A WCE Exclusive! Wuxi Expat Blogger Andrew Cowlinch Interviews Elite Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins.

Wuxi China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch recently interviewed the reclusive Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins. The interview was conducted at Kaulins's secluded forty story villa on the shores of Lake Taihu.

AC: I want to thank Andis for allowing me an interview.

AK: That Mister Kaulins to you! How come you didn't kow-tow?

AC: I'm sorry... Mister Kaulins. [Cowlinch prostrates himself in a pool of mud for twenty minutes before AK permits him to arise and ask another question.]

AK: Ha Ha. I was playing a trick on you.

AC: Oh.

AK: Anyway. Come on. Ask me your questions.

AC: Why do you have a trampoline in this room?

AK: Wait for it. All will be revealed.

AC: Ah......

AK: [Kaulins taps his forehead in the posture of one having a sudden recollection.] Oh! Oh! Oh! One thing! You don't mind if I have Nielson Riddle and his Orchestra accompany me in some of my answers? My friend Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus is out of town today, and he said that Nielson and his band, who performed with Frank Sinatra on most of his greatest albums, could accompany me during the day. [In the distance, the sound of celebratory gunfire can be heard in response to the mentioning aloud of SASHME's name.]

AC: Sure... First, I would like you to help unconfuse me and the readers about which Andis Kaulins you are. I have heard that there are two or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom. One of them maybe teaches English, one of them writes a blog, one of them is an elite expat, and one of the three is very unpopular with the other Wuxi Expats. Which Andis Kaulins are you?

AK: You know I get confused myself. But I will tell you what I know and what I know to be true. I came to Wuxi to work as a consultant to a Trappist Monastery that was being set up in the Meicun District. Shortly after, I was made the president of the Wuxi Elite Expat Association, and I still serve in that capacity, presiding over the WEEA congress. I didn't seek the position, and in fact, my Catholic religion is more important to me, but I am often called the Andis Kaulins who is the elite expat. Really, I would like to be thought of as the Trappist Monk Andis Kaulins, but the label elite has been so often applied to me that I don't wish to put anyone out by changing it to Trappist. This is what now I do: I work as a Trappist Monk from Monday to Friday, nine to five, and on the weekends, I like to tend the gardens here at my Villa as well as do maintenance on the forty storey building I got here. I don't much mix with other Wuxi Expats, like say the Wuxi Sexpats or the Andis Kaulins who they say is a blogger or the Andis Kaulins who they say is an English teacher. Now the Andis Kaulins who is a blogger at AKIC and the Andis Kaulins who teaches English may be the same person or could be two persons but I haven't meet him or them so I couldn't tell you for sure.

AC: Well. The answer does at least eliminate half of the confusion. I see I will have to track down the other Andis Kaulins or the other two Wuxi Expats named Andis Kaulins and try to settle the issue of whether there are two people named Andis Kaulins in the Wuxi China Expatdom or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Now what do you think of the other Andis Kaulins or the other people named Andis Kaulins?

AK: I really hope there is just one because I don't like saying Andis Kaulins's or two people named Andis Kaulins. It is very unpoetic and unlyrical and such a mouthful to say that I sometimes want to be a Trappist Monk on the weekends as well. Anyway, I have read the AKIC blog and I have to say it is full of vileness and bitterness. If I ever meet this AKIC blogger, I would punch him in the nose. He does like to spread a lot of innuendo about some of my acquaintances who are not as flawed as AKIC likes many to think them to be. As for the Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher, I have heard that, like me, he is something of a recluse. For this I can't blame him because if he is also the AKIC blogger, I and other Wuxi expats would do him physical harm. If he isn't the AKIC blogger, I can understand the shame he must feel for being an English teacher. The ET's I have seen in Wuxi are a pathetic looking lot.

AC: True. True. Can I bum a cigarette?

AK: Sorry. I don't smoke.

AC: What!?! Since when!

AK: You are mixing me up with the other(s) Andis Kaulins. How about a couple shots of Crown Royal Whiskey instead?

AC: I'd love it. [AK brings out a couple of glasses and pulls out an uncracked bottle of Crown from a purple bag.]

AK: How would you like your Crown?

AC: With ice and some cola. [Two Pamela Anderson impersonators come into the interview room. One carries a can of cola. The other carries a bucket of ice. AK takes the ice and cola from the girls.]

AK: Certainly. [AK prepares two glasses of Crown, and hands one to AC.}

AC & AK: [They down their drinks quickly.] Aaaahhhh!

AK: You know. In 1957, Frank Sinatra in a concert in Vancouver, Canada, said he loved Seagram's Crown Royal and that he would bathe in the stuff if he could.

AC: I never get tire of hearing that story.

AK: And I never tire of telling it. Anyway It puts me in a mood to sing a Sinatra standard. [AK snaps his fingers.] Hit it boys!!! [Nielson Riddle and band play the opening bars of the Lady is a Tramp.]

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She like the theatre and never comes late
She never bothers with people she hates
That's why the lady is a tramp

Doesn’t like crapgames with sexpats or atheists
Won't go to Meicun in ermine and pearls
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That’s why the lady is a tramp

She like the free fresh wind in her hair, life without care
She's broke and it's oke
Hates Suzhou, it's pretentious and it's damp
That's why the lady is a tramp

AK: Know the words?

AC: Of course.

AC & AK:

She gets too hungry to wait for dinner at eight
She loves the theatre, but never comes late
She'd never bother with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

She'll have no crapgames with sharpies and frogs
And she won't go to Ling Shan in Lincolns or Fords
And she won't dish the dirt with the rest of the broads
That's why the lady is a tramp

She loves the free fresh wind in her hair
Life without care. She's broke but it's oke
Hates Shanghai, it's so primitive and so damp
That's why the lady. that's why the lady
THAT'S WHY THE LADY IS A TRAMP!

[AC and AK take bow and then shake hands.]

AK: Do you want to bathe in some Crown Royal?

AC: Ah. Sure!

AK: Oke. [The two Pamela Anderson Impersonators (PAIs) come with a hundred bottles of Crown Royal which they pour into a bathtub.]

AC: Wow!

AK: Jump in girls! [To AC] The one with the red bikini bottom is mine. You can have the naked Pamela Anderson impersonator sit on your lap.

AC: Oke.

AK: Any more questions?

AC: I try to ask some. [AC finds it hard to concentrate with a naked Pamela Anderson impersonator sitting on his lap.] Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! How well do you know good old Saint Harry?

AK: Hit it boys! [Sings]

Harry Moore! Harry Moore!

He's a pal of mine!

A real intelligent schnook and raconteur!!!!!!

[Rifle fire can heard to be approaching the Kaulins villa.]

AC: Oh my God! What's that!

AK: That's my good buddy Juan Carlos Boom-Boom from Spain. He is a big fan of Saint Harry and a serious gun enthusiast. He has rented the 25^th to 35^th floors of my villa for the entire 2014 year of the Firearm in China. He likes to fire off celebratory gunfire at the mention of the name of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

AC: I must interview him!

AK: You will be able to talk to him in a second. He's about to come through the window.

JCBB: [Coming through the window, Boom-Boom, in a fit of ectasy, fires off his colt six shooter, ]¿Alguien dijo Harry Moore San Archiduque Harry Moore es el más magnífico, el más viril, el más inteligente, el más heroico, el más elegante, el más santo y el hombre más varonil en caminar sobre la surfact de gran tierra de Dios! Disparé mis armas y mis fusiles y bazucas y mis mis misiles en un ataque de éxtasis! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! ¡Sí! ¡Sí! ¡Gracias a Dios! ¡Gracias a Dios! Gracias Gorzo el Poderoso! Harry Moore es como un arma de fuego magneficent!

AK: ¿Cómo estás mi buen amigo!

JCBB: ¡Maravilloso!

AK: ¿Cómo es su bella esposa?

JCBB: Bueno. Ella le envía sus mejores deseos!

AK: Por favor, ver a mi amigo, el blogger Andrew Cowlinch

JCBB: How are you most esteemed sir! I read your blog all the time. I am a great fan! Thank you for standing up for gun rights!

AC: Thank you. Thank you.

JCBB: Please continue with your interview with mi amigo. I will admire the beauty of the young ladies you are bathing with.

AC: Okay. Andis, is you basic world view, optimistic or pessimistic?

AK: To quote David Warren: Of course, I am a pessimist in all worldly matters. We will run out of Crown Royal. These girls will spend their spare time with young men. It's why I’m always right. It is also why, unlike an optimist, I am able to remain reasonably cheerful; for even on a very bad day, I could always say, “I told you so.” It makes me think of a song. Hit it boys! [Nielson Riddle's orchestra begins to play the music of a famous Peggy Lee song.] Ladies and Gentlemen, you can join me in the chorus!

I remember when I was a very little boy, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my mother's face as she gathered me up
in her arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to the circus, the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And as I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle
I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful girl in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself,

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is!!!!!!!

[Boom-Boom, Cowlinch, and Kaulins fire off weapons. The girls jump for joy on a trampoline.]

AC: Let's get back to interviewing. How do you know Archduke Sir Harry Moore?

AK: He was a colleague of mine at a Trappist Monastery just outside of Melbourne. Of course, we didn't talk much. But then we got a chance to be extras on the film On the Beach, starring Fred Astaire, Gregory Peck, Anthony Hopkins, and Ava Gardner. Moore and Peck were great pals and they told me about this freedom fighter named Gorzo the Mighty who was fighting the Ayatollah of Mordor in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Gregory and Harry convinced me to become a pilot in the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force. The rest as they say is history...

AC: My god. That is quite the story.

AK: Sure is. You want a shot or two or three of Crown Royal?

AC: Make it three.

AK: How about you ladies?

PAIs: No. We have duties to perform.... Making you happy....

AK: Juan Carlos! ¿Qué tal si mi amigo? ¿Quieres un trago de whisky Crown Royal?

JCBB: Sí. En las rocas por favor.

AK: On the rocks it is. [With the help of the Pamela Anderson Impersonators, Kaulins prepares three drinks, and distributes them. All three lift their glasses to toast.]

AK, AC & JCBB: 干杯！(gambay!) [They down their drinks quickly. AC takes a little longer.] Aaahhh!! [The Pamela Anderson Impersonators gratuitously bounce on the trampoline.]

AC: How about another drink?

AK: Sure. I will have the same.

JCBB: Voy a tener el mismo también.

[AK prepares the drinks and distributes them. They raise their glasses.]

AK: Gentleman, I propose a toast! Señores, les propongo un brindis. To Blessed Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus on his birthday!!

AK, AC & JCBB: To Harry! [They down their drinks.] Ah!!!

[In the distance, celebratory gunfire can be heard on account of the mention of the Blessed Saint Archduke.]

AC: Do I hear a Frenchman?

JCBB: Sí. Se oyen un francés. Es nuestro amigo Dominique "Boom Boom" Chevalier! [Through the window which Juan Carlos Boom-Boom had entered, comes Dominque “Boom Boom” Chevalier. Chevalier is dressed Rambo Style with two belts of ammo strung cross his bare back and chest and camoflague clothing while wearing a Napoleon hat. In both his hands he totes smoking Smith and Wesson revolvers.]

DBBC: Saint archiduc Sir Harry Moore! Quel magnifique virilité! …. [Sees Juan Carlos Boom Boom] Hey! Español Boom Boom! ¿Cómo te va?

JCBB: Je fais bien et vous? [They shake hands.]

AK: Hey you two Booms Booms! Let's sing a song to honor Blessed Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore on his birthday!

AC, JCBB & DBBC: Okay!

AK: Here's a song that must be near and dear to Harry's heart. I can imagine that he and his darling wife the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny sing it at barbecues, when making love, and when ascending the 50,000 meter high summit of Hui Shan. [Hit it boys!]

AK, AC, JCBB & DBBC:

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,

Under the shade of a Coolibah tree,

And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil,

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,

And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Down came a jumbuck to drink at that billabong

Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee,

And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,

And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Up rode the squatter mounted on his thorough-bred

Down came the troopers One Two Three

Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me

Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker-bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

[AK does the following passage solo]

Up jumped the swagman sprang in to the billabong

You'll never catch me alive said he,

And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

[AK, AC, JCBB, & DBBC altogether, arm in arm sing the last verses.]

WALTZING MATILDA WALTZING MATILDA

You'll come a WALTZING MATILDA with me

And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong

YOU'LL COME A WALTZING MATILDA WITH ME.

[The four singers take a bow as the Pamela Anderson Impersonators jump up and down jollily on the trampolines.]

AC: Wow! The Pamela Anderson impersonators jumping during that song must be touching to Australians. It must make them think of Kangaroos. Anyway, I will end the interview here. Good to see you French Boom Boom! Let's make an appointment for an interview Spanish Boom Boom! And I will end by thanking today's guest, the erstwhile Elite Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins, who is not is be confused with the one or two other people with the Andis Kaulins who may live in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Pamela! I need a massage!

Gun Toting Frenchman Wants to Become a Wuxi Expat

Frenchman Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier wants to become a Wuxi Expat. He explained why in an exclusive and free-wheeling interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch. [The interview was conducted at the 89^th floor WCE Blog offices in building #87 of the Harry Moore Skytowers Complex in Wuxi's Binghu District. Cowlinch was dressed casually in jeans and a Sarah Palin for President t-shirt. Chevalier was dressed rather dapperly, wearing spats, a silk suit made exclusively for him by tailors in the Houxixi fabric market, a light blue dress shirt with alternating fleur-de-lys and Colt 45 gun patterns, and a red, white, and blue Adam Smith & Claude Frédéric Bastiat silk tie. On his left hip, Chevalier had a Colt Single-Action Army Revolver holstered; on his right, a .38 Special Police Revolver. On his back were slung a Winchester 1873 Rifle and an M1 Garand.]

Cowlinch: Thank you for allowing us to interview you, Mister Chevalier.

Chevalier: Ah! No need to call me Monsieur Chevalier. You know, I have been reading your blog for the longest time. I feel like we are bon amis. You can call me Boom Boom.

Cowlinch: Oh. Mercy buckets.

Chevalier: No problem. [Chevalier lights two Gauloises with a lighter that is shaped like a Thompson Machine Gun. He hands one cigarette to Cowlinch. They both take long drags.] Now, you can shot me with your questions.

Cowlinch: I will ask the most obvious one. Why do you want to become a Wuxi Expat?

Chevalier: I am sure you know what Pascal said. Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. But in my case, wanting to become a Wuxi Expat is a desire of my heart and my reason. Who cannot help but love the Wuxi China Expatdom natural beauty. The towering mountains of Hui Range! The sand dunes of Meicun! The rain forests of Yixing! The majestic waves, great for surfing, of Tai Lake which has an area of Vingt mille lieues! The mighty peach trees of Yang Shan! And Oh la la! The exotic and voluptuous beauty of the local woman! Does your wife Jenny have a twin sister?

Cowlinch: Afraid not. Boom Boom.

Chevalier: Quelle Domage! Anyways! I have a listed the reasons of the heart for wanting to become a Wuxi Expat. Now I will try to list les raisons de mon raison. Ah, let me count the reason. Un! Your King Gorzo the Mighty. He is a true Roi-Soleil. Deux! l'année de l'arme à feu or la firearm! Trois! Your Admiral Lloyd Bridges! Un véritable homme de mer! Quarte! Your Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan! Cinq! Gambay's! La meilleure pub et un café à Wuxi. I hope you don't mind my speaking the French! I get emotional when I talk about Wuxi. I slip into talking ma langue maternelle!

Cowlinch: No problem. Boom Boom. True Wuxi Expats, that is the one who read my blog, are very literate. They have no problem understanding your French.

Chevalier: So kind of you. You would like to try a Gitanes!

Cowlinch: Sure! J'aime fumer des cigarettes d'autres personnes!

Chevalier: Oh! So you can speak a little French! [Chevalier lights two cigarettes using the flintlock from his Versailles Dueling Pistol, and hands one to Cowlinch.]

Cowlinch: I spent the majority of my primary school days in the province of Quebec.

Chevalier: That makes it even more amazing. Do you want to continue the interview completely in Francais.

Cowlinch: Sorry. We can't. We have readers who haven't forgiven your countrymen for liking Jerry Lewis and so refuse to learn French.

Chevalier: Touchez. That is true. You want to hear more of mes raisons de ma raison?

Cowlinch: I would like to, but I am afraid we only have an hour. Jenny needs me to do some shopping soon. Could you tell me what you think of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

Chevalier: ARCHDUKE SIR HARRY MOORE! Quelle fantastique, viril, élégant, beau, intelligent, articulé, humain et les honnêtes gens! [From his holsters, Chevalier pulls out his Colt Single-Action Army Revolver and his .38 Special Police Revolver, expending all the rounds into the air. He then reloads his two pistols to continue his frenzy of celebratory gunfire. Fortunately, the office ceilings have been designed to withstand celebratory gun fire. Suddenly, an elevator doors opens and into the office, rides Ambrose “Tex” McCoy on his mare Jezebelle.]

McCoy: Is this a gun fight or is that my good old French buddy Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier getting excited at the mention of Archduke Sir Harry Moore?

Chevalier: Eh bien, si ce n'est pas mon temps Texas ami Tex McCoy! Comment faites-vous mon bon vieux copain?

McCoy: Je fais fort belle. Et vous Français?

Chevalier: Absolument merveilleux. Il est si bon de te voir. [Chevalier pulls off the rifles he has slung on his back and hands one to McCoy. They proceed to engage in a frenzy of celebratory gunfire.]

Cowlinch: Hey Tex! I didn't know you could speak French.

McCoy: Well Doggies! Didn't I tell ya? I was born in Paris, Texas. Everyone speaks French and Texan there. That's why its call Paris, Texas. Haw. Haw.

Cowlinch: Tex! How did you and Boom Boom meet?

McCoy: How about I let Boom Boom tell the story. It is his interview after all. Just let me apologize for barging in on it.

Chevalier: Tex is a man of the most impeccable manners, and let me tell you Tex, you can never interrupt. When you come onto a scene, you bring le soliel avec vous!

McCoy: Oh schucks! Boom Boom, you are too kind. Tell him the story of how we meet.

Chevalier: Bien sûr. First. Would you two like to try some Seitaines?

Cowlinch and McCoy: They still make them?

Chevalier: I have my own private supply. [Chevalier pulls out three Seitaines and lights them with the flintlock of Ketland brass barrel smooth bore pistol. He then gives a cigarette each to McCoy and Cowlinch.]

Cowlinch: Would you like to try some Crown Royal Whiskey?

McCoy: Oooo eeeee! You know it a right special occasion when the normally parsimonious blogger Andrew Cowlinch is sharing his whiskey!

Cowlinch: Now, now, Ambrose. You are mixing me up with the Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher. ET Kaulins is the parsimonious one.

McCoy: Oh! Many pardons!

[Cowlinch distributes three big tumblers and fills them to the rim with Crown Royal.]

Cowlinch: A toast to His Majesty, the King of Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty!

Chevalier, McCoy, Cowlinch: To His Majesty, the King of Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty! [They clink their tumblers and down their whiskeys in a jiffy.] Aaahhhh!!

[The three tumblers are tossed in the air, and McCoy shots all three in quick succession with his Smith and Wesson. Cowlinch then distributes three more big tumblers and fills them to the rim with Crown Royal.]

Cowlinch: To Archduke Sir Harry Moore!

Chevalier, McCoy, Cowlinch: To Archduke Sir Harry Moore! [They clink their tumblers and down whiskeys in a jiffy.] Aaahhhh!!

Chevalier: Soon to be Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore, Emeritus. [They again toss their tumblers in the air, and this time, Chevalier, using his 38 Special, shots all three tumblers in mid-air.]

McCoy: Okay. Boom Boom! You tell Cowlinch how we meet up! I have to go. My wife Jing Jing has some chores for me. [McCoy jumps on his mare Jezebelle, gets her to stand on her hind legs while he lifts his cowboy hat off his head. He then kicks Jezzebelle and they leap out the office window.] Adios!!!!!

Cowlinch: Oh my. They just jumped out of a 89^th floor window.

Chevalier: No problemez!! Jezabelle has wings.

Cowlinch: Phew! Can you tell me how you meet Tex?

Chevalier: I met Tex in Paris, Texas when I was recruiting for the French Foreign Legion. We required fluent French speakers with a passion for firearms and let me tell you, Tex filled the bill. We were so impressed with him, that we immediately made him a Marshall and we gave him his own regiment: Les Premières Archiduc Sir Harry Moore Elite Grenadiers. When we discovered that Tex also spoke fluent Mandarin and Cantonese, we then gave him his own division: La Première Division blindée Elite Bardot Briggette. Together, Marshall McCoy, I, the then Eight Star General Gorzo the Mighty, and the then General Sir Harry Moore played key roles in commanding the guerrilla forces that succeeded in toppling the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi.

Cowlinch: That is quite a story. It fills my heart with Wuxi Expat patriotism. Would you like to try a Export “A” Green Pack cigarette?

Chevalier: Avec plaisir. The Export “A” Green Pack is what I smoke when I am in le Belle Province.

Cowlinch: You mean Quebec.

Chevalier: Well I don't mean Ontario. [Chevalier has a five minute chortle.]

Cowlinch: Now can you tell me when.... [Cowlinch hesitates]

Chevalier: When....

Cowlinch: Ah... when you first meet...

Chevalier: My wife Gabrielle Bardot De Gualle..

Cowlinch: No! When you meet...

Chevalier: you mean?

Cowlinch: Yes! The Archduke Sir Harry Moore!!!

Chevalier: ARCHDUKE SIR HARRY MOORE! Merveilleux, impressionnant, spectaculaire, grand, redoutable, comme un dieu, fantastique, spectaculaire, élégant! Quelle fantastique, viril, élégant, beau, intelligent, articulé, humain et les honnêtes gens! [From his holsters, Chevalier pulls out his Colt Single-Action Army Revolver and his .38 Special Police Revolver, expending all the rounds into the air. He then reloads his two pistols to continue his frenzy of celebratory gunfire. Fortunately, the office ceilings have been designed go withstand celebratory gun fire. Suddenly, elevator doors open and into the office, floats His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty.]

Gorzo: Is this a gun fight or is that my good old comrade in arms Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier getting excited at the mention of Archduke Sir Harry Moore? [The sight of His Majesty causes Cowlinch and Chevalier to fall to the ground and kow tow.]

Cowlinch: I am not worthy, Your Majesty!

Chevalier: Je ne suis pas digne de votre majesté!

Gorzo: Oh fellows! Stop that! I just wanted to make sure everybody was safe!

Cowlinch: Thank you, Your Majesty!

Chevalier: Merci Beaucoup, votre majeste!

Gorzo: Don't forget the accent on majesté!

Chevalier: I am amazed that you caught that.

Gorzo: Anyway, glad to see everything is safe around. Queen Ayira wants me to hang the laundry she has just washed. Maybe, I see you fellows at Gambay's tonight.

Chevalier and Cowlinch: If our wives let us! [Gorzo floats out of the office. Chevalier and Cowlinch return to their feet.] Thank you. Your Majesty!

Cowlinch: Now. Where were we? Let's talk about you-know-who.

Chevalier: I first saw the Archduke in Paris. At the foot of the Eiffel tower, he was delivering one of his award-winning lectures on the movies involving the French foreign legion. At the end of the lecture, all of us in the audience threw our berets in the air, and for the first time in the history of France, we formed a conga line, and before you could say Black Jack Shellack, the line stretched from Montremarte to the Palace at Versailles. Since that day, there has been a movement afoot to change the French National Day from Bastille Day to Archduke Sir Harry Moore Film Lecture Day. Anyway, it was my great fortune to meet Harry after the lecture. Strangely, he was worried that about the enthusiasm that we French people had for him. He was worried that the French attraction to him was like that they felt for Jerry Lewis. I assured him that it wasn't and that his appeal was universal. He then gave me the great opportunity to organize his lectures in Albania, Madagascar, and Amarillo, Texas. They were so well received that the he never again compared himself to Jerry Lewis. And it was at Amarillo, that Tex McCoy first laid eyes on the Archduke. It was also there that I adopted the healthy and pleasant habit of firing my weapons in the air at the mention of the Archduke's name.

Cowlinch: What a wonderful story. Would you like to have another cigarette?

Chevalier: What brand?

Cowlinch: DuMaurier Special Lights?

Chevalier: How about something stronger.

Cowlinch: Camels unfiltered?

Chevalier: Now, you are talking. [Cowlinch lights the two Camels using a zippo lighter with the shape of a 44 magnum as used by Clint Eastwood.]

Cowlinch: It it true that you and you-know-who were in the French Foreign Legion.

Chevalier: Yes we were. For a brief time, during the dark years of the reign of the former King of Wuxi, and when the Archduke was in the midst of a lover's tiff with the future Mrs. Miss Moneypenny. The Archduke was a crack shot and an excellent motivator of men. His knowledge of ten Albanian dialects made him the commander of le premier régiment Albanais. The Archduke was honorably discharged from the legion with the rank of Marshall and awarded Le Legion D'honneur 

Cowlinch: My God. Is there nothing that the Archduke can't do.

Chevalier: Nothing.

[There is a knock on the door.]

Cowlinch: Who is it?

[Archduke Sir Harry Moore enters the room wearing dancing shoes and a French Foreign Legion uniform.]

Moore: It is I.

Chevalier: Comment êtes-vous mon ami?

Moore: Très bon. I am in a mood for a song. [In walks an orchestra conducted by Nelson Riddle.] Hit her! Boys! [The band begins playing the French Foreign Legion song made popular by Frank Sinatra, music by Guy Wood, lyrics by Aaron Schroeder.] Join in, Boom Boom?

Chevalier: But, of course.

Moore and Chevalier [Singing and Tap Dancing]:

If you turn me down once more, I'll join the French Foreign Legion
Bet you, they would welcome me with open arms

First you love me, yes, then you love me, no
I don't know where I stand

Do we march together down the isle
Or do I march that desert sand?

If you think I won't find romance in the French Foreign Legion
Think about that uniform with all its charm

Just one more time, are you gonna be mine or au revoir cheri
It's the French Foreign Legion for me

Now, if you think I won't find romance in the French Foreign Legion
Think about that uniform with all its charm

Just one more time, are you gonna be mine or au revoir cheri
It's the French Foreign Legion for me!

Cowlinch: On that note, I will end the interview. Thanks Boom Boom. Thanks Harry.