Tuesday, May 31, 2011

589,678,953 Wuxi China Expats celebrate the return of NHL Hockey to Winnipeg.

589,678,953 Wuxi Expats, most of them ex-Winnipegers gathered at the intersection of Zhongshan and Renmin Roads in Wuxi, China to celebrate the announcement that a Winnipeg group has purchased the Atlanta Thrashers and will move them to Winnipeg in time for the 2011-12 NHL season.

Hunky Bill, perogy expert, ex-Winnipeger, and long-time Wuxi China Expat, said the return of NHL hockey to Winnipeg, Canada was the greatest news to come from the city since the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent went to Winnipeg to capture the Ayatollah of Mordor.  

Dora the Explorer, an Expat from Toronto, welcomed the news of Winnipeg getting an NHL team because it offered the teeny-weeny chance that perhaps Ottawa and Toronto wouldn't have the worst Canadian NHL teams.

Andis Kaulins, who has now lived in Wuxi longer than he has lived in Winnipeg, said that now if only Winnipeg could get rid of its' mosquitoes and incredibly cold winters, millions of Winnipegers would return to the city from the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom King rejected invitation to attend G8 Summit

The King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, revealed that he had rejected not only invitations and pleas to attend the G8 Summit, that was held recently in Deauville and Basse-Normandie, France, but an invitation as well for the Expatdom to become the ninth member of a new G9 group. 
 
"These meetings are a waste of time.  Nothing comes of them.  I think it is an insult to the voters and the public in general that these conferences are held in this age of global telecommunication.  I am sure they are fine things if you are a photographer or you are a bureaucrat who likes staying in 3,000 USD a night hotels on the public sinecure, but for those who really care about their subjects, it is shameful to attend these things.  And even if serious economic discussions are held, they are based on the old Keynesian and Ayatollah of Mordorian of directing free markets from the center.  The secret of the WCE's tremendous economic performance under my reign is very simple.  Let markets work!"

Wuxi Expat denies suffering from logorrhea

Wuxi Expat William Maher denies that he suffers from logorrhea, a communication disorder resulting in incoherent talkativeness
 
Said Maher, "I very much resent the accusation that I go on and on and on, talking endlessly, like I am a blabbermouth racing to infinity by sheer speed of verbosity and that I have nothing to say. I think that I need to be--I don't think you have to be those that are criticizing me for anything that I did say or criticizing them even though there's plenty to apologize to them--apologize about some of the things they've done and to criticize them.  And besides, I really can't say enough about our heroes our memorial day.  On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today -- our sense of patriotism is particularly strong.  Certainly my verbosity is obviously an issue that has plagued me for centuries.  But I can eat a waffle and talk which is more than most Suzhou Expats can do.  I think that I need to be--I don't think you have to be those that are criticizing me for anything that I did or criticizing me even though there's plenty to apologize to me--apologize about some of the things they've done and to criticize them. My favorite type of pie is devil's food.  I think that I need to be--I don't think you have to be those that are criticizing mefor anything that I did or criticizing them even though there's plenty to apologize to them--apologize about some of the things they've done and to criticize them.  My talking will help me with the locals because it will make them think I have a bushy mustache.  And I do say interesting things like my father is a ninja turtle.  Do you know I have an entire Obama speech mesmorized?  Here it goes!  It is always humbling to speak before the NAACP. It is a powerful reminder of the debt we all owe to those who marched for us and fought for us and stood up on our behalf; of the sacrifices that were made for us by those we never knew; and of the giants whose shoulders I stand on here today.  They are the men and women we read about in history books and hear about in church; whose lives we honor with schools, and boulevards, and federal holidays that bear their names. But what I want to remind you tonight - on Youth Night - is that these giants, these icons of America's past, were not much older than many of you when they took up freedom's cause and made their mark on history.  Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was but a 26-year old pastor when he led a bus boycott in Montgomery that mobilized a movement. John Lewis was but a 25-year old activist when he faced down Billy clubs on the bridge in Selma and helped arouse the conscience of our nation. Diane Nash was even younger when she helped found SNCC and led Freedom Rides down south. And your chairman Julian Bond was but a 25-year old state legislator when he put his own shoulder to the wheel of history.  It is because of them; and all those whose names never made it into the history books - those men and women, young and old, black, brown and white, clear-eyed and straight-backed, who refused to settle for the world as it is; who had the courage to remake the world as it should be - that I stand before you tonight as the Democratic nominee for President of the United States of America.  And if I have the privilege of serving as your next President, I will stand up for you the same way that earlier generations of Americans stood up for me - by fighting to ensure that every single one of us has the chance to make it if we try. That means removing the barriers of prejudice and misunderstanding that still exist in America. It means fighting to eliminate discrimination from every corner of our country. It means changing hearts, and changing minds, and making sure that every American is treated equally under the law.  But social justice is not enough. As Dr. King once said, "the inseparable twin of racial justice is economic justice." That's why Dr. King went to Memphis in his final days to stand with striking sanitation workers. That's why the march that Roy Wilkins helped lead forty five years ago this summer wasn't just named the March on Washington, and it wasn't just named the March on Washington for Freedom; it was named the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.  What Dr. King and Roy Wilkins understood is that it matters little if you have the right to sit at the front of the bus if you can't afford the bus fare; it matters little if you have the right to sit at the lunch counter if you can't afford the lunch. What they understood is that so long as Americans are denied the decent wages, and good benefits, and fair treatment they deserve, the dream for which so many gave so much will remain out of reach; that to live up to our founding promise of equality for all, we have to make sure that opportunity is open to all Americans.  That is what I've been fighting to do throughout my over 20 years in public service. That's why I've fought in the Senate to end tax breaks for companies that ship jobs overseas and give those tax breaks to companies that create good jobs here in America. That's why I brought Democrats and Republicans together in Illinois to put $100 million in tax cuts into the pockets of hardworking families, to expand health care to 150,000 children and parents, and to end the outrage of black women making just 62 cents for every dollar that many of their male coworkers make.  And that's why I moved to Chicago after college. As some of you know, I turned down more lucrative jobs because I was inspired by the Civil Rights Movement and I wanted to do my part in the ongoing battle for opportunity in this country. So I went to work for a group of churches to help turn around neighborhoods that were devastated when the local steel plants closed. And I reached out to community leaders - black, brown, and white - and together, we gave job training to the jobless, set up afterschool programs to help keep kids off the streets, and block by block, we helped turn those neighborhoods around.  So I've been working my entire adult life to help build an America where social justice is being served and economic justice is being served; an America where we all have an equal chance to make it if we try. That's the America I believe in. That's the America you've been fighting for over the past 99 years. And that's the America we have to keep marching towards today.  ur work is not over. When so many of our nation's schools are failing, especially those in our poorest rural and urban communities, denying millions of young Americans the chance to fulfill their potential and live out their dreams, we have more work to do. When CEOs are making more in ten minutes than the average worker earns in a year, and millions of families lose their homes due to unscrupulous lending, checked neither by a sense of corporate ethics or a vigilant government; when the dream of entering the middle class and staying there is fading for young people in our community, we have more work to do.  The hills are alive with the sound of music!  When any human being is denied a life of dignity and respect, no matter whether they live in Anacostia or Appalachia or a village in Africa; when people are trapped in extreme poverty we know how to curb or suffering from diseases we know how to prevent; when they're going without the medicines that they so desperately need - we have more work to do. That's what this election is all about. It's about the responsibilities we all share for the future we hold in common. It's about each and every one of us doing our part to build that more perfect union.  It's about the responsibilities that corporate America has - responsibilities that start with ending a culture on Wall Street that says what's good for me is good enough; that puts their bottom line ahead of what's right for America. Because what we've learned in such a dramatic way in recent months is that pain in our economy trickles up; that Wall Street can't thrive so long as Main Street is struggling; and that America is better off when the well-being of American business and the American people are aligned. Our CEOs have to recognize that they have a responsibility not just to grow their profit margins, but to be fair to their workers, and honest to their shareholders and to help strengthen our economy as a whole. That's how we'll ensure that economic justice is being served. And that's what this election is about.  It's about the responsibilities that Washington has - responsibilities that start with restoring fairness to our economy by making sure that the playing field isn't tilted to benefit the special interests at the expense of ordinary Americans; and that we're rewarding not just wealth, but the work and workers who create it. That's why I'll offer a middle class tax cut so we can lift up hardworking families, and give relief to struggling homeowners so we can end our housing crisis, and provide training to young people to work the green jobs of the future, and invest in our infrastructure so we can create millions of new jobs.  Nanjing Expats are Gay!  And that's why I'll end the outrage of one in five African Americans going without the health care they deserve. We'll guarantee health care for anyone who needs it, make it affordable for anyone who wants it, and ensure that the quality of your health care does not depend on the color of your skin. And we're not going to do it 20 years from now or 10 years from now, we're going to do it by the end of my first term as President of the United States of America.  Wuxi Sexpats smell!  And here's what else we'll do - we'll make sure that every child in this country gets a world-class education from the day they're born until the day they graduate from college. Now, I understand that Senator McCain is going to be coming here in a couple of days and talking about education, and I'm glad to hear it. But the fact is, what he's offering amounts to little more than the same tired rhetoric about vouchers. Well, I believe we need to move beyond the same debate we've been having for the past 30 years when we haven't gotten anything done. We need to fix and improve our public schools, not throw our hands up and walk away from them. We need to uphold the ideal of public education, but we also need reform.  Too many English teacher are fat!  Ian!  That's why I've introduced a comprehensive strategy to recruit an army of new quality teachers to our communities - and to pay them more and give them more support. And we'll invest in early childhood education programs so that our kids don't begin the race of life behind the starting line and offer a $4,000 tax credit to make college affordable for anyone who wants to go. Because as the NAACP knows better than anyone, the fight for social justice and economic justice begins in the classroom. Fat.  But it doesn't end there. We have to fight for all those young men standing on street corners with little hope for the future besides ending up in jail. We have to break the cycle of poverty and violence that's gripping too many neighborhoods in this country.  Lazy.  That's why I'll expand the Earned Income Tax Credit - because it's one of the most successful anti-poverty measures we have. That's why I'll end the Bush policy of taking cops off the streets at the moment they're needed most - because we need to give local law enforcement the support they need. That's why we'll provide job training for ex-offenders - because we need to make sure they don't return to a life of crime. And that's why I'll build on the success of the Harlem Children's Zone in New York and launch an all-hands-on-deck effort to end poverty in this country - because that's how we'll put the dream that Dr. King and Roy Wilkins fought for within reach for the next generation of children.  Human Garbage.  Go back to Ontario troll man!  And if people tell you that we cannot afford to invest in education or health care or fighting poverty, you just remind them that we are spending $10 billion a month in Iraq. And if we can spend that much money in Iraq, we can spend some of that money right here in Cincinnati, Ohio and in big cities and small towns in every corner of this country.  So yes, we have to demand more responsibility from Washington. And yes we have to demand more responsibility from Wall Street. But we also have to demand more from ourselves. Now, I know some say I've been too tough on folks about this responsibility stuff. But I'm not going to stop talking about it. Because I believe that in the end, it doesn't matter how much money we invest in our communities, or how many 10-point plans we propose, or how many government programs we launch - none of it will make any difference if we don't seize more responsibility in our own lives.  Toronto Maple Leafs suck!  That's how we'll truly honor those who came before us. Because I know that Thurgood Marshall did not argue Brown versus Board of Education so that some of us could stop doing our jobs as parents. And I know that nine little children did not walk through a schoolhouse door in Little Rock so that we could stand by and let our children drop out of school and turn to gangs for the support they are not getting elsewhere. That's not the freedom they fought so hard to achieve. That's not the America they gave so much to build. That's not the dream they had for our children.  Harry Moore has wonderful thighs.  That's why if we're serious about reclaiming that dream, we have to do more in our own lives, our own families, and our own communities. That starts with providing the guidance our children need, turning off the TV, and putting away the video games; attending those parent-teacher conferences, helping our children with their homework, and setting a good example. It starts with teaching our daughters to never allow images on television to tell them what they are worth; and teaching our sons to treat women with respect, and to realize that responsibility does not end at conception; that what makes them men is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one. It starts by being good neighbors and good citizens who are willing to volunteer in our communities - and to help our synagogues and churches and community centers feed the hungry and care for the elderly. We all have to do our part to lift up this country.  Never trust a Greek Sailor or somone who has worked in Thailand.  Chances are they are pervs.  That's where change begins. And that, after all, is the true genius of America - not that America is, but that America will be; not that we are perfect, but that we can make ourselves more perfect; that brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand, people who love this country can change it. And that's our most enduring responsibility - the responsibility to future generations. We have to change this country for them. We have to leave them a planet that's cleaner, a nation that's safer, and a world that's more equal and more just.  So I'm grateful to you for all you've done for this campaign, but we've got work to do, poos to take and we cannot rest. And I know that if you put your shoulders to the wheel of history and take up the cause of perfecting our union just as earlier generations of Americans did before you; if you take up the fight for opportunity and equality and prosperity for all; if you march with me and fight with me, and get your friends registered to vote, and if you stand with me this fall - then not only will we help close the responsibility deficit in this country, and not only will we help achieve social justice and economic justice for all, but I will come back here next year on the 100th anniversary of the NAACP, and I will stand before you as the President of the United States of America. And at that moment, you and I will truly know that a new day has come in this country we love. Thank you.  And now, I will tell you my life story.  I was the first of three children, but... Wuxi Sexpats smell!  And here's what else we'll do - we'll make sure that every child in this country gets a world-class education from the day they're born until the day they graduate from college. Now, I understand that Senator McCain is going to be coming here in a couple of days and talking about education, and I'm glad to hear it. But the fact is, what he's offering amounts to little more than the same tired rhetoric about vouchers. Well, I believe we need to move beyond the same debate we've been having for the past 30 years when we haven't gotten anything done. We need to fix and improve our public schools, not throw our hands up and walk away from them. We need to uphold the ideal of public education, but we also need reform.  Too many English teacher are fat!  Ian!  That's why I've introduced a comprehensive strategy to recruit an army of new quality teachers to our communities - and to pay them more and give them more support. And we'll invest in early childhood education programs so that our kids don't begin the race of life behind the starting line and offer a $4,000 tax credit to make college affordable for anyone who wants to go. Because as the NAACP knows better than anyone, the fight for social justice and economic justice begins in the classroom. Fat.  But it doesn't end there. We have to fight for all those young men standing on street corners with little hope for the future besides ending up in jail. We have to break the cycle of poverty and violence that's gripping too many neighborhoods in this country.  Lazy.  That's why I'll expand the Earned Income Tax Credit - because it's one of the most successful anti-poverty measures we have. That's why I'll end the Bush policy of taking cops off the streets at the moment they're needed most - because we need to give local law enforcement the support they need. That's why we'll provide job training for ex-offenders - because we need to make sure they don't return to a life of crime. And that's why I'll build on the success of the Harlem Children's Zone in New York and launch an all-hands-on-deck effort to end poverty in this country - because that's how we'll put the dream that Dr. King and Roy Wilkins fought for within reach for the next generation of children.  Human Garbage.  Go back to Ontario troll man!  And if people tell you that we cannot afford to invest in education or health care or fighting poverty, you just remind them that we are spending $10 billion a month in Iraq. And if we can spend that much money in Iraq, we can spend some of that money right here in Cincinnati, Ohio and in big cities and small towns in every corner of this country.  So yes, we have to demand more responsibility from Washington. And yes we have to demand more responsibility from Wall Street. But we also have to demand more from ourselves. Now, I know some say I've been too tough on folks about this responsibility stuff. But I'm not going to stop talking about it. Because I believe that in the end, it doesn't matter how much money we invest in our communities, or how many 10-point plans we propose, or how many government programs we launch - none of it will make any difference if we don't seize more responsibility in our own lives.  Toronto Maple Leafs suck!  That's how we'll truly honor those who came before us. Because I know that Thurgood Marshall did not argue Brown versus Board of Education so that some of us could stop doing our jobs as parents. And I know that nine little children did not walk through a schoolhouse door in Little Rock so that we could stand by and let our children drop out of school and turn to gangs for the support they are not getting elsewhere. That's not the freedom they fought so hard to achieve. That's not the America they gave so much to build. That's not the dream they had for our children.  Harry Moore has wonderful thighs.  That's why if we're serious about reclaiming that dream, we have to do more in our own lives, our own families, and our own communities. That starts with providing the guidance our children need, turning off the TV, and putting away the video games; attending those parent-teacher conferences, helping our children with their homework, and setting a good example. It starts with teaching our daughters to never allow images on television to tell them what they are worth; and teaching our sons to treat women with respect, and to realize that responsibility does not end at conception; that what makes them men is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one. It starts by being good neighbors and good citizens who are willing to volunteer in our communities - and to help our synagogues and churches and community centers feed the hungry and care for the elderly. We all have to do our part to lift up this country.  Never trust a Greek Sailor or somone who has worked in Thailand.  Chances are they are pervs.  That's where change begins. And that, after all, is the true genius of America - not that America is, but that America will be; not that we are perfect, but that we can make ourselves more perfect; that brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand, people who love this country can change it. And that's our most enduring responsibility - the responsibility to future generations. We have to change this country for them. We have to leave them a planet that's cleaner, a nation that's safer, and a world that's more equal and more just.  So I'm grateful to you for all you've done for this campaign, but we've got work to do, poos to take and we cannot rest. And I know that if you put your shoulders to the wheel of history and take up the cause of perfecting our union just as earlier generations of Americans did before you; if you take up the fight for opportunity and equality and prosperity for all; if you march with me and fight with me, and get your friends registered to vote, and if you stand with me this fall - then not only will we help close the responsibility deficit in this country, and not only will we help achieve social justice and economic justice for all, but I will come back here next year on the 100th anniversary of the NAACP, and I will stand before you as the President of the United States of America. And at that moment, you and I will truly know that a new day has come in this country we love. Thank you.  And now, I will tell you my life story.  I was the first of three children, but... Wuxi Sexpats smell!  And here's what else we'll do - we'll make sure that every child in this country gets a world-class education from the day they're born until the day they graduate from college. Now, I understand that Senator McCain is going to be coming here in a couple of days and talking about education, and I'm glad to hear it. But the fact is, what he's offering amounts to little more than the same tired rhetoric about vouchers. Well, I believe we need to move beyond the same debate we've been having for the past 30 years when we haven't gotten anything done. We need to fix and improve our public schools, not throw our hands up and walk away from them. We need to uphold the ideal of public education, but we also need reform.  Too many English teacher are fat!  Ian!  That's why I've introduced a comprehensive strategy to recruit an army of new quality teachers to our communities - and to pay them more and give them more support. And we'll invest in early childhood education programs so that our kids don't begin the race of life behind the starting line and offer a $4,000 tax credit to make college affordable for anyone who wants to go. Because as the NAACP knows better than anyone, the fight for social justice and economic justice begins in the classroom. Fat.  But it doesn't end there. We have to fight for all those young men standing on street corners with little hope for the future besides ending up in jail. We have to break the cycle of poverty and violence that's gripping too many neighborhoods in this country.  Lazy.  That's why I'll expand the Earned Income Tax Credit - because it's one of the most successful anti-poverty measures we have. That's why I'll end the Bush policy of taking cops off the streets at the moment they're needed most - because we need to give local law enforcement the support they need. That's why we'll provide job training for ex-offenders - because we need to make sure they don't return to a life of crime. And that's why I'll build on the success of the Harlem Children's Zone in New York and launch an all-hands-on-deck effort to end poverty in this country - because that's how we'll put the dream that Dr. King and Roy Wilkins fought for within reach for the next generation of children.  Human Garbage.  Go back to Ontario troll man!  And if people tell you that we cannot afford to invest in education or health care or fighting poverty, you just remind them that we are spending $10 billion a month in Iraq. And if we can spend that much money in Iraq, we can spend some of that money right here in Cincinnati, Ohio and in big cities and small towns in every corner of this country.  So yes, we have to demand more responsibility from Washington. And yes we have to demand more responsibility from Wall Street. But we also have to demand more from ourselves. Now, I know some say I've been too tough on folks about this responsibility stuff. But I'm not going to stop talking about it. Because I believe that in the end, it doesn't matter how much money we invest in our communities, or how many 10-point plans we propose, or how many government programs we launch - none of it will make any difference if we don't seize more responsibility in our own lives.  Toronto Maple Leafs suck!  That's how we'll truly honor those who came before us. Because I know that Thurgood Marshall did not argue Brown versus Board of Education so that some of us could stop doing our jobs as parents. And I know that nine little children did not walk through a schoolhouse door in Little Rock so that we could stand by and let our children drop out of school and turn to gangs for the support they are not getting elsewhere. That's not the freedom they fought so hard to achieve. That's not the America they gave so much to build. That's not the dream they had for our children.  Harry Moore has wonderful thighs.  That's why if we're serious about reclaiming that dream, we have to do more in our own lives, our own families, and our own communities. That starts with providing the guidance our children need, turning off the TV, and putting away the video games; attending those parent-teacher conferences, helping our children with their homework, and setting a good example. It starts with teaching our daughters to never allow images on television to tell them what they are worth; and teaching our sons to treat women with respect, and to realize that responsibility does not end at conception; that what makes them men is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one. It starts by being good neighbors and good citizens who are willing to volunteer in our communities - and to help our synagogues and churches and community centers feed the hungry and care for the elderly. We all have to do our part to lift up this country.  Never trust a Greek Sailor or somone who has worked in Thailand.  Chances are they are pervs.  That's where change begins. And that, after all, is the true genius of America - not that America is, but that America will be; not that we are perfect, but that we can make ourselves more perfect; that brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand, people who love this country can change it. And that's our most enduring responsibility - the responsibility to future generations. We have to change this country for them. We have to leave them a planet that's cleaner, a nation that's safer, and a world that's more equal and more just.  So I'm grateful to you for all you've done for this campaign, but we've got work to do, poos to take and we cannot rest. And I know that if you put your shoulders to the wheel of history and take up the cause of perfecting our union just as earlier generations of Americans did before you; if you take up the fight for opportunity and equality and prosperity for all; if you march with me and fight with me, and get your friends registered to vote, and if you stand with me this fall - then not only will we help close the responsibility deficit in this country, and not only will we help achieve social justice and economic justice for all, but I will come back here next year on the 100th anniversary of the NAACP, and I will stand before you as the President of the United States of America. And at that moment, you and I will truly know that a new day has come in this country we love. Thank you.  And now, I will tell you my life story.  I was the first of three children, but...

 

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Wuxi Jaywalkers sweep Suzhou Green Hats to take first place in the CEBL East Division

The Wuxi Jaywalkers swept all three games against the Suzhou Green Hats at Suzhou's Green Hat Baseball Park this weekend to take first place in the East Division of the China Expat Baseball League.


Jaywalkers manager Casey Stench had his three best starters scheduled to start on the weekend.


Friday Evening, Jaywalkers starter Lefty Horowitz stunned the overflow crowd of 250,000 at Green Hat Baseball Park by throwing a no-hitter. None of the Green Hat hitters could solve his descending "latke" pitch. Said Green Hat Steve Garvey, " The pitch seem to come at you very slowly and temptingly, before it suddenly dipped to the ground three inches in front of your bat. The ball seemed to rolled off a latke! Very hard to resist the pitch's temptations." The Jaywalkers, with the 3-0 victory, were one game behind the Green Hats in the standings.


Saturday Evening, Moses Melker pitched into and pitched out of jam after jam in each of the nine innings, but still managed to pitch a shutout. The Green Hats had eighteen hits and left twenty seven on base in the Jaywalkers' 2-0 victory. The Jaywalkers and Green Hats, at the end of the game, were in a dead heat for first place in the CEBL East.


Sunday evening, a record crowd of 255,000 managed to squeeze themselves into Green Hat Baseball Park to see the game which had first place in the CEBL East on the line. Abraham Skolnick started for the Jaywalkers, but had to be pulled after seven innings, after he allowed the Green Hats to score a run. Green Hats fans were into ecstasy as their team held a 1-0 lead going into the top of ninth. However, solo home runs by Jaywalkers Maxie Eckstein and Babe Lefkowitz gave the Jaywalkers a 2-1 lead. Jaywalker closer Killer Kugelman finished off the Green Hats with nine straight pitches, all strikes and all-timed at 250 kmh.


Said Casey Stench, in the Jaywalker locker room after the sweep, "I dedicate this series sweep to their majesties King Gorzo the Mighty, and Queen Ayira: The Chosen One."

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Nine Million Boston Bruin Fans gather at intersection of Zhongshan and Renmin Roads in Wuxi, China.

Nine million Boston Bruin Fans gathered at the intersection of the Zhongshan Road and Renmin Road in Wuxi, China to celebrate their Bruins' victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Semifinal Series. Wearing fake Boston Bruin clothes purchased at Nanchang Temple Market, and bearing home-made and fake replica Prince of Wales Trophies, Bruins Fans partied like it was 1972 -- the last time the Bruins won the Stanley Cup.


Said Cam Neely, a long-time Wuxi Expat and Bruin Fan, "I think we should celebrate this victory in a huge manner. I don't much fancy our chances in the final against the Vancouver Canucks. who are the team of the Wuxi China Expatdom and the Gods. I hope we can look respectable against the Canucks. Really it is the best we Bruins fans can hope for!"

Friday, May 27, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Defends Wuxi China Expatdom Policy of employing Dead Civil Servants

Prime Minister of the Wuxi China Expatdom Mango defended the practice, of hiring corpses to be government bureaucrats in non-essential positions.

The practice had come under criticism from fringe and reactionary elements of the opposition Nudist party.

 Said PM Mango,  "Since we began the practice of allowing civil servants who have to died to keep their jobs, the quality of government work has improved ten-fold, and we have saved the Expatdom treasury millions of yuan.  It is a win-win for everyone.  Dead people don't feel they are being neglected.  People who would otherwise be doing the devil's work of making onerous regulations, are instead out in the market place, testing their true mettle.  Besides, isn't it discrimination to let someone go because they are dead?  Hmmmm?"

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Three million Wuxi China Expats attend 44th annual "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" celebrations.

Three million Wuxi China Expats attended the 44th annual Wuxi China Expatdom "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" celebrations which were this year held at Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.


Singing "Nah Nah Nah, Nah, Hey Hey Good Bye!"; "1967", and "Leafs suck", the raucous crowd ate, drank specially brewed "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" honey lager, and participated in charity events with proceeds going to "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" Children's Hospital, "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" orphanage, "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" free prosthetics clinic, "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" society for the prevention of cruelty to animals, and "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" cancer lab.



Notables attending the celebrations included: Pope Benedict XVI who called the Leafs string of futility a blessed event; Clint Eastwood who thanked the Leafs for being everything he didn't want to be; Pamela Anderson wearing a t-shirt boldly stating "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup", German Chancellor Andrea Merkel, Jennifer Lopez wearing sweat pants provocatively stating "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup", Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, former Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd wearing a shirt saying "The Toronto Maples did win the Stanley Cup" in Chinese, and Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira who is fan of the Montreal Canadiens.



Organizers of the event, Guy Lafleur and Serge Savard, said the celebrations were late this year because of the Wuxi China Expatdom contingent mission to capture the Ayatollah of Mordor, a Maple Leafs fan and former King of Wuxi. Said Lafleur: "Normally, we like to hold da celebrations at end of da regular season because da Leafs, you see, usually don't make da playoffs. Moise Tabernac! This year, we could have held da celebration in February, da Leafs were bad even by da their standards. But most of us was interested to see da King and da Queen and da Dirty Harry get da former evil King!"


Guest of honour at the celebration was Norm Bethune, founder of the celebration and the only person to have attended all forty four annual "Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup" celebrations in the Wuxi Expatdom. Said long-time Wuxi Expat Bethune, "I remember how terrible it was to be in Wuxi in the spring and summer of '68. The Cultural Revolution was in full force. And we had received news of the assassinations of Martin Luther King and Robert F. Kennedy. The only good news at that time was hearing that the Toronto Maple Leafs had finished in fifth place in the East Division and so didn't qualify for the playoffs. Of course, it wasn't till July 68 that we had a party to celebrate this fact. But every year since then, with the exception of this glorious spring of 2011, have we celebrated the end of each Maple Leaf non-championship season in April or early May."



Arriving late at the party to pick up his wife Queen Ayira, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty brought incredible euphoria to the party by announcing plans to build a 88,888m tall statue of a Buddha wearing a shirt stating "The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup," and the commissioning of three new aircraft carriers for the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy: The WCERN The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup, the WCERN The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup again, and the WCERN The Toronto Maple Leafs haven't won the Stanley Cup since 1967.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Are the Vancouver Canucks the team of the Wuxi China Expatdom and the Gods?

Are the Vancouver Canucks Canada's team?  Long-time Wuxi China Expat from Abbotsford, British Columbia, Norbert Froese says they aren't.  Said Froese, "While the Canucks do play in Canada.  One has to remember that Canada has a province called Ontario which contains fans of the Ottawa Senators and Toronto Maple Leafs.  The mere fact that Canada contains Ontario makes it hard to think of Canada as one unified country.  The fact that Ontario has the the Ottawa Senators and Toronto Maple Leafs shows that that province doesn't contain hockey fans, or at least fans of good hockey."
 
Froese, now an English Teacher and government functionary in the Wuxi China Expatdom has never given up his loyalty to the Canucks.  He says he was a Canucks Fan thirty years before the team came into existence because of a prophecy he received from Buddhist sage.  He now sees himself as a bit of a Vancouver Canucks missionary and mystic.  He claims to have the biggest Vancouver Canucks Shrine in all of Asia in his apartment.  He further boasted that in his time in China, he has converted three hundred million people, including all the good hearted Wuxi Expats, to the Vancouver Canucks religion.  

Said Froese, "The Vancouver Canucks are more properly said to be the team of the Wuxi China Expatdom for that is where most of their loyal followers now live. I expect crowds in the hundreds of millions to converge at Harry Moore Squares Gold, Platinum, and Deluxe, as well as at the intersection of Renmin and Zhongshan roads to celebrate the Canucks 2011 Stanley Cup victory!"

Asked if he was worried that maybe the Boston Bruins or the Tampa Bay Lightning might win the Stanley Cup Final, Froese had a good hearty laugh and said that in his discussion with the Gods, he was told that the Canucks, the team of Alberta, B.C., Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and the Wuxi China Expatdom will not lose, for that is what the Gods desire.

Wuxi China Expatdom to build 88m tall Stanley Cup bearing a Vancouver Canucks Logo.

With the Vancouver Canucks qualifying for the 2011 Stanley Cup Final, Wuxi Expats, the most decent, humane, and caring of whom are Vancouver Canuck fans, have raised money through private means to build a 88m tall version of the Stanley Cup which will be placed beside a statue of Andis Kaulins, if the Canucks do in fact win the 2011 final.

The 88m Stanley Cup will be made entirely of gold and be embossed with a Vancouver Canucks logo. It will also come equipped with a shopping mall, retaurant, pub and sports lounge, hockey museum, and a shrine to Bobby Orr.

To enter the Wuxi China Expatdom Stanley Cup, one must not be a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs or Ottawa Senators -- Leaf and Senators fans attempting to do so will be ejected by a lie detector sensor in the Cup that can smell them a mile away.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira to fight Oprah Winfrey in Cage Match to determine who is World's Most Powerful Woman

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira and American Empress Oprah Winfrey have agreed to fight in a cage boxing match on  June 18 at the 3,000,000 seat Wuxi Landlords Stadium.  Unlike the Ayira -- Hilary Clinton boxing match which was for charity, the Ayira -- Oprah match will be for a championship -- the winner of the fight will be forever have the title of World's Most Powerful Woman.
 
The animus between Ayria and Oprah makes the bad blood between Ayira and Hilary Clinton look a romance.  The Ayira -- Oprah animus had its origins in Chicago where Ayira was a star pupil of economist Milton Friedman, and Oprah was a host of an extremely popular daytime talk show.  Since those Chicago days, Ayira and Oprah have found themselves on opposite sides of the political spectrum.  Ayira had at one time expressed a hope that she and Oprah could have a friendly debating relationship like Chesterton and Bernard Shaw, Buckley and Galbraith, and Liddy and Leary, but later said that Oprah "was too much of a big fat bitch" to want to do so.  For her part, Oprah said she was so disappointed that Ayira had decided to become a "Nazi Ku Klux Klan Republican Christian Corporate slave happy-to-bake-cookies house wife princess slave owner" instead of a liberated career woman with many male lovers.  There are also rumours that Oprah said disparaging things about the colour scheme chosen by Ayira for the Wuxi China Expatdom King's official estate.
 
Tickets for the fight sold out within minutes of going online.
 
Ayira who is pregnant, and expecting triplets, is not the least worried about her condition affecting her fighting ability.  "I just took down Secretary of State Hilary Clinton in less than a round.  Empress Oprah, aka the Michelin Woman, should be less of a challenge.  Say what you like about Hilary being a cuckoldess and wearing ugly pant suits, but the Secretary is positively swelt in comparison to a this talk-show host who has yet to pass a lemon melange pie in her life without eating at least three slices of it!"
 
Hearing Ayira's comments, Oprah blubbered and then muttered something about "Sarah Palin."
 

Wuxi China Expatdom completes construction of Billion Zillion Trillion kilometer long Russell Stead Expressway.

Joe Blow Sixpack, Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Public Works, announced the completion of the billion zillion trillion long Russel Stead Expressway -- the world's longest paved road. The Expressway which took five years to build is two miles longer than the previous claimant to being the world's longest paved road: the Trans Harry Moore Highway, which in turn was a million miles longer than the Bull Drummond Bypass, the previous previous claimant to being the world's long paved road which in turn was five miles longer than the previous previous previous claimant to being the world's longest paved road: ............
The Russell Stead Expressway will link downtown Wuxi China Expatdom to the bottom of Andis Kaulins's pockets which are reputed to be deeper than the universe is long. The Expressway will be equipped with super-duper atomic accelerators and counter-vailing space-time continium reverse thrusters that will allow one to go to from the bottom of Andis's Kaulins pockets in only half a lifetime while at the same time ensuring that one has a chance of seeing one's relatives when one returns.
The Russell Stead Expressway will be officially opened at a ceremony during which his Majesty, the captor of the Ayatollah of Mordor, Grand Imperial Vizier of the Azanian Empire, the true liberator of Hans Island, the Consort to Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, King of the Expatdom of Wuxi China, Gorzo the Mighty will cut a ribbon.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Poop says he is being attacked unfairly by the Wuxi China Expatdom Establishment.

Iggy Poop, leader of the Wuxi China Expatdom opposition Nudist party, released the following press release:
 
"The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. The Wuxi China Expatdom cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment's cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Poop, once again ready to lead those who won't be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges the Wuxi China Expatdom faces."
 
Poop, has been under much criticism lately for his embarassing spitting out by the Kraken, and his embrace of Marxism and AlGorism."

Wuxi China Expatdom re-establishes diplomatic relations with the Land of Pudgy People with Pale Pasty-Skinned Legs.

The Capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor, so he could be tried for various crimes, was universally praised by every jurisdiction in the world but one . 
 
That one jurisdiction, the Land of Pudgy People with Pale Pasty-Skinned Legs, saw the former King of Wuxi as an inspiration.  After the toppling and fleeing of the Ayatollah of Mordor from the WCE, the LoPPwPPSL broke off diplomatic relations with the WCE.
 
"It had done my self-esteem no end of good, I thought, to see the pudgy Ayatollah of Mordor with his pale pasty-skinned legs lording it over others, terrorizing them as it were, in the Wuxi China Expatdom." said Dom Deluise, President of the LoPPwPPSL.  "I thought of the Ayatollah as my role model.  I started watching bad science fiction and horror movies, wearing baggy undershorts, defecating in the open air, to eat caramel chocolates non-stop, to not shower for days on end, to think highly of President Obama, buying albums by Mike and the Mechanics, reading Marxist literature, worshipping Al Gore, and embracing Scientology.  When the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent captured the Ayatollah of Mordor, I thought of suicide.  Of course, I quickly put the idea out of my head because it would hurt, but it shows you my frame at the time....  But then I had a change of heart.  The capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor, I soon realized, was the most important moral episode for humanity since Jesus Christ's sermon on the mount.  The Ayatollah was in fact a mounteback.  I remembered that the leaders of the Wuxi China Expatdom: Gorzo and Mango, were the most merciful and magnanimous of people.  I swallowed my pride, got on the phone, and asked Gorzo if he would take the LoPPwPPSL back...  And when I heard the loving and merciful and sincere tone of Gorzo's voice telling me how our diplomatic relations were back to normal with no strings attached, I cried a cry of shame at being forgiven so unconditionally for the previously selfish and indecent position of the  LoPPwPPSL.  God Bless Gorzo!  God Bless the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Wuxi China Expatdom to assist Shanghai China Expats with their Bed-Wetting Problems.

Prime Minister Mango today announced that the Wuxi China Expatdom has pledged to help the Shanghai China Expatdom which is currently undergoing a bed-wetting crisis. 
 
Reports from the Shanghai Expatdom indicate that 100 percent of Shanghai Expats wet their bed at least three times a week in Q1 of 2011.  The Shanghai Expatdom normal rate of bed-wetting is 80 percent at least two times a week.  The increase in bed-wetting among Shanghai Expats has resulted in crucial shortages of adult diapers.
 
Said PM Mango "It would appear that Shanghai Expats are more weak and vacillating and peevish than ever before.  I have talked to their leaders and have agreed to devote more of our WCE production facilities to making adult diapers for them."  The Wuxi China Expatdom supplies the Shanghai Expatdom with all of its adult diapers.  The WCE was the world's leading producer of Adult diapers but its' least consumer thereof.
 
Leaders of the Shanghai Expatdom blame the bed-wetting crisis on an influx to their Expatdom of Expats coming from Ontario and Maritime provinces in Canada, as well as California, USA.

Wuxi China Expatdom's World's Largest Statue "Almost Finished"


This morning PM Mango took a massive media group - from
every Expatdom in the world - for a preview inspection of
the newest building project in downtown WCE.

The towering edifice will honour one of The Expatdom's
greatest living citizens, Andis Kaulins. Handing-out a 1,374 page
media release, PM Mango told the awe-struck assembly that the statue will have a height of 89.001 metres. "But we have several things yet to be
decided upon before the sculpture will be completed", he said.

"At first we began applying the standard bronze coating, however
that is being replaced by 100% pure gold, 24 carrots."

The design came from Harry Moore, who specialises in statuesque
structures in honour of the great, distinguished, and multi-talented
Andis Kaulins. Actual construction is being undertaken by the
Super Mario Brothers. Tens of thousands of Expats are working
24 hours on the project, all of them voluntary and unpaid.

Wayne Gretzky, who winters every year in the Expatdom, was also
present at the site. He said that he was "a little envious, but after all,
Andis' successes on ice were far greater than mine."
"Andis is the Pavarotti of the rinks, and his feats include
60 hat tricks, and the fastest-ever to 500, scoring totals of 1,893
goals in 55 games, and Andis never, ever dogged it!", Gretzy exclaimed.

Among a few of the detailed decisions that haven't yet been finalised is whether
the head will be surmounted by a crown, a mitre, or perhaps
a mammoth toque, and, whether the figure will be holding a diamond-encrusted hockey stick, or possibly a representation of the thousands of NHL trophies awarded
to Andis.

PM Mango said that this is only the first of dozens of statues of Andis
that will eventually dominate the Expatdom skyline. "We have plans", he said,
"for something of even greater grandeur to be unveiled, probably a day or two before Christmas, but I'd prefer to keep that as a suprise, for now."

The formal, official dedication ceremony of this statue will be
the special privilege of either Gorzo the Mighty, or Mayor Sam Katz.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Legendary ships "Krusenstern" "The Bluenose" and "The Titanic Deluxe" will come to Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport for Hello Sailor! Days

Legendary sailing ships "Krusenstern" "The Bluenose" and "The Titanic Deluxe" will come to the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport for "Hello Sailor!" Days on July 15 – 17,  cultural fund Taihu 2011 reports.
 
Admiral Madge Swenson, chief organizer of the "Hello Sailor!" Days, in an interview with Juicy Wussy Wuxi, said he hoped all could attend what should be super-duper days at the WCE's only dock and wharf hanging out with rough and tough and burly sailors from the world over.

"Winston", "Red&White" "Harry's Choice", "Zhong Shan Hai", "Nanjing" and "Chesterfield" -- most popular cigarettes in the Wuxi China Expatdom Q1

In the first quarter of 2011, the Wuxi China Expatdom's most popular cigarettes were the brands "Winston", "Red&White",  Harry's Choice", "Zhong Shan Hai", "Nanjing" and "Chesterfield", according to information on excised goods compiled by the Wuxi China Expatdom State Revenue Service (WCESRS).

Friday, May 20, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Opposition Leader "Tofued" by Protester

Iggy Poop, leader of the opposition Nudist Party of the Wuxi China Expatdom, and his wife Twiggy were participating in a book signing at the Xinhua Bookstore on Renmin Avenue when a protestor by the name of Hans Zimmerman opened a box containing Tofu and dumped it over the two of them.  

"Here's the scoop, Poop," Zimmerman said as he poured the box of Tofu over Gingrich's head.  "Stop the hate.  Give Tofu a try.  It's more delicious than you think!"

Poop immediately started to scream "The Horror!  The Horror!  I am going to die!  This is the work of the Naturists!"  The Wuxi China Expatdom Leader Opposition leader, who was signing copies of his book The Scoop from Poop, then ran away.

This wasn't Zimmerman's first protest against a Wuxi China Expatdom politician.  In 2008, he threw shredded copies of grade "b" science fiction novels on then King of Wuxi the Ayatollah of Mordor.   Zimmerman was then thrown into a dungeon for two years till the Ayatollah was toppled.

Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, said Zimmerman is "an activist on manners of taste."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Armed Forces and Society Festival will be held in Shuo Feng in the Wuxi China Expatdom on May 21

The following news release has been republished here courtesy of the Wuxi China Expatdom Ministry of Defence.

On May 21, the Armed Forces and Society Festival will be held in Shuo Feng in the Wuxi China Expatdom. Traditionally in the Festival Wuxi China Expatdomian Armed Forces are represented by all four armed forces services, and French soldiers hiding from a combat. Visitors will be able to see military equipment and armament; soldiers demonstrating military operations, and establishing special camps; and exhibitions on military history. As well, visitors of the Festival will be provided a chance to taste military porridge!

"Once a year all forces are mobilised in one place in order to show the society what challenges Wuxi China Expatdomian Armed Forces are facing. This year again we return to Shuo Feng and I hope that the citizens and visitors to Shuo Feng once again will be actively interested in the armed forces life," said a deputy Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of National Defence Rasa Juknevičienė.

The Festival will begin with a theatrical historical procession from Shuo Feng's St. Michael the Archangel Church toward Tianyi. This procession will include XIV century Wuxi China Expatdomian soldiers, Vytautas the Great with the escort of Middle Ages knights, 1831 rebels and their leader Emilija Pliaterytė, volunteers of 1918, 2010 liberators, Naturists, partisans, and troops of today including Colonel Sanders, TE Lawrence of Nanjing, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, General Patton, and Corporal Andis Kaulins

The highlight of the Festival will be the military operation: soldiers will have to rescue journalists and bar girls taken captive by saboteurs and sexpats loyal to the Ayatollah of Mordor.  The operation will culminate in the assault of saboteurs' camp followed by a mass destroying of Ayatollah of Mordor imagery.

Large volunteer camps will be established in Shuo Feng and Tianyi this year, the slogan of the camp will be "Become a volunteer for one day ". Next to volunteers – the camp of multinational operations, soldiers and representatives of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs will share their impressions of the Wuxi China Expatdomian mission to capture the Ayatollah of Mordor in Manitoba, Canada.

Added Minister Juknevičienė, "Don't Worry Wuxi Expats!  The Festival in be complete in time for the May 22 celebrations of Harry Moore's birthday!"

Latvian food producers have not yet exhausted Wuxi China Expatdom market possibilities.

On 16 May, during the round table discussion "Opportunities in the Wuxi China Expatdom Food Market" at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Latvian Ambassador to the Wuxi China Expatdom, Martins Virsis emphasised that Latvian food products are recognised in the Wuxi China Expatdomian market for their high quality, nevertheless they need to compete with the lower prices of producers from other states and expatdoms, and with consumer loyalty to local producers, ISRIA reports.
 
Said Virisi:  "We were the first country to sell Sour Kraut Soup, Raisan Bread, and Bacon Buns in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  We have changed the basic recipes to conform to Wuxiren's desire for sweetness.  But now, sellers from the copy-cat expatdoms of Nanjing, Suzhou, Lithuania, and Denmark are moving in our market share.  I tell you now.  They will not defeat us!  We have more market possibilities for food than their philosophies could ever dream of."
 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wuxi China Sexpats award Arnold Schwarenegger Medal of Honour.

Wuxi Sexpat Party Leader John Hefner says he doesn't see what the big deal is about Maria Shriver filing for divorce from political figure/action star Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Arnold was just being a man and doing what men do.  Bat ta bat ta bing!  All he was doing was having sex!  Amscray Amscray Hosnen Pepper Whoopee!  And Arnold being a man of status and fame, it is only right that he try to please as many ladies as possible.  Yooza Yooza Yooza!  It is not like he was taking advantage of these women!  They wanted it!  Ipso Facto Iipsy dipsy dipsy doo!  I got sausage!  How do you do!  Sure it puts out the wife a bit!  But come on!  Really!  It is just a vow!  No one really takes vows seriously do they?  Hoot hoot whistle whistle woo!"
 
After this statement, Helfner then announced that the Wuxi Sexpat will award Schwarenegger the Wuxi Sexpat Medal of Hounour.  Said Hefner, "The medal honours male public figures who are unjustifiably persecuted for having sex.  Arnold is a victim here.  Really, he was living the male dream.  Living the life we all deep down aspire to.  Yahoo!  Yahoo!  Whoopee!  OHHHHHHHHH! Winning!"
 
Previous awardees of the Wuxi Sexpat Medal of Homour include among others Hugh Hefner, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Al Gore, Charlie Sheen, Newt Gingrich, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Wilt Chamberlain, Tiger Woods, and  Silvio Berlusconi.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

May 22 to be forever Harry Moore Day in the Wuxi China Expatdom

At a joint press conference, held at Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District, Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty and Prime Minister Mango today unveiled the ambitious plans they have in place to celebrate May 22, the birthday of Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame inductee and all-time best selling author Harry Moore.
 
Said Gorzo, "Harry Moore's Birthday Party on May 22, 2011 is going to be ten Royal Weddings, thrity-five V-E and V-J days, all the Olympics of the past and the future, as well as every New Year's Eve, Solar and Lunar, past and future combined into one.  May 22 will forever be a day that will serve all your party needs at a convenient and reasonable time and price!  Harry Moore is my good friend.  I could spend hours telling you some wonderful anecdotes about the man.  I could spend days and days telling you about his great qualities.  It would take years and years to count all the good he has done for every member of the Expatdom.  It will take eternity to thank him!May 22 will be forever Harry Moore Day in the Expatdom -- a paid holiday with all the beer and food you can drink.  I hope and pray that all other jurisdictions on Earth make it Harry Moore Day as well!"
 
It was up to Prime Minister Mango to announce the arrangements.  "We have thousands of activities planned for Harry Moore Day.  I can tell you that every world leader will come to the Expatdom to celebrate the birthday including Pope Benedict XVI, the leader of North Korea, and U.S.president Obama.  A billion people, at Harry Moore Memorial Square, will blow out candles for Harry on the world's largest ever birthday cake.  At the same time, a further billion people will sing happy birthday at the newly unveiled Harry Moore Memorial Square Gold.  The, also new and even bigger, Harry Moore Memorial Square Platinum, with a capacity for 3 billion people, will serve as a temporary depository for  birthday gifts and cards for Harry."
 
Asked by the assembled media about other activities planned for the day, Prime Mango winked demurely, placed fingers to the lips, and whispered softly "shh!  It is a secret!"

Monday, May 16, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom English Teacher soils pants -- returns home to change them.

Bobby Brindle, an English Teacher at Leprosy International English -- a chain of English Schools in Mainland China -- was forced to return home to change his pants which were soiled.
 
Aldus Alderon, Head Teacher, at the school said that Brindle arrived at school late for his shift which started at ten a.m. looking very disheveled, and having green and brown stains on his pants.
 
Said Alderon, "I determined that his appearance was very unprofessional and so ordered him to return home and change.  I will discuss what further disciplinary action will be taken with school management."
 
Asked if it was true that Brindle had been on a "pub crawl" the night before where he had gone to a pub with no western toilets, Alderon said "it would be very interesting if this were true because Brindle has blamed arthritis in his knee for his past tardiness."

Krupeckaite claims seat at World Tiddlywinks Championship being held in the Wuxi, China Expatdom.

Hans Krupeckaite claimed his seat at the World Tiddlywinks Championship being held in the Renaldo Niamaya room of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.

Krupeckaite, who had been boasting to his fellow engineers that he had front row seats for the quarterfinal qualification round, was surprised to find that his seat was occupied when he arrived at Championship site. 

Said Krupeckaite, "I checked my ticket and saw that the seat number and row number was right.  When I tried to point this out to the local in my seat, I was greeted with a puzzled look.  So, I found the nearest available staff who talked to the gentleman.  The gentleman, then saying "soory, soory!" yielded me my seat, so I could enjoy the tiddlywink action up close and personal."
 
The Tiddlywinks Championship will be taking place for the next months at Gambay's.  Participants from over 250 countries and expatdoms are involved.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

School offers Wuxi China Expats Toilet Training Course

The Sam Browne School for the Vocational Arts announced it has a toilet training program for Wuxi China Expats who are reluctant to use Chinese-style squat toilets.

Peter American Standard, head of the SBSVA toilet training department, in an interview with Orient Express, had the following to say about the program and courses on offer:
"For too long, Wuxi China Expats have had their dining experiences in Wuxi ruined by lack of nearby western toilets. Many an Expat, tries to "hold it" in these situation, and so ends up ruining a social outing and having medical problems later in life. A desperate Wuxi Expat, actually trying to use the squat toilet will most times have accidents, such as having poo lines on pants, and actually falling into toilets."
"Now, all these troubles can be avoided with our Expat toilet training problem. No longer, will a Wuxi Expat have to suffer discomfort, embarrassment, and shame because of a lack of a sitting toilet. After our course, an Expat will be able to squat like a local, and perhaps even better than a local as we will have the best squatting personal trainers in the world -- the German squat toilet team the einborrusiobundestoiletsquattenwaffe-- to train you."
"We have various squat toilet courses on offer to suit any Wuxi Expat's budget and situation -- whether it be the English Teacher with a drinking problem, the successful businessman with a busy schedule and places he has got to go, or the Engineer with money to burn and a harem of local girls to maintain. We have a simple three hour course where students learn how to squat in a balanced and comfortable way. We also offer a 120 hour platinum certificate-awarding course that complies with European Union, ISO, and American EPA requirements. The platinum course will not only teach the practicalities of squatting. Platinum students will also learn the history of toilets, Mandarin and Wuxi dialect phrases to use in toilet situations, environment-friendly disposal techniques, advanced squatting posture and breathing techniques, how to read while squatting, gender squatting issues, and other advanced health and safety techniques. Successful platinum graduates will receive the coveted SBSVA certificate -- a passport to a successful Chinese business experience."

"We as well offer a myriad of other programs to help Wuxi Expats adjust to local Wuxi life such as our courses in chop-stick training, basic plumbing, riding the bus, and crossing a Wuxi street."

Friday, May 13, 2011

Wuxi Expat Poet wants to wash local girls hair

Alfred Lord McClusky, Poet Laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom, is promising to shampoo the hair of local girls for free.  

Said McClusky "I have this offer to make to all Wuxi girls:  For as long as the heavens have attended us, you have all been my friends, precipitate and pragmatic. Look at what has happened to you all.  For time is nothing if not amenable.  The shooting stars in your black hair are flocking, who knows where, so straight and so soon.  Come to Gambay's Pub, this Friday, to let we wash them in my big tin basin, which is battered and shiny like the moon."

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan was said to be livid when he heard about the Poet Laureate's promotion.  "That poet punk McClusky is really pushing the envelope now!  If he goes through with this idea, he is going to spending time at his old Friday night haunt:  the WCE jail!  I am starting to wonder if our McClusky is really just a common rapper slam so-called poet."

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Tourism Bureau provides list of top ten things to do in the Wuxi China Expatdom

The Tourism Bureau, a non-profit, non-political, non-aligned, low-calorie, humanitarian, cutting-edge, environmentally-friendly, legally-compliant, non-partisan, non-cliched, person-centered, enterprise-friendly, ecumenical, non-denominational, and non-aligned organization promoting tourist and host dignity published a list of the top ten things for tourists to do in the Wuxi China Expatdom:

  1. Get drunk at Gambay's Pub.
  2. Visit the 89 m tall statue of Harry Moore on the grounds of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame.
  3. Marry your favorite inanimate object at the Gambay's Pub Wedding Chapel.
  4. Visit the Wuxi China Expatdom park of Motherhood featuring 88m statues of the mothers of Wuxi's greatest Expats.
  5. Cavort with the animals at the Wildlife Park being run concurrently with the 1912 Bar District.
  6. Take a submarine ride to the middle of Taihu Lake to see the Kraken make love to a wax representation of Barbara Streisand.
  7. Have a laugh at Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club.
  8. Join the permanent party at the Wuxi China Freeport.
  9. Sample Tofu with Hans Zimmerman.
  10. Watch a session of the Wuxi China Expatdom Monkey parliament.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate says he is in love

Alfred Lord McClusky, poet laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom, says he is in love.

"It is the miller's daughter." said McClusky.  "And she is grown so dear, so dear, that I would be the jewel that trembles in her ear:  for hid in ringlets day and night, I'd touch her neck so warm and white. And I would be the girdle about her dainty dainty waist, and her heart would beat against me, in sorrow and in rest: and I should know if it beat right, I'd clasp it round so close and tight.  And I would be the necklace, and all day long to fall and rise upon her balmy bosom, with her laughter or her sighs: and I would lie so light, so light, I scarce should be unclasp'd at night."

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan when asked about McClusky's infatuation said the following:  "McClusky been drinking again.  I have warned him.  I don't want anymore troubles with the locals complaining about Expats compromising, stalking, or otherwise taking advantage of innocent local girls."

Five English Teachers arrested in the Wuxi China Expatdom

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, arrested what he called "five English-teaching punks" last night on the streets of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  The teachers, of various nationalaties and ages, all from Leprosy International English School, were arrested on a number of morality charges in various areas of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

The first teacher arrested, said Callahan, was "dealing a little too aggressively with a local DVD vendor." "Apparently, the teacher didn't like it when the dealer told him Quentin Tarrantino was "不好."

The second teacher arrested, said Callahan, "was trying to make love to one of the baboons in the 1912 Bar District."

The other three teachers arrested, said Callahan, "were exposing themselves to the statues at the WCE Park of Motherhood.  So drunk were these men that they lost their eye glasses and so perspective.  They thought that the 88m tall statue of the Virgin Mary was life size."

Asked if he got satisfaction from his work, Callahan said, "When I put punks like these behind bars, I know I am doing no end of good for the law-abiding Expats and locals of the Wuxi China Expatdom."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen TKO's U.S.Secretary of State Clinton in first round of charity boxing match.

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: the Chosen One knocked out United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in their exhibition boxing match held Tuesday at the Wuxi China Expatdom's Business Owners Stadium. Among the more than 150,000 fans in attendance were Clark Gable, Douglas Fairbanks, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Joe Biden, Clint Eastwood, Gary Cooper, Gregory Peck, G. Gordon Liddy, and J. Edgar Hoover. The fight drew gate receipts of $100,000,015,012 all of which will go to charity.

Clinton came out of her corner trying to utilize the same style that got her the victory in her fight with intern Monica Lewinsky, with a straight-standing posture and her left hand prepared to begin jabbing. Ayira's strategy, however, was to get the fight over early. Prior to the fight she mentioned to her trainer Jack "Chappie" Blackburn that she would devote all her energy to the first three rounds, and even told Orient Express sportswriter Jimmy Cannon that she predicted a knockout in one. After only a few seconds of feinting, Ayira unleashed a tireless barrage on Clinton. Referee Arthur Donovan stopped action for the first time just over one minute and a half into the fight after Ayira connected on five left hooks and a body blow to Clinton's lower left which had her audibly crying in pain. After sending Ayira briefly to her corner, Donovan quickly resumed action, after which Ayira went on the attack again, immediately felling the Secretary of State with a right hook to the face. Clinton went down this time, arising on the count of three.

Ayira then resumed her barrage, this time focusing on Clinton's head. After connecting on three clean shots to Clinton's jaw, the Secretary of State fell to the canvas again, arising at the count of two. With few defenses left at this point, Ayira connected at will, sending Clinton to the canvas for the third time in short order, this time near the ring's center. Clinton's cornerman Max Machon threw a towel in the ring – although under Wuxi China Expatdom rules, this did not actually end the fight. Machon was therefore forced to enter the ring at the count of eight, at which point Donovan had already declared the fight over. Ayira was the winner, by a technical knockout, two minutes and four seconds into the first round. In all, Ayira had thrown 41 punches in the fight, 31 of which landed solidly. Clinton, by contrast, had been able to throw only two punches. Soundly defeated, Clinton had to be admitted People's Hospital #7. It has already been discovered that Ayira has cracked several vertebrae in Clinton's back.

Clinton and her handlers have complained that Ayira' initial volley had included an illegal kidney punch, and even refused Ayira' visitation at the hospital. However, they chosen not to file a formal complaint.

After the fight, Ayira thanked all her supporters and God for her victory. Asked what she now thought of Clinton, Ayira said "she felt sorry for her."

Pope Benedict XVI when hearing the results of the fight, declared Ayira's victory "a most blessed event."

Twenty great things about the Wuxi China Expatdom

  1. The wise rule of King Gorzo the Mighty, and the administration of Prime Minister Mango.
  2. The Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame.
  3. The Expatdom's incredible sports teams:  Wuxi Jaywalkers (baseball); Wuxi Red Guards (football), F.C. Wuxi (Soccer), Wuxi Taihu Lakers (Basketball), and Wuxi White Fish (Australian Rules Football)
  4. The permanent party at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport.
  5. The Wuxi China Expatdom law permitting human--inanimate object marriage.
  6. The wildlife park in the 1912 Bar District.
  7. Gambay's Pub -- the best Expat Pub in the world.
  8. The Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy has 20 Aircraft Carriers and counting. It also has admiral Lloyd Bridges commanding it.
  9. The world's only monkey parliament.
  10. The law enforcement and singing skills of Harry Callahan and the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio.
  11. Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky
  12. Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club
  13. The Gorzo the Mighty School for the Humanities.
  14. Queen Ayira: The Chosen One
  15. The Expatdom's commitment to free market principles.
  16. HyLite International Language School.
  17. The Elite WCE SNAKES  (Super Nudist Agile Killer Elite Squadron).
  18. Harry Moore Square with a capacity of one billion people.
  19. The Wuxi China Expatdom Park of Motherhood.
  20. 88m tall statues of Buddha, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Harry Moore, TE Lawrence, Fred Astaire, and many others.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom celebrates Fred Astaire's Birthday.

Another day; another holiday for Wuxi China Expats.
 
Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, declared Fred Astaire's birthday (May 10) a holiday.  Said Gorzo, "Fred Astaire is the greatest dancer the Wuxi China Expatdom has ever produced.  And in saying this, I mean no disrespect to Harry Moore.  "Twinkle Toes" Moore, no doubt, was a great dancer.  But, let's face it!   Moore's true talents are as a sex symbol, a philosopher, and a master prose stylist.  I also mean no disrepect to Andis Kaulins, who though technically a better dancer than Astaire, was never the complete entertainment package.  Astaire could dance, sing, play musical instruments, and do light comedy.  Moore and Kaulins also have never danced with Mango, or rather Ginger Rodgers.  Astaire and Mango, or rather Ginger Rodgers, made those great movies and for a short time, the Wuxi China Expatdom was the musical movie capital of the world -- that is, till the onset of the dark times (2004 - 2010) when the then King of Wuxi, a.k.a. the Ayatollah of Mordor, forced our movie industry to make grade "b" science fiction, slasher, and chocolate caramel movies.  Forced onto the streets, Astaire never let the humilation imposed on him by the Ayatollah dampered his spirits.  Always the natural aristocrat, his body spewing out excess grace and class, he used his dancing to perk many the spirit of a Wuxi Expat in bondage.  Astaire then played a key role in the battle of Hui Shan District where a defeated Ayatollah of Mordor, his tail betwixt his legs, fled to the New District and then to Winnipeg.  And of course who can not forget Astaire running for five touchdowns against the 1985 Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears who challenged the Wuxi Red Guards for the all-time professional football championship!"
 
To further honor Fred Astaire, the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire will be decommissioned and turned into a museum, convention center, and skating rink in the 1912 Bar District.  Also, Gambay's Pub will create a special Fred Astaire shooter, called the Top Hat, a mixture of champagne, grenadine, and diamond dust served in a mini glass top hat.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Queen Ayira throws out first pitch at Wuxi Jaywalkers baseball game.

Her Majesty, Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ph.D. Math, Ph.D. Economics, Ph.D. Physics, Ph.D. Chemistry, Ayria: the Chosen threw out the ceremonial first pitch at last night's baseball game between the Wuxi Jaywalkers and the Shanghai Expos.  
 
Ayira's 120 mph curveball sailed over Skywalker catcher Jerry Carter's head.  Still, the 80,000 fans at Wuxi's KFC park gave Ayira a warm ovation.

Later, Ayira joined Wuxi Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan for a seventh inning stretch rendition of "Take me out to the ball game."  After performing seven encores, the ball game, which saw the Jaywakers trounce the Expos 27-0, was able to resume.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Wuxi China Expatdom celebrates Mother's Day and Frederich Hayek's Birthday.

Wuxi Expats have a dirge of things to celebrate on May 8th, which will be a super double golden day because it is both Mother's and Frederich Hayek Day in their Expatdom.

To celebrate Frederich Hayek's birthday, the Expatdom will put up an 88m meter tall statue of the great economist and recent Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame member next to the 89m tall statue of Harry Moore Publishers of the smash international best-seller the Poolside Harry Moore have published a special May 8th edition of the book which will come with insert copies of Hayek's two great books the Constitution of Liberty and the Road of Serfdom.

To mark Mother's Day, the Expatdom will put up 88m tall statues of the mothers of the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent, Mary: the mother of Jesus Christ, and the mother of Frederich Hayek. The statues will be placed in the newly created Wuxi China Expatdom park of Motherhood. The statues of Christina and Maria the Mighty, Doris: The Chosen One, Francine Minkleman, Harriette Callahan, the Virgin Mary, and Sophia Hayek will all be coated in 22k gold.

Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China will have a special 4-for1 deal for Moms on Mother's Day. Mothers of Wuxi China Expats will be able to buy four beers, cocktails, and/or shots of spirits for the price of one regularly priced drink all May 8th.

Wuxi Expat King Gorzo reports Obama phoned him for advice in the crucial hours before the raid on the Osama Compound.

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi Expatdom, said that U.S. President Obama phoned him many times before the raid on the Osama Compound.  In fact, Gorzo said that he received so many calls from Obama, during a sixteen hour stretch, that he finally had to take his office phone off the hook, and turn off his mobile phone.  "After fifteen hours," said Gorzo, "I phoned Obama back.  Before I hung up on him, he did say something about wanting to kill Osama, and so I told him not to be a pussy. "Man up!  Just do it!  Tell your generals it's a go!""

Friday, May 6, 2011

U.S. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton arrives in the Wuxi China Expatdom for charity boxing match against Ayira.

Air Force Schwartz, the U.S. Secretary of State's official plane, touched down today at the Wuxi Airport depositing Secretary Clinton in the Expatdom for her charity boxing match against WCE Queen Ayira: The Chosen One.

Tickets for the fight, which is to be held next Tuesday at 150,000 seat WCE Business Owner's Stadium, have been sold out for months.  Scalpers are now getting one million rmb or 50,000 copies of the Poolside Harry Moore for a seat 150 meters from the ring.  Ringside seats are now beyond the reach of even the United States Treasury which may have to start QE3 program to finance one ticket for V.P. Joe Biden.  Biden, says he has been a big boxing fan, boasting that he was at the two Mike Tyson - Max Baer fights in the 1930s.  Asked for a prediction on the upcoming fight, Biden said he can't remember who won the fights for it was so long ago.

Though the fight is strictly an exhibition match for charity, bad blood between Queen Ayira and Secretary Clinton has given this fight the potential to be perhaps the greatest in history.  

Ayira has previously said "that Clinton, the cuckoldess, to quote James Joyces,  was a hoaring pandemonium of ills, enlarged glands, mumps, quinsy, bunions, hayfever, bedsores, ringworm, floating kidney, Derbyshire neck, warts, bilious attacks, gallstones, cold feet, and varicose veins." "A true woman," she added, "wouldn't have put up with Bubba's infidelities.  She would have had him clipped, if you know what I mean.  I will destroy wannabe mister pant suits in our match.  Mark my words."  

Secretary Clinton in response, said, "That is rich coming from a woman who is married to a bald-headed Paul Krugman look-a-like.  All Ayira has done has married into Queenhood. Over the past 25 years, I have worked persistently on issues relating to women, children and families. Over the past two-and-a-half years, I have had the opportunity to learn more about the challenges facing women in my own country and around the world. I have met new mothers in Jojakarta, Indonesia, who come together regularly in their village to discuss nutrition, family planning, and baby care. I have met working parents in Denmark who talk about the comfort they feel in knowing that their children can be cared for in creative, safe, and nurturing after-school centers. I have met women in South Africa who helped lead the struggle to end apartheid and are now helping build a new democracy. I have met with the leading women of the Western Hemisphere who are working every day to promote literacy and better health care for the children of their countries. I have met women in India and Bangladesh who are taking out small loans to buy milk cows, rickshaws, thread and other materials to create a livelihood for themselves and their families.  I have met woman doctors and nurses in Belarus and Ukraine who are trying to keep children alive in the aftermath of Chernobyl. What has Queen Bitch done?  Huh?!?  She has grown soft as a princess!"

Originally, the fight was scheduled to be three rounds, but intermediaries between the two fighters' camps, have agreed to make the fight fifteen rounds and bare-knuckled.  Marquis of Queensberry rules have been dropped so that kicking and pulling of hair is allowed.

Famous boxers from all over the world have picked sides in this fight.  Mike Tyson will be sitting in Clinton's corner during the fight.  George Foreman will be in Ayira's.

Both fighters have adopted a vigorous training regime for the fight.  Clinton is running 75 miles a day and has stopped eating chocolate cake for the week.  Ayira is training with Chuck Norris who has made her run to infinity and back three times.

Ayira, asked if being pregnant with triplets might be a handicap, in the fight said she wasn't worried.  "I predict I will knock out Ms. Pants Suit in thirty seconds!  Said a confident but poised Ayira.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Wuxi Expat reports seeing Mermen and Mermaids in Lake Taihu

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate McClusky reports seeing Mermen and Mermaids in Lake Taihu.  

Said McClusky, "I saw a merman bold, sitting alone, singing alone, under the lake, with a crown of gold, on a throne. I then saw some other merman join him. And some fair mermaids too."

McClusky then fantasized about being a Merman. Said McClusky, "I would be a merman bold. I would sit and sing the whole of the day. I would fill the sea-halls with a voice of power; but at night I would roam abroad and play with the mermaids in and out of the rocks, dressing their hair with the white sea-flower; and holding them back by their flowing locks I would kiss them often under the sea, and kiss them again till they kiss'd me laughingly, laughingly. And then we would wander away, away to the pale-green sea-groves straight and high, chasing each other merrily. There would be neither moon nor star; but the wave would make music above us afar-- low thunder and light in the magic night-- neither moon nor star. We would call aloud in the dreamy dells, call to each other and whoop and cry all night, merrily, merrily. They would pelt me with starry spangles and shells, laughing and clapping their hands between, all night, merrily, merrily. But I would throw to them back in mine turkis and agate and almondine. Then leaping out upon them unseen, I would kiss them often under the sea, and kiss them again till they kiss'd me laughingly, laughingly. Oh! What a happy life were mine under the hollow-hung ocean green! Soft are the moss-beds under the lake. We would live merrily, merrily."

Harry Callahan, asked to comment on McClusky's claims said, "He's been drinking again! He probably saw those Ontario, Canada Expats who were living in the stomach of the Kraken! Still, if those sweet lyrics can get all the Wuxi Sexpats to jump in a lake, or rather in Tai Lake, I won't knock it! Heck, if he gets those Wuxi Sexpats out of my hair, I'd recommend we pay him a salary for his versifying!"

Another Wuxi Expat Wedding -- Another Tragedy

Tragedy struck another Wuxi Expat Wedding on Wednesday.   

Spuds McKenzie, a hard-headed Scotsman, who came to the Expatdom so he could marry a russet potato he called Spudema, asked staff to clean the potato for the wedding ceremony.  Staff took the potato to the wash area where they not only cleaned Spudema but also peeled her as well.

Seeing his bride defaced, McKenzie fainted.  When aroused, he became inconsolable, and it was only through the intervention of Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan that McKenzie was prevented from committing suicide.

Wuxi China Expatdom wedding bureau officials said they would investigate what was the second case of an inanimate object wedding partner being ruined by overzealous catering staff.  On Monday, a woman marrying a wedding cake experienced the horror of the cake being cut up.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Wuxi China Expat book outsells the Bible

The Poolside Harry Moore, a coffee table sized books full of photos and pull-out posters of Harry Moore, as well as some of his fiction and non-fiction prose, has already sold 5 billion copies worldwide since it was published on Tuesday. This five billion number exceeds the estimated 3.9 billion copies of the Holy Bible and 800 million copies of the Little Red Book that have been printed, but not necessarily sold.

Asked for a reason for the incredible popularity of the book, Orient Express Publisher Wayne "Funk" Wagnall said that Moore's charisma is without precedent in world history, and that he and Moore made a deliberate decision to make the book unsuitable for computer reading. "The book's 20 by 30 meter poster of Moore by the poolside cannot be seen on any Kindle or I-Pad that I know of. Moore and I also agreed on a means-testing pricing policy where the poorer people of the world didn't have to give up too much of their income to buy every one in their family a book. Moore's writing style is also brilliant. Who else can write in a way that appeals to children, Penthouse readers, and the Pope? Moore is also Mangoish in his physicality. In fact, Moore is a totally unique combination of saint and sex symbol. And so, this is probably the only book in the world, that appeals to everybody in the world, without exception."

Stories of the purchases of the Poolside Harry Moore have already entered into the annals of legend. It is said that Osama Bin Landen blew his cover when he decided to ignore security protocols and ask his courier to bring him a copy of the Poolside Harry Moore right away. Bill Gates has said to have spent all his bank account on buying the Poolside Harry Moore -- Gates wants to have the book no more than one foot away from him and all Microsoft employees at all times. In Africa, people have reportedly walked a hundred miles to buy a copy of the book. Charlie Sheen has bragged of buying 10,000 copies of the book, as well as cited the massive purchase as proof that he was "winning!" Republicans have agreed to raise the debt ceiling to a zillion dollars in the U.S. so that every citizen of the country can have 100 copies of the book and even illegals can have 25. A Rich Arab Oil Sheik has reportedly placed an order for 10 billion copies of the book.

The book's popularity is scaring world governments. The Chinese Communists are trying now to produce Chariman Mao in the Bedroom, a coffee table book they hope can make their citizens forgot about Harry Moore. Hugo Chavez's efforts to ban the book have put him in direct conflict with Colombian drug lords who are smuggling books into the country. Many political scientists see despots, the world over, falling as a result of the Poolside Harry Moore instilling their subjects with wonder, passion, and a lust for freedom and decency.

Wuxi China Expatdom Singer's New Albums Go Gold




Andis Kaulins, the Wuxi China Expatdom's greatest vocalist - (amongst his
other equally-outstanding pursuits), newest vinyl albums have achieved Triple
Gold sales-status. Andis, more-popularly known to his legions of adoring fans
as 'AK', or 'THE Voice', is the resident crooner at Gambays, backed by (the almost as famous as him)WCE Trio.

Sales of the new albums have exceeded 28 billion copies, within three days of their
release, both within the Expatdom and throughout the world.

Last night, performing at Gambays' new four billion-seat auditorium, AK told his SRO audience that his new albums are "dedicated to a close and wonderful friend, Harry Moore". AK, interviewed by Orient Express said that he was heartbroken that Harry Moore couldn't be there for the concert. "He would've been here, but he's really busy at home just now"

"Harry called me to say that he'd bought 1,327 copies of my new records, but right now he's trying to repair his gramophone. Said he'd been playing my records night and day, so often that his sub-woofer speakers went into melt-down. As much as I love that guy, well, every now and again he has to spoil it all by doing something stupid, he he he!"


In a live web-cam hook-up in Gambays' auditorium, Harry Moore said that "AK is my closest, dearest friend, confidant, and inspirational role model. His singing, well!,
he's a living legend, just up there in the stratosphere.
"I admire, nay, worship him, for his exuberant, outstanding talents and virtues. Sorry I can't be with you right now, AK,and all of those billions of people there tonight - but if I could fly like birds on high, then straight to you,
AK, I'd go sailin' ".


"Andis' attributes, well he's too shy to speak about such things himself. "To sum him up, briefly, Andis possesses meekness, wisdom, truthfulness, courtesy, humanity, manliness, humour, charisma,perserverance,tenacity, spiritul authority, compassion, confidence and - I also know him as a self-assured, yet modest, man, who plans each chartered course, each careful step along the Expat highway - and more, much more than that, he does it his way". "But oh!, Harry suddenly exclaimed, "I mustn't hold up your show, AK - we all love ya!"

Taking the Gambays stage, AK sang a selection of songs from the albums, including these great smash-hits:

- "Come Fly With Harry";
- "Somewhere, Beyond Wu-xi";
- "Harry Waits For Me";
- "Bit Off More Than He Could Chew";
- "With His False Teeth, Dear";
- "And He Cleans Them Pearly-White";
- "When We Said Our First Hello";
- "Little Did I know";
- "Harry Was Just A Glance Away";

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK BY THE WCE TRIO ("Take it away, boys!", shrilled AK).

- "Ahh, He's Far";
- "Uh-Huh, Yeah!";
- "Yes Harry Is";
- "Beyond The Stars";
- "He's Near Beyond The Moon";
- "Wooo!";
- "Yah!";
- "Do Be";
- "Harry Do".


After the 5 hour, 448-encore show, the Orient Express reporter overheard
Fred Minkleman telling his twin brother Frank Minkleman, that he'd overheard Gorzo The Mighty saying to Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis that he wanted to see him tomorrow, in the Hall, to discuss something "hush-hush".