Gun Toting Frenchman Wants to Become a Wuxi Expat

Frenchman Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier wants to become a Wuxi Expat. He explained why in an exclusive and free-wheeling interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch. [The interview was conducted at the 89^th floor WCE Blog offices in building #87 of the Harry Moore Skytowers Complex in Wuxi's Binghu District. Cowlinch was dressed casually in jeans and a Sarah Palin for President t-shirt. Chevalier was dressed rather dapperly, wearing spats, a silk suit made exclusively for him by tailors in the Houxixi fabric market, a light blue dress shirt with alternating fleur-de-lys and Colt 45 gun patterns, and a red, white, and blue Adam Smith & Claude Frédéric Bastiat silk tie. On his left hip, Chevalier had a Colt Single-Action Army Revolver holstered; on his right, a .38 Special Police Revolver. On his back were slung a Winchester 1873 Rifle and an M1 Garand.]

Cowlinch: Thank you for allowing us to interview you, Mister Chevalier.

Chevalier: Ah! No need to call me Monsieur Chevalier. You know, I have been reading your blog for the longest time. I feel like we are bon amis. You can call me Boom Boom.

Cowlinch: Oh. Mercy buckets.

Chevalier: No problem. [Chevalier lights two Gauloises with a lighter that is shaped like a Thompson Machine Gun. He hands one cigarette to Cowlinch. They both take long drags.] Now, you can shot me with your questions.

Cowlinch: I will ask the most obvious one. Why do you want to become a Wuxi Expat?

Chevalier: I am sure you know what Pascal said. Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. But in my case, wanting to become a Wuxi Expat is a desire of my heart and my reason. Who cannot help but love the Wuxi China Expatdom natural beauty. The towering mountains of Hui Range! The sand dunes of Meicun! The rain forests of Yixing! The majestic waves, great for surfing, of Tai Lake which has an area of Vingt mille lieues! The mighty peach trees of Yang Shan! And Oh la la! The exotic and voluptuous beauty of the local woman! Does your wife Jenny have a twin sister?

Cowlinch: Afraid not. Boom Boom.

Chevalier: Quelle Domage! Anyways! I have a listed the reasons of the heart for wanting to become a Wuxi Expat. Now I will try to list les raisons de mon raison. Ah, let me count the reason. Un! Your King Gorzo the Mighty. He is a true Roi-Soleil. Deux! l'année de l'arme à feu or la firearm! Trois! Your Admiral Lloyd Bridges! Un véritable homme de mer! Quarte! Your Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan! Cinq! Gambay's! La meilleure pub et un café à Wuxi. I hope you don't mind my speaking the French! I get emotional when I talk about Wuxi. I slip into talking ma langue maternelle!

Cowlinch: No problem. Boom Boom. True Wuxi Expats, that is the one who read my blog, are very literate. They have no problem understanding your French.

Chevalier: So kind of you. You would like to try a Gitanes!

Cowlinch: Sure! J'aime fumer des cigarettes d'autres personnes!

Chevalier: Oh! So you can speak a little French! [Chevalier lights two cigarettes using the flintlock from his Versailles Dueling Pistol, and hands one to Cowlinch.]

Cowlinch: I spent the majority of my primary school days in the province of Quebec.

Chevalier: That makes it even more amazing. Do you want to continue the interview completely in Francais.

Cowlinch: Sorry. We can't. We have readers who haven't forgiven your countrymen for liking Jerry Lewis and so refuse to learn French.

Chevalier: Touchez. That is true. You want to hear more of mes raisons de ma raison?

Cowlinch: I would like to, but I am afraid we only have an hour. Jenny needs me to do some shopping soon. Could you tell me what you think of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

Chevalier: ARCHDUKE SIR HARRY MOORE! Quelle fantastique, viril, élégant, beau, intelligent, articulé, humain et les honnêtes gens! [From his holsters, Chevalier pulls out his Colt Single-Action Army Revolver and his .38 Special Police Revolver, expending all the rounds into the air. He then reloads his two pistols to continue his frenzy of celebratory gunfire. Fortunately, the office ceilings have been designed to withstand celebratory gun fire. Suddenly, an elevator doors opens and into the office, rides Ambrose “Tex” McCoy on his mare Jezebelle.]

McCoy: Is this a gun fight or is that my good old French buddy Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier getting excited at the mention of Archduke Sir Harry Moore?

Chevalier: Eh bien, si ce n'est pas mon temps Texas ami Tex McCoy! Comment faites-vous mon bon vieux copain?

McCoy: Je fais fort belle. Et vous Français?

Chevalier: Absolument merveilleux. Il est si bon de te voir. [Chevalier pulls off the rifles he has slung on his back and hands one to McCoy. They proceed to engage in a frenzy of celebratory gunfire.]

Cowlinch: Hey Tex! I didn't know you could speak French.

McCoy: Well Doggies! Didn't I tell ya? I was born in Paris, Texas. Everyone speaks French and Texan there. That's why its call Paris, Texas. Haw. Haw.

Cowlinch: Tex! How did you and Boom Boom meet?

McCoy: How about I let Boom Boom tell the story. It is his interview after all. Just let me apologize for barging in on it.

Chevalier: Tex is a man of the most impeccable manners, and let me tell you Tex, you can never interrupt. When you come onto a scene, you bring le soliel avec vous!

McCoy: Oh schucks! Boom Boom, you are too kind. Tell him the story of how we meet.

Chevalier: Bien sûr. First. Would you two like to try some Seitaines?

Cowlinch and McCoy: They still make them?

Chevalier: I have my own private supply. [Chevalier pulls out three Seitaines and lights them with the flintlock of Ketland brass barrel smooth bore pistol. He then gives a cigarette each to McCoy and Cowlinch.]

Cowlinch: Would you like to try some Crown Royal Whiskey?

McCoy: Oooo eeeee! You know it a right special occasion when the normally parsimonious blogger Andrew Cowlinch is sharing his whiskey!

Cowlinch: Now, now, Ambrose. You are mixing me up with the Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher. ET Kaulins is the parsimonious one.

McCoy: Oh! Many pardons!

[Cowlinch distributes three big tumblers and fills them to the rim with Crown Royal.]

Cowlinch: A toast to His Majesty, the King of Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty!

Chevalier, McCoy, Cowlinch: To His Majesty, the King of Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty! [They clink their tumblers and down their whiskeys in a jiffy.] Aaahhhh!!

[The three tumblers are tossed in the air, and McCoy shots all three in quick succession with his Smith and Wesson. Cowlinch then distributes three more big tumblers and fills them to the rim with Crown Royal.]

Cowlinch: To Archduke Sir Harry Moore!

Chevalier, McCoy, Cowlinch: To Archduke Sir Harry Moore! [They clink their tumblers and down whiskeys in a jiffy.] Aaahhhh!!

Chevalier: Soon to be Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore, Emeritus. [They again toss their tumblers in the air, and this time, Chevalier, using his 38 Special, shots all three tumblers in mid-air.]

McCoy: Okay. Boom Boom! You tell Cowlinch how we meet up! I have to go. My wife Jing Jing has some chores for me. [McCoy jumps on his mare Jezebelle, gets her to stand on her hind legs while he lifts his cowboy hat off his head. He then kicks Jezzebelle and they leap out the office window.] Adios!!!!!

Cowlinch: Oh my. They just jumped out of a 89^th floor window.

Chevalier: No problemez!! Jezabelle has wings.

Cowlinch: Phew! Can you tell me how you meet Tex?

Chevalier: I met Tex in Paris, Texas when I was recruiting for the French Foreign Legion. We required fluent French speakers with a passion for firearms and let me tell you, Tex filled the bill. We were so impressed with him, that we immediately made him a Marshall and we gave him his own regiment: Les Premières Archiduc Sir Harry Moore Elite Grenadiers. When we discovered that Tex also spoke fluent Mandarin and Cantonese, we then gave him his own division: La Première Division blindée Elite Bardot Briggette. Together, Marshall McCoy, I, the then Eight Star General Gorzo the Mighty, and the then General Sir Harry Moore played key roles in commanding the guerrilla forces that succeeded in toppling the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi.

Cowlinch: That is quite a story. It fills my heart with Wuxi Expat patriotism. Would you like to try a Export “A” Green Pack cigarette?

Chevalier: Avec plaisir. The Export “A” Green Pack is what I smoke when I am in le Belle Province.

Cowlinch: You mean Quebec.

Chevalier: Well I don't mean Ontario. [Chevalier has a five minute chortle.]

Cowlinch: Now can you tell me when.... [Cowlinch hesitates]

Chevalier: When....

Cowlinch: Ah... when you first meet...

Chevalier: My wife Gabrielle Bardot De Gualle..

Cowlinch: No! When you meet...

Chevalier: you mean?

Cowlinch: Yes! The Archduke Sir Harry Moore!!!

Chevalier: ARCHDUKE SIR HARRY MOORE! Merveilleux, impressionnant, spectaculaire, grand, redoutable, comme un dieu, fantastique, spectaculaire, élégant! Quelle fantastique, viril, élégant, beau, intelligent, articulé, humain et les honnêtes gens! [From his holsters, Chevalier pulls out his Colt Single-Action Army Revolver and his .38 Special Police Revolver, expending all the rounds into the air. He then reloads his two pistols to continue his frenzy of celebratory gunfire. Fortunately, the office ceilings have been designed go withstand celebratory gun fire. Suddenly, elevator doors open and into the office, floats His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty.]

Gorzo: Is this a gun fight or is that my good old comrade in arms Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier getting excited at the mention of Archduke Sir Harry Moore? [The sight of His Majesty causes Cowlinch and Chevalier to fall to the ground and kow tow.]

Cowlinch: I am not worthy, Your Majesty!

Chevalier: Je ne suis pas digne de votre majesté!

Gorzo: Oh fellows! Stop that! I just wanted to make sure everybody was safe!

Cowlinch: Thank you, Your Majesty!

Chevalier: Merci Beaucoup, votre majeste!

Gorzo: Don't forget the accent on majesté!

Chevalier: I am amazed that you caught that.

Gorzo: Anyway, glad to see everything is safe around. Queen Ayira wants me to hang the laundry she has just washed. Maybe, I see you fellows at Gambay's tonight.

Chevalier and Cowlinch: If our wives let us! [Gorzo floats out of the office. Chevalier and Cowlinch return to their feet.] Thank you. Your Majesty!

Cowlinch: Now. Where were we? Let's talk about you-know-who.

Chevalier: I first saw the Archduke in Paris. At the foot of the Eiffel tower, he was delivering one of his award-winning lectures on the movies involving the French foreign legion. At the end of the lecture, all of us in the audience threw our berets in the air, and for the first time in the history of France, we formed a conga line, and before you could say Black Jack Shellack, the line stretched from Montremarte to the Palace at Versailles. Since that day, there has been a movement afoot to change the French National Day from Bastille Day to Archduke Sir Harry Moore Film Lecture Day. Anyway, it was my great fortune to meet Harry after the lecture. Strangely, he was worried that about the enthusiasm that we French people had for him. He was worried that the French attraction to him was like that they felt for Jerry Lewis. I assured him that it wasn't and that his appeal was universal. He then gave me the great opportunity to organize his lectures in Albania, Madagascar, and Amarillo, Texas. They were so well received that the he never again compared himself to Jerry Lewis. And it was at Amarillo, that Tex McCoy first laid eyes on the Archduke. It was also there that I adopted the healthy and pleasant habit of firing my weapons in the air at the mention of the Archduke's name.

Cowlinch: What a wonderful story. Would you like to have another cigarette?

Chevalier: What brand?

Cowlinch: DuMaurier Special Lights?

Chevalier: How about something stronger.

Cowlinch: Camels unfiltered?

Chevalier: Now, you are talking. [Cowlinch lights the two Camels using a zippo lighter with the shape of a 44 magnum as used by Clint Eastwood.]

Cowlinch: It it true that you and you-know-who were in the French Foreign Legion.

Chevalier: Yes we were. For a brief time, during the dark years of the reign of the former King of Wuxi, and when the Archduke was in the midst of a lover's tiff with the future Mrs. Miss Moneypenny. The Archduke was a crack shot and an excellent motivator of men. His knowledge of ten Albanian dialects made him the commander of le premier régiment Albanais. The Archduke was honorably discharged from the legion with the rank of Marshall and awarded Le Legion D'honneur 

Cowlinch: My God. Is there nothing that the Archduke can't do.

Chevalier: Nothing.

[There is a knock on the door.]

Cowlinch: Who is it?

[Archduke Sir Harry Moore enters the room wearing dancing shoes and a French Foreign Legion uniform.]

Moore: It is I.

Chevalier: Comment êtes-vous mon ami?

Moore: Très bon. I am in a mood for a song. [In walks an orchestra conducted by Nelson Riddle.] Hit her! Boys! [The band begins playing the French Foreign Legion song made popular by Frank Sinatra, music by Guy Wood, lyrics by Aaron Schroeder.] Join in, Boom Boom?

Chevalier: But, of course.

Moore and Chevalier [Singing and Tap Dancing]:

If you turn me down once more, I'll join the French Foreign Legion
Bet you, they would welcome me with open arms

First you love me, yes, then you love me, no
I don't know where I stand

Do we march together down the isle
Or do I march that desert sand?

If you think I won't find romance in the French Foreign Legion
Think about that uniform with all its charm

Just one more time, are you gonna be mine or au revoir cheri
It's the French Foreign Legion for me

Now, if you think I won't find romance in the French Foreign Legion
Think about that uniform with all its charm

Just one more time, are you gonna be mine or au revoir cheri
It's the French Foreign Legion for me!

Cowlinch: On that note, I will end the interview. Thanks Boom Boom. Thanks Harry.