His Holiness has unveiled the Vatican's plans to honour the birthday of the Wuxi China Expatdom's pre-eminent English teacher, Andis Kaulins.
Addressing a congregation of 800 million people, the Pontiff said that he and the College of Cardinals have spent months considering a suitable gift.
"Here, in the Sistine Chapel", said the Pontiff, "we will have paintings of Andis Kaulins added to the fresco-decorated walls and ceiling". "There are ample empty spaces where the portraits of Andis Kaulins will be painted".
The Pontiff said that these will be the Vatican's tribute to the wisdom, courage, devotion,
magnanimity and learning of Andis Kaulins. "The original artist", the Pope said, "is now in semi-retirement, and it is unlikely that we will be able to re-hire him for the task".
"However, Archduke Harry Moore, when he returns from Mars, will render the portraits".
"Andis Kaulins will be painted in various modes of attire, as well as nude".
The Pope said that although Archduke Harry Moore isn't much of an artist, he is suitably-qualified after having seen Charlton Heston's movie-role as Michaelangelo.
In a radio transmission from Mars, Harry Moore said that he can hardly wait to be lying on his back, paint-brushes in his hands, feet, and mouth, atop the scaffolding.
The Pontiff concluded by saying that the portraits of Andis Kaulins will be lacquered, so that they will retain and preserve his magnificence for the next 300,000 years to come.
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