Wuxi China Expatdom King tells his subjects to take off their work boots and put on their slippers

Hearing about a speech U.S. President Barack Obama made to a group of black congressman, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty told his subjects that it was okay for them to take off their work boots and put on their slippers.  

Said his majesty: "Wuxi China Expatdomites have worked hard in the past few years, restoring the Expatdom to its place among the great nations of the Earth -- a position we lost when the Expatdom was in the clutches of the Ayatollah of Mordor.  We have increased the GDP by a factor of a million in the time since we deposed the former King of Wuxi.  We now have a GDP ten times larger than the rest of world combined.  I think we can relax.  We have worked hard.  Heck, we can even complain about sore joints and muscle aches.  We have earned it  It just goes to show you that Obama has been appealing too long to the lazy and indolent.  Telling his followers to take off their slippers is a good start.  Although I don't see why he can't have them put on their work boots.  Who wears marching shoes these days?"

The King of the Wuxi China Expatdom made his speech in reaction to President Obama who told Black Congressman to "take off their slippers and put on their marching shoes."

Swedish Bikini Team Rescued!

At a packed press conference, held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force, Karl Malden announced that the Swedish Bikini Team has finally been located and rescued from the tunnels beneath the Wuxi train station.

Malden gave credit to Wonder Woman, wife of Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, for locating the missing Swedish Vixens:

 "Wonder Woman was with the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League when she decided to look behind a door that said: "Don't disturb.  Orient Express and the Swedish Bikini Team aren't in here!"  Until now, everyone had heeded the sign and didn't look behind the door.  I guess you will have to credit her female intuition.

Anyway, she looked behind the door and found the Swedish Bikini Team playing twister and hanky-spanky with intrepid Wuxi China Expatdom reporter Orient Express.

Orient Express was in a bit of daze and didn't react at all to being found.  The girls laughed and wondered what had taken so long."

Asked if the rescue of the Swedish Bikini Team in such an undramatic manner would affect Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 memorabilia sales, Malden said there were plans to make movies about the rescue, and the  things that Orient Express and the Swedish girls did together before being rescued.  "As well," said Malden, "we have all our production facilities ready to make Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic memorabilia.  For now that the Swedish Bikini Team have been found, the 2011 Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic can begin!"

Wuxi Expat has artificial arm stolen by seemingly innocent countryside girl.

Juston Short, brother of Wuxi Expats Duston and Easton Short, had his artificial arm stolen on the weekend after he picked up a dodgy girl at the Chestnut Pub.

Juston Short, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Wuxi China Expatdom blog that he was at the Chestnut Pub when a big-eyed local girl, with floppy breasts and painted-on jeans, approached him and asked him if he wanted to come to her hotel room.

Said Short:  "I was very excited at the opportunity of being able to get it on with this girl, who told me she had just been in Wuxi for a week after living in a Sichuan mountain village for all of her twenty one previous years.  We took a taxi to the Green Tree Inn in the Wuxi New District near the Baseball Stadium.  She took me to the penthouse suite.  As soon as we entered the room and she had undone one button on her blouse, I was already naked.  She seductively got me to let her tie me to the bed.  When she saw I had an artificial arm, she got me to take it off.  She then put the arm between her pert breasts.  She then asked if me I had a lot of money and when I said I didn't, she said something about all foreigners being the same.  She collected my clothes as well as my artificial arm and left the hotel suite in a huff.  I was stuck in the hotel room, tied to the bed, for ten hours.  When the hotel staff finally discovered me, they made me paid the bill for the room and the sheets I soiled because I wasn't able to get to the bathroom."

When asked how he could have fallen prey to the same girl who taken his brother's wooden leg and glass eye, after being lured to a hotel room, the third Short brother said he remembered his brothers telling him about their experiences but never "made the connection."

Harry Moore elected President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society

Harry Moore was elected the new president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society at its annual convention held at Wuxi's Landlord Stadium in the New District.  Moore won the presidency on the twelfth ballot of  the most highly contested and bitter presidential elections in WCEFAS history.

Coming into the convention, Moore had won the most primary votes but was unable to achieve a majority on the ballot till eleven other candidates dropped out.  Moore was seen as the leader of the appreciation of film as a fan faction of the society: the Popcorn faction.  Their rival faction consisted of film society members who saw film appreciation as really film appreciation with a social conscience: these anarchist Marxist fascist neo-cubist logical positivist realists (the Amfnclprers) fought Moore's nomination all the way saying that Moore's popcorn appreciation of film was dangerous, simple-minded, and could result in nuclear war with space aliens.  A third faction: the Blue filmers, though commanding a very small portion of the society membership, found themselves holding the balance of power in this election -- they wanted films with lots of nudity.  But unlike the Popcorn faction which had coalesced around Moore's charismatic leadership, the other factions were split into many sub-factions that it took the many ballots of the convention to sort out.

The convention was marred by angry taunting and violence between the Popcorners and the Amfnclprers.  At one point, the two factions fought a pitched battle involving tanks, artillery, mortars, and hand-to-hand fighting that resulted in 40,000 deaths.

Once the dust, debris, and corpses were cleared, voting on the convention's twelfth ballot took place and Moore finally secured a majority of votes to get the presidency.  He was able to sway undecided members of the Blue film faction by telling them how much he loved Pamela Anderson.

At his acceptance speech, Moore thanked the Popcorn and Blue film factioners and offered an olive branch to the Amfnclprers saying they were welcome to come watch movies with him as long as they promised not to do a frame-by-frame analysis of each film until everyone had seen the film at normal speed at least once.  He also asked that the people who died at the convention be remembered and that a memorial to them be built at Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

 

Moore's agenda, during his two year term as WCEFAS president, will be to bring back fun to film-viewing.  Said Moore: "Many Wuxi Expats take their film-watching far too seriously.  Who will ever forget the battle that occurred last year over the merits of the films of Quentin Tarantino in which 200 people were injured!  I agree that a sick person sees art in what Tarantino does, but that doesn't mean you have to hit the person on the head with a baseball or cricket bat!  I just want to be able to go to the cinema, buy a big tub of popcorn, and forget to think for two hours.  Though on a serious note, I will be canvassing for capital punishment those who talk, whether to their companion or on their mobile phone, during the movie!"

 

Presidency of the WCEFAS is considered to be one of the ten more important positions in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  The other positions of Expatdom importance include the Kingship, the Prime Ministership, the Presidency of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association, Ownership of Gambay's Pub, Ownership of the Chestnut Pub, the Poet Laureatacy, being the parent of Tony Kaulins, and the head bloggership of the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog.

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: All-star benefit concert is smash success as search reaches "critical juncture"

Despite the fact that the Swedish Bikini Team still hasn't been located, Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Expeditionary Force that is overseeing the search, was in a good mood because of the Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 All-Star Benefit Concert held at Harry Moore Memorial Square Diamond last week.  Malden, beaming with great pride, announced that the concert,  broadcast live in over 160 countries on Earth and every known part of the Universe, was viewed by a record 87 zillion intelligent beings and raised 1.2 trillion dollars, through ticket and memorabilia sales, making it the greatest all-star benefit concert of all time.

Every known popular musical act of any consequence in all of human history, whether alive or dead, was able to take part in the concert because of a newly-developed time travel technology.  The concert's grand finale featured Ella Fitzgerald, Bono, Mick Jagger, Frank Sinatra, Peter Townsend, the Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Billie Holliday, Dean Martin, Inspector Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio, and ABBA performing an eclectic version of Amazing Grace accompanied by the Wuxi China Expat strip team Dazzle, featuring Dennis Gorman, Andis Kaulins, Zach Landon, Harry Moore, and Kung-Fu legend Bruce Lee, performing a co-ordinated male strip tease.  The finale was declared a instant classic by observers who said they were "were blown away" by the amazing display of musical talent and male virility.

The search for the Swedish Bikini Team, however, was at a critical juncture, said commander Malden, who said that the approaching October holidays in China will make the Wuxi train station a very crowded place.  "We need to find the team before the holiday.  The first week of October the train station will be far too crowded for a search to be conducted!"

The Swedish Bikini Team has been missing for over a month.  Coming to Wuxi to participate in the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic, the Swedes entered the underground tunnels of the new renovated Wuxi train station and have not been seen since.

Close call for Wuxi China Expat Couple

Harry Moore, the best-selling author in human history and a Wuxi Expat of considerable import, had a close call that nearly saw him go through a divorce.

Moore, who has been married to his laptop for nearly a year, recently spilled liquid on its keyboard.  The marriage was in serious jeopardy as Moore found he couldn't type on the laptop.

He was about to head to the Wuxi China Expatdom registrar of divorces when his daughter gave him a keyboard which he could connect to the laptop.

Able to again type of his companion of the year-past, Moore achieve a reconciliation, and tore up his divorce application.

Had Moore gone through with the divorce, he would have been only the second human to have divorced an inanimate object in the year since the Wuxi China Expatdom passed it revolutionary law allowing human -- inanimate object marriage.

The first divorce involved Duston Short, English teacher and midget sumo wrestler, who divorced his Tofu Man tights after he was unable to consummate the marriage.

Andis Kaulins elected president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association

Andis Kaulins, stunned the world, by winning an election to become the president of the ten million member Wuxi Expat Rifle Association (WERA), succeeding its first president Charlton Heston.

 

Kaulins, a long-time English teacher and blogger in the Wuxi China Expatdom, won the election with seventy percent of the vote taking all the votes in the Wuxi China Expatdom Electoral College.  The Wuxi Rifle Expatdom Rifle Association presidency is considered to be the third most important elected position in the Expatdom behind Wuxi China Expatdom Kingship and the Expatdom Prime Ministership.

 

At his election headquarters, Kaulins told a cheering crowd of supporters that he wanted, from now on, to be referred to as "El Presidente", and that he would do his best to further enhance the gun rights of Wuxi China Expatdomites.  President-elect Kaulins praised Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty for adopting laws favourable to gun rights advocates, and he further hoped that his majesty would support his proposal for mandatory gun ownership among all Wuxi Expats. 

 

"A well-armed society is a polite society" shouted Kaulins as he ended his victory speech.

Wuxi Expat has glass eye stolen by seemingly innocent countryside person

Another English Teacher has had an artificial body part stolen by a person announcing themselves to be " a good countryside person."

 

This time it was Easton Short, twin brother of Duston Short, who lost his glass eye to a girl, who on the pretext of being an "easy lay", lured Short to a hotel room where the eye was stolen.

 

Short, who wished to be anonymous, said he meet the girl in Nanchang Temple Market:

 

"She asked me if I wanted to have coffee with her, an innocent countryside girl, so she could practice her English.  She was hot, so I said of course.  Being short, squat, and troll-looking, there was no way I was going to say no to this girl.  I could never have such a chick back in Ontario, Canada. 

 

We had coffee at an expensive coffee joint at the Nikkei Hotel near the Nanchang market, and she then took me to a room upstairs.  I was thinking to myself that this was the sort of thing that just happened to my brother Duston.  But then I thought that it couldn't be.  This chick was the real deal, unlike the one Duston encountered.

 

In the hotel room, she made me take off my clothes, and then used them to tie me to the bedposts.  I thought it was exotic that an innocent countryside girl could be into bondage.  She then became fascinated with my glass eye.  I offered it to her to play with.  She took it; and demurely and slowly licked my eyeball with her tongue.  I was in ecstasy and passed out from the excitement.

 

The next thing I knew, I was awoken by hotel staff two days later, and handed a bill by the hotel staff.  The girl and my eyeball were long gone!"

Charlton Heston inducted into The Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame

Charlton Heston, former president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association and the Moses of the early Wuxi China Expatdomites, has been inducted into the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame, announced WCEHOF commissioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis.

Landis cited two great accomplishments of Heston during the induction announcement: Heston's longtime and strong advocacy for gun rights for Wuxi China Expatdom residents, and Heston's role in the Exodus from the Ayatollah of Mordor where the waters of Taihu were parted.

Said Landis about Charlton Heston‘s time as WCERA president:

"One of the first things the Ayatollah of Mordor did during his tyrannical period as the King of Wuxi was to seize all the guns from the free Wuxi China Expatdomites. The WCERA was forced to go underground -- building secret shooting ranges; concealing firearms in their undershorts, and printing gun rights pamphlets that never failed to inflame the Mordorian regime. I would say that next to Gorzo the Mighty, it was my friend Chuck Heston who sounded loudest, the clarions of freedom during the dark times of the reign of the former King of Wuxi. Chuck was imprisoned several times and forced to watch grade "b" science fiction and horror films with the Ayatollah of Mordor because of his firm and never-wavering support for Wuxi Expat gun rights!

Heston, as we all know, as an infant was found floating in a basket floating down the Grand Canal by a Wuxi China Expatdom princess who decided to adopt him against the firm desires of the Ayatollah of Mordor who wanted all the original Wuxi China Expadomites to be expelled from the Expatdom and replaced by Mordorian Orcs and Grade "B" Science Fiction Fans. Heston found himself forced to live with people, who had they known who he was, would have wanted him gone and unfree. As it was, he was a slave, forced by the Ayatollah to think like a brain-dead Liberal Democrat.

But, Heston could not live the lie that his life had become. One day, as he was watching Starship Troopers on DVD, the player burned and he saw the image of Gorzo the Mighty speaking to him. Heston learned that the Ayatollah of Mordor was not his father. Heston also learned of his destiny to lead the Wuxi China Expatdomites away from the Expatdom towards Ma Shan to live in exile till the Ayatollah of Mordor was deposed.

After many bouts of prison and forced grade "b" science fiction watchings, Heston gathered the Expadomites to the shores of Taihu. They were going to catch the #88 bus to get to Ma Shan, but the Ayatollah of Mordor somehow found out about their plans. The Ayatollah sent his meanest ruffians, dressed as Klingons and Chocolate Caramel Balls, to subdue the fleeing Wuxi China Expatdomites. With the #88 bus nowhere to be seen, the fleeing Expatdomites had no choice but to ask Charlton Heston to reprise his role as Moses in the Ten Commandments, and part the waters of Taihu. Praying to Gorzo, Heston was able to do just that. And as a bonus, a special sidewalk was built so the Expadomites didn't get their shoes muddy. They got to Ma Shan in no time and, of course, the forces of the Ayatollah were drowned as they got halfway across the lake. Thus, was the great story of the parting of Taihu added to the annals of Expatdom history.

And of course, the promised land of the Wuxi China Expatdom was returned to its freedom loving Expatdomites! All Wuxi Expats owe a enormous debt of gratitude to Charlton Heston!"

Roller Derby is coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom!

In what was probably the most exciting thing to happen to the Wuxi China Expatdom since the deposing of the Ayatollah of Mordor; the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor; Mango Mania; the coronation of King Gorzo the Mighty; the marriage of Gorzo the Mighty and Princess Ayria: The Chosen One; the Wuxi Red Guards winning the Super Duper Bowl; the election of the first Monkey Parliament; the capture of the Kraken in Lake Taihu; the launching of the Wuxi China Expatdom's tenth aircraft carrier; the victory of Harry Callahan and the Wuxi Expatdom Trio at the World Expatdom Vision Contest in Brandon, Canada; the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy sailing to Shilo, Manitoba; the search for the Swedish Bikini Team in the tunnels of the Wuxi train station; the marriage of Prime Minister Mango and Wonder Woman; the coup d'etat that installed a military junta as the Wuxi China Expatdom opposition party; the two inductions of Harry Moore into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame; the inductions of TE Lawrence, Rush Limbaugh, Tony Kaulins, Andis Kaulins in the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame; Queen Ayria's three boxing victories over Hilary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama; the opening of a wildlife safari park in the 1912 Bar District; and the return of Doc Delaney to his chiropractor practice; Wuxi China Expatdom entrepreneur Marvin Monroe announced that the Wuxi China Expatdom has been awarded a franchise in the World Roller Derby Association which will begin play in 2012.  Over the next few months, a contest will be held to determine the team's name.

 

Said Monroe at a press conference held in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub:

 

"I am proud to tell you that smash mouth, smash head, Roller Derby excitement is coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom!  By being awarded a franchise in the World Roller Derby Association, the Expatdom and Wuxi China will be part of the world's first truly global professional sports league.  Along with the Expatdom, the World Roller Derby Association will have teams in London, Paris, Des Moines, Philadelphia, Baghdad, Tehran, Tokyo, Moscow, Cairo, Sydney, Manila, Winnipeg, Berlin, Warsaw, Oslo, Copenhagen, New York, Seattle, Regina, Moose Jaw, Manchester, Cork, Cardiff, Dublin, Edinburgh, Mexico City, Guatemala, Santiago, Havana, Brasilia, Lima, Shanghai, Chong Ching, Hefei, Saigon, New Delhi, Montreal, Rome, Athens, Madrid, Vienna, and Taipei!

 

Already, great athletes and great individuals, from other fields of achievement, have agreed to join the league.  The Super Bowl Champion Green Packers, half the English Premiership, the entire Australian Rules Football League, the participants in the Rugby World Cup, the Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins, the Vancouver Canucks, the entire Canadian Football League, the top two division of Italian Soccer, the Premier Liga, 15 Nobel Prize Winners, Lady Gaga, U2, JK Rowling, Brad Pitt, the entire senate of New York State, Joe Biden, the Black Caucus of the United States Congress, half the work staff at the Jet Propulsion Labratory, NASA, author Harry Moore, Stripper Zach Landon, half the Communist Party of China, three quarters of the Berlin Philharmonic, the top one hundred Ping Pong players in China, Steven Spielburg, Richard Dawkins, Paul Krugman, Stephen Hawking, Leftist English teacher Tom Butler, New Gingrich, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Terry Pickett, and Mick Jagger have agreed to join the league and give up their normal professions.  There is a rumour, which I won't say is not true, that President Barack Obama is thinking of not running for a second-term as U.S. President and instead joining our league.  Already Michelle Obama has pledged to skate for our Washington D.C. franchise!

 

Construction of the Wuxi China Expatdom Roller Derby Palace has begun.  It will be the largest stadium in the Expatom with seats for four million spectators!"

 

 

Wuxi China Expatdomites, who are not ones to be bereft of excitement, expressed the most passionate of enthusiasm when hearing the news that Roller Derby was coming to the Expatom.  Andis Kaulins, who told stories of watching Team Canada and Skinny Mini Miller in the 1970s, said he might reach into his deep pockets and buy season tickets.  "I can have my son Tony sit on my lap so I only need to buy two tickets for me and my wife."

Duston Short Refuses Lucky Strikes; Undergoing Brain Treatment

WCE English teacher Duston Short created mayhem at Gambays' Pub last night.
When offered a (reduced-price) Lucky Strike by owner Fred Minkleman, the Ontarion Expat Short, declined. He said that he'd been a Marlboro-man since the age of six months, and that he'd neither fight nor switch -ever.

Bar patrons reacted by expressing their amazement, shock, dismay, incredulity,
disbelief, bewilderment, confusion, and flabbergastedness.

Fearful for Duston Short's health, sanity, and wellbeing, Fred Minkleman
instantly arranged for Short to be transported to the Expatdom's Skull And Brain Examination Clinic.
There, the specialist medical staff wasted no time in assessing Duston Short, and
investigating his astonishing failure to accept a Lucky Strike.

Senior clinician Dr Martin Boorman urgently ordered that Duston's head be X-rayed. Using 5 million radioactive rontgens, the X-rays failed to reveal any trace of gray matter.

Proceeding to a CAT-scan, Dr Boorman, gripping the struggling tomcat tightly,
rubbed the reluctant mouse-catcher all over Duston Short's cranium, but again nothing
was found inside.

Dr Boorman said that thus there were two options. Cranial surgery could be performed on Duston Short, and two dozen Lucky Strikes, - lit, dropped into Short's
empty cavity, as a means of inducing an insatiable craving for Lucky Strikes.
Dr Boorman said that the other option was to arrange for a brain transplant.
He said "there are dozens of available brains being carried around the Expatdom by their owners, many wastefully ossifying through total mental inactivity. We must have an unused donor-brain for this procedure, so we'll need to be very choosy".
"Let's think of someone suitable", he said.
Consulting his medical thesaurus, Dr Boorman paused in silent reflection, genuflection, concentration and meditation for several moments, then turned to his colleagues and asked if Harry Moore might be located in the vicinity.

Wuxi Expat has his artificial leg stolen by seemingly innocent countryside girl

A Wuxi Expat who thought he had found a countryside girl he could easily seduce, instead had his special designed wooden leg stolen by the girl.

 

English Teacher and part-time Chestnut Pub employee Duston Short, who wished to remain anonymous, was the Expat victimized. 

 

Short, who is also the midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom told the following story: 

 

"I saw this girl with come-hither innocent eyes tell me she was good countryside people and that she wanted to have an English conversation with me.  I said "of course", thinking I could get in on with this girl no problem.  Jezebel had the sweetest eyes and fit into her jeans perfectly.  So I took her to the Chestnut Pub.

 

I bought her some drinks which I, of course, put on my Chestnut Pub tab -- I can pay that off on payday.  Jezebel had a hard time drinking the  Barcardi Breezer I got her.  I was thinking to myself:  easy meat!  Tipsily, or so it seemed, Jezebel said she wanted to go for a walk.  She could have told me to jump in a lake at that point.  I was willing to follow her to the ends of the earth!  Talking to her, I thought I had meet a girl who was innocent as the pure snow and just as gullible.  Jezebel told me she had only been in the city for a week and that she had lived in the mountains of Sichuan and so never had been to the city.

 

After finishing my drink quickly, we then left the pub and went for a walk.  We walked to the canal.  We then walked along the canal.  She snuggled close to me.  She held my hand.  She then took me to the Courtyard Marriot where she said she was staying.  I was in ecstasy.

 

In her room, it only took me fifteen seconds to get my tongue down her mouth.   We laid on the bed.  She undressed me.  Seeing my wooden leg, she indicated that she wanted to look at it.  I naturally agreed.  I took it off for her.  Her curiosity to me seemed to be pure innocence.  I imagined marrying her and forever being her protector -- at least, until I could find another conquest.

 

After examining my wooden leg with the keenest interest, she told me she had a grandmother with a leg missing.  She then took my wooden leg and rubbed between her tiny breasts and then sucked the knee joint.  God, I was excited!

 

But then she threw the leg down and looked at me sternly.  I suddenly was overcome with fear.  This girl holding my leg had complete power over me!  For without my leg, I couldn't move.

 

She asked me if I had money!  I told her I didn't.  She then, in perfect English, said she wasn't sleeping with me for free.  She wanted money.

 

When I told her again that I didn't have any money, she put my wooden leg in her bag and walked out.  I was stuck in the room and no one came to help me till it was past checkout time.  I was, as usual, late for work, and stuck with a two day hotel bill to boot.  And I will need to get a new wooden leg!"

 

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan had no sympathy for Short after hearing the story.  "That dumb punk will never learns.  Serves him right!"

 

 

Wuxi China Expatdom torturer finds it impossible to get Lucky Strike smokers to switch

Vasili Blokhin, a long-time Wuxi China Expat from Russia and the former chief interrogator for Joseph Stalin and the former King of Wuxi: the Ayatollah of Mordor, says he find it nigh impossible to get Lucky Strike smokers to switch brands. Says Blokhin: "It is easy to get Lucky Strike smokers to confess to the most fictional and ridiculous of crimes against the great leaders and to submit them to month long interrogations involving all sorts of mental and physical pain; but ask them to switch cigarette brands and they think it is an imposition!"

Ask him what it is about Lucky Striker cigarettes that makes the smokers thereof resistant to pain that would drive others mad, and Blokhin says that "Lucky Strike Cigarettes uses only the freshest hand-picked tobacco which results in a cigarette with better flavour."

Blokhin, who currently works as a doorman at the Chestnut Pub and as a sales rep for Camel cigarettes, says he might become a Lucky Strike smoker himself. "One time, I broke a Lucky Strike smoker's pelvis in seventeen places and he wouldn't switch to Camels! So surprised was I that I accidentally took a drag of one of his Lucky Strikes, and all I can say was MMMM! MMM! Mmmmm! What fresh and authentic flavour!"

Longtime Wuxi Expat treats newcomer's liking of Wuxi, China with disdain.

 Longtime Wuxi China Expat Doctor Norman Bethune says he hates newbies. 

 

"They come here off a jet plane, and have a coffee in Starbucks and tell you how much they love China!" started Bethune on his rant.  "Then they go shopping at Parkson's or Wuxi Yaohan or the new Nanchang Market to bring back "souvies" for their family.  "Oh! Oh!  Look at me!  I'm in China.  I love it!  The Chinese got their eye on the ball!  They are focused!  They are looking for ways to succeed!"   -- these newbilicles go on!  Drives me mad.  I hate these people!  They don't know the real China!  When I came here, I got off a boat!  You couldn't find bacon.  Few people had cars.  It was authentic!  There were no newbies!"

 

Bethune has had the Wuxi China Expatdom's longest running general practice.  "You can come to us for your pediatric needs!" screamed Bethune.  "Just remember, you are a newbie!  So keep your place.  Only I am allowed to regale you with anecdotes from having been in the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Wuxi China Expatdom builds world's biggest 9/11 memorial

To mark the 10th anniversary of the 9/11/2001 terrorist attacks on the United States, King Gorzo of the Wuxi China Expatdom unveiled the world's largest 9/11 memorial.

On the memorial site, which is twice the size of ground zero and located in the Hui Shan District of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty unveiled two twin towers, eight times the size of the original World Trade Center towers, named "Freedom" and "Unity"; and two exact replica copies of the original twin towers named "America" and "Quality." Said King Gorzo the Mighty: "I leave it to you to figure out the reasoning behind the naming the buildings "F, U, A, and Q."

Said His Majesty: "Wuxi China Expats, with the exception of wicked miserable types, will never forget the anger they felt when they heard the news that terrible day in September 2011."

WCE Trio Searching for Some Bee-Bop-A-Lula

For the past week, the WCE Trio have been spending late-night
brain-storming sessions, in their Gambays' backstage dressing rooms.
The trio, Neils Bohr - flute; Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis - piano and bagpiper,
and Hans Klinger - harp, have been playing to dimished audiences (sometimes nobody),
and feel that it's time that they re-form themselves and search-out new musical styles.

Hans Klinger said: "Even our title is uninspiring. And we could start by
re-naming ourselves to something funky".

Landis wants the Trio expanded. "We need some percussion. A drummer
would give us something to set the beat. I've been improvising the drum sounds, and it tires me out. I have to voice those 'ta-sish' cymbals, make lots of rat-tat-tat-tats, and also the deep 'whoomp-ka-BOOMS' of the bass drum".

Neils Bohr said "we need to post advertisements all over the Expatdom, like "strummers, drummers, and groovy tromb-bones players wanted".

Hans wants the Trio to look for a different image. "We need to look like
a band. ZZ-Top look sophisticated. The Stones wear genital-squeezer jeans. Maybe we could try wearing some outrageous gear?".

Neils agreed, and suggested that they wear loon-pants, or skirts, and thus project a transgender image.

But the trio can't decide which musical genre might bring the packed-house crowds back. They've considered Tex-Mex, rock-a-billygoat rock, folk, blues,calypso, and various other styles.

The WCE Trio have been given one week to revamp themselves. PM Mango said that suggestions are needed from Expats. Personally, Mango believes that a
142-piece Glenn Miller-type big band would bring back the swing.

To be continued........

Wuxi Red Guards outlast New Orleans Saints 42-34 in NFL Opener.

Disguised as the Green Bay Packers, the Wuxi Red Guards beat the New Orleans Saints 42-34 at Green Bay's home field to open the 2011 NFL Season. 

 

Wearing a special suit that makes him look exactly like Aaron Rodgers, Red Guard Rabbi Benjamin Blech threw three touchdown passes in a stirring performance that now has many putting Aaron Rodgers on a NFL Quarterback version of Mount Rushmore with the likes Drew Brees and Tom Brady. 

 

After the game, Rabbi Blech told the Wuxi Sporting News that he was happy with his performance given the fact that he was stuck in a body suit.  Said Blech:  "My thighs and arms are much more muscular than Rodgers, so I was felt really constrained when making passes."

 

But stealing the show was Rabbi Yonason Goldson who, dressed in a Randall Cobb suit, had a spectacular NFL debut for the Red Guards.  Goldson, the chief Rabbi at the Nanchang Synagogue, caught a touchdown from Rabbi Blech and ran a kickoff back 108 yards for a score in the third quarter — tying an NFL record for the longest kickoff return in history, set by New England's Ellis Hobbs in September 2007.

"It was amazing," Rabbi Goldson said. "The feeling of being in Lambeau Field and just having all of the Red Guards around me coming off of the Super Duper Bowl and just trying to do anything I can to contribute, and I certainly tried to make the most of my opportunities."

Blech, Goldson, and the rest of the Red Guards would not say what NFL team they would disguise themselves as in week two of the NFL season.  They offered no comment to rumours that they may disguise themselves as Australia or New Zealand in the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: Search to resume after all-star benefit concert

Karl Malden, Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force that is overseeing Swedish Bikini Team Search Update 2011, announced, at a packed press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub, that the search for the Bikini Team will resume after an all-star benefit concert to be held at Harry Moore Memorial Square Gold on Monday evening.

 

The search for the Swedish Bikini team, who had gone missing in the tunnels below the newly-expanded Wuxi Train Station, had been delayed by the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League, the Expatdom's superhero organization, having to attend the marriage of Wonder Woman and Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango; and the induction ceremony of Andis Kaulins into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame.

 

Malden seemed beside himself with ebullience, such that his hair was effulgent, when talking about the search's memorabilia sales, the all-star benefit concert, and the resumption of the search.  Said a beaming Malden:  "Sales of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 memorabilia have exceeded the U.S. federal government debt.  As of last night, we have sold more than 14 trillion U.S. dollars in SBTS 2011 gear!  The most popular item has been the Poolside Harry Moore -- 2012 Swedish Bikini Team Calendar box set.  I expect that after the all-star benefit concert for the Swedish Bikini Team;  featuring the likes of:  the surviving members of the Who, Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lady Gaga, Ringo Starr, Tony Bennett, Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio, the Eagles, the Wuxi China Expatdom Male Strip Team Dazzle with Harry Moore, Chuck Norris, Wonder Woman, and Shania Twain; that sales will exceed 20 trillion!  And then having the Wuxi China Expatdom League of Justice:  including Wonder Woman, Green Algae Man, Barefoot Peasant Doctor, the Wuxi Sexpat Flasher, Panda Man, Panda Girl, Panda Boy, Ontario Body Odour Boy, Red Typhoon, Brick Man, Harry Moore, Rush Limbaugh, Jesuit Jet Stream, Andis Kaulins, Inspector Harry Callahan, Mort Sahl, Acid, Captain Marvelous, Mango, the Iron Bladder, Alcohol Man, Captain Baijoe, Stinky Tofu Man, and dozens of others; involved in the search  sales will hit 25 trillion!"

 

The search for the missing Swedish Team Team will resume on Tuesday.

Wuxi China Expat receives praise for his manner of death

Geralde Departethieu, a Frenchman reviled around the Wuxi China Expatdom for being a stereotypical Frenchman, has received praise from even the most hardened anti-French quarters of the Expatdom for the manner of his death.  Departethieu, who had been manager of a factory in Wuxi, died after being attacked by a Doberman Pinscher that had only recently been brought to the factory for security.  Departethieu was reportedly bitten in the groin area by the dog, and so bled to death in an excruciatingly painful manner.

 

Fred Minkleman, owner of the best Expat pub in the Wuxi China Expatdom: Gambay's, recalled that Departethieu had visited his pub twice before being permanently banned.  Said Minkleman:  "Departethieu was an asshole, a really rude fuck.  Your typical Frenchman.  But you got to hand it to him for dying in the way he did.  As Leslie Nielson said:  Having you nuts bitten off by a Doberman Pinscher!  Now, that's a way to die!"

 

Steven Droop, owner of the Chestnut pub, said that Departethieu came to his pub four times before being banned.  Said Droop:  "Departethieu was a real cunt.  He must have been a French waiter before.  But you got to hand it to him for dying in the way he did.  I have known people to die of excessive diarrhea!"

 

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango said that the death of the Frenchman was good for the Expatdom.  Said PM Mango:  "Losing a Frenchman is no loss at all.  Let's face it.  The fewer Frenchman we have in the Expatdom, the better off it, and all civilized humanity, would be.  But you got to hand to the guy for the way he died.  Having your balls bit off by a big dog!  That's the way to die!"

 

Mark Beckham, an English Military Historian and Wuxi Expat, said he never thought he would anything good to say about the French.  Said Beckham:  "The usual manner of violent death for a Frenchman is to be shot in the back while running away from a German Soldier, so you have to hand it to Departethieu for facing the attacker that eventually killed him." 

 

Lord McClusky, Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate, said he was going to compose a poem about Departethieu's death.  "I have known people to die from excessive drinking, liver failure, gout, miner's lung, grout, mold, mildew, bronchitis, having their head stuck a toilet, sipping toilet water, being caught in bed with farm animals, snake bites, bee stings, cat scratch fever, choking on dust bunnies, sleeping the wrong way, golfer's knee, sleeping near the blades of a combine harvester, sticking their heads in wasp's nests, and warts; and compared to these Departethieu's manner of death is sublime and deserving of an ode!  I can think of lots of words that rhyme with dog, bite, nuts, death, and blood!"

 

However, praiseworthy as Departethieu's death was, none of the Wuxi Expats said they would go to Departethieu's funeral.  Said Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club owner Willy Aardvark Crazy Kook Yakushev Hardy:  "Come on!  Funerals are about celebrating the life of a person, not his death.  It would be very uncomely for most of us to go.  And besides, the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic will have its opening ceremonies the same time as the funeral!  Va Va Voom!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Longtime Wuxi Expat resents other Expats living in his apartment complex

Wuxi Expat Hans Beerbaum, who has lived in Wuxi's Wu Ai Jia Yuan apartment for over ten years now, says he resents the fact that other Expats are living in his complex.

Said Beerbaum: "For the longest time, I was the only foreigner in the complex.  I had the run of the place. I was the Laowai!  I was on my island with a thousand natives.  I was like Lawrence of Arabia without the need to go to war.  Everywhere I went around the complex, the locals would smile at me!  And then these interlopers, these carpetbaggers, these English-teaching scumbags came in. They would live at Wu Ai for a year and move on. The year of their presence was an eternity of purgatory for me.  For while they were there, they were taking local's attention away from me who more clearly deserved it.  And then they would invite their other scumbagish, overweight friends sipping Starbucks and waddling like hippos,on account of having big butts. You could tell they spent their time in their home countries hanging out at the Shopping Mall or the Burger Shack.  I could overhear them saying "Oh in Nanjing, you must check out the super restaurant serving Spaghetti-O's they got and you notice how the locals how are so homogenous and how I miss my Macoroini and Spicey Cheese and is it a shame that you can't find cottage cheese anywhere!"  Arrggh!!!  I felt I was back in my home country from which I had tried to escape."

Lawrence Misses Andis Kaulins' Induction But Begins Celebrating Anyway

Major T.E. Lawrence: "Why, why? Why is it that I had to go riding-off
into the desert, and so I wasn't here for the
ceremony! Wahhhhhh!

Colonel Harry Brighton: "Now look here, Lawrence, old chap, no need
for getting yourself all worked-up. You're back here in
Gambays now, so cheer up!"

Lawrence: "No! Andis will never ever-ever-ever forgive me!".

Brighton: "It's all perfectly understandable. And, The Ceremony was filmed
by 28 Super Panavision 70s. It will begin screening next week at the
Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, so you can see every second of it!. Harry
Moore, and Sir David, are just putting the finishing-touches to the
editing, right at this moment!".

Lawrence: "Great! In that case, I'll have two more lemonades, please, Fred, with
lots of ice! And, I'm desperate for a smoke - has anyone here
got some Camels?".

Wuxi China Expatdom's Australian Expats First To Begin Celebrating Andis Kaulins' Induction

Harry Moore said that none of the three people shown here are him.

"No", Harry said, "I abstain completely from alcohol. But I'm delirious that Andis has taken his place in the Hall of Fame. I'm feeling intoxicated just thinking about that!". "I am breaking my teetotal commitment on this occasion, and have bought several cases of soda water."

"And I've just spoken to Kevin Rudd. A five-day holiday has been declared in Australia - Andis Kaulins Week. Also, in deference to this historic event, all of Australia's brown snakes and white pointer sharks have agreed not to bite anyone anymore.

Harry Moore added: "If the Wuxi China Expatdom should last for a thousand years, people will say, 'This was it's finest hour'."

Harry has rushed-out to buy 446 copies of the three-disc Special Edition Blu-Ray DVD, "Woman Walks Her Dog - The Andis Cut". And he is adding another 127 gold-framed portraits of Andis to the walls of his apartment, to complement the 226,000 Andis (in 3D) pictures he already has.

Wuxi China Expat has the world's most effulgent hair

Harry Moore, two-time inductee into the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame, author of the most popular book in human history, confidante to King Gorzo the Mighty, Australia's greatest ever Wuxi Expat, the greatest Australian baseball player and cricketer of all-time, the world's foremost expect on the films of David Lean, and international action and historical-romance film star, has had his hair voted the most effulgent by the Vidal Sasson Academy of Hair in Paris, France (Le Vidal Sasson Acadmie des Cheveux).

David Cousteau-Valour, president of the Vidal Sasson Institute, praised Moore's hair saying it was "shiny brilliant and resplendent." Cousteau-Valour added that Moore's effulgent hair was surprising given his supreme male virility which is like that of Chuck Norris, Steve McQueen, and Clint Eastwood. " Usually, effulgence is something we associate with pretty boys, jolie garcons, not with men of Monsieur Moore's level of gravitas. So, Monsieur Moore's effulgence of hair is paradigm-shattering. No longer will men be considered either ruggedly handsome or pretty-boyish. Monsieur Moore transcends these two old categories by his very existence. It is possible to be both manly-handsome and sublime-looking."

Asked about his hair-care secrets, Moore humbly insisted that he didn't have any. " Ah!! Really I am too busy, living my life, to think about my hair. I guess I could say: "Live ebulliently and the effulgence will follow." But, truly, all credit for the award goes to my barber and true blue mate Crocidile Jacko, who cuts my hair every Wednesday. He sometimes rubs a special mixture of vegemite and bryl cream into my hair. No hair worries for a week after I visit Jacko!"

Andis Kaulins Inducted Into Wuxi China Expatdom Hall Of Fame

For the past ten days, Expats, foreign dignitaries, and
media representatives have been making their way into the central
district of the Wuxi China Expatdom, - and today the moment they'd been waiting for arrived.

Some 40 billion people (somehow) gathered at the corner of
Zhongshan and Xuegian, to witness the Induction Ceremony of Andis Kaulins into the
Hall of Fame.

There was high-drama before the ceremony began. WCHOF curator, Kennesaw
"Hui Shan" Landis, staggered under the weight of the Andis Kaulins Induction Speech,
526,780 pages, and was unable to scale atop the towering scaffolding that had been
erected as the address-podium.
Harry Moore rushed to Landis' aid, and together they carried the 28 bound-volume speech to the top of the tower.

A visibly-emotional and breathless Landis said "I just don't know where to begin in narrating the Andis Kaulins biography." However, after being pumped with several cylinders of oxygen and amphetamines, Landis at last began the speech.

"Andis Kaulins is a towering figure in the WCE. He has been here from the time when Wuxi was a mere village, and has played a monumental role in building the Expatdom into the biggest, most-advanced Expatdom there ever was, and is likely to ever be, anywhere.

"Andis began his life on the prairies of Manitoba. A prodigy, he advanced directly from primary school Year 3 to the University of Winnipeg. In his sophomore year, Andis showed his flair for macro-economic theory by revising every written work of Milton Friedman - converting Friedman into an apostle of the laissez-faire.
Andis graduated, magna cum laude, as both a Doctor of Economics, AND Emeritus Professor of Advanced Linguistics.

"At his Alma mater, during one mid-semester break, Andis learnt that the Montreal Olympics was about to begin, so he ran all the way from Winnipeg to Montreal, thereby winning Gold in the men's marathon in the process.

"In Montreal, Andis went on to garner a record 226 Gold medals, un-matched to this day. He out-swam Mark Spitz. He out-decathloned Bruce Jenner. He
out-skated Torvill and Dean. He KO'd Sugar Ray Leonard 3-seconds into the first round. And he out-ran Princess Anne - on her horse.

"At that time, Andis singlehandedly played a part in re-writing the
history of modern Canada. Infuriated by the Fabianistical ethos of the tyrant,
Pierre Trudeau, Andis sneaked, unnoticed, into a grand reception for visiting
Headless of State Nicolaue Ceauseskew. Covertly, Andis slipped a whoopee-cushion on Pierre Trudeau's chair. "Merde!", shrieked a humiliated Trudeau, outraging the Canadian populace, and from that day forth, Trudeau began his inexorable slide into public-life oblivion.

"Arriving as the first English teacher in the Expatdom, Andis initially held an influential position as Lord Chamberlain to the former KoW.
But then, he was instrumental in the eventual dethroning of the criminal sovereign, exposing him as the Ayatollah of Mordor. Andis said "At first I never suspected that the Emperor had no clothes. But when he unexpectedly appeared at my front door, nude, well, I saw his true colours, and shortcomings."

"In the Expatdom", Landis continued, "Andis' accomplishments
are far too numerous to read-out here. But, here are but a few:"

- author; photographer; triple-Grammy vocalist; and of course,
an auteur whose films have been viewed by more people than can even be estimated!
, 'Th
"Andis began his cinema-photographic career early, as Second Unit
Director on the set of "Top Hat - The Remake", and few people know that it was in fact Andis' winged-feet, filmed in close-up, that appear in that movie.

"Here in the Expatdom, in 2007, Andis filmed the blockbuster "Woman Walks Her Dog", hailed by Otto Preminger, William Wyler, David Selznik, and
David Lean as, quote, 'The landmark of all cinema of all time'.

"Andis' other accomplishments here include an un-matched triple
Grand-Prix wins (electric scooter) on the tortuous Jiefang street-circuit, earning him the accolade "Colossus of Roads".

"His other sporting-triumphs, to list just a few, include:
- out-batting DiMaggio, nailing 3,376 homers;
- out-hockeying Bobby Orr; prior to leaving Manitoba, Andis
made 257,000 appearances in NHL regular season with 28 million
goals, 12 million assists and 98,515 points.

"Of course, Andis is also recognised as the finest English teacher
in all Expatdoms, anywhere, in the history of the language.
Harry Moore, the Boswell to Andis Kaulins, recalls: "One day I was sitting down with Andis (I was proud to be his whiteboard-wiper), and said to him: "Andis, you are the greatest teacher who ever lived, a film-maker, author, singer, advisor to Gorzo the Mighty - tell me, how do you DO all these things?!".
"Superbly", Andis replied.

Harry Moore told of the day when a female student said to him: "Harry, you're a teacher of some class!". "No, no, not all, I scoffed, laughingly, (pointing to Andis) "I stood on the shoulder of a giant!". My student, Harry continued, spontaneously emoted, of Andis: "I did but see him passing by, but I will love him until I die." Harry Moore then broke-down and wept unashamedly.
"So will I!", sobbed Harry.

Landis then lavished praise on Andis' seminal book, the complete
guide to teaching English. "Even the title of Andis' 14-volume text is pure-poetry: "From The Halls To Monty's Zoomer; From Balta To Malta (To Hell With Yalta), and From The Kama To Sutra".
Before Landis could deliver the induction-pronouncement (superfluous), on a pre-arranged secret signal, the crowd of 40 billion placed
on their top hats, put on their white ties, and their tails, and carried Andis, on their shoulders all the way to Taihu, in an unprecedented scene redolent of a
Roman triumph. The celebration partying is expected to continue for at least three months.

Wuxi China Expat Novelist Harry Moore to write prose for the Poolside Dazzle Book

Dazzle, the 2011 Wuxi China Expatdom male strip team champions, have agreed to participate in a joint-publishing venture with author Harry Moore.  Moore, who posed for the photos and wrote all the prose for Poolside Harry Moore -- the best selling book in human history, has agreed to write the prose accompanying the Poolside Dazzle -- a picture book featuring photos of Dazzle members Dennis Gorman, Andis Kaulins, and Zach Landon posing beside a swimming pool in various stages of undress.

 

Moore, who had earned a reputation for being magnanimous in his moments of supreme glory, has recently proved himself to be the most noble runner-up in the history of human competition.  Said Moore: "I am, above all else, a supporter of human achievement, and if there is something I can do to assist this worthy goal, whether, by my individual efforts or by helping rivals with great potential, I will do it, even it means not being in the limelight.  I am happy to share the limelight!  Heck, I am even happy to give up the limelight to a more worthy rival."

 

Moore is beside himself in excitement for the Dazzle Poolside Hm Project. "I believe that  the Poolside Dazzle Hm project will be the greatest collaborative artistic effort in human history. It is the sequel to my effort, and if it becomes more popular than my book -- well so be it!   I am rendered humble at the enormous responsibility I am undertaking in writing the prose for this book!"

Wuxi Jaywalkers beat Suzhou Green Hats to clinch CEBL South Pennant

The Wuxi Jaywakers clinched the South Division Pennant of the China Expat Baseball League with a 8-3 victory over the Suzhou Green Hats in the final game of their three-game series held at the Wuxi's Landlord Stadium.  Rabbi Yissocher Frand lead the Jaywalker offence getting four hits in five at-bats, hitting a home run, and driving in four runs.  Rabbi Aron Tendler, after a slow start, pitched six perfect innings before being relieved by Rabbi Yehudah Prero  for the ninth inning.

 

With the Jaywalkers magic number to clinch the South Division Title at one, an overflow crowd of 250,000 fans, including Prime Minister Mango and His Majesty the King of the Wuxi Expatdom: Gorzo the Mighty, packed WL Stadium on Sunday afternoon to witness hoping to witness pennant clinching celebrations.  The huge throng, of Jaywalker fans, was stunned into an early silence as ace pitcher Tendler, the odds-on favorite to win the CEBL Cy Young Award for best pitcher, uncharacteristically allowed three runs over the first two innings to give the Green Hats a 3-0 lead.

 

But Tendler settled down to pitch perfect innings for the third to eighth innings.  The Jaywalker offence, also uncharacteristically slow at the start, begin to show its usual hitting prowess as the game went on.  The Jaywalkers never looked back as Shortstop's Rabbi Label Lam's run-scoring double in the top of the fifth game put the Jaywalkers ahead for good.

 

By the top of the ninth inning, the 250,000 Jaywalker fans, who had been eerily silent for the first two innings, were besides themselves in ecstasy.  Their boos and whistles had become lusty cheers, loud enough to be heard in the Suzhou Expatdom.  Many fans, who hadn't come to the game in a naturist mode already, proceeded to rip off their clothes.  When Rabbi Yehudah Prero got Green Hat Shortstop Mister Robinson to ground out to first base to end the game, the fans streaked onto to the field to celebrate.

 

Asked to explain his slow start, Jaywalker pitcher Rabbi Aron Tendler said that he had become so absorbed in his weekly Torah reading that he forgot about his pitching.  Said Tendler; "I was reading Bereshith 12:18-19 where Pharaoh summoned Avraham and said, How could you do this to me? Why didn't you tell me that she was your wife? Why did you say that she was your sister, that I would take her to myself as a wife? Now here is your wife! Take her and go!  Pharaoh admitted that Avraham had done the right thing in telling his subjects that Sarah was his sister (since he knew that the Egyptians were an immoral people). Yet it angered Pharaoh that Avraham had told him the same story, for he felt that he himself could have been trusted to act morally. Avraham made no response to this, for although Pharaoh considered himself completely righteous, the truth is that he was no different from his subjects. It is very easy to detect someone else's faults, but detecting one's own shortcomings is very difficult indeed. In most cases, when one person criticizes another, he himself suffers from the same problem he is complaining about in the other person. Since he is well aware of all of the behind the scenes' factors which cause him to act that way, it is very easy for him to justify his own actions. When it comes to someone else, since we are not aware of all of the background information about their lives, it is difficult to view their actions in the same light as our own. Once, following a very inspiring lecture, someone who had come to hear the Rav went to speak with him privately. In the course of their dialogue it became clear to the Rav that the person speaking to him needed to work on the very problem he had addressed in his lecture. As they were finishing their conversation the listener thanked the Rav for his appropriate words, explaining that although they did not apply to him, he was aware that many members of the audience needed to hear what he had to say. The Shach was once summoned to a beith din, and the beith din decided in favor of the other party. Surprised by the ruling, the Shach pointed out to the judges a number of commentaries that supported his position. The judges responded that the halachah does not follow those opinions; rather we rule according to other opinions, which the Shach himself had ruled as the halachah. Convinced that he was right in this case, the Shach forgot that he was disagreeing with his own position! If it is natural for a person to be blind to his own faults, how can anyone ever come to recognize the truth about himself? If a person is searching for the truth and genuinely wishes to know it, then God will reveal to him what his weak points are, and will help him to correct them...  That was a heavy lesson, as you can tell, and so it was hard to pitch till I settled down.  So in awe I was of this teaching."

The Wuxi Jaywalkers will meet the North Division Pennant winner in the China Expat Baseball League World Series.  Currently, the Beijing Green Caps and the Tianjin Luse Maozi are tied for first place in a race that will surely be decided on the final day of the season.

Wuxi China Expatdom now has Colonscopy Specialist

Doctor Billy Carter has opened the Inner Tickle Medical Clinic at the corners of Zhongshan and Xueqian Streets in downtown Wuxi, China. Inner Tickle is the first clinic in the Wuxi China Expatdom to provide colonscopy service. "We can perform an endoscopic examination of the colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube that we stick up your how-you-do," said Doctor Carter, "or we can have a pretty local girl or boy, your choice, do the examination manually! And all for a low, low price of 149 rmb -- 249 for two examinations!"

Doctor Carter added on a personal note that he was "reasonably certain that he would never touch a bottle of liquor again", and that the trouble he had in America "was a thing of the past" -- he having come to China to put "that" behind him.

Wuxi Expats, the Expatdom over, welcomed the news. One Expat, Duston Short said that "forward look me to have my colon given a look at. Lately my poos have been so difficult and I have been school late for work because and so always changing schools!"

One former Wuxi China Expat, Robert Downy Jr., said that he wouldn't have left if he had known you could get colonscopies in the Expatdom.

Dazzle wins the Wuxi China Expatdom Male Strip Team Championship

Dazzle, a three-man male strip team from HyLite International English School, has won the 2011 Wuxi China Expatdom Male Strip Team Championship.  Dazzle will represent the Wuxi China Expatdom at the World Expatdom Male Strip Team Championship to be held in December in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada.

Dazzle wowed a crowd of 300,000 at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District with their final performance in the WCE Strip Team Competition-- a strip tease performed to Frank Sinatra's Summer Wind.  The performance garnered perfect marks from all the judges, including the North Korean, Mordorian, and East German.  By winning, Dazzle pulled off one of history's greatest strip competition upsets.  Punters from all over the world had stopped taking bets on the competition.  Not of them thought that Dazzle could beat the Chuck Norris -- Harry Callahan -- Harry Moore Experience.  But that was what Dazzle did.

Harry Moore, captain of the Chuck Norris -- Harry Callahan -- Harry Moore Experience was gracious in defeat.  Said Moore:  "Choosing to strip to Lady Gaga's Poker Face was a big tactical mistake on our part.  But let's face it, Dazzle are the way of the future.  What we witnessed today was a passing of the guard in the male striptease competition world.  We were the world champions thirty years running, so we have nothing to be ashamed of today.  I wish Dazzle all the best in the 2011 Worlds.  They must remember that not only are they representing the Wuxi China Expatdom, they are representing the hopes of free man everywhere in the universe!"

The members of Dazzle:  Dennis Gorman, Andis Kaulins, and Zach Landon, are English teachers at HyLite International English School.

Wuxi Expat wishes locals would make "mmm boy oy oy oy" sound

Mel Blanc, long-time Wuxi Expat and English Teacher as well as a voice-over artiste, hates the sound of Wuxi local dialect.  Says Blanc:  "It sounds like caterwallling and screeching mixed with the sounds of your stomach during a bout of indigestion.  I can see why the locals say "swearing in Suzhou Dialect sounds more sweet than love lyrics in Wuxi Dialect."

Blanc has made it his mission in life to make the Wuxi local dialect sound better.  He first wants to get the locals to say "mmm boy oy oy oy!" instead of "anuff!"  Said Blanc: "nothing is more off-putting than teasing the locals and they respond with "anuff!" -- it makes even the most lovely girl seem brutish. "anuff" is how the locals exclaim in surprise."

Asked how his mission was proceeding, Blanc said "You can't change China over night.  You have to change it one person at a time."  

Blanc then performed a role play with his protege Liu.  Blanc said in Chinese to Liu "Have you eaten your clothes?"  Liu responded "mmm boy oy oy oy!  I don't eat clothes."