Defeated French President Nicolas Sarkozy Says He's Moving to The Wuxi China Expatdom!

At his first Press Conference held after having lost the Presidential Election to François Hollande, Nicolas Sarkozy shocked the assembled members of the media by taking off his clothes and announcing that he was heading to "De Wuxi Expatdom."

"Now that de France is being run by de Socialists, my countree will become more of the asshole, so I am going to take my popsicle stand to de Wuxi China Expatdom!  I know that they gots de good King there!  Gorzo is magnificent!  He is better than Napoleon or Charles De Gualle!  I also  want to meet monsieur Harry Moore and his belle madame wife Miss Moneypenny!  I must know what Monsieur Moore thinks of Jerry Lewis!  I think he is a genius myself and yet I never hear Monsieur Moore talk about them Lewis movies!  I also like de Naturism that they got there!  I really hate to wear da chemise and de pantalons!  In de WCE, I'll be able to undress as I please!"  said Sarkozy, who looked like a man with a tremendous weight lifted off his shoulders.

Asked by a reporter from the Economist if he was worried about having to deal with smart alecky Wuxi Expats, like the English Teacher Andis Kaulins, saying he had lost an election to a Hollandaise sauce which was an emulsion of egg yolk and butter, usually seasoned with lemon juice, salt, and a little white pepper or cayenne pepper so that in appearance it was light yellow and opaque, smooth and creamy with a  flavor that was rich and buttery, with a mild tang added by an acidic component such as lemon juice, yet not so strong as to overpower mildly-flavored foods, Sarkozy said he wasn't planning on becoming an English Teacher and was going to hang out with Elite Expats.  "No smart aleck merdes among those guys!" said Sarkozy.

Sarkozy, after being questioned by a reporter from People Magazine, then told the press conference that his wife Carla Bruni also wanted to go the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "She is a very excited by de camel riding and mountain climbing in de Wuxi Expatdom!  She also wants to see da wives of Mango and King Gorzo:  Wonder Woman and Ayria: da one that was chosen!"

Wuxi Expat Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion and Confidante to U.S. Vice President Joe Biden, the currently unemployed Duston Short told the WCE Blog that he eagerly awaited the arrival of Sarkozy in the WCE.  "When I was in High School, I lost an election for a seat on the student council to a bottle of Heinz's Ketchup.  So I can sympathize with a guy that lost to a sauce!  Ketchup is Tomato Sauce when you think about it!" said Short.

World's Largest Camel Riding Park Opens in The Wuxi China Expatdom

Wuxi Expats can now go Camel Riding!  Thanks to The TE Lawrence Memorial Camel Riding Park which is now open in the Dong Ting District of Wuxi, China.

With over 80,000 square kilometers of desert, the TELMCRP is the best place in the world, outside of the Middle East and the African Sahara, for hump-back riding enthusiasts.

Manager of the Park, Joe Camel, a smoker and self-professed "hump-rider," told the WCE Blog that there is more going on the TELMCRP than just camel riding.  "Our park will also appeal to fans of TE Lawrence, fans of the films of the David Lean, Smokers, Water Dowser users and moderate Muslims.  We have a 40 screen state-of-the-art cinema showing David Lean's Lawrence of Arabia  twenty four hours a day, a TE Lawrence museum, a Prince Faisal Museum, authentic Arab guerrilla style fighters, an authentic replica of the Suez Canal, an authentic replica of Damascus circa 1917, Turkish Soldiers to massacre to one's desire, a state of the art cigarette factory making Camel Cigarettes, and over 50,000 underground Artesian and Evian water wells waiting to be discovered!" said Camel.

Asked about his stable of Camels, Manager Camel told the WCE Blog that he had about 100,000.  "We have 60,000 Dromedary Camels imported from the Middle East and North Africa; 30,000 Bactrian Camels from Mongolia and China; and 10,000 F1 Camels cross-bred between the Dromedary and the Bactrian.  We plan to bring in some other cross breeds including the F2 Dromedary and the F2.1 Bactrain!"

Camel told the WCE Blog that the grand opening of his park will take place on May 12.  "All the prominent leaders of the Middle East and North Africa, and his Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty will attend the opening ceremony.  After the ceremony, Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio will perform their unique fusion of Berber, Funk, Soul and Country music to warm the crowd into a frenzy for a lecture about the film Lawrence of Arabia to be delivered by the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, his Archdukeness, Harry Moore.  The first million people through the entrance gate that day will get a free carton of delicious and refreshingly effervescent Camel Cigarettes!"

Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada Organize Mayonnaise Festival to Celebrate Cinco De Mayo

Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada will be holding a Mayonnaise Festival at Li Hu Park on May 5th to celebrate Cinco De Mayo.

"We invite all Mexican, Latin-American, Spanish, Hispanic, Brazilian, Columbian and other similar nationalities residing in the Wuxi China Expatdom to attend this party in their honor!" said the Mayonnaise Festival organizer Bob Rae who is from Toronto.  "We appreciate how much Spanish types like mayonnaise on their food so we have flown in thousands of Jars of Hellman's Mayonnaise from Canada.  Festival attendees can use the mayonnaise on a wide variety of Wuxi local Food including Chicken's Feet, Mafa Tofu, Wuxi White Fish Sandwiches, McDonald's Breakfast Hot Dogs, Dico's Chicken Wraps, German Sauer Kraut, Pizza from Trattario Ferrara, Baozi, Austrian Meat Pies, Peaches and Wuxi Roast Duck!"

The Mayonnaise Festival will run from Sunrise to Sunset on May 5th.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Has a Thriving Counter Culture

The Meicun District of the Wuxi China Expatdom has become home to a thriving counter culture community.  Freaks, mountebanks and assorted oddballs, from the world over, have converged on the district to partake of the Wuxi China district's alternative music, ascetic naturism and counting practices.

Abbie Hoffman, a convicted felon turned Wuxi Expat, attributes the rise of the  Wuxi China Expatdom's counter culture to the one million percent GDP growth it has experienced in the last year.  "With its economy producing so much, so fast, there are a whole lot of things to count, man!" said Hoffman who tells the WCE Blog that he loves to count bridges and public toilets in Wuxi.

Jerry Garcia, a musician Expat from the USA, told the WCE Blog, that the counting songs, being played in the bars of Meicun's Haight Ashbury  bar street, were mind-blowing.  "I never heard the beers on the wall song before.  I saw a band start at a thousand beers on the wall and then count down.  It was totally awesome when they kept the crowd in suspense about how many beers they would take down off the wall!  Sometimes, it was one; sometimes, it was two; sometimes, it was five. It was way out CNCC machine groovy!"

Thanks to the counter culture, the Meicun District has become the part of the Wuxi China Expatdom that never sleeps as its patrons can be heard singing "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!" till sunrise.

Long established Wuxi Expats have joined in the counter culture: 

Wuxi Sexpats are said to be counting breasts on bar girls.  "So far, I have counted two on Cherry Soda!  Every time, it has been the same!  But I will keeping counting them just to make extra sure they haven't left!" says Sexpat John Hefner.  

Duston Short,  Midget Sumo Wrestling and Breakfast Hot Dog Eating Champion, is counting his fingers.  "I have to take off my shoes to do it!" says Short who says he is still confused about the order of numbers.  "I never know if five comes before eight or afterwards!"  Duston's brother Justin is counting his toes.  "To make it more of a challenge for myself, I am counting my toes with my eyes closed!" said Justin Short.  

Many Wuxi Expats are counting the number of copies they can find of the best-selling book The Poolside Harry Moore.  "So far I have counted 128,999,675!" says Hans Klinger, a member of the WCE Trio band.  

Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, is said to be counting his money.  "Only problem is my pockets are so deep, I find it hard to get down to the money!" said ET Kaulins.  

Archduke and Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore tells the WCE Blog that when he now counts the daisy petals he pulls as he contemplates the question of whether his wife Miss Moneypenny loves him a little or a whole lot.  "She loves me little; she loves me a lot; one; she loves me little; she loves lots, two.  That is how I do it now!" says Moore, his tousled hair shining sublimely in the mid-day Wuxi sun.

The commanders of the three arms of the Wuxi China Expatdom Armed Forces have embraced the counter culture as well.  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander, Admiral Lloyd Bridges is counting all his aircraft carriers and destroyers.  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Commander, Air Marshall Gregory Peck is counting all his fighter-jets, helicopters, heavy-bombers, light-bombers, gliders, Shopwith Camels and B-52s.  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander, General Colonel Harlan Sanders is counting his tanks, mortars and artillery pieces.

It is Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force Officer McNulty who is credited with starting the WCE counter-culture.  "His ability to dispense his personal and idiosyncratic brand of he-man, self-made, here's-how-you-do-it, divinely righteous, Good-Housekeeping-Seal-of-Approval-approved justice, while at the same time being able to keep count of the heads he has busted, is an inspiration to us all!" McNulty's commander Chief Inspector Harry Callahan.

President Of The Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association Defines The 'Concept Of Style'

Andis Kaulins, the President of the WCE's Elite Expat Association (WCEEEA), has given an address on the topic of "What Makes An Elite Expat Elite: - We are Not Of The Herd". Speaking at Xihui Park's mini-boat pond, President Kaulins told an enthralled crowd of Association members, and prospective members, that to be elite is "primarily a state of mind". "Speech, behaviours, deportment, etc, thus logically follow", he said. "For example", he said, "one refers to oneself as 'one'. One is never 'I', or 'me'. One can have conversations with others, and in so doing, one becomes recognised as being in the elite category". "Last night", he said, "one was in Gambays, sipping one's beverage, when a crass and intoxicated Expat spilt Tsingtao on one's bejewelled shoes. But one never displays one's anger - one merely draws one's verbal sword, cutting the scoundrel to pieces, with well-chosen elocution, expressing one's irritation." The Xihui Park attendees nodded as one, as they began to understand the President's concept. One man, Hans Klinger, posed a question. "President, Sir", asked Hans, "could you please tell us about style, and, how can I, err, I meant 'one', be more charismatic?". "Surely", replied President Kaulins. "Style is a matter of bearing. Fr'instance, no Elite simply 'walks', no, no, one 'carries' oneself with dash, elan, flair, lithsome agility, and panache. (Crowd-members frantically reached for their pocket-Oxfords). "As though skipping lightly over hot bricks, or gliding, in the manner of Fred Astaire. I can, for instance, travel from Chong-an to The Baseball Stadium, in a mere 3 minutes and 48 seconds", President Kaulins said. "Some have recently asked", the President continued, "- notably Harry Moore, about what is 'acceptable' in the Expatdom. Harry Moore thus revealed his bovine-commoner mentality, as a true-Elite would never need to pose such boorish questions". Prior to the conclusion of the Association's meeting, President Kaulins announced that the society would be staging a performance of "The Importance Of Being Earnest", and therefore a suitable candidate for the (pivotal) role of 'Lady Bracknell' would have to be chosen.

Wuxi China Expat Kindergarten Teacher Loves it When the Students Hit Him in the Crotch.

Lester McArthur, a Kindergarten teaching Wuxi Expat, says he loves it when his students hit him in the crotch or spank his butt.

"At first, I was like other teachers, and I hated it!  The kids thought it was the thing to do: to run at and hit or spank the foreign teacher in his intimate spots when his attention was elsewhere! !" said McArthur in an interview with Wuxi ESL. "I first to tried to find the guilty culprit after this happened and beat or twist their arm!"

"But I then learned to appreciate it, laugh at it and get off on it!  Now, I just play dumb and pretend to get really angry in a comical way!  What started out as being hit once or twice a class has turned into the entire class spanking me!  Oh!  How I love it!"

McArthur said he first hated teaching kids.  "But if I go back to my home country, they will put in handcuffs for something that was really a misunderstanding about a certain person's age!  So, I have forced myself to genuinely love it!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War Siege Site forced to relocate due to expiration of lease

Phase Two of the Wuxi China Expatdom 2012 Civil War has seen its siege battle forced to relocate due to the expiration of its lease at Wuxi's Three Kingdoms Park.

The commanders of the two factions, the allied WCEDVDAS forces and the WCEWCEDVDCWARS force, under a white flag of truce, announced at a joint press conference that their lease with the Three Kingdoms Park, the siege site, was to expire on April 30th.  "We have to be out of the Three Kingdoms by midnight April 30th because someone neglected to renew the lease. Who was responsible for this will be decided by an armed battle." said the Allied WCEDVDAS commander.  "I don't think it was our side.  After all we are the siegers not the besieged.  The enemy begs to differ, of course.  But we welcome the disagreement because there is nothing we like better than a good motivated clash!   The WCEWCEDVDCWARS will suffer for their mistake if we win!"  The WCEWCEDVDCWARS commander, when hearing the words, threatened to tear down the white flag and fight the Allied WCEDVDAS commander on the spot.  It was the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force (WCEIEF), the exclusive supplier of WCE Civil War 2012 merchandise, Karl Malden who was able to separate the commanders.

Malden, after separating the commanders, announced to the assembled press that the Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War Siege Battle would move to The Wuxi China Expatdom World Civil War Theme Park in the Hui Shan District.  "George Williams Brown, the manager of the WCEWCETP, says he has space for us to stage our siege battle.  However, we will have to cancel the battle's Stalingrad Siege theme and instead have both sides dress like the Blues and Greys who fought at the Siege of Vicksburg in 1863!  Brown insists on maintaining the civil war theme of his park -- the siege of Stalingrad was part of an international conflict."

The siege battle at Three Kingdoms, which had been made to resemble Stalingrad 1943, had been fought to a stalemate since March 16.  The predicted breakdown of the encircled WCEWCEDVDCWARS will have to wait till they and the allied WCEDVDAS forces have settled into their siege battle site at the WCEWCETP.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society and the Wuxi China Expatdom DVD Appreciation Society, who were enemies in Phase One of the WCE Civil War 2012, became allies when the Wuxi China Expatdom WCE Civil War Appreciation and Reenactment Society (WCEWCEDVDCWARS) was taking vital supplies from the two WCEDVDAS armies to stage reenactments of WCEDVDAS battles. The WCEDVDAS alliance marked the beginning of Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War 2012 Phase Two.

Wuxi Expats going crazy for Mulroney's Lemon Meragne Pies

Wuxi China Expatdomites are going crazy for the new Lemon Meragne Pies now available in Wuxi at Mulroney's Canadian Bakeries in Wuxi.   Many are dancing in the street to celebrate the introduction of lemon meragne pies, which are only 10 rmb with a small coffee, to the Mulroney's breakfast menu 

Friday morning, at the Mulroney's at the corner of Xueqian and Zhongshan Roads, ten thousand Wuxi Expats could be seen waiting in line to get the Canadian delicacy, which, more than being food, is seen a symbol of the human aspiration for dessert and decency.  Waiting to buy the lemon meragne pies, the Expats were in a jubilant mood as they formed a slowly moving and dancing conga line waiting to be served.  The fortunate Wuxi Expats who had places in front of the line and were able to buy and consume their lemon meragne pies first, could be afterwards seen performing the Prisyadaka dance arm-in-arm with those who had also finished their lemon meragne pies.

Many Expats, when asked about their jubilation, said it was great to get lemon meragne pies at very affordable price in Wuxi.  One Expat, Duston Short, the Midget Sumo Wrestling champion of the WCE, said he hadn't had a lemon meragne pie in years.   Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher who is not be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and  the Andis Kaulins is who the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, told the WCE Blog that he remembered there was a place serving  pies seven years in the WCE.  "Its menu started out with western-style pies but quickly evolved into unimaginable recipes appealing to local tastes before it finally went out of business.  Since then, the Wuxi China Expatdom has been a desert when it comes to lemon meragne pies.  I can understand the jubilation that long-time Wuxi Expats feel at seeing lemon meragne pies on the Mulroney's menu!" said ET Kaulins.

Other Expats said it was wonderful to see food, symbolic of the human aspiration for decency and dessert, being served in the Expatdom.  Wuxi China Expat philosopher Henri Raulston Hume told the WCE Blog that the lemon meragne pies were a "metaphysical revelation" to him and that he would order four lemon meragne pies the next time he went to Mulroney's.  

Shetland Ponies the Latest Wuxi Expat Status Symbol

Helper Monkeys are out; Shetland Ponies are in.  This is the latest style pronouncement from the Wuxi China Expatdom's foremost expert on the tastes the Wuxi China Expatdom Jet Set: Robin Sponge-Sycophant Leach, who made his pronouncement in an interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Esquire (WCEE) Blog.

Faster than lovers, in the throes of passion, taking off their clothes, elite Wuxi Expats are ditching their helper monkeys, their concubines, their Chinese driver licenses, their Chinese drivers, their cars and their Ipads 3; and buying Shetland Ponies.  One such elite Wuxi Expat, Clancy Montague, who had been commuting to Suzhou China Expatdom by car to get to the factory he manages, now rides his Shetland Pony there.  "It does take me an extra four hours a day to get to and from work, but the feeling of being like Sancho Panza really pleases me.  And you should see the look on the eyes of the locals!" says Montague.  "I am also going to buy some Shetland Ponies for my two children who study at the Suzhou International School.  I think I have been spoiling them by driving to pick up them on weekends!"

So popular have Shetland Ponies become that they now sell for one hundred million yuan each at the Wuxi China Expatdom Shetland Pony Shop next to Dangle's Participle Pub on Zhongshan Road near the #2 People's Hospital.  "Before this week, I was usually able to sell one Shetland Pony a week.  Now, I am selling twenty an hour!" said WCE Shetland Pony Shop owner Bill Sandalmaker.

The sudden popularity of Shetland Ponies has, of course, seen unscrupulous shop owners trying to sell fake Shetland Ponies.  One Wuxi Expat, Duston Short, paid one hundred thousand yuan for what turned out to be a stray dog wearing a horse suit.

The sudden unpopularity of Help Monkeys has also resulted in many Wuxi Expats becoming underemployed.  Previously, many Wuxi English Teachers had supplemented their meager teaching salaries by pretending to be Helper Monkeys in their free time.  One out-of-work English Teacher Helper Monkey Duston Short complained to the WCE Blog that the dimunitiveness and squatness of his body, was unfortunately, no asset when pretending to be a Shetland Pony.  "My legs are too short and so I can't be ridden as fast as a Shetland Pony!  I just have to hope that one day, the elite of the Wuxi China Expatdom decide Walruses are the thing to own!"

One Wuxi Expat, Andis Kaulins, the English teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, welcomes the change in taste of the Wuxi China Expatdom elites.  "I can now get Helper Monkeys cheap!   I have bought five of them to be companions to my son Tony!" said ET Kaulins.

U.S. Vice President Strikes Up Friendship with Wuxi Expat

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden tells the WCE Blog that he and Wuxi Expat Duston Short, the diminutive and squat sumo-wrestling English teacher, are now bosom buddies.  "Duston and I have a lot in common and have had similar experiences in life.  We like sticking our heads in toilet bowls, showing up late for work, calling in sick for work, eating lots and lots of food, taking incredibly random steps in illogic, and making pronouncements on things from a position of total ignorance." says Biden.

Biden says their friendship began when Short sent him a fan letter.  "Being Vice President isn't worth a peed-in bowl of corn flakes, as the expression goes.  It can be an incredibly lonely job so you can imagine my joy when Short sent me a letter.  I had something to do!  I put my body and soul into writing a reply.  President Obama was nice enough to let me use UPS to send Short a portfolio full of autographed photos of myself to Short.  Even better, the President let me use his official photographer and send to Short photos of me in Speedos!  Wow!  Short was a real fan I thought to request such a thing!  It has been years since someone wanted to see my body!  When Short sent a reply, it was the beginning of a long correspondence and our tight-as-rope friendship!  I had given up hope that there was someone on earth who shared my interests.  I thought I had been the only one to have problems with getting his head stuck in cupboards!  Short also respected my opinions on a whole range of issues.  When we had our first video skype call, I was truly amazed to see him listen to me without his eyes glazing over or getting this expression on his face that everyone else gets when I talk to them -- I have been trying a lot during my vice-presidency to imitate this look others get -- my vice president's office has a nice mirror.  I finally got the expression down pat when I sat on a cucumber!  Anyway!  Pretty soon, we will be together in person, side-by-side like Sonny and Cher, Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Nixon and Agnew, and Simon and Garfunkel.   President Obama has given me permission to spend the entire Election Campaign hanging out with Short in the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Biden also tells the WCE Blog that he secretly hopes that he and Obama lose the Presidential election.  "I want desperately to hang with Duston Short, going from teaching job to teaching job in Wuxi, eating hot dogs and wearing split-ass pants!  The only problem is that President Obama says he has dibs on living in the WCE if we do lost the election!"

Wuxi Expat Extremely Gratified by Support He has Received after Having to Super-Glue His Shoes.

Andis Kaulins, a Wuxi Expat English Teacher who is not be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, told the WCE Blog that he has been deeply touched by the expressions of concern that he has received from prominent Wuxi Expats after he publicly revealed that he had to super-glue his shoes.

"I have received phone calls emails of concern and support from His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty; his consort Queen Ayira:  the Chosen One; Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango; Mango's wife Wonder Woman; the leader of the Wuxi China Expatdom opposition Nudist Party:  General Augustus Caesar Ramon Chavez Allende Mah Jong Pinochle; the co-leaders of the Wuxi China Expatdom Sexpat Feminist Alliance:  Deloris Morris and John Hefner; the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force: General Colonel Harlan Sanders; the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy:  Admiral Lloyd Bridges;  the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force:  Air Marshall Gregory Peck;  Owners of Gambay's Pub:  Fred and Frank Minkleman; and the commissioner of the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame:  Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis.  All of them tell me that they have size 47 feet and have had to super-glue their shoes too!  I am glad to know that I am not the only one!  His Majesty Gorzo tells me that he is planning to form a Ministry-- perhaps with me as its head -- to see that Wuxi Expats with big feet will never again have to super-glue their shoes due to a lack of size 47 shoes in the WCE!"  said ET Kaulins.

ET Kaulins told the WCE Blog that there a call from one prominent Wuxi Expat, whose phone call was particularly touching.  "Tears came eyes when I got a phone call from Regina, Saskatchewan.  Yes!  Archduke Harry Moore took the time on his honeymoon to phone me!  I couldn't believe it!  His feet are size 44 and His wife Miss Moneypenny's shoes are 42.  He has no skin in this game but he phoned me anyway.  This shows the secret of his incredible charisma:  his incredible empathy for those who are less fortunate than himself; and that of course is everyone else on Earth!  Anyway, after I got the call, I ran around Lake Taihu barefoot!  I was so damn happy!"

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Fired for Eating Hot Dogs in Class

Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion, has been fired, by Universal English School in the Wuxi New District, for eating Hot Dogs during one of his classes.

Barry Dumont, Senior Teacher at Universal English School announced, to a press conference at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, that Universal and Short had parted ways.  "Some of our students went nauseous watching Short stuff hot dogs into his body while trying to teach relative verbs!" said Dumont.

Short told the WCE Blog that he had been out late the night before and so, he "understandably" got up late.  "I can't work without my coffee and my McDonald's breakfast hot dogs, so even though I was running behind, I bought my usual order of fifty dogs.  I was eating my tenth hot dog when the school phoned.  Despite the inconvenience that they were putting me under by insisting that I go to school right away, I rushed, as I fast as I could, to school with all the forty dogs in a bag.  Having to be in the class at that moment just right then, I had no choice or option but to take the hot dogs with me.  They would have been stolen by the other teachers and the school cat if I left them on my desk; and they would also have gotten cold!  So, I think I did the thing that was morally right and proper under the circumstances and at that moment!  I really resent that the head teacher was angry with me!  I couldn't not understand what the problem was!  Heck!  I even offered some of my hot dogs to the students!  It really angers me that they complained!"

The President of the eight million member Wuxi China Expatdom Hot Dog Appreciation Society, Oscar Meyer, said they supported the school's decision.  "Short is a "special" member of the WCEHDAS!" said Meyer, "but he has no leg to stand on in this situation.  There is a time to work; a time to eat hot dogs; a time to sing; a time to dance; a time to enjoy life; a time to prepare; a time to be silly; and a time to be serious. Short has made the mistake that others have made by assuming that the WCEHDAS is an organization for silly and frivolous and irresponsible people....  Well!  Dammit!!  It isn't!  Short, through his behavior has brought great shame on himself and the WCEHDAS.  We are stripping him of his special associate member status right now.  We are even hoping that he be expelled from the WCE!"

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Forced to Super-Glue His shoes

Andis Kaulins, an English Teacher and Wuxi Expat who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins is who the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, has had to super-glue a pair of his shoes for a second time in a week.  With shoes his size hard to find in the Wuxi China Expatdom, Kaulins says he is facing an existential crisis.

"First, it was a pair of shoes I bought in Canada not more than two years ago.  I was teaching a class on a company site, when one of my shoes felt like its bottom was coming out.  Taking a look, I saw that my sole was beginning to separate from the rest of my shoe.  I had to get some super glue from my wife later that evening.  I used the glue on the shoes the next morning and it did the trick!" said ET Kaulins in an exclusive interview with the WCE Super Glue Blog.

"Despite the success of the super-glue, I found I was wary to wear that pair of shoes all the time, so I had been wearing a pair of brown shoes that I had purchased over ten years before.  I had let the shoes sit in my shoe closet for a few years.  At the end of my third time of wearing them, I had the shoe and the sole separate as I was taking them off!  Luckily I still had some super-glue I could use on them!"

ET Kaulins told the WCE Blog that he felt impoverished after the shoe incidents.  "I have one pair of shoes that I can still classify as good and I am more fearful than ever of wearing them!  If they break, I might as well be a tramp!"

ET Kaulins who has size 47 (Euro) of 12 (North American) feet in a country where the shoes are usually no bigger than size 44.  He told the WCE Blog that when he goes back to Canada in May, he will have to "buy at least three pairs of shoes!"  In the meanwhile, he said he had been poring over his fifteen copies of the Poolside Harry Moore  and His KJV Holy Bible in an effort to bolster his spirits.

Wuxi English Teacher denies that he is a Womanizer

Constantis Egomorof, a 58 year old English Teacher from the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia, Canada, told the WCE Blog that he denied, vehemently, charges and rumours going about the Wuxi Expat bar circuit that he was a womanizer.

"It is a serious charge to call someone a womanizer!" said Egomorof. "I agree that people like that should be castrated and chop up into little pieces before being flushed down a toilet. But, as it is, their life is a toilet of depravity anyway! Now! I have to tell you that I have only slept with four students since I arrived here in March. And that is the honest God's truth so don't you dare say I am a womanizer!"

Wuxi Expat Kindergarten Teacher says he only beats up other people's children

Kid Carlie, an English Teacher at Seven Eight Nine Kindergarten in Wuxi's Dong Ting Kindergarten, told the WCE Blog that he was distressed to know that parents were going to be allowed in sit in on his classes as part of a parents day his school was hosting.

"I usually like to punch, spank and beat up the children during my classes.  Most of them are little bastards always trying to slap your ass or punch you in the crotch!  And most of them don't listen to me anyway and seem to look at me like I am some sort of Monkey Teacher!" said Carlie, who has been working at Seven Eight Nine for six weeks.

Asked if he was going to change his teaching and discipline methods with parents in his class, Carlie replied in the negative, saying that he would tell the parents he  "only beat up other people's children, not theirs."

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner accused of Deadism

Owner of the Chestnut and Walnut Pubs, Wally Droop has denied vehemently that he is a Deadist.  

The Wuxi China Expatdom Association of Dead English Teachers and Engineers (WCEDETE) leveled the charge against Droop in a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  Said the President of the WCEDETE, Derrick Doornail, deceased:  "I have visited the Pubs owned by Droop on many occasions and not once have I seen him serve dead people.  He tried to throw me out of the pub, making me lean against against a wall in the alley behind his pub.  As well, I have never seen a dead person working in the pub."

"I have never ever discriminated against dead people." said Droop to the WCE Blog.  "If they come to the pub, I serve them.  I have never once not hired any applicants because they are dead.  In fact some of best friends are dead people.  My wife is dead.  Of course, she wasn't when I married her, but she might as well be now, if you know what I mean!  And I have had dead people on staff like Duston Short, for instance.  Come on!  While the guy can waddle around, he is legally dead if you try to examine the organ he has between his ears.  The only reason, I had to let him go was because he was too "dead tired" to show up to work!"

Doornail has told the WCE Blog that he is going to lobby the WCE parliament and ask them to pass some sort of affirmative action legislation. "For far too long, Dead people have been looked down on and given the silent treatment!" said Doornail.

Over one million Wuxi Expats attend the first barbecue of 2012

Over a million Wuxi Expats attended the annual 2012 Gambay's Pub Barbecue held at Wu Culture Park in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi, China on Saturday, April 21.

A good time was had by all, as the crowd, after eating hamburgers and hot dogs cooked up by the Minkleman brothers, danced to a unique fusion of country and funk performed by Harry Callahan & the WCE Trio with special guest vocalist Officer McNulty.

The crowd of barbecuing Expats was gratified by a surprise appearance by his Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom accompanied by his wife Ayria: The Chosen One. The Royal couple showed the large crowd that they were virtuoso dancers introducing a paradigm-shifting brand of country-funk-prisyadka dancing.

The barbecue was then capped off by an after-dinner film talk given by Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President and Archduke Harry Moore. So moved and inspired were the barbecue attendees by Moore's discussion of the films of Glen Ford that they all danced jauntily, via high-speed conga line, back to the New District.

Wuxi Expat English Teacher falls in love with his Thesaurus

Sir Guy Battersbee, an English Teacher and Wuxi Expat from Stokes Carlyle Pier Middlesborough Common, England, has fallen in love with the Merriam Webster Thesaurus that he purchased at the Foreign Language Bookstore in the Shanghai, China Expatdom.  He and his darling Merriam have applied for a Marriage License at the Wuxi China Expatdom Wedding License Office.

Battersbee told the WCE Blog of his romance with his Thesaurus.  "Being in China and teaching English can be bad for the size of one's vocabulary!  Having to always choose my words carefully with the students, I find myself always using the most common and inelegant of words.  So, I was in the bathroom one day examining all aspects of myself and to my horror I found that my vocabulary had shrunken.  So, I called in sick, took the train to Shanghai, got on the subway to People's Square, and found the Shanghai Foreign Bookstore and bought a thesaurus."

"At first, my relationship with Merriam was strictly practical.  I used her everyday and found my vocabulary swelling to its original vigorous size.  I felt confident again of my performance.  But I discovered I had worn out Merriam with my frequent consultations of her.  I then took care to mend her spine and re-enforce her covers.  When I gave her a new cover, I tried to find a design that she would like that was flowery and perfume-smelling.  One thing lead to another thing as the expression goes!  I found myself quite taken with the romance of Archduke Harry Moore and Miss Moneypenny.  Theirs was truly a fairy tale love.  I then watched their honeymoon video and was inspired to be as loving of Merriam as the Archduke was of his darling wife!  I found that I had fallen in love, passionately and head over heels!  And thanks to being in the Wuxi China Expatdom with its laws permitting the marriage of humans and inanimate objects, I had myself a spouse!"

"I love Merriam.  She is simple to search with clear guidance for finding the right word.  She lists her words in alphabetical order which helps me find the right word in seconds.  She can provide me with over 157,000 concise word choices.  Her main entries provide me with a statement of core meaning.  And not only can I find Synonyms in Merriam!  I can also find Antonyms!.....  Oh!  How I love antonyms!  Opposites attract they say!"

Battersbee says the only objections he has had to his marrying his Thesaurus were from other English Expats who objecting to his marrying a Webster Thesaurus and not a Cambridge or Oxford Thesaurus.  "Anti-Americanism is akin to anti-Semitism if you ask me!" said Battersbee, an admitted Americaphile.

Battersbee told the WCE Blog that he and Merriam plan to honeymoon with Merriam in Regina, Saskatchewan, like their role models Archduke Harry Moore and Mrs. Miss Moneypenny.  "I want to get on with Merriam on a flat plain where one can be seen for miles like the Archduke and his secretary did from 35:49 to 48:24 of their honeymoon video!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke clamps down on celebration of Hitler's Birthday in the Suzhou China Expatdom

The administration of the colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom by Minister and Archduke Harry Moore has been described as even-handed, wise, kind, loving, decent, gentle and humane by all observers.

But when celebrations of Hitler's Birthday were planned by Suzhou Expats on April 20th, the Archduke displayed a steel and iron firmness that seemed in contradistinction to his normally sunny warm and optimistic demeanor. 

With a iron resolve borne of a righteous and proper indignation, Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies and Archduke Moore decreed that no celebrations of Hitler's birthday would be permitted anywhere in the colonies of the Wuxi China Exaptdom and that particular attention would be given to the Suzhou China Expatdom which is a known hotbed of Hitler admiration.  "I have requested and received the support of Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, Officer McNulty, General Colonel Harlan Sanders, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Air Marshall Gregory Peck and Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force Commander Karl Malden in my campaign to rid the Suzhou China Expatdom of Hitler sympathizers!" said Moore to a hushed and concerned group of media at a press conference held in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  "I expect Officer McNulty will deal his personal and eccentric brand of roughhouse he-man righteous justice to every Hitler sympathizer that is apprehended!"

Eight billion views of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke's honeymoon video on Youtube.

As of April 19, there have been over 8 billion views of a bootleg video taken of the honeymoon intimacies of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Harry Moore and his bride Miss Moneypenny.

The video has been praised by a wide range of world leaders from U.S. Presidents to Pope Benedict XVI.

U.S. President Obama told a press conference that he and his wife Michelle had watched the two hour Harry Moore honeymoon video ten times.  "If folks don't vote me to be President again, I know what Michelle and I will be doing after January 2013.  Va va va voom!"

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden and Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion Duston Short both said that after the video they both realized that they had been doing it wrong all these years.  They both were head to exclaim "Oh, that is where it goes!"

Pope Benedict XVI said that videos, of what the Archduke and Miss Moneypenny did, were not normally his cup of tea and something he would endorse members of his church watching; but that he would recommend that everyone watch the Archduke's honeymoon video because he and Miss Moneypenny displayed a passion and sheer athleticism that rose to a level that was holy and miraculous!   The video, his holiness added, could replace the Song of Songs in the official Catholic Bible.  As well, the Pope mentioned the possibility of canonizing the couple.

The Nobel Committee is considering awarding the Archduke and Mrs. Miss Moneypenny Nobel prizes for peace and physics.

The Oscar Comittee in the USA has nominated the video for academy awards for best short subject, actor, actress, stuntmenship and best stuntwomenship. 

The big Hollywood studios are now clamoring to do a cinematic remake of the video.  Al Pacino, Robert Redford, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Chuck Norris and Harvey Keitel have already started lobbying for the roles of the all-male love team that would portray the Archduke in the movie.

For their part the Archduke and his secretary wife told the WCE Blog that they had initially resented the intrusion into their privacy, but given the praise the video had received they were now thinking of filming all their intimacies as instructional videos for the world.  "My darling Harry and I want to see married couples all over the world have more loving lives!" said Mrs. Miss Moneypenny.  

Archduke Harry Moore, when asked by the WCE Blog for the secret of his graceful techniques, said that the credit really went to his wife.  "My Honey Bunny Moneypenny has the way of bringing out my inner tiger and saint at the same time and always when we are together!"