Wuxi, China Expatdom: A WCE Exclusive! Wuxi Expat Blogger Andrew Cowlinch Interviews Elite Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins.

Wuxi China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch recently interviewed the reclusive Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins. The interview was conducted at Kaulins's secluded forty story villa on the shores of Lake Taihu.

AC: I want to thank Andis for allowing me an interview.

AK: That Mister Kaulins to you! How come you didn't kow-tow?

AC: I'm sorry... Mister Kaulins. [Cowlinch prostrates himself in a pool of mud for twenty minutes before AK permits him to arise and ask another question.]

AK: Ha Ha. I was playing a trick on you.

AC: Oh.

AK: Anyway. Come on. Ask me your questions.

AC: Why do you have a trampoline in this room?

AK: Wait for it. All will be revealed.

AC: Ah......

AK: [Kaulins taps his forehead in the posture of one having a sudden recollection.] Oh! Oh! Oh! One thing! You don't mind if I have Nielson Riddle and his Orchestra accompany me in some of my answers? My friend Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus is out of town today, and he said that Nielson and his band, who performed with Frank Sinatra on most of his greatest albums, could accompany me during the day. [In the distance, the sound of celebratory gunfire can be heard in response to the mentioning aloud of SASHME's name.]

AC: Sure... First, I would like you to help unconfuse me and the readers about which Andis Kaulins you are. I have heard that there are two or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom. One of them maybe teaches English, one of them writes a blog, one of them is an elite expat, and one of the three is very unpopular with the other Wuxi Expats. Which Andis Kaulins are you?

AK: You know I get confused myself. But I will tell you what I know and what I know to be true. I came to Wuxi to work as a consultant to a Trappist Monastery that was being set up in the Meicun District. Shortly after, I was made the president of the Wuxi Elite Expat Association, and I still serve in that capacity, presiding over the WEEA congress. I didn't seek the position, and in fact, my Catholic religion is more important to me, but I am often called the Andis Kaulins who is the elite expat. Really, I would like to be thought of as the Trappist Monk Andis Kaulins, but the label elite has been so often applied to me that I don't wish to put anyone out by changing it to Trappist. This is what now I do: I work as a Trappist Monk from Monday to Friday, nine to five, and on the weekends, I like to tend the gardens here at my Villa as well as do maintenance on the forty storey building I got here. I don't much mix with other Wuxi Expats, like say the Wuxi Sexpats or the Andis Kaulins who they say is a blogger or the Andis Kaulins who they say is an English teacher. Now the Andis Kaulins who is a blogger at AKIC and the Andis Kaulins who teaches English may be the same person or could be two persons but I haven't meet him or them so I couldn't tell you for sure.

AC: Well. The answer does at least eliminate half of the confusion. I see I will have to track down the other Andis Kaulins or the other two Wuxi Expats named Andis Kaulins and try to settle the issue of whether there are two people named Andis Kaulins in the Wuxi China Expatdom or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Now what do you think of the other Andis Kaulins or the other people named Andis Kaulins?

AK: I really hope there is just one because I don't like saying Andis Kaulins's or two people named Andis Kaulins. It is very unpoetic and unlyrical and such a mouthful to say that I sometimes want to be a Trappist Monk on the weekends as well. Anyway, I have read the AKIC blog and I have to say it is full of vileness and bitterness. If I ever meet this AKIC blogger, I would punch him in the nose. He does like to spread a lot of innuendo about some of my acquaintances who are not as flawed as AKIC likes many to think them to be. As for the Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher, I have heard that, like me, he is something of a recluse. For this I can't blame him because if he is also the AKIC blogger, I and other Wuxi expats would do him physical harm. If he isn't the AKIC blogger, I can understand the shame he must feel for being an English teacher. The ET's I have seen in Wuxi are a pathetic looking lot.

AC: True. True. Can I bum a cigarette?

AK: Sorry. I don't smoke.

AC: What!?! Since when!

AK: You are mixing me up with the other(s) Andis Kaulins. How about a couple shots of Crown Royal Whiskey instead?

AC: I'd love it. [AK brings out a couple of glasses and pulls out an uncracked bottle of Crown from a purple bag.]

AK: How would you like your Crown?

AC: With ice and some cola. [Two Pamela Anderson impersonators come into the interview room. One carries a can of cola. The other carries a bucket of ice. AK takes the ice and cola from the girls.]

AK: Certainly. [AK prepares two glasses of Crown, and hands one to AC.}

AC & AK: [They down their drinks quickly.] Aaaahhhh!

AK: You know. In 1957, Frank Sinatra in a concert in Vancouver, Canada, said he loved Seagram's Crown Royal and that he would bathe in the stuff if he could.

AC: I never get tire of hearing that story.

AK: And I never tire of telling it. Anyway It puts me in a mood to sing a Sinatra standard. [AK snaps his fingers.] Hit it boys!!! [Nielson Riddle and band play the opening bars of the Lady is a Tramp.]

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She like the theatre and never comes late
She never bothers with people she hates
That's why the lady is a tramp

Doesn’t like crapgames with sexpats or atheists
Won't go to Meicun in ermine and pearls
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That’s why the lady is a tramp

She like the free fresh wind in her hair, life without care
She's broke and it's oke
Hates Suzhou, it's pretentious and it's damp
That's why the lady is a tramp

AK: Know the words?

AC: Of course.

AC & AK:

She gets too hungry to wait for dinner at eight
She loves the theatre, but never comes late
She'd never bother with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

She'll have no crapgames with sharpies and frogs
And she won't go to Ling Shan in Lincolns or Fords
And she won't dish the dirt with the rest of the broads
That's why the lady is a tramp

She loves the free fresh wind in her hair
Life without care. She's broke but it's oke
Hates Shanghai, it's so primitive and so damp
That's why the lady. that's why the lady
THAT'S WHY THE LADY IS A TRAMP!

[AC and AK take bow and then shake hands.]

AK: Do you want to bathe in some Crown Royal?

AC: Ah. Sure!

AK: Oke. [The two Pamela Anderson Impersonators (PAIs) come with a hundred bottles of Crown Royal which they pour into a bathtub.]

AC: Wow!

AK: Jump in girls! [To AC] The one with the red bikini bottom is mine. You can have the naked Pamela Anderson impersonator sit on your lap.

AC: Oke.

AK: Any more questions?

AC: I try to ask some. [AC finds it hard to concentrate with a naked Pamela Anderson impersonator sitting on his lap.] Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! How well do you know good old Saint Harry?

AK: Hit it boys! [Sings]

Harry Moore! Harry Moore!

He's a pal of mine!

A real intelligent schnook and raconteur!!!!!!

[Rifle fire can heard to be approaching the Kaulins villa.]

AC: Oh my God! What's that!

AK: That's my good buddy Juan Carlos Boom-Boom from Spain. He is a big fan of Saint Harry and a serious gun enthusiast. He has rented the 25^th to 35^th floors of my villa for the entire 2014 year of the Firearm in China. He likes to fire off celebratory gunfire at the mention of the name of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

AC: I must interview him!

AK: You will be able to talk to him in a second. He's about to come through the window.

JCBB: [Coming through the window, Boom-Boom, in a fit of ectasy, fires off his colt six shooter, ]¿Alguien dijo Harry Moore San Archiduque Harry Moore es el más magnífico, el más viril, el más inteligente, el más heroico, el más elegante, el más santo y el hombre más varonil en caminar sobre la surfact de gran tierra de Dios! Disparé mis armas y mis fusiles y bazucas y mis mis misiles en un ataque de éxtasis! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! ¡Sí! ¡Sí! ¡Gracias a Dios! ¡Gracias a Dios! Gracias Gorzo el Poderoso! Harry Moore es como un arma de fuego magneficent!

AK: ¿Cómo estás mi buen amigo!

JCBB: ¡Maravilloso!

AK: ¿Cómo es su bella esposa?

JCBB: Bueno. Ella le envía sus mejores deseos!

AK: Por favor, ver a mi amigo, el blogger Andrew Cowlinch

JCBB: How are you most esteemed sir! I read your blog all the time. I am a great fan! Thank you for standing up for gun rights!

AC: Thank you. Thank you.

JCBB: Please continue with your interview with mi amigo. I will admire the beauty of the young ladies you are bathing with.

AC: Okay. Andis, is you basic world view, optimistic or pessimistic?

AK: To quote David Warren: Of course, I am a pessimist in all worldly matters. We will run out of Crown Royal. These girls will spend their spare time with young men. It's why I’m always right. It is also why, unlike an optimist, I am able to remain reasonably cheerful; for even on a very bad day, I could always say, “I told you so.” It makes me think of a song. Hit it boys! [Nielson Riddle's orchestra begins to play the music of a famous Peggy Lee song.] Ladies and Gentlemen, you can join me in the chorus!

I remember when I was a very little boy, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my mother's face as she gathered me up
in her arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to the circus, the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And as I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle
I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful girl in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself,

[Boom-Boom, Cowlinch, and Kaulins fire off weapons. The girls jump for joy on a trampoline.]

AC: Let's get back to interviewing. How do you know Archduke Sir Harry Moore?

AK: He was a colleague of mine at a Trappist Monastery just outside of Melbourne. Of course, we didn't talk much. But then we got a chance to be extras on the film On the Beach, starring Fred Astaire, Gregory Peck, Anthony Hopkins, and Ava Gardner. Moore and Peck were great pals and they told me about this freedom fighter named Gorzo the Mighty who was fighting the Ayatollah of Mordor in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Gregory and Harry convinced me to become a pilot in the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force. The rest as they say is history...

AC: My god. That is quite the story.

AK: Sure is. You want a shot or two or three of Crown Royal?

AC: Make it three.

AK: How about you ladies?

PAIs: No. We have duties to perform.... Making you happy....

AK: Juan Carlos! ¿Qué tal si mi amigo? ¿Quieres un trago de whisky Crown Royal?

JCBB: Sí. En las rocas por favor.

AK: On the rocks it is. [With the help of the Pamela Anderson Impersonators, Kaulins prepares three drinks, and distributes them. All three lift their glasses to toast.]

AK, AC & JCBB: 干杯！(gambay!) [They down their drinks quickly. AC takes a little longer.] Aaahhh!! [The Pamela Anderson Impersonators gratuitously bounce on the trampoline.]

AC: How about another drink?

AK: Sure. I will have the same.

JCBB: Voy a tener el mismo también.

[AK prepares the drinks and distributes them. They raise their glasses.]

AK: Gentleman, I propose a toast! Señores, les propongo un brindis. To Blessed Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus on his birthday!!

AK, AC & JCBB: To Harry! [They down their drinks.] Ah!!!

[In the distance, celebratory gunfire can be heard on account of the mention of the Blessed Saint Archduke.]

AC: Do I hear a Frenchman?

JCBB: Sí. Se oyen un francés. Es nuestro amigo Dominique "Boom Boom" Chevalier! [Through the window which Juan Carlos Boom-Boom had entered, comes Dominque “Boom Boom” Chevalier. Chevalier is dressed Rambo Style with two belts of ammo strung cross his bare back and chest and camoflague clothing while wearing a Napoleon hat. In both his hands he totes smoking Smith and Wesson revolvers.]

DBBC: Saint archiduc Sir Harry Moore! Quel magnifique virilité! …. [Sees Juan Carlos Boom Boom] Hey! Español Boom Boom! ¿Cómo te va?

JCBB: Je fais bien et vous? [They shake hands.]

AK: Hey you two Booms Booms! Let's sing a song to honor Blessed Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore on his birthday!

AC, JCBB & DBBC: Okay!

AK: Here's a song that must be near and dear to Harry's heart. I can imagine that he and his darling wife the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny sing it at barbecues, when making love, and when ascending the 50,000 meter high summit of Hui Shan. [Hit it boys!]

AK, AC, JCBB & DBBC:

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,

Under the shade of a Coolibah tree,

And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil,