Duston Short has been fired from Galactic Universal He-Man English School for urinating in front of a class of female students.

At a press conference held near the playground of the McDonald's at the corners of Xueqian and Zhongshan Roads, the Galactic Universal He-Man English School Director of Studies, Benito Norman said Short entered a classroom of female students and urinated in a Coke bottle he had brought to class with him.  "There were complaints and many of the students asked for refunds so we had no choice but to let Short go!" said Norman.

Short, in an interview with the WCE Blog, said the firing was unfair.  "The boss phones I saying me was late!  So I run from the McDonald's to make him happy.  I thought me do him favor because me didn't waste time in the bathroom!  What supposed me to doing?"

DOS Norman, responded to Short's charges, by saying that Short could have used the toilet that had been installed, especially for him, in the corner of the classroom.  "We don't understand why he didn't use that w.c.  We tried to accommodate his penchant for cheeseburgers -- so desperate were we for pasty-white bodies to do the classes we were contractually obligated to teach!"

Wuxi China Expat Poet Laureate Asks: Who Goes with Fergus?

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate, Alfred Lord McCluskey, flushed with success from his composing the poem In Flunders Fiord, asked who would ride with Fergus.

In an exclusive interview with the WCE Blog, McCluskey asked the following:  "Who will go drive with Fergus now, and pierce the deep wood's woven shade and dance upon the level shore?"

When the young interviewer from the WCE Blog volunteered, McCluskey offered him the following advice:  "Young man, lift up your russet brow, and lift your tendril eyelids, maid, and brood on hopes and fears no more.  And no more turn aside and brood upon love's bitter mystery; for Fergus rules the brazen cars, and rules the shadows of the wood, and the white breast of the dim sea, and all disheveled stars."

Wuxi Expat Blogger Composes Panegyrics for the New Bacon Double Burger at McDonald's

Blogger Andrew Cowlinch really likes the New Bacon Double Burger at McDonald's -- so much so that he has foregone all other forms of food, and eaten the burger for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the three weeks since the burger was put on the McDonald's lunch and dinner Menu.

"It reminds me of the Mozza Burger that you can get at A&W's in Canada!" said the blogger in an exclusive interview with the WCE Blog.  

Cowlinch's satirical blog lampooning Wuxi Expats gets three or four readers a day, he figures.  Asked if he knew any of the readers, Cowlinch issued a firm denial.

Asked if he was frequenting McDonald's because of perceived slights from a Crimean Restaurant that is also near the school, Cowlinch was at first silent before saying that he was simply looking for new dining experiences and that he didn't feel, for even a second, that the Crimean Restaurant was taking him for granted.  "Sure, they said something about my always ordering the same beef galoty on their menu, day in and day out, but I am sure they were just joking and I took absolutely no offence whatsoever!"

Cowlinch then steered the interview to the subject of the bacon double burger.  "It is currently the best burger in town, bar none!  The burgers you could probably get in the other restaurants, especially the Wuxi Expat pubs, are more than likely crap!  The bacon double burger from McDonald's is nectar in a beef form combined with bread and bacon!  The sauce is sheer ambrosia!"

Other Wuxi Expats say they like the burger, but they think Cowlinch is going overboard with his panegyrics about the burger at work.  "He is delivering them to his fellow English teachers, his Chinese colleagues, and all students no matter what their level of English!" said Cowlinch's colleague the Duchess Sir George Gansby Badminton Pinkington Stoke.  "And even that would be tolerable, if he wasn't forcing the students at gunpoint to go the restaurant and order the burger!"

Cowlinch's wife Wilma, a local girl, doesn't tolerate the panegyrics.

One Wuxi Expat, whom all would have expected to have eaten the burger, hasn't.  Disgraced former midget sumo wrestling champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom, 

English Teacher Duston Short told the WCE Blog that he is still working through his daily pre-paid pre-ordered allowance of 200 cheeseburgers he ordered for a year.  "Me gots remaining six months of cheeseburgers.  Hopes them new burgers on the menu still there in six months or so when me gots money again."

Twenty Wuxi Expats Hospitalized after Choking on Condoms

Twenty Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada are resting comfortably in the #2 People's Hospital on Zhongshan Road, after an aborted night on the town..  They apparently choked on condoms they had gotten from a dispenser in the washroom of the Pink Kitty Pub in Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street.

Owner of the Pink Kitty Pub, Wally Droop told the WCE Blog that a group of twenty one Expats from Ontario thought he had bubblegum dispensers in his washrooms.

"Duston Short, the leader of the group, complained to me of oily tasting bubble gum, but I had no idea what he was talking about!" said Droop.

Short, an English teacher, told the WCE Blog that he is the only one of the Ontario, Canada Expats who spit out the gum after finishing chewing it.  "I tell they gum be oily, but listen not to me, did they!" said Short.

The incident was first time that non-colonial Wuxi Expats had to be hospitalized for injuries related to misuse of condoms.  Thousands of colonial Shanghai Expats, Beijing Expats, Suzhou Expats and Nanjing Expats are hospitalized weekly for thinking condoms are bubble gum, thinking condoms are needed during oral sex,  thinking condoms are needed to be held in place with tacks or tape, and thinking condoms have to be worn on one's head during intercourse.

Asked why the colonials hadn't be made to take sex education courses, the acting minister of Wuxi China Expatdom Colonial Affairs, Ellsworth Toohey, told the WCE Blog that he had been told by his boss, the Wuxi China Expatdom Colonial Minister Archduke Sir  Harry Moore -- currently on the surface of the Planet Mars, to not bother teaching the Colonials anything.  "The Archduke told me that a little knowledge is a dangerous things with these colonial Expats because they are in such a primitive stage of intellectual and civilized development.  The Archduke cited his experiences, telling me how  hundreds of Nanjing and Shanghai Expats were injured when being taught how to use fire; that the day after Suzhou Expats were given shoes to wear, they were cooking them for their supper; providing hammer and nails to Beijing Expats resulted in untold numbers of crucifixions; and how every Expat, not from Wuxi city, chokes himself of herself when trying to tie shoes!"

Creator of McDonald's Breakfast Hot Dog Wins Highest Wuxi Expat Civilian Honour

Frank Anthony Furter Wiener has been awarded the Wuxi China Expatdom's, and probably the world's, highest civilian honor, the Gorzo the Mighty Royal Medal of Human Expatriate Achievement, for his creating the Breakfast Hot Dog at McDonald's.

His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty had this to say, to an audience of over one million, when he presented the medal to Wiener in a special ceremony held at Harry Memorial Square:

"How many breakfast hot dogs have Wuxi Expats eaten since they were put on the McDonald's menu?  How many times have Wuxi Expats performed the prisyadka dance after having eaten a breakfast hot dog?  How many Wuxi Expats, filled with passion after eating the breakfast hot dogs, have made love to their Chinese girlfriends and then done the proper thing and married them, and thereby created more well-raised little Wuxi Expats?  How many times has Duston Short tried to stick a breakfast hot dog where the sun don't shine?  How many?  Well let me tell you!!  More than any of us can count!  I bet you can count to infinity twice and still be underestimating the joy and good fellowship that the Breakfast Hot Dog has brought to the Wuxi China Expatdom!  Of course it is a small infinitesimal fraction of the sheer wonderfulness that has Archduke Sir Harry Moore has brought to the Expatdom, but that is not to shortchange Wiener's achievement one bit!  No sir!  But I have to put things into perspective for those who know the Wuxi China Expatdom and those who don't!  Wiener's accomplishment is greater that the Americans putting a man on the Moon!  It is just not as good as the artistic achievement of the wonderful book of prose and photos:  the Poolside Harry Moore!  But Wiener  is the first person, besides the Archduke to win this medal!  I salute you and pray that more Wuxi Expats can do such wonderful things with food!"

Wiener, who teaches English at Global Galactic Solar System Giant Planet Super Nova English, says that being a Chef is a hobby of his.  "It isn't as manly as fixing cars or lumberjacking, but cooking is an English Teacher's way of raising his or her self-esteem!"

Leftist Wuxi Expats Celebrate Obama's Election Victory

Wuxi Expat Leftists held a huge parade on Wuxi's Zhongshan Road to celebrate the recent victory of Barack Obama in the U.S. Presidential election.

The Forward! Celebration organized by the Wuxi China Expatdom Obama Phone Group featured marching and displays of military and lovemaking hardware by other Leftist Wuxi Expat organizations including the Wuxi China Expatdom Nudist Party, the Wuxi China Expatdom Sexpat Feminist Alliance, the Wuxi China Expatdom Green Hats Environmental Group.

The celebration's keynote speech was given by the Wuxi China Expatdom Obama Phone Group General Sectary Ivan Fence who offered a conciliatory hand to the people who were disappointed by Obama's Victory.  "I don't see why those who didn't support our great leader should feel excluded from this great victory!" said Fence.  "It is a victory for us all!"

Asked, by reporters, how it could be that anti-Obamanites would accept the offer of conciliation given that, during the campaign, they had been called "woman-hating, tree-burning, gun-toting, religious-clinging, wheelchair-pushing-seniors-off-the-cliffing, baby-eating, child-molesting, fascist, greedy capitalist simpletons who should be crushed like cockroaches," Fence sternly said:  "If they know what's good for them, they will accept it!  They wouldn't want to be awoken by a four a.m. knock on the door, now, would they?"

Wuxi Expat Hopes The 18th Congress of the Chinese Communist Party Comes to An End So He Can Look at Kiddie Porn Again

Thor Lyndon, a Wuxi Expat from Des Moines, Iowa, tells the WCE Blog that he can't wait for the 18th Congress of the Chinese Communist Party currently taking place in China to come to an end so he surf for Children's pornography again.

"None of my VPNs have been working the past week so I can't access my favorite porn sites.  It is frustrating!  I have asked the other teachers at my school and they have had the same problems --  I mean they can't access their favorite sites either.  The blogger Andrew Cowlinch tells me that he hasn't been able to get to his Wordpress and Blogger sites!" said a clearly angry and frustrated Lyndon, who teaches English at the Global Universal Galactic Inter-provincial English Training Center in the Wuxi New District.

"At the pubs, the word is that the powers that be in Beijing are being extra vigilant on the Internet because of that Congress, and that once it is over we can resume our normal VPN-aided web-surfing.  I hope they are right!" said Lyndon with his fingers crossed, balancing his twelve foot long good luck totem pole on his head.

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate Composes Poem to Honor Veterans on Remembrance Day

Alfred Lord McCluskey's reading of his newly compose poem, In Flunders Fiord, was the highlight of the annual Wuxi China Expatdom Remembrance Day Ceremonies held at Harry Memorial Squares Gold, Diamond, and Platinum.

Accompanied by the bagpiper Angus McGlutten, the Poet Laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom read the following:

In Flunders Fiords the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flunders Fiords.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flunders Fiords.

At the conclusion of the reading, the ten million who attended the ceremony broke into a long, generous and warm applause for McCluskey and McGlutten.

After the ceremony, McCluskey told the WCE Blog that he was inspired to compose the poem because of his preoccupation with death and how it stood as the transition between the struggle of life and the peace.

"I think this poem will be recited on Remembrance Day from now to ever after!" said his majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty.

Wuxi Expat Poetry fans say Flunders Fiords is one of the greatest poems McCluskey has ever written.  "It ranks up there with his poems with Ode to a Chinese Vase, the Pop Song of G Prufrock Alfred, The Cool Swans of the Wild, The Wastebasket, To the Bar Girls to Come to My Apartment, Tai Hu Beach, Kubla Gorzo, and The Panzer." said Wuxi Expat blogger Andrew Cowlinch.

Wuxi Expats Celebrate Remembrance Day

Ask a Wuxi Expat #5: Blogger Andrew Cowlinch

Wuxi China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch, a.k.a. Wussie Andrew, a Canadian, has lived in the Wuxi China Expatdom for eight years.  Recruited to the WCE by the then King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, Cowlinch became the soon-to-be-ex-King's biggest critic.  Cowlinch started a blog, Andrew Cowlinch in China Near a Lake Called Tai (ACICNALCT) and his first entries were said to be instrumental in the Caramel Revolution that resulted in the fleeing of the Ayatollah from the Wuxi China Expatdom and the subsequent ascension to the throne of the Great Conservative and Libertarian, King Gorzo the Mighty.

The WCE Blog interviewed Cowlinch in his Hui Shan apartment where his attention was diverted by demands from his wife Wilma that he sweep the floor and his son Bam Bam that he set up their toy train track.  Taking the demands in good stride, Cowlinch looked relaxed in his Canada sweat pants and Ronald Reagan Sweat Shirt, and provided the WCE Blog with his no-holds barred view of things.

WCE:  All our readers, of course, want to know about your relationship with the Ayatollah of Mordor.  Were you two ever lovers?  What caused you to turn so harshly on the Ayatollah, who many say was your greatest benefactor?

AC:  We were never lovers or anything like that.  To paraphrase the Ayatollah, I am not gay.  Of course, the Ayatollah had this need to always tell people he wasn't, so I wondered...  I suspect that the Ayatollah was a homophobic homosexual -- a contradiction in terms.  Anyway, I turned on the Ayatollah when I saw he was an evil mixture of Stalin, Hitler, Trudeau and Castro deliberately put in the body of one Dom Delusie.  And then there were his crimes against good tastes and morals -- he liked the most horrible movies.  This wouldn't have been a bad thing -- it would have been a thing that people would just disapprove of if the Ayatollah hadn't insisted on capturing innocent Wuxi Expats and Clockwork-Orange-style made them watch the films with him.  He liked to borrow things from you and then return them in such a state that you would suspect that he had rubbed his body with them -- again this would have been thing worthy of merely disapproval if it hadn't been for the fact that he was doing this with books and my back scratcher -- I had this funny feeling that he was sticking them into his... ah... whatever.... I think you get the idea.  Then there was his taste in clothes:  Tartans and pinks and bright yellows that became instantly and permanently grungy.  Yuck!!!  But to sum up, it became apparent to me that the Ayatollah was illiberal and authoritarian in his political beliefs -- so bad he had become that he was saying that Obama was a good President.  He was seeking to make the Wuxi China Expatdom a Castroic-Stalinistic hellhole.  He had to be stopped!  And no amount of chocolate cake and chocolate-covered caramel balls was going to stop me from this goal.  I started the ACICNALCT blog, and the rest, as they say, was history.

WCE:  Was it easy to start the blog?

AC:  Easy Smeasy.  It was so easy!  The hard thing was to get readers.

WCE:  How many do you have now?  

AC:  I may have ten readers or so at any one time.  I gain some and lose some.  Of course, I lose a lot of local readers because of the Great Firewall of China.

WCE:  How have you been able to get around that?

AC:  I have my ways, but I have wasted lots of time trying to get to my actual blog sites.  Most of the time I email entries to my blog sites to get them published.

WCE:  Do you get much feedback from your readers?

AC:  Not much as I would like, but I do have a few readers who have been nice to me.  One man from Michigan has been sweet.  And there is this reader I have in Brisbane, Australia.  Most erudite fellow!  I don't know why he lowers himself to send me emails!  I do lose readers because I am a strong proponent of human decency, market forces and human liberty.  I have also had some readers hate the way I raise my child.

WCE:  What is your philosophy of raising children?

AC:  You should be never ashamed or embarrassed that you have children.

WCE:  Why do you say that?

AC:  I never realized till I returned to Canada how much China is a place that likes children.  The locals tolerate children and accept the fact that when they go in public that there will be children.

WCE:  Back to the Ayatollah. You are well aware that he is currently in detention in Gitmo Two awaiting trial for his many crimes.  Have you talked him since he fled the Expatdom in disgrace?

AC:  No, I haven't.

WCE:  Any wishes you have.

AC:  I wish he would confess to his crimes and then submit to the punishment he deserves.

WCE:  It is said that you yearn for the Ayatollah like a lost long love.

AC:  Oh!  Horse Hockey!

WCE:  Let's talk about the now in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

AC:  Okay.  

WCE:  Many Wuxi Expats say you are overly critical of them.  One would think by reading your blog that every Expat in Wuxi, except you, is either a pervert or a lazy English teacher or both...

AC:  Well, it is true mostly.  I am sure that are a few Expats who are here for good reasons, out of a sense of genuine human decency, but I haven't meet them.  Let's face it by being here, we are dealing with the devil -- the party.  And think of it... The regime, since the adoption of one child policy, has killed more innocents than their great chairman ever did.  I mean, if that doesn't cause people to pause and feel ashamed of themselves, I don't know what would.

WCE:  Then why are you here?

AC:  China is my in-law, an evil in-law.  It is like I have married into the Manson Family and have to live with it.

WCE:  Well, what about your wife?

AC:  My wife?  Oh God!  She is the light of my life!  The tiger-light but the light nonetheless!

WCE:  What advice do you have to does who are married to Chinese women or are thinking of marrying Chinese women?

AC:  To the latter, I say don't do it, unless you believe in traditional marriage and have all the superior personal traits that people of the conservative persuasion almost always have.  To the former, I say obey and don't take all the criticism you get personal.

WCE:  Do you want to tell us about your son?

AC:  No!  But I do want to put in a plug for the blog I do about him called Bam Bam in China.

WCE:  You say you are a something of a Misanthrope.  Do you have any friends in Wuxi?

AC: Not really.

WCE:  Why do you think that is?

AC:  I am unsociable.  I am a bit of an asshole.  I live in a suburb which is a hour's bus ride from any pub.  But even if I was close to a pub I wouldn't buy anyone any drinks.

WCE:  Are there any Expats you admire?

AC:  Obviously, I love Archduke Harry Moore, five of the six members of the Wuxi China Expatdom Joint Chiefs of Staff, His Majesty and Her Majesty, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, Prime Minister Mango, and the Chief Fireman of the Wuxi China Expatdom:   Marcus Linius Crassus.

WCE:  Have you ever meet them?

AC:  It is my dream.  I did set my eyes on the Archduke Harry Moore once.  But a million people stood between me and him, so there was no way I was going to meet him and talk. But from a distance, I could not helped but be impressed by his presence.  Some people are so great that your goal becomes not to be great like them, but to be in their close proximity and soak in their charisma -- the Archduke is the first person I have ever seen in person who has this quality.  And I have one hundred copies of the Poolside Harry Moore....

WCE:  Who do you think should be the most despised Wuxi Expat?

AC:  Oh God!  What a question!  If there was every such a competition to decide such a question, it would have to be run by the people who organize special Olympics or don't keep score at children's soccer games -- there would be just so many winners or no losers.  Better yet, everyone in the competition would be the last place loser!  Anyway, I have a long list.  The first that comes to mind is Duston Short but unfortunately there are so many others like him -- not many have his troll like qualities but they do share his troubled soul.

WCE:  Speaking of souls, are you religious?

AC:  Yes!  I hope one day to become Catholic.

WCE:  The crazy corrupt Catholic Church?

AC:  Any organization that knows it is corrupt and not perfect, while continually striving to be is  an organization that I would be proud to be a part of.  It also appeals to my desire to be able to step back from the world and be a fly on the wall.

WCE:  Is it easy for you to be a fly on the wall?  It has been said that you haven't taken part in Wuxi China Expatdom society life since you got married and became a father.

AC:  Once you realize that all men are fallen creatures, you don't really need to keep abreast of what goes on in the pubs and the English schools of the Wuxi Expatdom.  All one has to do is overhear something here and there, and the fact of man's fall is once again proven beyond a doubt.

WCE:  What are your plans for the future?

AC:  I don't know.

WCE:  Any plans to rejoin Wuxi Expat Society?

AC:  Goodness no!

WCE:  Three words to describe the Wuxi China Expatdom?

AC:  Dazzling, Daunting and Delicious.  Can I say something in latin like my hero Archduke Harry Moore?

WCE:  Sure!

AC:  Victoria Concordia Crescit which translated means victory through harmony.

WCE:  Thanks for your time Andrew!

AC:  You are most welcome.  Oh!  Can I let my son say something?

WCE:  Sure.

Bam Bam:  I want Toby Train!

Ask a Wuxi Expat #4: The Ayatollah of Mordor

Former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor now awaits trial for his crimes against humanity and good taste at the Guantanamo Two Prison Facility on Canada's Hans Island.

The Ayatollah of Mordor, a former resident of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada has not once shown any remorse for his many crimes.

In his interview with the WCE Blog, the former King of Wuxi was defiant and somewhat demonic, as he sat, dressed in a kilt and a long feathery boa, in his bare cell in Gitmo Two.

WCE:  How do you feel about being in prison?

AM:  We're all our own prisons, we are each all our own wardens and we do our own time. I can't judge anyone else. What other people do is not really my affair unless they approach me with it. Prison's in your mind. Can't you see I'm free?

WCE:  How do you feel about the U.S. election results.

AM:  Wonderful!  Simply wonderful!  It is nice to see a clean articulate black man get a break.  Of course, it is all ties in with my Helter-Skelter plan to take over the world!

WCE:  Helter Skelter plan?

AM:  Yes. America goes in the tank and I can establish a sultan-ship in the Wuxi China Expatdom!

WCE:  Sounds diabolical!

AM:  It is.  Ha ha ha!  But I have always been a peace, order, and good government sort of guy.

WCE: Interesting.  So you pine to return to the throne in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  It must feel bad to have lost all the power you possessed?

AM:  It doesn't matter.  We use the word God. God hooks all the other words up. I'm the pope. I'm ten times the pope. I'm sixty times the pope. But I'm the pope in the hills and in the mountains, even here.

WCE:  Any regrets about your time as the King of Wuxi?

AM: Maybe I should have eaten four, five thousand Rowntree Crispy Crunch Chocolate Bars. Then I would have felt better. Then I would have felt like I really offered society something. 

WCE:  How do you see yourself now?

AM:  Look down at me and you see a fool; look up at me and you see a god; look straight at me and you see yourself.

WCE:  How do you see the world?

AM:  You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.

WCE:  Any advice for people thinking of moving to the Wuxi China Expatdom?

AM:  Stay away from the blogger Andrew Cowlinch -- he will stab you in the back.

WCE:  What would be the first thing you'd do if you ever got out of prison?

AM:  Get that Andrew Cowlinch!!

Ask a Wuxi Expat #3: Wuxi English Teacher Duston Short

Duston Short, has been  described as the English Teacher who gives all other English Teachers in Wuxi a bad name because of his notorious tardiness and laziness. These traits combined with his Jabba the Hut like physique and facial features have earned him the contempt of many -- one blogger described him as human garbage.  

Short's defenders say that he is a victim and thus should be cut some slack.

The WCE Blog took the time to interview Duston Short at a McDonald's Restaurant near the latest school to have hired him.

In a relaxed mood, wearing shorts and dressed in his signature Batman t-shirt,  Short was working his way through the twenty cheeseburgers he had ordered.

WCE Blog:  What time do you start work today?

DS:  Oh!  I doesn't know!  Maybe, one o'clock I are supposed to start.  [It is one twenty on the interviewer's watch]  But it doesn't matter if me am a little later.  Eating cheeseburgers very important!

  

WCE Blog:  Why is it that you can't hold a job for more than a few months at any of the schools you have taught?

DS:  It's not fair.  Me have a uncle who are always dying so you think people would be is nice to I!

WCE Blog:  How many schools have you worked at?

DS:  I doesn't know.  Maybe 25.

WCE Blog:  Is it true that you were late for class one day and so you eat cheeseburgers in class?

DS:  Which me supposed to do?  Me was late and has had much burgers to eating.

WCE Blog:  Why are you in Wuxi?

DS:  Me wants the Wuxi people to learns Western Party how to's.

WCE Blog:  Why do you teach English?

DS:  Me doesn't really. Me goes there to the school for just talking.  What Me knows about English?  Me gaves them a fake diploma anyhow.  And plus Me needs the Visa.

WCE Blog:  What do you like to do in your free time?

DS:  Oh!  Question good!  Reads comic books and plays X-Box games.

WCE Blog:  What is the difference between the Passive and Active voice?

DS:  Known by I it is not.

WCE Blog:  What is verb-subject agreement?

DS:  Me doesn't knows what that are.  

WCE Blog:  When to use the infinitive or the gerund?

DS:  Me wants to learning how doing this.

WCE Blog:  A lot of other Wuxi Expats think you are a joke.  What do you say to this?

DS:  I doesn't know.  Me think only Wally Droop don't liked me.

WCE Blog:  What three words would you use to describe Wuxi.

DS:  I doesn't know.  Give I time for to think.  [ten minutes passes]  What was the question?

WCE Blog:  What advice do you have for English Teachers coming to Wuxi?

DS:  Don't be with Andrew Cowlinch.

WCE Blog:  Andrew Cowlinch?

DS:  On Internet, he say me large fat and lazy.  Not nice.  I told him I call a lawyer.  Why do people yell at me!  Wah!!!!!

WCE Blog:  Thank you for your time.

DS:  Oh kay!

Ask a Wuxi Expat #2 : Wally Droop

Wally Droop owner of the Chestnut, Walnut, and Pink Kitty Pubs has become a figure of great prominence in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  

His success as a businessman has earned him a position in the Wuxi China Expatdom Cabinet where he is the Minister of the Liquor Cabinet, and a seat on the Wuxi China Expatdom Defense Council where pub owners form the sixth branch of the WCE military along with its army, air force, navy, marine corp, and buffet reconnaissance force.

He is a familiar sight to even the tee-totaling Wuxi Expat who doesn't frequent Pubs and Clubs.  Droop's flamboyant style of dressing, incorporating such diverse influences as Dame Edna, early 1970s Elton John, David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust phase, Louis XIV during his Sun King phase, and comedienne Phyllis Diller make him a hard sight not to notice when he walks down the streets of the Wuxi China Expatdom. 

The WCE Blog talked to Droop one afternoon at Droop's pub in the Nanchang Jie Bar Street:  The Pink Kitty.  The PK, as the locals call it, is Droop's contribution to the WCE's thriving alternative counter-culture. Droop; despite being dressed in a pink powder wig, strapless orange night gown, yellow knee-high stockings, and eight inch high teal blue platform boots; strode his pub with the authority of a Sergeant Major and his workers were clearly intimidated.

Droop, a no-nonsense man who claims to not be one to tolerate fools gladly, answered the WCE Blog's interviewer's questions with short, terse, and concise answers:

WCE:  How was that you came to the Wuxi China Expatdom?

WD: After failing to start pubs in Moldavia, Serbia, Albania, Belarus, Northern Saskatchewan, and Chad -- I decided China was the land of opportunity.  A friend of mine: Fred Minkleman brought me out here, and for a while he and I were partners, gay as can be, striding and traipsing the streets of Wuxi, all the while hugging the locals.

WCE: Can you tell me about the role of the Pub Owner in the Wuxi China Expatdom?  Why do they have such high status?  You would never see, for instance, a pub owner in the Canadian Cabinet or on the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the USA.

WD: Pub Owners were the original pioneers of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Unlike places that needed to be settled from scratch like Canada and Australia, way back when, the Wuxi China Expatdom was blessed with the infrastructure of thousands of years of Chinese civilization.  As soon as there were pubs in Wuxi, the Wuxi China Expatdom was fully established.  So unlike other places were needed the military or train builders to get going, the WCE was set up by Pub Owners.

WCE: How do you keep your legs looking so good?  

WD: I don't own a car.  I don't take buses.  If the distance to a place is less than 10 km, I walk there.

WCE: Why you insist on fondling your male customers?  Are you a sort who has....ah.....unnatural thingie-wingies?

WD: I don't insist on this.  My customers do.  My sexual habits, if I wasn't a pub owner, would be like those of Archduke Harry Moore or Pope Benedict XVI.

WCE: You and Fred Minkleman had a falling out.  Could you tell us your side of the story?

WD: We had irreconcilable artistic differences that come from the fact that I was an ardent Nudist and he was an ardent Naturist.  This all came out in the open when we had a vehement disagreement on the style of wood paneling we were to use for the entrance door to a cafe we were trying to set up.

WCE: They say you mistreat your employees.  Is this true?  

WD: Who told you that?  Do you have their names?

WCE: What is your favorite book?  

WD: I don't read.

WCE:  Is it true you resent not having been asked to be part of the Shenzhan Six Mission to Mars?

WD:  His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty has promised me that I will be the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Mission to Uranus.  So, I have gotten over it.

WCE:  What advice do you have to those who want to live in the Wuxi China Expatdom?  

WD:  Stay away from the blogger Wussie Andrew.

WCE:  What is the WCE accomplishment that you are most proud of?  

WD:  As a devotee of all things counter-culture, I can't be prouder of the night when the patrons counted to 1,345 before falling on the floor drunk.  Gambay's patrons, I understand, once counted to 969!

WCE:  Which Nationalities do you hate the most?  

WD: I hate the Americans and the Brits and the French and the Canadians and....   How about asking me what nationalities I like?..... Actually, don't ask me!

WCE:  They say you don't like Chinese things.  So why are you here?  

WD:  Who said that?  Do you have their names?  Anyway, nothing could be further from the truth.  I love the Chinese.  I love to hug them and pat them on the head.  Some of my best friends are Chinese, I'll have you know.  Of course, I don't like any of their food or their driving.

WCE:  Thanks for you time.

WD:  No worries.

Scrambled Eggs at Wuxi Expat Pub to Be Made With Eggs Laid by Raiffeisen Free Range Chickens

A contractual agreement between  Albania's Raiffeisen Free Range Chickens and Kosovo's Breakfast Now Wow – producer of breakfast meals for Gambay's Pub in the Shanghai China Expatdom, will now have the breakfast in the Wuxi Gambay's Pub and the Pink Kitty Pub prepared with eggs laid by Raiffeisen Free Range Chickens.

The announcement of the contractual agreement was made at a press conference held at Harry Moore Memorial Square #3. The 70,000 seat Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in the 1912 Bar District, the normal site of Wuxi China Expatdom press conferences, was too small to accommodate all the media members interested in hearing about the agreement.

Frank Minklemen, co-owner of the Gambay's Pub told  ten million members of the media that he looked forward to, what should prove to be, a long-term lucrative relationship with the Raiffeisen Free Range Chickens company. "When I was Tirana, I went to a McDonald's and was really impressed with the quality of the eggs in the Big Breakfast. When I later had a broiled shark steak egg breakfast burger at the Nanjing Road Gambay's in Shanghai, I had a similar sensational feeling about the eggs. I decided to conduct an investigation and discovered in both cases that Raiffeisen was the provider of the eggs!"

Dressed in a provocative pair of almost-knee high stockings that displayed his thighs to perfection as well as a tight sleeveless orange t-shirt with fake foo-foo flowers on the shoulders, Pink Kitty owner Wally Droop said that whatever Minklemen said he agreed with and that he used eggs laid by Razzle Dazzle Rinky Dinky Roaming Range Chickens anytime he was in the mood for scrambled eggs

Faruk Raiffeisen,  when asked if he took offence to Droop's mispronunciation of his product's name, said that Droop was Australian or possibly from Ontario, Canada, and so allowances had to be made.

Slovo Hardinaj , of  Kosovo's Breakfast Now Breakfast Wow, told the assembled crowd that he loved dealing with the Wuxi Expats. "It is much better than dealing with the neighbors we got!" said the Kosovan Businessman. Hardinaj also trumpeted his relationship with Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore. "My good and esteemed friend Harry agreed, for a pittance, to provide the commentary track for the Kosovan DVD edition of Lawrence of Arabia. Not knowing any Albanian before doing the project, Harry gained fluency in the language in a week, and thus did the commentary using the most elegant and idiomatic Albanian imaginable!  Listening to the commentary track, many Kosovans had thought that the legendary Kosovan Poet Gjon Buzuku had come back from the dead!

Wuxi Sexpat Feminist Alliance Fires Court Jester

Jimmy "Smartypants" Steyn Coulter Malkin's stint as the official court jester of the Sexpat Feminist Alliance Party of the Wuxi China Expatdom has come to an end, only a week after it had began.

Malkin, who had just been appointed the SFAPWCE's Court Jester just last week said he was forced to resign because of what he termed "irreconcilable artistic differences" as well as what he said was "an inability on the part of the Sexpats and the Feminists to take a joke!"

"I was warned that the Sexpats and Feminists had chips on their shoulders but I thought these warnings were overblown!" said Malkin to the WCE Blog.  "Now, I know better!  The SFAPWCE only wanted me to make jokes about nuns and priests, but I told them that it was not keeping with the Jester's duty to speak the truth to the powers that pay them!  I am an independent contacting Jester professional who is not in the pay of Rome!"

Asked what he had specifically done to cause the Sexpats and Feminists to want to fire him, Malkin had a long list:

"The Feminist co-leader of the SFAPWCE didn't like it when I make pig and elephant noises whenever I was in her presence."

"My suggestion that Feminists should be against environmental levies on paper bags was savagely booed.  Either that or they didn't approve the subtle point I was trying to make!"

"The Feminist co-leader's assistant didn't like it when I started talking to her in a deep butchy voice!"

"The Feminists also didn't appreciate my jokes about carrots, turnips, dildos, and bicycle seats."

"The Sexpat co-leader of the SFAPWCE didn't like it when I offered him a soother, some Barbie dolls, a rattle, and a sex manual to give to his new girlfriend!  He then went overboard when I gave him a sex manual as well, telling him that what she didn't know, he had probably forgotten due to his alzheimer's!"

"The Sexpat second in command didn't like it all my Viagra and Alzheimer's jokes!  And I made hundreds of them!"

"The Sexpats also didn't like it when I insinuated that some of them slept with Feminists.  Heck!  The Feminists didn't like that one either!"

Malkin hopes that the English school he was working at will rehire him.  "I love it in the WCE!  I don't want to leave!" insisted the former Jester.