Last night, at a special plenipotentiary meeting of the WCE's
committee assembly of the cabinet of the legislature, held in Gambays'
oak-lined Special Plenipotentiary Committee Assembly of The Cabinet of the
Legislature Conference Room, PM Mango presented the survey results of the Expatdom's
Safari Tours.
"The tours have been operating for six months now. We were keen to
know how well our tours have been received by visitors to our Expatdom.
We needed someone to take charge of this venture, and our own Hall of Famer,
Major T.E.Lawrence, suggested we appoint his CO, General Allenby.
"Whilst not an expert on wild beasts, General Allenby is a first-class administrator.
He travels here to the Expatdom twice each month, from his HQ in Damascus,
where he is engaged in negotiations with King Feisal, and the Howitat.
I'll now hand over to General Allenby and he will deliver his report".
General Allenby:- "Thank-you very much indeed, your Excellency, most gracious indeed.
I thoroughly enjoy my part-time tasks here in the WCE. It gives me a chance to catch-up with my Major Lawrence - although I don't know him well.
"I base my assesment, and report to you, on the "Give Us Your Feedback" forms that we place inside all the tour buses, and I study these very carefully indeed. The Safari Tours have proven most succesful, I'm delighted to tell you.
An average of 228,000 tourists a day come here to view the jolly fine animals that are roaming the WCE's inner city, an suburbs.
"Operations have proceeded smoothly, however I have had to deal with a couple of minor problems. One of the Tour Bus drivers, Blatislavic Hatzimokosnoscu, was a troublesome fellow, forever upsetting our guests, and generally a lazy type of chap. I called him into my office, and told him that "you are undisciplined.....unpunctual.....untidy. Your CV shows that you have
a knowledge of music....knowledge of literature.....knowledge of a great many things. You are an interesting man, there's no doubt about that. But I'm relieving you of your duties here forthwith - I can't abide a man who fails to salute me and who is dashed insubordinate" " Strange thing is, Allenby said, "is that although I had to fire that man, there was something else. What then?, I asked myself, and then, realised that I, well, I enjoyed it."
"I'll now read out a sampling of the tourist's survey forms, and copies will be distributed to you all afterwards.
(Reads) :-
- "Miss Carrie Okey, Tokyo: "Beautiful and lovely. I was inspired to sing one of my favourite songs, 'a-wimmerway, a-wimmerway, a-wimmerway, woo-oo-oo, oo-oo, oo, a-wimmerway, in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight, a-wimmerway, a-wimmerway, oo-oo, oo, a-oo-oo-oo, a-wimmerway'.
- "
- "Mike Raffone, paper clip designer, Yorkshire, UK: "Not bad at all.I was
enchanted watching all those vultures feasting on scraps of chicken in your Zhongshan Loo"
- "Pope Benedict XVI, Rome: "Beatus bestia, et beatus decorue WCE popule".
- "Kam-Jung Dung-Ill,Pyongyang: "Rerease the panthers!"
- "Bishop Desmond Tutu, coach, WWE Tough Enough: "All magnificent. But your lions - very scruffy and unwashed, no pride at all. Can you not run them through a carwash?"
- "Hilary C.,NY, DC, and all over the world: "Very, very impressive. But all those
baboons in your 1912 Bar District - oh my gravy, don't they do anything else but fornicate?!! Though seeing that reminded me to phone my husband, back home, to ask if everything was OK".
General Allenby: "So, all in all, a damned-fine report-card, in my opinion. I congratulate you all in the Expatdom. PM Mango, Your Excellency, Sir, will you now
join me for a gin and tonic in the Officers' Mess downstairs, I brought our Foreign
Office chap, Mr Dryden, with me, and we'd enjoy sitting down for a chat with you".
General Allenby, with his cap and swagger stick, and PM Mango, then left the Special Plenipotentiary......................
This is god damn fine writing.
ReplyDeleteI salute the son of bitch who wrote it.