Ask a Wuxi Expat #1: Archduke Sir Harry Moore

The Wuxi China Expatdom Blog is proud to announce present the first of a series of interviews of prominent and long-time Wuxi Expats:  Ask a Wuxi Expat.

The  first guest of this series is Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore, one of the most accomplished Expats in Wuxi China exaptdom history. 

Is there anything the two-time inductee in the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame hasn't accomplished?  As president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society,he has survived a thousand assassination attempts and has not let the threat of a assassin's bullet or knife or atomic bomb stop him from delivering his inspiring film lectures to audiences as big as ten million people all over the world.  The WCE ambassador to the Vatican has made love to more women than Wilt Chamberlain or Chairman Mao.  And he ended up marrying the most unattainable woman in history:  Miss Moneypenny.  He was first inducted into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame for his baseball accomplishments -- an incredible thing for an Australian.  He wrote the best selling book of all time which also included photos of him in a swimsuit:  The Poolside Harry Moore -- a book which straddled the lines between literature, philosophy and coffee table book.  He was inducted for a second time to the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame for his contributions to the cinema.  He was the first man to make love on the Moon and on Mars.  And there are the many untold acts of charity and generosity he has done while adopting many disguises.  Moore is truly one great Wuxi Expat.

The WCE Blog, represented by Andis Kaulins,  was able to interview the Archduke two months ago, at his modest 145th floor penthouse apartment in the Casa Bella Kaulins 360 Degree Building in Downtown Wuxi, where he had allowed himself a brief moment of rest before his trip to Mars with the Shenzhan 6 Mission. 

WCE Blog:  How did you come to the Wuxi China Expatdom? 

                                                               

 HM:  Well, firstly, may I say how thrilled I feel to be interviewed by you, Andis. As you know, I've been interviewed by so many famous TV/media hosts, such as Larry King, (and his brother, Don), Conan the Barbarian, Ellen de G, and a few others. But none of those people possessed your caliber and insight, Andis.   I'd left my native-homeland, Down Under, a couple of times and lived in other, remote Expatdoms.  Just that those other places weren't my cup of tea.  When I answered the call to join you in the Wuxi China Expatdom, it was my Road-to-Damascus moment, yes, the turning-point in my life. In terms of specific details, I arrived aboard a big airliner, and there you were to greet me after touch-down. You picked me up in that stretched-limo, and as we sat and talked, why, I immediately realized that you were the most wonderful, humorous (knee-slapping), intelligent, intuitive, and charismatic Expat I'd ever encountered.  Of course, that was just the curtain-raiser for my first glimpse of the WCE. And right then and there, I felt just like Dorothy. Yes, that marvelous scene, as you will recall, with Toto and......[Andis coughs politely to steer the Archduke back on-topic, "we'll cover the cinema in just a moment, Harry"]

      "Also, Andis, at that time, things weren't good back home. A despotic man named Rudd had seized control of my country. We suffered pogroms. People like me were as mad as hell, and couldn't take it anymore. DVD stores were crammed with Michael Moore boxed-sets, Quentin Tarantino Special Editions, and all-manner of Trotskyite-influenced movies. Adam Smith was banned in primary schools. Keynes made mandatory in high schools. So, I jet-planed out before the Fabianists jet-planed me!

WCE  Blog:  Can you tell us about your youth? What was it like be friends with G. Gordon Liddy and Clint Eastwood? You must have lots of tales to tell us!

HM  "Clint Eastwood, - oh, yes. Must've been back in, let's see, around '74. I did the 'Mansions Of The Stars' tour in LA. But that became very boring, so I left the tour-bus and took a stroll down Rodeo. Bumped into Jack, Bob, and  Roman, (who was in a spot of bother at that time). Felt like a coffee, and right there, in that cafe, was The Man With No Name himself! Why, I wet my pants.  "Lots of people have this mistaken-image of Clint as the rugged tough-guy who is a mean guy with a Magnum .44, and a hard-hitter with his big fists. But, after we spoke, and gradually became close friends, I saw the real Clint, - a kind, straight, gentle guy.  Heck, whenever I'm in times of trouble, I go see him at his place, and we line-up a few  tossed hubcaps and shoot 'em down. Always makes my day. I consider Clint as my therapist, as well as a dear, sweet friend. And of course, he's definitely on our side of the fence. In many ways, Clint is the natural-successor to another great friend, (sadly, no longer with us), Bill Holden. I first met Bill on the set of - [Andis, again, deftly steers the Archduke back on-track].  "Oh! I'm sorry!  Andis, before I forget, Clint called me just last night. He's on his way to Ohio right-now, but he asked me to pass-on his warmest regards to you, Andis. Told me to give you a great big smooch, but this being a family-show and-all, err, might have to leave that to him, next time he comes here to stay at your place, I think.   He sure does admire you, Andis. He refers to you as "The Greatest Living Canadian".

                                                                                                                                                 

 "Now, G.Gordon,  I don't know where to begin. First met him at about the time he arrested Dr Timothy Leary. Would've been about 1966, or maybe 1967. GG was the kind of guy I liked. Subversive longhaired-prevert types were ripping-up the fabric-cornerstones of civilization in those days. I don't know if I can tell you much about GG that hasn't been written already, Andis. Except, he did ask me to help him out with a quote he was having trouble with, you know, the one about liberals and their debts. So I suggested he change "our money", to "your money.". He loved that one. Gave me an autographed bullet-proof vest in gratitude. 

WCE:  What is your favorite film? 

       

HM:  "Andis, now you really are putting me on-the-spot!  And I thought Gordon was a hard-hitter!  [Long pause]  I'll simply have to nominate two choices for that.  I love the Expatdom's masterpiece production, "Wuxitown", with that stellar cast of Jack Michaelson, Done Fadeaway, and Athens Polanski. Crowned, of course, by your prefectionist cinematography, Andis.  Gripping.  Just so many other great movies, but, in equal first-place  has to be 'Lawrence of Arabia'. Sir David's brilliance; a 'miracle of a film', I'd call it. I watch it frame-by-frame, with the zoom-feature, so I can drill-down to the individual micro-pixels. Andis, do you like the Turkish bey sado-masochistic-flogging sequence, err, that is, the suggestive allusion to a scene of that nature?    I don't.  I don't believe he was a homo sapiens. No, I like the crossing-the-Sinai-to-the-Suez-Canal-where-the-British-officer-on-the-motorbike-calls-out-to-Lawrence 'Who Are You?' scene best. I have a audio-recording of Sir David's lecture to the BFI, on that intricate scene. Fascinating, because this resonates with the allegoric-motif that is thematic of Robert Bolt's reflection on the enigmatic and elusive Lawrence.  And, now I think of it, so too was Kubrick's........ [Andis swiftly presents the next question].

WCE Blog:  Who has had the most influence on your art, thought, and philosophy? 

HM:  "Well, that's an easy one, - you, Andis.   I won't ramble-on here about Carl Sagan, David Selznik, Pope John Paul II, Sir David Lean, Ronald Reagan, Claude Monet, Shakespeare, Sir Isaac Newton, Field-Marshal Montgomery, Jack Hawkins, William Wyler,  Sea Biscuit, Richard The Lionheart, Terri Hatcher, Jerry Lewis, Oskar Schindler/Liam Neeson, Carl Rogers, Brunel, Peter Lorre, Rommel, et al!. No, no, 'pretentiousness is the trait of the Devil!'. Frank Minkleman told me that. 

WCE Blog:  This may seem like a dumb question. But given all your great accomplishments, how many hours do you sleep in a day?

HM:  "No such thing as a dumb question, Andis. Let me ask you, did you ever see "Die Another Day", starring Pierce Brosnan as 007?  That's right, yes, he was in deadly combat with an arch-villain, a Nork who had his face and brain re-constructed, and then he masqueraded as a sneering upper-class Brit industrialist. ("Gustav Graves"). That evil Nork guy caught a slug in his brain which disabled his need for sleep. But he was still responsive to external stimuli, and so, being awake all the time, he was able to build a mighty business empire.  That appealed to me, so I asked my doctor about it. But my doctor declined to fire a gun at my head. 'Oh, OK , I thought, I'll figure-out a different way then. Couldn't get in touch with Gordon just at that time, so I altered my circadian-rhythms myself. Yes, there is a method with that rhythm. You don't need a dance-band either.  "On average, maybe three or four hours in any given 24-hour cycle. No problems whatsoever!   [Long pause,  'Andis, can you repeat that last question, please?'].  No amphetamines, stimulants, booze, sex, or any other harmful things needed. Wait, I tell a lie, -  cigarettes. And coffee. The Expatdom is a smoker's paradise!  I know this tobacconist-guy down in Chong Ning Road (think he is an Amish man) who sells me the cheapest cigarettes in any Expatdom anywhere! (here, a pack of Kools for you, Andis). 

WCE Blog:  Who is your favorite Wuxi Expat? 

As a lifelong amateur military-buff, I like men-in uniform. Women in-uniform are even better, of course. So, this is a noodle-scratcher. [Andis leans-forward, silent, steady eye-contact. The Archduke won't get off this hook!].  "Right, I'll say Commodore Lloyd Bridges.  Ahhh, but as President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society (WCEFAS) I idolize great film-makers too, therefore, my vote goes to Andis Kaulins, The English Teacher and Lord of The Tewb. When Clint returns from the campaign-trail, he and I are going to sit-down and begin penning the draft screenplay for the Andis Kaulins movie-trilogy. Would you like to portray yourself, Andis, or maybe use a Shakespearean-trained actor instead? Kenneth Branagh would render you quite well, although he is a little short, maybe? 

[Andis replies:- George Clooney with the brain of Thomas Sowell]

WCE Blog:  Of your many great endeavors, of which are you most proud? 

HM:  Oh, Andis, you are naughty! Modesty prevents me! 

However, since you ask, I'll say that it was being chosen to serve as god-parent to Wally Droop's love-child. (who, oddly, bears a striking-resemblance to 

Prince Leonard of Nimoy's third-removed cousin).

And 'The Poolside Harry Moore' gives me pride. Although, the strange thing is that I cannot recall how, when, and where, I put that together. 

Lastly, and most-pridefully, I am the only person on this planet-Earth who hasn't seen

that (so-called) movie which has blue alien people in it.  

WCE Blog:  Can you tell us about your romance with Miss Moneypenny? Is it true that you had to overcome opposition from her parents? And if so, how did you overcome it? 

HM:  "Yes, that is true. Miss Moneypenny and I had a lengthy courtship. We danced-around for a long time.  Miss, that is, Mrs. Miss Moneypenny's folks are high society people. A charming couple, but they didn't warm to my antipodean-homespun background at all.  But I was, and am, besotted with Mrs Miss Moneypenney, therefore considerable effort was needed to plight my troth. [(!) AK, this is impossible! My responses are pretentiously-worded lectures! Ohh, I'll get shot for this. I hope that anyone who might read this will realize that I'm going over the top!  And, are you familiar with the slang expression "brewer's droop"?   It's an Aus idiom (and in Brit usage too, I think.) Relates to the physical effects of too much alcohol on the male 'parts',  I am too prudish, and too hysterical, right-now, to go into detail! Wally Droop! oh, what a hoot.]. 

"So I covertly studied your speech-mannerisms in an effort to smooth-over the rough-hewn Wally Droop-speak. I can't drink dry Martinis, as you know, so I faked that with apple-juice. Yes, lovely pingo. Her father had a military background, so he was impressed when I showed him the Walther. He never realised that the 'Walther' was a plastic water-pistol either. Eventually, they came around, and so they consented to give me  their lovely daughter's hand. 

WCE Blog:  Describe your relationship with His Majesty King Gorzo the Mighty.

HM:  Purely platonic. Like you and the tens of billions of Expats in the realm, he fills me with awe. Awe. I haven't seen him very often, however, when he makes his regal-process down Zhongshan, he doesn't 'walk', - he glides. We must wonder if he is an ethereal being, perhaps?  My loyalty to His Majesty has no bounds. If ever He, or any of our Royal family were threatened, I'd be the first to draw my sword and rush to their defence.

WCE Blog:  What three words would you use to describe the Wuxi China Expatdom? 

HM:  "Ars Gratia Artis"

WCE Blog:  What epitaph do you want inscribed on your grave stone? 

HM:  (laughs) "ha-ha-ha! I'd have to say that I don't want the epitaph.  I heard they have planned for Jefferey Archer: "Here Lies J. Archer". Woo! (Forgive me, that's not a funny joke).  Truth is, I prefer a aquatic exit.  Yes, that my carcass be committed to the beautiful algaeic-petalled waters of Lake Taihu, please. And no need for the "Astaire", or any Commander Bridges naval-style send-off. No, only that when you, and other Expat surfers are out there hanging-ten, I'll be smiling and content too, I assure you! 

WCE Blog:  Thank you for the interview Archduke!

HM:  The pleasure is all mine!  Anything I can do to help the greatest blog in all of human history!

Halloween Is The One Day a Year that Many Wuxi Expats Wear Clothes

A Martian visiting the Wuxi China Expatdom on October 31st, would not know the the WCE was a Naturist Realm.

"The Halloween Holiday!" says Gambay's Pub co-owner Frank Minkleman, "It is the one day of the year that everyone in the WCE wears clothes.  Now, they don't really dress in costumes per se.  On Halloween day, Wuxi Expats basically all wear jeans, shirts and socks.  The kind of things that people in less-enlightened jurisdictions wear everyday!"

Ivan Fence, a Wuxi Expat who comes from a family that has been Naturist for many generations, finds dressing on Halloween to be a challenge.  "To begin with, I don't know where these pieces of clothes are meant to be worn.  Do you wear them on your head or on your feet?  Do you put your legs in the holes in the clothes or do your feet in?  And then I get told that I am wearing the clothes inside out and backwards!  It all looks the same to me!  But what baffles me more than anything is why you need to wear underwear!  It is so restrictive!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Obama Phone Group Fires Court Jester

Johnny "Smartypants" Goldwater Orwell's stint as the official court jester of the Obama Phone Group of the Wuxi China Expatdom came to an end, only a few days after it had began.

Orwell, who had just been appointed the OPGWCE's Court Jester just last week, said he was forced to resign because of what he termed "irreconcilable artistic differences" as well as  what he said was "an inability on the part of the Obama Phone People to take a joke!"

"Joe Stain, the secretary of the OPGWCE didn't like any my knock-knock jokes that went along the lines of:  Knock-knock!  Why are you knocking on my door at three o'clock in the morning?!?" said Orwell.

The Wuxi Obama Phone Group had hired Orwell during the craze for Court Jesters started by the WCE King's appointment of Blogger Andrew Cowlinch to the post of official royal court jester of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Court Jesters Are The Latest Wuxi Elite Expat Fad

Court Jesters are the now the thing that every high society Wuxi Expat  and Wuxi Expat Organizationmust must have, thanks to Their King Gorzo the Mighty appointing Blogger Wussie Andrew as his royal court jester.

Those Expats, who can afford it, are paying top dollar to get low-wage English teachers to entertain them, members of their retinues, and their distinguished guests, by wearing brightly colored clothes and eccentric hats in a motley pattern, by storytelling, by performing acrobatics, by making music, by juggling and by displaying comedic skills of great jest and wit.  Those who can't are either selling their Shetland Ponies or cutting back on their breakfast hot dog consumption to rent Jesters for parties.

Major Wuxi China Expatdom organizations like Gambay's Pub, The Pink Kitty Pub, The Santiago Cafe, Johnny's Canadian Bar, Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club, the Apple Blossom Pub, Dangle's Participle Pub for English Teachers, the Wuxi China Exaptdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society, the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society, the Wuxi Sexpat Feminist Alliance, The Naturist Party, The Nudist Party, the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association, and even the Wuxi China Expatdom Obama Phone Group have appointed court jesters of their own.

"There has never been a better time to be in the Court Jester Industry than now!"  said Yakushev Hardy, owner of Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club in Wuxi.

Wuxi Expat Pub’s Hamburger Buns to be made with Dobeles Dzirnavnieks flour

A contractual agreement between Latvia's Dobeles Dzirnavnieks and Poland's Fresh Start Bakeries Piekarnie Sp. z o.o. – producer of hamburger buns for Gambay's Pub in the Shanghai China Expatdom, will now have the buns in the Wuxi Gambay's Pub and the Pink Kitty Pub prepared with Dobeles Dzirnavnieks flour.

The announcement of the contractual agreement was made at a press conference held at the Wuxi Worker's Stadium.  The 70,000 seat Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in 1he 1912 Bar District, the normal site of Wuxi China Expatdom press conferences, was too small to accommodate all the media members interested in the agreement.

Frank Minklemen, co-owner of the Gambay's Pub told the 160,000 members of the media that he looked forward to, what should prove to be, a long-term lucrative relationship with the Dobeles Dzirnavieks Flour company.  "When I was Riga, I went to a McDonald's and was really impressed with the quality of the bun in the Big Mac.  When I later had a broiled shark steak burger at the Nanjing Road Gambay's in Shanghai, I had a similar sensational feeling about the burger buns.  I decided to conduct an investigation and discovered in both cases that Dobeles Dzirnavieks was the maker of the flour used in the bun!"

Dressed in a provocative pair of shorts that displayed his legs to perfection as well as a tight sleeveless pink t-shirt, Pink Kitty owner Wally Droop said that whatever Minklemen said he agreed with and that he used Doddle Dzazzlenik  flour for all his baking, whether of his private or public parts.

Yajins Dobeles, creator of the flour, when asked if he took offence to Droop's mispronunciation of his product's name, said that Droop was Australian and so allowances had to be made.  

Milos Piekarnie, of Poland's Fresh Start Bakeires, told the assembled crowd that he loved dealing with the Wuxi Expats.  "It is much better than dealing with Godless Communistic Crony Capitalistic Russians!" said the Polish baker. Pekarnie also trumpeted his relationship with Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore.  "My good and esteemed friend Harry agreed, for a pittance, to provide the commentary track for the Polish DVD edition of Lawrence of Arabia.  Not knowing any Polish before doing the project, Harry gained fluency in the language in a week, and thus did the commentary using the most elegant and idiomatic Polish imaginable!  Listening to the commentary track, many Poles had thought that the legendary Adam Mickiewicz had come back from the dead!"

Marauding Bands of Wuxi Expat Vikings Can't Earn Respect of The Locals

Doug the Dastardly, who says he is a real Viking born of Viking stock, can't understand why he and his marauding band of Vikings can't put fear into the locals.

"It is really embarrassing " says Dastardly.  "I and my merry band of really very vicious Vikings have raped and pillaged in Europe, South America, Outer and Inner Mongolia, and the Canadian Province of Saskatchewan, and we have put fear in the hearts of people where ever we have gone!  But not in Wuxi!  Usually when people see the fierce-some prow of our ships coming up their rivers and canals they flee.  And if they can't flee, they kill themselves rather than dealing with the likes of us!  But in Wuxi, they just roll over and laugh.  It makes it hard for us to pillage and rape when people don't fear us or take us seriously!"

Dastardly and his band of green hat wearing toughs, to a man, have reported the same reaction where ever they have gone on raids in Wuxi.  The Vikings who can work through the mirth, and go on to rape and pillage locals, said their victims just won't stopping laughing at them.

"I just don't understand what we are doing wrong!" lamented Dastardly's second-in-command Hagar the Horrifying.  "It is a real shame!  You would think that with Wuxi being so close to Lake Taihu and the Chang Jiang (Yangtze) River,  and with Wuxi having an extensive network of canals and rivers, that Vikings would be a natural fit here.  But no!  Instead, we feel like Rodney the Can't-Get-Respect from Orillia, Ontario!"

Wuxi China Expat King Appoints a Court Jester

In an announcement that shocked some, angered a few, saddened but one, and was treated by others with indifference, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty told the world that he had appointed the blogger known as Wussie Andrew to the post of Court Jester Unemeritus of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"As Court Jester, foolish Wussie Andrew will have a duty to entertain me, members of my royal court, and my distinguished guests by wearing brightly colored clothes and eccentric hats in a motley pattern, storytelling, performing acrobatics, making music, juggling and displaying comedic skills of great jest and wit!" said His Majesty to a standing room only press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  

Anticipating criticism that he was trying to revive an medieval custom that was out of steps with the times in the Wuxi China Expatdom, His Majesty then said:  "Far too Wuxi Expats take themselves too seriously.  Far too many Wuxi Expats have questionable morals!  I know I suffer from the former vice, and thanks to my wife, I have given up the latter.  But that was only because I was able to read the Wussie Expatdom Blog authored by Wussie Andrew with occasional articles provided by Pierce Brosland.  What others found offensive in the Wussie Blog, I found to be right on the mark and a source of a good chuckle and instruction!  And besides, also being a big fan of Shakespeare, I realized that my so-called "modern" monarchy was missing something!"

Wussie Andrew, author of the Wussie China Expatdom Blog, told the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog that he was very proud to have been rewarded the post of Wuxi China Expatdom Court Jester Unemeritus.  "I now have a chance to tell truth to power, instead of truth to the human fallible natures and foibles of Wuxi Expats.  I welcome the opportunity to amuse and entertain all the great and powerful people of the world who will come to fawn over His Most Majestic and Bald Majesty!  I also like the big boost to my income that being court jester gives me.  Boy oh Boy!  What a Gig!  Take my old job!  Please!" said the blogger as his attempt at a somersault saw him land in a bowl full of live crabs.

Wussie Andrew blogged for eight years in the Wuxi China Expatdom before finally making his position as its jester official.  Living in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi with his wife Wilma and son Bam Bam, Wussie Andrew had provided for his family by teaching English and working part-time as a food-taster for more wealthy Wuxi Expat Engineers.  He will officially become the WCE court jester in a ceremony to be held at Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club.

Shanghai Expats Insist that They are Not Diminished by Being Wuxi China Expatdom Colonials

A Shanghai Expat delegation to the Wuxi China Expatdom told the WCE Blog that they in no way felt diminished by the fact that their Expatdom was a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Ogg, a financial consultant  in Shanghai, told the WCE Blog that being a Wuxi Expat Colonial made his life so much better.  "Before!  Food no good!" said Ogg.  "Now it is good!"

Moggo, a German Engineer who works in Shanghai, told the WCE Blog that he lives more comfortably in Shanghai because of gifts from the Wuxi China Expatdom like fire and flush toilets .  "Before!  Me cold!" said Moggo.  "Now me can be warm all year!  Also, no piles of poop in my apartment!"

Ugho, who teaches English in Shanghai, told the WCE Blog that he appreciated the kindness of Wuxi Expats.  He made it a point  to thank the WCE Sisters of Charity for their help in his learning how to use fire.  "Mother Teresa show me how it is better to hold food over fire with a stick than using my hands!  Now I not burn my hands!" said Ugho.

The three man Shanghai Expat delegation, beside coming to prostrate itself before any Wuxi Expat it can find, is to attend seminars about tying shoes,  wearing underwear, opening bottles, printing, and using utensils when eating.  These seminars, organized by the Wuxi China Expatdom Ministry of Colonial Affairs, are being held for delegations from all the Wuxi China Expatdom colonies.

Brave Group of Wuxi Expat Hikers to Explore The Forbidden Zone in The Meicun District

A brave group of Wuxi Expats is planning to hike the Forbidden Zone in the Meicun District of Wuxi, China.

The Forbidden Zone, a 100,000 square kilometer area of jungle in the Meicun District, is uncivilized and mostly uninhabited.  The locals, who would call the area "The Forbidden Zone" if they could speak English, have stayed away from the area.   They have said, in Chinese, that the Zone is full of unmentionable horrors including man-eating monsters, zombies, areas of high-radiation, Greek sailors, public W.C.'s, Jack-in-the-Box restaurants, one-hour martinizing, feminists, the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club, and the films of Micheal Moore.

"I have seen the locals staple their lips to their foreheads, nail furniture into their pelvises, bury themselves in concrete, and apply for asylum to North Korea!" said the leader of the hikers Commodore Major Pyle.  Asked why the locals were doing those things, Pyle said because they didn't want to go into the Forbidden Zone.

"We are a motley crew of ne'er-do-wells, mountebanks, confidence men, pub owners, and of course, English teachers seeking to get out from under the shadow of the more successful Wuxi Expats whose exploits are chronicled in the WCE blog!" said Pyle   Asked why he said this, Pyle said he thought that was what the reporter from the WCE blog was going to ask.  What the reporter did want to know was how many hikers were the group.  Pyle then said that hundred would be participating unless they weren't taking part and that going back to what he wanted to talk about, Pyle said he wanted to add that the hikers wanted to try to prove to the world that they didn't have anything to prove.  

With the reporter sitting on one side of a table and Pyle sitting on the other, Pyle said he hoped that there were lots of sheep in the forbidden zone.  Asked why he said that, Pyle then said that he shouldn't have said that because he was inadvertently revealing the secret agenda of the hikers.  Pyle then told the reporter that he hoped that what he said wouldn't be published.

The hikers plan to enter the Forbidden Zone as soon as they can find the bus that will get them there.

The Obama Administration Is Very Embarrassed by the Wuxi China Expat Mission to Mars

Shenzhan Six, the Wuxi China Expatdom Mission to the planet Mars, has been a big embarrassment for the administration of President Barack Obama.

Friends of Obama have told the WCE Blog that Obama may not move to the Wuxi China Expatdom after the end of his presidency.   "The success of the  Shenzhan Six Mission  and thus the failure of Obama's administration is not something that he could talk his way out of -- even with the help of the Main Stream Media members who have acted like the Shenzhan Six Mission  and his nearly four years as U.S.  President had never happened.  Moving to the Wuxi China Expatdom, given the disaster that his one term as U.S. president has been, would absolutely destroy the high regard that Obama has had for himself through the thick and thin of his presidency!  Wuxi Expats don't tolerate failure and would shun him!" said Obama fan and Obama friend George Clooney.

The Obama Administration was forced to confront the topic  of the Shenzhan Mission publicly at a  press conference held at the White House.  A reporter, from Wuxi China Expatdom Fox News Network, asked  President Obama and Vice-President Biden for their thoughts about the success of the Wuxi China Expatdom Mission to Mars, and the pair put their heads into their hands and began to sob.  

Vice President Biden, who recovered his composure first,  told his assistants to call security and kick the reporter out of the White House media room.

President Obama, sobbing and wailing, ran out of the media room, and was heard to shout "Just make Romney President and end the living hell these last four years have been for me and my self-esteem!"

Later recovering his composure, the President returned to the press conference and shouted "It is George Bush's fault!  What you criticizing me for!  How dare you!"

Wuxi Expat Philosopher Wonders about The Moralty of Taking off One's Clothes

Wuxi Expat Philosopher Wudwig Littgenstein wonders about the morality of taking his clothes.

"Should I ever take off my clothes?  Or should I ever put them on?  Should I take my clothes off when I teach English? Should I take my clothes during the class, before the class, or after the class?  These questions are something that we can't pass over in silence.  They are matters of grave import that can be decided in this life, not outside of life and existence which may not exist anyway!  Should I take off my clothes before I read the Poolside Harry Moore?  Should I take off my clothes in the restroom or in the bar area of the Pink Kitty Pub?  The way I figure it, A property is internal if it is unthinkable that its object does not possess it.  (This blue colour and that stand in the internal relation of brighter and darker eo ipso. It is unthinkable that these two objects should not stand in this relation.)  (Here to the shifting use of the words "clothes" and "freesom" there corresponds the shifting use of the word "naked".)  If you look at the following chart, the truth-possibilities can be presented by schemata of the following kind ("T" means "true", "F" "false". The rows of T's and F's under the row of the elementary propositions mean their truth-possibilities in an easily intelligible symbolism).

p q r

T T T

F T T

T F T

T T F

F F T

F T F

"F F

F F F

p q

T T

F T

T F

F F

p

T

F

Therefore, I am pretty sure that it is okay to take one's clothes in the process of changeing into other clothes, but I still haven't finished my chart of truth-possibilities of the elementary propositions that can be made about nudity and naturism in public situations!" said Littgenstein in an exclusive interview with WCE Philosophy Quarterly.

Littgenstein who teaches  English part-time at HyLote English School in Wuxi, China spends his spare time helping with the design of Archduke Harry Moore's new townhouse in Wuxi's Kundmanngasse.  In particular, Littgenstein has focused on the windows, doors, and radiators, demanding that every detail be exactly as he has specified.  With the house  nearly finished, Littgenstein is demanding an entire ceiling be raised 30mm so that the room had the exact proportions he wants.  Archduke Moore writes that "This is not so marginal as it may at first appear, for it is precisely these details that lend what is otherwise a rather plain, even ugly house its distinctive beauty."  It has taken Littgenstein a year to design the door handles, and another to design the air conditioners. Each window is covered by a metal screen that weighs 150 kg,  and is moved by a pulley Littgenstein designed. Lernhard Beitner, author of The Architecture of Wudwig Littgenstein, said there is barely anything comparable in the history of interior design: "It is as ingenious as it is expensive. A metal curtain that can be lowered into the floor."

Littgenstein's fastidiousness has lead the philosopher to wander around the Wuxi China Expatdom muttering to himself.  With a mercurial smile, he has been heard to say:  "I am getting stupider and stupider each day.  Maybe I should move with Duston Short or join the Obama Phone Group!"

Wuxi Expats Reach The Summit of Olympus Mons

On the planet Mars, Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore and his consort, the Archduchess Mrs. Miss Moneypenny made mountain-alpine climbing history by becoming the first humans to ascend the 22 km (14 mi) high Olympus Mons.

On the Summit of the mountain located in Mars' western hemisphere,  the Archduke held aloft the flag of the Wuxi China Expatdom, and dedicated his feat to the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty; to the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira:  the Chosen One; and to Carl Sagan, his favorite astronomer.  "Growing up, I watched Sagan's Cosmos series and I was inspired to be great in billions and billions of endeavors...   You know, I think it is a crime that Sagan isn't in the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame.  If ever there was a man who exemplified the sheer exhilarating expatedness of Wuxi China Expats, it was Carl Sagan, who I am proud to say was a golf-partner of mine in the 1980s!"

The ascent of the tallest mountain in the Solar system was "a damn rum close thing" said the Archduke.  "Being a role model to millions of Wuxi Expats, I had to make sure my tousled locks of shimmering black raven hair weren't messed up too much for the publicity stills that Mrs. Moneypenny had been commissioned to take.  And we had all sorts of forces trying to prevent us from getting to the top.  I am not at liberty to talk about the events, however, because, my good friend, director David Lean has agreed to rise from the dead and direct a film based on the ascent to be titled Moore of Olympus Mons!"

Back on Earth, millions and millions of Wuxi Expats gathered around television sets, by their computers, near pubs, and  at the three Harry Moore Memorial Squares in Wuxi to watch coverage of the Archduke and Archduchess at the summit.  The Expats in Wuxi then engaged in the usual round of celebratory Wuxi Expat high-jinks afterwards, eating hot dogs, stripping naked, prisyadka dancing, and forming incredibly long conga lines.

In a video conference held with the world press, the Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke and Archduchess were rather tight-lipped when asked if there was life on Mars.  "Darling!  All will be revealed in a documentary variety show which will have an all-star cast including the six members of the Shenzhan Six Mars Mission and special guests!" said Mrs. Miss Moneypenny.

Wuxi Expat Says There's Great Scuba Diving on Mars

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy, told the WCE Blog that the scuba diving on Mars is great.  "It is simply spectacular here.  Imagine all you can see in the Caribbean and the great coral what-do-you-call-that thingie off the cost of Australia, and multiply it by ten to the power of three!  The water is so much more clear and azure blue.  The rock formations below the surface are beyond belief!"

Admiral Bridges, who is currently on the surface of Mars with the crew of Shenzhan 6 Mission where he has piloted its Command module, is rather tight-lipped about the question of life on Mars.  "All I am at liberty to say at this point is that we looking for life everywhere on Mars, right around the clock of the Martian day!   We  are currently recording a Variety Show slash Documentary in which we will announce our findings!" 

Wuxi Expat Claims that Denmark was the First Country to Put a Man on the Moon

Niels Bohr, a Wuxi Expat of prominence and an occasional bassoonist for the popular WCE Trio musical group, tells the WCE Blog that his home country Denmark put a man on the Moon in 1957, twelve years earlier than the Americans did.

"The first man to step on the Moon was Niels Armstrongsten.  He was so famous in Denmark for his feat that my parents named me after him when I was born!" said Bohr as he prepared to mount his shetland pony and ride around the neighborhood of his palatial estate in the Meicun District.

Asked why it was that no one had heard about the Danish landing on the Moon, Bohr blamed the obscurity of the event on the lack of media coverage at the time.  "The Moon landing was of course covered in the Danish newspapers and our one Danish radio station.  But there was no t.v. and no one outside of Denmark could understand what was going on because the Danish media, at the time, had no English reporters!"

Other Wuxi Expats, when asked about Bohr's claims, had a good chuckle.  "Good old Niels likes to exaggerate sometimes, but I will forgive him for that 'cause he got's the accent of the Swedish Cook on the Muppets!" said Hank Barnacle, the owner of Barnacle's Steak and Grill in Meicun.  "He has also got this strange idea that Hans Island is not Canadian!  Go figure!  But that's good old Niels for you!"

Wuxi Expat Pub Seeks a More Masculine Clientle

The Apple Blossom Pub, a pub for Expats on the Nanchang Jie Bar Street, says it would like to get a more masculine clientele.

Owner and Manager Chad Tanner-Watson, in an exclusive interview with the WCE Blog, said that his clientele haven't been as big and burly and handsome as he hoped they would be when he opened his pub three months ago.  "All we seem to attract are English Teachers who don't spend much money, or those who have lots of time to go to the gym.  Sure, the teachers who work out are fit and nice to look at, but they are just pretty boys.  And their "progressive" manner of speaking makes me squeamish. I want a clientele that does tactile things and works with its hands, doing God's work as it were.  Not these literary preening affect-less talking leftists who frequent my pub now!"

To attract more manly Alpha-male customers, Tanner-Watson told the WCE Blog that he was going to put individual stalls in the pub's shower facilities, and make sure each bar of soap was on a rope so the patrons couldn't drop them.  "I always wondered what soap on a rope was for!" said Tanner-Watson.  

Appealing to virile types with high levels of testosterone, Tanner-Watson said he would make his drink list more like the drinks offered at a Western Saloon.  "No more fruity drinks and weak American Beer in here!  Whiskey in straight shots from now on! said Tanner-Watson.  

The Apple Blossom Manager also said he would change his pub's decor and atmosphere.  "I will make the walls a darker color   Apple-green reminds everyone of yucky Tai Hu Algae.  I will also play harder music.  No more Sunshine and Lollipops!

Finally, Tanner Watson said that every night at his pub there would be a theme night catering to real men.  "Monday is Bull Balls Night.  Tuesday is Gun & Ammo Night.  Wednesday is Ronald Reagan Appreciation Night.  Thursday is Harry Callahan Beat up a Punk or a Bolshevik Night.  Friday is Muscle Car Night.  Saturday is Bar Girls Bouncing on Trampolines Night.  Sunday is NFL Football Appreciation Day.  Every one of these nights, patrons will have chances to win power tools, hammers, nails, tool belts, guns, fishing tackle and high horse-powered off road vehicles!"

The Apple Blossom Pub will be closed for renovation till October 31.  "Be sure to bring you welding masks and rifles to opening night!" said Tanner-Watson.

Apple Blossoms beat the Pistachio Cherries 1-0 in Opening Match of the 2012 Wuxi Expat Eight-Aside Football League Season

The Apple Blossoms beat the Pistachio Cherries 1-0 in an eight-aside football match held at the Wuxi Worker's Stadium in the Hui Shan District on Tuesday.

A crowd of 150,000 watched the mid-week match which opened the 2012-13 Wuxi Expat E-Aside Football League (WEEAFL) season.  

The crowd, clearly cheering for the Apple Blossoms, screamed loudly and lustily after Blossoms' Mid-Fielder Julius Crispy headed  a perfectly delivered corner, from striker Chad "Choo Choo" Smith-Johnson, that  was able to barely the elude the grasping and perfectly-manicured hands of a diving Pistachio Cherries Goalkeeper Kenny "Kisses" Dryden.  

"It was a super-duperly placed header by Crispy!" said Dryden.  "All my Pistachio Cherries teammates were just so jealous of Crispy who besides making a superb header was able to keep his hair in place when he scored the goal!"

After the match, the team shook hands, patted each other, and hugged in a spirit of fraternal sportsmanship.  An invitation from the Apple Blossoms to shower in the Blossom's well-appointed shower facilities was readily accepted by the Pistachio Cherries team.

There are twelve teams taking part in the WEEAFL for the 2012-13 season  Besides, the Apple Blossoms and the Pistachio Cherries, the following teams will compete for the coveted WEEAFL Championship:  The Queens, The Hairdressers, the Dainty Dancers, the Buttercups, the Lollipops, the Pink Peaches, the Yellow Lemons, the Strawberries,  and the Tulips.  The teams will play a 22 game league schedule during which there will be many other competitions like the Super Duper Cup competition and the Loreal Sassoon Football Knock-Out test.  Commentators the world predict the Lollipops with their star mid-fielder Francis "Foo-Foo" Beckensdale will take most of the competition trophies, all tied with pink ribbons, to their clubhouse tea-room and place them on doilies with flowery patterns.

Chinese, Taiwanese, Koreans, and Japanese Can Agree that Hans Island Belongs to Canada and not to Denmark

Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty was able to broker a treaty between North Korea, South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, and the People's Republic of China over an island.  

While his Majesty wasn't able to get the Asian countries to resolve any of their island territorial disputes, he was able to find some common ground among the countries about Hans Island -- the cause of a territorial dispute between Canada and Denmark.

In a communique, jointly signed by Japanese Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda, South Korean President Lee Myung-bak, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un,  People's Republic of China President Hu Jiantao, and Taiwanese Premier Sean Chen,  the leaders all agreed that by the laws of international relationships and mores of common human decency, Hans Island was and should always remain the sovereign territory of Canada.

King Gorzo was then able to get the  five Asian leaders and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper sign a treaty of mutual defense stating that in the event Denmark sought to regain sovereignty over Hans Island, the five Asian countries would come to the aid of Canada by providing full use of each of their nation's armed forces.  Kim Jong-un, for instance, pledged to use nuclear weapons to defend Canada's claim.  Hu Jiantao said he would gladly provide Chinese troops if Canada choose to further regain its legitimate sovereignty over Greenland and the city of Copenhagen.  "It is a tribute to the magnanimity of the Canadian character that they choose to let these pieces of territory be controlled by Danes!" said Japanese Prime Minister Noda.

Gorzo's brokering of the agreement has many observers saying that the Wuxi China Expatdom King is a sure bet to win the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize and thus become the first  to win the coveted prize two years in succession.

News of the signing of the treaty of Nanchang Jie Bar Street resulted in massive celebrations by Wuxi Expats, who ate celebratory breakfast Hot Dogs and  engaged in Prisyadka Conga Line Dancing Competitions.  Only one Wuxi Expat from Denmark was distressed.  An uncontrollably sobbing Dane, who repeatedly asked to see his mother, was finally consoled after having a warm bottle of milk and being put to bed.    

Wuxi China Expat Queen Wins the 2012 Nobel Prize for Economics

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: the Chosen One has won the 2012 Nobel Prize for Economics.

In making the announcement, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences said the following:

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences has decided to award the 1976 Prize in Economic Sciences in Memory of Alfred Nobel to

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, Professor Gorzo the Mighty University of the Humanites, Hui Shan District, Wuxi China Expatdom for

for her achievements in the fields of consumption analysis, monetary history and theory, and for her demonstration of the complexity of stabilization policy.

Queen Ayira's name is chiefly associated with the renaissance of the role of money in inflation and the consequent renewed understanding of the instrument of monetary policy. she has given us the terms "money matters" or even, "only money matters", with the emergence of monetarism as a Chicago school. This strong emphasis on the role of money should be seen in the light of how economists - usually advocates of a narrow interpretation of Keynesian theory - have, for a long time, almost entirely ignored the significance of money and monetary policy when analyzing business cycles and inflation. As far back as the beginning of the eighties, Ayira was a pioneer in the well-founded reaction to the earlier post-Keynesian one-sidedness. And she succeeded - mainly thanks to her independence and brilliance - in initiating a very lively and fruitful scientific debate which has been going on for more than a decade. In fact, the macro-econometric models of today differ greatly from those of a couple of decades ago as far as the monetary factors go - and this is very much thanks to Ayira. The widespread debate on Ayira's theories also led to a review of monetary policies pursued by central banks - in the first place, in the Wuxi China Expatdom and then in the United States. It is very rare for an economist to wield such influence, directly and indirectly, not only on the direction of scientific research but also on actual policies.

Ayira has carried out a number of studies, which, scientifically speaking, are both original and weighty, in support of her analysis of the role of money. her empirical studies of the relationship between increases in the supply of money and the consequent changes in incomes and prices are thus founded on a new formulation of the theory of demand for money or liquid resources. His findings on the comparatively great relevance of the quantity theory in explaining developments is, in fact, built on the premise that the demand for money is in fact very stable.

From the purely scientific point of view, Ayira's other achievements are of greater interest than her monetary analysis. Of primary importance here is her re-fashioning of the theory of consumption based on the hypothesis that "the permanent income" and not year-to-year income is the determining factor when assessing total consumption outlay. She makes the extremely valuable distinction between the temporary and more permanent incomes of households; Ayira has demonstrated that a much greater proportion of the former type of income is saved than the latter.

Another of the important contributions has been studies of "lags" appearing in all areas of economic policy. It was Ayira who coined the terms "observation-lag", "decision-lag" and "effect-lag" to express a fundamental problem somewhat neglected earlier - and that is, the right timing for stabilization measures during a business cycle. Ayira has demonstrated how both prolonged "effect-lags" and those of varying lengths - of changes in the supply of money, for example - can have a destabilizing effect. The conclusion she draws for economic policy from these findings has been the subject of lively debate, and, to put it briefly, is that monetary policy should be simplified and that its goal should be to ensure a long-range stable growth rate of the supply of money. This view has been accepted to some extent by a few leading central banks.

Ayira was the first to demonstrate that the accepted assumption of a simple trade-off between unemployment and the rate of inflation was only a temporary phenomenon; on the longer term (more than five years), no such trade-off exists. Unemployment below a structural level of balance thus leads, according to Ayira's theory, to a cumulative increase rate in prices and wages mainly on account of the destabilizing influence exerted by expectations. Modern ideas about the factors determining wage structures are very much based on Ayira's hypotheses on the importance of expectations of inflation.

At the beginning of the eighties, Ayira was a pioneer among those recommending the reorganization of the international monetary system based on free rates of exchange. She studied the theory of the problem but also used empirical studies to assess how such a system could be made to work. Ayira was among those who first realized - and could explain - why the Mordorian System with relatively fixed rates of exchange and sticky caramel fudge bullion was bound to break down sooner or later.

Her major work, A Monetary History of the Wuxi China Expatdom,1967 - 2006, is regarded as one of Ayira's most profound and also most distinguished achievements. Most outstanding is, perhaps, her original and energetically pursued study of the strategic role played by the policy of the Federal Reserve System in sparking off the 1949 -- 2010 Wuxi China Expatdom crisis, and in deepening and prolonging the depression that followed. The critics agree that this is a monumental scientific work which will long stimulate the re-examination of the course of events during this epoch.

Ayira's Nobel Prize win came two days after it was announced that her husband, Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty had won the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize.

Wuxi Expat Thinks He is The Butt of a Satirical Blog's Satire

Duston Short, English Teacher and Former Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom, suspects he is the object of satire in the Wussie Expat Blog.

Short claims that a character called Two Ton Shorty Legs Troll Boy in the Wussie Expat Blog has a remarkable resemblance to him.  "Like me, the Shorty Legs Guy talk English bad.  He like cheeseburger too like I.  Shorty Legs also does do dumb actions like put his toilet in his head and he poo his pants!" said Short in an exclusive interview with the WCE blog.

Short told the WCE Blog that he will find a lawyer and sue Wussie Andrew, the author of the Wussie Expat Blog.  "I really hate people making expensive fun at me!" said Short.

Wuxi China Expat King Gorzo the Mighty Wins the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize

In an announcement, that surprised the world because it was so deserved, the Norwegian Nobel Committee awarded the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize to the His Majesty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty.

In making the announcement, the Nobel Committee said the following:

The Norwegian Nobel Committee wishes to focus on what it sees as the Gorzo the Mighty's most important result: the successful struggle for peace and reconciliation, and for capitalism and human decency in the Wuxi China Expatdom. The stabilizing part played by King Gorzo, after the dark time of the reign of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi, has helped to transform the Wuxi China Expatdom from a Expatdom of war, pasty white legs, and caramel balls to an Expatdom of peace, free markets, and incredible Friedmanian Economic Growth. By adopting an Economic Policy based on the Economics of Milton Friedman, the 1976 Nobel Prize for Economics Winner, instead of Paul Krugman, the undeserving 2008 Nobel Prize for Economics Winner, the Wuxi China Expatdom ruled by King Gorzo, has achieved what Neville Chamberlain and Barack Obama, could only dream of -- peace in our time!

Observers think the Nobel Committee made the unprecedented decision of awarding the Peace Prize to someone who actually deserved it because of the shame brought on the committee by giving the prize to Barack Obama and then further brought on by a crazed notion of awarding it to the European Union.

For his part, His Majesty, King Gorzo the Mighty said he was proud to receive the award, but that real credit for winning the award had to be given to all Wuxi Expats, especially Archduke Sir Harry Moore. "I couldn't have done it without good old Harry, the King of Archdukiness! Through his efforts at reconciliation and the efforts of many Wuxi Expats, except of course, the reactionary blogger Wussie Andrew, the WCE is a place of blissful and masculine peace and quiet!" said His Majesty.

Wuxi China Expat Pub Owner Suspects that He is Being Depicted in a Satirical Wuxi Expat Blog

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut, the Walnut, and Pink Kitty Pubs suspects that he is the object of satire in the satirical Wuxi Expat Blog:  The Wussie Expatdom written by an Expat known to as Wussie Andrew.

Droop told the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog about the basis of his suspicions:  "In the Wussie China Expatdom blog there is a pub owner character named Walter Limp who owns  the Lemon Pub, the Apple Pub, the Cherry Pub, and the Black & White Panda Club.  This Limp character looks good in shorts, likes to wear panties and a bra, likes to roam naked in meadows, press wild flowers, wears a skipper's hat, has a bad temper, has a drinking problem, has a fondness for grabbing the genitals of his male patrons, and is very frank and crude in his manner of speaking!  If you ask me, this Limp character sounds a lot like me in an exaggerated manner!  And I now hear my patrons murmuring "Limp" under their breaths or referring to me as "Limp" whenever I listen to the audio surveillance tapes of their conversations made in my pub!"

Wussie Andrew, when confronted by reporters of the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog about Droop's charges, ran away and had his gang of bodyguards beat the reporters to a bloody pulp.  The thugs said they beat up the reporters "in order to get into their thick skulls that any resemblance between the Wussie Expatdom and the real Wuxi Expatdom was strictly unintentional and coincidental!"

Attendance Down at the Wuxi Expat Shakespeare Festival

Most Shakespeare Festivals in the world would have loved to have been able to say that they had ten million playgoers attend their festival, but for the 2012 Wuxi Expat Shakespeare Festival being able to say this was a massive disappointment.  For the ten million attendance figure for the Festival, held in the first week of October, represented a massive decline from the 450 million who attended the 2011 Wuxi Expat Shakespeare Festival.

Wuxi China Expatdom Shakespeare Appreciation Society President and Festival Organizer Lord Kenneth Branaugh blamed the decline in attendance on the fact that the five best Shakespearean Actors and the best Shakespearean actress in the Expatdom, and thus the World, were currently on the surface of Mars with the Zhanshen Six Mission.  Said Branaugh:  "In 2011, Archduke Sir Harry Moore gave the most muscular and virile performance and interpretation of Hamlet in human history.  And his performance of Brutus in Julius Caesar was such that many believed the rain that fell immediately after the performance was a result of Sir Lawrence Olivier and David Garrick shedding tears of admiration in actors heaven!  Chief Inspector Harry Callahan's performances in Henry V and Othello gave new meaning to words dark and introspective!  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Commander Air Marshall Gregory Peck's performance of King Lear caused many old-timers to recall the great early 19th century actor Johnston Forbes-Robertson!  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges's rendering of Falstaff was genius in that it put a new spin on the role that had hitherto assumed to have been milked for all it's worth!  Gambay's Co-Manager Fred Minkleman's performance of Macbeth caused even older old-timers to recall the great early 18th century actor Charles Macklin!  And Miss Moneypenny performances as Lady Macbeth and Desdamona put Helen Miren and Judi Dench to shame!  There was no way we were going to be able to repeat those great moments in Shakespearean acting history, as it turned out!"

Branaugh, who was said to have cried when he saw the Zhanshen 6 rocket, carrying the actors turned Expatonauts, head to Mars, told the WCE Blog:  "My plans for the  2012 WCE Shakespeare Festival were dashed when that Modified Saturn 6 Rocket left the bounds of this swirly Earth!  I had received 2 billion requests for tickets to see Harry Moore and Mrs. Miss Moneypenny who had been tentatively scheduled to do a performance of Romeo and Juliet with newly added scenes of love making.  We had started to build a 1.5 billion seat theater for the performance.  I then got nearly one billion nine hundred ninety nine million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand cancellations when it was announced that their understudies, Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie, were to perform instead.  And getting the likes of Al Pacino, Christian Slater, Meryl Strep, Julie Roberts, Whoopi Goldberg, Mick Jagger, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton, Bono, Rory Atkinson, George Clooney and Denzel Washington to perform did nothing to revive ticket sales!"

A sighing Branaugh ended the interview with the WCE Blog by saying:  "It was a real shame, for me, that these great actors are on the surface of Mars.  I believe they are the last of what will become an extinct breed: manly, masculine, muscular, virile, dynamic, paradigm-changing, adult-like Shakespearean Actors!  I pray that they will be able to come to the 2013 Wuxi China Expatdom Shakespeare Festival!"

50 Dead, 100 Wounded in Artillery Attack on Wuxi China's Venice Gardens

Sunday, an estimated 50 people were killed and 100 wounded in an artillery attack on Venice Gardens, a popular residential area for Wuxi Expats.  Venice Gardens, often thought of as a Wuxi Expat compound, was subjected to nearly twelve consecutive hours of bombardment.  All sorts of artillery shells, of various vintages, of many calibers and of many types, including high explosive and white phosphorous were used in the attack on civilian and military targets in the compound.

The source of the shelling was the nearby Wuxi China Expatdom Field Artillery Theme Park which had just had its grand opening on Saturday.

Director of the Park, the legendary gunner Major Harry Knox, said he was sorry for the attack.  "We do have lots of targets for our guns to fire, but our forward observers a.k.a. spotters, who subsequently, we  had to let go, had an animus towards people living in Venice Gardens that we didn't know about! said Knox.

Major Knox, while not shirking questions from media members about the attack on the innocent Wuxi Expats, did try to promote his Artillery Theme Park.  Said Knox:  "The Wuxi China Expatdom Field Artillery Theme Park is the best park of its kind in the world!  We have over a thousand kilometers of ranges full of all sorts of targets to fire on.  We have every artillery piece imaginable.  Whether, you want to fire artillery used by Napoleonic forces, the field guns used in the U.S. Civil War, 105 mm Howitzers used in Korea, self propelled 155 mm Howitzers as used by the Israeli Defense Forces,  or any other field artillery piece from any other time in history, you won't be disappointed!  And you won't be firing one gun at a time.  Our staff of volunteers and cheap laborers will be glad to help you engage in coordinated, multi-gun bombardments like the kind we subjected Venice Gardens to on Sunday!"

Klaus Barbie, head of the Venice Garden Residents Association, said he didn't anticipate any retaliatory attacks by the surviving residents of his apartment complex.  "Major Knox has been very generous, giving all the surviving VG residents WCEFATP memorabilia including hats, t-shirts, and models of famous field artillery pieces.  The residents of Venice Gardens are very forgiving people.  We understand that you can expect some initial weekend kinks in any new business opening!  So no worries from Us!" said Barbie who was able to survive the attack by hiding under his dining room table.

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Says He Didn't Know the Student Was Under-Age.

English Teacher Faruk Bagolli, an Albanian Canadian, told the WCE Blog that he didn't know that the female student he had slept with was under-age.

"I thought Middle School Girls were over the age of consent!" said the 55 year old Bagolli.  "If I had known, I would have waited till she was old enough to go to high school!"

Because of the affair, Bagolli has had to resign from his school.  "The parents raised such a fuss that the school had no choice" said Bagolli.  "I understand their decision!"

Bagolli then insisted that the girl involved wasn't completely innocent.  "She lead me on!  She was wearing a short skirt and had her hair done-up so that she looked older than her fourteen years!"

Bagolli has not decided if he will stay in Wuxi or look to teach in another school somewhere else in China.

WCE Restaurant Review: "La Titanica", by Andis Kaulins, The English Teacher

"Firstly I must say how pleased I feel, having been asked to contribute reviews of the
many fine restaurants and cafe's that we have here, in the Wuxi China Expatdom.
After a gruelling morning sweating-over subjunctives and tenses, a man builds-up
a hearty appetite, so it's just great to swing around to a sumptuous lunch right near where I work.

"The La Titanica" isn't actually a new restaurant though. Everyone will remember that it was previously a nice kebab eatery called "Pitta the Great". Under new ownership, this restaurant has been drastically-remodelled as "La Titanica".

"Location-wise, this place is a breeze for me. You just enter Baoli via the north-east
(First Class) gangway entrance, then only a few metres to the left where you'll see the elevator.
Inside, you go down to basement level 'E', turn right after the third
door (on your left), then take the right-hand side corridor, and there it is right in front of you.

"I'm met at the door by the genial, capable, warm, big, firm handclasp of
Bob "Budget" Spicer. Bob and I are old chums. "La Titanica" is a 100%-accurate
re-creation of the First Class Dining Saloon of that fine old ship, and
obviously it's luxury with a capital "l". The decor is meticulous, down to every last rivet.

"But this is a real, working, eatery. No Jim Cameron-ry here, so have no fear of corsets, or Leo, Rose, or any other clowns inside this beautiful, and, really, really, huge, room. Anyone seeking a chickflick-atmosphere here will be out of luck. Quite unthinkable, here in the heart of the Expatdom, of course.
Bob seats me by the starboard porthole, which is faithfully refilled with sea-water at all times.
I sink into my chair as Bob places the 'cuffs on me, and then he presents me with the menu. Such aplomb. Oh gosh....what to order though?

"Today I began with a chilled tonic-water (no ice), then let my eyes take-in this stunning
soaked-mahogany-soaked decor. Almost always a few business tycoons here in the clientele, and
we nod and smile at each other as proper-gentlemen. I settled for the bombe Alaska, but made a mental-note to try the rack of sausage, or deep-fried prawn, next time.


With the flaming-dish and tossed-salad before me, my eyes were burning, and, unfortunately,
I was fuming, because a noisy group of Nanjing Expats had lit-up their cigars at the adjoining table.
They were also drunk-out-of their-tiny-minds, but with just a swift click of my fingers, Bob
had them under control, kissing his ass, in no time. That explains a lot.

"It was all delicious. Bob waved away my proffered-tip with a dismissive flourish.

"La Titanica" does not disappoint".
Price: 
Washroom Cleanliness:  

Service: 
Ambience: 
Behaviour of non-WCE Expat Patrons:  

Shanghai Expats thank Wuxi Expats for the Gift of Fire

One Million Shanghai Expats paraded down Shanghai's Nanjing Road on Monday to thank the Wuxi China Expatdom for the gift of fire.  

The gift of fire is just one of the many gifts of civilized life that Shanghai Expats have received since becoming a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom in 2011.  Shanghai Expats have been introduced to many other aspects of civilization including houses with roofs, toilets, clothes, the wheel, shoes, tools and pointy sticks.  But none of these benefits of civilization has been as popular with Shanghai Expats as fire.

Ogg, who works in Shanghai as a financial consultant and took part in the parade, told the WCE Blog that fire has made his food taste so much better.  "Before!  Food no good!" said Ogg.  "Now it is good!"

Moggo, a German Engineer working in Shanghai who also took part in in the parade, told the WCE Blog that he likes how fire keeps him warm in January and February in Shanghai.  "Before!  Me cold!" said Moggo.  "Now me can be warm all year!"

Ugho, who teaches English in Shanghai, told the WCE Blog that he wanted to thank the WCE Sisters of Charity for their help in learning how to use fire.  "Mother Teresa show me how it is better to hold food over fire with a stick than using my hands!  Now I not burn my hands!" said Ugho.

Besides thanking the Wuxi China Expatdom for fire, the Shanghai Expats also tried to perform some Prisyadka Dancing and  to see if they could break the Wuxi China Expatdom record for world's longest ever conga party line.  Medical personnel had to be called in to treat the estimated one hundred thousand Shanghai Expats who injured themselves trying the dance.  The injuries and the inability of Shanghai Expats to understand the concept of standing in a line resulted in a cancellation of an attempt to form a Conga Line.