Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent approaches Ayatollah of Mordor's Lair.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Steamboat Joseph Conrad that is pursuing the Ayatollah of Mordor, reports that he and his crew have arrived in the Mordorian area of the Winnipeg, Canada

 

In an interview with Orient Express Eye Witness News, Admiral  Bridges said the following:

 

"We have the Joseph Conrad docked, and have entered Mordor.

 

This Mordorian area is a strange land.  It is located in the midst of an urban environment, and yet it seems to be the most isolated place on Earth.  Everywhere, one can see houses made of Smarties boxes, lard statues of Leonard Nimoy, piles of laundry randomly strewn about, and abandoned paperback science fiction novels that are dog-eared and laying cover-upwards beside toilets.  There are also crudely-made signs posted everywhere saying "Big Bro has his eyes on your Chocolate and Crisco." We have so far meet but one person --  Pee Wee Hersailor.

 

This Hersailor is a effeminate combination of lawyer and young adult, with thick saggy jowls and pasty calves. 

 

He had told us that if we played some paper-and-pen games with him, he would take us to the Ayatollah's lair.  These games, he added, would involve having a good knowledge of prime numbers, combinations, permutations, palindromes, chess, and curling -- that was why we brought Ayira: The Chosen One to accompany us.  With four Ph.D.'s, Ayira knows all.

 

While Ayira was playing these games, Gorzo was able to question Hersailor.  We learned that Hersailor was the Ayatollah's number one disciple.  Hersailor and the Ayatollah first meet when they were chosen to do the lead dance together in a Royal Winnipeg Ballet production of Pork Chops and Apple Sauce.  Hersailor boasted that their performance was so successful that the RWB had them dance in a sequel, Snouts and Entrails.  During their time together at RWB, when they weren't performing or rehearsing or learning lines, the Ayatollah and Hersailor talked about food, philosophy, doggie tails, and politics.  They discovered they had a common interest in food and similar political beliefs -- both were admirers of Pierre Trudeau, Fidel Castro, and Mitt Romney.  Hersailor was quite taken with the Ayatollah's idea of an elite ruling class entitled to eat fried foods and chocolate.  This vanguard had a duty to eat chocolate, cake, sweet foods, toffee, licorice, donuts, and caramel treats, said the Ayatollah, so that the proletariat could only eat healthy foods like carrots and celery.

 

Hersailor said that he and the Ayatollah tried to put theory into practice in the Wuxi China Expatdom, but they were thwarted by the efforts of Wuxi Expats like Andis Kaulins, Bishop John Galt, T.E. Lawrence, Pope John Paul II, Teresa of Calcutta, Fred Minkleman, Hans Zimmerman, Harry Moore, Mango, Augustine of Hippo, Lord Nielson, Ronald Reagan, Harlan Sanders, Milton Friedman, Christopher Hitchens, and Samara Yamaguchi.

 

They fled to Winnipeg where they established the Expatdom of Mordor.  They opened a Lard and Ivory trading outpost, and took to making brutal raids of the surrounding territory of competing traders.  The Ayatollah had convinced Hersailor and some  immigrants to worship him as a God.

 

After telling this story, Hersailor laughed madly, then heartily, and then diabolically in alternating high, low, and shrill whines.  He then started to cry, but rallied himself so that he was laughing but it was a fake sort of laugh, you could tell.  Again, Hersailor could not hold back the tears, and cried and then suddenly in a fit of ecstasy yelled Hello Sailor Boy! and How are you squishy squishy aardvark ski doo!  He then cried and started barking like a mad dog.  He then suddenly went lawyer-like and began to drone on and on and on, asking the women of the jury to be his mommy.  Callahan, had about as much of that as he could take, and with his one good arm punched Hersailor all the way to Nunavik.

 

Only problem with that is we don't have a guide now.  As well, we were not able to asceratin the Ayatollah's current state of mind.  We will have to rely on Minkleman's keen sense of smell to track the Ayatollah down and on Gorzo's knowledge of human nature to deal with him when we do!"