The President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society (WCEFAS), Harry Moore, has invited the famous Spartacus-actor Kirk Douglas to the WCE to present training lessons.
"I'm delighted", said Harry Moore, "that Kirk, the undisputed doyen
of combative rituals will be here next month, MCMLXVIII, to give
training seminars for budding-thespians in the Expatdom.
"The sessions will be held at the WCE's Lake Taihu Sword-And-Sandals Studio Sound Stage (WCELTSASSSS). Mr Douglas informs me that there is a real-life parallel to the Spartacus movie-slave revolts, and what happened here in the Expatdom".
"He's correct", explained Harry Moore, "Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, is the true-life charismatic leader here with a vision who, Spartacus-like, forced a long-awaited revolt against the much-despised former King of Wuxi, aka The Ayatollah of Mordor".
Harry Moore said that he'd spent countless years studying the individual frames, camera angles, and transitions of Kirk Douglas' gladiator movies, and the contours of Kirk's protruding chin, which
was modelled on the cigar-store Indian chin.
"Kirk's years of Shakespearean training come across in every one of his scenes, and in his lines. Kirk is of the naturist-acting school, and he
rejects the method style".
The three-day training sessions will cover every aspect of gladiator movie-acting, including:
- Kirk's ability to make rousing speeches to tens of thousands of
oppressed slaves without the use of a microphone;
- how to manfully-suffer excrutiating pain in the arena with a lack of any visible injuries;
- refining one's rugged masculinity, and rampant heterosexuality;
- developing 3cm-deep chin dimples;
- lip-stretching exercises to expose a kilometre of teeth in the
orthodox defiant-grimace expression;
- rendering overlong dialogue that audiences will struggle to stay awake through; and, of course, the technique of sword-slashing one's opponent with such phenomenal speed that the strokes become an indistinct blur.
"And", Harry Moore went on, "Mr Douglas will train Expat actor-students how to rehearse the staccato spit-ting-out of ev-er-y syll-a-ble of the text. Also, as we all know, gladiator movie-actors must never, ever, rely on minimal responses.
"An ordinary silent head-shake, for instance, must be replaced with a passionately-spoken:
"No! mark thee, we, the violent slave-masses and stunt-men will never have our rights gnawed-away like rats do with chicken-scraps behind the KFC in Zhongshan at night-time; though born in the slave-pits, we are men, - real BC everymen with dreams, hopes, dignity, passions, and worn-out underpants, and, I wager thee, we will array our overly-dramatic pouting and posturising to forever cast-off the shackles of tyranny that have enslaved us for nigh-on five centuries past!!".
"Or words to that effect", said Harry Moore.
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