Wuxi Expat Engineer falls in love with a Spherical Roller Bearing

Wuxi Expat Engineer Quentin Tomkin, from San Francisco, USA, has fallen in love with a Spherical Roller Bearing and is now, with "Spherical," applying for a marriage license at the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding License Office.

Tomkin told the WCE Blog that after a long life of failed relationships that included four divorces and experimentation with bestiality, libertinism, perversion, bar girls, having concubines, socialism, third wayism, spouse-swapping, golf, bridge, pantheism, Aardvarksim, Ice Skating, cross country skiing, Australian Rule Football, Sufism, drugs, alcoholism, Anglicism, free-love societies and cricket,  he had finally found his true love: a spherical roller bearing that he encountered at his company's factory in the Wuxi New District.

"My darling Spherical features a stamped steel cage and strengthened symmetric roller.  Her design is a second generation, optimized to offer considerably higher load ratings than conventional designs for a broad range of applications and a long service life.  It was her unconventionality and broad range of industrial applications that made me fall in love with her at first sight!" said Tomkin, with obvious romantic love in his eyes.

Ask whose relationship he and his darling Spherical hoped to model themselves after, Tomkin told the WCE Blog that "of course" he hoped to have "a relationship as loving, true, and passionate at that of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore and his wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny."

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to permit Human -- Inanimate Object Matrimony.

Wuxi Expats protest singling out of Ontario Canada Expats in recent WCE Blog article

There was much hue and cry in the Wuxi China Expatdom over a recent WCE Blog article which said a Wuxi Expat, from Ontario, Canada, liked to roll in the many piles of dirt currently in Wuxi because of all its construction.

A recent article in the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog about an Ontario Expat liking to roll in piles of dirt on Wuxi construction sites resulted a crowd of over a million Wuxi Expat protesters looking to storm the WCE Blog's office. The crowd could not find the office and so many either went home, went to McDonald's to eat Breakfast Hot Dogs or practiced Prisyadka dancing.

Soren Kierkeergaard, a Wuxi Expat from Denmark and nominal leader of the protesters, said it was unfair and discriminatory and racist of the WCE Blog to single out Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada for liking strange and disgusting activities like rolling in piles of dirt and dunking heads in the toilets at pubs. "Let it be known that it is not only Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada who get lost, have their heads stuck in cupboards, do things with hot dogs, like to roll in mud and dirt, and stick their heads in public toilets. Let everyone know, by way of clarion and singing, that many of my fellow countrymen living in the Wuxi Expatdom also don't mind, in the least bit, in engaging in these sordid activities. As well, my friends who are Germans, Mexicans, Japanese, Australians, Kiwi, French, English, Brazilian and Italian love these activities. Heck, I would even venture to say that a few Americans, who are normally the most sensible of people, like to roll in piles of dirt and stick hot dogs up their wazoos as well!"

Andis Kaulins, who wrote the article for the WCE Blog, said while he appreciated the criticism and said it was justified, he was still going to single out the Expats from Ontario, Canada because he had a particular animus against them.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi Makes Andis Kaulins Blow His Fuse in The Wuxi China Expatdom; Blames James Cameron

One-time personal spiritual-advisor to John, George, Paul and Ringo, the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has failed to make an impression upon anyone in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Anticipating a multitude of candidate-converts, the Yogi hired the 6-million seat Dorothy Chandler Auditorium to dispense his immaculate wisdom, however not a single Expat attended.

Except Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion Duston Short, who, briefly, listened to the teachings, but then left, saying that he "understand guy didn't that all at."

Undiscouraged, the Maharishi spent three hours addressing the empty auditorium, on his early enlightenment as a student under
Swami Brahmananananda Saraswati; the existentialist-fundamentals of tranquility, peace, love, devotion, and surrender, and playing Led Zeppelin-speed renditions of It's Only Rock And Roll But I like It, and While My Sitar Gently Weeps.

The following day, the Maharishi, - feeling peckish, hovered his way down Zhongshan Road to grab a snack at KFC. There, by sheer chance, he encountered Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher,

"Are you", the 'rishi asked Andis, "attuned to the disciplines of brahmachari, as a student of spiritual knowledge,
and a life-long celibate ascetic?".

"And, my brother", the Mahesh continued, "do you celebrate the very genuine feeling of complete oneness with GuruDev; the inspired-Jyotirmath; Swami, Swarmi, How I Love Ya How I Love Ya; Don't Jump Into The Icy Sea, Rose!; Instant Kama Sutra; Jack, Jack, Don't Leave Me Jack!, and With The Axe, Rose! ?".

Andis Kaulins' verbal and physical responses are not recorded, but, at last report, the Maharishi was transcendentally medititating (TM) himself, at high speed, back to Shanargri La-la.

One million Shanghai China Expats gather to celebrate six months of Wuxi China Expatdom Colonial Status

Over a million Shanghai Expats attended a picnic at Xujiahui Park in the former French concession to celebrate the first six months of their Shanghai China Expatdom being a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"The day that his majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, issued the decree accepting the application of the Shanghai China Expatdom to become a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom was the greatest day in my life, save all the days since when the Shanghai China Expatdom has been an official colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom!" said picnic organizer Saul Rudkin, a Wuxi Expat who had the misfortune to find a job in Shanghai.

When asked if it was a comedown to be living in a colony, another Shanghai China Expat Francis Dye, an English teacher, said it was in fact a step up into being civilized. "You must understand that before we had Wuxi China Expatdom colonial status, the average Shanghai Expat was a brute lacking any of the refinements of civilization. Most of us couldn't read, write, use a toilet, wash clothes, eat with utensils, make love to a women without first clubbing her over a head with a club, not vote for the Democrat Party of the U.S., and balance a cheque book!" said Dye.

Besides being full of praise for Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty, Shanghai Expats, to a man and woman, were also full of praise for the Minister of Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies Archduke Harry Moore. "Archduke Moore is something of a polymath, in the manner of Benjamin Franklin, I understand." stated Shanghai Expat Lars Larry Larsen. "Besides being the best government administrator the Shanghai Expatdom has ever had, Moore writes a great novel, looks great in Speedos, delivers a stirring lecture in a film-studies class, dances a storm like Fred Astaire, has the grace of Fred Astaire, survives an assassination attempt with great aplomb, smiles like Ronald Reagan, has the virility of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris combined, is married to Miss Moneypenny and has tousled locks of sublime black hair. I hope that these rumors of bootlegged videos taken on his honeymoon with Miss Moneypenny are true. The archduke must be a gold medal winning lovemaking athlete. Videos of him lovemaking would be great instructional tools for all other men!"

Picnic attendees were honored by an appearance by one of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Triplets, Prince Hayek the Mighty, making his first appearance as a representative of the Wuxi China Expatdom Monarchy. Hayek was mobbed by Shanghai Expats seeking a lock of his golden hair.

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner bans his 3000th Patron of 2012

Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, banned his 3000th patron, in the year of 2012, from ever coming back to his pub.  In Gambay's history, it was the earliest in a year, that the 3000th patron had been banned.  The previous earliest date had been on May 20, 2010 when Minkleman had the 3000th Patron of 2010 from ever coming back to pub.  "Usually, we don't ban the 3000th patron of the year till June or August.  Last year, we banned patron number 3000 on August 8th!" said Minkleman in an interview with the WCE Blog.

Minkleman told the WCE Blog that he attributed this year's early 3000th banned customer to the fact that  business at Gambay's had been better than ever, due to the amazingly great monarchy of King Gorzo the Mighty,  and so it was only natural that more unruly, uncivilized and uneducated patrons would come into his pub.

The 3000th banned patron 0f 2012, Peter Southland from Ontario, Canada, was banned from Gambay's for dunking his head in a toilet and attempting to distribute White Supremacist pamphlets.  His photo was put into the Gambay's barred patron registry before he was kicked out with the golden boot, now traditionally used to kick out the 3000th banned patron of the year.

"Patrons can get banned for a variety of reasons.  But it usually comes down to how they treat the other patrons.  I am fortunate to have been born with a thick skin so I don't care what is said to me!  But my patrons are King and if you mistreat or disrespect them, you are out of my pub forever!" said Minkleman.  "We have banned a lot of Frenchmen for being assholes and speaking in a pretentious manner; we have banned Germans for forgetting that they lost the war;  English teachers for grammar mistakes and mangling the English language, and a lot of Canadians for over-zealously trying to get the attention of Expats from all other countries.  It is my dream to ban Andis Kaulins from coming to Gambay's but he is too cheap to ever take a step on our premises!"

Wuxi Expat from Ontario Canada likes to roll in piles of dirt

Because of all the construction going on in Wuxi, there are meter high piles of dirt all over the city.  While most see the piles as an eyesore, one Wuxi Expat Duston Short sees the piles of dirt as a way of expressing his creativity and practicing his free-thinking, and so he can be seen spending all his free time rolling and burying himself in them.

Duston Short told the WCE Blog that dirt pile rolling was not something he would have imagined doing even a year ago.  "I more of the type that likes to dunk his head in the toilet of a pub or bar, it being the national sport of Ontario, Canada, but Wally Droop the owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pub, being a fascist and all, banned me and my toilet-dunking Ontario Expat friends from the pub.  For a while, we tried to dunk our heads in the public toilets of Wuxi, but our heads kept getting stuck in the little holes of the squat toilets.  We were at a lost as to what to do until I went to Room 101 Pub and had the bar owner there throw me into a nearby pile of dirt and mortar of a nearby construction site.  Wallowing in the dirt, I found I was happy and content like a pig in a sty!  I had found myself a new hobby and that I could save lots of money by not having to pay for over-priced drinks and the privilege of dunking my head in the pub toilet!"

Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom midget Sumo Wrestling Champion, packs 200 pounds on his five foot six inch frame, took the WCE Blog interviewer to his favorite pile of dirt off Xincheng Road north of the Wuxi Train Station.  There, he drew crowds of amused locals for whom he put on a show by rubbing his body into the dirt and banging old bits of brick and mortar against his head.

"Dirt Pile Rolling," said Short, "is my way of saying HEY!  I AM CANADIAN!  I AM NOT AN AMERICAN!  TAKE NOTICE OF ME!  PLEASE!"

Wuxi Expat, from Ireland, loves to join in on local game of "Who's going to pay the bill?"

Sean Thornton, a Wuxi Expat from Ireland, has joined, in a hearty but violent manner, the local game of "Who's going to pay the bill?" In this game, Wuxi locals eating together at a restaurant can often be seen playfully wrestling over who will pay the bill.

Thornton's first attempt to join the game was meet with major resistance. "When I first came to Wuxi and saw this practice for the very first time, I asked the participants if they were having a private fight or if anyone could join in." said Thorton to the WCE blog. "Not detecting a answer in the negative. I joined in. I punched one of the guys, whose wife then rained a fury of haymakers upon me person! Being a gentlemen and all, I let the lady have her way till the other men joined in on the attack against my person. So my first brawl in China was seemingly me against all of China!"

It was only after Thornton found a Chinese female companion that Thornton's participation in "Who's going to pay the bill?" was accepted by the locals. "My darling Cherry Soda, who is as open-minded a Chinese female as you will find anywhere in the Expatdom, was after a series of my donnybrooks at restaurants, able to convince the locals that my pugilism over the bill was really being very respectful of their culture. The locals soon began to enjoy my joining in their local game. They seemed to learn to love a good scrap as much as I do. I soon became a local celebrity and now anytime I go to a restaurant, I will have five or six other tables asking me to join in traditional arguing about the bill. Now, you will see many Wuxi locals coming to restaurants with boxing gloves, truncheons, whips, chains and cat-o-nine-tails! Restaurants with boxing rings are becoming all the rage in Wuxi. And it is all because of me! So what you're seeing is a real melding of Irish and Wuxi culture in a way that everyone wins! And it is something for which I will always be proud!"

His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty has made Thornton, a teacher of English, an eternal member of the Royal Masonic Order of the Wuxi China Expatdom, and created an award in Thornton's honour, the Sean Thornton Double Diamond Platinum Medal of Honor which will be awarded to Wuxi Expats who enhance Wuxi local culture by melding their home country nation practices with those of Wuxi local culture.

All Natural Naked Dragon Boat Race to take place in the Wuxi China Expatdom

An All Natural Naked Dragon Boat Race will take place at Lake Taihu on June 16th.  The organizers of the race announced the date for the World's biggest boat race at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi.

With over a billion dollars in prize money, Wuxi Expatdomites are encouraged to form their Boat Racing teams soon.  "The only rule we will be sticklers about in this race," said the All Natural Naked Dragon Boat Race Chief Organizer Joe Hart, "is that all participants adopt a naturist mode of dress,  i.e the full monty or totally nagoy!"

Wuxi Expat says every day is Friday the 13th for him

Wuxi Expat Tim Cutler, when told that Friday's date was the 13th, said that everyday was like Friday the 13th for him.

"Everyone seems out to get me!  I just can't seem to get a break!" lamented Cutler, an English teacher from England who was also almost certain that all the English schools in Wuxi had cheated him.

Kirk Douglas To Conduct Gladiator Movie-Actor Training Workshops In The Wuxi China Expatdom

The President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society (WCEFAS), Harry Moore, has invited the famous Spartacus-actor Kirk Douglas to the WCE to present training lessons.

"I'm delighted", said Harry Moore, "that Kirk, the undisputed doyen
of combative rituals will be here next month, MCMLXVIII, to give
training seminars for budding-thespians in the Expatdom.

"The sessions will be held at the WCE's Lake Taihu Sword-And-Sandals Studio Sound Stage (WCELTSASSSS). Mr Douglas informs me that there is a real-life parallel to the Spartacus movie-slave revolts, and what happened here in the Expatdom".

"He's correct", explained Harry Moore, "Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, is the true-life charismatic leader here with a vision who, Spartacus-like, forced a long-awaited revolt against the much-despised former King of Wuxi, aka The Ayatollah of Mordor".

Harry Moore said that he'd spent countless years studying the individual frames, camera angles, and transitions of Kirk Douglas' gladiator movies, and the contours of Kirk's protruding chin, which
was modelled on the cigar-store Indian chin.

"Kirk's years of Shakespearean training come across in every one of his scenes, and in his lines. Kirk is of the naturist-acting school, and he
rejects the method style".

The three-day training sessions will cover every aspect of gladiator movie-acting, including:

- Kirk's ability to make rousing speeches to tens of thousands of
oppressed slaves without the use of a microphone;
- how to manfully-suffer excrutiating pain in the arena with a lack of any visible injuries;
- refining one's rugged masculinity, and rampant heterosexuality;
- developing 3cm-deep chin dimples;
- lip-stretching exercises to expose a kilometre of teeth in the
orthodox defiant-grimace expression;
- rendering overlong dialogue that audiences will struggle to stay awake through; and, of course, the technique of sword-slashing one's opponent with such phenomenal speed that the strokes become an indistinct blur.

"And", Harry Moore went on, "Mr Douglas will train Expat actor-students how to rehearse the staccato spit-ting-out of ev-er-y syll-a-ble of the text. Also, as we all know, gladiator movie-actors must never, ever, rely on minimal responses.

"An ordinary silent head-shake, for instance, must be replaced with a passionately-spoken:

"No! mark thee, we, the violent slave-masses and stunt-men will never have our rights gnawed-away like rats do with chicken-scraps behind the KFC in Zhongshan at night-time; though born in the slave-pits, we are men, - real BC everymen with dreams, hopes, dignity, passions, and worn-out underpants, and, I wager thee, we will array our overly-dramatic pouting and posturising to forever cast-off the shackles of tyranny that have enslaved us for nigh-on five centuries past!!".

"Or words to that effect", said Harry Moore.

No Sightings Of Hui Shan Abdominable Snowman Prompt Media Coverage

All Natural Naked Roller Derby is coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom!

In what was probably the most exciting thing to happen to the Wuxi China Expatdom since the deposing of the Ayatollah of Mordor; the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor; Mango Mania; the coronation of King Gorzo the Mighty; the marriage of Gorzo the Mighty and Princess Ayria: The Chosen One; the Wuxi Red Guards winning the Super Duper Bowl two years in a row; the election of the first Monkey Parliament; the capture of the Kraken in Lake Taihu; the launching of the Wuxi China Expatdom's tenth aircraft carrier; the victory of Harry Callahan and the Wuxi Expatdom Trio at the World Expatdom Vision Contest in Brandon, Canada; the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy sailing to Shilo, Manitoba; the search for the Swedish Bikini Team in the tunnels of the Wuxi train station; the marriage of Prime Minister Mango and Wonder Woman; the coup d'etat that installed a military junta as the Wuxi China Expatdom opposition party; the two inductions of Harry Moore into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame; the inductions of TE Lawrence, Rush Limbaugh, Tony Kaulins, Andis Kaulins in the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame; The WCEDVDAS Civil War, the search for the missing Swedish Bikini Team, Archduke Harry Moore's marriage to his secretary Miss Moneypenny; Queen Ayria's three boxing victories over Hilary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama; the opening of a wildlife safari park in the 1912 Bar District; and the return of Doc Delaney to his chiropractor practice; Wuxi China Expatdom entrepreneur Marvin Monroe announced that the Wuxi China Expatdom has been awarded a franchise in the All Natural Naked World Roller Derby Association (ANNWRDA) which will begin play in 2013.  Over the next few months, a contest will be held to determine the team's name.

 

Said Monroe at a press conference held in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub where he announced the awarding of the franchise:

 

"I am proud to tell you that smash mouth, smash head, all-natural naked Roller Derby excitement is coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom!  By being awarded a franchise in the All Natural Naked World Roller Derby Association, the Expatdom and Wuxi China will be part of the world's first truly global and successful professional sports league.  Along with the Expatdom, the All Natural Naked World Roller Derby Association will have teams in London, Paris, Des Moines, Philadelphia, Baghdad, Tehran, Seoul, Pyong Yang, Tokyo, Moscow, Cairo, Sydney, Manila, Winnipeg, Berlin, Warsaw, Oslo, Oklahoma City, Copenhagen, New York, Seattle, Regina, Moose Jaw, Manchester, Cork, Cardiff, Dublin, Edinburgh, Mexico City, Guatemala, Santiago, Havana, Brasilia, Lima, Shanghai, Chong Ching, Hefei, Saigon, New Delhi, Montreal, Rome, Athens, Madrid, Vienna, and Taipei!

 

Already, great athletes and great individuals, from other fields of achievement, have agreed to join the ANNWRDA.  The Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, half the English Premiership, the entire Australian Rules Football League, the participants in the Rugby World Cup, the Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins, the Vancouver Canucks, the entire Canadian Football League, the top two division of Italian Soccer, the Premier Liga, 15 Nobel Prize Winners, Lady Gaga, U2, JK Rowling, Brad Pitt, the entire senate of New York State, Joe Biden, the Black Caucus of the United States Congress, half the work staff at the Jet Propulsion Labratory, NASA, author Harry Moore, Stripper Zach Landon, half the Communist Party of China, three quarters of the Berlin Philharmonic, the top one hundred Ping Pong players in China, Steven Spielburg, Richard Dawkins, Paul Krugman, Stephen Hawking, Leftist English teacher Tom Butler, New Gingrich, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Terry Pickett, and Mick Jagger have agreed to join the league and give up their normal professions.  There is a rumour, which I won't say is not true, that President Barack Obama is thinking of not running for a second-term as U.S. President and instead joining our league.  Already Michelle Obama has pledged to skate for our Washington D.C. franchise!

 

We hope to pack four million seat Wuxi China Expatdom Roller Derby Palace for every match!"

 

 

Wuxi China Expatdomites, who are not ones to be bereft of excitement, expressed the most passionate of enthusiasm when hearing the news that All Natural Naked Roller Derby was coming to the Expatdom.  Andis Kaulins, who told stories of watching Team Canada and Skinny Mini Miller in the 1970s, said he might reach into his deep pockets and buy season tickets.  "I can have my son Tony sit on my lap so I only need to buy two tickets for me and my wife."  Archduke Harry Moore told the WCE Blog that he and his wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny had bought season tickets.  The Archduke laughed with awesome virility and tossed back his golden locks of dark tousled hair when asked if he was going to skate for the Wuxi China Expatdom ANNWRDA franchise.  "Australians don't know how to skate!" said the Archduke.

Asked what had happened to the Wuxi Rollers of the World Roller Derby Association which he had started, owner Marvin Monroe told the WCE Blog that while the Rollers did attract crowds of 200,000 to their matches, the crowds seem small in the four million seat Wuxi China Expatdom Roller Derby Palace.  Said Moore:  "The biggest complaint our sales staff received was about the Rollers wearing clothing!" said Monroe.  Now that Roller Derby in the WCE is All Natural and Naked, we have already sold three million season tickets!" said Monroe.

Despite long siege, sales of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War memorabilia still brisk.

Sales of official merchandise of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012, which is currently in its second phase and in the midst of a Stalingrad type siege, are still very brisk says Commander Karl Malden of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force (WCEIEF), the exclusive supplier of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012 merchandise.

"You would think that in this day and age, people would not keep up their enthusiasm for a war which is the midst of a long siege right now, but sales, of Phase Two Civil War merchandise, are still brisk and even increasing!  The longer the siege has been going on, the more the daily sales revenue of related memorabilia have been.  What has been especially popular are calendars with markers that allow people to count the number of days since the siege has begun!" said Malden.

In the Civil War itself, the siege, which has been made to resemble Stalingrad 1943 and has been taking place at Three Kingdoms Park since March 16, shows no signs of abating.  The WCEDVDAS forces, which in phase one had been fighting each other, are now in alliance and have completely encircled the forces of the WCEWCEDVDCWARS for nearly four weeks. Rumors persist that pressure is being put on the WCEWCEDVDCWARS by the WCEIEF to try a break-out maneuver. WCEIEF Commander Karl Malden had promised to split revenue fifty-fifty of Breakout 2012 T-Shirt sales with the WCEWCEDVDCWARS.  However, the WCEWCEDVDCWARS is still looking for allies to parachute-drop necessary supplies into their stronghold for a breakout.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society, who were enemies in Phase One of the WCE Civil War 2012, became allies when the Wuxi China Expatdom WCE Civil War Appreciation and Reenactment Society (WCEWCEDVDCWARS) was taking vital supplies from the two WCEDVDAS armies to stage reenactments of WCEDVDAS battles. The WCEDVDAS alliance marked the beginning of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012 Phase Two.

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner denies that he is exploiting his alcoholic customers

Wally Droop, a Wuxi Expat and the owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pubs, denies allegations that he is exploiting his alcoholic customers and says that if anyone says these allegations to his face again, he will show them what's up with his fists.

"In fact, my customers are like family to me!" says Droop, who has been married four times and cannot return to his home country because he will be put in jail for polygamy.  "If I do exploit them, and that is a very, very marginal "if," it would only be in a sexual sense.  But then these lonely pathetic alcoholics want it anyway so how I could be exploiting them?"  Droop is famous and infamous for always fondling his male customers.

Droop tells the WCE Blog, as well, that  the dungeons and the handcuffs that are known to be on the premises of his pubs are only there for adult kinky fun, and that they are not used to lock up alcoholic customers who had yet to pay.  "I did do that before." admits Droop.  "That is , I did experiment with locking up the alcoholics and making them do menial tasks to pay off their bar tabs, but some of them needed to be fed and a lot of them thought of dungeons as free room and board.  So I don't imprison alcoholics anymore.  What I do do is I rent out the handcuffs and dungeons to the Wuxi China Expatdom Feminist Sexpat Alliance for political meetings!"

Droop says he deals with alcoholics now by setting the prices of his drinks super high to discourage them from drinking.  "If that doesn't stop them, I don't put so much salt in the food we serve! And if worse comes to worst, I throw them in the canal out back!"

Droop blamed Andis Kaulins, the English teacher, for circulating the allegations of alcoholic exploitation.  "I don't know why that guy has it in for me!" lamented Droop.

Family-Of-Four Influx Profile #3: The Youatt-Mulgrews, From New Zealand

Joining the millions of new-arrivals that now call the Wuxi China Expatdom home are the Kiwi family the Youatt-Mulgrews.
Bob S. Grant, the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Families Council (WCEFC), once-more extended a hearty welcome to Phil Youatt-Mulgrew, and his three charming daughters.

Phil Youatt-Mulgrew's decision to up-root his family from New Zealand was spontaneous. Afflicted by an acute case of piles, Phil's doctor casually mentioned the new opportunites for families in the WCE.
"I told the doc to hurry-up and apply the cream", said Phil, "so we could pack our things and get going". Arriving in the Expatdom aboard the S.S. Carpathia, the family was immediately dumb-struck by their first glimpse of their new homeland.

"We couldn't believe our peepers. Wuxi's glittering high-rises
crowded between the blue Lake Taihu and the emerald of the Hui Shan ranges, cooled by soft trade-winds, gilded by golden sunsets and the stunning arches of rainbows: the booming prosperity, the proud history, and, above all, peopled by the friendliest Expats in the world", Phil clucks excitedly.

Better-known by his nickname, The Fonz, from the family's favourite television show, Phil hasn't worked a day in his 85 years.
"I spent most of my time beach-fossicking back in our old hometown, Waikikamukau".

"But I've been divorced five times so I do have plenty of hide-the-ferret experience under my furry loin-flap. I've got three lovely daughters, and probably lots more kids that I don't know about back in New Zealand", says Fonzie with disarming candour. "My daughters, Joanie, Potsie, and Ralph Malph, are wonderful, and you can see that that they positively glow here in the Wuxi China Expatdom".

Phil-Fonz and his daughters have purchased a luxury apartment in the same building where the Expatdom's foremost English Teacher, Andis Kaulins, resides. "Yes", smiles Fonz, "Andis Kaulins' apartment is right next to our pad. Andis is a fine young man, and the most right-neighbourly person in the world. He has given us a helping-hand getting our new drapes and rugs in place. He also helps us navigate our way around the Expatdom - naturally he knows where all the great WCE beauty-spots are, as well as the excellent shops."

"Andis told us to stop-by at his school anytime...(umm, well at-least I think that's what he said). So we love it up here in the verandah-cafe. After a long day bargain-hunting in the Nanchang Temple malls, we can rest our weary paws here", The Fonz says.

Phil-Fonzie Youatt-Mulgrew believes that he can make himself useful in the Wuxi China Expatdom.
Already a well-known pater familias-figure in the Expat Bars and Zhongshan, Phil-Fonz says that he can contribute his sage-like wisdom and personal-magnetism as a friend and counsellor to the Expats.
"Any Expat can come and seek my advice", he said, "people here who might have sex-problems can talk to me anytime.

"My email is: spankmysaggingbuttdailybutthatsthewayilikeituhuhuhandlostmeblessedglassesagainsomytwothumbsupwithagreatbigheeyyyy@tombosleymail.com

Wuxi Expats enroll in dog and ape obedience classes

A group of Wuxi Expats from Ontario Canada have enrolled in local animal obedience classes.  One such Ontario Canada Wuxi Expat, Duston Short has enrolled in both dog obedience and gorilla obedience classes run by the Wuxi China Expatdom Animal Obedience Society (WCEAOS).

Asked why he and many other Ontario Canada Wuxi Expats were enrolling in animal obedience classes, Short told the WCE blog that he and many other Ontario Canada Wuxi Expats were always peeing on the floor and making messes at two Wuxi Expat Pubs:  Dangle's Participle and the Chestnut.  "Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut, told us to not come back till we had taken some obedience classes" said Short, the reigning midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "I think that when he said what he did that he was serious and not being sarcoustic as some people, who have told us not to enroll in obedience classes, have said!  Sammy Dangle of the Dangle's Participle also had some hard, but I think loving, words for us too!  So we will try to please them both!"

Short then told the WCE Blog that he was enrolling in two obedience programs, one for dogs and another for gorillas, because he wasn't sure yet which program was for him and would suit his busy "don't wash and wear lifestyle."  "I also have tardiness and cleanliness issues as well, so I will see which program will help me better!" said Short.

The great Wuxi China Expatdom historian Edward Gibbon told the WCE Blog that Short and his gang of Ontario Canada Wuxi Expats are not the first human Expats in WCE history to enroll in animal obedience classes.  "There have been a few Wuxi Sexpats who have enrolled in thoroughbred horse obedience classes as late as last year.  As well, the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, had to enroll in an obedience course as a requirement for getting distemper shots!"

Marlin Perkins, spokesman for the WCEAOS, told the WCE Blog that if they can tame the Ontario Expats, the WCEOAS would then run animal obedience classes for Shanghai China and Suzhou China Expats.  "Shanghai and Suzhou Expats are notorious for having accidents and making messes in living rooms and shopping centers!" said Perkins.

Wuxi Expat Family appreciates the challenge of mountain-climbing in the Wuxi China Expatdom

The Grant Family: Father Bob S., Mother Clare, Son Bob Jr. and Daughter Clare Jr. from Claremont, California paid the first of, what they told the WCE Blog, will be many visits to Balansky's Mountain Park, run by Saskatchewan Expat Hank Balansky, in the Wuxi New District.

Bob S. Grant, a former proctologist turned English teacher, told the WCE Blog that his visit to Balansky's Mountain Park was spiritually uplifting and that he could hardly wait to come again.  "Now that I have conquered the authentic true-to-scale version of Mount K2, I can hardly wait to climb the authentic replicas of Kanchenjunga, Nanga Parbat, Pomiu, Lhotse, and Everest.

His wife Clare, a former Tax Attorney now teaching at Little Nippers Kindergarten in the Meicun District, told the WCE Blog that the staff at Balansky's Mountain Park treated her "mighty nice" and that she made many new friends. "The abominable snowmen who live on Mount Harry Moore were so helpful. They accompanied me everywhere and tried their best to ask any questions I had!"

The Grant children told the WCE Blog that they were "freaked out" by the height of the 88,888m high Mount Gorzo and the 78,789m high Mount Harry Moore.  "It is amazing what they can do in the Wuxi China Expatdom!" proclaimed the children.

World Leaders praise and offer comments on raid on Wuxi Expat Pub

World Leaders have praised the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force raid on the Walnut Pub DJ Booth, located in a bunker 3,000 meters below the earth's surface, that destroyed a huge stockpile of Hip Hop Music.

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI praised the raid saying it was a victory for "human decency and taste."

Vice President Joe Biden of the United States said "the raid was very smart and that his administration was thinking that a similar kind of raid done by the U.S. in the next few months could propel Obama to a re-election!"

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said it was very clever of Officer McNulty to disguise his million man raiding force as Zulu Warriors.  "The Australian Pub owner Wally Droop was fooled by his greed into thinking he was going to set his pub's single night receipt record." said Harper.

 

German Chancellor Andrea Merkel said that Wally Droop, the Walnut Pub owner, should have listened to her when she told him that bunkers are not a good idea because the force commanded by Officer McNulty was extremely efficient.

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard said that Officer McNulty was all man and that it wouldn't surprise her "if he had some Australian blood in him because he was certainly more manly than Canadians Duston Short and Andis Kaulins who didn't participate in the raid!"

For his part, Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and Andis Kaulins Esquire who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, said the raid was probably the greatest thing to happen in human history since Harry Moore last survived an assassination attempt.

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies Harry Moore, full of graciousness and smiling optimism, while stroking his virile locks of tousled dark hair out of his piercing blue eyes, said that he and his darling Mrs. Miss Moneypenny were really impressed by the raid.  "We received news of the raid's success while we were in our hot tub together.  I squeezed my rubber ducky three times before giving my dear wife a hearty kiss to celebrate.  Nothing pleases me more than to see others do wonderful things with massive crowds.  It puts the pressure off me!"

One million Zulu Warriors seen Prisyadka Dancing outside a Wuxi Expat Pub

There was an incredible scene last night at the Walnut Pub, located near the Nanchang Jie Bar Street in Wuxi, China.  An estimated one million Zulu Warriors were seen dancing arm-in-arm, in a most jubilant manner, the Prisyadka Dance.

The questions of why the Zulu Warriors were at the Walnut and why they were dancing so jubilantly the Prisyadka dance, will hopefully be answered at a press conference to be held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  Officer McNulty from the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad and Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead are planning to make a special announcement about an operation involving Zulu Warriors at the Walnut.

Family-Of-Four Influx Profile #2: The Rosenbaumblatts, From Manhattan

Former NY stockbroker Joel Rosenbaumblatt, his wife Mary-Beth Rosenbaumblatt-Bloom, and their blonde-bombshell daughter, Cracklin' Rosie, have joined the human-tsunami of immigrant arrivals into the warmly-welcoming bosom of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

At Lake Taihu Keys, Andis Kaulins, President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association (WCEEEA), interviewed the Rosenbaumblatts aboard their luxury Italian-built super-yacht, the 88.08m "Ciao Bella Casa Bertie Wooster La Aqua Grande".

"Yessir", said the garrulous Joel,"coming here to the WCE was the best move we ever made. "I'd become a successful bear-marketeer back in Wall Street. But I didn't have it easy, and I had claw my way to the top.

"As a kid, growing-up with my folks, our lives were standard and poor. We were living there in Allentown, and then they closed all the factories down, iron and coke, chromium steel. So oh my Papa and my yiddisher Momma packed us all up and we moved to Hell's Kitchen, where things were a lot better.

"And my wife -ain't she a sweetie, was right behind me all the way, and I'd have never made it without her.
"Mary-Beth Bloom and I met in high school. It was got-the-hots at first sight for us, and soon we were the popular steadies. And the king and the queen of the prom, riding around with the car top down and the radio on. Nobody looked any finer, or was more of a hit at the Parkway Diner.

"So yeah, together we've had wedded bliss, and everything money can buy, but my health had begun to deteriorate. My stockbrokering talents suffered too; couldn't even make a dead cat bounce anymore.

"Every time I tried to walk into the concrete canyons", Joel explained, "I was accosted by those pesky Barrackuda guerillas and cadres. They called me rude names, and tried to shove leaflets up my nostrils. That caused me lots of stress-symptoms, including involuntary arm-jerking; pelvic gyrations; altered vision; eye and face twitching; terminal constipation; pain, tingling and numbness in my extremeties, as well as mental confusion, hallucinations, palpitations, and empty-headedness. So, we quit the boiler room, sold-up, and moved here a month ago.

"King Gorzo The Mighty gave us the right-royal welcome mat. On our arrival He personally checked-us in to your opulent Chomp-and-skees Hilton. Picked-up the tab too. In our suite, they'd provided complimentary copies of the Poolside Harry Moore, and The Lonely Planet Guide to The Three Andis Kaulins'. We devoured them.

"Now we're living aboard this yacht, - every new-arrival family gets one, here on magnificent Lake Taihu. Already I'm back to glowing health. "But oh, Andis, - my apologies!, here my friend, let me refill your glass of Moet et Tsingtao, - there ya go, down the hatch!
"And", Joel went on, "unlike in the Big Apple, we don't have to carry wads of cash around with us here in the Expatdom, - the generosity here is overwhelming.

"Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, delivers cartons of Lucky Strikes to us three times a day, and he refuses to take a dime. Says that it's the least he can do, bless him. And Harry Moore personally rickshaws us to the synagogue, he's a great puller. Real swell guys.

"We're actually a family of four. Mary-Beth is expecting".
"Yep, though I'm not young and virile these days, well, Mary-Beth and I
still manage the occasional hootsie-tootsie, - knee-tremblers mostly.", grinned Joel, blushing. "But Andis, you and I are both men-of-the-world, so I betcha know what I'm talking about. hehehehe!

"Cracklin' Rosie, our daughter, is still single. She adores it here in the Expatdom. Legions of eligible young Expat guys, and she loves the nightly conga-jitterbugging at Gambays. She bumped-into Al Pacino there two night's ago, and he kissed her. And hey, you married, Andis?", queried Joel.
(for the 148th time during their conversation, Andis Kaulins was given no opportunity to reply).

"Andis", asked Joel, "you know your way around the Expatdom better than anyone else - maybe you could show us newbies all the popular Expat places sometime? And I've heard that you enjoy European cuisine.
Tell you what, I'll leave it to your choice - order us a bottle of white, a bottle of red, or perhaps a bottle of rosé instead.
We'll meet you any time you want, in your Italian restaurant.


"Wrapping it all up, Andis, the Wuxi China Expatdom is the best therapy in the world!. Bottoms up!"