Why Do My Students Think That I'm Tough?

Ask a Wuxi Expat #2

This is the second of a series on the street interviews where we ask Wuxi Expats questions on matters of great import.

Question #2: What is your favorite thing to do in Wuxi?

Andrew Cowlinch, Blogger and English Teacher: Go trainspotting in the Hui Shan District with my son Bam Bam.

Lloyd Bridges, Admiral and Taihu Life Guard: Go surfing on the 100 meter tall waves of Lake Taihu!

Duston Short, English Teacher and #7 Hospital Patient: Being thrown into the canals near Nanchang Jie Street.

Wally Droop, Wuxi Expat Pub Owner: Dressing like a woman and hanging out at the docks at the Lake Taihu Freeport.

Sir Alec Guinness, Consultant: Climbing the 50,000 meter high Hui Shan mountain in Xi Hui Park.

Sugar Candy, English Teacher: Visiting the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame. I love climbing all over the life-sized gold and diamond encrusted nude statue of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

Warmer Weather prompts WCE Authorities to Employ Naturist Traffic Cops

"Nothing Could Be Finer, Than When Tanking in China!" say Wuxi Expats

Wuxi Expat Pub to have a Bowl of Pus Promotion

The Pink Kitty is to have a bowl of pus promotion every Wednesday from 6:00 PM till when the last drunk staggers out the door.

Wally Droop, the Pink Kitty owner, announced the promotion at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion II in the Nanchang Jie Bar Street of Wuxi China.

“Buy one of our regularly priced drinks at double the price, and you will get a free bowl of pus produced by me, my son Wesley, or Duston Short, who produces a lot of pus for a man only five foot, four inches tall! This pus will be 100 percent authentic. It will be yellow-white, more or less viscid, and produced by suppuration as found in abscesses, and sores. Just like your mother used to make! And it will be served with a bowl of taco chips for dipping!” said Droop to the packed auditorium.

Asked how he thought the promotion could work, given that he was asking customers to pay twice as much for beer in order to get a free bowl of liquid human refuse, Droop said that the promotion had proved to be a great hit in Expat pubs in Suzhou and Shanghai.

“Suzhou and Shanghai Expats will pay top dollar for pus these days. It is all the rage. So we Wuxi Expats, must of course must keep up with the times!” said Droop.

Movie Review by Wuxi, China's Greatest Movie Expert

WUXI CHINA EXPATDOM     May 26, 2014

Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus, attended a special screening of the Invisible Woman, and has generously shared his comments for us here -

" I've followed the career of Ralph Fiennes for several years of course. He shows great promise as an actor, and now, as a director.     On Saturday I was passing through Xue Gian Dong Lu (on my way to a photoshoot at Taihu), so, spent 90 minutes viewing Mr Fienne's latest offering.

"In the lobby, I recognized many of my dear, dear friends, such as Marty, Steven, Bobby De Niro, Meryl the sweetie, Al Baby, and too many other cineastes to name here. After some idle chit-chat I headed inside to watch the curtain go up on this film.

"Admit that I felt tentative-anxiety over this narrative. I am pretty sure that Sir Charles Dickens never really did engage in such dirty-old-man behaviours at all. Frankly, I believe it may be a load of codswallop.   Still, I managed to stay engaged, whilst enjoying a few ice-creams, the ones with the chocolate coating on top. You know, the ones they sell at cinemas. When you take a bite, the chocolate fragments, and spills all down the front of your immaculate, clean white pants. So, in the intermission, you have to go into the bathroom, grab about a dozen paper towels, soak them in water, then furiously scrub the spilled chocolate off your pants, simultaneously worrying that some other guys don't walk in there just at that exact moment and see what you're doing.

"The film's lens-work is fine. With my pair of opera glasses, I had a great view of the ladies ample bosoms. Loved Fagin's stained teeth.   Casting is good. I forgave the trivial technical goof when Dickens' (i.e. Fienne's) fake beard fell-off, just at the dramatic moment when he and Oscar Wilde were out walking with the dandies, in Soho Square.

 But half-way through, after I returned from the Men's room with the front of my pants soaked in water, it suddenly struck me. This movie's subtext is a metamophoric allusion to a person who isn't really 'there'. That is, a person who is 'invisible' in the sense that they simply defy all definitions of 'modesty'.

"Andis Kaulins is the Invisible Man of Wuxi. He self-effaces himself. He air-brushes, erases, himself out of social interactions. Time and time again, Expats find that they've received some generous dollop of friendly help, and when they turn to thank Andis Kaulins, he waves their 'thank-you's' away with a sweeping gesture. He remains real and present, yet invisible.

"After the closing-credits rolled, I hailed Ralph Fiennes in the lobby and told him of this. Ralph was taken-aback, holding his head in his hands. 'Ohhh, noooo!! I've made the wrong movie!", he wailed.   Ralph grabbed his Blackberry, got hold of the studio, and instantly began drafting a new shooting script. His next movie will focus on Andis Kaulins' 'invisibility'. His role will not be played by anyone. Instead, Ralph and I are going to produce a series of subtitles.

A WCE Exclusive! Wuxi Expat Blogger Andrew Cowlinch Interviews Elite Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins.

Wuxi China Expatdom blogger Andrew Cowlinch recently interviewed the reclusive Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins. The interview was conducted at Kaulins's secluded forty story villa on the shores of Lake Taihu.

AC: I want to thank Andis for allowing me an interview.

AK: That Mister Kaulins to you! How come you didn't kow-tow?

AC: I'm sorry... Mister Kaulins. [Cowlinch prostrates himself in a pool of mud for twenty minutes before AK permits him to arise and ask another question.]

AK: Ha Ha. I was playing a trick on you.

AC: Oh.

AK: Anyway. Come on. Ask me your questions.

AC: Why do you have a trampoline in this room?

AK: Wait for it. All will be revealed.

AC: Ah......

AK: [Kaulins taps his forehead in the posture of one having a sudden recollection.] Oh! Oh! Oh! One thing! You don't mind if I have Nielson Riddle and his Orchestra accompany me in some of my answers? My friend Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus is out of town today, and he said that Nielson and his band, who performed with Frank Sinatra on most of his greatest albums, could accompany me during the day. [In the distance, the sound of celebratory gunfire can be heard in response to the mentioning aloud of SASHME's name.]

AC: Sure... First, I would like you to help unconfuse me and the readers about which Andis Kaulins you are. I have heard that there are two or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom. One of them maybe teaches English, one of them writes a blog, one of them is an elite expat, and one of the three is very unpopular with the other Wuxi Expats. Which Andis Kaulins are you?

AK: You know I get confused myself. But I will tell you what I know and what I know to be true. I came to Wuxi to work as a consultant to a Trappist Monastery that was being set up in the Meicun District. Shortly after, I was made the president of the Wuxi Elite Expat Association, and I still serve in that capacity, presiding over the WEEA congress. I didn't seek the position, and in fact, my Catholic religion is more important to me, but I am often called the Andis Kaulins who is the elite expat. Really, I would like to be thought of as the Trappist Monk Andis Kaulins, but the label elite has been so often applied to me that I don't wish to put anyone out by changing it to Trappist. This is what now I do: I work as a Trappist Monk from Monday to Friday, nine to five, and on the weekends, I like to tend the gardens here at my Villa as well as do maintenance on the forty storey building I got here. I don't much mix with other Wuxi Expats, like say the Wuxi Sexpats or the Andis Kaulins who they say is a blogger or the Andis Kaulins who they say is an English teacher. Now the Andis Kaulins who is a blogger at AKIC and the Andis Kaulins who teaches English may be the same person or could be two persons but I haven't meet him or them so I couldn't tell you for sure.

AC: Well. The answer does at least eliminate half of the confusion. I see I will have to track down the other Andis Kaulins or the other two Wuxi Expats named Andis Kaulins and try to settle the issue of whether there are two people named Andis Kaulins in the Wuxi China Expatdom or three people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Now what do you think of the other Andis Kaulins or the other people named Andis Kaulins?

AK: I really hope there is just one because I don't like saying Andis Kaulins's or two people named Andis Kaulins. It is very unpoetic and unlyrical and such a mouthful to say that I sometimes want to be a Trappist Monk on the weekends as well. Anyway, I have read the AKIC blog and I have to say it is full of vileness and bitterness. If I ever meet this AKIC blogger, I would punch him in the nose. He does like to spread a lot of innuendo about some of my acquaintances who are not as flawed as AKIC likes many to think them to be. As for the Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher, I have heard that, like me, he is something of a recluse. For this I can't blame him because if he is also the AKIC blogger, I and other Wuxi expats would do him physical harm. If he isn't the AKIC blogger, I can understand the shame he must feel for being an English teacher. The ET's I have seen in Wuxi are a pathetic looking lot.

AC: True. True. Can I bum a cigarette?

AK: Sorry. I don't smoke.

AC: What!?! Since when!

AK: You are mixing me up with the other(s) Andis Kaulins. How about a couple shots of Crown Royal Whiskey instead?

AC: I'd love it. [AK brings out a couple of glasses and pulls out an uncracked bottle of Crown from a purple bag.]

AK: How would you like your Crown?

AC: With ice and some cola. [Two Pamela Anderson impersonators come into the interview room. One carries a can of cola. The other carries a bucket of ice. AK takes the ice and cola from the girls.]

AK: Certainly. [AK prepares two glasses of Crown, and hands one to AC.}

AC & AK: [They down their drinks quickly.] Aaaahhhh!

AK: You know. In 1957, Frank Sinatra in a concert in Vancouver, Canada, said he loved Seagram's Crown Royal and that he would bathe in the stuff if he could.

AC: I never get tire of hearing that story.

AK: And I never tire of telling it. Anyway It puts me in a mood to sing a Sinatra standard. [AK snaps his fingers.] Hit it boys!!! [Nielson Riddle and band play the opening bars of the Lady is a Tramp.]

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She like the theatre and never comes late
She never bothers with people she hates
That's why the lady is a tramp

Doesn’t like crapgames with sexpats or atheists
Won't go to Meicun in ermine and pearls
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That’s why the lady is a tramp

She like the free fresh wind in her hair, life without care
She's broke and it's oke
Hates Suzhou, it's pretentious and it's damp
That's why the lady is a tramp

AK: Know the words?

AC: Of course.

AC & AK:

She gets too hungry to wait for dinner at eight
She loves the theatre, but never comes late
She'd never bother with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

She'll have no crapgames with sharpies and frogs
And she won't go to Ling Shan in Lincolns or Fords
And she won't dish the dirt with the rest of the broads
That's why the lady is a tramp

She loves the free fresh wind in her hair
Life without care. She's broke but it's oke
Hates Shanghai, it's so primitive and so damp
That's why the lady. that's why the lady
THAT'S WHY THE LADY IS A TRAMP!

[AC and AK take bow and then shake hands.]

AK: Do you want to bathe in some Crown Royal?

AC: Ah. Sure!

AK: Oke. [The two Pamela Anderson Impersonators (PAIs) come with a hundred bottles of Crown Royal which they pour into a bathtub.]

AC: Wow!

AK: Jump in girls! [To AC] The one with the red bikini bottom is mine. You can have the naked Pamela Anderson impersonator sit on your lap.

AC: Oke.

AK: Any more questions?

AC: I try to ask some. [AC finds it hard to concentrate with a naked Pamela Anderson impersonator sitting on his lap.] Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Ah.......... Ah.......... Ah......... Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! How well do you know good old Saint Harry?

AK: Hit it boys! [Sings]

Harry Moore! Harry Moore!

He's a pal of mine!

A real intelligent schnook and raconteur!!!!!!

[Rifle fire can heard to be approaching the Kaulins villa.]

AC: Oh my God! What's that!

AK: That's my good buddy Juan Carlos Boom-Boom from Spain. He is a big fan of Saint Harry and a serious gun enthusiast. He has rented the 25^th to 35^th floors of my villa for the entire 2014 year of the Firearm in China. He likes to fire off celebratory gunfire at the mention of the name of Archduke Sir Harry Moore.

AC: I must interview him!

AK: You will be able to talk to him in a second. He's about to come through the window.

JCBB: [Coming through the window, Boom-Boom, in a fit of ectasy, fires off his colt six shooter, ]¿Alguien dijo Harry Moore San Archiduque Harry Moore es el más magnífico, el más viril, el más inteligente, el más heroico, el más elegante, el más santo y el hombre más varonil en caminar sobre la surfact de gran tierra de Dios! Disparé mis armas y mis fusiles y bazucas y mis mis misiles en un ataque de éxtasis! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! Lo que un hombre magneficent! ¡Sí! ¡Sí! ¡Gracias a Dios! ¡Gracias a Dios! Gracias Gorzo el Poderoso! Harry Moore es como un arma de fuego magneficent!

AK: ¿Cómo estás mi buen amigo!

JCBB: ¡Maravilloso!

AK: ¿Cómo es su bella esposa?

JCBB: Bueno. Ella le envía sus mejores deseos!

AK: Por favor, ver a mi amigo, el blogger Andrew Cowlinch

JCBB: How are you most esteemed sir! I read your blog all the time. I am a great fan! Thank you for standing up for gun rights!

AC: Thank you. Thank you.

JCBB: Please continue with your interview with mi amigo. I will admire the beauty of the young ladies you are bathing with.

AC: Okay. Andis, is you basic world view, optimistic or pessimistic?

AK: To quote David Warren: Of course, I am a pessimist in all worldly matters. We will run out of Crown Royal. These girls will spend their spare time with young men. It's why I’m always right. It is also why, unlike an optimist, I am able to remain reasonably cheerful; for even on a very bad day, I could always say, “I told you so.” It makes me think of a song. Hit it boys! [Nielson Riddle's orchestra begins to play the music of a famous Peggy Lee song.] Ladies and Gentlemen, you can join me in the chorus!

I remember when I was a very little boy, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my mother's face as she gathered me up
in her arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to the circus, the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And as I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle
I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful girl in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself,

[Cowlinch, Boom-Boom, and the two Pamela Anderson Impersonators join in.]
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is!!!!!!!

[Boom-Boom, Cowlinch, and Kaulins fire off weapons. The girls jump for joy on a trampoline.]

AC: Let's get back to interviewing. How do you know Archduke Sir Harry Moore?

AK: He was a colleague of mine at a Trappist Monastery just outside of Melbourne. Of course, we didn't talk much. But then we got a chance to be extras on the film On the Beach, starring Fred Astaire, Gregory Peck, Anthony Hopkins, and Ava Gardner. Moore and Peck were great pals and they told me about this freedom fighter named Gorzo the Mighty who was fighting the Ayatollah of Mordor in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Gregory and Harry convinced me to become a pilot in the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force. The rest as they say is history...

AC: My god. That is quite the story.

AK: Sure is. You want a shot or two or three of Crown Royal?

AC: Make it three.

AK: How about you ladies?

PAIs: No. We have duties to perform.... Making you happy....

AK: Juan Carlos! ¿Qué tal si mi amigo? ¿Quieres un trago de whisky Crown Royal?

JCBB: Sí. En las rocas por favor.

AK: On the rocks it is. [With the help of the Pamela Anderson Impersonators, Kaulins prepares three drinks, and distributes them. All three lift their glasses to toast.]

AK, AC & JCBB: 干杯！(gambay!) [They down their drinks quickly. AC takes a little longer.] Aaahhh!! [The Pamela Anderson Impersonators gratuitously bounce on the trampoline.]

AC: How about another drink?

AK: Sure. I will have the same.

JCBB: Voy a tener el mismo también.

[AK prepares the drinks and distributes them. They raise their glasses.]

AK: Gentleman, I propose a toast! Señores, les propongo un brindis. To Blessed Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus on his birthday!!

AK, AC & JCBB: To Harry! [They down their drinks.] Ah!!!

[In the distance, celebratory gunfire can be heard on account of the mention of the Blessed Saint Archduke.]

AC: Do I hear a Frenchman?

JCBB: Sí. Se oyen un francés. Es nuestro amigo Dominique "Boom Boom" Chevalier! [Through the window which Juan Carlos Boom-Boom had entered, comes Dominque “Boom Boom” Chevalier. Chevalier is dressed Rambo Style with two belts of ammo strung cross his bare back and chest and camoflague clothing while wearing a Napoleon hat. In both his hands he totes smoking Smith and Wesson revolvers.]

DBBC: Saint archiduc Sir Harry Moore! Quel magnifique virilité! …. [Sees Juan Carlos Boom Boom] Hey! Español Boom Boom! ¿Cómo te va?

JCBB: Je fais bien et vous? [They shake hands.]

AK: Hey you two Booms Booms! Let's sing a song to honor Blessed Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore on his birthday!

AC, JCBB & DBBC: Okay!

AK: Here's a song that must be near and dear to Harry's heart. I can imagine that he and his darling wife the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny sing it at barbecues, when making love, and when ascending the 50,000 meter high summit of Hui Shan. [Hit it boys!]

AK, AC, JCBB & DBBC:

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,

Under the shade of a Coolibah tree,

And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil,

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,

And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Down came a jumbuck to drink at that billabong

Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee,

And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,

And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Up rode the squatter mounted on his thorough-bred

Down came the troopers One Two Three

Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me

Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker-bag

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

[AK does the following passage solo]

Up jumped the swagman sprang in to the billabong

You'll never catch me alive said he,

And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong

You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

[AK, AC, JCBB, & DBBC altogether, arm in arm sing the last verses.]

WALTZING MATILDA WALTZING MATILDA

You'll come a WALTZING MATILDA with me

And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong

YOU'LL COME A WALTZING MATILDA WITH ME.

[The four singers take a bow as the Pamela Anderson Impersonators jump up and down jollily on the trampolines.]

AC: Wow! The Pamela Anderson impersonators jumping during that song must be touching to Australians. It must make them think of Kangaroos. Anyway, I will end the interview here. Good to see you French Boom Boom! Let's make an appointment for an interview Spanish Boom Boom! And I will end by thanking today's guest, the erstwhile Elite Wuxi Expat Andis Kaulins, who is not is be confused with the one or two other people with the Andis Kaulins who may live in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Pamela! I need a massage!

Harry Moore Receives A Note From Moscow

Wuxi Expat Harry Moore's Birthday on May 22: Vatican announces that He and Pope Paul VI to be Beatified in October 2014.

With massive celebrations planned around the world, that will involve billions of people and cost trillions of dollars, for Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus's birthday, the Vatican has decided to join in.

Pope Francis has approved the promulgation of the decree for the cause of beatification of his predecessor Pope Paul VI and of the Wuxi Expat Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus (SASHME). The approval was announced Saturday.

The beatification ceremony is scheduled to take place October 19, 2014, at the conclusion of the III Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops on the family.

Pope Francis made a point of promulgating the announcement before SASHME's birthday on May 22. “I understand that seven billion people around the world celebrate his birthday, and I believe that it is one of the few celebrations in this world in this day and age that God would approve of.”

The beatification is the third step in SASHME's becoming the first ever double saint, alive or dead. Currently, SASHME is the first person to ever to be canonized while not dead.

After he is beatified in October 2014, SASHME will be referred to as The Blessed Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus.

The extraordinary general assembly to be held at the time of SASHME's beatification will determine whether the canonized Blessed Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus will be referred to as Double Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus or Saint to the Power of Two Archduke Sir Harry Moore Emeritus.

Newly-Arrived British Expats Show their Exuberant, Cheerful Emotions, in Wally Droop's Pub

With Temperatures Rising, Wuxi Expats Are Taking Dips in Lake Taihu

Wuxi Jaywalker Pitches Perfect Game against the Suzhou Greenhats

Archduke Harry Moore Sees Orange in Unusual Attempt to Persuade Andis Kaulins to Enter Politics

Wuxi China Expatdom, Saturday May 17,  2014

 In one of the most unorthodox moves ever seen in the Expatdom's political history, Archduke Harry Moore is seeking to lure the prominent Expat English Teacher Andis Kaulins, into politics. Veteran political commentators described the manouvre as "bizarre", yet, if successful, may prove to be an "extremely effective gambit".

Two weeks ago Moore, and several thousands of Expat supporters of Andis Kaulins, took to wearing orange jackets.  Harry Moore explains: "We knew that Andis Kaulins sees and photographs interesting things outside his residence. I thought, 'ok, so if lots of people get around in bright orange lifejackets, Andis can't help notice.'

 "We then formed a nominal group, called the Wuxi China Expatdom Conservative Orange Jackets Association. Tens of thousands of Expats joined-in. English teacher Desiree' Williams (pictured, lower right) was amongst the first to join. We simply walk, and ride bicycles, up and down the street.  I hasten to add that the colour orange is certainly not connected with any left-leaning riff-raff; quite the contrary."

 "The plan", he continued, "is we just keep doing it until Andis Kaulins notices us, and, overcome with curiosity, then he'll come out of the Casa. When he does that, we will disband our group, and, if things go as planned, Andis Kaulins will then establish the fully-fledged party, 'The WCE Christian Conservative Coalition' (WCECCC)".  Our existing thousands, and me, will of course then pledge our cast-iron support to Andis' new party.

"The WCE Parliamentary elections are scheduled for September next, so it is essential that the Kaulins CC Coalition has plenty of time to get out on the hustings.  Lots of candidates are already jockeying for position....this election will be 'no prisoners'.....there's Ivan Fence's Regressive Anarchists Union, the Squeaky-Voiced Jockey Party, the Bar Owner's and Dypsomaniacs Congress Party, The Hui Shan Greens, the German Engineers Oktoberfest Beerdrinker's Alliance, the Rectal Surgeon's Party, the Lake Taihu Expat Flower Arrangers Party, the Gay Rights Mardi Gras Party, the Gaullists, the What Blew Up the Hindenburg Party, the Pirate Party, the Men with Tiny Little Things Party, The IT Wise-Ass Guys, the Come Up and See Me Sometime Party.....oh, the list is endless".

"I've been urging Andis to enter the fray for the past three years. It is his boundless modesty and self-effacing humility that inhibits him. But now we're all saying to him, 'to heck with all that, we need you, AK, to lead us out of the wilderness!'.   All he has to do is to keep looking out of his window, and he'll see what this is all about.  And, Miss Desiree' Williams here says that she can't wait to be serving under Andis Kaulins, in the deputy role", Moore added.      

British Expat Runs on the Field During a Wuxi Jaywalkers -- Suzhou Greenhats Baseball Game

Ask a Wuxi Expat #1

This is the first of a series on the street interviews where we ask Wuxi Expats questions on matters of great import.

Question #1: What is two plus two?

Marcus Linius Crassus, firefighter: [Stares intently]

Wally Droop, Pub Owner: It is four, you bleeping blap blap.

Duston Short, English Teacher: I don't know. Can you let me take off my shoes and count?

Ivan Fence, English Teacher and political progressive: That's a racist question.

Farok Bagolli, English Teacher: Two two-year old makes four. Two ten-year olds make twenty.

Arthur Lord McCluskey, Wuxi Expat Poet Laureate:

What is two plus two?

Who looks like a cariboo?

What is four plus four?

Who is it who doth love you more?

What is eight plus eight?

Doth you want to share my plate?

I have two hands, two feet,

membership in the expat elite.

Beer Poll: WCE's Upper-Class British Expats vote for Blatz, Third Year in a Row

Discovery in the Shanghai Expatdom Astounds World's Scientists

Continuing Use of Fire in Shanghai Expatdom Stimulates Bouyant Property-Market

Suzhou Expats Can't Understand Why Locals Laugh at Them

Former Suzhou Expat Wins the Eurovision Song Contest

Emissaries from the Suzhou, and Shanghai Expatdoms, Commence First Day of Harmonious Trade Talks

Wuxi Expat Blogger Says that Only Eunuchs Will Be Allowed to be Wuxi Metro Train Drivers

Rumors abound in the Wuxi China Expatdom about the Wuxi Metro Line where line #1 construction seems about to be finished.

Some say the line will begin operations in June; some say it will start serving the public in July.

Some say the it will cost three to eight rmb to take the train; others say that it will cost a passenger eight to ten.

Some have said that tunnels on line #2 are to be filled in with cement because of cost overruns.

But the most astounding rumor has come from Wuxi Expat blogger Andrew Cowlinch who says that only Eunuchs will be allowed be drivers on the Wuxi Metro. In an interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog, Cowlinch claimed that he had two of his students told him of the eunuch driver policy. “Two different students in different classes told me of this.” said Cowlinch. “It is not a figment of my wild imagination!”

Lord Kenneth Clark, an expert on China and Metro trains, says there may be something to that rumor. “Contrary to conventional wisdom, Eunuchs did not die out with the fall of the Qing Dynasty. The Chinese, during the warlord and People's Republic, had continued to employ eunuchs and place them in positions where they can have a great deal of influence. Recently, they have sought to reduce the Eunuch influence. I would say that the reasoning behind the Eunuch train driver policy, is that trains run very fixed routes and there is minimal meddling that that eunuchs can do with a subway train route!”

Saint Archduke Sir Harry Moore Inducted into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame

Harry Moore has been inducted into the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame for the third time.

Kennesaw “Hui Shan” Landis, WCEHOF commissioner, announced Moore's unprecedented third induction to a packed media conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 District.

“How cannot we not induct this Wuxi Expat who is only living person to have ever been canonized into the the WCEHOF? I know he has been inducted two times already, but he wasn't canonized those times. And it would be quite the expense to put halos on the hundred thousand Harry Moore Artifacts in the WCEHOF that we have already. So it is best that we induct him a third time and start sticking halos on any more Harry Moore Artifacts that come into the museum's possession. And plus you can think of Saint Archduke Harry Moore Emeritus as having a trinity. The first person of this trinity is the Harry Moore who was a commoner. The second person of this trinity is the Harry Moore who was knighted and made an archduke. The third person, the holy ghost as it were, of this trinity is the Harry Moore who is a saint in our lifetime!”

The Landis announcement sent the assembled members of the media into a frenzied celebration. After much hip-hip-hooraying and clinking of glasses, the members of the media formed a long celebratory conga line and exited the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion and went onto the street. Passersby, whether locals or expatriate, joined the line which was estimated to have been 40 kilometers long at the height of the celebrations.

Landis also told the media that ten square kilometers of ground will be needed for the Saint Moore area of the WCEHOF. Besides the latest state of the art museum exhibits honoring the miracles performed by Saint Moore, ten thousand statues of Moore will be erected. All the statues will be made of gold and encrusted with diamonds. Some of the statues will be up to fifty thousand meters tall and depict Saint Moore in the nude.

Wuxi Expat Pub to Hold AK47 Exotic Dancer Nights Every Tuesday During the 2014 Year of the Firearm in Wuxi, China