"I and the American people, whether Republican or Democrat, whether Old or Young, whether heterosexual or trans-gendered or bisexual or gay, whether man or woman, whether Stones or Beatles fans, whether Christian or Jewish or Muslim or Pagan or Catholic or Buddhist or Hindu or Agnostic or Atheist, whether documented or undocumented, whether in prison or not, whether African, European, Latino, or Asian, whether ideologues or pragmatists, whether working in the private sector or in public service, whether feeling under the weather or not -- all Americans from all sides of the divides that I am working as President to transcend so as to amend... Yes!! Yes indeed! All Americans are united and, except for some reactionary elements, full of profound serious concern and sympathy for the fate of the missing Wuxi China Expats from Toronto, Canada. And in doing so, Americans and I have joined folks from all over the world who wonder, while full of the highest and graceful concern, where the missing expats could possibly be. I personally join those who are praying for them, while at the same time acknowledging to those who may be offended by my expression of religiosity that I do so in a manner of placebo-like good will.
The Wuxi Expats who went missing demanding molasses and pork chops were expressing a demand for basic human dignity. They were like the freedom marchers going down to the Southern USA in the 1960s to battle the forces of intolerance and segregation. I wish to express my clear support for the ideals and aspirations these Expats expressed. I not only want molasses and pork chops, I want a side of apple sauce mixed with a dollop of social justice and equality for all!
I have spoken to Gorzo the Mighty, King of Wuxi China Expatdom as well as to Dwight Eisenhower, commander of the International Expeditionary Force that is searching for the missing Wuxi China Expats from Toronto, Canada. I have told them both of my irreversible, credible, concrete, irrevocable support for their efforts. I further told them with perfect "let me be clear" unambiguous clarity that all Americans support their efforts and hope, strenuously, that the missing Wuxi Expats can be found as swiftly as possible. And then I added in a verbose manner that I wasn't George W. Bush and they should be very pleased with me.
When I think of Toronto, Canada, I think of their magnificent hockey team, the Canadiens, and how, even though, I hated it when the swift players of their team seemed to always outscore my beloved Chicago Black Birds, one couldn't help but admire their aspirations to always win the Stanley Cup, and so gain the respect of the world.
In this difficult time, I know that the people of Wuxi China Expatdom, the people of Toronto, the people of America, and the people of the world will persevere, and they must know that they will continue to have a friend in me.
Thank you, and God bless me!"
What a putz!
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