Wuxi China Expatdom First Lady Wonder Woman is Pregnant!!!!

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango and his wife, the first lady of the WCE, Wonder Woman are going to have Dragon babies in the year 2012.

Spokesman for the WCE PM, Sally Adolf Cicero, made the announcement to a packed press conference at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi.  Said Cicero:  "The First Couple of the WCE, unlike many Wuxi Expats, didn't spend the Spring Festival holiday playing video games and getting drunk!  They had their honey moon!  Tests taken today confirm that Wonder Woman is pregnant and her due date is in early October!"

The WCE PM spokesman didn't answer questions from the media after making the announcement..  When asked to give specific details of the conception, the WCE PM spokesman ordered fire hoses be let loose on the media members from the WCE Sexpat Gazette.

News of Wonder Woman's pregnancy resulted in massive celebrations throughout the Expatdom.   All three Harry Moore Memorial Squares in Wuxi were quickly packed with hundreds of millions of celebrants many of whom decided to dance like drunken Cossacks in a Conga Line.  In the Shanghai China Expatdom Colony, millions of Expats thronged the Bund and Nanjing Road to celebrate.   In the Expatdoms of South America, governments were forced to declare it Carnivale time, as millions celebrated Prime del Ministre Mango Magnificto getting Mujer Maravilla embarazada!  But the biggest and most heart-felt celebrations took place on Wonder Woman's native Paradise Island where she was a Amazon Princess before coming a super-heroine, confidante to Harry Moore, the first lady of the Wuxi China Expatdom and member of the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League -- one hundred million Amazon princesses celebrated and begged for Harry Moore to come to their island and impregnate every one of them.

Wuxi China Expatdom Pubs also enjoyed brisk business after the announcement.  At Gambay's Pub, one group toasted PM Mango for fourteen rounds.  Many then went onto the streets carrying signs saying "Atta Boy Mango!" 

Eight Billion voices were soon heard chanting in unison "WCE!  WCE!  WCE!"

Veteran observers of the Expatdom said the celebrations were nearly as huge as those that took place after the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor -- former King of Wuxi.

Wuxi China Expats glad to be back to work after Spring Festival

Wuxi Expats say they are happy to be back to work after the Spring Festival holiday.  Many said they were stuck in their apartments during the holiday because they were scared of crowds, fireworks or being invited to cold apartments for dinners.

Thor Lyndon, English Teacher, said he was very happy to be back to work.  "I am happier than poo on a stick to be teaching English.  All I did during the CNY was get drunk and play computer games.  The one time I went out, I froze!" said Lyndon.

William "Corky" Bittermeyer, also an English Teacher, said he felt good about being back to work.  "Going to work gives me something to do" said Bittermeyer.

His Majesty, King of the Wuxi Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, said he got so bored at home that he had to go back to the palace and do some work.  "Not having any staff I about, I took on some of their duties like cleaning, typing and handling fan mail.  And to be honest, it felt good.  I also developed an appreciation for the work they do for me and the Expatdom.  I think all of them should be inducted in the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira to resume Boxing Career

Ayria:  The Chosen One, Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom and Consort of his Majesty the King of Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty, has announced that she will resume her boxing career which had been put on hold when she was pregnant with the Royal WCE Triplets.  

The Triplets: Hayek, Friedman and Buckley, born Christmas Day, have grown and matured already leaving Ayira free for other pursuits like her boxing career.   Last year before the birth of the Royal Triplets, Ayira defeated Oprah Winfrey, Hilary Clinton and Michelle Obama in, what many boxing experts considered to be, the greatest pugilistic bouts in all of human history.

This year, Ayira plans to fight minority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi, New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd,  and Leftist "Civil Rights" Lawyer Gloria Allred.  She has challenged also Keynesian Economist Paul Krugman

Ayira has rehired her training staff including Angelo Dundee, Bill Belichick, Vince Lombardi, Knute Rockne, George S. Patton, Rocky Marciano, Alexander the Great, Eddie Futch, Teddy Atlas and Ray Arcel.  She has also hired some poets including WCE Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky, William Wordsworth and TS Eliot who will serve as her corner men during press conferences.  

The evidence of Ayira's determination to box again quickly became apparent to all media members attending the press conference where she announced the resumption of her boxing career:  Ayira delivered a left hook to a T-70 battle tank, beside her on the podium, sending it flying a thousand feet; and  then recited the following lyrics: "Rumble lie a butter fly!  Deadly like like typhus!  I am gonna beat and knock my opponents sense-lus!"

While she admitted that the lyric was nothing special, Ayira confidently boasted that the media men "ain't heard nothing yet, and that she was going to give them lines and lines of witty rhymes that would fill notebooks from here to infinity, twice as easily as the roll of a dice!"

Asked by a CNN reporter why she only wanted to box women and half-men of Leftist and Progressive sentiments, Ayira said "I am powerful like an Iguana and I am going to kick the ass of who I wanna!  Besides, Bachmann and Palin: they be forces for good!  I only want to use my fists, on the people on my evil lists!"

Ayira ended the press conference by promising the media that 2012 would be a year of "sizzling sonnets, powerful punches, horrifying hooks, laid-out lamenting Leninists,  and K-O'd Keynesians!"

Harry Moore Speaks: "Wuxi China Expatdom's Eyes Look West"

President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society and
Minister for Colonies Harry Moore says that the WCE government is seeking to
expand it's ever-growing colonial possessions. Interviewed on the Expatdom's
prime-time television programme "In Wuxi Tonight" by the anchorman
Andis Kaulins (the English Teacher), Harry Moore outlined the bold new
expansionary plans.

"I've been commissioned", he said, "by Emperor Gorzo and the Parliament
to travel to various Expatdoms in Siberia. There I am to compile a report
on the feasibility of those regions being absorbed into our dominion".
"I know very little of those distant regions. My brief is to gauge the mood
of those disparate Expats - perhaps the WCE might create one Expat colony there".

Genial host Andis Kaulins asked Harry Moore if he had any anxieties
about travelling deep into a sometimes-harsh, and alien region. "There are
wolves there", Andis Kaulins said, "and numerous other dangers, such as
naked mensheviks, and, possibly Boris Yeltsin too?". Harry Moore replied that
many people have stereotypical perceptions of Siberia. "It's not a place out of some movie, Andis. I will be going unarmed. Such things don't worry me in the least, And besides, the Expatdom doesn't practice gunboat diplomacy, so our intentions are entirely peaceful".

After a moment's pause, Harry Moore said "now you mention them, well actually
I am scared of wolves!". "I'd hoped", he went on, "that you, Andis, and your namesake of the WCE Rifle Association might be able to accompany me, but, naturally I understand that you both have heavy commitments here, in the Expatdom".

Harry Moore told Andis Kaulins that he'd set-off on the first leg of the journey as soon as possible. "Yes", he explained, "I must get myself to Omsk or Tomsk
quickly. The WCE government believes that, apart from millions of prospective
Expat colonial citizens, there are believed to be substantial natural resources there. Emperor Gorzo told me that we must move fast because those Europeans are having some financial woes right now, and therefore we mustn't shilly-shally about."

Helper Monkeys are the new status symbol of Wuxi Expats

First, it was having a Chinese Driver's License;  secondly, it was owning an autographed copy of the Poolside Harry Moore; then, it was having GPS in one's bar girl; but now the status symbol of the Wuxi Expat is to have lots and lots of helper monkeys. 

 

When it was revealed that Her Majesty Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira:  the Chosen One, had a helper monkey fetch balls during her tennis matches, a trend was set and soon all of the WCE High Society had to have one helper monkey and then more.  A helper monkey arms race developed and Wuxi China Expats, bored of showing off their Chinese-speaking skills, began to speak of how many helper monkeys they had.  One Wuxi China Pub Owner, Frank Minkleman, had a hundred helper monkeys working on his yacht in Lake Taihu.  NIels Bohr, at his lavish wedding, had a thousand helper monkeys serving guests and performing the dragon dance.  Wuxi Sexpats began to boast of having helper monkey sex slaves.

 

Wuxi Expat English Teachers, not being able to afford helper monkeys, developed all manner of strategems to show off their status.  Duston Short, English Teacher Extraodinaire, until he was found out, had his triplet brothers follow him around in monkey costumes.  Many other English teachers began hiring students to dress up as helper monkeys and also follow them around.

 

German Wuxi Expat Engineers, in cooperation with the Japanese, designed and built robot helper monkeys but couldn't find a solution to the battery charging problem and as well, weren't able to make the robot monkeys anatomically correct enough for Wuxi Sexpats.

 

Several Wuxi Expats then wanted to marry their helper monkeys, but were not granted licenses by the Wuxi China Expatdom Bureau of Marriage Licensing.  One Expat, Hans Klingerer, got a helper monkey to marry his long underwear; but the marriage was later declared void when it was discovered the long underwear was already married to Klingerer.

 

So intense has the demand for helper monkeys been in the Wuxi China Expatdom, that it has been reported that some Wuxi Expats have traded their Ipads and Iphones for helper monkeys.  One helper monkey is now worth 2 Ipads on the WCE black market.

Wuxi Expat Pub Owner loves to fondle and grope his male patrons

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut Pub, loves his male patrons and says that it is very important that he and they have a physical relationship.  

Any male patron entering the Chestnut, can expect to be bear-hugged by Droop who will then grab onto their buttocks or genitals, giving them a good five or six second tight grasp.

"The Pub Owner -- Patron relationship isn't like prostitution where a service is exchanged for money.  A person going to the pub expects to be able to have an emotional relationship with the people therein, whether they be the other customers, the staff, or above all, the guy or gal who runs or owns the place!  And it is not a case of wham-bam-see-you-later-or-never when one goes to the pub; one expects to have one's existence acknowledged!  Being in the business for thirty years as I have been, I have learned what it is that patrons want.   Of course, we now live in an age in history where males need to have their physical existences acknowledged in order to enhance their self-esteem, so ergo I practically molest them when they come into the pub and even more when they buy drinks or bring in their friends and associates!  Not that I mind, I have always had inclinations that way since I grew up on a sheep farm with only sheep, dingos, wallabees and kangaroos to keep me company!"

Asked how he treated his female patrons, Droop said he liked to chat them up and tell them the things he was going to do to them on their wedding night.  "You should see the look in those Sheila's eyes when I talk to them in details so intimate you'd think I really was their husband!"

Droop's patrons, especially the lonelier ones, told the WCE Blog that they found Droop's advances to be shocking and yet, strangely intriguing.  Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion and an Eastern Conference Champion, says his favorite time to be in the Chestnut is in Summer when Droop wears short shorts and encourages the others to do so as well.  "As a craver of intimicacy, you don't know how much it raises my self-esteem to have someone act like I am attractive in shorts!" said Short.

Wuxi China Expat says he has a beautiful and sublime body

Bobby Bellamy, a Wuxi Expat, says he is an advocate for the beauty of his body.

"Men of honesty and good will would all agree, if they cared to look, that my body is beautiful and sublime!" said Bellamy, who says he spends his time, whether on the job or in leisure, promoting the sublime beauty of his body to other Expats and locals alike.

Bellamy, who teaches English at a local primary school, says he uses his body's beauty and sublimeness to teach vocabulary to his students.  "I have used the sublimity of my body to enhance their vocabulary.  I can now hear them, when they are on the playground, use the words "sublime, splendorous, wondrous, pleasurable, soft, delicate, tight, fondle, grope, caress, delightful, texture, natural, divine, comely, Harry Moore, iron-like, extensive, massive, shiny, resplendent, tone, ample, endowment and dueling scar" among others.  For their English speaking competition, many of my students choose to talk about the difference between the beauty and sublime using photos of my body parts!"

Bellamy tells the WCE Blog that he spends his advocacy time canvassing the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame director Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis to enshrine him or, at least, his wonderful body therein.  "I believe that four 8888m tall statues depicting my body, at each corner of the WCEHoF grounds would warm the spirits of everyone in the Wuxi China Expatdom!  Kennesaw doesn't agree yet, but I am softening him with my 24 hour round-the-clock email and SMS campaign!"

On his own initiative, though, Bellamy has produced one million 4 foot by 3 foot posters featuring images of his body and distributed them where ever he goes in the WCE.  "Even if the posters are use to wrap fish or placed at the bottom of bird cages, I know that that everyday life of the average person is being made more beautiful and sublime!"

Bellamy says he also hopes to team up with Harry Moore and produce a book called The Sublime Duo of Harry Moore & Bob Bellamy Poolside.  "So far, His Sublimeness Moore has no returned any of my phone calls and emails!" said Bellamy, the regret obvious from the emotional cracking of his voice.

Bellamy's colleagues say they find his advocacy efforts something to behold, but misdirected.  Guy Batterson, who also teaches with Bellamy at a Wuxi primary school, says that Bellamy has scared many of his Chinese colleagues by his advocacy.  "A teacher can't enter the office without Bob showing them a joint and a hidden crevice in his body!" said Batterson who wished to be unnamed for this news story.  "Still, he pursues the advocacy for the beauty of his body with a single-mindedness that I wish I could apply to my girlfriend!"

The owner of the Chestnut Pub, Bellamy's local, Wally Droop, says that Bellamy is one patron who appreciates being fondled and groped.

Wuxi China Expat Conspiracy Theorist Alliance questions the existence of just one Harry Moore

Jim Garrison, president of the Wuxi China Expat Conspiracy Theorist Alliance (WCECTA), says his organization doubts there is only one Wuxi Expat named Harry Moore.

"It is really hard to believe that one Wuxi Expat named Harry Moore could possibly have accomplished all that he is said to have accomplished. How are we to believe the powers-that-be that say that one man named Harry Moore is an double inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, a best-selling author, an international sex symbol, a government official administering over a thousand Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies, an orator capable of galvanizing millions of listeners with his words, a leading scholar of the cinema, the chief executive of the leading film appreciation society in the world, a survivor a million assassination attempts, a lover to more women that Wilt Chamberlain, and an amasser of better baseball statistics than the great Babe Ruth? Ten superb individuals combined could never have accomplished such wondrous things! I submit to you that there must be at least ten Wuxi Expats named Harry Moore!" said Garrison to the 2012 annual WCECTA congress.

Thierry Mason, vice-president of the WCECTE, presented his theory that elements of Mossad, the Cheka, the CIA, the FDA, the WCECIA, WCEKGB, and the WCEFA have built ten remote -- controlled Harry Moore robots to complement the twin Harry Moores who pose as models and also make love to all the movie starlets.

Jim Marrs, president of the Venice Gardens chapter of the WCECTA, said he had proof that there were Harry Moore Quintuplets until men wearing black coats and sunglasses, and driving Black SUVs paid him a visit and stole his 1966 Harry Moore Quintuplet Calendar.

James Douglass, president of the Wanke Glamourous City Chapter of the WCECTA, said that Sasquatch, the Abominable Snowmen, the Loch Ness Monster, Al Gore Junior, Elvis Presley, the people really responsible for 9-11, and all the members of the JFK assassination conspiracy including the gunmen, wore Harry Moore suits and that that was why "Harry Moore" had seemingly accomplished so much.

WCECTA President Garrison concluded the WCECTA congress with a plea to the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Police Force and the Wuxi China Expatdom parliament to conduct a strip-search of Harry Moore and see if his body resembled that represented in the massive international best-selling work of literature the Poolside Harry Moore.

Wuxi Expat proud of brown gloves he bought in the Chinese Countryside

Andis Kaulins, the English Teaching Expat who is not be confused with the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association El President Andis Kaulins, is proud of the brown gloves he bought in Beixin, a small town in the countryside of Jiangsu province.  ET Kaulins was in Beixin to celebrate the Spring Festival with his wife Jenny's relatives.

"It was cold in Beixin for the four days I was there.  Taking my daily constitutional, I found my hands were cold and that for the first time this winter, I felt a need to wear gloves.  I went to, what I assumed was a recently-opened supermarket, and looked for the glove aisle.  There, I saw a pair of brown gloves with a silver pattern that looked adequate for my purposes.  Looking at the signs, I thought they would set me back 38 rmb, but I asked a nearby clerk and she told me they were 15, or at least, that was I understood!" said ET Kaulins.

"You can imagine my surprise, when I went to the register and they charged me only 5 rmb for the pair!  I was beside myself in ectasy!  That was less than a dollar in my native Canada!" said an excited ET Kaulins.

Jauntily, ET Kaulins said: "For as long as it is cold, I will proudly show off my gloves to any other Expat I will meet.  I really like my 5 rmb pair of gloves!"

Wuxi Expat hasn't taken shower yet in the Year of the Dragon

Wuxi Expat Herman Bosman has not taken a shower six days into the year of the Dragon.

Bosman, a South African English Teacher, in his girlfriend's Chinese countryside hometown for the Spring Festival holiday, says he sees his trip to the Chinese countryside as akin to going to a musical festival.

"When I went to Woodstock, it was seven days of Love, Peace, Music, and no Showering!" said Bosman, "so it ain't nothing new to me, man!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force says Operation Hephaestion has been a tremendous success

Officer McNulty, acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force (the WCERMPF), told a million assorted newsmen, that Operation Hephaestion, an initiative taken by the WCERMPF to correct the grammar of WCE English Teachers, has been a tremendous success.  "We have corrected the grammar of  one hundred thousand Wuxi China Expat English Teachers!" said McNulty. 

McNulty was quick to not take credit for the operations's success.  "I wouldn't have been able to catch and prosecute the English Teachers mangling the Queen's and President's English without the diligent efforts of the million man task force that spared no amount of personal comfort in hiding out where English teachers congregate!  I also want to thank Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges for the use of his aircraft carriers and the bombardment he put on the bad grammar of English Teachers living in Long Tuo Zhu Park; Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Marshall Gregory Peck for the 72 hours of non-stop bombardment of the Norway International English School in the Wuxi New District; Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander General Colonel Harlan Sanders for the artillery and mortar barrage on the two English Fungus locations in the Nanchang District; my acting teacher Stella Adler who taught me how to make my appearances before criminal punks heartfelt and true; my boxing trainer Angelo Dundee who taught me to control my savage tendencies; Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President  and WCE Minister of Colonies and best-selling author and international-sex-symbol-raconteur Harry Moore for being my role-model; and Pope Benedict XVI for saving my soul!"

Asked if his methods might be over-the-top in their roughness, McNulty said that extremism in the defense of a good cause was not as vicious as mamby-pamby post-1960s governmental types would have people believe.  "Some English Teachers get a little bruised because they aren't so professional -- this is nothing!  These English Teachers have the slackest of lives compared to what the locals have to put up with!" said McNulty.

Asked for numbers of English Teachers punished as well as of the amounts of punishment dealt, McNulty was quite exact.  "Six English Teachers are missing but we presume that they did "a runner."  45,266 English teachers are in hospital with broken bones or grammar books lodged deeply in their foreheads.  Three thousand English Teachers are serving life sentences for repeated errors of tense.  Twenty five thousand English Teachers have had their dangling participles severed.  Another twenty five thousand English Teachers are under house arrest for bad pronoun reference.  The other 1,728 teachers have had their bar tab privileges revoked!"

McNulty added that Operation Hephaestion would continue indefinitely into the future.  Asked if this was a case of "It ain't broke, don't fix it!" by a reporter, McNulty growled, terrifying all  the reporters.  Tension in the Walter Bagehot Press Center rose to a fever-pitch as McNulty asked the reporter to repeat his question.  The reporter, on the second try, asked if the continuance of Operation Hephaestion was a case of "if it isn't broken, don't fix it! making McNulty growl all the more.  Reporters fainted before and as McNulty said it was a case of don't stop a good thing happening.  It was only when McNulty curled his lips into a smile that reporters were able to breathe easily and laugh nervously.

Wuxi Expat narrowly escapes being assaulted by Toronto Maple Leaf fans

Bob Goring, a Wuxi Expat and Pittsburgh Penguins fan, narrowly escaped being assaulted by a group of Toronto Maple Leaf fans he encountered at Dangle's Participle, the Wuxi China Expatdom English Teacher Pub.

Goring went to the pub to watch the Penguins play the St. Louis Blues on the big screen television.  After watching his team defeat the Blues 3-2, Goring briefly raised his fist in the air and took a long sip of his beer.

Said Goring:  

"Putting down my beer, I noticed this group of strange looking barefoot people, some of them with no teeth, others with with contorted faces, staring at me.  One of them, who looked like he was the leader of the group, asked if I was a Penguins fans.  Saying I was, the leader laughed and the rest of his group started to laugh as well.  

Asking them what was so funny, they told me that they were fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Thinking that they were joshing me, I told them that I should be the one that was laughing.  

The leader looked at me quizzically and asked me what I meant.  "It behooves me to mention that your team hasn't won the Cup since '67.  My Pens just won the Cup in '09!" I replied.

"Is that so? How about we wait and see who wins the game on January 31st!  Ha ha!" he said to me, thinking he had scored a rhetorical triumph!

"The Stanley Cup ain't on the line!" I told him.  "I don't expect you guys are going to be in the final this year, let alone the playoffs!  Ha ha ha!" I added and I then saw his brows furrow.

He told me that I had a pretty mouth, and he got his followers to agree that I had a very pretty mouth.

The next thing I know, he grabbed me by the ear and ordered me to squeal as a Piggie.  A bunch of Vancouver Canuck and Ottawa Senator fans then joined the Leaf fans and demanded that I get on the floor on all fours with my pants down.  I pleaded with the bartender for help until I saw him pull out a "closed" sign and lock the entrance to the pub.

I thought I was done for until the locked entrance to the pub suddenly slammed opened, and who should appear, but Wuxi China Expatdom acting Chief Inspector Officer McNulty!  Wearing leather chaps and a leather vest with a sheriff's badge, he shot arrows at the Senator, Leaf, and Canuck fans, pinning all of them to the walls of the pub.   He told us that he had been at the nearby Bondage Bar and said he couldn't help but overhear someone say "squeal as a piggie!"   "You bunch of dumb hick English Teacher punks!" screamed McNulty, "You should have said "squeal like a piggie!"

As I snuck out of the pub, I heard agonized screaming and moans as McNulty gave the Hockey Fans and English Teachers a heaping portion of his deluxe personal luxury brand of divinely-inspired, paradigm-shifting, grammatically-correct and syntactically-true justice. 

I then thought to myself that I could have easily been the one moaning!"

Wuxi Expat wins the Eastern Conference Championship

Wuxi Expat Manuel Torrez has won the Eastern Conference Championship.  He did so by defeating Otto Blintz in the final that wasn't decided till the end.

Torrez said Blintz was a worthy opponent and that he was fortunate to beat him.

Blintz, proud in defeat, praised Torrez, saying he was a master.

Asked if he wanted to play the Western Conference Champion, Torrez said it was something he dreamed about as he trained for the Eastern Conference Final.  "I keep asking Western Conferencers to play me, but they never taken up the offer!" said Torrez, with a sigh.

The championship was Torrez's first.  Wuxi Expat Wally Droople, with little relation to Chestnut Pub owner Wally Droop, has won eight Eastern Conference Championships.

Presidential Multi-Horse Race Heats Up In Wuxi China Expatdom

Presidency of the Wuxi China Expatdom's Congenial And Pensive Xihui
Park Stamp And Coin Collector's Club (WCECAPXPSACC) is once-again up for grabs.

Last night's Hopeful's Debate in the New District Primary,
was at-times heated, and packed more drama and twists and turns than
ever witnessed, said seasoned media commentators.

No party-affliations are permitted, however, some candidates,
unfettered by apparat-chics, are clearly unable to divorce themselves
from deep-seated Realpolitik sound-byte ideologies.
Candidate Frank "Pyjama Pants" Prostrami, for instance, is a
rusted-on Harpo-Marxist.

Neither Harry Moore, nor Andis (gunslinger) Kaulins, nor
Andis (English Teacher) Kaulins, nor Air Marshal Peck, nor Kennesaw "Hui Shan"
Landis, nor Officer McNulty, nor Admiral Bridges, nor CI Harry Callahan,
nor General Harl Sanders, nor Merkels, nor Heckylls, nor Jeckylls, nor
Abbott, nor Costello, nor Howdy-Doody, nor Spartacus, nor
Roy Rogers, nor his horse-trigger, - nor any other Expats with a reasonable
supply of oxygen to their brains, have nominated themselves for candidacy.

"How could we enter - we have no scandals to 'fess up to, and then crave
forgiveness for?!", Harry Moore and Andis (ET) Kaulins jointly and severally
asked rhetorically.

During the evening's debate, the incumbent liberal-leaning President
J.Edgar Hoover wooed the audience with his singing skills, spontaneously launching into the hit song "Blame It On The Bossa-Nova!", prompting the pundits to
ask if he could tap-dance as well.

Appealing for the expat-Slavic vote, candidate Nick Spomenko
retorted by growling his way through Lee Marvin's heart-rending "I Was
Born Under A Wanderin' Croat".

In this horse-race, the lead keeps changing, and media-speculation
is that who is in front will not be known until next month's Primary in Lake Taihu.

Wuxi Expat drops out of the U.S. Presidential Race

Groovy Henson, Wuxi Expat and English Teacher, announced today that he has suspended his 2012 U.S. Presidential campaign.  Having garnered no votes in any of the Republican primaries, and not having recorded any support in any polls, Henson told the WCE Blog that he saw the writing on the wall and decided to withdraw from the race.

Asked why his campaign never got off the ground, Henson blamed the fact that he was stuck in Wuxi and so wasn't able to campaign in America, prejudice against recreational drug users and alcoholics, misunderstandings about his past personal life which included three divorces and several young illegitimate children back stateside, and Ron Paul stealing all his best ideas.  "Paul was too old, man!  I, like, had the same ideas, and being, like 41, I could of served the whole eight years!"

Asked who he would endorse, Henson said "Paul of course.  You know, he is right about the man and how we got to stop him from getting too big and taking our freedom to smoke what we want!  I also like his foreign policy!  Peace man!  Every Dude wants peace!"

Wuxi Expat says he will grow a beard during the Spring Festival

Grizzly Abrams, a North American Mountain Man turned Wuxi Expat English Teacher, says he is going to grow a beard during the Spring Festival holiday.

Abrams told the WCE Blog that he had had a long flowing two-foot beard when in North America where he lived in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest and British Columbia, but then shaved it off in order to get a job teaching English in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

"I have been itching all these years to regrow the thing," said Abrams, "but my wife Ling Yi Lu (Pronounced Lingy Lou in North American), who I met in Wuxi, won't let me.  Any time I have asked her to let me grow a beard, I will get a stare from her that makes me wish I was wrestling a grizzly mother defending her cubs!"

Asked why he put up with his wife's anti-beard regimen, Abrams said he loved his Lingy Lu and that it was hard to find a woman like her in the wilds of North America, where his only companions had been grizzly bears, snakes, deer, raccoons and turtles.

Asked if his wife had changed her mind about beards because he now had a plan, Abrams said she hadn't, but because he was going to her hometown for the Spring Festival, he was going to forget to bring his razor so he could get at least seven days of growth.  "When she sees the George S. Patton manliness and the Harry Moore virility of me with facial hair, I hope she will change her mind!" said Abrams.

Wuxi Expats, born in the year of the dragon, to get V.I.P. card for use at all Wuxi China Expatdom businesses

Fred Minkleman, president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Chamber of Commerce and co-owner of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, announced that a special Dragon V.I.P. Card will be issued to all Wuxi Expats born in the year of the Dragon.

"The Wuxi Expatdom Dragon V.I.P. Card will entitle the bearer to 75 percent discounts on all services and products they purchase at any business in the Wuxi China Expatdom for the entire Chinese Year of the Dragon." said Minkleman to a small group, of ten thousand reporters, at a press conference held in the Buffet Room of the Gambay's wedding chapel.  "A passport and another document proving your date of birth must be provided before we issue the card!"

"As a special bonus to the first one hundred Wuxi Expat Dragons, who pick up their V.I.P. cards," added Minkleman, "three get-out-of-jail cards will be issued courtesy of Officer McNulty of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Squad.  These cards will allow Wuxi Expats to get off scot-free if they assault other Expats from France or Russia, or use excessive force in correcting the bad grammar of Wuxi Expat English Teachers!"

Reaction from Wuxi Expats was mixed.  English Teacher Andis Kaulins said that he may take advantage of the card and go to a Pub for the first time in years.  Duston Short, a Wuxi Expat born in the year of the pig, said it was discrimination against him and other pigs.  Other Wuxi Expats, who wanted their names published in the WCE Blog, said that they feared the prospect of seeing the English Teacher Andis Kaulins in the pub.

Wuxi Expat says he will play video games for the entire Chinese New Year holiday

Wuxi Expat English Teacher Thor Lyndon says he is going to play video games for the entire Chinese New Year holiday.

Said Lyndon:  "I don't know what I am going to do with myself!  I hear it is too crowded on the streets and in the shops of Wuxi during CNY, so staying at my apartment, sitting on the couch or lying in bed playing video games seems my best option!"

Asked if he was going to go to a pub during the holiday, Lyndon said he had his apartment fully supplied with cases of beer, bought for cheap, at the small shop near his home, so there was no need.

There are two persons named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom

At a press conference, held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub and attended by over four million newsmen, newswomen, and their hanger-ons, Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association President Andis Kaulins and the English teacher Andis Kaulins announced that they were two different people and that they were tired of being mixed-up by other Wuxi Expats

Said El Presidente: "I was the second Andis Kaulins to come to the Expatdom, and I found it annoying that I had to draw my weapon on people who made sarcastic "Oh my God! He is buying us lunch!" comments after I bought them lunch!  Call me a conservative reactionary, a tea-party member, a gun nut, or a hawk on military matters, but don't call me a cheapskate!"

For his part, the English teaching Andis Kaulins said that while his cheapskate reputation was well-earned, he was generous in non-monetary ways like with his punditry in his AKIC blog and staying away from pubs.  "I live and let live!  I give people the freedom of not associating with me!" insisted the Wuxi China Expatdom's original Andis Kaulins.  He then said he had became disconcerted by Spanish Expats walking up to him and saying "Hey Senor Boom Boom!"

Asked about their relationship, the two people named Andis Kaulins said that they were always cordial to each other.  Said El Presidente :"To be honest, I don't see the English teaching Andis Kaulins all that much!  He works and goes home to his family, and so there no chance of meeting him in a pub!  But I do see why other Expats confuse us.  We look alike and both have sensible views.  But I do have much more money than the English teacher and I can indulge in my pursuit of guns rights for all!  English teacher Andis Kaulins said, "El Presidente is an impressive figure of a man!  He is the Andis Kaulins I always wanted to be!"

The announcement of two Andis Kaulins Expats was greeted with shocked reactions from some Wuxi Expats, as well as claims from other Expats that they suspected all along that there were two people named Andis Kaulins living in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Said Wuxi Expat English teacher Duston Short:  "Now I know why the El Presidente didn't shoot me as soon as he meet me.  The other Andis Kaulins had labelled me human garbage after having seen my work ethic, so I was surprised when he was polite to me after I left the English School the other guy was working at."  Owner of the Chestnut Pub Wally Droop said he was shocked to see what he thought was the English teacher Andis Kaulins buying a round of drinks in his pub. "It was the El Presidente being so generous which explained everything!  I thought the world had fallen on its head!" said Droop.

Wuxi Expat born in the year of the Dragon resents having to wear red in the Chinese New Year

Nigel Blair, a Wuxi Expat born in 1964, doesn't like the fact that he has to wear red in the upcoming Chinese New Year.  

Blair was told of the fact by his wife who is a local girl.  "It is the tradition, I have been told, for everyone to wear red during their animal year of birth.  So being a Dragon, I got to wear red after January 22nd!"

Asked why he saw this as some sort of imposition, Blair told the WCE Blog that he hated to wear clothes, was a member in good standing of the Wuxi Naturist Party, and that Groucho Marx was right in seeing clothes-wearing as a sort of bourgeois conceit.

Asked if he could adopt some wearing-of-red strategies that could still see him au naturel while still wearing red (红色), Blair said that his wife "wasn't going to go for it!"  Added Blair: "I asked her if I could wear a red hat, tie red strings around my body parts, wear red bows in my hair or have the tattoo artist make my Harry Moore Dragon tattoo more reddish but my wife is insistent!  She says she would lose face with her relatives if I didn't wear red pants and shirts!"

Admiral Bridges Delivers Wuxi China Expatdom's Newest Carrier, Basil Rathbone, To Home Port

WCERN Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges today manouvered
the fleet's newest supercarrier, Basil Rathbone, through the downtown
Expatdom *, en route to the Wuxi Freeport.

Admiral Bridges told the 150,000 journalists and press photographers assembled on the Rathbone's flight-deck that "she, Basil Rathbone, is the most formidable vessel I've had the pleasure to helm".
He said that the new carrier has state-of-the-art electronics, and an array of weaponry including atomic cannons, ack-ack guns, torpedoes, and, "a few other
bang-bangs that I'm not at liberty to reveal", he said.

With the dexterity of a surgeon, Admiral Bridges deftly steered the carrier
through the throngs, and the traffic at a stately steady-as-she-goes 25 knots.
"The Rathbone is amphibious", the Admiral continued, "just like a frog - as agile on land as she is on the high seas".

Standing proudly at the bow, Admiral Bridges inhaled deeply, expanding his
cavernous and broad manly chest. "It's here", he told the reporters, "when I gaze out across the rooftop of GOME, and catch the heady tang of Taihu, well, it makes my old sailor's heart skip a beat!".

Basil Rathbone will be moored at Lake Taihu where she will be fitted-out.
Next month, Her Majesty Queen Ayira will perform the time-honoured launching ceremony by hurling a six-pack of Tsingtao at the new carrier.

[*Note - the photographer who captured the above-image can't be contacted, so the precise location isn't known. If any Expats recognise this part of the Expatdom,
please let the editor know].

Wuxi Expat almost has wallet snatched

Deloris Morris, Wuxi Expat, almost had her purse snatched on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie Bar Street Saturday evening.

Morris said she was walking the street about 900 p.m. when a pair of Caucasian foreigners approached her and asked her for directions to Gambay's Pub.  When she went into her purse to give them a Gambay's business card with directions, one of men grabbed her arm while the other took her wallet which was full of money and contained her passport.  The men then knocked her to the ground and fled.

Fortunately for Morris, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Officer McNulty was on the scene.  Hearing Morris's screams, McNulty pursued the men until they turned down an alleyway with a dead end.  McNulty, in an interview with the WCE blog, afterwards said that he put the meaning of "dead" in dead end when he administered his idiosyncratic brand of divine retributive uncongenial unequiponderant unconditional justice to the "miscreants."

McNulty returned the wallet to Morris who thanked McNulty saying "You is my hero! I wants to gave you a biggest kiss!"  McNulty sternly responded "Listen Miss! You should say You are my hero! I would like to give you a big kiss!"  

"I then went to the hospital and the doctors told me that the wallet would be embedded permanently in my forehead for a while!" said Morris.  "But it could have been a whole lot worse if I had lost my cash and passport.  And the fervent kiss McNulty gave me after correcting my grammar made my knees shake!"

Mob almost lynches Wuxi Expat

Thor Lyndon, a Wuxi Expat from America, was forced to run for his life from a mob bent on hanging him.

Lyndon had gone to to meet some other Expats at a lesser known pub in the 1912 Bar District.  What began as an evening of drinks and chat nearly became deadly as the group, Lyndon was with, became enraged at him.

Lyndon had taken part in a commercial for an English Training Center he was working for.  The day of the commercial shot, Lyndon came to school with messy hair and bloodshot eyes.  Saying he hadn't been informed of the recording, Lyndon said he would have turned out properly otherwise.  As it was, he was embarrassed by his appearance and vowed to never watch the commercial.

The commercial had been shown for a few days in Wuxi, when Lyndon went to the pub in the 1912 Bar District.  The other Expats, at the bar, had seen the commercial and made jokes about Lyndon's messy hair and bloodshot eyes.  Lyndon told the WCE blog that he expected this and thought that he would have to stand the ribbing and kidding for a few days.

Said Lyndon: "Our mob was its friendly old self.  Everyone was insulting everyone else, but it was all in good fun and we knew that no one really meant it!  But then the mob took on a different frame of mind.  The ribbing became serious.  One person said I had embarrassed myself.  Another then said I had embarrassed all Expats in the eyes of the locals.  The next thing I knew, someone pulled out a noose, and I was forced to run away from the clutches of arms trying to hold me down so as to put the noose around my neck."

Lyndon fled the pub with the mob on his tail.  He was fortunate that just as his stamina was flagging and the mob was catching up to him, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Officer McNulty came on the scene.  Said Lyndon "He saved my life!  When the mob saw McNulty they fled, and I knew that as long as McNulty was around, I had no need to worry about further retribution!  I thanked McNulty and said to him, "You save my life!"  McNulty then said, "That should be You saved my life punk! and he dealt me his eccentric brand of divinely sanctioned rough house full contact body slam justice!  Going to the doctor later, they told me that the edition of Fowler's English Usage will be permanently embedded in my forehead for a while, but it is a small price to pay for having McNulty save my life.  Usually, he looks at me contemptuously!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Police cracking down on English Teacher grammar errors.

Officer McNulty, acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has begun a campaign to crack down on the bad grammar of Wuxi Expat English Teachers.  He announced the details of Operation Hephaestion at an impromptu press conference held outside Dangle's Participle Pub.

McNulty told the assembled media that a million officers would be involved in the Operation, and that he had also received commitments from the Wuxi China Expatdom Armed Forces for assistance in the crackdown on bad grammar habits.  Said McNulty: "Beside the million police officers, General Colonel Harlan Sanders of the WCE Land Force has pledged armor and artillery assistance: WCERAF Air Marshall Gregory Peck says his ten thousand bombers will be on the highest alert for as long as it takes us to improve the grammar of the English teachers; and WCERN Admiral Lloyd Bridges has told me that if need be, we can use his aircraft carriers and that the 200m cannons of his battleships can easily rain down fire on any English teachers where ever they may be in the Expatdom!"

McNulty said that Operation Hephaestion's basic philosophy was to be harshly unforgiving of English teachers making grammar mistakes.  "Teachers if they are lucky, will get sixty days in solitary confinement if they are caught dangling a participle or misplacing a modifier, two years of hard labour if they make errors of tense, and four years of very hard labor if they make vocabulary usage errors.  And when I say "if" they are lucky, I mean that is what they will get if they are not caught by me.  If I catch them misplacing modifiers and mixing up the three conditionals, I will personally deal them my eccentric brand of divine, retributive, paradigm-shifting, uncongenial justice!"

Evidence of McNulty's seriousness could be seen in and around Dangle's Participle Pub where many moaning and beaten English Teachers were sprawled on the floor and sidewalk, floating in the nearby canal, and strewn on nearby roofs and trees.  "This bunch, once they recover, will be reviewing their Funk & Wagnall's and Fowler's!" exclaimed McNulty.

Wuxi English Teachers, asked to comment on Operation Hephaestion, said they were terrified, but grudgingly admitted that Office McNulty had a point.  Duston Short, an English Teacher at DIE English School, said "My grammar bad.  So me scared.  I go buy me dictionary and the grammar book.  My want not to hurt be!"  Another teacher at DIE, Steve Obstacle, said that he would keep his mouth shut from now on.

Wuxi Expat says he is coming on!

Wuxi Expat Lee Lyons said he was coming on in an interview with the WCE blog.

Said Lyons: "I may be right and I may be wrong, but I got to do something before the day is done!"

Asked what he was going to do, Lyons wasn't very specific:  "Could be small or it could be big, but it has got to be something that I can dig.  It may be good or it may be bad, but I got to do something or I will go mad.  It may be cool or it may be hot, but I got to do something that I need a lot!"

His female companion, who was beside him during the interview, began to worry at his declaration and started to cry; and Lyons tried to soothe her by saying: "Oh baby!  Don't cry!  Don't cry!   Don't cry!  You shouldn't do that!"

After finally being able to soothe her and even make her smile, Lyons exclaimed: "I coming on!  Well baby, I coming on!  Yeah Babe, I coming on!  Babe!  Babe!  I coming on!"

Another Wuxi Expat and friend of Lyons, Leo Alvin, said that it was good to see that after ten years, Lyons was finally coming on.

Hair Stylist Vittorio Besieged By Wuxi China Expats Wanting The Mitt

Wuxi China Expatdom's foremost men's hair-stylist, Vittorio, has been rushed off his feet. "My salon, La Dolce Vita,", he said, "can't keep-up with the demand from Expat men wanting the new ultra-cool Mitt style - I've had to hire another 128 stylists!".

Harry Moore, the WCE Film Appreciation Society president,emerged from Vittorio's sporting shiny, slickback strands. "I'm quite pleased", he said, "however I don't look anywhere near as great as the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association El Presidente' Andis Kaulins".

"Andis Kaulins is, characteristically, impeccably-coiffed. His Mitt gives him a commanding, reassuring, and, unstoppable aura".

WCERA Presidente' Andis Kaulins smiled "Yes, and what's more, my restyled locks are gel, and mousse-free!".

WCE lady-Expats are believed to be putting the finishing-touches to their new
style, the alabaster-blonde Newt.

Wuxi Expat engineer doesn't know if he will ever wear clothes again!

Saul Munger, a Wuxi Expat engineer, says he loves the Naturist lifestyle he discovered in the Wuxi China Expatdom and that he doesn't know how he would ever go back to wearing clothes.

Said Munger: "I like having a wash-and-wear body. I am as free as bird! I get up, take a shower, comb my hair, and go to work -- it takes me all of twenty minutes. Shortening my morning routine, I am sleeping better and longer. I come to work refreshed. My co-engineers tell me I am seem happier since I ceased being encumbered with clothing. Throw off your clothes and you throw off the weight of the world! I always say. Now, my closets are filled with the things I really want: Ming Vases, DVDs, rare books, and my golf clubs. The minister at my local church tells me I am his best parishioner because I show God I love the things he gave me! I now also love singing in the choir -- no clothes, no inhibitions, I always say! And of course, my love life is better. Women can see my sincerity!"

Munger's Naturist hero is Harry Moore: best selling author of the Poolside Harry Moore, two-time inductee into the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame, godfather of Wuxi China Expatdom Prince Hayek the Mighty, Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies and the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society. "Harry, I tell you, he is the man that every man should aspire to if he chooses to be a Naturist. Harry has the sunny optimism of a Ronald Reagan combined with the coolness of Steve McQueen. He's those two guys without the clothes! Amazing!"

Acting Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector breaks up sicko film ring in Venice Gardens

Officer McNulty, the acting chief inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom, says he has broken up, what he called a "sicko film ring" in Wuxi's Venice Gardens, a popular villa compound for Wuxi China Expatdomites in the south west of Wuxi.

Said McNulty "I was shocked I tell you! Shocked, to learn that some of the residents were watching the most god awful movies that could be bought at Wuxi DVD shops. These people just have no taste! And they would then pass on the DVDs onto to other Venice Gardens residents."

McNulty showed some of the DVDs, which he confiscated, to the Wuxi China Expatdom Blogspot staff. Among the thousands of DVDs were grade "b" science fiction, slasher movies and sex comedies. "It would have broken Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's Harry Moore's heart to see the tripe that these people were watching, I thought to myself." said McNulty. "So, I dealt these Venice Gardeners -- it behooves me to call them Wuxi Expats -- my eccentric brand of paradigm-shifting justice. But I gave them a choice this time, unlike the other times where the guilty had no choice. I said I could either leave them unable to watch movies, unable to use the bathroom standing up, or forever unable to eat solid foods... Strange how so many residents of Venice Gardens value their bowel movements --a thing I will remember when I make my next visit to the Chestnut Pub!"

His most honorableness, President and Minister Moore, praised McNulty's methods in dealing with the Venice Gardeners. "Vigilance in the defense of good cinematic taste is no vice!" said Moore, while on a break from casting for the upcoming Wuxi China Expatdom Mammoth Pictures production of Harry Moore and the One Hundred Fifty Bond Girls.

New Pub for English Teachers opens on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie

The owners of Dangle's Participle, the one pub in Wuxi that caters to English Teachers, is opening a second pub for English Teachers on Wuxi's Nanchang Jie pub street.

Henry Watson Fowler, head of the ownership group running Dangle's, say the new pub will be called Misplace's Modifiers.  "We have got a prime location for M's M not too far from the main road so you won't have to walk a mile to find us!  As well, we will have a boardwalk which overlooks the canal so you can go swimming or wash your hair!"

Asked how drinks would be priced, Fowler said the drinks would be so cheap that even Andis Kaulins, Wuxi's most notorious cheapstake, may become a patron.

Wuxi Expat says he will stay in bed for the whole Spring Festival

Felix Navada, English Teacher working at the Dunghill Kindergarten in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi, says he is going to stay in bed for the whole Spring Festival holiday.

Said Navada: "I get nine days off.  There isn't any point in going anywhere 'cause its too crowded.  Facto Ipso, there is no point in leaving the apartment.  Cetibus Quid Bono Phono, I will stay in bed for all of the Spring Festival.  I may not even get up to use the bathroom!  It is, after all, my destiny!"

Navada said he got the idea to not get out of bed by attending a Self-Help Seminar put on by a Doctor Phil Zaius.

Patrons of Dangle's Participle, a pub serving Wuxi English teachers, say that Navada doesn't like to get up at the best of times.

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Triplets Are Already Full Grown!

Hayek the Mighty, Buckley the Mighty and Friedman the Mighty:  the three sons of Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: The Chosen One, are already full grown and each has preternatural talents in many fields announced WCE Royal media spokesman Burt Machiavelli at a press conference held in the Royal Media Center of the WCE Royal Palace in the Shuo Feng District of Wuxi, China.  The press conference gave to the world the first news about the development of the WCE Royal Triplets since they were born on Christmas Day, over two weeks ago.  An estimated six million media persons attended the press conference making it the most attended press conference in World history.

The record crowd of press people and their hanger-ons learned that the Royal Triplets, possessing the blood of an Azananian Princess and a Mighty Galactic King, grew and matured at a prodigious rate.  Announced Machiavelli: "The Royal Triplets were weaned off breast-feeding after three hours.  They were completely toilet-trained at six hours after birth.  They were talking twelve hours after birth.  After four days, they had graduated from middle school.  After a week, they aced their final exams to earn their high-school diplomas.  Hayek lost his virginity ten days after being born.  Buckely wrote his first best-selling non-fiction book: God and Man at Wuxi Number One People's High School eleven days after his birth.  Friedman wrote his authoritative history of the monetary aspect of the Great Fiscal Crisis of 2007 and is currently in America hunting down the charlatan Paul Krugman!"

Machiavelli then mentioned the numerous other talents the Royal Triplets have shown.  "Hayek seems to have a virility nearly comparable to that of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Famer Harry Moore.  He is also a great baseball player, dancer, singer, guitar player, and champion Mah Jong player.  Buckley is the intellectual of the bunch and shown a great aptitude for brain surgery, rocket science, biochemistry, physics, engineering, philosophy, theology, architecture and politics.  Friedman is already a great economist, an amazing actor and all-around athlete -- yesterday, he defeated the Current European Club Champions Barcelona four to three in a thrilling eleven--against-one football match, just after he performed Hamlet at the Wuxi China Expatdom Players Theater!  Friedman can also run 100 meters in eight seconds and bench-press Micheal Moore and the Titanic!"

The news of the Royal Triplets fast growth and maturity enraptured and thrilled many a Wuxi Expat.  Blogger and English Teacher Andis Kaulins said he welcomed the news of the Triplets' rapid growth saying it would give him plenty of things to write about in his blog about the Wuxi China Expatdom.  

Prominent Wuxi Expats see the Triplets having a great future.  Harry Moore, Hayek's godfather and a best-selling author, said he looked forward to taking Hayek under his wing and grooming him to be his successor as President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society and even as the WCE Minister of Colonies.  "I have so much on the table.  I have to supervise colonies in Asia and South America, and probably the rest of the world after that.  I have to be on top of the Cinema, past and present.  And I think Hayek is the boy who can help me.  He has got piercing dark eyes, glistening dark locks of hair, and a sunny disposition.  He reminds me of when I was young.  And I am so impressed by his knowledge of the films of David Lean!"

Wuxi China Expat English Teachers flock to Self-help Seminar.

Doctor Phil Zaius, a Self-Help Guru who says that Anthony Robbins is not fit to lick his boots, is currently doing seminars in the WCE.  Doctor Zaius's "Find Your Destiny by Yourself" show is quite the hit among nearly all Wuxi China Expatdom English Teachers, the only group in the WCE to be gravely plagued by dysfunctions.  

So far, three million Wuxi English Teachers have attended FYDbY which has been running all week at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.  And their reasons for going, though diverse, suggest a common pattern of personal inadequacy among all Wuxi English Teachers.  Thirty Two year old Duston Short, an English Teacher who has worked in every English school in Wuxi, says he is attending to find solutions to his intimacy problems.  Seventy-five year old Aristotle Sysprios says he is attending to find solutions to his erectile dysfunction.  Fifty-nine year old Steve Clark says he is attending to overcome his addiction to drugs dealing with his erectile dysfunction.  Another English Teacher, Samuel Worthington says he "go to Seminar fix his grammar of English which is no goody."

Zaius, in his seminars, teaches attendees to find their destiny by sitting down and imagining where it is that they want to be at that moment in time.  But to do this, says Doctor Zaius, involves being totally honest with oneself.  "What is that you really want? I ask them after I turn off the lights.  What is it that you really want? I ask again.  And it they need help, I tell them to drink or play their favorite Xbox or PSP game -- this seems really popular.  And in fact many of the teachers return!"

So far only one English Teacher in Wuxi has not attended the Seminars:  Andis Kaulins -- not the Andis Kaulins who is the president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association.  In an interview with WCE Wordpress, Kaulins said Doctor Phil Zaius was a charlatan and that the people who attended his seminars with kool-aid drinkers.  Wuxi English Teachers, when asked about Kaulins's thoughts, said that he was "probably trying to rationalize his cheapskatedness and that his views of the seminars was definitely that of a fringe minority figure in the Expatdom.

Wonder Woman's Granny Arrives In Wuxi China Expatdom Looking To Find Herself A New Sexpat Husband

Serial Naked Man Creates Havoc During Presidente Andis Kaulins' From My Cold Dead Hands Speech

El Presidente of the Wuxi China Expatdom's Rifle Association (WCERA), Andis Kaulins, expressed his shock and disgust when his speech was interrupted by the naked-man, Opel. Andis Kaulins was in Bogota, Colombia, one of the new colonial Expatdoms recently absorbed into the WCE.

Delivering his keynote address,('Abandon, Rip-Up, and Shred, All Anti-Gun Laws') to 25 million Bogota Expats in the Plaza del Revolucione-But-Not-Much-Evolucione, Andis Kaulins was outraged by the streaker, who has already disrupted speeches given by the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society's (WCEFAS) Harry Moore.

Reacting quickly, Presidente Andis Kaulins spoke to Harry Moore, seated in the front row, and called for his favourite gun, an M14-EBR, which Andis Kaulins has affectionately dubbed "The Call of Duty".

Firing 226,000 rounds at the floor near streaker Opel, Andis Kaulins shrieked "dance varmint, dance!", (in the orthodox Western-movie fashion), however Opel fled the Plaza unharmed. Andis Kaulins yelled an expletive phrase at Opel, which, loosely translates to "go take a funny walk".

Sources in the WCE said that an APB has been radioed to Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, as it is believed that Opel is a disenfranchised Suzhou Expatdom colonial.

Wuxi China Expat band recording of an English Chinese New Year (Spring Festival) Song sells 88 billion copies

The latest recording of the New Harry Callahan Experience, featuring Andis Kaulins on shotgun bass:  the English Language song "The Eight Days of Spring Festival" has already sold over 88 billion copies.

Wuxi Expat Harry Callahan, said that he and his band, were having beers one night with Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky, and were lamenting the lack of good Lunar New Year's song in English.  Said Callahan: "I guess you could say that we served as Lord McClusky's muse for the evening!  McClusky, when presented with our problem, immediately went deep into thought or some sort of muse-seeking trance.  Some local English teaching yahoos then started singing four thousand bottles of beer on the wall causing El Presidente Kaulins to ask why they didn't do a Christmas countdown song like the twelve days of Christmas.  Lord McClusky became very animated and ran to the bathroom to find some toilet paper to write on.  And he came up with the Eight days of Spring Festival.  Hans Killinger immediately composed the music after similarly going into a muse-seeking trance, and the result was our hit song!"

Callahan said the moment was something to behold. "It was quite the thing for me to be witness to the creative process at work.  It was like being a fly on the wall when they wrote the wonderful U.S. constitution!"

Here are the lyrics for the song:

On the first day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Money in a red envelope!

On the second day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Two bottles of Baijoe,

and money in a red envelope!

On the third day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Three cartons of cigarettes,

Two bottles of Baijoe,

and money in a red envelope!

On the fourth day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Four chicken's feet,

Three cartons of cigarettes,

Two bottles of Baijoe,

and money in a red envelope!

On the fifth day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Five sets of new clothes,

Four chicken's feet,

Three cartons of cigarettes,

Two bottles of Baijoe,

and money in a red envelope!

On the sixth day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Six sets of quilting,

Five sets of new clothes,

Four chicken's feet,

Three cartons of cigarettes,

Two bottles of Baijoe,

and money in a red envelope!

On the seventh day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Seven fireworks a-bursting,

Six sets of quilting,

Five sets of new clothes,

Four chicken's feet,

Three cartons of cigarettes,

Two bottles of Baijoe,

and money in a red envelope!

On the eighth day of Spring Festival

my true love gave to me

Eight dragons dancing,

Seven fireworks a-bursting,

Six sets of quilting,

Five sets of new clothes,

Four chicken's feet,

Three cartons of cigarettes,

Two bottles of Baijoe,

and money in a red envelope!

Al Gore" "Wuxi China Expatdom's Abdominal Snowman Invented The Internet"

Former VP Al Gore, and his wife, Tipper, are currently in the Expatdom
to discuss a range of really, really important matters.

Although barred from entering the WCE Parliament, Gore held an impromptu media conference on the sidewalk, just opposite Papa Johannes. Addressing a media contingent and crowd estimated to at around five people, Al Gore said that he
was in the Expatdom for two reasons.

"I am here", he said, "to provide my expert commentary on the Presidential
elections. After all, I do have inside information on all the candidates, as well as
knowledge of the internal machinations of the Parties. I honestly thought that Gonzo The Mighty, and your PM Mango would want to hear my predictions, yet, it seems that for them, right now is inconvenient. Truth is, I've also come here to launch a
fundraising campaign to help save your Hui Shan Abdominal Snowman."

Al Gore said that the Information Superhighway had been invented by the Abdominal Snowman. Gore said that "he, or she - we aren't sure of the gender yet so it could be the Snow-woman - devised optical fibre networking in 1994.
"It is crucial that your Abdominal Snowman/woman be protected. It has contributed a hundred trillion dollars to world commerce, so Tipper and I are here to save the
savant-creature".

A spokesperson for PM Mango said that both he and Gonzo The Mighty have not scheduled any talks with Al and Tipper, and, "actually, we hope they'll go away - we sure don't want Al's old boss coming here as well."

Wuxi Expat will put fireworks in his pants on Chinese New Year's Eve.

Duston Short, Sumo Midget Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom and an English Teacher who has taught at every school in Wuxi, says he is putting firecrackers in his pants on Chinese New Year's Eve.

Asked why he was going to do this, Short told the WCE blog that he wanted to show the locals his commitment to Chinese culture and that his bar mates at the Chestnut Pub were daring him.

Wally Droop, disgraced owner of the Chestnut Pub, said that he no problem with Short doing this as long as he didn't do it on the premises.  Droop added that now that Short had finally settled his bar tab, he had no care either way what happened to Short.

Acting Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector McNulty said he would see if there was any laws against Short doing this, and that even if there weren't, Short was probably doing something illegal and deserved to dealt McNulty's eccentric brand of rough justice.

Other Wuxi Expats said that Short was a short, fat, lazy dope and though he would harm himself, it would be a good result if Short was rendered incapable of fathering children.

One man, however, seemed sympathetic to what he called "Short's daring."  "Perhaps!" said Wuxi China Expatdom self-help guru Doctor Phil Zaius, "he will find his destiny!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky Recites New Year's Ode To Taihu And Droppin' His Gs

Last night at Gambays, to commemorate it's acclaim,
yet again, as the Expatdom's #1 Expat Pub, Poet Laureate McClusky
emerged from several month's of seclusion to recite his newest work.

In eager anticipation, six million Gambays' patrons fell silent as the master of prose took his place atop a table.

"My fellow Expats", McClusky began, "I present 'Ode To Taihu And Droppin' Ma Gs', which was inspired by Ordon Litfoot."

"The legend lives on from the Naturists on down
Of the big lake they call big Lake Taihu
The lake, it is said, is not red or brown
But greeny-blue like a mushroomy

"With a crew many times twenty-six thousand gobs more
The Astaire is the Expat-dom's flagship

"The Fred is the pride of the Expatdom's fleet
And sorry that this isn't rhymin'
Comin' back from Manitoba where they caught
the sleazebag Ayatollah,
As the big carriers go, it is bigger than them
With Admiral Lloyd Bridges and crew well seasoned

"Sexpats, you better take care
if Chief Inspector Harry finds you creepin'
round my back stairs

"Turnin' back the pages to the Lake Taihu Ode
I wonder if the old folks aren't asleep
now the thin' that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied
With knowin' I gotta stop droppin' all those 'g's,
Taihu Da Dao, got ta see you my old lame
Taihu Da Dao, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Taihu Da Dao, let me slip away
Slip away on you"

With the massive crowd rapturously clappin' and shoutin' their acclaim, and
momentarily stoppin' their drinkin', - there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

South American Expatdoms become colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom

Every South American Expatdom has become a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom, announced Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango.  

All the South American Expatdoms made applications in late December, and were accepted after a series of super-secret negoiations involving PM Mango, WCE Minister of Colonies Harry Moore, and the head of the S.A,  Expatdoms Hugo Arnaldo Ruy Ricardo Edmond Mundo O O Roberto Eduardo a.k.a Harrmoo.  The SA Expatdoms agreed to do all they could to fight the socialism of one Hugo Chavez, while WCE Minister Moore agreed to do a film talk tour of their continent on which he would discuss South America and the Cinema.

Harrmoo said the SA Expatdoms joined because of South America's fractious political history.  "Try as they might, the SA's just can't get it righto!" lamented Harrmo.  "We look at the stability of the Wuxi China Expatdom with envy!  But now that we have a relationship with the WCE and will received a visit from the magneficent EL Hombre Supremo Effervescento Moore, I think we can turn things around!"

The Top Ten Wuxi China Expat Pubs and Bars

1. Gambay's Pub 88 Yi Bai Yi Er Lu in the 1912 Bar District. Consistently voted Wuxi Expat's Pub because of its innovations like 4 rmb beer night and potato salad Tuesdays.
2. Hardy's Har Har Number 4 Wong Wei Lu, Shuofeng District. Willy Aardvark Crazy Kook Yakushev Hardy says he likes to keep his customers in stitches by making them laugh or cutting them. Open Mike Nights every Tuesday.
3. McClintock's Number 49 Ma Lu of the Double Happiness Western Bar and Saloon Street. If you want Sasparilla, a good hit of whiskey, or a game of poker with real cowboys, this is the bar in Wuxi to do.
4. Andis's Canadian Bar Number 67 Nanchang Jie. As long as you are not from Toronto or Hamilton or Ottawa, Andis will love to have you come to his pub. He claims to have the largest supply of Crown Royal, Sleeman's Honey Lager, and Tim Horton's products in all of China.
5. The Chestnut Pub Number 325 Ning Nong Lu. Wuxi's oldest Expat Pub. Despite its disgraced owner and its playing of uncivilized hip-hop music, it is still a popular Wuxi Expat haunt. Veal Shank, 59 rmb, every Sunday.
6. The Blue & Gray Bar Number 1865 Lee Lu, Wuxi China Expatdom Civil War Theme Park. The best pub in the Civil War Theme Park serves 4 rmb Jack Daniels shots every night of the week.
7. Dangle's Participle Number 4 118 Zhongshan Lu. A pub, for English teachers, that holds Shakespeare Nights every Tuesdays.
8. Mad Ludvig's Bavarian Bar. Number 33 Hu Bin Lu. The most popular German pub in Wuxi is set in an authentic replica of the castle of mad Bavarian King Ludvig the Second.
9. Mahovlich's Located somewhere in Yixing, Mahovlich's is a bar serving Expats from Toronto. Stick your head in the toilet for two minutes and you will get a free Oh Henry Bar and bottle of Molson's Beer.
10. Room 101 666 Hu Yin Lu. The favorite hangout of Wuxi Sexpats and Bondage Enthusiasts. Free flogging with every purchase of two Tsingtaos.