Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War Siege Site forced to relocate due to expiration of lease

Phase Two of the Wuxi China Expatdom 2012 Civil War has seen its siege battle forced to relocate due to the expiration of its lease at Wuxi's Three Kingdoms Park.

The commanders of the two factions, the allied WCEDVDAS forces and the WCEWCEDVDCWARS force, under a white flag of truce, announced at a joint press conference that their lease with the Three Kingdoms Park, the siege site, was to expire on April 30th.  "We have to be out of the Three Kingdoms by midnight April 30th because someone neglected to renew the lease. Who was responsible for this will be decided by an armed battle." said the Allied WCEDVDAS commander.  "I don't think it was our side.  After all we are the siegers not the besieged.  The enemy begs to differ, of course.  But we welcome the disagreement because there is nothing we like better than a good motivated clash!   The WCEWCEDVDCWARS will suffer for their mistake if we win!"  The WCEWCEDVDCWARS commander, when hearing the words, threatened to tear down the white flag and fight the Allied WCEDVDAS commander on the spot.  It was the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force (WCEIEF), the exclusive supplier of WCE Civil War 2012 merchandise, Karl Malden who was able to separate the commanders.

Malden, after separating the commanders, announced to the assembled press that the Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War Siege Battle would move to The Wuxi China Expatdom World Civil War Theme Park in the Hui Shan District.  "George Williams Brown, the manager of the WCEWCETP, says he has space for us to stage our siege battle.  However, we will have to cancel the battle's Stalingrad Siege theme and instead have both sides dress like the Blues and Greys who fought at the Siege of Vicksburg in 1863!  Brown insists on maintaining the civil war theme of his park -- the siege of Stalingrad was part of an international conflict."

The siege battle at Three Kingdoms, which had been made to resemble Stalingrad 1943, had been fought to a stalemate since March 16.  The predicted breakdown of the encircled WCEWCEDVDCWARS will have to wait till they and the allied WCEDVDAS forces have settled into their siege battle site at the WCEWCETP.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society, who were enemies in Phase One of the WCE Civil War 2012, became allies when the Wuxi China Expatdom WCE Civil War Appreciation and Reenactment Society (WCEWCEDVDCWARS) was taking vital supplies from the two WCEDVDAS armies to stage reenactments of WCEDVDAS battles. The WCEDVDAS alliance marked the beginning of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012 Phase Two.

Wuxi Expats going crazy for Mulroney's Lemon Meragne Pies

Wuxi China Expatdomites are going crazy for the new Lemon Meragne Pies now available in Wuxi at Mulroney's Canadian Bakeries in Wuxi.   Many are dancing in the street to celebrate the introduction of lemon meragne pies, which are only 10 rmb with a small coffee, to the Mulroney's breakfast menu 

Friday morning, at the Mulroney's at the corner of Xueqian and Zhongshan Roads, ten thousand Wuxi Expats could be seen waiting in line to get the Canadian delicacy, which, more than being food, is seen a symbol of the human aspiration for dessert and decency.  Waiting to buy the lemon meragne pies, the Expats were in a jubilant mood as they formed a slowly moving and dancing conga line waiting to be served.  The fortunate Wuxi Expats who had places in front of the line and were able to buy and consume their lemon meragne pies first, could be afterwards seen performing the Prisyadaka dance arm-in-arm with those who had also finished their lemon meragne pies.

Many Expats, when asked about their jubilation, said it was great to get lemon meragne pies at very affordable price in Wuxi.  One Expat, Duston Short, the Midget Sumo Wrestling champion of the WCE, said he hadn't had a lemon meragne pie in years.   Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and  the Andis Kaulins is who the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, told the WCE Blog that he remembered there was a place serving  pies seven years in the WCE.  "Its menu started out with western-style pies but quickly evolved into unimaginable recipes appealing to local tastes before it finally went out of business.  Since then, the Wuxi China Expatdom has been a desert when it comes to lemon meragne pies.  I can understand the jubilation that long-time Wuxi Expats feel at seeing lemon meragne pies on the Mulroney's menu!" said ET Kaulins.

Other Expats said it was wonderful to see food, symbolic of the human aspiration for decency and dessert, being served in the Expatdom.  Wuxi China Expat philosopher Henri Raulston Hume told the WCE Blog that the lemon meragne pies were a "metaphysical revelation" to him and that he would order four lemon meragne pies the next time he went to Mulroney's.  

Shetland Ponies the Latest Wuxi Expat Status Symbol

Helper Monkeys are out; Shetland Ponies are in.  This is the latest style pronouncement from the Wuxi China Expatdom's foremost expert on the tastes the Wuxi China Expatdom Jet Set: Robin Sponge-Sycophant Leach, who made his pronouncement in an interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Esquire (WCEE) Blog.

Faster than lovers, in the throes of passion, taking off their clothes, elite Wuxi Expats are ditching their helper monkeys, their concubines, their Chinese driver licenses, their Chinese drivers, their cars and their Ipads 3; and buying Shetland Ponies.  One such elite Wuxi Expat, Clancy Montague, who had been commuting to Suzhou China Expatdom by car to get to the factory he manages, now rides his Shetland Pony there.  "It does take me an extra four hours a day to get to and from work, but the feeling of being like Sancho Panza really pleases me.  And you should see the look on the eyes of the locals!" says Montague.  "I am also going to buy some Shetland Ponies for my two children who study at the Suzhou International School.  I think I have been spoiling them by driving to pick up them on weekends!"

So popular have Shetland Ponies become that they now sell for one hundred million yuan each at the Wuxi China Expatdom Shetland Pony Shop next to Dangle's Participle Pub on Zhongshan Road near the #2 People's Hospital.  "Before this week, I was usually able to sell one Shetland Pony a week.  Now, I am selling twenty an hour!" said WCE Shetland Pony Shop owner Bill Sandalmaker.

The sudden popularity of Shetland Ponies has, of course, seen unscrupulous shop owners trying to sell fake Shetland Ponies.  One Wuxi Expat, Duston Short, paid one hundred thousand yuan for what turned out to be a stray dog wearing a horse suit.

The sudden unpopularity of Help Monkeys has also resulted in many Wuxi Expats becoming underemployed.  Previously, many Wuxi English Teachers had supplemented their meager teaching salaries by pretending to be Helper Monkeys in their free time.  One out-of-work English Teacher Helper Monkey Duston Short complained to the WCE Blog that the dimunitiveness and squatness of his body, was unfortunately, no asset when pretending to be a Shetland Pony.  "My legs are too short and so I can't be ridden as fast as a Shetland Pony!  I just have to hope that one day, the elite of the Wuxi China Expatdom decide Walruses are the thing to own!"

One Wuxi Expat, Andis Kaulins, the English teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, welcomes the change in taste of the Wuxi China Expatdom elites.  "I can now get Helper Monkeys cheap!   I have bought five of them to be companions to my son Tony!" said ET Kaulins.

U.S. Vice President Strikes Up Friendship with Wuxi Expat

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden tells the WCE Blog that he and Wuxi Expat Duston Short, the diminutive and squat sumo-wrestling English teacher, are now bosom buddies.  "Duston and I have a lot in common and have had similar experiences in life.  We like sticking our heads in toilet bowls, showing up late for work, calling in sick for work, eating lots and lots of food, taking incredibly random steps in illogic, and making pronouncements on things from a position of total ignorance." says Biden.

Biden says their friendship began when Short sent him a fan letter.  "Being Vice President isn't worth a peed-in bowl of corn flakes, as the expression goes.  It can be an incredibly lonely job so you can imagine my joy when Short sent me a letter.  I had something to do!  I put my body and soul into writing a reply.  President Obama was nice enough to let me use UPS to send Short a portfolio full of autographed photos of myself to Short.  Even better, the President let me use his official photographer and send to Short photos of me in Speedos!  Wow!  Short was a real fan I thought to request such a thing!  It has been years since someone wanted to see my body!  When Short sent a reply, it was the beginning of a long correspondence and our tight-as-rope friendship!  I had given up hope that there was someone on earth who shared my interests.  I thought I had been the only one to have problems with getting his head stuck in cupboards!  Short also respected my opinions on a whole range of issues.  When we had our first video skype call, I was truly amazed to see him listen to me without his eyes glazing over or getting this expression on his face that everyone else gets when I talk to them -- I have been trying a lot during my vice-presidency to imitate this look others get -- my vice president's office has a nice mirror.  I finally got the expression down pat when I sat on a cucumber!  Anyway!  Pretty soon, we will be together in person, side-by-side like Sonny and Cher, Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Nixon and Agnew, and Simon and Garfunkel.   President Obama has given me permission to spend the entire Election Campaign hanging out with Short in the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Biden also tells the WCE Blog that he secretly hopes that he and Obama lose the Presidential election.  "I want desperately to hang with Duston Short, going from teaching job to teaching job in Wuxi, eating hot dogs and wearing split-ass pants!  The only problem is that President Obama says he has dibs on living in the WCE if we do lost the election!"

Wuxi Expat Extremely Gratified by Support He has Received after Having to Super-Glue His Shoes.

Andis Kaulins, a Wuxi Expat English Teacher who is not be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, told the WCE Blog that he has been deeply touched by the expressions of concern that he has received from prominent Wuxi Expats after he publicly revealed that he had to super-glue his shoes.

"I have received phone calls emails of concern and support from His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty; his consort Queen Ayira:  the Chosen One; Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango; Mango's wife Wonder Woman; the leader of the Wuxi China Expatdom opposition Nudist Party:  General Augustus Caesar Ramon Chavez Allende Mah Jong Pinochle; the co-leaders of the Wuxi China Expatdom Sexpat Feminist Alliance:  Deloris Morris and John Hefner; the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force: General Colonel Harlan Sanders; the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy:  Admiral Lloyd Bridges;  the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force:  Air Marshall Gregory Peck;  Owners of Gambay's Pub:  Fred and Frank Minkleman; and the commissioner of the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame:  Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis.  All of them tell me that they have size 47 feet and have had to super-glue their shoes too!  I am glad to know that I am not the only one!  His Majesty Gorzo tells me that he is planning to form a Ministry-- perhaps with me as its head -- to see that Wuxi Expats with big feet will never again have to super-glue their shoes due to a lack of size 47 shoes in the WCE!"  said ET Kaulins.

ET Kaulins told the WCE Blog that there a call from one prominent Wuxi Expat, whose phone call was particularly touching.  "Tears came eyes when I got a phone call from Regina, Saskatchewan.  Yes!  Archduke Harry Moore took the time on his honeymoon to phone me!  I couldn't believe it!  His feet are size 44 and His wife Miss Moneypenny's shoes are 42.  He has no skin in this game but he phoned me anyway.  This shows the secret of his incredible charisma:  his incredible empathy for those who are less fortunate than himself; and that of course is everyone else on Earth!  Anyway, after I got the call, I ran around Lake Taihu barefoot!  I was so damn happy!"

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Fired for Eating Hot Dogs in Class

Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion, has been fired, by Universal English School in the Wuxi New District, for eating Hot Dogs during one of his classes.

Barry Dumont, Senior Teacher at Universal English School announced, to a press conference at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, that Universal and Short had parted ways.  "Some of our students went nauseous watching Short stuff hot dogs into his body while trying to teach relative verbs!" said Dumont.

Short told the WCE Blog that he had been out late the night before and so, he "understandably" got up late.  "I can't work without my coffee and my McDonald's breakfast hot dogs, so even though I was running behind, I bought my usual order of fifty dogs.  I was eating my tenth hot dog when the school phoned.  Despite the inconvenience that they were putting me under by insisting that I go to school right away, I rushed, as I fast as I could, to school with all the forty dogs in a bag.  Having to be in the class at that moment just right then, I had no choice or option but to take the hot dogs with me.  They would have been stolen by the other teachers and the school cat if I left them on my desk; and they would also have gotten cold!  So, I think I did the thing that was morally right and proper under the circumstances and at that moment!  I really resent that the head teacher was angry with me!  I couldn't not understand what the problem was!  Heck!  I even offered some of my hot dogs to the students!  It really angers me that they complained!"

The President of the eight million member Wuxi China Expatdom Hot Dog Appreciation Society, Oscar Meyer, said they supported the school's decision.  "Short is a "special" member of the WCEHDAS!" said Meyer, "but he has no leg to stand on in this situation.  There is a time to work; a time to eat hot dogs; a time to sing; a time to dance; a time to enjoy life; a time to prepare; a time to be silly; and a time to be serious. Short has made the mistake that others have made by assuming that the WCEHDAS is an organization for silly and frivolous and irresponsible people....  Well!  Dammit!!  It isn't!  Short, through his behavior has brought great shame on himself and the WCEHDAS.  We are stripping him of his special associate member status right now.  We are even hoping that he be expelled from the WCE!"

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Forced to Super-Glue His shoes

Andis Kaulins, an English Teacher and Wuxi Expat who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins is who the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, has had to super-glue a pair of his shoes for a second time in a week.  With shoes his size hard to find in the Wuxi China Expatdom, Kaulins says he is facing an existential crisis.

"First, it was a pair of shoes I bought in Canada not more than two years ago.  I was teaching a class on a company site, when one of my shoes felt like its bottom was coming out.  Taking a look, I saw that my sole was beginning to separate from the rest of my shoe.  I had to get some super glue from my wife later that evening.  I used the glue on the shoes the next morning and it did the trick!" said ET Kaulins in an exclusive interview with the WCE Super Glue Blog.

"Despite the success of the super-glue, I found I was wary to wear that pair of shoes all the time, so I had been wearing a pair of brown shoes that I had purchased over ten years before.  I had let the shoes sit in my shoe closet for a few years.  At the end of my third time of wearing them, I had the shoe and the sole separate as I was taking them off!  Luckily I still had some super-glue I could use on them!"

ET Kaulins told the WCE Blog that he felt impoverished after the shoe incidents.  "I have one pair of shoes that I can still classify as good and I am more fearful than ever of wearing them!  If they break, I might as well be a tramp!"

ET Kaulins who has size 47 (Euro) of 12 (North American) feet in a country where the shoes are usually no bigger than size 44.  He told the WCE Blog that when he goes back to Canada in May, he will have to "buy at least three pairs of shoes!"  In the meanwhile, he said he had been poring over his fifteen copies of the Poolside Harry Moore  and His KJV Holy Bible in an effort to bolster his spirits.

Wuxi English Teacher denies that he is a Womanizer

Constantis Egomorof, a 58 year old English Teacher from the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia, Canada, told the WCE Blog that he denied, vehemently, charges and rumours going about the Wuxi Expat bar circuit that he was a womanizer.

"It is a serious charge to call someone a womanizer!" said Egomorof. "I agree that people like that should be castrated and chop up into little pieces before being flushed down a toilet. But, as it is, their life is a toilet of depravity anyway! Now! I have to tell you that I have only slept with four students since I arrived here in March. And that is the honest God's truth so don't you dare say I am a womanizer!"

Wuxi Expat Kindergarten Teacher says he only beats up other people's children

Kid Carlie, an English Teacher at Seven Eight Nine Kindergarten in Wuxi's Dong Ting Kindergarten, told the WCE Blog that he was distressed to know that parents were going to be allowed in sit in on his classes as part of a parents day his school was hosting.

"I usually like to punch, spank and beat up the children during my classes.  Most of them are little bastards always trying to slap your ass or punch you in the crotch!  And most of them don't listen to me anyway and seem to look at me like I am some sort of Monkey Teacher!" said Carlie, who has been working at Seven Eight Nine for six weeks.

Asked if he was going to change his teaching and discipline methods with parents in his class, Carlie replied in the negative, saying that he would tell the parents he  "only beat up other people's children, not theirs."

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner accused of Deadism

Owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pubs, Wally Droop has denied vehemently that he is a Deadist.  

The Wuxi China Expatdom Association of Dead English Teachers and Engineers (WCEDETE) leveled the charge against Droop in a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  Said the President of the WCEDETE, Derrick Doornail, deceased:  "I have visited the Pubs owned by Droop on many occasions and not once have I seen him serve dead people.  He tried to throw me out of the pub, making me lean against against a wall in the alley behind his pub.  As well, I have never seen a dead person working in the pub."

"I have never ever discriminated against dead people." said Droop to the WCE Blog.  "If they come to the pub, I serve them.  I have never once not hired any applicants because they are dead.  In fact some of best friends are dead people.  My wife is dead.  Of course, she wasn't when I married her, but she might as well be now, if you know what I mean!  And I have had dead people on staff like Duston Short, for instance.  Come on!  While the guy can waddle around, he is legally dead if you try to examine the organ he has between his ears.  The only reason, I had to let him go was because he was too "dead tired" to show up to work!"

Doornail has told the WCE Blog that he is going to lobby the WCE parliament and ask them to pass some sort of affirmative action legislation. "For far too long, Dead people have been looked down on and given the silent treatment!" said Doornail.

Over one million Wuxi Expats attend the first barbecue of 2012

Over a million Wuxi Expats attended the annual 2012 Gambay's Pub Barbecue held at Wu Culture Park in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi, China on Saturday, April 21.

A good time was had by all, as the crowd, after eating hamburgers and hot dogs cooked up by the Minkleman brothers, danced to a unique fusion of country and funk performed by Harry Callahan & the WCE Trio with special guest vocalist Officer McNulty.

The crowd of barbecuing Expats was gratified by a surprise appearance by his Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom accompanied by his wife Ayria: The Chosen One. The Royal couple showed the large crowd that they were virtuoso dancers introducing a paradigm-shifting brand of country-funk-prisyadka dancing.

The barbecue was then capped off by an after-dinner film talk given by Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President and Archduke Harry Moore. So moved and inspired were the barbecue attendees by Moore's discussion of the films of Glen Ford that they all danced jauntily, via high-speed conga line, back to the New District.

Wuxi Expat English Teacher falls in love with his Thesaurus

Sir Guy Battersbee, an English Teacher and Wuxi Expat from Stokes Carlyle Pier Middlesborough Common, England, has fallen in love with the Merriam Webster Thesaurus that he purchased at the Foreign Language Bookstore in the Shanghai, China Expatdom.  He and his darling Merriam have applied for a Marriage License at the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding License Office.

Battersbee told the WCE Blog of his romance with his Thesaurus.  "Being in China and teaching English can be bad for the size of one's vocabulary!  Having to always choose my words carefully with the students, I find myself always using the most common and inelegant of words.  So, I was in the bathroom one day examining all aspects of myself and to my horror I found that my vocabulary had shrunken.  So, I called in sick, took the train to Shanghai, got on the subway to People's Square, and found the Shanghai Foreign Bookstore and bought a thesaurus."

"At first, my relationship with Merriam was strictly practical.  I used her everyday and found my vocabulary swelling to its original vigorous size.  I felt confident again of my performance.  But I discovered I had worn out Merriam with my frequent consultations of her.  I then took care to mend her spine and re-enforce her covers.  When I gave her a new cover, I tried to find a design that she would like that was flowery and perfume-smelling.  One thing lead to another thing as the expression goes!  I found myself quite taken with the romance of Archduke Harry Moore and Miss Moneypenny.  Theirs was truly a fairy tale love.  I then watched their honeymoon video and was inspired to be as loving of Merriam as the Archduke was of his darling wife!  I found that I had fallen in love, passionately and head over heels!  And thanks to being in the Wuxi China Expatdom with its laws permitting the marriage of humans and inanimate objects, I had myself a spouse!"

"I love Merriam.  She is simple to search with clear guidance for finding the right word.  She lists her words in alphabetical order which helps me find the right word in seconds.  She can provide me with over 157,000 concise word choices.  Her main entries provide me with a statement of core meaning.  And not only can I find Synonyms in Merriam!  I can also find Antonyms!.....  Oh!  How I love antonyms!  Opposites attract they say!"

Battersbee says the only objections he has had to his marrying his Thesaurus were from other English Expats who objecting to his marrying a Webster Thesaurus and not a Cambridge or Oxford Thesaurus.  "Anti-Americanism is akin to anti-Semitism if you ask me!" said Battersbee, an admitted Americaphile.

Battersbee told the WCE Blog that he and Merriam plan to honeymoon with Merriam in Regina, Saskatchewan, like their role models Archduke Harry Moore and Mrs. Miss Moneypenny.  "I want to get on with Merriam on a flat plain where one can be seen for miles like the Archduke and his secretary did from 35:49 to 48:24 of their honeymoon video!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke clamps down on celebration of Hitler's Birthday in the Suzhou China Expatdom

The administration of the colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom by Minister and Archduke Harry Moore has been described as even-handed, wise, kind, loving, decent, gentle and humane by all observers.

But when celebrations of Hitler's Birthday were planned by Suzhou Expats on April 20th, the Archduke displayed a steel and iron firmness that seemed in contradistinction to his normally sunny warm and optimistic demeanor. 

With a iron resolve borne of a righteous and proper indignation, Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies and Archduke Moore decreed that no celebrations of Hitler's birthday would be permitted anywhere in the colonies of the Wuxi China Exaptdom and that particular attention would be given to the Suzhou China Expatdom which is a known hotbed of Hitler admiration.  "I have requested and received the support of Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, Officer McNulty, General Colonel Harlan Sanders, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Air Marshall Gregory Peck and Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force Commander Karl Malden in my campaign to rid the Suzhou China Expatdom of Hitler sympathizers!" said Moore to a hushed and concerned group of media at a press conference held in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  "I expect Officer McNulty will deal his personal and eccentric brand of roughhouse he-man righteous justice to every Hitler sympathizer that is apprehended!"

Eight billion views of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke's honeymoon video on Youtube.

As of April 19, there have been over 8 billion views of a bootleg video taken of the honeymoon intimacies of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore and his bride Miss Moneypenny.

The video has been praised by a wide range of world leaders from U.S. Presidents to Pope Benedict XVI.

U.S. President Obama told a press conference that he and his wife Michelle had watched the two hour Harry Moore honeymoon video ten times.  "If folks don't vote me to be President again, I know what Michelle and I will be doing after January 2013.  Va va va voom!"

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden and Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion Duston Short both said that after the video they both realized that they had been doing it wrong all these years.  They both were head to exclaim "Oh, that is where it goes!"

Pope Benedict XVI said that videos, of what the Archduke and Miss Moneypenny did, were not normally his cup of tea and something he would endorse members of his church watching; but that he would recommend that everyone watch the Archduke's honeymoon video because he and Miss Moneypenny displayed a passion and sheer athleticism that rose to a level that was holy and miraculous!   The video, his holiness added, could replace the Song of Songs in the official Catholic Bible.  As well, the Pope mentioned the possibility of canonizing the couple.

The Nobel Committee is considering awarding the Archduke and Mrs. Miss Moneypenny Nobel prizes for peace and physics.

The Oscar Comittee in the USA has nominated the video for academy awards for best short subject, actor, actress, stuntmenship and best stuntwomenship. 

The big Hollywood studios are now clamoring to do a cinematic remake of the video.  Al Pacino, Robert Redford, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Chuck Norris and Harvey Keitel have already started lobbying for the roles of the all-male love team that would portray the Archduke in the movie.

For their part the Archduke and his secretary wife told the WCE Blog that they had initially resented the intrusion into their privacy, but given the praise the video had received they were now thinking of filming all their intimacies as instructional videos for the world.  "My darling Harry and I want to see married couples all over the world have more loving lives!" said Mrs. Miss Moneypenny.  

Archduke Harry Moore, when asked by the WCE Blog for the secret of his graceful techniques, said that the credit really went to his wife.  "My Honey Bunny Moneypenny has the way of bringing out my inner tiger and saint at the same time and always when we are together!"

Wuxi Expat Engineer falls in love with a Spherical Roller Bearing

Wuxi Expat Engineer Quentin Tomkin, from San Francisco, USA, has fallen in love with a Spherical Roller Bearing and is now, with "Spherical," applying for a marriage license at the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding License Office.

Tomkin told the WCE Blog that after a long life of failed relationships that included four divorces and experimentation with bestiality, libertinism, perversion, bar girls, having concubines, socialism, third wayism, spouse-swapping, golf, bridge, pantheism, Aardvarksim, Ice Skating, cross country skiing, Australian Rule Football, Sufism, drugs, alcoholism, Anglicism, free-love societies and cricket,  he had finally found his true love: a spherical roller bearing that he encountered at his company's factory in the Wuxi New District.

"My darling Spherical features a stamped steel cage and strengthened symmetric roller.  Her design is a second generation, optimized to offer considerably higher load ratings than conventional designs for a broad range of applications and a long service life.  It was her unconventionality and broad range of industrial applications that made me fall in love with her at first sight!" said Tomkin, with obvious romantic love in his eyes.

Ask whose relationship he and his darling Spherical hoped to model themselves after, Tomkin told the WCE Blog that "of course" he hoped to have "a relationship as loving, true, and passionate at that of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore and his wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny."

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to permit Human -- Inanimate Object Matrimony.

Wuxi Expats protest singling out of Ontario Canada Expats in recent WCE Blog article

There was much hue and cry in the Wuxi China Expatdom over a recent WCE Blog article which said a Wuxi Expat, from Ontario, Canada, liked to roll in the many piles of dirt currently in Wuxi because of all its construction.

A recent article in the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog about an Ontario Expat liking to roll in piles of dirt on Wuxi construction sites resulted a crowd of over a million Wuxi Expat protesters looking to storm the WCE Blog's office. The crowd could not find the office and so many either went home, went to McDonald's to eat Breakfast Hot Dogs or practiced Prisyadka dancing.

Soren Kierkeergaard, a Wuxi Expat from Denmark and nominal leader of the protesters, said it was unfair and discriminatory and racist of the WCE Blog to single out Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada for liking strange and disgusting activities like rolling in piles of dirt and dunking heads in the toilets at pubs. "Let it be known that it is not only Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada who get lost, have their heads stuck in cupboards, do things with hot dogs, like to roll in mud and dirt, and stick their heads in public toilets. Let everyone know, by way of clarion and singing, that many of my fellow countrymen living in the Wuxi Expatdom also don't mind, in the least bit, in engaging in these sordid activities. As well, my friends who are Germans, Mexicans, Japanese, Australians, Kiwi, French, English, Brazilian and Italian love these activities. Heck, I would even venture to say that a few Americans, who are normally the most sensible of people, like to roll in piles of dirt and stick hot dogs up their wazoos as well!"

Andis Kaulins, who wrote the article for the WCE Blog, said while he appreciated the criticism and said it was justified, he was still going to single out the Expats from Ontario, Canada because he had a particular animus against them.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi Makes Andis Kaulins Blow His Fuse in The Wuxi China Expatdom; Blames James Cameron

One-time personal spiritual-advisor to John, George, Paul and Ringo, the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has failed to make an impression upon anyone in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Anticipating a multitude of candidate-converts, the Yogi hired the 6-million seat Dorothy Chandler Auditorium to dispense his immaculate wisdom, however not a single Expat attended.

Except Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion Duston Short, who, briefly, listened to the teachings, but then left, saying that he "understand guy didn't that all at."

Undiscouraged, the Maharishi spent three hours addressing the empty auditorium, on his early enlightenment as a student under
Swami Brahmananananda Saraswati; the existentialist-fundamentals of tranquility, peace, love, devotion, and surrender, and playing Led Zeppelin-speed renditions of It's Only Rock And Roll But I like It, and While My Sitar Gently Weeps.

The following day, the Maharishi, - feeling peckish, hovered his way down Zhongshan Road to grab a snack at KFC. There, by sheer chance, he encountered Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher,

"Are you", the 'rishi asked Andis, "attuned to the disciplines of brahmachari, as a student of spiritual knowledge,
and a life-long celibate ascetic?".

"And, my brother", the Mahesh continued, "do you celebrate the very genuine feeling of complete oneness with GuruDev; the inspired-Jyotirmath; Swami, Swarmi, How I Love Ya How I Love Ya; Don't Jump Into The Icy Sea, Rose!; Instant Kama Sutra; Jack, Jack, Don't Leave Me Jack!, and With The Axe, Rose! ?".

Andis Kaulins' verbal and physical responses are not recorded, but, at last report, the Maharishi was transcendentally medititating (TM) himself, at high speed, back to Shanargri La-la.

One million Shanghai China Expats gather to celebrate six months of Wuxi China Expatdom Colonial Status

Over a million Shanghai Expats attended a picnic at Xujiahui Park in the former French concession to celebrate the first six months of their Shanghai China Expatdom being a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"The day that his majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, issued the decree accepting the application of the Shanghai China Expatdom to become a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom was the greatest day in my life, save all the days since when the Shanghai China Expatdom has been an official colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom!" said picnic organizer Saul Rudkin, a Wuxi Expat who had the misfortune to find a job in Shanghai.

When asked if it was a comedown to be living in a colony, another Shanghai China Expat Francis Dye, an English teacher, said it was in fact a step up into being civilized. "You must understand that before we had Wuxi China Expatdom colonial status, the average Shanghai Expat was a brute lacking any of the refinements of civilization. Most of us couldn't read, write, use a toilet, wash clothes, eat with utensils, make love to a women without first clubbing her over a head with a club, not vote for the Democrat Party of the U.S., and balance a cheque book!" said Dye.

Besides being full of praise for Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty, Shanghai Expats, to a man and woman, were also full of praise for the Minister of Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies Archduke Harry Moore. "Archduke Moore is something of a polymath, in the manner of Benjamin Franklin, I understand." stated Shanghai Expat Lars Larry Larsen. "Besides being the best government administrator the Shanghai Expatdom has ever had, Moore writes a great novel, looks great in Speedos, delivers a stirring lecture in a film-studies class, dances a storm like Fred Astaire, has the grace of Fred Astaire, survives an assassination attempt with great aplomb, smiles like Ronald Reagan, has the virility of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris combined, is married to Miss Moneypenny and has tousled locks of sublime black hair. I hope that these rumors of bootlegged videos taken on his honeymoon with Miss Moneypenny are true. The archduke must be a gold medal winning lovemaking athlete. Videos of him lovemaking would be great instructional tools for all other men!"

Picnic attendees were honored by an appearance by one of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Triplets, Prince Hayek the Mighty, making his first appearance as a representative of the Wuxi China Expatdom Monarchy. Hayek was mobbed by Shanghai Expats seeking a lock of his golden hair.

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner bans his 3000th Patron of 2012

Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, banned his 3000th patron, in the year of 2012, from ever coming back to his pub.  In Gambay's history, it was the earliest in a year, that the 3000th patron had been banned.  The previous earliest date had been on May 20, 2010 when Minkleman had the 3000th Patron of 2010 from ever coming back to pub.  "Usually, we don't ban the 3000th patron of the year till June or August.  Last year, we banned patron number 3000 on August 8th!" said Minkleman in an interview with the WCE Blog.

Minkleman told the WCE Blog that he attributed this year's early 3000th banned customer to the fact that  business at Gambay's had been better than ever, due to the amazingly great monarchy of King Gorzo the Mighty,  and so it was only natural that more unruly, uncivilized and uneducated patrons would come into his pub.

The 3000th banned patron 0f 2012, Peter Southland from Ontario, Canada, was banned from Gambay's for dunking his head in a toilet and attempting to distribute White Supremacist pamphlets.  His photo was put into the Gambay's barred patron registry before he was kicked out with the golden boot, now traditionally used to kick out the 3000th banned patron of the year.

"Patrons can get banned for a variety of reasons.  But it usually comes down to how they treat the other patrons.  I am fortunate to have been born with a thick skin so I don't care what is said to me!  But my patrons are King and if you mistreat or disrespect them, you are out of my pub forever!" said Minkleman.  "We have banned a lot of Frenchmen for being assholes and speaking in a pretentious manner; we have banned Germans for forgetting that they lost the war;  English teachers for grammar mistakes and mangling the English language, and a lot of Canadians for over-zealously trying to get the attention of Expats from all other countries.  It is my dream to ban Andis Kaulins from coming to Gambay's but he is too cheap to ever take a step on our premises!"

Wuxi Expat from Ontario Canada likes to roll in piles of dirt

Because of all the construction going on in Wuxi, there are meter high piles of dirt all over the city.  While most see the piles as an eyesore, one Wuxi Expat Duston Short sees the piles of dirt as a way of expressing his creativity and practicing his free-thinking, and so he can be seen spending all his free time rolling and burying himself in them.

Duston Short told the WCE Blog that dirt pile rolling was not something he would have imagined doing even a year ago.  "I more of the type that likes to dunk his head in the toilet of a pub or bar, it being the national sport of Ontario, Canada, but Wally Droop the owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pub, being a fascist and all, banned me and my toilet-dunking Ontario Expat friends from the pub.  For a while, we tried to dunk our heads in the public toilets of Wuxi, but our heads kept getting stuck in the little holes of the squat toilets.  We were at a lost as to what to do until I went to Room 101 Pub and had the bar owner there throw me into a nearby pile of dirt and mortar of a nearby construction site.  Wallowing in the dirt, I found I was happy and content like a pig in a sty!  I had found myself a new hobby and that I could save lots of money by not having to pay for over-priced drinks and the privilege of dunking my head in the pub toilet!"

Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom midget Sumo Wrestling Champion, packs 200 pounds on his five foot six inch frame, took the WCE Blog interviewer to his favorite pile of dirt off Xincheng Road north of the Wuxi Train Station.  There, he drew crowds of amused locals for whom he put on a show by rubbing his body into the dirt and banging old bits of brick and mortar against his head.

"Dirt Pile Rolling," said Short, "is my way of saying HEY!  I AM CANADIAN!  I AM NOT AN AMERICAN!  TAKE NOTICE OF ME!  PLEASE!"

Wuxi Expat, from Ireland, loves to join in on local game of "Who's going to pay the bill?"

Sean Thornton, a Wuxi Expat from Ireland, has joined, in a hearty but violent manner, the local game of "Who's going to pay the bill?" In this game, Wuxi locals eating together at a restaurant can often be seen playfully wrestling over who will pay the bill.

Thornton's first attempt to join the game was meet with major resistance. "When I first came to Wuxi and saw this practice for the very first time, I asked the participants if they were having a private fight or if anyone could join in." said Thorton to the WCE blog. "Not detecting a answer in the negative. I joined in. I punched one of the guys, whose wife then rained a fury of haymakers upon me person! Being a gentlemen and all, I let the lady have her way till the other men joined in on the attack against my person. So my first brawl in China was seemingly me against all of China!"

It was only after Thornton found a Chinese female companion that Thornton's participation in "Who's going to pay the bill?" was accepted by the locals. "My darling Cherry Soda, who is as open-minded a Chinese female as you will find anywhere in the Expatdom, was after a series of my donnybrooks at restaurants, able to convince the locals that my pugilism over the bill was really being very respectful of their culture. The locals soon began to enjoy my joining in their local game. They seemed to learn to love a good scrap as much as I do. I soon became a local celebrity and now anytime I go to a restaurant, I will have five or six other tables asking me to join in traditional arguing about the bill. Now, you will see many Wuxi locals coming to restaurants with boxing gloves, truncheons, whips, chains and cat-o-nine-tails! Restaurants with boxing rings are becoming all the rage in Wuxi. And it is all because of me! So what you're seeing is a real melding of Irish and Wuxi culture in a way that everyone wins! And it is something for which I will always be proud!"

His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty has made Thornton, a teacher of English, an eternal member of the Royal Masonic Order of the Wuxi China Expatdom, and created an award in Thornton's honour, the Sean Thornton Double Diamond Platinum Medal of Honor which will be awarded to Wuxi Expats who enhance Wuxi local culture by melding their home country nation practices with those of Wuxi local culture.

All Natural Naked Dragon Boat Race to take place in the Wuxi China Expatdom

An All Natural Naked Dragon Boat Race will take place at Lake Taihu on June 16th.  The organizers of the race announced the date for the World's biggest boat race at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi.

With over a billion dollars in prize money, Wuxi Expatdomites are encouraged to form their Boat Racing teams soon.  "The only rule we will be sticklers about in this race," said the All Natural Naked Dragon Boat Race Chief Organizer Joe Hart, "is that all participants adopt a naturist mode of dress,  i.e the full monty or totally nagoy!"

Wuxi Expat says every day is Friday the 13th for him

Wuxi Expat Tim Cutler, when told that Friday's date was the 13th, said that everyday was like Friday the 13th for him.

"Everyone seems out to get me!  I just can't seem to get a break!" lamented Cutler, an English teacher from England who was also almost certain that all the English schools in Wuxi had cheated him.

Kirk Douglas To Conduct Gladiator Movie-Actor Training Workshops In The Wuxi China Expatdom

The President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society (WCEFAS), Harry Moore, has invited the famous Spartacus-actor Kirk Douglas to the WCE to present training lessons.

"I'm delighted", said Harry Moore, "that Kirk, the undisputed doyen
of combative rituals will be here next month, MCMLXVIII, to give
training seminars for budding-thespians in the Expatdom.

"The sessions will be held at the WCE's Lake Taihu Sword-And-Sandals Studio Sound Stage (WCELTSASSSS). Mr Douglas informs me that there is a real-life parallel to the Spartacus movie-slave revolts, and what happened here in the Expatdom".

"He's correct", explained Harry Moore, "Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, is the true-life charismatic leader here with a vision who, Spartacus-like, forced a long-awaited revolt against the much-despised former King of Wuxi, aka The Ayatollah of Mordor".

Harry Moore said that he'd spent countless years studying the individual frames, camera angles, and transitions of Kirk Douglas' gladiator movies, and the contours of Kirk's protruding chin, which
was modelled on the cigar-store Indian chin.

"Kirk's years of Shakespearean training come across in every one of his scenes, and in his lines. Kirk is of the naturist-acting school, and he
rejects the method style".

The three-day training sessions will cover every aspect of gladiator movie-acting, including:

- Kirk's ability to make rousing speeches to tens of thousands of
oppressed slaves without the use of a microphone;
- how to manfully-suffer excrutiating pain in the arena with a lack of any visible injuries;
- refining one's rugged masculinity, and rampant heterosexuality;
- developing 3cm-deep chin dimples;
- lip-stretching exercises to expose a kilometre of teeth in the
orthodox defiant-grimace expression;
- rendering overlong dialogue that audiences will struggle to stay awake through; and, of course, the technique of sword-slashing one's opponent with such phenomenal speed that the strokes become an indistinct blur.

"And", Harry Moore went on, "Mr Douglas will train Expat actor-students how to rehearse the staccato spit-ting-out of ev-er-y syll-a-ble of the text. Also, as we all know, gladiator movie-actors must never, ever, rely on minimal responses.

"An ordinary silent head-shake, for instance, must be replaced with a passionately-spoken:

"No! mark thee, we, the violent slave-masses and stunt-men will never have our rights gnawed-away like rats do with chicken-scraps behind the KFC in Zhongshan at night-time; though born in the slave-pits, we are men, - real BC everymen with dreams, hopes, dignity, passions, and worn-out underpants, and, I wager thee, we will array our overly-dramatic pouting and posturising to forever cast-off the shackles of tyranny that have enslaved us for nigh-on five centuries past!!".

"Or words to that effect", said Harry Moore.

No Sightings Of Hui Shan Abdominable Snowman Prompt Media Coverage

All Natural Naked Roller Derby is coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom!

In what was probably the most exciting thing to happen to the Wuxi China Expatdom since the deposing of the Ayatollah of Mordor; the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor; Mango Mania; the coronation of King Gorzo the Mighty; the marriage of Gorzo the Mighty and Princess Ayria: The Chosen One; the Wuxi Red Guards winning the Super Duper Bowl two years in a row; the election of the first Monkey Parliament; the capture of the Kraken in Lake Taihu; the launching of the Wuxi China Expatdom's tenth aircraft carrier; the victory of Harry Callahan and the Wuxi Expatdom Trio at the World Expatdom Vision Contest in Brandon, Canada; the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy sailing to Shilo, Manitoba; the search for the Swedish Bikini Team in the tunnels of the Wuxi train station; the marriage of Prime Minister Mango and Wonder Woman; the coup d'etat that installed a military junta as the Wuxi China Expatdom opposition party; the two inductions of Harry Moore into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame; the inductions of TE Lawrence, Rush Limbaugh, Tony Kaulins, Andis Kaulins in the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame; The WCEDVDAS Civil War, the search for the missing Swedish Bikini Team, Archduke Harry Moore's marriage to his secretary Miss Moneypenny; Queen Ayria's three boxing victories over Hilary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama; the opening of a wildlife safari park in the 1912 Bar District; and the return of Doc Delaney to his chiropractor practice; Wuxi China Expatdom entrepreneur Marvin Monroe announced that the Wuxi China Expatdom has been awarded a franchise in the All Natural Naked World Roller Derby Association (ANNWRDA) which will begin play in 2013.  Over the next few months, a contest will be held to determine the team's name.

 

Said Monroe at a press conference held in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub where he announced the awarding of the franchise:

 

"I am proud to tell you that smash mouth, smash head, all-natural naked Roller Derby excitement is coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom!  By being awarded a franchise in the All Natural Naked World Roller Derby Association, the Expatdom and Wuxi China will be part of the world's first truly global and successful professional sports league.  Along with the Expatdom, the All Natural Naked World Roller Derby Association will have teams in London, Paris, Des Moines, Philadelphia, Baghdad, Tehran, Seoul, Pyong Yang, Tokyo, Moscow, Cairo, Sydney, Manila, Winnipeg, Berlin, Warsaw, Oslo, Oklahoma City, Copenhagen, New York, Seattle, Regina, Moose Jaw, Manchester, Cork, Cardiff, Dublin, Edinburgh, Mexico City, Guatemala, Santiago, Havana, Brasilia, Lima, Shanghai, Chong Ching, Hefei, Saigon, New Delhi, Montreal, Rome, Athens, Madrid, Vienna, and Taipei!

 

Already, great athletes and great individuals, from other fields of achievement, have agreed to join the ANNWRDA.  The Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, half the English Premiership, the entire Australian Rules Football League, the participants in the Rugby World Cup, the Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins, the Vancouver Canucks, the entire Canadian Football League, the top two division of Italian Soccer, the Premier Liga, 15 Nobel Prize Winners, Lady Gaga, U2, JK Rowling, Brad Pitt, the entire senate of New York State, Joe Biden, the Black Caucus of the United States Congress, half the work staff at the Jet Propulsion Labratory, NASA, author Harry Moore, Stripper Zach Landon, half the Communist Party of China, three quarters of the Berlin Philharmonic, the top one hundred Ping Pong players in China, Steven Spielburg, Richard Dawkins, Paul Krugman, Stephen Hawking, Leftist English teacher Tom Butler, New Gingrich, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Terry Pickett, and Mick Jagger have agreed to join the league and give up their normal professions.  There is a rumour, which I won't say is not true, that President Barack Obama is thinking of not running for a second-term as U.S. President and instead joining our league.  Already Michelle Obama has pledged to skate for our Washington D.C. franchise!

 

We hope to pack four million seat Wuxi China Expatdom Roller Derby Palace for every match!"

 

 

Wuxi China Expatdomites, who are not ones to be bereft of excitement, expressed the most passionate of enthusiasm when hearing the news that All Natural Naked Roller Derby was coming to the Expatdom.  Andis Kaulins, who told stories of watching Team Canada and Skinny Mini Miller in the 1970s, said he might reach into his deep pockets and buy season tickets.  "I can have my son Tony sit on my lap so I only need to buy two tickets for me and my wife."  Archduke Harry Moore told the WCE Blog that he and his wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny had bought season tickets.  The Archduke laughed with awesome virility and tossed back his golden locks of dark tousled hair when asked if he was going to skate for the Wuxi China Expatdom ANNWRDA franchise.  "Australians don't know how to skate!" said the Archduke.

Asked what had happened to the Wuxi Rollers of the World Roller Derby Association which he had started, owner Marvin Monroe told the WCE Blog that while the Rollers did attract crowds of 200,000 to their matches, the crowds seem small in the four million seat Wuxi China Expatdom Roller Derby Palace.  Said Moore:  "The biggest complaint our sales staff received was about the Rollers wearing clothing!" said Monroe.  Now that Roller Derby in the WCE is All Natural and Naked, we have already sold three million season tickets!" said Monroe.

Despite long siege, sales of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War memorabilia still brisk.

Sales of official merchandise of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012, which is currently in its second phase and in the midst of a Stalingrad type siege, are still very brisk says Commander Karl Malden of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force (WCEIEF), the exclusive supplier of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012 merchandise.

"You would think that in this day and age, people would not keep up their enthusiasm for a war which is the midst of a long siege right now, but sales, of Phase Two Civil War merchandise, are still brisk and even increasing!  The longer the siege has been going on, the more the daily sales revenue of related memorabilia have been.  What has been especially popular are calendars with markers that allow people to count the number of days since the siege has begun!" said Malden.

In the Civil War itself, the siege, which has been made to resemble Stalingrad 1943 and has been taking place at Three Kingdoms Park since March 16, shows no signs of abating.  The WCEDVDAS forces, which in phase one had been fighting each other, are now in alliance and have completely encircled the forces of the WCEWCEDVDCWARS for nearly four weeks. Rumors persist that pressure is being put on the WCEWCEDVDCWARS by the WCEIEF to try a break-out maneuver. WCEIEF Commander Karl Malden had promised to split revenue fifty-fifty of Breakout 2012 T-Shirt sales with the WCEWCEDVDCWARS.  However, the WCEWCEDVDCWARS is still looking for allies to parachute-drop necessary supplies into their stronghold for a breakout.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society, who were enemies in Phase One of the WCE Civil War 2012, became allies when the Wuxi China Expatdom WCE Civil War Appreciation and Reenactment Society (WCEWCEDVDCWARS) was taking vital supplies from the two WCEDVDAS armies to stage reenactments of WCEDVDAS battles. The WCEDVDAS alliance marked the beginning of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012 Phase Two.

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner denies that he is exploiting his alcoholic customers

Wally Droop, a Wuxi Expat and the owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pubs, denies allegations that he is exploiting his alcoholic customers and says that if anyone says these allegations to his face again, he will show them what's up with his fists.

"In fact, my customers are like family to me!" says Droop, who has been married four times and cannot return to his home country because he will be put in jail for polygamy.  "If I do exploit them, and that is a very, very marginal "if," it would only be in a sexual sense.  But then these lonely pathetic alcoholics want it anyway so how I could be exploiting them?"  Droop is famous and infamous for always fondling his male customers.

Droop tells the WCE Blog, as well, that  the dungeons and the handcuffs that are known to be on the premises of his pubs are only there for adult kinky fun, and that they are not used to lock up alcoholic customers who had yet to pay.  "I did do that before." admits Droop.  "That is , I did experiment with locking up the alcoholics and making them do menial tasks to pay off their bar tabs, but some of them needed to be fed and a lot of them thought of dungeons as free room and board.  So I don't imprison alcoholics anymore.  What I do do is I rent out the handcuffs and dungeons to the Wuxi China Expatdom Feminist Sexpat Alliance for political meetings!"

Droop says he deals with alcoholics now by setting the prices of his drinks super high to discourage them from drinking.  "If that doesn't stop them, I don't put so much salt in the food we serve! And if worse comes to worst, I throw them in the canal out back!"

Droop blamed Andis Kaulins, the English teacher, for circulating the allegations of alcoholic exploitation.  "I don't know why that guy has it in for me!" lamented Droop.

Family-Of-Four Influx Profile #3: The Youatt-Mulgrews, From New Zealand

Joining the millions of new-arrivals that now call the Wuxi China Expatdom home are the Kiwi family the Youatt-Mulgrews.
Bob S. Grant, the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Families Council (WCEFC), once-more extended a hearty welcome to Phil Youatt-Mulgrew, and his three charming daughters.

Phil Youatt-Mulgrew's decision to up-root his family from New Zealand was spontaneous. Afflicted by an acute case of piles, Phil's doctor casually mentioned the new opportunites for families in the WCE.
"I told the doc to hurry-up and apply the cream", said Phil, "so we could pack our things and get going". Arriving in the Expatdom aboard the S.S. Carpathia, the family was immediately dumb-struck by their first glimpse of their new homeland.

"We couldn't believe our peepers. Wuxi's glittering high-rises
crowded between the blue Lake Taihu and the emerald of the Hui Shan ranges, cooled by soft trade-winds, gilded by golden sunsets and the stunning arches of rainbows: the booming prosperity, the proud history, and, above all, peopled by the friendliest Expats in the world", Phil clucks excitedly.

Better-known by his nickname, The Fonz, from the family's favourite television show, Phil hasn't worked a day in his 85 years.
"I spent most of my time beach-fossicking back in our old hometown, Waikikamukau".

"But I've been divorced five times so I do have plenty of hide-the-ferret experience under my furry loin-flap. I've got three lovely daughters, and probably lots more kids that I don't know about back in New Zealand", says Fonzie with disarming candour. "My daughters, Joanie, Potsie, and Ralph Malph, are wonderful, and you can see that that they positively glow here in the Wuxi China Expatdom".

Phil-Fonz and his daughters have purchased a luxury apartment in the same building where the Expatdom's foremost English Teacher, Andis Kaulins, resides. "Yes", smiles Fonz, "Andis Kaulins' apartment is right next to our pad. Andis is a fine young man, and the most right-neighbourly person in the world. He has given us a helping-hand getting our new drapes and rugs in place. He also helps us navigate our way around the Expatdom - naturally he knows where all the great WCE beauty-spots are, as well as the excellent shops."

"Andis told us to stop-by at his school anytime...(umm, well at-least I think that's what he said). So we love it up here in the verandah-cafe. After a long day bargain-hunting in the Nanchang Temple malls, we can rest our weary paws here", The Fonz says.

Phil-Fonzie Youatt-Mulgrew believes that he can make himself useful in the Wuxi China Expatdom.
Already a well-known pater familias-figure in the Expat Bars and Zhongshan, Phil-Fonz says that he can contribute his sage-like wisdom and personal-magnetism as a friend and counsellor to the Expats.
"Any Expat can come and seek my advice", he said, "people here who might have sex-problems can talk to me anytime.

"My email is: spankmysaggingbuttdailybutthatsthewayilikeituhuhuhandlostmeblessedglassesagainsomytwothumbsupwithagreatbigheeyyyy@tombosleymail.com

Wuxi Expats enroll in dog and ape obedience classes

A group of Wuxi Expats from Ontario Canada have enrolled in local animal obedience classes.  One such Ontario Canada Wuxi Expat, Duston Short has enrolled in both dog obedience and gorilla obedience classes run by the Wuxi China Expatdom Animal Obedience Society (WCEAOS).

Asked why he and many other Ontario Canada Wuxi Expats were enrolling in animal obedience classes, Short told the WCE blog that he and many other Ontario Canada Wuxi Expats were always peeing on the floor and making messes at two Wuxi Expat Pubs:  Dangle's Participle and the Chestnut.  "Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut, told us to not come back till we had taken some obedience classes" said Short, the reigning midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "I think that when he said what he did that he was serious and not being sarcoustic as some people, who have told us not to enroll in obedience classes, have said!  Sammy Dangle of the Dangle's Participle also had some hard, but I think loving, words for us too!  So we will try to please them both!"

Short then told the WCE Blog that he was enrolling in two obedience programs, one for dogs and another for gorillas, because he wasn't sure yet which program was for him and would suit his busy "don't wash and wear lifestyle."  "I also have tardiness and cleanliness issues as well, so I will see which program will help me better!" said Short.

The great Wuxi China Expatdom historian Edward Gibbon told the WCE Blog that Short and his gang of Ontario Canada Wuxi Expats are not the first human Expats in WCE history to enroll in animal obedience classes.  "There have been a few Wuxi Sexpats who have enrolled in thoroughbred horse obedience classes as late as last year.  As well, the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, had to enroll in an obedience course as a requirement for getting distemper shots!"

Marlin Perkins, spokesman for the WCEAOS, told the WCE Blog that if they can tame the Ontario Expats, the WCEOAS would then run animal obedience classes for Shanghai China and Suzhou China Expats.  "Shanghai and Suzhou Expats are notorious for having accidents and making messes in living rooms and shopping centers!" said Perkins.

Wuxi Expat Family appreciates the challenge of mountain-climbing in the Wuxi China Expatdom

The Grant Family: Father Bob S., Mother Clare, Son Bob Jr. and Daughter Clare Jr. from Claremont, California paid the first of, what they told the WCE Blog, will be many visits to Balansky's Mountain Park, run by Saskatchewan Expat Hank Balansky, in the Wuxi New District.

Bob S. Grant, a former proctologist turned English teacher, told the WCE Blog that his visit to Balansky's Mountain Park was spiritually uplifting and that he could hardly wait to come again.  "Now that I have conquered the authentic true-to-scale version of Mount K2, I can hardly wait to climb the authentic replicas of Kanchenjunga, Nanga Parbat, Pomiu, Lhotse, and Everest.

His wife Clare, a former Tax Attorney now teaching at Little Nippers Kindergarten in the Meicun District, told the WCE Blog that the staff at Balansky's Mountain Park treated her "mighty nice" and that she made many new friends. "The abominable snowmen who live on Mount Harry Moore were so helpful. They accompanied me everywhere and tried their best to ask any questions I had!"

The Grant children told the WCE Blog that they were "freaked out" by the height of the 88,888m high Mount Gorzo and the 78,789m high Mount Harry Moore.  "It is amazing what they can do in the Wuxi China Expatdom!" proclaimed the children.

World Leaders praise and offer comments on raid on Wuxi Expat Pub

World Leaders have praised the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force raid on the Walnut Pub DJ Booth, located in a bunker 3,000 meters below the earth's surface, that destroyed a huge stockpile of Hip Hop Music.

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI praised the raid saying it was a victory for "human decency and taste."

Vice President Joe Biden of the United States said "the raid was very smart and that his administration was thinking that a similar kind of raid done by the U.S. in the next few months could propel Obama to a re-election!"

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said it was very clever of Officer McNulty to disguise his million man raiding force as Zulu Warriors.  "The Australian Pub owner Wally Droop was fooled by his greed into thinking he was going to set his pub's single night receipt record." said Harper.

 

German Chancellor Andrea Merkel said that Wally Droop, the Walnut Pub owner, should have listened to her when she told him that bunkers are not a good idea because the force commanded by Officer McNulty was extremely efficient.

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard said that Officer McNulty was all man and that it wouldn't surprise her "if he had some Australian blood in him because he was certainly more manly than Canadians Duston Short and Andis Kaulins who didn't participate in the raid!"

For his part, Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and Andis Kaulins Esquire who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, said the raid was probably the greatest thing to happen in human history since Harry Moore last survived an assassination attempt.

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies Harry Moore, full of graciousness and smiling optimism, while stroking his virile locks of tousled dark hair out of his piercing blue eyes, said that he and his darling Mrs. Miss Moneypenny were really impressed by the raid.  "We received news of the raid's success while we were in our hot tub together.  I squeezed my rubber ducky three times before giving my dear wife a hearty kiss to celebrate.  Nothing pleases me more than to see others do wonderful things with massive crowds.  It puts the pressure off me!"

One million Zulu Warriors seen Prisyadka Dancing outside a Wuxi Expat Pub

There was an incredible scene last night at the Walnut Pub, located near the Nanchang Jie Bar Street in Wuxi, China.  An estimated one million Zulu Warriors were seen dancing arm-in-arm, in a most jubilant manner, the Prisyadka Dance.

The questions of why the Zulu Warriors were at the Walnut and why they were dancing so jubilantly the Prisyadka dance, will hopefully be answered at a press conference to be held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  Officer McNulty from the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad and Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead are planning to make a special announcement about an operation involving Zulu Warriors at the Walnut.

Family-Of-Four Influx Profile #2: The Rosenbaumblatts, From Manhattan

Former NY stockbroker Joel Rosenbaumblatt, his wife Mary-Beth Rosenbaumblatt-Bloom, and their blonde-bombshell daughter, Cracklin' Rosie, have joined the human-tsunami of immigrant arrivals into the warmly-welcoming bosom of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

At Lake Taihu Keys, Andis Kaulins, President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association (WCEEEA), interviewed the Rosenbaumblatts aboard their luxury Italian-built super-yacht, the 88.08m "Ciao Bella Casa Bertie Wooster La Aqua Grande".

"Yessir", said the garrulous Joel,"coming here to the WCE was the best move we ever made. "I'd become a successful bear-marketeer back in Wall Street. But I didn't have it easy, and I had claw my way to the top.

"As a kid, growing-up with my folks, our lives were standard and poor. We were living there in Allentown, and then they closed all the factories down, iron and coke, chromium steel. So oh my Papa and my yiddisher Momma packed us all up and we moved to Hell's Kitchen, where things were a lot better.

"And my wife -ain't she a sweetie, was right behind me all the way, and I'd have never made it without her.
"Mary-Beth Bloom and I met in high school. It was got-the-hots at first sight for us, and soon we were the popular steadies. And the king and the queen of the prom, riding around with the car top down and the radio on. Nobody looked any finer, or was more of a hit at the Parkway Diner.

"So yeah, together we've had wedded bliss, and everything money can buy, but my health had begun to deteriorate. My stockbrokering talents suffered too; couldn't even make a dead cat bounce anymore.

"Every time I tried to walk into the concrete canyons", Joel explained, "I was accosted by those pesky Barrackuda guerillas and cadres. They called me rude names, and tried to shove leaflets up my nostrils. That caused me lots of stress-symptoms, including involuntary arm-jerking; pelvic gyrations; altered vision; eye and face twitching; terminal constipation; pain, tingling and numbness in my extremeties, as well as mental confusion, hallucinations, palpitations, and empty-headedness. So, we quit the boiler room, sold-up, and moved here a month ago.

"King Gorzo The Mighty gave us the right-royal welcome mat. On our arrival He personally checked-us in to your opulent Chomp-and-skees Hilton. Picked-up the tab too. In our suite, they'd provided complimentary copies of the Poolside Harry Moore, and The Lonely Planet Guide to The Three Andis Kaulins'. We devoured them.

"Now we're living aboard this yacht, - every new-arrival family gets one, here on magnificent Lake Taihu. Already I'm back to glowing health. "But oh, Andis, - my apologies!, here my friend, let me refill your glass of Moet et Tsingtao, - there ya go, down the hatch!
"And", Joel went on, "unlike in the Big Apple, we don't have to carry wads of cash around with us here in the Expatdom, - the generosity here is overwhelming.

"Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, delivers cartons of Lucky Strikes to us three times a day, and he refuses to take a dime. Says that it's the least he can do, bless him. And Harry Moore personally rickshaws us to the synagogue, he's a great puller. Real swell guys.

"We're actually a family of four. Mary-Beth is expecting".
"Yep, though I'm not young and virile these days, well, Mary-Beth and I
still manage the occasional hootsie-tootsie, - knee-tremblers mostly.", grinned Joel, blushing. "But Andis, you and I are both men-of-the-world, so I betcha know what I'm talking about. hehehehe!

"Cracklin' Rosie, our daughter, is still single. She adores it here in the Expatdom. Legions of eligible young Expat guys, and she loves the nightly conga-jitterbugging at Gambays. She bumped-into Al Pacino there two night's ago, and he kissed her. And hey, you married, Andis?", queried Joel.
(for the 148th time during their conversation, Andis Kaulins was given no opportunity to reply).

"Andis", asked Joel, "you know your way around the Expatdom better than anyone else - maybe you could show us newbies all the popular Expat places sometime? And I've heard that you enjoy European cuisine.
Tell you what, I'll leave it to your choice - order us a bottle of white, a bottle of red, or perhaps a bottle of rosé instead.
We'll meet you any time you want, in your Italian restaurant.


"Wrapping it all up, Andis, the Wuxi China Expatdom is the best therapy in the world!. Bottoms up!"