Wuxi Expat English Teacher Association Elects Former Stripper to be Its President

The Wuxi Expat English Teacher Association (WEETA) has a new president.

WEETA elected Sugar Candy, a former stripper who teaches IELTS at Unforgettable English, to be its president at its annual convention which is being held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District. Candy succeeds Ivan Fence, a socialist and teacher at WOG English, who alienated ordinary Expats and human beings of decency by questioning their love of guns and freedom.

In her acceptance speech, Candy thanked the Sexpat faction of the WEETA for helping in her election. She then told the WEETA conventioneers what she saw her mandate as president to be:

“Me hope to improve better the life of English teachers who live in Wuxi. Too much money is what their need is. Me will do what I can to get a raise out of management of English schools. Me changely wants to make people know that us ET's are not dumb drunks who can't live in the real world that is back home. Me and Us wants to show everybody how we on WEETA can make the world and China better by doing the teaching of English in here at Wuxi. Also all yous and me together all want to mix up cultural barriers by building a bamboo bridge between cultures that are here and at other places which are there. You know, I saw a poor student in Wuxi one recent time and my eyes were full of tears because the student who I had see was so poorly in his English talking. I want to give a hug to them or he or she or they, whatever and however and how many there were! And an thing that is other. I want to have it so that the hours that WEETA workers work at school isn't too much. We are always so tiring that some of us went to home and neither go to the bar where we can relax. I also want to make sure that people who ain't normal like woman and people who don't happen to be old and from Countries who speak English can be too as well teachers be also! Never just nerdies and old grandpas! Thank you much! Bless God! Bless the majestic Gorzo King in the Wuxi China Expatdom! May his power rain on us without wetness! Bless WEETA! Happy English Teaching all of everyday that we teach! Those of you who aren't here, to please pass on this message!”

Candy's speech seemed to be well received by the audience of WEETA members, many of whom screamed and hooted so loudly that Candy's words were not heard, so that they could only be read afterward when Candy gave a copy of her speech to members of the media.

Some Wuxi Expats Will Celebrate Labour Day at Lake Taihu

Archduke Sir Harry Moore Interviews Wuxi Expat Blogger Andrew Cowlinch

Long-time Wuxi China Expatdom luminary Andrew Cowlinch consented to an interview with Archduke Harry Moore. The interview took place at the Chong’an Temple tea-house.
Archduke: Good-morning Mr Cowlinch. It is a pleasure to meet you at last. It is strange that
despite your high-profile status and eminence here in the WCE, we’ve never actually met until now. (Moore squints at Cowlinch curiously)(Moore then slid two cartons of Lucky Strikes, three of Nanjing Hong, and a sizable cardboard carton of Marlboros across the table towards Cowlinch, who
declined the offer; Moore paled visibly, and appeared to lose his composure for several seconds).

Cowlinch: Your Archdukiness, this is probably the greatest moment of my life, greater than the birth of my son Bam Bam. Your stating that I have a high-profile status is news to me. You see, I am something a recluse out here in the Hui Shan district.
Archduke: Andrew (if I may?) you first arrived in the Expatdom in 2004. That makes you something of an ‘institution’ here, an honourable incarnation, so to speak. What influenced you to settle here in Wuxi?

Cowlinch: (Squirming). To have you call me by my first name would make me proud. As for your questions. (loosens his collar to let off steam). You don't throw softballs! The truth is that the Ayatollah of Mordor is to be credited for bring me here. (Starts sobbing) It's my shame!! I know.
Archduke: Do you travel to our satellite Expatdom-dependencies very often? For instance, are you a frequent visitor to the Suzhou, or Shanghai Expatdoms? Do you like those places?

Cowlinch. The shame of my previous association with the Ayatollah of Mordor keeps me holed up in Wuxi and mostly in my Hui Shan compound.
Archduke: Do you enjoy spending time at Gambays, in the 1912 Bar District? It is well-known that you have thousands of contacts and friends in Gambays’ plush Tiki Bar… Do you relate well with your many native, er, pardon me, Canadian compatriots, or, perhaps, do you mingle in more ‘global’ Expat circles?

Cowlinch: I do go to Gambay's in disguise. And if I can, I pick fight with the Canadians like Duston Short, Farok Bagolli, and the guy who was the head of the All Natural Naked English school. I do mingle with Expats of a conservative or reactionary persuassion. Our Anne Coulter and Sarah Palin Fan and Gun club has thousands of members.

Archduke: You’ve often spoken about your close family relationship, your son Bam-Bam, and your lovely wife, Wilma. Did Wilma have any problems adapting to life here after she’d been a South American freedom-fighter for all those years?

Cowlinch: If it wasn't for Bam Bam, I think she would be the jungles of Venezuela fighting the Chavezistas. I think it pains her so, like anyone who supports basic human decency, to see what is happening in that country.
Archduke: Perhaps you could tell us about a typical day in the Cowlinch residence (Moore glances at his notes) I see that you moved to Hui Shan after initially living in the Meicunzhen Gardens Estate? (Moore appears confused).

Cowlinch: I have a hard time remembering where I have lived in Wuxi. The place names are all in Chinese and so I just make them up for blogging purposes. As for the day in the Cowlinch Residence, it starts early. I get up at 4:00 AM and pray for an hour. I then get ready to work in the coal mine where I work alongside the miners, teaching them English on their breaks. The students and I go down to the pits at 5:15 AM. Walking to and from the mine, I write my blog entries. I get home about 11:00 PM and go to bed at 3:30 AM after having said my prayers. I am not sure what Wilma and Bam Bam do during the day.
Archduke: Andrew, I’m sure that your career as an English teacher is a demanding role.
Can you describe what you find most satisfying for you there at the Hyl…, I’m sorry, (flicks through notes) I meant, your, ah, current English College?

Cowlinch: The fact that I haven't killed anyone is testament to a remarkable strength of will that I possess.
Archduke: And you’d undoubtedly be a close confrère of Andis Kaulins, the Expatdom’s pre-eminent teacher of English and blog-essayist? (Moore leans forward to peer closely at Cowlinch). How would your describe your, ah, how can I put it, your… relationship with him?

Cowlinch: Andis has an intensity that is very off-putting to average people. There are times that even I find him hard to get along with. He will ignore me for days on end and then ask me for a cigarette for which he never thanks me. And yet I feel an intense psychic bond with him. It is a bond that is stronger than the one I have with my wife Wilma.

Archduke: (Are you sure you don’t want a cigarette?) Do you and Andis often get-together for after-work drinks? Are you a political-animal? Do you discuss, and possibly argue, about politics with people? Have you ever had it out, mano–o-mano with Andis Kaulins?

Cowlinch: Andis never goes to the pub unless someone else is paying... I am afraid he is like me in that regard. As for politics, Andis and I are in complete agreement. When you agree on the truth of the matter, what is there to discuss?
Archduke: Did you know Andis Kaulins before you moved to the Expatdom, maybe when you both took honours at Winnip…., ah, Andrew, I again beg your pardon, (Moore desperately flicks through his notes) I’m terribly sorry, aren’t you from Mani…no, I don’t appear to, have the name of your alma mater here.

Cowlinch: Andis and I are different people. I in fact got a degree from Brandon University.

Archduke: Late in 2012, you seem to have piqued the British Expat community, with one of them describing you as “a wanker”. Tell me, have you since kissed-and-made-up with our Brit cousins, or, is there maybe a lingering, simmering animosity? (Moore leans forward again, frowns, and aside, asks “how tall are you, Andrew?”)

Cowlinch: I am afraid that the Englishmen who one would see in the movie Dambusters, of the great TV series Civilisation, who helped win World War 2, who wrote Shakespeare plays, who voted for Thatcher, and had an empire that sun never set on are not to be found in the Wuxi China Expatdom; the Brits in the Wuxi China Expatdom are all Pouncey Tory Squishes, Blairites, National Health Care Sandanistas, the Rolling Stones, and rude like Pierce Morgan. There is no accommodating these people. To be called a wanker by them is a great honour. As for my height, I am proud to say that I am taller than James Bond, as he was envisaged by Ian Fleming.

Archduke: Also, in 2012, you hit world headlines when the enchanting Miss Pamela Anderson nominated you for the Fred Astaire Golden…, umm, beg your pardon, I meant, ‘The 2012 Wuxi Expat of The Year’!! Would I be correct in assuming that you and Pamela enjoy a ‘special affiliation’? Expats are open-minded, so please, no need to for you to…(stops abruptly).

Cowlinch: I am wired in the same way that Sexpats are. I admire Pamela's physical assets and I would be lying to say I didn't. Be that as it may, I am married. End of story. I, unlike a Sexpat, can control my impulses.

Archduke: Changing tack for a moment, you once described the former King of Wuxi as “a homophobic homosexual”. Many Expats wonder just how, and when, it was that you became deeply-suspicious of the Ayatollah of Mordor? Could you give us a character-sketch of the criminal? Is it true that he fled the Expatdom so fast that he didn’t have time to put his pants on? Did you see his getaway?

Cowlinch: The former King of Wuxi was blind to his hypocrisies. And to be honest, I choose to be wilfully blind to them too. I first pretended not to see the labour camps he was setting up to punish his political opponents, his trouncings of free speech, his employing of bully boys to steal candy from babies, his rigging of elections, his bad taste in movies, his bad taste in art, his bad taste in music, his stealing from the poor to give to himself, and his cheating at bridge. But I couldn't remain blind when he started to praise Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez. When he said that Barack was a good president, I realised that he didn't even possess a single speck of human decency and that he was a tyrant combining the worst features of Stalin and Hitler and some Chinese guy I won't mention. If was he to redeem himself, I realised, he was going to have to do it by spending the rest of his life in prison. And so I joined up the resistance with Gorzo and You and Harry Callahan and Lloyd Bridges and Gregory Peck and General Allenby. I wasn't able to see his getaway, but I was able to smell it. The day he left was the first time in years that I could smell the peaches of Yang Shan.

WCE's Andis Kaulins to receive Dual Israeli Awards from the Two Chief Rabbis

 Jerusalem, April 28, 2014

Israeli government sources today announced that Andis Kaulins will be invited to
Jerusalem next month to receive the two highest Gentile awards bestowed by the State of Israel.

He will receive the military Medal of Valour, in recognition of his nerves-of-steel courage
during the overthrow of the criminal Ayatollah of Mordor. PM Netanyahu said that such exemplary
bravery ranked alongside such Israeli heroes as Moshe Dayan, Paul Newman, and Steven Spielberg.

This will be accompanied by being inducted as a Most Righteous Person, which will entitle Andis Kaulins to plant a tree on the Avenue of the Righteous, in the old city, Jerusalem.

In a speech spoken simultaneously by both Chief Rabbis, they said that this most-coveted civil award has only been bestowed upon 11 Gentiles in all of history.

Wuxi Expat Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation and the 2014 Year of the Firearm in Wuxi, China: A Match Made in Heaven

Wuxi Expat Attempts an Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation

Wuxi Expat Blogger Wonders Why He Isn't Going to Be Canonized

Andrew Cowlinch, Wuxi China Expatdom blogger, is reportedly jealous that Archduke Sir Harry Moore is going to be canonized this weekend.

Ever since news of the canonization was announced, Cowlinch has maintained a stony silence. “He hasn't been talking to anyone!” said a co-worker of Cowlinch at the All Natural Naked English School.

“Cowlinch has always thought that sun shines out his ass! He surely thinks that he deserves to be canonized more than the Archduke!” said Wally Droop, manager of the Pink Kitty Pub, in an off-the-record discussion with journalist Rachel Madcow from MSNBC.

Cowlinch has so far refused to interview himself for the WCE blog about the accusation.

German Expat Engineers Make Big Splash in 2014 Spring Fashion Show

(Do Not Adjust Your Monitor) Mystery 'Secret Love' News:- Andis Kaulins' Living-Room Wallpaper Revealed

Canonization of Pope John Paul II, Pope John XXIII and Wuxi Expat Archduke Sir Harry Moore to draw billions to Rome

Easter services today are expected to kick off a record-breaking week at the Vatican.

The charismatic and virile Wuxi Expat Archduke Sir Harry Moore and two beloved modern popes — John Paul II and John XXIII — are to be canonized at the Vatican next Sunday by Pope Francis.

There will be services all week, which could draw the most pilgrims and Wuxi Expats ever to the Catholic capital.

John Paul II is remembered for helping to bring down communism and for inspiring a generation of Catholics. Many now call him “The Great,” only the fourth pope to have earned the moniker.

And while much of the crowd’s focus will be on the Polish pope’s remarkable achievements, Pope John XXIII — known as the “Good Pope” for his kindhearted nature — was no less revolutionary.

Pope Francis bypassed the second miracle typically required for canonization for John XXIII, declaring that he deserved the honor for having convened the Second Vatican Council.

Pope Francis bypassed even more rules in order to proceed with the canonization

Rome officials said they expected 1 billion visitors in the city during the period from the Easter celebrations this weekend and the canonization next Sunday.

Nineteen heads of state, 24 prime ministers, Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty and Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force Caption Harry Callahan are expected to attend the canonization ceremony in St. Peter’s Square.

In line with Pope Francis’s no-frills papacy, organizers said the canonizations would be a much more sober affair than the three-day extravaganza that marked John Paul’s beatification, the last step before sainthood, in 2011.

Cardinal Agostino Vallini, the vicar of Rome, said some churches would remain open overnight on the eve of the canonization to provide a spiritual retreat for pilgrims and Wuxi expats, “but not much else.”

Francis has long signaled his support for making a saint of John Paul II, whose funeral nine years ago saw mourners chant, “Santo subito [Saint now]!”

In his 2005 testimony to officials responsible for the sainthood cause, Francis, then Jorge Mario Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires, praised John Paul’s approach to death as “heroic”: John Paul considered stepping down as pope but chose to serve until his death.

“John Paul II taught us, by hiding nothing from others, to suffer and to die, and that, in my opinion, is heroic,” said Bergoglio at the time.

Francis decided on canonizing the Wuxi Expat after having attended Archduke Sir Harry Moore's special lecture on the 1945 film The Bell's of Saint Mary starring Bing Crosby and Ingrid Bergman. “Archduke Sir Harry Moore taught us the power of good film criticism to elevate the soul, and the sheer joy of conga party lines, which is no mean feat,” said Bergoglio at that time.

But more than his film lectures, Archduke Sir Harry Moore will forever be remembered for his part in the toppling of the Ayatollah of Mordor's reign in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Sensational New Duck-Walk Taking WCE's Nightspots by Storm

'Secret-Love' Mystery Deepens:- SECOND Image Discovered!

Tex McCoy: "Overwhelmed", by "Mighty-friendly Wuxi Folks!"

Wuxi Expat Pub's Caesar Salad to Have Gun-Shaped Croutons. Pub Owner Denies He Whips His Staff.

To celebrate the 2014 Year of the Firearm in Wuxi, China, The Pink Kitty Pub will be serving their Caesar salads with gun-shaped croutons. Wally Droop, Pink Kitty owner and manager, made the announcement at a packed news conference held on one of the tourist boats cruising the canal near the Nanchang Jie Bar Street.

“We have been working hard, over a year now, in the dungeons of the Pink Kitty to perfect these gun-shaped croutons.” said Droop. “Not only do these croutons now look like guns, they can also fire little crouton rounds. We are particularly proud of the croutons that look like Spencer Repeaters. Eating our Caesars will give our customers the sensation of having a mini firing range in one's mouth!”

Asked if the crouton bullets were dangerous, Droop said: “We have test-fired our crouton guns. We have determined that anything above a 44 caliber may cause some bleeding in the mouth.”

Asked if he had been harassing and exploiting his staff in order to get them to make the crouton-shaped guns, Droop became very angry and said that the screams that were heard to come from the dungeons of his pub were made by members of the Wuxi Expat Bondage Club who meet there during the pub's normal hours of operation. “I love my staff. I only beat the ones who find whipping to be pleasurable and are members in good standing of the Wuxi Expat Bondage Club.”

Droop then warned that the screams and whipping would seem to be louder during the Easter weekend because many Wuxi Expats would be reenacting the Passion of Christ in his dungeon as well.

Millions of Wuxi Expats to Celebrate Easter Sunday by Going to the Firing Range

Easter Sunday in the 2014 Year of the Firearm will be a busy day for millions of Wuxi Expats. Many will be attending church services in the morning and then going to their favorite firing ranges in the afternoon.

The Wuxi Second Dutch Reformed Church which offers parishioners opportunities for worship and skeet shooting will be particularly busy. Its pastor Norbert Friessen tells the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog that Easter Sunday will be the second busiest day of the year. “On a normal Sunday, we get three thousand worshipers to come to our services. This Easter Sunday, we will have probably twenty thousand worshipers and gun enthusiasts come to our church and firing range to celebrate the mystery of the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.”

Asked what gun was particularly popular with his parishioners, Friessen said: “There is a pair that is always particularly popular with our congregation. Smith and Wesson!”

Growing Expat Rumours:- Does Archduke Harry Moore have A Secret Love? Do You Know Who This Person Is?

       For the past four days the Wuxi China Expatdom's principal gossip-talk has focussed on the
(still-unidentified) woman in this photograph (above).

 Rumour-mongers in the 1912 Bar District have spoken of nothing else since the story first broke.  At the prestigious Gambays, veteran Expatdom-watchers, and drunks, have come to blows. 

   The mystery began last Monday night when Archduke Harry Moore entered a downtown KFC outlet for his customary night-out. Purchasing a Snack-box ("with small Pepsi"), Moore fumbled his wallet, and in the resulting mayhem, this image apparently fell out. 

A sharp-eyed KFC staffer, Ricky  Rickardo, snatched the image before Archduke Moore noticed. It is believed that Rickado then sold the photograph to a disreputable Suzhou Expat sleaze-website.

      Since then the image has been the focus of debate, in Gambays. Last night, two well-known Expat identities,  the WCE's Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, and, Ritz Biscuits, the owner of the Suzhou dirt-blog, sat down together in attempt to solve the question.

Biscuits kicked-off the discussion by pointing-out that:  - "the 'key', gentlemen, is to firstly identify who the woman is. "When a man has a wallet with a photo inside of a woman who is not his wife, that doesn't make him guilty of adulterous thoughts or sins", said Biscuits.

"We are, I remind you, an advanced, civilized people, and we must never pre-judge".  "Sure", he continued, "we probably will condemn him as the immoral, wife-cheating, low-down rat that he is, in time", added Biscuits gleefully.

"Hui Shan"'s response was to stare into space for a full 8 minutes, before replying "yes".
Ritz  intimated that whoever the woman is, she reminded him of Ava Gardner. "Oh yes, I know a sex-symbol when I see one!", panted Biscuits.

At that moment, that well-known 'Wonder from Down-Under', Wally Droop, entered the bar, picked-up the mystery photo and asked "is this Livvy Newton-John?".  Another bar-patron claimed that it is a photo of Aunt Jemima.

Gambays patrons have asked that if anyone can provide any information on the photograph, including how or why it fell out of the Archduke's pocket, to please come forward.

Gun Toting Frenchman Wants to Become a Wuxi Expat

Frenchman Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier wants to become a Wuxi Expat. He explained why in an exclusive and free-wheeling interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch. [The interview was conducted at the 89^th floor WCE Blog offices in building #87 of the Harry Moore Skytowers Complex in Wuxi's Binghu District. Cowlinch was dressed casually in jeans and a Sarah Palin for President t-shirt. Chevalier was dressed rather dapperly, wearing spats, a silk suit made exclusively for him by tailors in the Houxixi fabric market, a light blue dress shirt with alternating fleur-de-lys and Colt 45 gun patterns, and a red, white, and blue Adam Smith & Claude Frédéric Bastiat silk tie. On his left hip, Chevalier had a Colt Single-Action Army Revolver holstered; on his right, a .38 Special Police Revolver. On his back were slung a Winchester 1873 Rifle and an M1 Garand.]

Cowlinch: Thank you for allowing us to interview you, Mister Chevalier.

Chevalier: Ah! No need to call me Monsieur Chevalier. You know, I have been reading your blog for the longest time. I feel like we are bon amis. You can call me Boom Boom.

Cowlinch: Oh. Mercy buckets.

Chevalier: No problem. [Chevalier lights two Gauloises with a lighter that is shaped like a Thompson Machine Gun. He hands one cigarette to Cowlinch. They both take long drags.] Now, you can shot me with your questions.

Cowlinch: I will ask the most obvious one. Why do you want to become a Wuxi Expat?

Chevalier: I am sure you know what Pascal said. Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. But in my case, wanting to become a Wuxi Expat is a desire of my heart and my reason. Who cannot help but love the Wuxi China Expatdom natural beauty. The towering mountains of Hui Range! The sand dunes of Meicun! The rain forests of Yixing! The majestic waves, great for surfing, of Tai Lake which has an area of Vingt mille lieues! The mighty peach trees of Yang Shan! And Oh la la! The exotic and voluptuous beauty of the local woman! Does your wife Jenny have a twin sister?

Cowlinch: Afraid not. Boom Boom.

Chevalier: Quelle Domage! Anyways! I have a listed the reasons of the heart for wanting to become a Wuxi Expat. Now I will try to list les raisons de mon raison. Ah, let me count the reason. Un! Your King Gorzo the Mighty. He is a true Roi-Soleil. Deux! l'année de l'arme à feu or la firearm! Trois! Your Admiral Lloyd Bridges! Un véritable homme de mer! Quarte! Your Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan! Cinq! Gambay's! La meilleure pub et un café à Wuxi. I hope you don't mind my speaking the French! I get emotional when I talk about Wuxi. I slip into talking ma langue maternelle!

Cowlinch: No problem. Boom Boom. True Wuxi Expats, that is the one who read my blog, are very literate. They have no problem understanding your French.

Chevalier: So kind of you. You would like to try a Gitanes!

Cowlinch: Sure! J'aime fumer des cigarettes d'autres personnes!

Chevalier: Oh! So you can speak a little French! [Chevalier lights two cigarettes using the flintlock from his Versailles Dueling Pistol, and hands one to Cowlinch.]

Cowlinch: I spent the majority of my primary school days in the province of Quebec.

Chevalier: That makes it even more amazing. Do you want to continue the interview completely in Francais.

Cowlinch: Sorry. We can't. We have readers who haven't forgiven your countrymen for liking Jerry Lewis and so refuse to learn French.

Chevalier: Touchez. That is true. You want to hear more of mes raisons de ma raison?

Cowlinch: I would like to, but I am afraid we only have an hour. Jenny needs me to do some shopping soon. Could you tell me what you think of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

Chevalier: ARCHDUKE SIR HARRY MOORE! Quelle fantastique, viril, élégant, beau, intelligent, articulé, humain et les honnêtes gens! [From his holsters, Chevalier pulls out his Colt Single-Action Army Revolver and his .38 Special Police Revolver, expending all the rounds into the air. He then reloads his two pistols to continue his frenzy of celebratory gunfire. Fortunately, the office ceilings have been designed to withstand celebratory gun fire. Suddenly, an elevator doors opens and into the office, rides Ambrose “Tex” McCoy on his mare Jezebelle.]

McCoy: Is this a gun fight or is that my good old French buddy Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier getting excited at the mention of Archduke Sir Harry Moore?

Chevalier: Eh bien, si ce n'est pas mon temps Texas ami Tex McCoy! Comment faites-vous mon bon vieux copain?

McCoy: Je fais fort belle. Et vous Français?

Chevalier: Absolument merveilleux. Il est si bon de te voir. [Chevalier pulls off the rifles he has slung on his back and hands one to McCoy. They proceed to engage in a frenzy of celebratory gunfire.]

Cowlinch: Hey Tex! I didn't know you could speak French.

McCoy: Well Doggies! Didn't I tell ya? I was born in Paris, Texas. Everyone speaks French and Texan there. That's why its call Paris, Texas. Haw. Haw.

Cowlinch: Tex! How did you and Boom Boom meet?

McCoy: How about I let Boom Boom tell the story. It is his interview after all. Just let me apologize for barging in on it.

Chevalier: Tex is a man of the most impeccable manners, and let me tell you Tex, you can never interrupt. When you come onto a scene, you bring le soliel avec vous!

McCoy: Oh schucks! Boom Boom, you are too kind. Tell him the story of how we meet.

Chevalier: Bien sûr. First. Would you two like to try some Seitaines?

Cowlinch and McCoy: They still make them?

Chevalier: I have my own private supply. [Chevalier pulls out three Seitaines and lights them with the flintlock of Ketland brass barrel smooth bore pistol. He then gives a cigarette each to McCoy and Cowlinch.]

Cowlinch: Would you like to try some Crown Royal Whiskey?

McCoy: Oooo eeeee! You know it a right special occasion when the normally parsimonious blogger Andrew Cowlinch is sharing his whiskey!

Cowlinch: Now, now, Ambrose. You are mixing me up with the Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher. ET Kaulins is the parsimonious one.

McCoy: Oh! Many pardons!

[Cowlinch distributes three big tumblers and fills them to the rim with Crown Royal.]

Cowlinch: A toast to His Majesty, the King of Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty!

Chevalier, McCoy, Cowlinch: To His Majesty, the King of Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty! [They clink their tumblers and down their whiskeys in a jiffy.] Aaahhhh!!

[The three tumblers are tossed in the air, and McCoy shots all three in quick succession with his Smith and Wesson. Cowlinch then distributes three more big tumblers and fills them to the rim with Crown Royal.]

Cowlinch: To Archduke Sir Harry Moore!

Chevalier, McCoy, Cowlinch: To Archduke Sir Harry Moore! [They clink their tumblers and down whiskeys in a jiffy.] Aaahhhh!!

Chevalier: Soon to be Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore, Emeritus. [They again toss their tumblers in the air, and this time, Chevalier, using his 38 Special, shots all three tumblers in mid-air.]

McCoy: Okay. Boom Boom! You tell Cowlinch how we meet up! I have to go. My wife Jing Jing has some chores for me. [McCoy jumps on his mare Jezebelle, gets her to stand on her hind legs while he lifts his cowboy hat off his head. He then kicks Jezzebelle and they leap out the office window.] Adios!!!!!

Cowlinch: Oh my. They just jumped out of a 89^th floor window.

Chevalier: No problemez!! Jezabelle has wings.

Cowlinch: Phew! Can you tell me how you meet Tex?

Chevalier: I met Tex in Paris, Texas when I was recruiting for the French Foreign Legion. We required fluent French speakers with a passion for firearms and let me tell you, Tex filled the bill. We were so impressed with him, that we immediately made him a Marshall and we gave him his own regiment: Les Premières Archiduc Sir Harry Moore Elite Grenadiers. When we discovered that Tex also spoke fluent Mandarin and Cantonese, we then gave him his own division: La Première Division blindée Elite Bardot Briggette. Together, Marshall McCoy, I, the then Eight Star General Gorzo the Mighty, and the then General Sir Harry Moore played key roles in commanding the guerrilla forces that succeeded in toppling the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi.

Cowlinch: That is quite a story. It fills my heart with Wuxi Expat patriotism. Would you like to try a Export “A” Green Pack cigarette?

Chevalier: Avec plaisir. The Export “A” Green Pack is what I smoke when I am in le Belle Province.

Cowlinch: You mean Quebec.

Chevalier: Well I don't mean Ontario. [Chevalier has a five minute chortle.]

Cowlinch: Now can you tell me when.... [Cowlinch hesitates]

Chevalier: When....

Cowlinch: Ah... when you first meet...

Chevalier: My wife Gabrielle Bardot De Gualle..

Cowlinch: No! When you meet...

Chevalier: you mean?

Cowlinch: Yes! The Archduke Sir Harry Moore!!!

Chevalier: ARCHDUKE SIR HARRY MOORE! Merveilleux, impressionnant, spectaculaire, grand, redoutable, comme un dieu, fantastique, spectaculaire, élégant! Quelle fantastique, viril, élégant, beau, intelligent, articulé, humain et les honnêtes gens! [From his holsters, Chevalier pulls out his Colt Single-Action Army Revolver and his .38 Special Police Revolver, expending all the rounds into the air. He then reloads his two pistols to continue his frenzy of celebratory gunfire. Fortunately, the office ceilings have been designed go withstand celebratory gun fire. Suddenly, elevator doors open and into the office, floats His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty.]

Gorzo: Is this a gun fight or is that my good old comrade in arms Dominique “Boom Boom” Chevalier getting excited at the mention of Archduke Sir Harry Moore? [The sight of His Majesty causes Cowlinch and Chevalier to fall to the ground and kow tow.]

Cowlinch: I am not worthy, Your Majesty!

Chevalier: Je ne suis pas digne de votre majesté!

Gorzo: Oh fellows! Stop that! I just wanted to make sure everybody was safe!

Cowlinch: Thank you, Your Majesty!

Chevalier: Merci Beaucoup, votre majeste!

Gorzo: Don't forget the accent on majesté!

Chevalier: I am amazed that you caught that.

Gorzo: Anyway, glad to see everything is safe around. Queen Ayira wants me to hang the laundry she has just washed. Maybe, I see you fellows at Gambay's tonight.

Chevalier and Cowlinch: If our wives let us! [Gorzo floats out of the office. Chevalier and Cowlinch return to their feet.] Thank you. Your Majesty!

Cowlinch: Now. Where were we? Let's talk about you-know-who.

Chevalier: I first saw the Archduke in Paris. At the foot of the Eiffel tower, he was delivering one of his award-winning lectures on the movies involving the French foreign legion. At the end of the lecture, all of us in the audience threw our berets in the air, and for the first time in the history of France, we formed a conga line, and before you could say Black Jack Shellack, the line stretched from Montremarte to the Palace at Versailles. Since that day, there has been a movement afoot to change the French National Day from Bastille Day to Archduke Sir Harry Moore Film Lecture Day. Anyway, it was my great fortune to meet Harry after the lecture. Strangely, he was worried that about the enthusiasm that we French people had for him. He was worried that the French attraction to him was like that they felt for Jerry Lewis. I assured him that it wasn't and that his appeal was universal. He then gave me the great opportunity to organize his lectures in Albania, Madagascar, and Amarillo, Texas. They were so well received that the he never again compared himself to Jerry Lewis. And it was at Amarillo, that Tex McCoy first laid eyes on the Archduke. It was also there that I adopted the healthy and pleasant habit of firing my weapons in the air at the mention of the Archduke's name.

Cowlinch: What a wonderful story. Would you like to have another cigarette?

Chevalier: What brand?

Cowlinch: DuMaurier Special Lights?

Chevalier: How about something stronger.

Cowlinch: Camels unfiltered?

Chevalier: Now, you are talking. [Cowlinch lights the two Camels using a zippo lighter with the shape of a 44 magnum as used by Clint Eastwood.]

Cowlinch: It it true that you and you-know-who were in the French Foreign Legion.

Chevalier: Yes we were. For a brief time, during the dark years of the reign of the former King of Wuxi, and when the Archduke was in the midst of a lover's tiff with the future Mrs. Miss Moneypenny. The Archduke was a crack shot and an excellent motivator of men. His knowledge of ten Albanian dialects made him the commander of le premier régiment Albanais. The Archduke was honorably discharged from the legion with the rank of Marshall and awarded Le Legion D'honneur 

Cowlinch: My God. Is there nothing that the Archduke can't do.

Chevalier: Nothing.

[There is a knock on the door.]

Cowlinch: Who is it?

[Archduke Sir Harry Moore enters the room wearing dancing shoes and a French Foreign Legion uniform.]

Moore: It is I.

Chevalier: Comment êtes-vous mon ami?

Moore: Très bon. I am in a mood for a song. [In walks an orchestra conducted by Nelson Riddle.] Hit her! Boys! [The band begins playing the French Foreign Legion song made popular by Frank Sinatra, music by Guy Wood, lyrics by Aaron Schroeder.] Join in, Boom Boom?

Chevalier: But, of course.

Moore and Chevalier [Singing and Tap Dancing]:

If you turn me down once more, I'll join the French Foreign Legion
Bet you, they would welcome me with open arms

First you love me, yes, then you love me, no
I don't know where I stand

Do we march together down the isle
Or do I march that desert sand?

If you think I won't find romance in the French Foreign Legion
Think about that uniform with all its charm

Just one more time, are you gonna be mine or au revoir cheri
It's the French Foreign Legion for me

Now, if you think I won't find romance in the French Foreign Legion
Think about that uniform with all its charm

Just one more time, are you gonna be mine or au revoir cheri
It's the French Foreign Legion for me!

Cowlinch: On that note, I will end the interview. Thanks Boom Boom. Thanks Harry.

WCE Gearing-Up to Celebrate June 28th, 100 Years Anniversary

           Government officials in the Wuxi China Expatdom are working day and night in preparation for the 100th anniversary of the Assassination of Archduke Franz Fedinand, on June 28th.

No specific theme has been decided yet, however members of at least 328 Expat firearm-clubs are
expected to partcipate in the three-day festivities. A special Committee has proposed that a week-long holiday be called.  Senior WCE sources anticipate an influx of around 1.8 billion overseas visitors.

Last night, the organising-Committee caused a sensation with the announcement that BONO will lead a marathon stage-concert, commencing at midnight on June 27th.  BONO will be backed by
a 128-member orchestral ensemble, Keith Richards, the Nanjing Expat Bongo Club, and at least
28,000 choirboys from Expatdoms all over the world, including the Sarajevo YMCA.

Festivities will begin with the biggest fireworks display in history, a march-past of the WCE's Armed Forces, the official opening by Gorzo the Mighty, and then the musical concert for the following three days.   Insiders are tipping that Keith Richards will play his specially-composed new riff, loosely-based on "Keep the Home Fries Burning".   Members of the 1912 Bar District Smith and Wesson Shooter's Club have indicated that they will perform a rendition of "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do" using massed volleys of .45's.

Local Expats have expressed generally-positive feelings about this year's event. Andis Kaulins, President of the WCE Elite Expats Association (WCEEEA), said that, as a keen historian, it is a day that must be accorded full dignity and remembrance.

A notable exception to the enthusiastic Expats has been Archduke Harry Moore, who reportedly
makes high-speed departures every time journalists attempt to seek his opinions on the up-coming festivities.

"So You Think You Know All About the WCE Army, Ehh?" - a new Quiz, by General Colonel Harlan B.Sanders

No One Messes with Wuxi Expat Super Models During the 2014 Year of the Firearm in Wuxi, China

U.S. Presidential Historian: Obama Administration Plagued by Lack of Good Wuxi China Expat Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonators

Michael Richard Beschloss , one of the leading historians of U.S. Presidency, tells the Wuxi China Expatdom blog that the Administration of Barack Obama is currently floundering because it does have any credible Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonators.

“To be fair, the Obama Administration has been trying their best to do Wuxi Expat impersonations.” said Beschloss. “The members of the administration have not been so willfully blind as to not see or ignore the incredible personal qualities that most Wuxi Expats possess. It is just that the Wuxi Expats they have chosen to impersonate include Duston Short, the short, squat troll-like figure who can't hold down an English Teaching Job because of his perpetual tardiness; former Nudist Party leader Iggy Poop whose economic policies they have chosen to try an implement with the expected lack of success; and the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor who loved chocolate covered caramels, stealing candy from babies, kidnapping children, and worshiped Paul Krugman.”

“The recent failure of Obamacare has awaken the administration to the fact that their Wuxi Expat Impersonation polices had been wrong-headed. So there is currently a big push by members of the administration to implement an Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation policy. The problem for them is that no Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonator worth his salt would be caught in the same room or even the same continent as Obama supporters, let alone Obama Administration members! A Harry Moore Impersonator has caller identification on his phone and will ignore their calls. So, the Administration has been forced to try and make the likes of vice president Joe Biden, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sibelius, House of Representative Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Secretary of State John Kerry, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and President Obama himself into Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonators.”

“One would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to not see how bad these impersonations has been. Russian leader Putin is laughing at Obama and Kerry. The Pope was visibly annoyed when Obama tried impersonating Archduke Sir Harry Moore during the president's recent visit to the Vatican.”

Asked if there was any chance that the Obama Administration could do a reasonable Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation, Bechloss chortled, nearly choking on his water. Recovering his breath, the historian said: “They have a better chance of teaching elephants to fly or getting Obama to understand economics!”

New 'Tex-pat', Tex McCoy in Conversation with Archduke Harry Moore

After their arrival last month, the colourful and nimble Ambrose “Tex”
 McCoy and his stunning mare, ‘Jezebelle’ have captured the imagination of the entire Expatdom.

Archduke Harry Moore was keen to meet them, and in their interview, Tex describes
his initial experiences, and feelings of being an Expat-Texan in Wuxi. The interview was conducted outside the tea-house, at Lihu.

HM: Wonderful to meet you at last, Mr McCoy. I hope that you and Jezebelle are both very well?

Tex:  (waves hands, and six-guns) Why, none of that formal ‘mister’ stuff, call me Tex! Yep, both me and Jez, we are more than happy here in the WCE. Woo-eeee,  if that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.

HM: I was wondering if you and Jezebelle had an opportunity to spend some time at Lake Taihu, where our own Andis Kaulins recently won the Big Wave Surf epic?

Tex: Ohh, shoot, yeah! An’ let me tell ya,  even though we Texican folks see lots of big things, well, that wave that Andis slithered down, just never seen anything like that before.
Me not being a surferin’ type person, hard to imagine. Yes sir, that Andis Kaulins, he has got more guts than you could hang on a fence! (fires both revolvers in the air).

HM: He certainly is fearless. Tex, can you tell me a little about your life before you came here, and perhaps, what it was that attracted you to be here in the Expatdom?

Tex: Yup, love to. But first, I know that you aint a drinkin’ person, Archdook, but if its ok with you, I’ll just sip a little of this firewater (knocks back three shots in a row).
Let me see, must’ve been around four year ago. My young nephew, ‘Scrup’ McCoy, he is one of these people who know about computer things. Confess neither Jez nor I aint never had use of such-like. So Scrup shows me his computer doo-hickey one night, and it’s a story on there all about this-here Woo-shia Chy-neese ‘Spatdom!

HM: So, you mean, you looked at the website, Andis Kaulins’ Wuxi China Expatdom?
What was in the news here, at that time?

Tex: If I remember correctly, ‘twas something about that varmint, that Ayatella, and there was a whole posse of you folks chasing him clean across Canada. (By the way, Harry, would you happen to have a spare cheroot on you?)  Got a man to thinkin, like, we hafta take a look at the WCE sometime.

HM: And here you both are, wonderful! But it must have an emotional wrench, for both of you, leaving Texas?

Tex: That is so right, amen to that. But, just because a chicken has wings don’t mean it can fly.
 Gotta admit I was inspired by the most beautiful lady here on God’s Earth.  Yes sir, Mrs Barbara Bush, our First Lady back home.  One night on the prairie, settin by the campfire, I picked up some local radio station, and that was how I heard Mrs Bush talking. (dabs eye with bandana). Well, so here we are, and me and Jez is living proof that there’s more than one way to break a dog from sucking eggs! (knocks back four shots of whiskey in a row).

HM: (scratches head)  Yes, and I’m told that you are a fan of James Stewart, and Western movies?

Tex: (fires guns in the air) Aint that the truth! (spits loudly).

HM: Tell me, Tex, have you, and Jez, sampled the Wuxi nightlife yet? Any restaurants, bars, special social events?

Tex: Glad you mentioned that. Matter of fact, only last week Jezebelle and I nosed-in to your
Pink and Red Cat-thing-amee place. Oh, but no, I don’t mean no pink lace type, cat-place like that, no sir! (chortles).

HM:  Oh, of course, you mean the famous Expat café and bar, the Pink Kitty. And how was it?

Tex: Well, me being a shy, retiring type, a man didn’t know which way to turn, at first. But then I felt two big, fat, warm, wet and hairy paws grip me tightly around my…

HM: You got the famous Wally Droop welcome!

Tex: (fires revolvers for 45 seconds and knocks back countless shots of sarsaparilla).

Yeeee-HAH! Only been there two seconds and straight away we was like brothers! But first he made sure he got a fresh nosebag, for Jezebelle, before we sat down to play cards. Harry, I gotta tell you, that the WCE is a magic-land. Y’see, I’m from the wide-open plains, deep in the heart of. And, just down the road a spell you got Nature’s finest gentleman, Andis Kaulins, a man, and I do mean a REAL man, from the big-sky country of Manitoba, and he’s got plenty of arrows in his quiver. And then there is you, from Australia, so, heck, we is talking the same language, sure as pigs get fat. Mind you, I had some trouble getting m’self home that night, from the Pink Cactus, let me tell ya. But a whole swag of right-friendly Australian and Canadian boys helped me get into a taxi-cab, and oh golly, the noise was like someone wrestling a bear in a telephone-booth!

(could you spare me another cheeroot, while I’m at it?)

HM: One last question, Tex, as I know you’ve got to get back to your wrangling,  is to ask what your next moves might be here in the WCE?

Tex: Jezebelle and me, we got a thing about having a place of our own, you know, a place where I can hang m’ boots every night. So right now, we is lookin’ at buying ourselves a spread, oh, maybe ten thousand acres, up at HuiShan. Beautiful lush green valley, cedars, a stream, stars at night, yes sir, that’ll be our homestead…

HM (interrupts) HuiShan? Well, then you’ll be neighbours of Andis Kaulins, if you settle- down there, at Hui Shan!

Tex:  Lick that calf again? You, you, you mean,  - me, she, him, us,  - neighbours of Mister Andis Kaulins?     Woooo-wooooo hoooooo-weeeee!! Yip, yip, yippey, yi-ayee!! (turns to horse) Hear that, Jez, we and Andis Kaulins, all up on our ranch, at HuiShan! (Jez rears, snorts, snuffles, excitedly).  Catch you later, Dook, we got HuiShan ranch-buyin’ to do! I’ll charge hell with a bucket of ice-water!