Sexpats' Departure from WCE "A Mystery": Archduke Harry Moore

Wuxi China Expatdom,  Saturday March 30
       
      - Expatdom officials have confirmed media reports of a large-scale exodus of sexpats, from
the Wuxi environs.  It is believed that fewer than two sexpats remain within the entire region, a government spokesperson said.

       - Archduke Harry Moore, the well-known gadfly who was leading a chorus of anti-sexpatism
only a few days ago, is unable to explain the phenomenon.
"I don't understand it at all", he mused.  "Neither the Task Force nor any law-enforcement officers
had time to begin investigations at all. Nobody even identified any practicing-sexpats. But, it seems that sometime overnight, they've all packed-up and left, of their own accord", said Moore. "They obviously preferred to be somewhere else", he said.

        - "We can all relax now", he sighed, "and return to wholesome Expat pursuits such as surfing,
dining-out at KFC, and, firing ten thousand rounds of ammo before breakfast each morning!".

Andis Kaulins Warmly Welcomes Marxists with Guns, at Civic Reception

War on Immoral Behaviours Enters Third Day: Sexpats Mobilise Their Armoured Columns

Archduke's Tough Anti-sexpat Crackdown Earns Praise from Conservatives

Sexpats To Be Eradicated from Wuxi China Expatdom, Vows Archduke Harry Moore

   - Following the glorious achievements of Andis Kaulins in the WCE's Big Wave Surfing Classic,
Archduke Harry Moore has spent the past two days investigating reports of squalid, immoral, libidinous behaviour at Lake Taihu.
"I've deferred my return to the Expatdom", he said. "I'm amazed and shocked that we still seem to
harbour an infestation of immigrant sexpats. I thought that they were extinct, here in Wuxi!".

Archduke Moore has been conferring with chief law-enforcement officer DCI Harry Callahan, and
he said that flagrant breaches of the Expatdom's pure and wholesome place for nice people legislation appear to be taking place in downtown-Wuxi as well, according to a distraught and angry Archduke Moore.

"However", he warned, "both myself and a specially-formed Vice Squad, armed with the latest in
Sexpat-detectors,  that is, electronic, and sniffer-dogs, -  are about to swoop. By the end of this month, Sexpats will be only a distant, faded memory here in Wuxi", Moore said.

"We'll clean-up here at Taihu, for a start, - 'boys, take that phony artist direct to the WCE International airport and deport him within the hour' ", he barked.

- Official sources are not revealing further details at this time, however one spokesperson said that
Archduke Moore's War on Sexpats is expected to include "swift, sharp, and blunt, Draconian methods", and, the use of drones has not been ruled-out.

Experts: Andis Kaulins of Taihu Big Wave Is Really A Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonator

In an announcement that is sure to not at all be controversial, Donald Kagan, Professor of the Classics and Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation Department at Yale University, announced that the Andis Kaulins of Big Wave is surely an impostor and that there was a 99.999999 percent chance that the figure said to be Andis Kaulins was in fact an Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonator.

Kagan said he was immediately suspicious of the Andis Kaulins of Big Wave for two reasons. “When I, like billions of others, saw the alleged Andis Kaulins conquer that 200 meter wave at Taihu, it struck me as strange that this person was doing something that only Archduke Sir Harry Moore could do.” said Kagan who was interviewed on Wuxi China Expatdom This Morning, a popular morning television show. “Also being an avid reader of the Andis Kaulins in China blog, I am well acquainted with the way the English teacher blogger lives 24-7. He lives in a district of Wuxi that is far from Taihu. It would take him ninety minutes to get to the Taihu Beach by bus. I know he is too parsimonious to take a taxi to get anywhere in Wuxi. I am also very familiar with his biography. Andis is of Latvian heritage living in Canada – two strikes against him ever having any surfing ability. The only wave he has ever saw, were from all the runners coming ahead him in the high school 1500 meter race he ran where he came in last place. It just stands to reason that the so-called Andis Kaulins of Big Wave is an Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonator.”

Asked if perhaps the so-called Andis Kaulins of Big Wave was perhaps Archduke Sir Harry Moore himself, Kagan said he had evidence that it wasn't. “The story circulating that Archduke Sir Harry Moore was filling in as a lifeguard for Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges is true. We have taken blood samples, urine samples, and samples of gorgeously tousled locks of black hair from the life guard Harry Moore and the lab has told us that Archduke Sir Harry Moore was in fact life-guarding that day.” Off the record, Kagan told media people that now that he had locks of Archduke Sir Harry Moore hair, he would be able to retire once he sold them. “Locks of the Archduke's hair would fetch a million dollars per one part per million on the black market.”

Asked if the Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonator who conquered the 200 meter wave was in fact Andis Kaulins, Professor Kagan had a good chortle.

Asked if he had any idea who in fact was the person who conquered the 200 meter wave, Kagan said he had no idea. “All we know for sure is that is wasn't Archduke Sir Harry Moore or the blogger English teacher Andis Kaulins. It could be anyone. But studying the phenomenon of Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation and being very familiar with Greek and Roman mythology, I can testify that there is something about becoming an Archduke Sir Harry Moore impersonator that makes an average person achieve things greater than anything Zeus or Hercules were said to have done!”

NASA: Film of Winning Taihu Surf Ride to be Placed in Mars Rover Vehicle = Andis Kaulins Will be First Human Seen by Extraterrestials

Over 2 Million more Andis Kaulins's On Earth After Big-Wave Surf Epic; Didn't Get His Hair Wet

Lake Taihu, Wuxi Monday March 24

        - The Wuxi China Expatdom's Big Wave Surfing classic has been won,
as everyone anticipated, by Andis Kaulins after his death-defying ride this morning.
A crowd of around 1 billion observers and fans lined the Lake's shores to witness the epic achievement, whilst pictures were beamed live to every television network in the world, adding another 5 billion to the spectators.

        - There was some last-minute tension when an unseeded surfer, Monty "JP" Fassbinder
surfed a wave measuring 60 metres.  Onlookers held their breath as Andis Kaulins responded by surfing the largest wave ever surfed, or seen, or photographed - a towering monster estimated at some 300 metres in height.

       - Car-makers and computer manufacturers have announced new limited edition productions, bearing the sealed initials, 'AK', whilst fast-food giants are trampling over each other to christen their new meals after the Wuxi-based surfer.

      - Archduke Harry Moore has not been available for comment as yet as he is still shepherding and shoo-ing hordes of fans, either swimming or in passenger liners, away from Andis Kaulins on Lake Taihu.
The pair are expected to take at least another six hours to make any progress back to the Lihu
podium, where Gorzo the Mighty will present Andis Kaulins with a hundred million dollars, as well as the priceless gold Baton of Jiangsu.

     - Within minutes of the what experts are calling the Surf of All Human History, parents around the world, from Dar es Salaam to Finland, rushed to christen their their newborns 'Andis Kaulins'. UN officials said that on the current naming-rates, by the end of this week there will be over 33 million new babies named Andis Kaulins in the world.

Further projections place the figure at around 1.8 billion within the next two years, at which time there will be more people named Andis Kaulins than any others in global history.

Black American Wuxi Expats Are Participating in the Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation Craze

Black Wuxi Expats are participating in a big way in the Archduke Sir Harry impersonation craze that is taking place in all parts, including the colonies, of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

That the craze would be taken up by Black Wuxi Expats would seem amazing to some, but not to WCEAACP President Moorfield Storey, an English Teacher at Front Page English in Meicun, who says that the Archduke's personal story is not just an inspiration to white Australians and Wuxi Expats but to people all over the world regardless of the the hue of their skin or their gender.

Said Moorfield to WCE Blogspot: “The Archduke is brother. In fact, I think he is more of a brother than Presidents Clinton or Obama. Who can not be inspired by his overcoming of a hand to mouth impoverished existence when growing up in the slums and barrios of Melbourne, where he was subject to cruel persecution and discrimination because of his godlike qualities and basic human decency? Who cannot be inspired by his unselfish personal leadership in combating the cruel segregation, slavery, and apartheid policies of the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor? Moore and the blogger Andis Kaulins were the only figures who stood up against this barbarity, at a tremendous cost to their personal safety. The Archduke still has be wary of assassination attempts to this day from forces of hate and jealousy. Currently, the number of assassination attempts he has had to dodge is over thirty thousand. Andis Kaulins has been forced into exile in a far flung suburb of Wuxi called Hui Shan, where he is safe from assassins because none of them know where he lives. But that is another story. The point is Archduke Sir Harry Moore has many noble qualities and is worthy of impersonation by the brothers of the WCEAACP who live in the WCE Hood!”

Moorfield, who made himself to look like a combination of the boxer Sugar Ray Robinson and the Archduke, said he was always impressed by the Archduke's athleticism. “The way the Archduke dances during one of his movie lectures reminds me of Sugar Ray in the ring.”

Accompanying Moorfield, to media interviews, were five other black Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonators: William English Walling, John E. Milholland, Oswald Garrison Villard, Frances Blascoer, and Dr. W. E. B. Du Bois.

Walling, looking a lot like the famous trumpeter Louis Armstrong, said he admired the Archduke for his artistry and personality. “It's a wonderful world thanks to the Archduke!” said Walling.

Milholland, looking a combination of the Archduke and Sammy Davis Jr., told the WCE blog that he was always a fan from “way back” of the Archduke. “I was in Vegas when the Archduke and Sammy and Frank and Dean were pals about the town. Those were the days.” said Milholland.

Villard, looking more like the Comedian Sinbad than the Archduke, said the Archduke Harry Moore is one of the most laid back fellows you would ever meet. “Harry always has a smile on his face and at least fifteen jokes to tell you! I can't help but chortle when I when around him.”

Blascoer, looking like the great economist Thomas Sowell, said he has always been inspired by Archduke Moore's libertarian instincts and his uncommon common sense. “Like the economist Sowell, Moore is interested in results and not just the intentions of some economic or political policy. He wants to make the life of every man better in real life and not just in the abstract. If only Moore or Sowell were the president of the United States right now, it would be a very wonderful world!” said Blascoer.

Dubois, bearing a great resemblance to the Civil Rights Leader Martin Luther King, told blogger Andrew Cowlinch, that he admired the Archduke's amazing oratorical abilities. “In the eleven-year period between during the reign of the Ayatollah of Mordor, Archduke Moore traveled over six million miles and spoke over twenty-five hundred times, appearing wherever there was injustice, protest, and action; and meanwhile he wrote five books as well as numerous articles. In these years, he led a massive protest in Wuxi, China, that caught the attention of the entire world, providing what he called a coalition of conscience... And inspiring his "Letter from a Wuxi China Expatdom Jail", a manifesto of the Negro revolution; he planned the drives in Meicun for the registration of Negroes as voters; he directed the peaceful march on the WCE parliament, of 250,000,000 people to whom he delivered his address, "l Like David Lean Movies", he conferred with President Ronald Reagan and campaigned for Sarah Palin; he was arrested upwards of twenty thousand times and assaulted at least ten thousands times; he was awarded five honorary degrees; was named Man of the Year by Guns & Ammo magazine in 2013; and became not only the symbolic leader of Wuxi Expat blacks but also a world figure. And when it comes to speaking, Archduke Sir Harry Moore is a master of oratory, rhythm, cadence, and a whole lot more.”

Professor Donald Kagan, head of the Classics & Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonation Department at Yale University, told the WCE Blog that he was impressed by the quality of the Harry Moore Impersonations done by the black Wuxi Expats. “While none of WCEAACP HM impersonations has been able to capture the complete essence of the Archduke, they have done more than any other HM impersonators to capture his magnificent physicality, his sheer gracefulness of movement, the wonderful cadences of his speaking, his stress-relieving ability to make one chortle, and the slap-in-the-face-and-tear-down-the-hubris-of-left-wing-sillinessing of his intellect.”

News that Andis Kaulins will Surf Big Wave at 4 pm Prompts World's Longest Spontaneous Congas

                                                           
                                                            "  Ole Ole,  Ole Ole,
                                                                Ole Ole,  Ole Ole,
                                                                AK AK,  AK AK,
                                                                AK AK,  AK AK,
                                                               

                                                        Feelin' HOT HOT HOT!   "

Archduke Moore Appointed Deputy Taihu Lifeguard in Absence of Admiral Lloyd Bridges

Lake Taihu, Monday March 18

     - With the much-anticipated arrival of Andis Kaulins at the WCE Big Wave Surfing Pro Am, Archduke Harry Moore has been appointed to fulfill the crucial role of surfing lifeguard, and, personal bodyguard to Andis Kaulins.

     - Admiral Lloyd Bridges spent several weeks putting the Archduke through a diver's bootcamp, involving dawn-to-dusk training.  The deputisation was necessary as Admiral Bridges and the WCE Royal Navy are currently absent, on active service. Before leaving, Admiral Bridges said that he was taking the mighty battlewagon Fred Astaire, to an "undisclosed location".

        - Bridges refused to provide further details, apart from explaining that the WCE Navy has been deployed to the Black Sea, on a DefCon 5 status. "Sorry fellas", said the Admiral, "I can't tell you anything about a classified deployment. Well, all I'll say is that we'll be there to keep an eye on some guy named 'Vlad', who is apparently rattling some clunky old Russian sabre right now".

        - At Lake Taihu, Archduke Moore is eager and excited to be placed on duty as the official
guardian of surfing activities.  "Yes, I sure am", he said.  "But I'm only here for Andis Kaulins.
Admiral Bridges has trained me in all aspects of sea rescue. Naturally I do not expect that Andis Kaulins will find himself in any difficulties amongst the huge waves of Lake Taihu.

           - "However", he continued, "should any danger threaten Andis, I will instantly go to his aid. Whether he is threatened by sharks, krakens, jellyfish, or drunken Suzhou Sexpats, I'll protect Andis with my own life and limb.

"It is of no consequence, whatsoever, to me if a shark rips my arms off - I'll still be more than capable of preventing any harm befall Andis Kaulins. I'll just use my legs, or my own teeth, to defend him from dangerous beasts.  Andis Kaulins is inviolate, in my book", said the Archduke, with his characteristic modest
selflessness.

Laird Hamilton Interview Bombshell: "I'm Outta Here!"

         
     (Note: Interview video incorrectly titled)
Laird Hamilton, arch-rival to Andis Kaulins in the Taihu Big Wave Pro Am, has shocked the planet
in an interview recorded only  minutes ago. Speaking to the Wuxi China Expatdom's charming television presenter, Tiffany Paige, Hamilton indicated that he is unlikely to continue in this weekend's competition.

- Archduke Harry Moore was present at the interviw, which enabled him to make a first-person assessment of Hamilton's stunning news. Moore, the Expatdom's consultant-raconteur, and
 GKA (general know-all), said:-  "Laird speaks in a subtext in this conversation. What he says, is NOT what he means".

- Archduke Moore, an experienced interpreter of body-language and semiotics, also holds
qualifications in:-
- psychology, sociology, phenology, sitology, pteradactylology, gynaecology, anthropology, gastroenterology, expatology, as well as apology,  gave this explanation:-

"I was standing quite close to Laird. His posture, voice-tone, and metaphors, tell a different story than what is heard here. He stated that he is "very worried", was looking for his friends, and expressed a desire to go hunting for plastic.

"It was clear from his rolling eye movements and pronounced nervous chortling that Laird has no stomach for tackling any big waves at Lake Taihu, nor sparring with Andis Kaulins. Laird makes it quite obvious. Pressed for his tips in this weekend's competition, Laird could only stammer 'I have to take care of myself '.

- "In short, I'd say that Andis Kaulins may romp it in now, in the absence of any genuine competition."

- Wuxi Big Wave organisers are currently meeting behind closed doors, and, although Andis Kaulins may have Lake Taihu to himself, Expats are anticipating a spectacular display from the local-favourite English Teacher after weather experts forecast mammoth swells of around 120 feet at Taihu in the next 12 hours.

Lake Taihu Report:- Andis Kaulins Stuns, Mesmerises; Suzhou Expats "Not Happy"

Lake Taihu, Thursday. Archduke Harry Moore reports:-

 - The once-tranquil waters and shores of Lake Taihu were inundated by some 35 million Wuxi Expats today, eager to catch a glimpse of the Expatdom's monster-wave tamer, Andis Kaulins.

The tanned, muscular and super-fit Wuxi English Teacher didn't disappoint.  With the Lake fetching waves as tall as the Alps, conditions were ideal for this, the first shoot-out between Kaulins, and the Hawaii-based Laird Hamilton.

- In a strange twist, Suzhou Expats have decided to 'adopt' Hamilton as their own, and their fans - around 1 million weak, swelled the vantage points to bursting point.
Inevitably, cat-calls and taunts between the rival fans led to scuffles, however the Wuxi Expatdom's DCI Harry Callahan cuffed the Suzhou offenders, kicked their asses,
and peace returned.

- Andis Kaulins elected to pusue the inshore breaks, in contrast to Hamilton, content to wait
astride his board some 20 kilometres offshore.

Leaping onto a towering wave which I estimated to be as tall as a seven-storey building, Andis flew into his first qualifying run.

 - Huge rooster tails of water rose into the air with every turn and cutback as Andis slashed and ripped, now tucking into the power pocket, now skating out of the shoulder to dig in for a turn.  His manoeuvres were quick, powerful and seemingly executed at-will, as this tall Canadian animal with cat-like reflexes, and feet, seemed to utterly dominate the waves.

Unlike Laird Hamilton whose strategy was to set up for a wave and wait to react to its movement, Andis seemed to throw himself into a manoeuvre before the wave had barely developed a shape. He then extracted an amazing amount of speed and energy from the face of the towering liquid mountains.

The massive crowd rose as one, open-mouthed and awestruck at this incandescent display delivered with Andis Kaulins' customary dash, coolness and dexterity.

- Now the question on every Expat's quivering lips is, can Laird pull the proverbial  bunny-rabbit out of his bag?

Andis Kaulins Maintains Punishing Training Regimen; First Encounter with Laird Hamilton in Heats, this Afternoon

Andis Kaulins Bares His Soul; The Archduke Harry Moore Interview

  As the countdown to the Lake Taihu Big Wave Pro Am Sufing Event ticks by, Andis Kaulins graciously consented to a warts-and-all interview with Archduke Harry Moore.

Moore:  Good morning, Andis, thank you so much for sparing me, and the Expatdom's 22 million readers,
             some of your precious time to come in and talk.
Kaulins:  s'nothing

Moore: If I may be a little presumptuous here, could we dispense with our formal titles in this interview?
            That is, no "Archdukeness", nor 'Sir Andis', etc, . Are you comfortable with that, Andis?
Kaulins: Sure!  Actually, I'd be even more comfortable if you'd come around this side of the desk
             and sit beside me.
Moore: (glances around nervously). Uhh, well I'd better stay here for now as I need to refer to your                           biographical notes, and other prepared questions I have here.
Kaulins: No problemo.

Moore: Andis, something that both I, and many Expats have been curious about is that you've achieved
            every major award for big-wave surfing on Earth, yet, you are a native-son of Canada. It is just
            that we don't usually associate Canada with beaches, and surfing.?
Kaulins:  Thats a common misconception, Harry. Growing up in Canada, I never had any difficulty
              finding a place to hang-ten. I made my first board when I was 9, and, went on to
              collect the laurels in the Calgary Pipeline, when I was 18.
Moore:  Tell me, which is your favourite sufing location? I'd presume you'd nominate Waimea Bay,
              Makahaha, or Tekapo, as well as Lake Taihu of course?
Kaulins:  All of those. And, as you'd know, I've always done well at championships on the Vistula,
              the Danube, and in the Xihui Park lake. Harry, could you spare me a Nanjing Hong, please?
Moore: Sure. (Andis Kaulins takes the cigarette pack). Remarkable.  I have an image of the well-known,                 and, some would say 'notorious' surfing counterculture. Did you, earlier in your professional career                 ever have a flirataion with that lifestyle?
Kaulins:  Oh, no way, Jose'!   I never bleached my hair.
Moore:  Drugs?
Kaulins:  (blushes) I have to confess that I sometimes take a couple of aspirin.

Moore: Another feature of the pro-surfing circuit is the large number of lithe, beautiful, curvaceous,
            and desirable women that follow the big-names around. Have you ever suffered their unwanted                     attentions?
Kaulins:  Suffered?  Heck no! I quite enjoyed them!
Moore: Could you elucidate?
Kaulins: There's no formula for happiness, that's guaranteed to work. It all depends on how you treat your                   friends, and how much you've been hurt. But it's a start, when you open up your heart.
Moore: That's a wonderful answer!
Kaulins: (chortles) No, it was a wonderful question. Can you spare me a Marlboro, please, Harry?
Moore: What has everyone, both here and around the globe, in suspense is how you intend to handle your
             rival, Laird Hamilton, this weekend. But is he, in fact, your 'rival'?
Kaulins:  Not exactly. Pretender to the throne, would be more accurate.
Moore:  Both you and Laird are North Americans, and superb specimens of masculinity. One magazine
            described it as 'muscular Christianity'.  Could there be some mutual, professional respect there?  For              example, after a big-wave competition, when you're both in the showers, is there any playful banter,              or, hehehe, towel-flicking each other's butts, perhaps? (chortles)
Kaulins: No, you see, -  there's no dreamer who's ever dreamed, and seen it all come true. Takes a lot of                   time and breaks a lot of hearts, to see an idea through. Got any Chungwa's on you?
Moore:  (take the pack, AK)   So, maybe there IS a grudging admiration there, between you two?
Kaulins: Love's just a simple word, it's truth is eas'ly lost. And sorry's said so easily, nobody
             counts the cost. Give your love to others, they become your bro-o-other. You open up your heart.
Moore: (fumbles, and fidgets with pen)  Sublime eloquence there, Andis.
Kaulins: You can say that again!
Moore: Sublime....  Ahh,  well, I'd better let you get back to your gruelling training regime. Unless there
             is anything else you want to say to the Wuxi Expats, before the fierce contest at Taihu?
Kaulins: Not really, except that you open up your heart, come on, make a start. Try not to hide,
             what you feel insi-i-de - just open up your heart. There's no formula for happiness, that's guaranteed
             to work.
Moore: Thank-you so very much again, Andis, and good-luck for Saturday!
Kaulins: The pleasure was mine. Oh, Harry, would you have any Lucky Strikes on you?
                                        #                       #                               #
           

Taihu Big Wave Surfing Contest - Female Fans, Laird Hamilton, and World's Sports Media arrive in Wuxi

        Tomorrow:  Andis Kaulins reveals all.  In an exclusive interview with Archduke Harry
Moore, Sir Andis Kaulins expounds on life, love and music, his rejection of the surfing
counterculture, and, how he intends to dispose of Laird Hamilton in this weekend's surfing classic.

Andis Kaulins, Surfer:- Wuxi Expats Voice Their Praise to the International Media

Overseas Competitors begin Arriving for Taihu Big Wave Pro Am 2014

Wuxi, China Awash With Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonators

The Wuxi China Expatdom is currently awash in Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonators. Rich Little, the WCE Minister in charge of Wuxi Expat Celebrity Impersonator Registration, told WCE Blogspot that are currently 4,567,890 Archduke Sir Harry Moore Impersonators registered with his ministry. Blogger Andrew Cowlinch estimates that there are over six million ASHM impersonators if you count the black market unregistered ASHM impersonator market.

Why so many impersonators? Professor Johannes Aaron Mimicryberg who occupies the Elvis Presley chair at the Harvard School of Impersonation says it stems from the multi-facitedness of the Archduke. “There is no impersonator alive who is able to encompass in himself or herself an impersonation that encapsulates the complex and multi-talented being of the Archduke. So impersonators have resorted to trying to imitate one of aspect of the Archduke. That is why there are so many AHSM impersonators and no two seem to be alike!”

Some of the ASHM impersonators have tried to form groups. The most ambitious one is most certainly the one formed by the North Korean military. “Besides wanting to build a nuclear bomb, the North Koreans have wanted to have an accurate Harry Moore Impersonation.” says Military Historian and Expert John Keegan. “That's is why there are staging incredible military parades in Pyongyang. They want to impersonate the Archduke's incredible personal virility!”

Another reason for the number of AHSM impersonators is the revenue. “The only thing with growth potential in this slow word economic time, is Harry Moore Impersonation!” says former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan.

Archduke Sir Harry Moore refused to answer questions about the amount of people trying to impersonating him. Sources close to the Archduke have said that Sir Harry looks at the efforts to impersonate him with compassionate amusement.

Wuxi China Expat Archduke To Go On World Shower Tour

As a result of the great Wuxi Shower Ticket Crisis, Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore is going on a world shower tour. He will be taking showers in public at the biggest venues in the biggest cities in the world.

The Archduke made the dramatic announcement at the Hui Shan District Convention Center before an emotional crowd of journalists and members of the general public, many of whom cried tears of joy after as soon as the full import of what the Archduke announced was comprehended.

“I do this because that is what the world wants!” said the genial archduke whose presence reeked of a knightly virility last seen during the time of the medieval knights. As he brushed back the dark raven locks of glimmering and tousled black hair that had fallen into his intense and yet saintly eyes, women at the press conference fainted. The women were revived by Moore's compassionate concern for their welfare as he interrupted his announcement to inquire if they had been hurt.

Asked by the one jaded member of the media if he was pursuing filthy lucre, Moore earned the swooning admiration of the males in the audience with his Dirty Harry like response to the charges. “Look here punk. If you could take off your clothes and help the poor, you would too, wouldn't you? And I will be doing it with my friends Moen and Speakman!” Chastised by the Archduke, the media man prostrated himself and asked for the Archduke's forgiveness. With the grace of the finest of the aristocracy, the Archduke complimented the media man for the toughness of his question and for his courage in asking it.

Moore then announced that all the proceeds from the tour would be going to the Archduke Sir Harry Moore Honorary Fund and Charity for All the Poor and Unfortunate People of the World (the ASHMHFCAPUP). “ ASHMHFCAPUP is not run by me, but my good friend Andis Kaulins, that is the Andis Kaulins who is the head of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, not the Andis Kaulins who is an English teacher. The latter Andis Kaulins is infamous for his parsimoniousness!” added the Archduke.

At the end of the press conference, the media members all wanted to start a celebratory conga line but were prevented by the chastisement of the Archduke. “I may not be a member of a media, but isn't it your job to just report the news, not to celebrate it!” asked the archduke. The media members quickly began to behave in a more professional manner.

World wide reaction to the shower tour announcement was completely positive. At the Vatican, Pope Frances told media that the tour was sure to be a blessed event. “Archduke Sir Harry Moore does more than clean his body when he takes a shower!” said the earthly representative of Christ's church. “He also cleanses his soul! I am sure that his public showers like his wonderful film lectures will be very educational and informative! I look forward to watching the Archduke take a shower in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican, and I hope he will let him do a special mass before he begins!”

Dates and locations for the Archduke Sir Harry Moore World Shower Tour will be announced in the next few weeks.

One Hundred Million People, around the World, Fall for Wuxi China Shower Scam

Scam artists, saying they were selling tickets to see Wuxi Expat Archduke Sir Harry Moore take a shower live at the Wuxi Worker's Stadium, managed to sell four hundred million fake tickets before their scam was discovered on Monday evening.

People from all walks of life, from simple housewives to world leaders to religious leaders to movie stars to industry leaders to philosophers to fans of the Archduke Sir Harry Moore, were taken in by the scam which had only been on the Internet for ten minutes before it was discovered.

Because so many people had been taken in and had paid money for the chance to see the Wuxi Expat Archduke take a shower in a stall which they had believed was going to be placed in the center of the Wuxi Worker's Stadium, there was no end of people, for journalists to interview, who were willing to tell their reasons for being taken in.

Mildred Malone, a housewife from Akron, Ohio, told the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog that she had been a fan of the Archduke since he saw him give a film lecture in nearby Cleveland. “Since being able to witness the Archduke's oration live, I have been completely fascinated by everything and anything about the Wuxi Expat Archduke. I want to know his thoughts, his diet, his thoughts on love, and of course his personal hygiene habits! I also hope that I could get my husband Stanley to be like the Archduke!”

Spokesmen for U.S. President Barack Obama said that he had ordered the Democratic National Committee to buy every citizen and illegal alien in the United States tickets for the supposed event. “It is all part of our effort to distract the electorate from the trouble we have been having with Obamacare!” said Obama's press secretary Jay Carney. Carney blamed the Republicans in the congress for blocking the purchase.

Many people bought tickets out of professional interest. Shower head salesman Del Griffith told the WCE Blog that he heard that the Archduke was using state of the art shower technology such as the H2Okinetic® technology which was the product of an intensive study of water in motion, and the Brizo Custom Shower Systems which were the first to bring the revolutionary technology to market. “By controlling water’s shape, velocity and thermal dynamics, they’ve reinvented the showering experience—creating a warmer, more luxurious shower experience that blankets the body while using less water.” said Griffith. Glenda Passion, a female exotic dancer, who says she takes a shower during her performances, told the WCE Blog that she wanted to see if the Archduke had a pole in his shower as had been reported in the Wuxi Expat Enquirer, the Expatdom's number one scandal sheet.

Some bought tickets out of curiosity. Duston Short, from Ontario, Canada told the WCE Blog that people “from around where he lived” didn't take showers or baths, and after having told “so many times” that he should, his curiosity was piqued. “I want to know like taking a shower is all about. Perhaps, there are like some benefits like everyone like tells me!” said Short, an English teacher who wasn't sure what school he was “teaching at now.”

Some of the curiosity was very prurient. “I want to see the Archduke's whatyoucallit. I want to see if his darlingly delicious wife Mrs. Miss Moneypenny takes a shower with him or at least scrubs his back!” said Konstantinos Karamanlis, an English teacher at All Natural Naked English School and patron of the Pink Kitty Pub.

Some said they wanted to see the Archduke shower for creative inspiration. Alfred Lord McCluskey, Poet Laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom, told Colonel Charlie of the WCE Blog that he hadn't written a good ode in a long time, the muse seemingly having abandoned him. “Forsooth, the muse would be found lurking in the glinty green grasses of the Wuxi Worker's Stadium where his magnificence, the angel of hope to hundreds of dry whittered souls, cleaned himself in a shaft of the purest and cleanest ambrosia-like water piped from the winding Yangtze river or from the translucent effervescence of Lake Taihu where the Kraken doth dwell!” said the poet laureate in a sonorous manner. Mickey Angelo, a Wuxi Expat sculptor, told the WCE Blog, that he wanted to do a modern version of the Statue of David. “Who would have been a better model that the Archduke?” asked Angelo.

Steve Pinker, a Canadian experimental psychologist, cognitive scientist, linguist, popular science author, Harvard College Professor, the Johnstone Family Professor in the Department of Psychology at Harvard University, known for his advocacy of evolutionary psychology and the computational theory of mind, said he had purchased twenty tickets. “I sure that the sight of the Archduke taking a shower would have proved beyond a doubt that my thesis advanced in my book The Better Angels of Our Nature!”

The Archduke, when hearing of the scam, told the Wuxi Expat Blog that he was full of thoughts of the unacceptableness of the scam. “My heart goes out to all the pour souls taken in by this scam. I pray that they get their money back!” said the Archduke who was doing charity work when he heard the news. He also admitted that he was flattered in the interest in his showering techniques. “Nothing in my life could possibly surpass the fun of posing for the Poolside Harry Moore Picture Book and its incredible reception which saw every person on the earth owning at least five copies of it. The fact that so many people want to see little old me take a shower is nearly as flattering.”

Asked if he would seriously consider the possibility of actually taking a shower before hundred of thousands of adoring admirers, Archduke Harry, with a blink of his eye and then a glint of his eye, said “I will do whatever it takes to help the charities I ardently support!”