Wuxi
China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch recently interviewed the
reclusive Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins. The interview was conducted at
Kaulins's secluded forty story villa on the shores of Lake Taihu.
AC:
I want to thank Andis for allowing me an interview.
AK:
That Mister Kaulins to you! How come you didn't kow-tow?
AC:
I'm sorry... Mister Kaulins. [Cowlinch prostrates himself in a pool
of mud for twenty minutes before AK permits him to arise and ask
another question.]
AK:
Ha Ha. I was playing a trick on you.
AC:
Oh.
AK:
Anyway. Come on. Ask me your questions.
AC:
Why do you have a trampoline in this room?
AK:
Wait for it. All will be revealed.
AC:
Ah......
AK:
[Kaulins taps his forehead in the posture of one having a sudden
recollection.] Oh! Oh! Oh! One thing! You don't mind if I have
Nielson Riddle and his Orchestra accompany me in some of my answers?
My friend Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus is out of town
today, and he said that Nielson and his band, who performed with
Frank Sinatra on most of his greatest albums, could accompany me
during the day. [In the distance, the sound of celebratory gunfire
can be heard in response to the mentioning aloud of SASHME's name.]
AC:
Sure... First, I would like you to help unconfuse me and the
readers about which Andis Kaulins you are. I have heard that there
are two or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China
Expatdom. One of them maybe teaches English, one of them writes a
blog, one of them is an elite expat, and one of the three is very
unpopular with the other Wuxi Expats. Which Andis Kaulins are you?
AK:
You know I get confused myself. But I will tell you what I know and
what I know to be true. I came to Wuxi to work as a consultant to a
Trappist Monastery that was being set up in the Meicun District.
Shortly after, I was made the president of the Wuxi Elite Expat
Association, and I still serve in that capacity, presiding over the
WEEA congress. I didn't seek the position, and in fact, my Catholic
religion is more important to me, but I am often called the Andis
Kaulins who is the elite expat. Really, I would like to be thought
of as the Trappist Monk Andis Kaulins, but the label elite has been
so often applied to me that I don't wish to put anyone out by
changing it to Trappist. This is what now I do: I work as a
Trappist Monk from Monday to Friday, nine to five, and on the
weekends, I like to tend the gardens here at my Villa as well as do
maintenance on the forty storey building I got here. I don't much mix
with other Wuxi Expats, like say the Wuxi Sexpats or the Andis
Kaulins who they say is a blogger or the Andis Kaulins who they say
is an English teacher. Now the Andis Kaulins who is a blogger at
AKIC and the Andis Kaulins who teaches English may be the same person
or could be two persons but I haven't meet him or them so I couldn't
tell you for sure.
AC:
Well. The answer does at least eliminate half of the confusion. I
see I will have to track down the other Andis Kaulins or the other
two Wuxi Expats named Andis Kaulins and try to settle the issue of
whether there are two people named Andis Kaulins in the Wuxi China
Expatdom or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China
Expatdom. Now what do you think of the other Andis Kaulins or the
other people named Andis Kaulins?
AK:
I really hope there is just one because I don't like saying Andis
Kaulins's or two people named Andis Kaulins. It is very unpoetic and
unlyrical and such a mouthful to say that I sometimes want to be a
Trappist Monk on the weekends as well. Anyway, I have read the AKIC
blog and I have to say it is full of vileness and bitterness. If I
ever meet this AKIC blogger, I would punch him in the nose. He does
like to spread a lot of innuendo about some of my acquaintances who
are not as flawed as AKIC likes many to think them to be. As for the
Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher, I have heard that, like me,
he is something of a recluse. For this I can't blame him because if
he is also the AKIC blogger, I and other Wuxi expats would do him
physical harm. If he isn't the AKIC blogger, I can understand the
shame he must feel for being an English teacher. The ET's I have
seen in Wuxi are a pathetic looking lot.
AC:
True. True. Can I bum a cigarette?
AK:
Sorry. I don't smoke.
AC:
What!?! Since when!
AK:
You are mixing me up with the other(s) Andis Kaulins. How about a
couple shots of Crown Royal Whiskey instead?
AC:
I'd love it. [AK brings out a couple of glasses and pulls out an
uncracked bottle of Crown from a purple bag.]
AK:
How would you like your Crown?
AC:
With ice and some cola. [Two Pamela Anderson impersonators come
into the interview room. One carries a can of cola. The other
carries a bucket of ice. AK takes the ice and cola from the girls.]
AK:
Certainly. [AK prepares two glasses of Crown, and hands one to AC.}
AC
& AK: [They down their drinks quickly.] Aaaahhhh!
AK:
You know. In 1957, Frank Sinatra in a concert in Vancouver, Canada,
said he loved Seagram's Crown Royal and that he would bathe in the
stuff if he could.
AC:
I never get tire of hearing that story.
AK:
And I never tire of telling it. Anyway It puts me in a mood to
sing a Sinatra standard. [AK snaps his fingers.] Hit it boys!!!
[Nielson Riddle and band play the opening bars of the Lady is a
Tramp.]
She
gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She
like the theatre and never comes late
She
never bothers with people she hates
That's
why the lady is a tramp
Doesn’t
like crapgames with sexpats or atheists
Won't
go to Meicun in ermine and pearls
Won't
dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That’s
why the lady is a tramp
She
like the free fresh wind in her hair, life without care
She's
broke and it's oke
Hates
Suzhou, it's pretentious and it's damp
That's
why the lady is a tramp
AK:
Know the words?
AC:
Of course.
AC
& AK:
She
gets too hungry to wait for dinner at eight
She
loves the theatre, but never comes late
She'd
never bother with people she'd hate
That's
why the lady is a tramp
She'll
have no crapgames with sharpies and frogs
And
she won't go to Ling Shan in Lincolns or Fords
And
she won't dish the dirt with the rest of the broads
That's
why the lady is a tramp
She
loves the free fresh wind in her hair
Life
without care. She's broke but it's oke
Hates
Shanghai, it's so primitive and so damp
That's
why the lady. that's why the lady
THAT'S WHY
THE LADY IS A TRAMP!
[AC
and AK take bow and then shake hands.]
AK:
Do you want to bathe in some Crown Royal?
AC:
Ah. Sure!
AK:
Oke. [The two Pamela Anderson Impersonators (PAIs) come with a
hundred bottles of Crown Royal which they pour into a bathtub.]
AC:
Wow!
AK:
Jump in girls! [To AC] The one with the red bikini bottom is mine.
You can have the naked Pamela Anderson impersonator sit on your lap.
AC:
Oke.
AK:
Any more questions?
AC:
I try to ask some. [AC finds it hard to concentrate with a naked
Pamela Anderson impersonator sitting on his lap.] Ah..........
Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah.........
Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah..........
Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
How well do you know good old Saint Harry?
AK:
Hit it boys! [Sings]
Harry
Moore! Harry Moore!
He's
a pal of mine!
A
real intelligent schnook and raconteur!!!!!!
[Rifle
fire can heard to be approaching the Kaulins villa.]
AC:
Oh my God! What's that!
AK:
That's my good buddy Juan Carlos Boom-Boom from Spain. He is a big
fan of Saint Harry and a serious gun enthusiast. He has rented the
25th to 35th floors of my villa for the entire
2014 year of the Firearm in China. He likes to fire off celebratory
gunfire at the mention of the name of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.
AC:
I must interview him!
AK:
You will be able to talk to him in a second. He's about to come
through the window.
JCBB:
[Coming through the window, Boom-Boom, in a fit of ectasy, fires off
his colt six shooter, ]¿Alguien dijo Harry Moore San Archiduque
Harry Moore es el más magnífico, el más viril, el más
inteligente, el más heroico, el más elegante, el más santo y el
hombre más varonil en caminar sobre la surfact de gran tierra de
Dios! Disparé mis armas y mis fusiles y bazucas y mis mis misiles
en un ataque de éxtasis! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un
hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre
magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! ¡Sí! ¡Sí! ¡Gracias a
Dios! ¡Gracias a Dios! Gracias Gorzo el Poderoso! Harry Moore es
como un arma de fuego magneficent!
AK:
¿Cómo estás mi buen amigo!
JCBB:
¡Maravilloso!
AK:
¿Cómo es su bella esposa?
JCBB:
Bueno. Ella le envía sus mejores deseos!
AK:
Por favor, ver a mi amigo, el blogger Andrew Cowlinch
JCBB:
How are you most esteemed sir! I read your blog all the time. I am
a great fan! Thank you for standing up for gun rights!
AC:
Thank you. Thank you.
JCBB:
Please continue with your interview with mi amigo. I will
admire the beauty of the young ladies you are bathing with.
AC:
Okay. Andis, is you basic world view, optimistic or pessimistic?
AK:
To quote David Warren: Of course, I am a
pessimist in all worldly matters.
We will run out of Crown Royal. These girls will spend their spare
time with young men. It's why I’m always
right. It is also why, unlike an optimist, I am able to remain
reasonably cheerful; for even on a very bad day, I could always say,
“I told you so.” It makes me think of a song. Hit it boys!
[Nielson Riddle's orchestra begins to play the music of a famous
Peggy Lee song.] Ladies and Gentlemen, you can join me in the
chorus!
I
remember when I was a very little boy, our house caught on fire.
I'll
never forget the look on my mother's face as she gathered me up
in
her arms and raced through the burning building out to the
pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the
whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to
myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"
[Cowlinch,
Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is
that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my
friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and
have a ball
If that's all there is
And when I was 12 years
old, my father took me to the circus, the greatest show on
earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears
And a
beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And as I
sat there watching the marvelous spectacle
I had the feeling that
something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I
said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?"
[Cowlinch,
Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is
that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my
friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and
have a ball
If that's all there is
Then I fell in love,
with the most wonderful girl in the world.
We would take long
walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's
eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away.
And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I
said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"
[Cowlinch,
Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is
that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my
friends, then let's keep dancing
I know what you must be
saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why
doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for
that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing
here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm
breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself,
[Cowlinch,
Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is
that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my
friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and
have a ball
If that's all there is!!!!!!!
[Boom-Boom,
Cowlinch, and Kaulins fire off weapons. The girls jump for joy on a
trampoline.]
AC:
Let's get back to interviewing. How do you know Archduke Sir Harry
Moore?
AK:
He was a colleague of mine at a Trappist Monastery just outside of
Melbourne. Of course, we didn't talk much. But then we got a chance
to be extras on the film On the Beach, starring Fred Astaire, Gregory
Peck, Anthony Hopkins, and Ava Gardner. Moore and Peck were great
pals and they told me about this freedom fighter named Gorzo the
Mighty who was fighting the Ayatollah of Mordor in the Wuxi China
Expatdom. Gregory and Harry convinced me to become a pilot in the
Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force. The rest as they say is
history...
AC:
My god. That is quite the story.
AK:
Sure is. You want a shot or two or three of Crown Royal?
AC:
Make it three.
AK:
How about you ladies?
PAIs:
No. We have duties to perform.... Making you happy....
AK:
Juan Carlos! ¿Qué tal si mi amigo? ¿Quieres un trago de
whisky Crown Royal?
JCBB:
Sí. En las rocas por favor.
AK:
On the rocks it is. [With the help of the Pamela Anderson
Impersonators, Kaulins prepares three drinks, and distributes them.
All three lift their glasses to toast.]
AK,
AC & JCBB: 干杯！(gambay!)
[They down their drinks quickly. AC takes a little longer.]
Aaahhh!! [The Pamela Anderson Impersonators gratuitously bounce on
the trampoline.]
AC:
How about another drink?
AK:
Sure. I will have the same.
JCBB:
Voy a tener el mismo también.
[AK
prepares the drinks and distributes them. They raise their glasses.]
AK:
Gentleman, I propose a toast! Señores, les propongo un brindis.
To Blessed Saint Archduke Sir
Harry Moore Emeritus on his birthday!!
AK,
AC & JCBB: To Harry! [They down their drinks.] Ah!!!
[In
the distance, celebratory gunfire can be heard on account of the
mention of the Blessed Saint Archduke.]
AC:
Do I hear a Frenchman?
JCBB:
Sí. Se oyen un francés. Es nuestro amigo Dominique "Boom
Boom" Chevalier! [Through
the window which Juan Carlos Boom-Boom had entered, comes Dominque
“Boom Boom” Chevalier. Chevalier is dressed Rambo Style with two
belts of ammo strung cross his bare back and chest and camoflague
clothing while wearing a Napoleon hat. In both his hands he totes
smoking Smith and Wesson revolvers.]
DBBC:
Saint archiduc Sir Harry Moore! Quel magnifique virilité!
…. [Sees Juan Carlos Boom
Boom] Hey! Español Boom Boom! ¿Cómo te va?
JCBB:
Je fais bien et vous? [They shake hands.]
AK:
Hey you two Booms Booms! Let's sing a song to honor Blessed Saint
Archduke Sir Harry Moore on his birthday!
AC,
JCBB & DBBC: Okay!
AK:
Here's a song that must be near and dear to Harry's heart. I can
imagine that he and his darling wife the Archduchess Mrs. Miss
Moneypenny sing it at barbecues, when making love, and when ascending
the 50,000 meter high summit of Hui Shan. [Hit it boys!]
AK,
AC, JCBB & DBBC:
Once
a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,
Under
the shade of a Coolibah tree,
And
he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil,
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me.
Waltzing
Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me,
And
he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me.
Down
came a jumbuck to drink at that billabong
Up
jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee,
And
he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me.
Waltzing
Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me,
And
he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me.
Up
rode the squatter mounted on his thorough-bred
Down
came the troopers One Two Three
Whose
that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me.
Waltzing
Matilda Waltzing Matilda
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me
Whose
that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker-bag
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me.
[AK
does the following passage solo]
Up
jumped the swagman sprang in to the billabong
You'll
never catch me alive said he,
And
his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong
You'll
come a Waltzing Matilda with me.
[AK,
AC, JCBB, & DBBC altogether, arm in arm sing the last verses.]
WALTZING
MATILDA WALTZING MATILDA
You'll
come a WALTZING MATILDA with me
And
his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong
YOU'LL
COME A WALTZING MATILDA WITH ME.
[The
four singers take a bow as the Pamela Anderson Impersonators jump up
and down jollily on the trampolines.]
AC:
Wow! The Pamela Anderson impersonators jumping during that song
must be touching to Australians. It must make them think of
Kangaroos. Anyway, I will end the interview here. Good to see you
French Boom Boom! Let's make an appointment for an interview Spanish
Boom Boom! And I will end by thanking today's guest, the erstwhile
Elite Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins, who is not is be confused with the
one or two other people with the Andis Kaulins who may live in the
Wuxi China Expatdom. Pamela! I need a massage!
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