A Rainbow Coaliton of Celebration at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport.

Two days after the arrival of the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent at the WCE Freeport, the greatest party in all of human history is still in a full frenzy with no signs of abatement for the foreseeable future.

As they de-boarded the WCERN Fred Astaire at the Freeport, The contingent members, Gorzo the Mighty, his Queen Ayira, WCE Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and Gambay's Pub owner Fred Minkleman were given a four hour standing ovation from the crowd of 2.7 billion Wuxi Expats.  Harry Callahan let the party officially begin by singing his World Expatdom Vision Song Contest winning "Ave Maria and Christina" for the royal dancing couple Gorzo and Ayira.  At the end of the song, the WCE's most important DJ, Wayne Turner Franklin Funk, put on his recording of Frank Sinatra's Summer Wind  on his turn table, and 2.7 billion people quickly scrambled to find dance partners.  The party officially began.

Observers of the celebrations have been impressed by the diversity of celebration methods on display at the Freeport.

Professor Agnus Ruck, head of the partyology department at the University of Melbourne by the Lake almost, reported the following:  "I have seen Arab Wuxi China Expats continually fire off automatic weapons into the air.  The Wuxi China Expats from Israel are breaking plates.  Canadian Expats, who aren't from Ontario, are running around with the Wuxi China Expatdom flag tied to an ice hockey stick -- Ontario Expats are wearing their undershorts on their heads.  Australian Expats are doing the traditional kangaroo hop and dance.  Locals are eating long-life noodles.  German Expats are wearing coverall shorts and slapping each other.  American Expats are firing their colt 45s in the air as they ride their horses.  English people are getting drunk.  The Frenchmen are kissing each other.  New Zealanders are performing a farmer and sheep passion play.  I don't know what countrymen are putting their heads in a cupboard and slamming it shut.  Russian Expats are getting drunk on Vodka.  Latvian Expats are waiting for the Russians to get drunk so they can shave them."

Already the celebration has set world records for longest conga lines, most gallons of vomit at a party, and liters of beer consumed.

The Capture of the Former King of Wuxi is a victory for ___________________?

With celebrations of the return of the WCE contingent at a frenzied pitch, observers are wondering what the capture is a victory for.

The capture of the former King of Wuxi has already been proclaimed a triumph of hope, freedom, justice, taste, decency, freshness, poetry, humanity, humanitarianism, logic, constitutional government, consensual democracy, wit, empathy, libertarianism, sympathy, beauty, the classic forms, Catholicism, chastity, science, tradition, charity, virtue, generosity, the environment, the common man, the individual, air quality, music, the universe, science fiction, recreational bondage, knowledge, free enquiry, free speech, quality, naturism, and capitalism over despair, government bondage, bowling, the baseball wildcard, the welfare state, despotism, injustice, baseness, spoilage, rap, hip-hop, scoffing, belching, flatulence, fascism, high tax rates, cheesy movies, illogic, free verse, cheesy television, cheesy jokes, greed, sloth, wraith, lust, envy, regulation, superstition, censorship, ignorance, stupidity, crony-capitalism, government health care, the collective, Canadian content regulations, patronage, the bureaucracy, proportional representation, egg marketing boards, lard marketing boards, milk marketing boards, high speed trains, wheat marketing boards, bilingualism, and bridge: the card game.

Said one of the observers:  "That short list makes my head spin!"

Former Wuxi China Expatdom Culture Minister Bass Bassimov captured in Venezuela.

A third member of the previous Wuxi China Expatdom regime, has been captured by in Venezuela by Venezuelan rebel forces allied with the current WCE government.  Bass Bassimov, who had been masquerading as a second-hand comic shop owner, was found by the rebels of the Hugo Chavez regime in Caracas.  Chavez and the former King of Wuxi had been the best of friends.  It was Culture Minister Bassimov who provided the Ayatollah of Mordor with a constant supply of grade "b" science fiction and horror films.  The Ayatollah of Mordor and Hugo Chavez had frequent "summits" where they forced many innocent people to sit through the films at so-called "arts and film" festivals in both the WCE and Venezuela.

The announcement of the capture was made by WCE Police Commissioner Blakelock from Canada's Hans Island where he is supervising the preparations for the trial of former members of the Ayatollah of Mordor's regime.  Said Blakelock, "You can have no doubt as to satisfaction that the capture of the notorious former Culture Minister of the Wuxi China Expatdom has given me and the many victims of the Ayatollah's crimes against good taste.  Currently, Bassimov is on a Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy ship which is on its way to Hans Island.  We are forever grateful to the rebels for assisting us in the capture of Bassimov.  We understand, of course, that the Chavez regime has talked of violations of its sovereignty.  But, Chavez never respected the sovereignty of the Wuxi Expats that he tied to cinema seats to watch Zorgon Quest #3: the apprenticeship of Chocolate Toffee.  For this he was tried by an international court of justice!"

Wuxi China Expatdom appoints Sirloin Steak Bailey to head new Ministry of Scat.

The Right Honourable Prime Minister of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Mango, today announced the appointment of Sirloin Steak Bailey as Minister for Scat in the Expatdom.  Minister Bailey will in be charge of Wuxi China Expatdom Scat legislation and act as a liase between the WCE government and the community of WCE Scat.

 

Said PM Mango, "For far too long, the Wuxi China Expatdom has ignored the needs, aspirations, and desires of its Scat community.  Of course, we must never forget this neglect started with the tyrannical regime of the Ayatalloh of Mordor, which our government, in its far-sightedness has seen to correct.  But, still, for too long, the Scat Community, as far as we can determine, has been demanding respect, artistic freedom, and their voice to be listened to in an atmosphere of tolerance and non-discrimantory exclusiveness that isn't fattening and bad for Scatters with peanut allergies."

 

The PM then introduced Minister Bailey who said the following, "Scooby Dooby Cat Man do!  Dubba dubba dubba!  Shoe me blabba blabba do!  Mango Mango Mango Marma Marma do! Ya ba dab a doooo!  Skilly!  Skilly!  Milly!  Rat a rat a rat man do!"

Minister Bailey, then took questions from the assembled media.  Asked about the Scat Economy in the WCE, Bailey said the following:  "Just skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope. Skeetle-at-de-op-de-day"

Wuxi China Expatdom to send Emergency Knee Pad Shipment to Nanjing Expatdom.

The Prime Minister of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Mango, announced that the WCE will be sending a emergency shipment of knee pads to the Nanjing Expatdom which is in the midst of a sore knee crisis.  Currently 95 percent of Nanjing Expats spend an inordinate amount of time on their knees and so are wearing out kneepads at a incredible rate, causing a shortage.

Said PM Mango, "I have been in constant communication with Nanjing Expatdom leaders as their crisis has unfolded.  They are grateful for the kneepad shipment -- 250,000 pairs -- however they seemed to be very tight-lipped as to why they have a shortage of kneepads as this time.  I not being one to judge, leave the speculation as to the cause of the crisis to the tabloid and yellow press."

The Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent subdues the Kraken! PM Mango says "Let the party begin!"

"Perhaps the greatest celebration in all of human history can now begin in the Wuxi China Expatdom!" These were the words uttered by Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango upon receiving news that the Kraken monster has been subdued and the WCE King Gorzo, his Queen Ayira: The Chosen One, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and Gambay's Pub Owner Fred Minkleman can now have a proper reception from the nearly 2.7 billion people awaiting them at the WCE Freeport of Lake Taihu.

The homecoming party which was to have taken place on Easter Weekend had to be postponed as the Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire, commanded by Admiral Lloyd Bridges, carrying the four person WCE Contingent had to chase and subdue the Kraken Monster, believed sent by the Ayatollah of Morder to disrupt the festivities. The Kraken had managed to swallow seven Wuxi China Expats from Ontario, Canada, when the Fred Astaire arrived on the scene and followed the monster to the center of Lake Taihu.

The struggle between the Kraken and the WCE Contingent was monumental. In an exclusive interview with Eye Witness Wuxi China Expatdom News, Sports, and Talk Radio, Admiral Lloyd Bridges reported what happened:

"The Kraken was a foul creature. Smelly and disgusting -- almost as bad the Ayatollah of Mordor's undershorts on a sweaty and hot day after a barbecue. At the center of the lake, the Kraken tried to sink the Fred Astaire with a whirlpool. Thankfully, the fellows at the WCE Intelligence Agency and our Poet Laureate McClusky warned us about this. I rode the whirlpool in a direction opposite to the rotation of the whirlpool -- it helped that Gorzo, and Harry Callahan, with his one good arm, paddled. The Monster tired out and after twenty hours, the whirlpool diminished to nothing. The Kraken then tried to grab Ayira with a tentacle, only to have Ayira pull the tentacle off. Next, the Kraken tried to use its bulk to attack the Fred Astaire head-on, but Harry Callahan, with his one good arm, socked the monster in the eye. And so Fred Minkleman, using his gift of mimicry, made a Kraken mating call, and the dazed Kraken summoned up the energy to embrace a ten meter high wax statue of Barbara Streisand covered with super glue which we had specially made for the occasion. It remained for Gorzo and I to enter the belly of the beast and retrieve the seven Expats, but they said they liked it in there so we left them and the Kraken in the middle of Lake Taihu."

The Kraken and the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent still duking it out on Lake Taihu.

The crowd of two billion plus at the Wuxi China Freeport is still patiently waiting to celebrate the return of the King Gorzo, Queen Ayira, Harry Callahan, and Fred Minkleman.  The WCE Contingent, as the four are officially called, are still on the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Aircraft Carrier the Fred Astaire  which is in the midst of Lake Taihu dealing with the Kraken Monster which has swallowed seven Wuxi Expats.

Wuxi China Expatdom sends Emergency Diarrhea Relief to the Suzhou China Expatdom.

Prime Minister Mango announced that  the Wuxi China Expatdom will send an emergency shipment of Kaopectate to the Suzhou Expatdom which is currently experiencing a diarrhea crisis.  As of Monday, an estimated 95 percent of Suzhou Expats are suffering from diarrhea, so instead of sitting behind their desks or at their barstools, Suzhou Laowai  find themselves sitting on the toilet or squatting. 

 

Long time observers of the Suzhou Expatdom say the crisis is a result of the basic primitvism of Suzhou Expats.  Said Hans Klingerhoffen, a self-described Suzhou Expatdom refugee turned Wuxi Expat, "Suxhou Expats eschew all forms of personal ablutions and like to drink water from puddles.  As well, they don't see the need to wash their hands ever."

 

Said Prime Minister Mango, "I have been in constant communication with the leaders of the Suzhou Expatdom and pledged that the WCE will help them in anyway we can during their time of grave diarrheal problems.   I told them Kaopectate Anti-Diarrheal and Upset Stomach Reliever stops diarrhea fast and has two key electrolytes to help you recover fast.  I also told them that Kaopectate comes in a number of varieties, including Kaopectate Vanilla Regular, Kaopectate Peppermint, Kaopectate Peppermint Extra Strength, Kaopectate Cherry, and Kaopectate Children's.  I also suggested that they try the Surfak Stool Softener (Formerly Kaopectate Stool Softener) SoftGels, that we threw in the emergency shipment, because it provides gentle relief of occasional constipation and restores your body's natural balance.  Finally, I told the leaders that if they didn't want a repeat of the crisis, they should educate their subjects about basic personal hygiene."

Colonel Sanders inducted into Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame; Ready For The Kraken

Calling "Atten-shun!" to the crowd of two and-a-half billion people assembled at Lake Taihu, WCEHoF commissioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis today performed the induction of Colonel Harlan Sanders, as the fifth inductee into the Hall of Fame.

Landis, standing ramrod-straight, and satisfied that the Kraken was apparently having a siesta-time snooze somewhere in the crystal-clear depths of the lake, described the Kentucky-born, now WCE-based Colonel, as "our bravest, most-decorated, soldier, both here, and also in all of the world's Expatdominia!", he exclaimed.
"We are", he continued, facing the Kraken's furious wrath, and our Colonel, in his outstanding soldierly career, has already vanquished legions of fowlsome foes, and he is now ready to answer the familiar bugle call-to-arms, breasts, and thighs".

"Colonel Sanders", said Landis, "a proud defender of the Confederacy, graduated from the Kentucky Military Academy in Lexington, and was immediately deployed to the Batle of Waterloo, where he first showed his selfless willingness to expose himself to Napoleon's withering cannon-balls, as well as the fearsome-barrages of basket-balls, netting the enemy in an encircircling maneuver. "Though they had me cooped-up at one stage, layin' low, and by then we'd run clean-out of pullets, so I had ta relieve myself outta that trap - 'twas
nuthin', in th' end", he later recalled.


"Next, at the side of the Confederate General Lee in the American Civil War, the Colonel counter-attacked the Union's troops during the week-long siege of Banff, and was Mentioned in Dispatches 238 times. Shouting to his men "Don't ya go-firin', boys,'till yer see th' red o' their eyes!!" became his lifelong war-cry.
In 1918 he vanquished the German Kaiser's armies in the trenches of the Bahamas.

Then, in 1943, Harlan Sanders went on to the north-African campaign, (where, Sanders said, "I whacked that old dawg General Rommel's rear; didn't want ta' risk ma' men in a full-frontal, exposed-like, engagement"), thereby gaining the coveted Siamese Star to add to his cluster of decorations.
The Colonel's regiment brilliantly out-flanked Rommel's crack fighting troops, the Ronalds-Korps, in the decisive Battle of Hamburger Hill. The Colonel later said that the worst part of the desert fighting was the scorching-heat. "Why, out there, it just fries", he recalled.

"In the Pacific War, assisting the Marines at Guadal Canal, the Colonel earned his reputation for steadfastly-protecting his privates, ("we only suffered a few poultry losses", the Colonel diarised, thankfully).
And from there he went on to assume command of the legendary 9th Catering Corps - 'The Fightin' Finger-Lickers', as they became famously-known, were the heroic field-kitchen victors in the Battle of The River Paper-Plate.

Since then, the Colonel has taken-part in too many wars, and shake and awe-campaigns to mention here today. The list goes on and on - Korea, ' Nam, the Golf wars, The Forklands, Greenland, to name but a few.

"He also led the Kentucky Colonels of the American Basketball Association to their only championship in 1975. In his only season, he averaged 35 points, 15 rebounds, and 10 blocked shots per game. He is both a sporting and military genius.

"Closer to home, in 1912, he was the first to dog-paddle his way ashore on the beachhead at Lake Taihu, and, in hand-to-hand fighting, drove-out the occupying Nanjing Expatdom's forces in a deep ravine, where our iconic, and much-visited Bar District was later established, and is now-named in commemoration of the year of that stupendous victory. "Th' enemy, on their last legs, flew outta there real-fast, jus' like they had wings", the Colonel now remembers pridefully.

As well as liberating the WCE from jackbooteed-tyranny, Colonel Sanders personally hand-fed the starving Expats in the Very Very Old District, using only crudely-contrived plastic spoons.
For this, he garnered 216 Red and White Stars, with Bars, 128 Devotion to Fast Service Medals, 358 Citations, as well as the much-prized Residential Grand Aluminium and Tin Cross of the Side Order.

"In today's Wuxi China Expatdom, the Colonel's outstanding gallantry, and his military-genius, is commemorated in the countless shrines, and eleven spiced-temples, emblazoned with his billygoateed-image, where, sixteen times daily, our Expat citizenry kneel or sit to offer their worshipful-gratitude, and we will continue to do so, into perpetuity.
"People of the WCE! At Ease!", Landis concluded.

After the speech, Colonel Sanders, using his trade-mark expression, "Old soldiers never diet, they jus' take-away", boldly stepped kneck-deep into the Taihu lakewaters, acknowledged the thunderously-deafening roar of the adoring-crowd's applause and adulation, and said "I'm feelin' proud, mighty proud!. "Comin' back-home, ta' do some fightin' with that ole Krikken, why, it's beyond ma' wildest dreams! .

And, gazing-out at Lake Taihu, the Colonel defiantly shouted, "Where ya hidin' ya'self, ya Krikken, - chickenin'-out of a lickin' from me, are yer, son!!em>

The Kraken swallows seven Wuxi China Expats at Lake Taihu.

The Kraken Monster returned to the Wuxi China Freeport grabbing seven Expats from the crowd awaiting the arrival of King Gorzo, Queen Ayira, Harry Callahan, and Fred Minkleman who are on the Wuxi China Expatdom Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire.  The Expats taken by the Kraken are believed to be from Ontario, Canada.  The Ontario Expats had ignored warnings and evidence plain as the nose on their faces that the Kraken was dangerous.

 

The Kraken was about to eat some high-status Wuxi Expats when the WCERN Fred Astaire arrived at the Freeport.  Seeing the Aircraft Carrier, the Kraken fled to the middle of Lake Taihu.

 

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the WCERN Fred Astaire, ignoring the massive applause that the WCE contingent's arrival generated, decided to immediately pursue the Kraken.  Said Bridges, "I know that the Kraken has only captured some Ontario, Canada Expats.  But is there a great risk that it will eat some important Wuxi China Expats.  King Gorzo, Queen Ayira, Fred Minkleman, and Harry Callahan, of course, want to help destroy the menace."

 

Jack Josephson, assistant Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom, said that all-in-all the Kraken eating seven expats from Ontario, Canada wasn't such a bad thing.  "It could have eaten some important Wuxi China Expats!" said Josephson.  "I think that up to a point, one could say that we have so far had the best case scenario taking place with the Kraken."

 

Some of the Wuxi Expats onshore, wanting so desperately to see the WCE contingent, questioned the Admiral's decision to pursue the Kraken.  Said Buzz Aldrin, "Everyone wants to party!  I say catch the Kraken later.  And if those Ontario, Canada Expats are lost!  It's no big deal!"

Wuxi China Expatdom offers hemorrhoids relief to the Shanghai China Expatdom

Prime Minister Mango says the Wuxi China Expatdom will send an emergency shipment of Preparation "H" to the Shanghai, China Expatdom which is in the midst of a serious hemorrhoids crisis.

 

The latest hemorrhoid census done in the Shanghai Expatdom reveals that 98 percent of Shanghai Expats have hemorrhoids so serious that they always have to lie on their stomachs.  This has made it hard for the Shanghai Expats, most of whom engage in heavily bureaucratic work, to sit behind their desks.

 

Said WCE PM Mango, "I hate to be judgemental, but maybe if Shanghai Expats had more get-up-and-go to them like Wuxi Expats , this hemorrhoids crisis would not have occurred."

Wuxi China Expats praise the arrangements at Niels Bohrs' Wedding．

Niels Bohr, Flute Player for the WCE Trio and CEO of Santo Diminge Tubing, was married on the weekend to a local girl, at perhaps the most elaborate private wedding ceremony in the history of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Wuxi China Expats who attended,  praised the arrangements, saying they easily outdid those of Colonel Sanders' Kentucky Style Wedding held in the Wuxi China Expatdom in 2004.

 

Alex Devichio, CEO of Alpha Agroinator, one of the attendees, praised the fact that there three choices of milk at the reception's buffet: Chocolate, Homogenized, and Two Percent.  "In Wuxi, you are lucky to see milk on a grocery store shelf.  The selection of milk brought tears to my eyes."

 

Larry Lawrence, CEO of Quality Bearings, praised the reception's entertainment.  "There was a three-ring circus for the children.  For the adults, there was a choice of performances of Lady Gaga, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Black Eyed Peas, and Clint Black to watch -- no strong proponent for any particular music genre felt left out.  Gear heads could sit near the track of the Wuxi 100 - in F-1, NASCAR, or Indy formats.  As well, there was a variety of local entertainment on tap including Dragon Dancers, Acrobats, Cross-Talkers, Face-Changers, and Peking Opera performed by midgets.  I personally enjoyed watching the championship ping-pong and dwarfs doing Shakespeare."

 

Johnny Stelnachuk, an Ontario, Canada Expat praised the chocolate bar selection.  "I couldn't believe there were ten choices including Smarties, Oh Henry, Crispy Crunch, Aero, Sweet Marie, and Eat More."

 

Andrew Andrewski, CEO of Popular Polling, said that every wedding attendee had his or her inmost desires attended to.  "In addition to the 100 beer varieties,  35 kinds of meat,  10 brands of chocolate bars,  cuisine from every Chinese province, cuisine from 120 countries, and food for those with a kosher or weight-reducing diet, every attendee had a choice of personal masseuse, dietary coach, psychiatrist, escort, or world leader to attend to their personal needs.  I was able to get Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper teach me about Ice Hockey.  My single buddy choose to pal up with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi -- perhaps they went to a Bunga-Bunga party afterwards."

 

For Lyle Lowalski, Vice President of Trash Heap Disintegration, the best thing was the ceremony.  "Atheists, Agnostics, Jews, Christians, Muslims, Nudists, Naturists and every other possible religious faith in the world came away from the ceremony satisfied.  By giving every attendee of the ceremony special virtual-reality helmets, Niels ensured that everyone  could see the wedding conducted on the basis of their religious and political beliefs."

 

Andis Kaulins, teacher at HyLite English, praised the Wedding Ceremony mementos, "At the end of the reception, every guest got an official wedding t-shirt, cap, tie, limited-edition bobble-head doll set of the bride and groom, a BMW car, and enough food to last a family of three a year."

 

Bobby Roberts, a teacher from Leprosy International English (LIE), and former mountain climber, praised the height of the birthday cake.  "It was my great honor to be able to ascend to the top of the 150 meter tall cake and cut the first piece for my good friend Niels."

 

Hans Zimmerman praised the lack of judgementalism on the part of the all attendees towards those who had non-traditional wedding arrangements -- Zimmerman had made history by marrying his long underwear.  "I and my dear long underwear felt completely at home.  My friend Zuckerman who married his bowling ball appreciated the fact that during the reception, the Wuxi Expat ladies from more traditional wedding arrangements, asked his spouse to come to their next league of woman voters meeting.  Niels seems to know only the most top-notch and caring of people!  I wish him and his wife all the best in their future!"

Media Acclaims WCE's Ayatollah-Trappers

The Colonel Rushes Back to the WCE

The WCE's most-accomplished fighting man,
Harlan Sanders, has cut-short his overseas tour to
dash back to the Expatdom.

Pictured above, receiving the homage of an (unidentified) minor public official in Washington, the Colonel was being showered with more medals, citations and ribbons, to add to his already-copious collection of military awards.

The Colonel said that he'd taken a call from PM Mango, via radio-telephone,
requesting that he return urgently.

"PM Mango didn't tell me a whole lot, except that some kinda big trouble is brewin' out at Lake Taihu, and that I hav'ta first go see Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis about some 'important matter' ".

Colonel Sanders added that he'd be ready for immediate action. "If they're
wantin' me for some type of ground forces operation, then I'm more than willin' to get my musket out again!", he said gleefully.

The Kraken swallows and then spits out Poop at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport.

The Kraken has claimed and then returned its first victim at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport where a huge crowd awaits the arrival of the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent which has successfully captured the Ayatollah of Mordor.

The Leader of the opposition Nudist Party, Iggy Poop, already campaigning for the 2012 WCE parliamentary elections, decided to drive a motorboat near the Freeport.  He stopped his boat, threw out his anchor, and then proceeded to harangue the crowd, that was on the shore, via loudhailer.  

As he spoke, a long tentacle came from behind and grabbed him causing the crowd full of admirers of Prime Minister Mango to cheer.  Many were heard to say "Good on you Mister Kraken!"  The tentacle grabbed a screaming Poop, who was heard to shout "I am worth more to you dead than alive, or rather I am worth more to you alive than dead!!!!". The the Kraken then rose from the beneath the Taihu surface -- its head was green, one-eyed, and terrifyingly ugly.  Using its tentacle, the Kraken put Poop in its mouth, and began to swallow Poop, earning even more hearty cheers from the crowd.

But the Kraken began to choke, and turned a darker shade of green.  The Kraken then pushed its entire bulk upward, and spit Poop out.  Poop flew one hundred feet into the air, and fortunately for him, landed in a bed of straw that just happened to be on the shore.  Poop screamed "You see!  I am worth more to the Kraken alive than dead!  And that is why I should be your next Prime Minister!"  to which the crowd indicated disapproval.  Some of the 2.5 billion Wuxi Expats even screamed "No! You just taste like poo!"

The Kraken then bellowed and swam out to the center of Lake Taihu, putting the fear of God into the crowd.  Assistant WCE Chief Inspector Jack Josephson, witnessing the scene, said "This Kraken is more horrible than can be imagined!"

The Kraken approaches the crowd at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport on Lake Taihu.

The crowd of 2.5 billion Wuxi Expats awaiting the arrival of King Gorzo the Mighty, his Queen Ayira: The Chosen One, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and Gambay's Pub owner Fred Minkleman is not scared by the Kraken Monster that is approaching the Wuxi China Freeport.  The Kraken will probably eat as many Wuxi Expats as it can.  It is now a race against time to see if the Kraken can get to the crowd before the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent arrives at the Freeport on the WCERN Aircraft Carrier commanded by Admiral Lloyd Bridges.

Said, one of the waiting Wuxi Expats, Grand Duke Peter Nikolaevich of Russia, "Wuxi Expats are made of better stuff than other Expats.  If this was a crowd of Shanghai or Nanjing or Suzhou Expats, they would be running away, and calling their mommies on their mobile phones.  Wuxi Expats are a brave and defiant bunch proud of their constitutional monarchy and the basic freedoms it grants them.  They won't be intimidated by a monster that is either from Mordor or the Nudist Euro Fascist Clique."

Wuxi Expat Jacques Cousteau is familiar with the Kraken.  "The Krakens are legendary, but real sea monsters of gargantuan size, that dwell off the coasts of Iceland.  However, after the financial crisis hit Iceland, one Kraken was lured in secret, by promises from the Ayatollah of Mordor, to the Wuxi China Expatdom and Lake Taihu.  The Kraken is an animal "the size of a floating island" which can create a whirlpool  after quickly descending back into the ocean. However, this Kraken has evolved and also has giant tentacles which can grab people off ships and shorelines.  It is also said that if it grabbed the largest warship, it could manage to pull it down to the bottom of the ocean."

Wuxi China Expat John Hefner: "Aliens abducted me!"

Patrons at Gambays last night were dumbfounded when John Hefner, Leader of the WCE's Sexpat Party, stumbled in, trembling and incoherent. "I'm befuddled and terrified - outer space creatures kidnapped me!", Hefner wailed.

Hefner said "I'd been up at the Hui Shan Alpine Chateau Ski Club, relaxing with a friend. Then, with my pipe, and bathrobe, I slipped outside for a breath of fresh night-air.  Next thing I knew I awoke in a space-ship. Through the windows I could see the red planet Mars, just below. Strange-looking beings examined my body, and they put a dome-thing with wires on my cranium.

"Some of these creatures, he stammered, "had male characteristics; others appeared to be females - they were hot and gorgeous, except that they had only one eye.  Then I was whisked back to Earth, and the Expatdom, and found myself back on the familiar turf of the 1912 Bar District."

Fortuitously, long-term Expatdom resident, Doctor Ben Casey MD, now retired, happened to be in Gambays. "Give me room, people, I need to examine John, and then develop a well-formed diagnostic-prognostication."

The doctor then carried-out the conventional clinical-procedure for such cases, by first drenching Hefner with cold water, slapping his face, and running a geiger-counter over him.  "Hand me my forceps, and, quickly, a discombobulator!", barked the doctor.

Doctor Ben Casey said he could find nothing physically-wrong with John, "but I worked in close association with psychiatrists at John Hopkins, and so I am qualified to now pronounce my diagnosis."

He said that John's condition was just a mild short-term psychological-impairment, "which, in concise, lay-terminology, is described as 'a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional hyponeural interpersonal atrophy with a history of mutual reinforcement and the facilitation of neural norepinephrine linkages due to a progressively heightened plateau and his prevalent psychobiological reactivity to his prevalent relationships with self and others atypical of sex-addictive disorders' ".

A much-relieved John Hefner was glad to hear that it had all been in his mind, and apologised to everyone for creating a false alarm. He acknowledged that the mental-fatigue of overworking himself for the cause of the Sexpat Party, and the WCE, had been responsible for his hallucinatory-experience. "It's time I slowed-down a bit", he sighed. Bar patrons then resumed their sword-fighting.

Frank Minkleman, brother of Fred Minkleman, offered Hefner a half-priced double-brandy.  "No thanks", Hefner replied, "n'gop'EEP'I'r'l, - I'd prefer a eekz'ow-ak'org'aq'eoylISK na'knDu', please, with a dash of jup'oy'pu'na'w, kuj'v'aDp'ogts".

POSTED BY DIRT.E.HARRIE

Viktor Yanukovych: dynamics of Wuxi China Expatdom-Ukraine relations on the right track.

President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych continues his working visit in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Today the President met with Prime Minister Mango. The leaders discussed bilateral relations, energy security, euro-integration, and development of the joint transport projects.

President  Yanukovych has reassured the Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister that the Ukraine supports Wuxi China Expatdom getting an army, and offers it the Ukraine's support and experience with regard to the possible membership in NATO.

"We had a good meeting. We have discussed possible support of the Ukraine to the Wuxi China Expatdom in its getting closer to NATO, especially now that Ukraine has been having intense talks with NATO with regard to specific agreements", said President Yanukovich after his meeting with Prime Minister Mango.

The Ukrainian President said that "dynamics of Wuxi China Expatdom-Ukraine relations is good. That is, on the right track".

Prime Minister Mango expressed delight at the fact that Ukraine had successfully dealt with certain export problems, and widely supported the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor.

George Clooney to portray a Wuxi China Expat in an upcoming major motion picture.

Clyde Manis, Hollywood and Wuxi China Expatdom film producer, announced that he has signed film star George Clooney to portray a yet-to-be-named Wuxi Expat in a biopic set in the Wuxi China Expatdom and Australia.

Asked who George Clooney was to portray, Manis said he was not at liberty to say at the moment, except to say that Clooney had "the divine attributes" needed to make a portrayal of this certain Wuxi China Expat realistic and completely believable.

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate McClusky claims to have seen the Kraken monster in Lake Taihu.

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate McClusky has claimed to have seen the legendary Kraken in Lake Taihu not far from the WCE Freeport..   Said McClusky  "Below the thunders of the upper deep; far, far beneath in the abysmal lake, its ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep has been interrupted by the mighty throng at the Wuxi China Freeport. The Kraken has awaketh as the faintest sunlights flee.  I saw about his shadowy sides: above him swell, huge sponges of millennial growth and height; and far away into the sickly light, from many a wondrous grot and secret cell numbered and enormous polypi that winnow with giant arms the slumbering green!  There hath would he lain for ages and would have lain battening upon huge sea-worms in his sleep, until the latter fire shall heat the deep.  But now once by man and angels he is to be seen, and in roaring he shall rise and on the surface, many may die."

Assistant Chief Inspector Jack Josephson, says he takes McClusky's reports seriously.  "We are crossing our fingers that the Wuxi China Navy Expatdom Aircraft Carrier carrying Gorzo the Mighty, Harry Callahan and Admiral Lloyd Bridges arrives in time to fight the monster!"

Stones Rolling coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom!

The famous Rockers from England, the Stones Rolling are come to the Wuxi China Expatdom!   They will have a outdoor concert at the 90,000 seat Wuxi Expat Football Stadium at one p.m., July 4.

Singer Jagg Micker, guitarist Richard Keith, Drummer Charlie Amp, with special guests will play all the Rolling's greatest hits including "Cold She is!", "Little Helper of Your Mother", "Car Crash #20",  "My Returns are Diminishing", "I need a roof please", "Get out of my parking spot", "Wind me up", "Satisfied I am not", and "Empathy for Satan".

Crowd awaiting Wuxi China Expat Contingent swells by half a billion at the WCE Freeport.

News of the return of Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty, his Queen Ayira: The Chosen One; Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and Gambay's Pub owner Fred Minkleman has seen the crowd awaiting them at the WCE Freeport on Lake Taihu swell by another half billion people, according to police estimates.  

Assistant Chief Inspector Jack Josephson said the crowd is large (2.5 billion) but is being taken care of by the fine staff at Gambay's Pub, the best Expat pub and catering service in Wuxi, China.  Added Josephson, "It is a well-behaved crowd of true WCE patriots dedicated to constitutional and consensual government!"

Josephson said as well that the WCE Trio has been called out to entertain the crowd.  As well famous rockers The Stones Rolling will make a special appearance as well.

One of the 2.5 billion people waiting, Franz Joseph said the Friday arrival of the WCE Contingent will make the Good Friday Easter day the Best Friday ever.

Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent leaves Hans Island, set to arrive in the WCE in two days.

Satisfied that the Ayatollah of Mordor is in safe, secure custody, and that the arrangements for the trial, of him and other members of his regime, are proceeding to plan, the Wuxi Expat Contingent has left Canada's Hans Island.  The contingent consisting of WCE King Gorzo the Mighty, his Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, WCE Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and Gambay's Pub owner Fred Minkleman, have boarded the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Aircraft Carrier commanded by Admiral Lloyd Bridges.  The WCERN is scheduled to arrive at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport on Lake Taihu at midnight, Friday evening.

All the members of the Wuxi China Expatdom are looking forward to going home after quite an eventful trip which saw the capture of the former King of Wuxi, never-before seen million plus crowds in the sparsely populated Canadian province of Manitoba, the WCE Trio victory in the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest, the pregnancy of Queen Ayira, the first Air Craft Carrier to ever sail in Southwestern Manitoba, and the construction of the Gorzo and Ayira grand canals.  Gorzo the Mighty, seemingly non-plussed by the events and the hype they have generated world-wide, said he would rather have not seen these things done, but he had a covenant with God that he was duty-bound to uphold.  Ayira said she looked forward to washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house, beating U.S. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton in an exhibition boxing match, and then having a baby.  Callahan said that he was looking forward to again manning the beat in the "good ole W.C.E.!", and that he never wanted to sing ever again, saying he got more satisfaction from "putting the fear of God into punks."  Fred Minkleman said he was looking forward to seeing all his pals at Gambay's and continuing the process of reunion with his long-lost brother Frank Minklemen.

English teacher borrows another teacher's pants to teach class.

At HyLite International Language School, history was made as teacher Ricky Nielson borrowed Thomas Beckett's pants to teach a class.

 

Said Nielson, "The fly on my trousers bust during the day.  I was walking to my class when I noticed something felt funny, and I looked down to see my pants front wide open.  I went to my class but was forced to sit down for its' entirety.  Between classes, I tried desperately to fix the pants fly but was having no luck.  The head teacher suggested I wear another teacher's pants which  were left in the teachers' office.  Why the other teacher Thomas Beckett left his pants at his desk is a grand mystery, but it saved the day for me! The pants were a good fit."

Brothers of famous Chinese poets praise Wuxi China Expat poetry scene.

"Reports of the death of the era of the Poetry Superstar are premature" said Dylan Bob, brother of the great 20th Century Chinese Poet Dylan Thomas.  Dylan, or Xiao Bob, as his friends call him, said this after witnessing the superstardom now being enjoyed by the Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate McClusky who recently recited his poet "Ode to My Fork Bessie" for a crowd of over two billion people at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport.

 

Dylan is one of a group of famous Chinese Poets' brothers attending a poetry workshop at the Robert Browning conference room at Gambay's Pub in the 1912 bar district of Wuxi, China.  Brothers also attending are:  Robert Ice, brother of Robert Frost;  EE Gouings, brother of EE Cummings; TH Aden, brother of TH Auden; Lord Churchill, brother of Lord Byron; PS Nellie, brother of PS Shelley; Ezra Kilogram, brother of Ezra Pound; TS Chang, brother of TS Eliot; WB Yang, brother of WB Yeats; and Alfred King Mixer, brother of Alfred Lord Tennyson.  The workshop will run to the end of April.

 

Ezra Kilogram, says the revival of Poetry Superstardom can be attributed to the patronage of Gambay's Pub owner Fred Minkleman, and the far-sighted cultural policies of the Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Said Ezra, "Gorzo's first action as King of the Wuxi Expatdom was to dissolve the culture councils and arts committees set up by the Ayatollah of Mordor.  Nothing destroys true artistic creativity as government involvement.  Gorzo then made another wise move and encouraged Wuxi China Expats to act as patrons for poets of promise.  Poets were made to be accountable to the people who were paying for them.  And a case in point was the Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate, McClusky.  It was Fred Minkleman who took McClusky out of the stalls of the Gambay's washrooms and turned him into a poetry superstar whose picture now graces the wall of many a teenage girl.  In the days of the former King of Wuxi, McClusky would have been given a government grant and pissed it away writing more and more vulgar poetry on public washroom walls."

 

Said WB Yang, "The current Wuxi China Expatdom poetry scene is amazing.  Perhaps the most amazing in human history.  Imagine being in a place with Shakespeare, Yeats, Tennyson, Shelley, Byron, TS Eliot, and thirty other of the great poets of history like the Tang Dynasty Poets -- that is what is happening in the Wuxi China Expatdom now!  McClusky is the first of a whole group of Poetry Superstars to come to world prominence thanks to the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Spartacus inducted into Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame.

The man who brought gladiator chic to the Wuxi China Expatdom has been inducted into the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame.

The induction was announced by WCEHoF commissioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis.  Added Landis, " Spartacus wasn't just a pretty body and face.  It is little known but Spartacus lead a revolt of slaves against the Ayatollah of Mordor.  Many historians now claim that it was the great Wuxi China Expatdom slave revolt that took down the Mordorian Regime.  And of course, who can not forget Spartacus's hat trick in the Expatdom Football Cup Final against Shanghai!"

Patrons at Gambay's Pub when informed of the induction indicated their unanimous approval.  However, fistfights broke out when a few patrons tried to claim that Spartacus had better attributes than Harry Moore.  Some even ran back to their apartments to find their swords, shields, and mini gladiator jumpers before joining in the argument.

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate McClusky recites an ode to his fork.

McClusky, the Poet Laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom, on the occasion of the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor, recited his just recently completed poem, Ode to My Fork Bessie, to the crowd of two billion at the Wuxi Freeport awaiting the return of the Wuxi China Contingent.

 

Wearing his official Poet Laureate's sash, provided through the generousity of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District, McClursky appearance at the Freeport, was wildly applauded by the crowd looking for a distraction from the long boring blowhardish speech being made by Fidel Castro.

 

McClusky recited the following:

 

Bessie, Oh Bessie, Oh Bessie! how I love thee my fork!

I put you Bessie in my mouth along with my pork.

Bessie, my Bessie, helps me create hamolate,

a mixture of ham, egg, apples, and chocolate.

Without Bessie, I would have to use my fingers,

or perhaps the spoon of my neighbours the Klingers.

When I look at Bessie cleaned, I see my happy reflection,

and thank God, I live in the Wuxi China Expatdom nation!

 

The crowd reacted to the poem with unanimous approval, and McClusky was made to recite the poem ten more times.

Former Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Economic Planner Wesley Mouch captured in Paraguay.

From Asuncion, Paraguay, comes news of the capture of Wesley Mouch, Chief Economic Planner in the regime of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the despotic former King of Wuxi.  Mouch was captured by Hans Zimmerman, who had been honeymooning with his underwear, in the Alto Paraguay Department.  It was by coincidence that Zimmerman  and his underwear encountered Mouch.  Mouch had been annoying the locals by strutting around in his black military uniform and high heel shoes at all times of the day.  It was the locals  who summoned the tourist Zimmerman,  who they called the El Greato Wuxi Expato touristo, to save them from the Malingo Peste Economo Stupido.

 

Wesley Mouch is rightly reviled by long time Wuxi China Expats for his stupid economic ideas like monorail, cap and trade policies, one hundred percent public ownership of restaurants, public private partnerships, agriculture subsidies, chocolate marketing boards,  egg marketing boards, high export and import tariffs, aluminum jewelery, wind farms, ice skating on Lake Taihu, public television, cardboard shoes and socks, Keynesian stimulus, and a midget basketball league.

 

Mouch will be taken to the Guantanamo 2 Detention Facility on Canada's Han Island where he will join the Ayatollah of Mordor on trial for crimes committed during the dark times of Wuxi China Expatdom history.

Fidel Castro Makes World's Longest Speech at Lake Taihu

Interrupting a series of social engagements in
the Suzhou Expatdom, the patriarchal Caribbean strongman
strode-purposefully across the lake to the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport,
to address the two billion people awaiting the return of the WCE contingent.

Eschewing modern technologies by using a hand-held megaphone,
("I am not a tool of that baron, Trumpet", he growled), Fidel began by
warning of the dangers of global-cooling, "the greatest moral challenge of my
next two centuries", he chuntered.

His voice a deep, booming basso profundo, he
spent the following 9 hours and 10 minutes in a wide-ranging
discourse on a diversity of topics, including the
filmography of Tom Mix, frogs, nudism, dentistry, goats,
his passionate love for both the Loch Ness Monster
and Governor Michael Dukakis, and also his encyclopedic-
knowledge of everything.

Old-time Wuxi China Expat laments lack of Sadism at Modern Bachelor Parties.

Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton KCMG FRGS  a British explorer, translator, writer, soldier, orientalist, ethnologist, spy, linguist, poet, fencer, diplomat, and Wuxi China Expat attended a bachelor party this weekend in the Expatdom, and afterward lamented the lack of sadism at modern bachelor parties.

 

Said the Captain, "All that happened at this bachelor party was the groom was fed liquor and got sick towards the end of the evening.  Where was the fun, the creativity, and imagination in that?  Why, in my day when I was a young whipper-snapper, we took the ritual of the bachelor party seriously.  We planned seriously for weeks, the coming-of-age and initiation rites of the bachelor party  -- the alcohol and food was an afterthought.  I remember drawing on my experiences as an explorer of barbarian rituals in the great African Lakes when designing the exquisite tortures of the groom. 

 

We established certain bachelor party principles that the younger generation has chosen to ignore.  Number one, the bachelor party is not over till the groom has no body hair.  Number two, the groom has to be tied up.  Number three, the groom has to be publicly humiliated in some way.  Number four, the groom has to hung from a bridge or tree.  Number five, the groom has to spend a night in jail.  Number six, the groom must be bitten by insects.  Number seven, the groom doesn't wear shoes.  Number eight, the groom can only appear in public wearing diapers.  Number nine, the groom must be deprived of sleep for at least 48 hours.  Number ten, the groom must be abandoned on some sort of public transportation to an area with which he is not familiar.  Number eleven:  sheep, chickens, cows, or goats.  And number twelve, every bachelor party must find an original procedure for torturing the groom.

 

Not one of these principles was upheld at the bachelor party, I recently attended.  It was an abomination!  The era of the grand bachelor party is over!  Alas!"

Admiral Bridges Gives Dream Speech

At sea, aboard the WCERN's mega-carrier, Fred Astaire,
Admiral Lloyd Bridges delivered a brief, extemporized - yet tear-inducing,
going-home speech.

"I had a dream", he emoted, "that one day I would
find and catch the Ayatollah of Mordor, and now I can say that
he's chained at last! Chained at last!
Oh Lard-Almighty, he's chained at last!"

Rudd-ren's Official Visit to the WCE, 3.

gan bei-ing at Gambays to celebrate the Ayatollah's capture

".ha-ha!........yeah, and with a gigantic-great chicken
in his mouth, too! Ha-hee-ha-ha-hee-ha-ha-hahhhh!"

Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame to erect a 89m tall statue of Harry Moore.

Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame commissioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis has announced plans to erect an 89m tall statue of Harry Moore on the grounds of the WCEHoF.  

Said Landis, "I feel it is fitting that we honor the first inductee into the WCEHoF with this statue.  Many have complained that the 20 square meter plaque of Moore, the five hour audio-visual tour of Moore's life, the 35 wax figures of Moore at various times in his incredible life, and the virtual tour of his body that we have in the Hall of Fame building aren't enough to honor this great Wuxi Expat."

Asked why the statue wasn't the Chinese traditional height of 88m, Landis said that Moore stood tall among the great religious figures of humanity.

Asked if he expect protest from Wuxi Buddhists and Christians for whom 88m statues of Buddha and Jesus have been erected, Landis said he wasn't worried in the least.  "When they see the 89m Big Harry Moore, with his divine attributes, they will thank the heavens that such a man could exist."

Andis Kaulins Grabs Pole-Position for WCE Grand Prix

Andis Kaulins has scorched around the world-famous Jiefang Road
circuit and will start from grid-position 1 in this Sunday's
annual electric-scooter race.

Organisers of the WCE's GP expect an estimated crowd of around
528,000 race-fans will jostle for vantage-points to watch the race.

A record 6,128 competitors have entered this year's race.

The race involves completing a gruelling 22 laps of the road-circuit.
Andis Kaulins set a new lap record-time of 1 hour 23.2 seconds in yesterday's
qualifying rounds.

Sitting nonchalantly astride his Dong-jiang Nuvolari Mark III, Andis told trackside
reporters that although he was pleased with his time, he believed he
could have gone even quicker. "I encountered an errant wildebeest, grazing contentedly down at the Gongyun chicane. I had to take sudden evasive action to
avoid hitting it - it isn't a good idea to tango at high-speed with large animals
on this course", he said.

In an exclusive-interview with Orient Express, Andis said that he had
heavily-modified his scooter for this year's event. "I've fitted 14 lead acid batteries, 540 volts, and it's now producing a power-rating somewhere in the region
of 3000 watts." "And I've lowered the ground-clearance to a mere 14mm. I usually
over-inflate my tyres too, up to about 648kpa."

"As for myself, I rely upon my nerves of steel. I took last year's winner's laurels, of course, despite crashing-heavily 23 times. The physical-attrition in this race
is a huge challenge - my hands become numb after about five laps. I counter that
by removing my gloves, and then shake them to the left, shake them to the right, and shake them all about", he said.

Andis said that he expected his main rival this year will be Smacker Fitzgibbon,
the drag-queen ace from the Xi-an Expatdom. "But he, she, whatever, doesn't worry me at all. I have more up my sleeve than my arm, y'know", Andis said, with a sly wink.

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Fred Astaire docks at Hans Island.

The WCERN Aircraft Carrier Fred Astaire, carrying the former King of Wuxi and the WCE Contingent that captured him, has arrived at the pier of Canada's Han Island.  The process of putting the Ayatollah of Mordor in the Guantanamo 2 Detention Facility and prepare him for his trail has begun. 

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the Fred Astaire, said the process was onerous but necessary.  "We have to do a full body search, checking all orifices, for hidden chocolate and lard, that the Ayatollah may have on his person.  We have to remove the Ayatollah's old clothing which is toxic, and put him in special self-cleaning prison garb that the scientists of the WCERN have specially developed for this occasion.  It will be years before this clothing can be found on retail markets.  The maximum security cell that the Ayatollah will be detained in will be spartan in nature.  It will have a television but it won't be used to played grade "b" science fiction films -- this is part of the process of civilizing the Ayatollah for his trail.  The Ayatollah claims to hear voices from the planet Zortar calling him.  We are also looking for lawyers willing to defend him in the trail.  Members of O.J. Simpson's Dream Team as well as William Kunstler have been asking to see the Ayatollah.  The Wuxi China Expatdom contingent of King Gorzo the Mighty, Ayira: The Chosen One, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and Gambay's Pub owner Fred Minkleman are overseeing the process.  Once they are satisfied that everything is in order, they plan on returning to the Wuxi China Expatdom on the Fred Astaire.  WCE Police Commissioner Blakelock will then be in charge of Guantanamo 2"

Billions of Wuxi China Expats await arrival of Gorzo, Ayira, Minkleman, and Callahan.

An estimated two billion people have camped out at the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport on Lake Taihu eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent of King Gorzo the Mighty, his Queen Ayira: The Chosen One, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, and Gambay's Pub owner Fred Minkleman. 

 

The crowd doesn't seem to be disconcerted by the fact that the arrival of the WCE Contingent will a few days yet as Gorzo and his co-horts first must go to the Canada's Hans Island to ensure the proper detention of the Ayatollah of Mordor at the Guantanamo 2 Detention Facility.

WCE's Anti-Litter Campaign Targets Smokers

The WCE's Minister for Infrastructure and Flora,
Mrs Mona Beanland, says it's time for harsh new measures
to be implemented to maintain the Expatdom's pristine
environment.

She said that smokers and their butts are "getting worse
as each day passes. Those cigarette vending-machines in Gambays
are probably the root-cause of the problem".

"Every time I go to Gambays, all I see outside are butts, butts,
and more butts!. Mountainous piles of butts. And inside the bar,
why, the floor is literally carpeted in discarded butts", she fumed.

Minister Beanland said that an increased tax on cigarettes was
warranted.

At Gambays, Hans Klingner, who chain-smokes up to sixty cigarettes
every day, said that he was strongly-opposed to such "Draconian
measures", and that the Minister's proposed new regulations were
nonsensical.

"We have twelve cigarette vending-machines here in Gambays, and we
are already paying too much tax on every pack we purchase here", he
said.

"That means that every cigarette I smoke buys another bar of soap in the
Expatdom's public WCs, or maybe a new pencil for one of our schoolkids".

Hans said that "I therefore consider it my patriotic duty to smoke more!".

Wuxi China Expat Monkey Political Party Leaders crisscross the Expatdom to stir up issues.

Headlines from the first day of the Wuxi China Expatdom Monkey election campaign.

The Liberal Monkeys are accusing the Sensible Monkeys of wanting to be a big spending monkey government. 
    

Liberal Monkey Leader Ignatieff says he'd increase spending on things like the Baboon and Chimpanzee and Ape summits, and stop what he says are banana give-aways for large corporations.

But during a stop in Taihu today, Ignatieff was also pressed about Sensible Monkey Party claims that he'd seize power in an opposition coalition (with the Bloc Baboon and Co-operative Chimpanzee Federation) if the Sensible Monkey Party (leading in the polls) win a minority -- and said again there would be no coalition. 

Sensible Monkey Party Leader Cornelius and Co-operative Chimpanzee Federation leader Zaius are taking their election campaigns to Shuo Feng and Yanqiao today.

The Bloc Baboon Leader will be visiting the Baboon stronghold in the 1912 Bar District.

World Leaders praise Wuxi China Expatdom's capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor.

World Leaders were unanimous in their praise for the Wuxi China Expatdom's capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor.

Pope Benedict VXI called the capture "a blessed event."

Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper, took time from his election campaigning, to praise the Wuxi China Expatdom contingent for removing the plague of the Ayatollah from the Canadian mainland.  He added that Canadians, with the exception of those from Ontario, could take great pride in being able to assist the WCE contingent in the capture.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad congratulated the WCE contingent on capturing one of the world's great Satans.

Australian Kevin Rudd praised the capture in perfect mandarin.

Prime Minister David Cameron called the capture the greatest moment in the history of civilized humanity.

U.S. President Barack Obama said that folks in America were very happy about the capture. He said he had phoned Admiral Lloyd Bridges to congratulate him and the WCE contingent of WCE King Gorzo the Mighty, WCE Queen Ayira: The Chosen One, Gambay's owner Fred Minkleman, and WCE Chief Inspector Harry Callahan.  Personally, Obama confessed that he thought about the WCE contingent first, when he awoke in the morning and lastly, before he fell asleep.  With the capture, Obama added that he could rest which was something he hadn't been able to do since the capture drama had started.  He added that Americans could take pride in the fact that they didn't get involved and were on the sidelines watching, and by doing so made a difference in the capture happening.  He said the capture was ultimately a victory for soft power and his foreign policy.

Uncle Vanya Banned from Gambays, And Flees Expatdom

Uncle Vanya Nokimov, recently-arrived from Russia to comfort his exchange student nephew, Little Ollie, has left the WCE, a mere twelve hours after arriving.

The troubles arose after the Russian caused a near-riot in the WCE's foremost bar, Gambays.

Senior bartender of Gambays, Sir Alec Guiness, said that Uncle Vanya was irksome as soon as he entered the bar. "He marched in here arm-in-arm with two baboons, and we straightaway realised that he was a troublemaker", Sir Alec said.

Uncle Vanya then ordered - and consumed - six bottles of Smirnoff. Although capable of only-limited English, Uncle Vanya swore at everyone; complained bitterly that he'd been unable to
find any borscht-eateries in the WCE, and thus had been forced to eat gruel.

Sir Alec said that Uncle Vanya had taken both his shoes off and banged them, repeatedly, on the bar. "We had to throw him out, and he has been banned-for-life." Members of WCE's Russian diaspora said they wanted nothing to do with Uncle Vanya.

An embarassed Iggy Poop, Leader of the Nudist Party, said that he'd informed Uncle Vanya that he should immediately leave the Expatdom, or face deportation. "He left this afternoon, and is believed to be en route back to his Russian motherland, via the trans-Siberian railway".

Iggy Poop said that Uncle Vanya had guested only one night with he and his wife in their apartment. "We're very glad to see the back of him. He smelt pretty-awful, and it will take us at least a week to rid our place of several thousand fleas that Uncle Vanya brought in on him."

Wuxi China Expats jubilant after receiving news of Ayatollah of Mordor's capture.

An estimated two hundred fifty million people gathered in the Wuxi China Expatdom's Harry Memorial Square in an impromptu celebration of the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi wanted for crimes against good taste and chocolate.  Observers of the scene say it is perhaps the greatest party in all of human history. 

An intrepid Orient Express reporter at the square reported the following: "... I see people dancing!  I see strangers kissing each other!  Even the Baboons and Chimps, the French and the Germans, the Palestinians and the Israelis are dancing arm in arm.  I see people kissing photos of King Gozro, Queen Ayira, Fred Minkleman, and Admiral Lloyd Bridges.  Some women are rubbing themselves against photos of Inspector Harry Callahan.  I was just talking with a victim of the Ayatollah of Mordor, Andis Kaulins.  He told me a horrifying story of having his Cadbury chocolate bar absconded from his bag one time by you-know-who!  Another man told me he had seen the Ayatollah in shorts and had to spend a year in a mental trauma unit.  Another Expat told of being kidnapped and made to watch Zombies of Glenmore Part 3 at the Ayatollah's lair.  And while many Expats do have tragic tales to tell from the dark time of the Ayatollah's reign, they do all stress that the Ayatollah should get a fair trail before being punished.  I now hear the crowd singing "For Gorzo's a mighty good fella!" -- surely this is the most people to ever fete a person with that song!  The happiness of these people gives me a tingle up my leg the likes of which I have never felt before -- even when I was in the throes of Mango mania.  I now see a bunch of Wuxi Expats trying to make the longest conga line in human history -- the song they are congaing to sounds like the song that won the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest.  And now three 88 metre tall statues of the former King of Wuxi are being brought into the square -- I assume they mean to tear them down.  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  You will have to excuse me!  Some woman has just offered me her.... Oh My God!..... I'm sorry!  I am going to have to ........  Oh, the humanity! And all the people screaming around here. I told you; —so many people to talk to, all my friends are out there! Ah! It's... it... it's a... ah! I... I can't talk, ladies and gentlemen. Honest: it's just everyone is here, mass of happy people. Ah! And everybody can hardly breathe and talk and the screaming. Lady, I... I... I'm sorry. Honest: I... I can hardly breathe. I... I'm going to step over here, where everyone cannot see us. Gorzo God, that's wonder. Ah, ah... I can't. Listen, folks; I... I'm gonna have to stop for a minute because [indecipherable] I've lost my voice. This is the best thing I've ever witnessed. errr. experienced.."

Wuxi China Expatdom to have a parliament for Monkeys.

Wuxi China Expatdom Human Prime Minister Mango has announced plan to begin the world's first ever monkey parliament.

Elections for the 308 seats in the Wuxi China Expatdom Monkey Parliament will take place on Monday, May 2, 2011.  The leader of the biggest party in the monkey parliament will be the Wuxi China Expatdom's first ever Monkey prime minister.

Wuxi China Expatdom Humans, with the exception of those from Ontario, Canada, are ineligible to run or vote in these monkey elections.

Mango said the Wuxi China Expatdom is giving a monkeys a parliament for the yeoman work done by them in the WCE taxation department.  Monkeys currently man all tariff points of entry to the Expatdom.

The election is expected to be contentious as five major parties compete for seats:  The Monkey Liberals, The Sensible Monkeys, Chimpanzee Co-operative Federation, The Green Ape Party, and the Bloc Orangutan (a separatist party).

Wuxi China Expatdom baboons earning less than chimpanzees.

Shouting and Screaming "Injustice!  Discrimination!  Fascism!", opposition leader Iggy Poop, in a parliamentary question period, said that he had learned that baboons in the 1912 District earned 31 percent less on average than the chimpanzees working in his shadow cabinet.  "For far too long, baboons have been treated like second class citizens in the Expatdom.  This has got to stop!" added Poop, stomping his fist and shoes and head on a table all the while.

Sir Walter Raliegh, Wuxi China Expatdom Minister in charge of non-human employment, answered Poop's question and said if the baboons wanted higher pay, they should work on getting more qualifications.  "I understand," said Raleigh to Poop, "that your chimpanzees have office administration diplomas or sociology degrees!  If these Baboons want to improve their baboon capital I suggest they enroll in many of the wonderful courses there are on offer at the Gorzo the Mighty University for Primates, or at the Ayira Business College."

Members of the governing Naturist party shouted "Hear!  Hear!" while the opposition Nudists shouted "Shame!  Bananas!  Oo!  Oo!  Oo!"

Wuxi China Contingent apprehends the Ayatollah of Mordor.

Faster than one could say "Operation Get the Ayatollah out of his hole!", the Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent of Gorzo the Mighty, Ayira: The Chosen One, Harry Callahan, and Fred Minkleman, got the Ayatollah out of his hole, Admiral Lloyd Bridges told Wuxi's Orient Express in an exclusive interview from Winnipeg, Canada.

Said Bridges:  "It was easy as pie to get the Ayatollah out of his hole.  The Contingent had Fred Minklemen, with his talent for mimcry, sing the theme song for the Royal Winnipeg Ballet Musical Snouts and Entrails"

Clearing his throat, Bridges began to sing the song:

Snouts and Entrails!

It is the good food emotion!

Snouts and Entrails!

It is the full-body rub-down solution!

Snouts and Entrails!

It is the hungry man's best notion!

Yes!  Snout and Entrails,

and all it entails for the man who has a craving

for caramel, chocolate, pork chops, and apples!

I gotta to have my Snouts and Entrails!

Continued, the Admiral:  "Those lyrics, as sung by Minkleman, accompanied by Ayira on violin, and Gorzo on piano, make it was so hard for the Ayatollah to resist.  the former King of Wuxi climbed out of his hole and wanted to dance.  Callahan cuffed him.  The Ayatollah mumbled something along the lines of "The Horror!  The Horror!  The contingent didn't know what he was talking about till Callahan extracted a full rotisserie chicken from the Ayatollah's mouth.  With an empty mouth, the Ayatollah said it was horrible that he had been captured."

Asked what was to be done with the Ayatollah, now that he was in custody the Admiral said: "The plan now is to take him to CFB Shilo where he will be put on the WCERN Air Craft Carrier Fred Astaire.  The Fred Astaire will then take him to the Guantanamo Detention Center 2 on Hans Island which the Canadian Government was kind enough to let us use as the venue for the Ayatollah's eventual trial."

Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent has Ayatollah of Mordor "Holed up"

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Steamboat Joseph Conrad, says that he and the WCE Contingent (King Gorzo, Queen Ayira, Fred Minkleman, and Harry Callahan) have the Ayatollah of Mordor cornered in 40 meter deep hole in Winnipeg, Canada.  Said Admiral Bridges, "We have him in a hole.  We are trying to get him to come out."

Asked how it came to be that the Ayatollah of Mordor hid himself in a 40 meter deep hole, the Admiral had a riveting story to tell:

"After we lost the guide who was to take us to the Ayatollah's lair, we had to find the way there, ourselves.  

Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District, has a talent for mimicry which was why we brought him along.  So we had Minkleman do a Crisco and Chocolate Buzzard call which brought out a hairy, unkempt man who identified himself as Van Der Meer.  

"We asked "Van Der Meer" if he knew the whereabouts of the Ayatollah of Mordor.  This "Van Der Meer" said he had never heard of the Ayatollah.  We found this suspicious.  So, Gorzo then unsheathed a long Oh Henry! chocolate bar from its package, and this "Van Der Meer" began to salivate.  Ayira then brought out a bar of lard, and the man sprang upon her, taking the Crisco and her with him.  He tried to run away from us, but we stayed on his tail.   He then ran up a tree with Ayira and lard.  We offered him another package of lard if he would give us Ayira back.  Thinking he was clever, he asked for another bar of lard.  We gave it to him, without hesitation, and he released Ayira.

With Ayira back to safety, Callahan brought out his badge, and the extraction papers,  and then shouted "Ayatollah!  You are under arrest!  Anything you say won't change the fact of your guilt so best take your punishment like a man!  But first, I want you to listen to my friends Smith and Wesson!"  Callahan fired a full clip, then unloaded the clip and replaced it with another clip which he fired off and then replaced with another, so that in total he fired three full clips of ammo in the air.  Callahan then asked the Ayatollah to guess how many rounds had been fired.  The Ayatollah asked how many rounds were in each clip.  Callahan told him that there were eight.  The Ayatollah then started to count his fingers as he scratched his head.  Looking confused, the Ayatollah, scratched his head, took off his shoes, and counted his toes, before using the calculator on his mobile phone.  After all this counting, the Ayatollah said that twenty two rounds had been fired.  Callahan told the Ayatollah he was wrong, that three times eight was twenty four.  To which the Ayatollah said "Doh!"  

Callahan then reminded the Ayatollah of the fact that he was under arrest, to which the Ayatollah said "you'll never take me alive!" before changing his mind and saying "you'll never take me!"  The Ayatollah then jumped from his tree into a 40 meter deep hole.

We are currently in communication with him, but the Ayatollah claims he is defiant and wishes that we would go away."

Asked how long it would be before the Ayatollah was in custody, Admiral Bridges said "Sooner than later. If he doesn't come out on his own volition.  We have ways of drawing him out!" 

Rudd-ren Begins Official Visit to the WCE 1.

AT THE HARDY HAR HAR KLUB

Kevin sends the ladies into paroxysms of laughter with his
vast-repertoire of baboon-jokes (in fluent Mandarin).

Rudd-ren Begins Official Visit to the WCE 2.

IN THE 1912 BAR DISTRICT
"I'm just keeping my eyes-peeled right now. Harry Moore
warned me that there are frisky baboons hiding around here, but that they come
rushing-out and commit unspeakable acts! Oh Mores!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Contingent approaches Ayatollah of Mordor's Lair.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Steamboat Joseph Conrad that is pursuing the Ayatollah of Mordor, reports that he and his crew have arrived in the Mordorian area of the Winnipeg, Canada

 

In an interview with Orient Express Eye Witness News, Admiral  Bridges said the following:

 

"We have the Joseph Conrad docked, and have entered Mordor.

 

This Mordorian area is a strange land.  It is located in the midst of an urban environment, and yet it seems to be the most isolated place on Earth.  Everywhere, one can see houses made of Smarties boxes, lard statues of Leonard Nimoy, piles of laundry randomly strewn about, and abandoned paperback science fiction novels that are dog-eared and laying cover-upwards beside toilets.  There are also crudely-made signs posted everywhere saying "Big Bro has his eyes on your Chocolate and Crisco." We have so far meet but one person --  Pee Wee Hersailor.

 

This Hersailor is a effeminate combination of lawyer and young adult, with thick saggy jowls and pasty calves. 

 

He had told us that if we played some paper-and-pen games with him, he would take us to the Ayatollah's lair.  These games, he added, would involve having a good knowledge of prime numbers, combinations, permutations, palindromes, chess, and curling -- that was why we brought Ayira: The Chosen One to accompany us.  With four Ph.D.'s, Ayira knows all.

 

While Ayira was playing these games, Gorzo was able to question Hersailor.  We learned that Hersailor was the Ayatollah's number one disciple.  Hersailor and the Ayatollah first meet when they were chosen to do the lead dance together in a Royal Winnipeg Ballet production of Pork Chops and Apple Sauce.  Hersailor boasted that their performance was so successful that the RWB had them dance in a sequel, Snouts and Entrails.  During their time together at RWB, when they weren't performing or rehearsing or learning lines, the Ayatollah and Hersailor talked about food, philosophy, doggie tails, and politics.  They discovered they had a common interest in food and similar political beliefs -- both were admirers of Pierre Trudeau, Fidel Castro, and Mitt Romney.  Hersailor was quite taken with the Ayatollah's idea of an elite ruling class entitled to eat fried foods and chocolate.  This vanguard had a duty to eat chocolate, cake, sweet foods, toffee, licorice, donuts, and caramel treats, said the Ayatollah, so that the proletariat could only eat healthy foods like carrots and celery.

 

Hersailor said that he and the Ayatollah tried to put theory into practice in the Wuxi China Expatdom, but they were thwarted by the efforts of Wuxi Expats like Andis Kaulins, Bishop John Galt, T.E. Lawrence, Pope John Paul II, Teresa of Calcutta, Fred Minkleman, Hans Zimmerman, Harry Moore, Mango, Augustine of Hippo, Lord Nielson, Ronald Reagan, Harlan Sanders, Milton Friedman, Christopher Hitchens, and Samara Yamaguchi.

 

They fled to Winnipeg where they established the Expatdom of Mordor.  They opened a Lard and Ivory trading outpost, and took to making brutal raids of the surrounding territory of competing traders.  The Ayatollah had convinced Hersailor and some  immigrants to worship him as a God.

 

After telling this story, Hersailor laughed madly, then heartily, and then diabolically in alternating high, low, and shrill whines.  He then started to cry, but rallied himself so that he was laughing but it was a fake sort of laugh, you could tell.  Again, Hersailor could not hold back the tears, and cried and then suddenly in a fit of ecstasy yelled Hello Sailor Boy! and How are you squishy squishy aardvark ski doo!  He then cried and started barking like a mad dog.  He then suddenly went lawyer-like and began to drone on and on and on, asking the women of the jury to be his mommy.  Callahan, had about as much of that as he could take, and with his one good arm punched Hersailor all the way to Nunavik.

 

Only problem with that is we don't have a guide now.  As well, we were not able to asceratin the Ayatollah's current state of mind.  We will have to rely on Minkleman's keen sense of smell to track the Ayatollah down and on Gorzo's knowledge of human nature to deal with him when we do!"

Australia's Kevin Rudd Travels to WCE to Join In WCE Trio Celebrations

Australian Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd flew-out of Canberra today on his
way to the WCE. He told the assembled media that it was "a matter
of utmost-importance that I join in the celebrations for the
recently-returned WCE Trio. It is also an opportunity to cement
the relationship between us".

"Wo ze Expatdom. Wo shi Ayaodalliyah laoban", he articulated.

Reverting to English, Minister Rudd said he would prefer not to
comment on the on-going manhunt for the Ayatollah of Mordor.
"It is not a matter of protocol for me to intrude into
such matters", he said. "However", he continued, "I've been in contact with my Canadian counterpart, PM Stephen Harper, and representatives of the
RCMP. They are keeping-me fully-briefed, hourly, on the increasingly-tense
situation that is unfolding there."

Minister Rudd said that the cause of justice is not a negotiable-instrument.
He said that the current Expatdom-Australian relationship "reflects a mature,
pro-active, productive, progresssive, peaceful, and mutually-beneficial
bond between our peoples."

Rudd said that during the regime of the former KoW, that that precious-relationship had been de-stabilized and threatened, and had "in fact, sunk to an all-time low."

"What the former KoW had forgotten", Minister Rudd went on, "was that leadership is somewhat like a finely-crafted, well-tuned, Stradivarius violin - and it must be played with due-respect, even reverence. The Expatdom's former leader had instead 'played' leadership like a wildly-wailing gee-tar!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Inspector Harry Callahan injured in ambush attack on WCERN Joseph Conrad.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges, commander of the WCERN Steamboat Joseph Conrad, in an exclusive interview with Orient Express, done via satellite phone, has revealed that it was crew member WCE Inspector Harry Callahan who was injured when their boat was ambushed by lard-arrow shooting ruffians.  The Joseph Conrad is currently cruising the Assiniboine River to Winnipeg to apprehend the former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor, who is wanted in connection with  crimes that have been committed against good taste and chocolate in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

 

Said Admiral Bridges, "Callahan's two legs, right arm, and fibula were broken in the ambush.  However, Callahan is not letting this stop him from doing all the heavy duties on the steamboat.  In fact, Callahan, using his one good arm, was able to capture all the ruffians who ambushed us.  They have provided useful intelligence about where the Ayatollah of Mordor is currently hiding."

Wuxi Expat wears stilts when using the toilet.

Former movie star, and now English Teacher Wuxi Expat Tom Cruise has taken to wearing stilts when he uses western "sitting" toilets.

 

The diminutive Expat, who is only four and a half feet tall,  became tired of being called "Little Has Been" and "Tiny Tom" by his fellow English teachers, and as well being called "Xiao Di Di" and "Xiao Pengyou" by his students. He, in desparation, took to wearing 18 inch high stilts.  Later, he read of the benefits of squatting to poo which included no hemorrhoids and smoother exiting stools, and so realized that no longer would he have to take off his stilts and climb on the toilet seat.  Said Cruise, "It was a revelation to know that I could just walk over the toilet, using my stilts, and squat to do my business!"

 

Added Cruise, "Nothing puts an end to short jokes like reminding my fellow teachers about lack Preparation H in China!!"

Wuxi China Prime Minister Mango says the answer to the world's problems is blowing in the wind.

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, in response to questions from Opposition Leader Iggy Poop, said that the answer to the world's problems was "blowing in the wind."

 

During question period of a rare Sunday session of the Wuxi China Expatdom parliament, Nudist Poop asked Naturist PM Mango 'How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man? And how many seas must a white dove sail, before she sleeps in the sand?  And how many times must the cannonballs fly, before they are forever banned?"

 

PM Mango responded, "The answer, my honorable friend, is blowing in the wind.  The answer is blowing in the wind!"

 

Poop, the leader of the Opposition Nudist Party continued to press the PM, asking "How many years must a mountain exist, before it is washed to the sea?  And how many years can some people exist, before they're allowed to be free?   And how many times can a man turn his head, and pretend that he just doesn't see?  And how many times must a man look up, before he can see the sky?  And how many years must one man have, before he can hear people cry?  And how many deaths will it take till he knows, that too many people have died?"

 

Prime Minster Mango, leader of the Naturist Party responded, "Wonderful questions, most honorable Poop!  But again, I say the answer, all my friends, is blowing in the wind.  The answer is blowing in the wind!  The winds of the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Little Ollie "Not Very Happy" in the WCE

The advancement of public education was one of
but-many sweeping reforms introduced by PM Mango when he
assumed high-office last year.
Education in the WCE had been badly-neglected (some
have described it as 'criminal-neglect') during the
regime of the former KoW.

A student-exchange program has now been instituted,
the 'Student Abroad Program', or SAP.

Ten day's ago Nudist Party Leader Iggy Poop's teenage
daughter, Dottie, travelled to Russia, to spend three months
studying at the Anton Checkhov Institute, in Tomsk.

Mr and Mrs Poop reciprocated by hosting a young Russian boy,
Oleg (Ollie) Nokimov, who arrived in the Expatdom last week.

Last night on a WCE Radio-4UE's talkback program, little Ollie
was interviewed by the evergreen host, Edgar Cronkite (no relation).

In an emotional, at-times heart-rending dialogue, young Ollie said
that whilst he was grateful for the opoortunity to live and study in the
WCE, he was struggling with pangs of homesickness.

"I like this Expatdom", he snuffled, "but nobody here seems to like
playing chess. I never hear any balalaika music anywhere here, and there are
no old movies about Rasputin, or Sputniks, on your TV channels!".

Also, looking out my bedroom window at Mr and Mrs Poop's home, I see
fields of green - don't you have beautiful views of cadmium smelters like
we have back home, here?".
He told host Cronkite that there is one thing that he does enjoy here in the WCE.
"Yes, I love all those adorable monkeys you have here, down in
your Nineteen Thousand and Twelve Bar street!".

This morning Iggy Poop said that he had been in contact with little Ollie's family,
in Russia to discuss the boy's unhappiness. Poop said that the boy's
uncle, Vanya, would be arriving in the WCE in the next few days.

"Uncle Vanya", Poop went on, "hails from Leningrad. He is coming here to
assist with little Ollie's adjustment to life here in the WCE. Also,
Uncle Vanya will be keen to meet with fellow Russians who we already
have living here in the Expatdom."

Iggy Poop said that he knew very little about Uncle Vanya. "Oh, but on the 'phone, Vanya did say that he'd once shaken hands with former Premier Kruschev".

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Steamboat Joseph Conrad reportedly attacked.

For a day, the crew of the WCERN Joseph Conard had to wait for fog to clear before they could continue their journey on the Assiniboine River to Winnipeg, and the lair of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi wanted for crimes against good taste and chocolate. 

 

When the fog did clear, the Joseph Conrad was reportedly attacked by an unseen group, who shot lard arrows from the safety of a nearby forest.  Details are unclear, but it is said that one of the Joseph Conrad's crew was injured in the attack.  No word on who was injured.  The crew consists of WCERN Admiral Lloyd Bridges; Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom; his Queen Ayira: The Chosen One;  Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan; and Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay's Pub in Wuxi's 1912 Bar District.

Bishop John Galt inducted into Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame

"Who is Bishop John Galt?" 

 

Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame Commisioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis asked this question before announcing the latest Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame induction:  Bishop John Galt.

 

The bishop, whose character inspired Ayn Rand to write the novel Atlas Shrugged, created his real-life "Galt's Gulch" in the Wuxi China Expatdom in the early 1930's.  Then, he created his hideaway for Chinese escaping Japanese persecution.  When the Japanese surrendered to the Allied powers in 1945, he thought it was safe to close the Gulch.  But the spectre of Soviet Communism controlling Eastern Europe arose and he has had to keep the Gulch operating and hidden every since.  Recently, efforts by the former King of Wuxi and the Obama administration to bring about collectivism 2.0 has seen more of the world's creative leaders, including inventors, artists and businessmen, join in the bishop's efforts to "stop the motor of the world" and bring about the collapse of the collectivist society.  The result has been the Wuxi China Expatdom -- the happiest place on Earth!

 

Galt, a pious Catholic, was also a great baseball and cricket player.  As a baseball pitcher, he had a career record of 373 wins and 188 losses, 2507 strikeouts, and a 2.13 ERA.  As a cricketeer, he  recorded over 11,000 test runs (avg 55), over 11,000 ODI runs (avg 46), 263 test wickets (avg 31), 254 ODI wickets (avg 32).

 

Wuxi Expats from England, America, and the Catholic Church all expressed surprise that the Bishop was a giant in three fields of human endeavour.  They all knew he was great in one, some two, but none, three.  Said Landis, "It shows what a great compartimentalizer the Bishop was; as well as showing the man's supreme humility in the face of evidence that he shouldn't be!"