Harry Callahan, seven-time suspended chief detective and head police commissioner of the Wuxi China Expatdom, announced, at a sparsely attended press conference yesterday, that he had located the Toronto, Canada Expats who gone missing after last being seen making demands for Molasses and Pork Chops at Harry Moore Memorial Square.
Callahan said that "the Toronto, Canada Expats hadn't really disappeared and had been following coverage of the search keenly, even attending Search rallies and buying search memobrabilia. However, it never dawned on any of them that they were the missing Expats that everyone was looking for. One of the missing Expats had incredibly joined in the protests of Canadians against the search."
The "big break" in the case, said Callahan, had been to get the names, and the home and work addresses of the Expats. "Having this information, we easily located the Expats."
Asked why none of the Toronto, Canada Expats suspected, for a second, that they were being looked for, Callahan said that the Expats were all from Scarborough, "which is part of the Toronto Metro area, but sometimes likes to think of itself as its own city."
Karl Malden, head of the International Expeditionary Force searching for the Expats, said he had practically forgotten about the missing Expats, but said "it must be nice" that they were found.
Dwight Eisenhower, discredited former commander of the IEF, said that he had thought of getting the names and addresses of the missing Expats, but had been prevented "by entrenched and reactionary factions within the IEF."
"Big" Bobby Clubber, one the missing Expats, said he was disappointed to be found and wanted to return to his "drunken stupour and state of suspended animation."
Shirley Copps said, "It is a thrill to be located and to realize that
we had, all this time, been the ones that we were looking for!"
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