Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent approaches Ayatollah of Mordor's Lair.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Steamboat Joseph Conrad that is pursuing the Ayatollah of Mordor, reports that he and his crew have arrived in the Mordorian area of the Winnipeg, Canada

 

In an interview with Orient Express Eye Witness News, Admiral  Bridges said the following:

 

"We have the Joseph Conrad docked, and have entered Mordor.

 

This Mordorian area is a strange land.  It is located in the midst of an urban environment, and yet it seems to be the most isolated place on Earth.  Everywhere, one can see houses made of Smarties boxes, lard statues of Leonard Nimoy, piles of laundry randomly strewn about, and abandoned paperback science fiction novels that are dog-eared and laying cover-upwards beside toilets.  There are also crudely-made signs posted everywhere saying "Big Bro has his eyes on your Chocolate and Crisco." We have so far meet but one person --  Pee Wee Hersailor.

 

This Hersailor is a effeminate combination of lawyer and young adult, with thick saggy jowls and pasty calves. 

 

He had told us that if we played some paper-and-pen games with him, he would take us to the Ayatollah's lair.  These games, he added, would involve having a good knowledge of prime numbers, combinations, permutations, palindromes, chess, and curling -- that was why we brought Ayira: The Chosen One to accompany us.  With four Ph.D.'s, Ayira knows all.

 

While Ayira was playing these games, Gorzo was able to question Hersailor.  We learned that Hersailor was the Ayatollah's number one disciple.  Hersailor and the Ayatollah first meet when they were chosen to do the lead dance together in a Royal Winnipeg Ballet production of Pork Chops and Apple Sauce.  Hersailor boasted that their performance was so successful that the RWB had them dance in a sequel, Snouts and Entrails.  During their time together at RWB, when they weren't performing or rehearsing or learning lines, the Ayatollah and Hersailor talked about food, philosophy, doggie tails, and politics.  They discovered they had a common interest in food and similar political beliefs -- both were admirers of Pierre Trudeau, Fidel Castro, and Mitt Romney.  Hersailor was quite taken with the Ayatollah's idea of an elite ruling class entitled to eat fried foods and chocolate.  This vanguard had a duty to eat chocolate, cake, sweet foods, toffee, licorice, donuts, and caramel treats, said the Ayatollah, so that the proletariat could only eat healthy foods like carrots and celery.

 

Hersailor said that he and the Ayatollah tried to put theory into practice in the Wuxi China Expatdom, but they were thwarted by the efforts of Wuxi Expats like Andis Kaulins, Bishop John Galt, T.E. Lawrence, Pope John Paul II, Teresa of Calcutta, Fred Minkleman, Hans Zimmerman, Harry Moore, Mango, Augustine of Hippo, Lord Nielson, Ronald Reagan, Harlan Sanders, Milton Friedman, Christopher Hitchens, and Samara Yamaguchi.

 

They fled to Winnipeg where they established the Expatdom of Mordor.  They opened a Lard and Ivory trading outpost, and took to making brutal raids of the surrounding territory of competing traders.  The Ayatollah had convinced Hersailor and some  immigrants to worship him as a God.

 

After telling this story, Hersailor laughed madly, then heartily, and then diabolically in alternating high, low, and shrill whines.  He then started to cry, but rallied himself so that he was laughing but it was a fake sort of laugh, you could tell.  Again, Hersailor could not hold back the tears, and cried and then suddenly in a fit of ecstasy yelled Hello Sailor Boy! and How are you squishy squishy aardvark ski doo!  He then cried and started barking like a mad dog.  He then suddenly went lawyer-like and began to drone on and on and on, asking the women of the jury to be his mommy.  Callahan, had about as much of that as he could take, and with his one good arm punched Hersailor all the way to Nunavik.

 

Only problem with that is we don't have a guide now.  As well, we were not able to asceratin the Ayatollah's current state of mind.  We will have to rely on Minkleman's keen sense of smell to track the Ayatollah down and on Gorzo's knowledge of human nature to deal with him when we do!"

Australia's Kevin Rudd Travels to WCE to Join In WCE Trio Celebrations

Australian Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd flew-out of Canberra today on his
way to the WCE. He told the assembled media that it was "a matter
of utmost-importance that I join in the celebrations for the
recently-returned WCE Trio. It is also an opportunity to cement
the relationship between us".

"Wo ze Expatdom. Wo shi Ayaodalliyah laoban", he articulated.

Reverting to English, Minister Rudd said he would prefer not to
comment on the on-going manhunt for the Ayatollah of Mordor.
"It is not a matter of protocol for me to intrude into
such matters", he said. "However", he continued, "I've been in contact with my Canadian counterpart, PM Stephen Harper, and representatives of the
RCMP. They are keeping-me fully-briefed, hourly, on the increasingly-tense
situation that is unfolding there."

Minister Rudd said that the cause of justice is not a negotiable-instrument.
He said that the current Expatdom-Australian relationship "reflects a mature,
pro-active, productive, progresssive, peaceful, and mutually-beneficial
bond between our peoples."

Rudd said that during the regime of the former KoW, that that precious-relationship had been de-stabilized and threatened, and had "in fact, sunk to an all-time low."

"What the former KoW had forgotten", Minister Rudd went on, "was that leadership is somewhat like a finely-crafted, well-tuned, Stradivarius violin - and it must be played with due-respect, even reverence. The Expatdom's former leader had instead 'played' leadership like a wildly-wailing gee-tar!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Inspector Harry Callahan injured in ambush attack on WCERN Joseph Conrad.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the WCERN Steamboat Joseph Conrad, in an exclusive interview with Orient Express, done via satellite phone, has revealed that it was crew member WCE Inspector Harry Callahan who was injured when their boat was ambushed by lard-arrow shooting ruffians.  The Joseph Conrad is currently cruising the Assiniboine River to Winnipeg to apprehend the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, who is wanted in connection with  crimes that have been committed against good taste and chocolate in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

 

Said Admiral Bridges, "Callahan's two legs, right arm, and fibula were broken in the ambush.  However, Callahan is not letting this stop him from doing all the heavy duties on the steamboat.  In fact, Callahan, using his one good arm, was able to capture all the ruffians who ambushed us.  They have provided useful intelligence about where the Ayatollah of Mordor is currently hiding."

Wuxi Expat wears stilts when using the toilet.

Former movie star, and now English Teacher Wuxi Expat Tom Cruise has taken to wearing stilts when he uses western "sitting" toilets.

 

The diminutive Expat, who is only four and a half feet tall,  became tired of being called "Little Has Been" and "Tiny Tom" by his fellow English teachers, and as well being called "Xiao Di Di" and "Xiao Pengyou" by his students. He, in desparation, took to wearing 18 inch high stilts.  Later, he read of the benefits of squatting to poo which included no hemorrhoids and smoother exiting stools, and so realized that no longer would he have to take off his stilts and climb on the toilet seat.  Said Cruise, "It was a revelation to know that I could just walk over the toilet, using my stilts, and squat to do my business!"

 

Added Cruise, "Nothing puts an end to short jokes like reminding my fellow teachers about lack Preparation H in China!!"

Wuxi China Prime Minister Mango says the answer to the world's problems is blowing in the wind.

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, in response to questions from Opposition Leader Iggy Poop, said that the answer to the world's problems was "blowing in the wind."

 

During question period of a rare Sunday session of the Wuxi China Expatdom parliament, Nudist Poop asked Naturist PM Mango 'How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man? And how many seas must a white dove sail, before she sleeps in the sand?  And how many times must the cannonballs fly, before they are forever banned?"

 

PM Mango responded, "The answer, my honorable friend, is blowing in the wind.  The answer is blowing in the wind!"

 

Poop, the leader of the Opposition Nudist Party continued to press the PM, asking "How many years must a mountain exist, before it is washed to the sea?  And how many years can some people exist, before they're allowed to be free?   And how many times can a man turn his head, and pretend that he just doesn't see?  And how many times must a man look up, before he can see the sky?  And how many years must one man have, before he can hear people cry?  And how many deaths will it take till he knows, that too many people have died?"

 

Prime Minster Mango, leader of the Naturist Party responded, "Wonderful questions, most honorable Poop!  But again, I say the answer, all my friends, is blowing in the wind.  The answer is blowing in the wind!  The winds of the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Little Ollie "Not Very Happy" in the WCE

The advancement of public education was one of
but-many sweeping reforms introduced by PM Mango when he
assumed high-office last year.
Education in the WCE had been badly-neglected (some
have described it as 'criminal-neglect') during the
regime of the former KoW.

A student-exchange program has now been instituted,
the 'Student Abroad Program', or SAP.

Ten day's ago Nudist Party Leader Iggy Poop's teenage
daughter, Dottie, travelled to Russia, to spend three months
studying at the Anton Checkhov Institute, in Tomsk.

Mr and Mrs Poop reciprocated by hosting a young Russian boy,
Oleg (Ollie) Nokimov, who arrived in the Expatdom last week.

Last night on a WCE Radio-4UE's talkback program, little Ollie
was interviewed by the evergreen host, Edgar Cronkite (no relation).

In an emotional, at-times heart-rending dialogue, young Ollie said
that whilst he was grateful for the opoortunity to live and study in the
WCE, he was struggling with pangs of homesickness.

"I like this Expatdom", he snuffled, "but nobody here seems to like
playing chess. I never hear any balalaika music anywhere here, and there are
no old movies about Rasputin, or Sputniks, on your TV channels!".

Also, looking out my bedroom window at Mr and Mrs Poop's home, I see
fields of green - don't you have beautiful views of cadmium smelters like
we have back home, here?".
He told host Cronkite that there is one thing that he does enjoy here in the WCE.
"Yes, I love all those adorable monkeys you have here, down in
your Nineteen Thousand and Twelve Bar street!".

This morning Iggy Poop said that he had been in contact with little Ollie's family,
in Russia to discuss the boy's unhappiness. Poop said that the boy's
uncle, Vanya, would be arriving in the WCE in the next few days.

"Uncle Vanya", Poop went on, "hails from Leningrad. He is coming here to
assist with little Ollie's adjustment to life here in the WCE. Also,
Uncle Vanya will be keen to meet with fellow Russians who we already
have living here in the Expatdom."

Iggy Poop said that he knew very little about Uncle Vanya. "Oh, but on the 'phone, Vanya did say that he'd once shaken hands with former Premier Kruschev".

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Steamboat Joseph Conrad reportedly attacked.

For a day, the crew of the WCERN Joseph Conard had to wait for fog to clear before they could continue their journey on the Assiniboine River to Winnipeg, and the lair of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi wanted for crimes against good taste and chocolate. 

 

When the fog did clear, the Joseph Conrad was reportedly attacked by an unseen group, who shot lard arrows from the safety of a nearby forest.  Details are unclear, but it is said that one of the Joseph Conrad's crew was injured in the attack.  No word on who was injured.  The crew consists of WCERN Admiral Lloyd Bridges; Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom; his Queen Ayira: The Chosen One;  Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan; and Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub in Wuxi's 1912 Bar District.

Bishop John Galt inducted into Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame

"Who is Bishop John Galt?" 

 

Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame Commisioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis asked this question before announcing the latest Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame induction:  Bishop John Galt.

 

The bishop, whose character inspired Ayn Rand to write the novel Atlas Shrugged, created his real-life "Galt's Gulch" in the Wuxi China Expatdom in the early 1930's.  Then, he created his hideaway for Chinese escaping Japanese persecution.  When the Japanese surrendered to the Allied powers in 1945, he thought it was safe to close the Gulch.  But the spectre of Soviet Communism controlling Eastern Europe arose and he has had to keep the Gulch operating and hidden every since.  Recently, efforts by the former King of Wuxi and the Obama administration to bring about collectivism 2.0 has seen more of the world's creative leaders, including inventors, artists and businessmen, join in the bishop's efforts to "stop the motor of the world" and bring about the collapse of the collectivist society.  The result has been the Wuxi China Expatdom -- the happiest place on Earth!

 

Galt, a pious Catholic, was also a great baseball and cricket player.  As a baseball pitcher, he had a career record of 373 wins and 188 losses, 2507 strikeouts, and a 2.13 ERA.  As a cricketeer, he  recorded over 11,000 test runs (avg 55), over 11,000 ODI runs (avg 46), 263 test wickets (avg 31), 254 ODI wickets (avg 32).

 

Wuxi Expats from England, America, and the Catholic Church all expressed surprise that the Bishop was a giant in three fields of human endeavour.  They all knew he was great in one, some two, but none, three.  Said Landis, "It shows what a great compartimentalizer the Bishop was; as well as showing the man's supreme humility in the face of evidence that he shouldn't be!"

Hui Shan North Face Expedition plans Proceeding Quietly

The WCE's Hui Shan North-Face expedition plans that were
proclaimed recently by Gorzo the Mighty, have of course been
deferred until such time as the unfinished-business in Manitoba
has been finalised.

However, preparations for the daring ascent have begun, with the appointment
of Bill "Boots" McGrundy to act as pre-preparation climbing co-ordinator.

A long-time WCE resident, Bill is a gritty, nuggety New Zealander, with
a lengthy record of mountaineering credentials behind him.
He is an alumni of the renowned Sir Edmund Hillary College of
Climbing-Up and Falling-Down.

In a quiet leafy lane behind his New District apartment, "Boots"
has been collecting vast quantities of white styrofoam. "You know", he said,
"that padding-stuff they put inside new TV cartons, and such-like".

In the laneway, Boots has built an exact, 1/8-scale mock-up of
Hui Shan, and is using it to test the crampons, ice-picks, ropes, and all the other
equipment that will be needed for the real Hui Shan ascent.

Boots also said that he'd heard rumours of the possible re-naming of the
forbidding peak. "These are just unofficial rumours that've been
doing the rounds down in the 1912 Bar District though", he hastened to add.

"Some people have claimed that the first person to sucessfully attain the summit,
at the old Longguan Pagoda, will be given the honorific-prerogative of
re-naming the mountain, either after themselves, or anyone, or thing, of their choosing".

"Boots" paused reflectively, then said "who-knows, the WCE might possibly
have a 'Mount Poop', or a 'Mount Harry Belafonte', although speaking
for myself, I think the name 'Mount Cherry Soda' has a certain majestic grandeur about it, don't you think?".

Bill reiterated that any re-naming possibilities were merely the subject of
rumour and gossip at this stage, and that the WCE would have to wait until the
Leaders and administrators return from Canada.

Mediacom Wuxi China Expatdom named Media Agency of the Year 2011.

MediaCom Wuxi China Expatdom has been named Media Agency of the Year at Publicityworld 2011, one of the Wuxi China Expatdom's most prestigious marketing events, Orient Express International LIVE reports.  Rudolf Murdoch, VP of Mediacom Wuxi China Expatdom accepted the award.  In his acceptance speech he talked of the quality ventures like the Wuxi China Expatdom, AKIC, and TKIC blogs that Mediacom WCE had started.  "All it takes," said Murdoch, "for any quality organization is to find a quality person with vision, imagination, integrity, basic human decency, and a viewpoint that transcends the narrow day-to-day vision of events that we in the twitter universe now live!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Steamboat "Joseph Conrad" departs CFB Shilo.

The WCERN Steamboat Joseph Conrad has departed CFB Shilo and is now transporting a load of lard and ivory up the Assiniboine River to Winnipeg.  The more pressing assignment for the Steamboat commanded by Admiral Lloyd Bridges is to apprehend and bring to justice the Ayatollah of Morder, the former King of Wuxi.  Rumours are the Ayatollah is either ill or has gone insane as news, of the efforts to capture him, have reached him.  Lard and Ivory merchants along the Assiniboine have told stories of this Mordorian rogue lard and ivory trader with a love for bad science fiction movies and an addiction to chocolate-coated caramel balls.

Bridges and his crew, Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom; Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub; and Harry Callahan, Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector, have reportedly discovered a pile of Lard, on a the banks of the Assiniboine near Carberry, with a note saying they should approach cautiously.

Now the Steamboat WCERN Joseph Conrad is enshrouded in a thick layer of fog, and so contact with it has been lost.

Mayor Sam Katz Solves Thirty Year-Old Mystery - the TWO Minklemans!

A joyous reception-dinner is being held this evening at
CFB Shiloh for the two Minkleman brothers - lost for three
decades, and only now re-united.

Fred Minkleman, genial mine-host of the WCE's premier
nightspot, Gambays, tells the story:

"Yes, I've always had a brother, Frank. We were born
as conjoined-twins,in a small town just outside Topeka, Kansas.
The medical team got us separated ok though, and we had
a fairly-conventional childhood together, on the farm, with our Mom and Pop".

Troubles arose for the two boys however - they looked identical,
sounded identical, walked the same, and went to the same little school together.
"Our teacher, Miss Quagley", Frank continued, "kept writing our name wrong.
Sometimes she wrote 'Minkelman',other times she wrote 'Minkleman'.
"Well, as the years went by, all kinds of bureaucratic blunders kinda
flowed-on from that, and that was part of the reason why we eventually
lost each other".

Fred and Frank had an uncle in Germany, a sewing-machine
repairman named Heinz "Manto" Minkleman, then-living in Hamburg.
"Uncle Heinz invited us both to visit him", said Frank, "however
our Pop was too poor to send us both - he'd long-since cashed-in his
Liberty bonds, you see".

Frank did travel to stay with their uncle in Germany when they
were both aged around 17. Uncle "Manto" had gained celebrity-status
in Germany, by being the first person to float the length of the River Rhine, on an inner-tube, naked. "Yeah", Fred laughed, "and he went upstream, against the current.
Der Spiegel ran his story for a week! Unfortunately the courts weren't too
happy with him though."

Frank returned to the family farm near Topeka about three year's later,
only to find that the entire family had sold-up and moved-on.
Frank said that their neighbours couldn't assist him much as to the
Minkleman's whereabouts. "Except old Walter Brennan, down the road, had a hunch they'd all moved to Hollywood, or someplace thereabouts", Frank recalled.

Frank contacted Steven Spielberg's studios, and Dreamworks, but nobody there had ever heard of any Minklemans. "Or Minkelmans", Fred added.

Fred eventually took-over Gambays, in the WCE, and had given-up hope of seeing
his beloved twin brother again.

Fate took a hand when Fred recently arrived in Brandon, Manitoba, with the
WCE Trio Tour entourage. "When I was introduced to Mayor Katz", Fred went on, "he
said that I looked familiar to him. He also said that my name had a familiar ring-a-ding-ding to it."

"'Bout a week later, Mayor Sam Katz came running-up to me and told me a right-curious little story. About a year ago Mayor Katz went on vacation, to
Disneyland, you-know, down there in in LA. Sam went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, and half-way through, his little boat somehow got stuck. Anyways, along came
one of the Park's repairmen, and got the danged-boat thing going again".

Mayor Katz was extremely appreciative, and the two men swapped business cards.
Finally, in Brandon, Mayor Katz found the repairman's card, and "sure enough,
'twas my long-lost twin brother, Frank! So, here we are now!", said Fred, a few small tears welling-up in his eyes."

For now, the twins have a great-deal of catching-up to do. As to the future,
Fred said "I've told Frank that he can come back to the Expatdom with me. I can give him a job as a cellar-man. And, Miss Cherry Soda needs a hand behind the bar too,
so, as they say in the old movies, 'Y'all watch this space!' ".

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire arrives at CFB Shilo, Canada.

The WCERN Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire arrived at CFB Shilo carrying a transport boat, and a shipment of ivory and lard to deliver to Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.  Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the WCERN Fred Astaire praised the effort of his crew in building the Gorzo Canal, which joined the Lakes Winnipeg and Manitoba, and the Ayira Canal joining Sandy Bay and CFB Shilo -- the canals enabled the aircraft carrier to get to the mid-continental Canadian Forces Bases.

Five Hundred thousand people gathered at CFB Shilo's new port to see its' first ever naval ship arrival.  Among the crowd were Fred Minkleman, King Gorzo the Mighty, and Inspector Harry Callahan who were eagerly wanting to see the condition of the WCERN Joseph Conrad, the boat they would use to travel the Assiniboine River to Winnipeg. 

To honor the arrival, the guns of the Third Royal Canadian Horse Artillery Regiment fired a twenty-one gun salute.  Admiral Lloyd Bridges was made a honorary gunner by the 3 RCHA commander.

Happy to see Admiral Bridges, King of the Wuxi Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty, uncharacteristically got carried away with the moment, and blurted out that his Queen Ayira: The Chosen One was pregnant.  And so there was another twenty-one gun salute -- this time fired by 71st battery of the 26th Royal Canadian Artillery Regiment, based in Brandon, Manitoba.

Overjoyed to hear King Gorzo's news, Fred Minkleman owner of Wuxi China's most important Expat Pub, mentioned that he and his twin brother Frank had been reunited after a thirty year separation.  To celebrate this, the 13th battery of the 26th Field Regiment, based in Portage La Prairie, Manitoba, fired a twenty one gun salute.

Watching the WCERN Fred Astaire arrival, back in the Wuxi China Expatdom, official leader of the opposition Iggy Poop tried to get some attention for himself by saying that he had had a fried egg sandwich for breakfast.

The WCERN Joseph Conrad, which will be manned by King Gorzo the Mighty, Queen Ayira, Inspector Callahan, Pub Owner Minkleman, and Admiral Bridges is scheduled to depart CFB Shilo for its voyage on the Assiniboine River to Winnipeg, forthwith.

Wuxi China Expatdom Beer Company planning to sell one billion liters of beer in April, 2011.

With so many reasons to celebrate living in the Expatdom of Wuxi, China, the Wuxce Beer Company looks to sell one billion liters of beer in April 2011, and centuple (100x) its revenue over the next three months, CEO Thomas Penteli told reporters at a new conference held at the Millard Filmore memorial press center of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.  

Said Penteli, "With the royal marriage, the impending capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the WCE victory at the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest, the upcoming Wuxi Jaywalker baseball season, the much anticipated return of the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent to the Expatdom, Prime Minister Mango's birthday, the World Zen Food Transfer Championship, several Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame inductions, increasing GDP and standard of living in the Expatdom, the christening of all those Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Ships, and, if rumors are true, the pregnancy of Queen Ayria: The Chosen One; Wuxi China Expats have many, many reasons to drink and be merry.  Our company will capitalize on this atmosphere of good cheer by offering Wuxi Expats a wide range of traditional draught including Wuxce's Xi Hui Pale Ale, Wuxce's Tai Hu Dark Ale, Wuxce's Jiangyin Medium Dark Ale, Wuxce's Beitang Steam Lager, Wuxce's Binhu Honey Lager, Wuxce's Yangshan Peach Lager, Wuxce's Hui Shan Pineapple Beer, Wuxce's Li Hu Clear, Wuxce's Tianyi Creek Lager, Wuxce's Chongan Cream Ale, Wuxce's Nanchang Quintuple Strong,  Wuxce's Yixing Bamboo Beer, and Wuxce's Original Tianyi Draught -- all with your choice of alcohol by volume from zero to ten percent."

WCE Trio Receive Tickertape Parade-of-Honour

This morning the WCE Trio received the biggest celebrity welcoming-home in the history of the
Expatdom. Frank Minkleman, twin brother of Gambays owner Fred Minkleman, provided a top-down Mercedes convertible (which he'd rented from a man in Nanjing). The Trio entered the limousine, with bodyguards standing on the running boards, whilst PM Mango followed in a taxi.

Nearly seven hours were required for the motorcade to cover 4.5-km route from Zhongshan Road to the 1912 Bar District. Every foot of curbing was occupied by bellowing humanity.

"The Expatdom roared and shrilled itself to near-exhaustion",'Wuxi Now!', reported, "the crowd numbered several million. Fifty thousand English teachers, and bar attendants, had walked off their jobs to be there. Factory sirens were tied down, car horns honked deeply, tooting fireboats on the Canal spouted water, and overhead, sky-writing aircraft spelled out
WELCOME HOME and WELL DONE in celestial messages over three kilometres long".

"Zhongshan", Minkleman stated, "was like a herd of hysterical animals. Women were weeping into handkerchiefs; men were alternately sobbing, and prostrating themselves!".

After it was over, the Expatdom's Department of Recycling reported that over 22,859 tonnes of paper and ribbons had been dumped on the Trio.

Enterprising street-vendors have been selling beer-glasses bearing the Trio's images, as well as buttons, pennants, orchids, cacti, and brooches.

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire now at Lake Winnipeg.

It has turned out that there was no need for the Wuxi China Expatdom Foreign Legion to build a canal from Churchill to Lake Winnipeg . Admiral Lloyd Bridges, at Churchill, was able to befriend a local aboriginal guide named Mel who showed him the way to Lake Winnipeg by river.

Said Bridges, in an interview with Wuxi Now!: "Mel possesses an intimate knowledge of the waterway of Northern Manitoba. When I had told him of my plan to build a canal to Lake Winnipeg, he laughed and said it wasn't necessary -- there were rivers that could get the WCERN Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire to Lake Winnipeg, "no problem!" We promised him to give him a million dollars if he would be our guide. However, he wanted to be our guide for free when he learned that we were working for Gorzo the Mighty. Gorzo, is a good friend of Mel's local Indian band, having already promised to recognize the territory, of their land claim with the Canadian government, as a sovereign country. Thanks to Mel, we are now cruising in Lake Winnipeg. We will build the Gorzo Canal through the Interlake region to get to Lake Manitoba -- but this is to satisfy our Foreign Legionaires who have been itching at the bit to build a canal. At Sandy Bay on the west coast of Lake Manitoba, we will build the Ayira Canal to CFB Shilo to meet up with Gorzo the Mighty, Harry Callahan, and Fred Minkleman."

WCE Trio receive Hero's welcome on returning to the Wuxi China Expatdom.

An estimated one million Wuxi Expats came to the Wuxi Airport to greet the WCE Trio who were returning from Canada and their triumphal performance at the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest.   The Trio, consisting of Neils Bohr on flute; Kennesaw "Hui San" Landis on piano and bagpipes, and Hans Klingner on harp; was happy to return home after what they said was "the experience of their lives."  Accompanying WCE Inspector Harry Callahan, who gave the greatest vocal performance since "God commanded Moses to lead his people out of bondage", the WCE Trio played a major role in securing the coveted WEVSC golden trophy.

 

The trio deboarded the plane naked, disappointing the huge crowd that was hoping to mob them and rip their clothes off.  A few of the more industrious in the mob found sharp objects to try to get locks of WCE Trio hair, but again found themselves thwarted as the three band members had taken the precaution of having all their body hair shaved off during the flight.  The crowd resorted to carrying the band members on their shoulders, singing "They are Jolly Good Fellows!", and having photographs taken.

 

Asked if they somewhat resented that most of the limelight of the WEVSC golden trophy performance had fallen on Inspector Harry Callahan who was a non-musician, Hans Klingner said "Harry is one of those individuals who is so great that others cannot feel jealousy in his presence -- they can only feel admiration, and feel gratitude at the privilege of being able to accompany a God in the form of a man!"

 

Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis said he was honored by the homecoming, but looked forward to going back to work as head curator of the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame.  "As soon as I get back into my routine, I have several important WCE HoF inductions to announce."

 

Neils Bohr said he was looking forward to going through the marriage process which had to be delayed by "matters of the Expatdom."  Added Bohrs, "For me, it is God, Gorzo, the Wuxi China Expatdom, and the soon-to-be Mrs. Bohrs!"

Tremendous reception for Wuxi China Expatdom Naval Task Force at Churchill, Manitoba.

A crowd, estimated to be two million people, came out to greet the Wuxi China Expatdom Naval Force as it came ashore at the northern Manitoba city of Churchill.  Shouting "We love Admiral Bridges!", and "Bring the Ayatollah of Mordor to Justice!"; wearing WCERN Fred Astaire and  WCERN Ida Lupino baseball caps;  singing "Anchors Away!", "In the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy", and both the Canadian and Wuxi China Expatdomian anthems;  bearing images of Gorzo the Mighty, Aiyra: the Chosen One, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Inspector Harry Callahan, and an imprisoned Ayatollah of Mordor;  the crowd was raucous and yet well-behaved.

 

WWII veterans said the crowd's behavior reminded them of the way the Dutch, from newly liberated villages in 1945, greeted arriving Allied forces.  The crowd at Churchill festooned the arriving WCERN sailors with flowers and garlands.  Many local woman promised the thrills of their boudoirs to the sailors.  In the excitement of the moment, the Mayor of Churchill offered all ten million members of the task force the keys to the city, as well as polar bear cubs to bring back to the WCE safari park in the 1912 Bar District.  The Bishop of Churchill blessed all the WCERN Sailors, prayed for the success of Operation Chocolate Bad Egg Hunt, and sprinkled the WCERN Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire with holy water.

 

WCERN Admiral  Lloyd Bridges, commander of the Task Force, told reporters he was honored by the welcome, and surprised by the extent to which the Ayatollah of Mordor had darkened the lives of so many innocents.  He then became grimly determined and focused.  Said Bridges, "This evening, we will begin to dig a canal to Lake Winnipeg!  I see that when our task has been completed, I will be able to declare that a finer thing I haven't done than bring the Ayatollah of Mordor to justice!"  To this, the crowd shouted "Heeree!  Here-e! All agreed!" and began to sing "For he's a jolly good fellow!"

 

 

Gonorrhea a medical problem for seventy percent of Wuxi China Expats, survery shows.

In a survey conducted by Orient Express Surveys, seventy percent of Wuxi China Expats said Gonorrhea was a medical problem for them.

 

 Said, Chad "Gallaping" Gourmet who conducted the survey:  "We asked Wuxi China Expats to name a medical problem that began with "G".   Seventy percent of Wuxi China Expats said Gonorrhea.  Twenty percent of Wuxi China Expats said Gangrene."

Wuxi China Expatdom Naval Task Force now in Hudson's Bay.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Naval Task Force has arrived in Hudson Bay off the coast of Manitoba Province.  The task force is participating in Operation Chocolate Bad Egg Hunt, the mission to capture Ayatollah of Mordor and bring him to Justice for crimes against taste.

 

Commander of the Task Force, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, said the plan was to take the Air Carrier WCERN Fred Astaire to CFB Shilo, Manitoba to meet the WCE Contingent of King Gorzo the Mighty, Inspector Harry Callahan, and Pub Owner Fred Minkleman. Together with the  Admiral, the three Wuxi China Expat Luminaries would ride a gunboat, "Hearts-of-Darkness" style to Casa Mordor and have a Kurtz-like confrontation with the former King of Wuxi.

 

Asked if the plan was practical, given that the distances involved getting an Aircraft carrier to Brandon from Hudson's Bay were huge, and there was probably a lack of navigable rivers in Manitoba for a ship as large as the WCERN Fred Astaire to even travel, Bridges said "We are well aware of that.  But we have a fifty million volunteer Wuxi China Expatdom Foreign Legion that has the ability to build wide and deep canals.  The WCERN Fred Astaire will get to that lake that is north of Winnipeg which will save us some digging, and then we can widen the Assiniboine River all the way to CFB Shilo."

 

Then asked why they didn't just fly to Casa Mordor, Admiral Bridges said that it was the wish of WCE Leaders to remain true to the novel Hearts of Darkness.  Added Bridges "Francis Ford Coppola didn't do this in Apocalypse Now.  Why should we?"