Ten Good Places to have Sex in the Wuxi China Expatdom

The typical Wuxi Expat likes to have sex in public with as many spectators watching as possible.

Here are the best places in the Wuxi Expatdom for them to do this:

1. Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District. With a seating capacity of 60,000 people and easy world-wide broadcast capability, this is the place to publicly consummate your love for your spouse in the WCE.


2. Santiago Cafe main entrance. Located on one of Wuxi, China's main thoroughfares, having sex here can guarantee that many see you get your rocks off.


3. Wuxi Landlords Stadium, Malaysia Development Zone. With a seating capacity of 3,000,000, and good sight lines, this is the best place to have a live audience watch your every move.


4. Harry Moore Memorial Square Platinum. Over a billion people can fill this square at one time. unfortunately, it has bad sight lines.


5. Harry Mooer Memorial Square Gold. Better sight lines that HMMS Platinum but has a smaller capacity of only 750 million.


6. Harry Moore Memorial Square Silver. Go here only i f the other squares are occupied.. Capacity for only 500 million people.


7. Wuxi China Expatdom Football Grounds. The ingenuously constructed stadium here allows 250,000 spectators to be close to the action.


8. Intersection of Zhongshan Road and Xueqian Roads. One of Wuxi's busiest intersections is monitored by traffic police so there is no worry about being run over.


9. The top of the 8888m golden statue of Harry Moore on the grounds of the Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame. The statue can be seen from anywhere in the Expatdom.


10. The meat section of Carrefour Supermarket in the Baoli Shopping Mall. You can entertain the locals as they line up for chicken's feet.

Swedish Bikini Team's Captive Orient Express Message: "Help!"

At today's tightly-packed media conference, IEF Commander
Karl Malden, and Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, released the

note and photographs sent by the Team's captive, Orient Express.

"He is still somewhere in those tunnels", said Malden. "The note

and the photographs have been exhaustively examined, and we are

releasing them to the media, and The Expat public, in the hope

that someone can shed some light on this matter. "One of the
mysteries", he said, "is how this package was delivered here - we

suspect that it may be an inside job".

"You'll immediately see that OE's letter is somewhat incoherent, and badly-worded.
We attribute that to the harsh conditions in which he is being held."
CI Callahan the projected the pictures and the note onto a huge visual display, and
journalists leaned forward and squinted, to read the note's contents: -

"Dear Anyone,
Am still in the tunnels, and the Swedish Bikini Team won't let
me go anywhere. They subject me to all kinds of humiliating and cruel treatment.
But they allowed me to write this note.

"There are two photographs accompanying my letter. One shows me as I was before being

captured, a decent, humble, Joe Average. That picture was taken on a typical
day, when I'm occupied with helping little old ladies across the street,

writing news reports for the WCE, and, my voluntary cooking and cleaning
work at a nearby retired folks rest-home."
The other one was taken down here by one of my captors, and as you can see,
I'm now in a filthy state, with mental and physical exhaustion.

"They force me to learn Swedish, to talk Swedish, to walk Swedish, and

they told me to forget all about the Wuxi China Expatdom.
Six times a day I must read, then recite, every single item-description from
the IKEA catalogue. If I get even one krona wrong, they put mice down my pants.

"They make me watch DVD movies - ten hours every day. The Bikini lady named

'Birgitta' screamed at me: 'No more Lawrence O'Toole-David Lean- Omar Kwai

for you! You will only watch, and enjoy, every Swedish movie starring
Greta Garbo, Ingrid Bergman, and Max Von Sydow!', she cackled.

"There are thousands and thousands of cats down here. They're

all friendly and gentle critters, and I at least had their companionship

in this dark dungeon. But the Bikini women decided that I must not
have any comforts here at all, so they chased all those cats away.
Yes, that's right, I was forced to endure the horrendous Dearth
of a Thousand Cats!

" Please send Harry Callahan, or Andis Kaulins down here to liberate me, and

arrest these nefarious valkyries, or maybe get a posse together.

"Oh, and if anyone lasciviously suspects that there is any 'funny business' going on down here,

well, definitely not!

(signed - with a scrawl, 'Orient Express')

Wuxi China Expatdom Magical Mystery Tour

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: International Expeditionary Force in tangle.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

 

This is all that Karl Malden, the commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force that is looking for the Swedish Bikini Team, could say another disastrous day of searching.  One million members of the WCEIEF became entangled in string on the first day of phase two of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011.  2.7 million WCEIEF members had been issued string which they were to unwind as they entered the tunnels of the newly-expanded Wuxi, China train station.  One million of the searchers who had waited three days for the issuance of the string, became entangled within an hour of the search resuming.

 

"The WCEIEF has set up a special blue-ribbon commission to decide what to do next!" announced Malden.  "Many of the searchers are so entangled, they can't move.  We have to decide whether to cut them loose, or let them instead be part of a permanent watch in the tunnels making sure no one ever gets lost again.  This commission will convene next week, and will hopefully come up with a decision on what to do as soon as my term as WCEIEF commander is finished and I have my pension!"

 

With one million entangled in string, the WCEIEF has now lost nearly 1.3 million searchers in Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011.  Three hundred thousand searchers are still lost in the tunnels from earlier days of searching.

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira beats U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama by KO at 1:31 in round 1 of World First Ladies Boxing Championship.

Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira the Chosen One beat U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama yesterday to win the World First Ladies Boxing Championship.

 

Ayira came out in her usual aggressive style, immediately putting Obama on the back foot. With just over a minute gone, Ayira dropped Obama with a right hand to the body - the second time for the former light-heavyweight first lady champion had been down in her career (first time was against Barbara Bush in 2009).  Obama got up but was caught with another big right, this time on the chin, and counted out after one minute 31 seconds of the first round.

 

Ayira earned 30 million USD for her victory.  The most ever for a female boxer.

 

The fight, at the Rose Bowl in Pasedena, California, attracted world-wide attention.  Among those attending the fight were Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Harry Moore, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Pope Benedict XVI, the Dalai Lama, Bob Dylan, Bob Geldof, Bono, the Edge, Hunky Bill, U.S. Vice President Joe Biden, Christopher Hitchens, Gore Vidal, Bobby Orr, Wayne Gretzky, Adam Sandler, Paul McCartney, JK Rowling, Bill Gates, Neilson Mandela, Marc Steyn, Marc Levine, Rush Limbaugh, Peter Robinson, Timmy Geithner, Stewart Dingle, Terry Pickett, Ann Coulter, Kathleen Parker, Amy Kramer, Hugo Chavez, Andrew Klavan, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, Congressman Joe Walsh, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Jack Layton, Joe Namath, David Beckham, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Phillip, Tom Butler, Les Dingle, Alex Trebik, Bill Good, Rafe Maher, Iggy Pop, Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Jessica Simpson, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Petty, Johnny Lydon, Ken Dryden, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Benita Kaulins, Arnis Kaulins, Jon Ottenson, Leo, Aina Kaulins, Pat Morrissey, Morrissey, Johnny Marr, Johnny Depp, Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, Senator Fred Thompson, Niels Jesperson, Luke Wells, Vern Funk, Yahoo Serious, Bill Maher, Andrew Brietbart, John Locke, Kaka, Ringo Starr, John Derbyshire, Jonah Goldberg, Rob Long, Father Benedict Groeschel, G. Gordon Liddy, Mother Angelica, Mike Tyson, David Warren, Charles Adler, George Jonas, Dan Carlin, James Lileks, Spengler, Roger L. Simon, Victor David Hanson, Kelly Forbes, Ryan Dolby, Dave Hill, Don Leedham, Don Freund, Dave Stemkowski, Les Brown, Pat Auffray, Rene Prevost, Hu Jiantao, Eric Van Munster, Wen Jiabao, Fred Boily, Liu Xiaobo, Marc Potvin, Milt Rosenburg, Bill Clinton, Hilary Clinton, Robert Reich, Joe Clark, Darren Enns, Shawn Burr, Neal Maginot, Bill Barnes, David Horowitz, Eddie Van Halen, David Lee Roth, Keith Richards, Peter Townsend, David Cassidy, Paul Weller, John Howard, Gary Patterson, Jeff Stak, Daniel Liss, Sean Pearson, Henry Brown, Donald Chapman, Dennis Gorman, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Florence King, Chuck Schumer, Jim Cameron, Pauline Maye, Benita Kaulins, Prince Charles, Prince Phillip, John Galt, Jay Leno, and George Bush.

 

After receiving the championship belt, Ayira announced her retirement, saying she wanted to return to cleaning King Gorzo's laundry.  Ayira is pregnant with triplets who are due in late December.

Wuxi China Expat Football Ground has expanded shower facilities.

Franz Joseph Werner Beckenbauer, chancellor of the Wuxi China Expatdom Football Grounds, is proud of its 'two new natural grass fields that have the latest  field drainage systems.  He is even more proud of the new 250,000 main stadium that is so ingeniously constructed the farthest seat from the action is only ten meters away.  But he is most proud of the Grounds' expanded shower facilities.

 

" The showers are really super-duper!" insists Werner Beckenbauer, "The water flows hot and sensuously like Al Gore never existed.  You can control the flow and its colour, whether you want a trinkle, a strong tinkle, or a shaft of rainbow gold.  The soap dispensers offer a choice of three kinds of soap:  Irish Spring, Balsam Rose, and Northern California Bubblicious.  Up to forty men can shower together in total fraternal and jocular fellowship in the common shower area.  One need never worry about missing a spot!  If your showering companions won't give you a thorough scrub, our staff of strong, virile masseurs will give you a good going over.  And if your muscles are sore after a strenuous game of footie or footsie, whatever your choice, our crack and able staff of sports therapists all named Brucie will nurse you boo-boos!"

 

The Wuxi Expatdom Football Grounds are popular with Expats from Austrailia, Norway, Denmark, the Netherlands, England, Germany, and New Zealand.

Swedish Bikini Team Hostage Drama: Note Received from Orient Express

Leader of the Wuxi China Expatdom's IEF, Karl Malden, announced

that "we have a new, and possibly-hopeful, new lead as to the whereabouts
of Orient Express, presently being held captive by the Swedish Bikini Team,

somewhere in the Railway Station tunnels."

Karl Malden said that when he arrived at the Situation Room this morning, he found

a mysterious package on the floor near the front door.

"Inside were a couple of photographs, and, what appears to be a scrawled

message, written by Orient Express. We are presently examining this material -
CI Harry Callahan is dusting it for prints, and, once we've confirmed it's

authenticity, we will release it to the news media and the Expatdom public", Malden

said. "We expect to be able to do that within a few hours", he added.

"In the interim, Chief Inspector Callahan is posting these 'wanted' posters up all

over the Expatdom. Should any Expats see the Team members, get in touch with us
immediately", he said. "The great difficulty is, as you can see in the photograph,
the Team's appearance, and attire, blends-in with everyone else in the Expatdom, such is their cleverness, and so even the sharpest-eyed Expat will have trouble picking them out of a crowd.
"For example, the two on the far-left of the photograph, are NOT, as you'd probably think,

at first glance, the Minkleman brothers."

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: Shipment of string arrives; Memorabilia sales top one billion yuan.

Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force that is looking for the Swedish Bikini Team, Karl Malden, at his daily press conference, announced that a much-needed shipment of string had finally arrived.   Because 300,000 searchers had gone missing in the Wuxi China Train Station tunnels, WCEIEF leaders had suspended the search till string could be issued to of the 2,700,000 remaining in the search force. 

 

Searchers can now unwind the string as they enter the confusing tunnels of the newly expanded Wuxi Train Station. 

 

Said Malden, "This technique which I learned of when I was studying Greek Mythology last week, should cut our losses of remaining personnel to zero.  The search may be able to resume tomorrow!"

 

Members of the WCEIEF were enthused by the news.  Said searcher Herodutus Bosch, "I hated to be sitting in the pub the last two days drinking beer.  I would much rather have been sweating and looking for the Swedish Bikini Team!"

 

Duston Short, an Expat from Ontario, Canada and the Expatdom's midget sumo wrestling champion, said that he was still waiting for his shipment of acid.

 

Malden, at the press conference, also announced that sales of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Memorabilia had surpassed one billion yuan.  "The bobble-head and bobble-chest dolls are sold out.  As well, the Swedish Bikini Team and Inspector Harry Callahan Jr. accompanied by the WCE Trio album has gone quadruple-triple platinum."

Wuxi China Expatdom voted Wuxi's best Expat Site

In a poll taken of Wuxi Expat Internet Users, Wuxi China Expatdom was voted the best Wuxi Expat Site.

Wuxi China Expatdom received 30 times more votes than runner-up Wuxi Lesbians and 75 times more votes than Wuxi Net Guide in the poll.

By winning the poll, Wuxi China Expatdom was awarded the Santiago Cafe Cup, symbolic of Wuxi China Expat and Expatdomite Internet Supremacy.

An award ceremony was held at the palace of his majesty King Gorzo the Mighty. Accepting the award for Wuxi China Expatdom was Chuck Norris, practically the twin brother of Wuxi China Expatdom top reporter Orient Express. Norris accepted the award with great emotion, saying he prayed every day for his brother Sir Dirt E. Harrie who was lost with the Swedish Bikini Team somewhere in the tunnels below the Wuxi China Train Station.

After the ceremony, a motorcade of Wuxi China Expatdom personnel, including Wuxi Andis who said he had nothing to do with the notorious Wuxi Expat cheapskate Andis Kaulins, rode down Zhongshan Road for a ticker-tape parade that was attended by over one hundred million people.

Wuxi China Expat claims to have been abducted by space aliens

Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expat Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion, claims to have been abducted by space aliens who took him up to their space ship and probed him.  The abduction happened, insisted Short who hails from Ontario, Canada, as he was going to his English Teaching job at Leprosy International English.  Said Short: "That's why I was two hours late."

 

Inspector Harry Callahan said he asked Short to make a report that would be put in a "WCE P.D. filing cabinet."

 

Short's Leprosy International English supervisor, Guy Mounteby said Short was the most unlucky person he had ever meet.  "In the short time Short has worked for us he has been stuck in 35 traffic jams, had the elevator to his fourth floor apartment break down ten times, had ten uncles and aunts die, had five grandparents die, had a bad knee prevent him from walking ten times, and eight times gotten diarrhea at a bar Friday or Saturday night.  Last week, he had a great grandfather die.  And this is the third time he has been kidnapped or abducted.  I really feel sorry for the guy.  I can't blame him for being an alcoholic and addicted to cheeseburgers.  And I agree with him when he says that keeping one's word and showing up for work on time are bourgeois conceits.  If I got mad at him, I would only be oppressing him.  The poor baby!"

Wuxi Expat says he in heaven when he is drinking beer at Gambay's Pub

"Heaven!"  says Wuxi China Expat Don Corlione.  "I am in Heaven!  And it is getting so that I can hardly speak.  You see I found the happiness that I seek when I drink beer at Gambay's Pub!"

 

Asked elaborate Corlione said:  "The cares that hang around me during the week, disappear like a Gambler's lucky streak at Gambay's!"

 

Asked if he liked other things, Corlione said "Oh, I like to climb a mountain and reach the highest peak.  I love to go fishing in a clean Canadian creek.  But it doesn't please me half as much as drinking at Gambay's Pub."

 

Asked where the pub was, Corlione said "Gambay's Pub is in the 1912 District of Wuxi, China.  You walk in and the staff will treat you heavenly man!  They say come in and have a drink on us!  And then the bar girls they say: Come on and dance with us!  We want our arms about you!  We will give you a charm that will carry you through and right up to Heaven!!!" 

Singer says the Wuxi China Expatdom is toddling

A Wuxi China Expatdom Singer who asked to be identified as F.A.S. had this to say about his home:

 

Wuxi China Expatdom!  Wuxi China Expatdom!  It is toddling!

Wuxi China Expatdom!  Wuxi China Expatdom!  I'll show you around!  I love it!

Bet your bottom dollar or euro or yuan you'll lose the blues in the Wuxi China Expatdom!

It is the Expatdom that the Ayatollah of Mordor couldn't shut down!

On Zhongshan Road, that great road, I just want to say!

They do things they don't do on Broadway!

I had the time, the time of my life!  I saw a man!  He ran a red light!

In the Wuxi China Expatdom!  In the Wuxi China Expatdom: My new home!

Two Wuxi Expats in love with overlapping sections of Metro Line

The Wuxi China Metro Line is still under construction, but already some Wuxi Expats have become smitten with it.  Recently, two Wuxi Expats living in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi have fallen in love with and proposed marriage to nearly the same section of the the #1 Metro line near their apartments.

The Hui Shan District Expats, German Sabias Gunther and Canadian Johnny Mahovilich, have exchanged blows in hopes of winning the #1 Metro line's hand in marriage.  Gunther wants to marry the section of the #1 Metro line from the Boston Glory Apartment complex to downtown Wuxi near Renmin Road.  Mahovilich has proposed to the section of line from Yanqiao to the metro bridge near the Hui Shan Big Bridge.  

It is the metro Bridge that has been the source of contention between the rival lovers. The bridge is between Boston Glory and Downtown Wuxi.  It marks the end of the line that Mahovilich is in love with, but is also in the midst of Gunther's line of affection.  One week ago, Gunther was walking near the bridge and saw Mahovilich hugging a support column.  Gunther became so jealous, he threaten to kill himself.  Later that day, Mahovilich attacked Gunther.  Mahovilich claimed that Gunther was "humping" one of the bridge's support columns.

Gunther claims that the Bridge is his bride because he lives closer to it, and that he would be a polygamist if Mahovilich married the bridge.  Mahovilich says that he proposed to the bridge first and has a copy of an application to the Wuxi Wedding Bureau to prove it.

Larry M. Maker, the Wuxi China Expatdom Marriage Commissioner, says the case will be a thorny one to settle.  "First, we have to ask the Wuxi local government to allow Expats to marry their public works projects.  If they don't, the issue is mute.  But if they agree, the Wuxi China Parliament is going to have to pass some legislation.  Right now, there is no law covering a matter of this sort."

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world that allows humans to marry inanimate objects; however polygamy and bigamy are illegal for both humans and things.

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: Search postponed but memorabilia sales still very brisk.

At his daily press conference, Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force that is searching for the missing Swedish Bikini Team, had no new and good news.

There was no news on the search aspects of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011.  The Swedish Bikini Team is said to be lost in the tunnels of the Wuxi China train station.  Said Malden: "I have ordered that no IEF members enter the tunnels of the Wuxi China Train Station till they have been issued with balls of string.  Currently, we have put in an order for the string, and we expect it should arrive sometime tonight."

Malden did have good news about Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 official memorabilia.  "Air Marshall Gregory Peck tells me that he has carpet-bombed factories and vendors dealing in fake SBTS 2011 memorabilia, and so those miscreants will be out of commission for the duration of the search.  Sales of official Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 memorabilia have gone over five hundred million Chinese yuan.  The anatomically correct Swedish Bikini Team member dolls have sold out.  The official Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 App for the Iphone and Ipad has been downloaded 4 billion times.  The Poolside Harry Moore: the Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 edition has already gone into it's twentieth printing.  And a billion liters of Swedish Bikini Team Wuxi China Lager have been drunk at Gambay's Pub and at the Santiago Cafe."

Wuxi China Expat wants to marry the new Taihu Tunnel

Nigel Edmunds is in love.  And he insists that this love was a love at first sight.

Who is his love?  That is the wrong question.  One should ask:  What is his love?

Nigel, a lanky English Teacher who was formerly a gypsy, has fallen in love with the Taihu Tunnel.  The Tunnel which was recently completed runs along Taihu Avenue near the Auchang Supermarket.  Nigel happened to have a taxi take him through the tunnel last week and he became instantly smitten.  He now lives in the tunnel and doesn't care if the locals think it is strange for a foreigner to be a vagrant.  

He has proposed marriage to the tunnel, and is convinced it accepted the proposal.  Said Edmunds, "I asked the tunnel to say no if it didn't want to marry me, and it was silent.  That's proof enough for me."

He has applied to the Wuxi China Expatdom for a marriage license.  The Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world to all humans to marry inanimate objects.  However, Edmunds' application has raised some issues.  Larry M. Maker, the Expatdom's official marriage commissioner, says it is the first time that someone has tried to marry a public works project.  "The law enacted by the Wuxi China Expatdom parliament had nothing to say about humans marrying public works project.  The local government may object to us marrying off their roads and bridges to foreigners.  Edmunds' case may go all the way to the Wuxi China Expatdom Supreme Court unless parliament enacts a law clarifying the issue."

Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 Update: Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force members to be issued with balls of string

Karl Malden, commander of the WCEIEF which is responsible for conducting Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011, has announced that each WCEIEF member will be issued with 100 kilometers of string.  

Said Malden:  "Due to the increasing number of missing searchers, we thought it prudent that from now on we will insist that each member unwind their ball of string as they explore the tunnels below the Wuxi China Train Station."

The Swedish Bikini Team is believed to lost some in the tunnels of the Wuxi Train Station.  They had come to Wuxi to participate in the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic 2011.

Malden also announced that Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 will have to be postponed for a few days till three million balls of string can be acquired from suppliers.  "However," he added, "a new shipment of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 memorabilia has come to the official IEF memorabilia shop and will go on sale right away.  You will now be able to buy anatomically correct dolls of each member of the missing Swedish Bikini Team.  Buy three and you will also get an anatomically correct doll of the reporter who is embedded with them, Orient Express."

Wuxi China Protesters demand end to search for the missing Swedish Bikini Team

At the South Square of the Wuxi, China Station, factions of the Naturist Party still loyal to ousted leader Iggy Poop, staged a protest demanding the end of the Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011.  They sang "Kumbaya", "Camptown Races", "Old McDonald had a farm" and other songs they knew, including protest songs.  They came bearing signs saying STOP THE SEARCH; SCREW THE TROLLOPS; PEACE IN OUR TIME!; REAL MEN CUT AND RUN; IKEA: NEVER FORGET, NEVER FORGIVE; WHAT HAS SWEDEN EVER DONE FOR US?; NO BLOOD FOR BIKINIS; RUN AWAY!; and THERE IS NO SHAME IN GIVING UP.  They listened to speeches demanding the end of the search which has already seen over three hundred thousand go missing.  Many of them didn't shave or wash for the occasion so they could look like hippies.  Some even wore white flowers in their hair.  Others ate deep-fried dove -- the official fried food of  world peace.

Said protest participant Eleanor Belanor, from New York: "  We have lost over three hundred thousand people in the search already.  I don't want to see the Wuxi China Expatdom have its own Vietnam, engaging in a search that can't possibly end with a finding and that would definitely end with the loss of hundreds of thousands of millions of good people!"

Said protester Zappa Ziggie Wiggie, from California: "What's a few missing girls?  Man!  We just want peace!"

Duston Short, an Expat from Ontario, Canada, apologized for coming to the protest because he was under the mistaken impression that is was a legalize pot rally.

Ed Broadbent from Canada, another protester, said he didn't want to see the Wuxi China Expatdom become imperialistic.

Two hours into the protest, a massive group came to counter-protest.  Outnumbered by a factor of a thousand to one, the anti-search protesters fled to the tunnels of the Wuxi China Train Station and haven't been seen since.

Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force that is organizing Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011, said he would heed the protesters "in as much as the IEF  wouldn't look for the protesters now that they were missing."

Poet Laureate McClusky asks how Wuxi China Expats can love King Gorzo the Mighty more

The August edition of Wuxi China Esquire contains an article by Alfred Lord McClusky, Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate, on the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty.

 

Entitled "How Can Wuxi China Expats love Gorzo the Mighty more?", McClusky answers the question by saying "Like it or not, Gorzo is all of us Wuxi China Expats."  

 

McClusky further writes: "'I am large, I contain multitudes,' Walt Whitman wrote, and Gorzo lives that lyrical prophecy."

 

McClusky ended the article with this: ""Gorzo the Mighty is developing into what Hegel called a 'world-historical soul,' an embodiment of the spirit of the times. He is what we hope we can be."

 

Asked about the article, Gorzo said it was "an embarrassing lapse into lefttist bobby-soxer squealery!.  I don't know what prompted McClusky to write such tripe."

 

 

 

Sales of Swedish Bikini Search 2011 official memorabilia top one hundred million yuan after two days.

Despite the loss of three hundred searchers over the past two days and little signs of the missing Swedish Bikini Team, Commander Karl Malden of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force, the official governing body of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 did have good news to announce.  

 

"Sales of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 offiical memorabiliia have been brisker than expected.  Already, they have topped one hundred million yuan.   We have taken enough money in, that even if we lose a million people in the search, we can still make a tidy profit after paying insurance and court claims."

 

Malden said he had asked the Royal Air Force to assist in efforts to stop sales of fake Swedish Biking Team Search 2011 memorabilia.  "I told Air Marshall Gregory Peck to nuke the fake vendors if he felt it necessary."

Two Hundred Thoursand more searchers lost at the Wuxi China Train Station looking for Swedish Bikini Team

Two hundred thousand searchers went missing on the second day of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011.  Twice the number that went missing on the first day, and meaning that in addition to the missing Swedish Bikini Team, there are nearly three hundred thousand searchers lost in the tunnels of the newly expanded Wuxi China Train Station.  The numbers have prompted some to demand the resignation of Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force commander Karl Marlden.  The WCEIEF is the official governing body of the search.

 

Malden said the large number of missing searchers was proof of how difficult it is to find one's way around the tunnels running under the train station.  It wasn't because he had chosen a force consisting largely of Ontario, Canada Expats.  Said Malden, "The members and volunteers fo the WCEIEF are top-notch.  We have a policy of not allowing those from degenerate parts of the world to be in the WCEIEF in any capacity."

 

Malden offered no comment when asked if he made the stupid suggestion that Andis Kaulins look for the Swedish Bikini Team, and if reports that the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Forces, Royal Navy, and Royal Air Rorce were to have a more prominent role in the search.

Wuxi China Expatdom reporter Orient Express is embedded with the missing Swedish Bikini Team

In an exclusive phone interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom site, Orient Express a.k.a Dirt E Harrie, has revealed that he was embedded with the Swedish Bikini Team when they went missing in the tunnels of the newly expanded Wuxi China Station.

Orient Express said he didn't exactly know for sure where he and the Swedish Bikini Team were in the Train Station.  "We are definitely lost," said the most intrepid reporter in the Wuxi China Expatdom, "but the girls and I are making the best of it.  We are cuddling together to keep each other safe and comfy.  I am looking after the each member of the team personally, which is a lot of work because there are so many of them and only one of me!  The girls recognize this and are looking after me, yielding to my craven and passionate needs and desires."

 Orient Express ended the interview quickly saying something about wanting to save his battery power.   He said may file an update on the bikini team's safety in a day or two or three.

Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force that is searching for the Swedish Bikini Team, Karl Malden, said the interview explained the missing swim trunks bearing the initials O.E. and D.H.  He regretted that the IEF technical support team could not put a trace on the mobile.  "I don't understand what Orient Express was thinking.  If only he talked to us longer, we could have pin-pointed his exact location in the tunnels of the newly-expanded Wuxi China Train Station!"

Wuxi China Expatdom's Chief Inspector Harry Callahan Declines British Request for Help

The Wuxi China Expatdom's #1 Law Enforcement Officer,
CI Harry Callahan last night informed the WCE Cabinet that he had
received a message from British police asking him to go to London.

"I received a telegram", said CI Callahan, " from some high-ranking
police chiefs at Scotland Yard, asking me to go there to assist them
with some current "spot of bother" they have on their hands.

"I have no idea what is going on there right now", he said, "however
if it involves some type of felony, well then I'd of course be able to fix that
for them quite easily. "I know how to identify lawbreakers, and how to
sort them out from the innocent people."

"But", he went on, "I told those Scottish Yard bobbys that I wouldn't be accepting their
request, for a number of reasons. Firstly, they told me that they'd be issuing me with
only 12 badges. Secondly, my duty is to remain here in the WCE, pursuing punks
in punk streets, punk bars, punk apartments, punk shops, and any and every other place where
punks hang-out.

"And lastly, I am kinda busy right now, preparing my testimony and forensic
evidence for the forthcoming trial of the Ayatollah of Mordor. The DA told me that
'it will be the trial of the century, and so we must have a watertight case when we go in to
prosecute."

"So, those Limey cops will have to deal with that one themselves".

Rush Limbaugh inducted into Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame

Eyes were raised when famous radio commentator Rush Limbaugh was seen at the opening ceremony of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 at the Wuxi China Train Station.  Many wondered what he was doing in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Limbaugh is a good friend of Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty.  Gorzo has credited Limbaugh along with the likes of Milton Friedman, Frederic Hayek, Margaret Thatcher, and Ronald Reagan for a free-market mini-government philosophy that has seen the Wuxi China Expatdom thrive.

Gorzo, in a rare moment of Monarchial involvement in Wuxi China Expatdom affairs asked the Commissioner of the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame Kennesaw "Hui Shan Landis" to have Limbaugh inducted.  Landis agreed with the induction suggestion and wondered why he hadn't thought of it himself.

Said Landis, "Limbaugh, besides having seven billion world-wide listeners and over-coming some painful afflictions, is a great humanitarian and sportsman.  He has saved more lives than Communism and Nazism and Fascism have killed in all of history.  As a football quarterback, he passed for over 10,000 yards in ten consecutive NFL seasons.  He is the only football player to have won a pair of Grey Cups and Super Bowls.  As a baseball player, he became the first  to ever hit a thousand home runs in the major leagues.  He is the only ice hockey player to have scored 150 goals in a NHL season.  He is the only NBA player to scored two hundred points in a game.  It is unlikely that any other NBA player will ever average 100 points per game in one season as he did in 1998.  Limbaugh's numbers and his benefit for the human race are simply awesome.  He may not have lived all that long in the Wuxi China Expatdom, but he has the spirit of a Wuxi China Expat!"

Two billion ditto-heads attended the induction ceremony.  They cheered lustily as a 1776 meter tall golden statue of Limbaugh was unveiled on the grounds of the Wuxi China Expatdom Museum next to the statue of Harry Moore.  They went into pandemonium as another 1776 meter tall statue was unveiled next to the statue of T.E. Lawrence.

One Hundred Thousand get lost on first day of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011

Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force, the official governing body of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011, reported that 3,000,047 searchers entered the Wuxi China Train Station yesterday, but only 2,899,989 came out at the end of the day.  The 100,000 or so searchers are now the third group, the second major group of importance, to have been lost in the underground tunnels of the newly expanded Wuxi China Train Station.

"Like the Swedish Bikini Team," said Commander Malden, "we don't know where the the hundred grand worth of searchers could have gone to.  It is a real mystery.   However, all of them are volunteers.  So I ask if anyone is taking a train and they see a person wearing a trench coat and rubber boots who looks very disoriented please call the Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 tip line by dialing 119.  Tell the operator you saw a man in trenchies and rubbers."

Asked how the search for the Swedish Bikini Team was progressing, Commander Malden said "We have found a bra top with the initials SBT and a name Ingrid on them.  Ingrid also appears in a copy of the Poolside Harry Moore that was discovered as well.  However, we are baffled by a torn and ripped set of swim trunks we found bearing the initials O.E. and D.H."

HyLite English School voted best English school in the Wuxi China Expatdom

HyLite English School has been voted the Wuxi China Expatdom's best English school for the eighth year in a row in a poll of Wuxi locals conducted by the Ipsus Cornway Polling Institute.

The results of the poll were as follows:

HyLite English 90%

Leprosy International English 3.8%

English Fungus (EF) 3.7%

Nanny Pants English 1%

Gob International English 0.5%

Cher English 0.4%

Midgetre English 0.3%

Pillage International English 0.2%

Englishy English 0.1%

For winning the poll, HyLite English School was presented with the prestigious Tennyson Shakespeare Trophy, emblematic of Wuxi China Expatdom English School supremacy. Andis Kaulins, head trainer at HyLite, was given the honor, this year of hoisting the trophy and carrying it on a victory lap around downtown Wuxi, China.

Later, three million attended a ticker-tape parade for HyLite on Wuxi's Zhongshan Road.

Asked why HyLite was so popular with Wuxi China English Students, Kaulins said "At HyLite we have a commitment to quality and we fire slacker teachers!"

Search for the Swedish Bikini Team at the Wuxi China Train Station officially begins

The three hour official opening ceremony of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011, featuring speeches, ribbon-cuttings, march-passes, fly-bys, dancers and music, was held today at the Wuxi China Train Station.  Eighty million people, including world dignitaries and celebrities like the Pope, the Emperor of Azania, the Wuxi Mayor, Michael Douglas, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Moore, Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty. U.S. Vice President Joe Biden, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and the U.N. Secretary General attended.

During an impassioned speech which had the multitudes screaming "Hail Gorzo!", His majesty the King of Wuxi China Expatom Gorzo the Mighty told the searchers that the hopes of all humanity were with them as they were to brave severe Wuxi summer humidity and venture into the tunnels of the newly expanded Wuxi Train Station without maps.

Pope Benedict XVI ended the ceremony by conducting a mass in which prayers for the safety of the Swedish Bikini Team were uttered.  His holiness then cut the official ribbon and the searchers ran into the tunnels of the Wuxi China Station hoping to be the ones who would find the Swedish Bikiniers.

New Language School Opened in Wuxi China Expatdom

The well-known WCE Expat, Doctor-Professor Bodil
Bent-Troels Poulsen (pron. 'pool-sen'), has bolstered the Expatdom's
world-famous reputation as a seat of learning by opening his new
Danish Language Polytechnic here.


Prof. Pool-sen ('Poulsen'), originally from Copenhagen, is the Dean
of the new Danish school. Situated in a prominent alleyway in the 1912
Bar District, the school is equipped with the very latest, state of the art
teaching facilities, including a blackboard, two desks, quills, and ink-wells.

The erudite and entrepreneurial Professor is also appearing in commercials
on the Expatdom's television channel, promoting his innovative "Danish Made
Easy" learning program.

In the TV advertisements, Prof Poul-sen says "Would you like to impress
your friends and family by being able to speak fluent Danish? "Well now
you can, using my book and audio CD kit "Teach Yourself Danish in Only
One Week!". "That's right, I personally guarantee that if my method doesn't
have you speaking liking a great Dane in just one week, well, then, you
obviously must be an ignoramus".

"Just think, next time you saunter into Gambays, instead of greeting
your Expat friends with the same old "Hi there, my chumsy-wumsy darlings!",
or, the banal "Git outta my way, you rotten drunken punk-b_ _ _ _ _ d!!",
you'll be able to say "jeg vi det, jeg boole kobenz nee-oogun, nee-oogun!
"Durg smurk lurken det-en ogern noof boegh klooken-nooken ti og!

"De fornuufta og samvittighed og de bor hendle moogen? "Oh, broderskabetskursuen
nee-urn urken urken, hmmm!".

"So, order my Danish kit now, payable in easy instalments of just
US$580 per month over 240 months - go on, pick-up your mobile and call NOW!"

Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force almost ready to begin search for missing Swedish Bikini Team

Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Expeditionary Force (WCEIEF), the official search and rescue organization of the Wuxi China Expatdom, announced at a press conference, held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub, that the search for the missing Swedish Bikini Team is almost ready to begin.

 

Said Malden, "The sales and marketing aspects of the Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 are in place.  We have extra sales personnel working at the WCEIEF official memorabilia shop in anticipation of huge demand for Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 and WCEIEF hats, bobble dolls, and t-shirts.  Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky has composed the official search poem.   Berets, not for sale to the general public, bearing the official logo of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 have been issued to regular members of the WCEIEF.  Volunteers have been issued trench coats and rubber boots, bearing the official search logo, that again aren't for sale to the general public.  Admiral Lloyd Bridge of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy has pledged material and naval personnel for the search including scuba divers, submarines, and four aircraft carriers.  Air Marshall Gregory Peck of the WCERAF has pledged material and personnel, as well, including AWAC search planes, helicopters, B-52s, and Hercules transport planes.  Temporary Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Land Force, Brigadier General Viscount Monty Patton, has agreed to provide the WCEIEF with ten divisions of infantry, five tank corps, and eight regiments of artillery.  The owners of Wuxi China's best Expat Pub: Gambay's say they have plenty of beer on hand to quench the thirst of the searchers.  Santiago Cafe owner Augusto Pinochet has lots of beans and pasta to satiate the searchers' hunger.  The three major parties in the Wuxi China Expatdom parliament: the Naturist Party, the Nudist Party's ruling junta, the Wuxi China Expatdom Feminist - Sexpat Cooperative Federation have unanimously pledged support for the search and authorized Prime Minister Mango to provide whatever resources the Expatdom government has to assist in the search.  Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty has given royal approval to the search."

 

Asked if the upcoming First Lady Boxing Championship match between Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: the Chosen One, and U.S. first lady Michelle Obama was to be cancelled, Malden answered that Ayira has agreed to continue on with the fight in order to maintain the morale of the searchers.  "Ayira wanted to help in the search but we convinced her it was more important to box with Ms. Obama."

 

Asked if there were anything putting a snag in the search plans, Malden candidly admitted that the composition of the Swedish Bikini Search Team 2011 official song and symphony had been delayed, and that the WCEIEF was having a hard time finding someone who was familiar with the new tunnels of the Wuxi China Train Station where the Swedish Bikini Team was believed to have gone missing.

King Gorzo the Mighty makes it okay for Wuxi China Expats to be Winnipeg Jets Fans.

After the 2011 Vancouver Hockey Riots, it was only natural that the billion or so Wuxi China Expats who had been Vancouver Canuck Fans would desire to change their allegiance.  The riots revealed a barbaric and unsportsmanlike nature to Canuck fans that was in keeping with the "That's not cricket" philosophy of the better class Wuxi China Expat.  

 

None of the billion or so Expats wanted to be fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs or Ottawa Senators -- teams coming from areas of Canada where belief in Socialism, Socialism-Liberalsim, Liberal Fascism, Cannabalism, Necrophilia, and Man-Boy Love was rampant and mandatory. 

 

All the Wuxi China Expat hockey enthusiasts ultimately hoped to be fans of the Winnipeg Jets who were back in the NHL after 15 years.  Unfortunately Winnipeg was where the Ayatollah of Mordor resided before he had been taken to Hans Island's Guantanamo Detention Facility to face trial for crimes, against humanity and chocolate, committed during his reign as King of Wuxi.  All Wuxi China Expat ice hockey fans felt uncomfortable with cheering for the Jets given Winnipeg's connection with the Ayatollah of Mordor.

 

So, ex-Vancouver Canuck fans in the Wuxi China Expatdom felt they were without a team.

 

That is, till Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty came to rescue.  Gorzo, after talking to Winnipeg mayor Sam Katz, announced that the City of Winnipeg of  the Expatdom of Wuxi, China agreed to sign a treaty where the Ayatollah of Mordor was to be declared personna non grata in Winnipeg and stripped of his Winnipeg citizenship and residential address.  Said Gorzo, "Mayor Katz has told me that all Winnipegers of good will want the stain of association with the Ayatollah of Mordor to wiped from their city.  They feel the treaty is a good start.  Katz has also offered to pay reparations to any Wuxi China Expat who had been made to suffer during the Ayatollah of Mordor's reign as King of Wuxi."

 

After hearing the announcement, ex-Vancouver Canuck Fan and Wuxi China Expat Harry Callahan said "Go Jets Go!"

Wuxi China Expat English Teacher Thinks Firearms are an Essential Part of Language Learning

Wuxi China Expat Ramboski Sledgehammer doesn't see the point of conducting English classes without firearms.  

Says Sledgehammer, who works at a undisclosed middle school in the Hui Shan district of Wuxi, "I found the students to be too shy and quiet when I first taught them.  I immediately realized I had to put the fear of God if was to get them to say something and teach them anything!  The usual practices of  electrocution and making them stand in a corner, or on their head didn't seem to work.  So finally, in a fit of rage, that I occasionally have while teaching, I brought out my trusty 5.65 mm SMG.  I was teaching imperatives as I sprayed rounds over the students' heads when they wouldn't speak.  I then pointed the SMG at one of them and asked to say some imperatives.  He, who had been the quietest student in the class, came up with a lot like "Don't shoot", "Please don't shoot!"  "Don't kill me!", and "No guns in class!"  I was very impressed with all the students' performances the rest of that day -- and it was the turning point in my teaching career.  Still, I also had to make English class an English place with an English atmosphere.  There was still too much Chinese speaking going on.  My shooting any student who spoke Chinese proved to be counter-productive.  But I found that showing the students how to use my pistols, AK-47s, rocket launchers, my Carl Gustav anti-tank weapon, and my old Gatling gun was a way to establish a bond with them.  A bond in blood, but a bond nonetheless.  The students now enforce the no-Chinese rule themselves.  Every class, two students are designated class snipers."  

 

Sledgehammer's favorite lesson?  "I particularly like teaching the present continuous with rifles.  I never get tired of asking the students what I am doing and how with great enthusiasm, they tell me I am bayoneting the class monitor."

 

Does Sledgehammer only use sidearms?  "After training my students to do mortar drill, they will speak nothing but English to each other, because they don't get that sort of training from their other teachers.  Again.  How often can you get Chinese students to use English amongst themselves?"

 

What are his students like now?  "My students are a well-oiled English-speaking killing machine.  I feel sorry for the son-of-bitches they will encounter at the annual Wuxi, China Middle School English Speaking Contest!"

Asked what he thought of the English Teaching in general in China, Sledgehammer said that most of the teachers were slack-assed buck privates who lacked discipline and balls. "95 percent of them aren't worth a warm bucket of spit.  Left-wing degenerates and morons with sociology degrees. I would love to do some basic training on all their sorry asses!  Teach them what life is all about!"

Sledgehammer is from Alberta, Canada, was taught by Jesuits and became a member of the Canadian Airborne Regiment before being discharged for over-enthusiasm during weapons training.  After the abrupt end of his military career, he decided to take a TEFL course.  Looking for places to teach he decided the Wuxi China Expatdom was the place to be.  "Reading about Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty, Prime Minister Mango, and Chief Inspector Harry Callahan," said Sledgehammer, "I realized I had found god-fearing decent leaders worth killing, and even dying for." 

 

Sledgehammer sees himself as a down-to-earth guy who sometimes gets passionate.  "I worship the Virgin Mary and swear worse than a rapper.  And you will never see me mistreat a woman!"

Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force immediately begins search for missing Swedish Bikini Team

With blitzkrieg, leopard-like quickness, Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force (WCEIEF), convened a press conference to announce his search team's plan to find the missing Swedish Bikini Team (SBT).  The SBT went missing in newly added tunnels of the Wuxi China Station on Saturday.

Said Malden, "I am proud to announce that through WCEIEF mobilization efforts and Wuxi China Expatdomite and Expat volunteerism, we will have three million people able to participate in the search.  Seeing how we had only five people participate in the search for the missing Ontario, Canada Expats, I find the amount of people participating in this search to be very gratifying.  I am gladdened to hear that some Wuxi Expats even have left their bar stools to join in the search!  It is six hundred thousand fold increase, you'll see, if you do the math!"

Asked if the Wuxi humidity which had postponed the search for the missing Ontario, Canada Expats, would be a factor in the SBT 2011 search Malden answered, "What is a little sweat, when the fate of one's fellow beings are at stake?  What the IEF is doing, to paraphrase Dickens or somebody, is a finer thing than it have ever done and ever will do.  I think all the volunteers have been inspired by the sacrifice of Christ on the cross for humanity.  And think of Mother Teresa's love of the lowest of the low, the poor, in Calcutta.  There has got to somehow be a connection with that and the massive swell of search volunteers.  Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 will represent man at his best, his most noblest, his most caring, his most courageous, and his most utterly selfless........  Yes indeed, you can ask about the humidity, and I can tell you who cares!  Tis nothing but a few drops that can be easily replenished at Gambay's or the Santiago Cafe -- the official drinking establishments of Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011."

Asked if the marketing was in place for Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011, Malden said, "Our marketing team, our sales team, our product development team, and our product manufacturing team has been on the ball for this one.  Already, we have an official Swedish Bikini Team Search 2011 logo which can be found on t-shirts, cups, and caps at the IEF official memorabilia store.  Within a couple of days, you can expect to see official bobble-head and bobble-chest dolls of the missing Swedish Bikiniers and the IEF Command Team."

The Swedish Bikini Team had arrived at the Wuxi China station in preparation for the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Team Classic which is to be held at the Santiago Cafe in Wuxi.

Swedish Bikini Team goes missing at Wuxi China Train Station

The mood of Wuxi China Expatdomites was subdued after reports circulated that the Swedish Bikini Team, scheduled to compete in Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic 2011, had gone missing at the newly expanded Wuxi China Train Station.

The Swedish Bikini Team was said to have arrived at the Wuxi China Train Station and were even seen by onlookers to have gotten off their train without incident.  The team was last seen entering the subterranean tunnels that join the north and south parts of the Train Station.  

A crowd of thirty million Wuxi China Expatdomites that had come to greet the team, waited and waited at the South Train Station Square for three hours before being ushered away by police.

Wuxi China Train Station observers say that the newly added tunnels at the station have proven to be confusing both for the locals, Expadomites, and Expats.  

Wuxi China Expatdom's Santiago Cafe to host Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic 2011

The Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic (The WCEBC), the world's premier bikini model trade show, competition, and convention, will be held at Wuxi China's Santiago Cafe, the coolest and hippest cafe in all of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  Bikini teams from all over the world including Sweden, Latvia, and Zimbabwe will compete for the coveted HyLite English Trophy emblematic of World Bikini Model supremacy.

 

Three time defending champion Sweden is the favorite to win the HyLite English Trophy again.  2010 WCEBC Runners Up, the Harry Moore Admirers, Bikini Wearers, and Prose Writers Team from Austrailia, however have guaranteed victory in this year's classic.  Candy Sheila, captain of the Harry Moore Bikini Team say they had a "special audience" with the great Wuxi China Expatdom writer, and are now full of inspiration and confidence to finally win the classic after five straight second place finishes.

 

The theme of this year's competition will be Economic Freedom and Hayek.  The speech portion of the competition will see which team can best answer the question "Why is that people who support Hayek are so smart, and the nabobs who oppose Hayek, especially Keynesians are such ignorant asses?"

 

All one hundred million tickets to the WCEBC have been sold out.

Three Millionth human-object couple marries in the Wuxi China Expatdom

Friday night, the 24 hour wedding chapel at Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District, married its 3,000,000th human-object couple since a law was enacted earlier in 2011 in the Wuxi, China Expatdom allowing humans to marry inanimate objects.

The 3,000,000th couple was Edith Crachet, from Kansas, U.S.A.  and her crochet needles.  Asked why she married her crochet needles, Ms. Crachet said they provided her with more pleasure than her deceased husband ever did.

The lucky couple had their ceremony conducted by the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, His Majesty Gorzo the Mighty.  Gorzo's wife Queen Ayira: The Chosen One acted as bride's maid. The lucky couple then received a free meal with drinks at Gambay's, and a limited edition set of Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force bobble-head dolls.

Wuxi China Expatdom's New Air Force Marshal Sworn-In and Honored In A Glittering Massive Ceremony

Addressing the 2.9 billion Expats and media representatives - from every
country on Earth, and from the furthest reaches of the space/time continuum -

gathered at the WCE's Binhu Air Force Base, PM Mango today carried-out the appointment

and swearing-in of the new Air Marshal.

"People of the Wuxi China Expatdom", PM Mango intoned, "I present to you,
Air Marshal of the WCEAF, Lord Gregory Peck!".

The assembled Expats leaped to their feet, shouting and clapping, as Air Marshal
Lord Peck, erect and impassive, strode through the throng, mounted the podium,
and awaited their attention.

As the massive crowd quieted, Air Marshal Peck, in his deep stentorian tones said:
"I stand on this rostrum with a sense of deep humility and pride; pride in the reflection that
I will lead the most powerful air force in all of history, vigilant and ready to
serve, protect, and defend, the liberty of the Expats. "I have but one purpose in
my mind, and body, to serve my Expatdom."

The crowd went wild again. And again. And again. Altogether the Air Marshal's
125-minute address was interrupted by 125 delirious ovations.

"I am", said Lord Peck, "first and last a proud son of the Expatdom. I was born here,

in a humble cottage nestled in the foothills of Hui Shan. In my adulthood, I spent

an interlude in the entertainment industry, but then returned, aloft, in the
wild blue yonder, in command of formidable flying machines. And now - I have
returned!"

At several times during the course of the Air Marshal's speech, both Expats and the
media exchanged puzzled glances at each other, when Lord Peck spoke in a curious,

olde world, perhaps nautical, diction. Referring to the now-confined Ayatollah of Mordor,

the Air Marshal said: "Should that fiend escape his bonds, I'll follow him around Cape
Horn, and around the Norway maelstrom, and around perdition's flames before I'd give
him up. "Melt me down and forge me harpoons and lances - what say ye?".

Returning to the 22nd Century, Air Marshal Peck said that "many Expats have informed
me that they have difficulty understanding aeronautical terminology, when my flyboys
circulate through the 1912 Bar District, and the environs of the Expatdom. If I may,
I will just briefly explain to you all the meanings of what, to us, is everyday language.

- "bombay doors" - hinged devices used for privacy in houses and apartments,
manufactured in India;
- "bogey" - enemy pilots who bear a striking resemblance to a movie actor
who once played a Moroccan bar-owner. Bogeys are always "on your tail!";
- "mayday" - to send a mayday is a call for everyone to take a day off work, once each year";
- "wing strut" - the way I walk when I climb atop my bomber's wings, carrying out my
pre-flight inspection.

The ceremony was concluded by Air Marshal Peck clambering into the cockpit of his fighter-plane, and then dazzling the crowd with a two-hour display of aerobatics.

Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditonary Force to look for Missing Ontario, Canada Expats, eventually.

Karl Malden, commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom International Expeditionary Force, the official search and rescue organization of the Wuxi China Expatdom, says that there are currently no plans for the IEF to look for the Ontario, Canada Expats who went missing at the train station.

 

Said Malden, "It is awfully hot and humid this time of year in the Expatdom, and I don't have the heart to ask my staff to go searching around the train station for missing Expats, especially if they are from Ontario, Canada.  Some of these Expats are probably friends of Duston Short, the English teacher from Leprosy International English anyway.  As well, the new train station, I have heard, is not quite finished yet, and I don't want to bother my recce people about this till the train station is properly finished."

 

Asked if they would ever get around to searching for the missing Expats, Malden said, "If anyone has the time when they walk through the new train station, they are more than welcome to look, but don't bust yourselves doing so by any means. The IEF may well look for them in the Fall when the weather cools down and Gambay's stops its three-for-one special on Tsingtao."

Wuxi China Expat English Teacher from Ontario, Canada loves Cheeseburgers

This is the first of a series of profiles of ordinary Wuxi China Expats.  Today's profile:  Duston Short, English Teacher and Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion from Ontario, Canada.

 

"Me Love Cheeseburgers!"

 

That is what Duston Short, who works as an English Teacher at Leprosy International (LIE) Englsih in Wuxi, China, can be heard to say  every day.

 

How much does he love cheeseburgers?   Despite being only five foot six inches tall, he weighs 225 pounds.  As well, there have many times, at the various Wuxi English schools where Short has been employed, when students and head teachers looking for him because he was late for class have found him at his desk eating a cheeseburger or two.  "Mmm, mmm, hey, hey, oh, oh gog oh!" said Short in an interview with Orient Express, "Me love cheeseburgers so much I do. So I forgot class I to teach!  I hate people be cross to me.  It mean so to I!"

 

Short came to the Wuxi China Expatdom from Ontario, Canada.  He first taught English at LIE English.  He then taught at Little English, English Fungus, World Gob English, various kindergartens, and Nanny Fancypants English, before being rehired at again at LIE.  When he is not late for English class or calling in sick on Saturdays, Short can be seen defending his Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion at a bar in Wuxi that is not Gambay's.  Fred Minkleman, when asked, had nothing good to say about Short who he called "a fat-ass midget orc dwarf midget who won't pay his bar tab."  Inspector Harry Callahan when asked why Short wasn't languishing in a WCE jail, said that it would have been an insult to other prisoners who had a smidgen of morality.  Said Callahan, "We have con-artists, murderers, rapists, and child molesters in the jail who justly ask what it is that they have done to have to share a facility with Short."   Short can as well be seen hanging out at another bar in the Expatdom for women's night so he can get cheap daiquiris.  The sight of Short wearing a dress is a spectacle to be missed.

 

Short, who is his mid-thirties, says he sees himself as a Peter Pan kind of guy.  "Me no want to grow up.  Me want to fly and have mermaids whenever I want.  Me no want kids.  Kids not for me you see.  Me like drink beer.  Me like eat cheeseburger all day.  Me like chocolate bar also.  Me hate work.  Me always sick.  Me don't understand why they don't let me stay job.  My uncle die you know so don't be mad at me!"

 

Asked about his political beliefs, Short said "Me like Obama.  He speak good.  He also cool-looking.  He don't like war.  He want to give everybody a green job that pay lot of money.  Him so smart.  I want my vote to give him!"

 

Asked why he lives in the Wuxi Expatdom, Short said, "Rrrrrrr  Mmmmm  Gaaaaaa  Me have too much friends in Wuxi and some girl friends too also.  And I can eat cheeseburger!  Yum Yum true gah!"

Wuxi China Expatdom concerned about Suzhou China Expat toilets.

The Suzhou China Expatdom says that all its toilet conform with International Standards, but Wuxi China Expatdom minister of public works John John is suspicious.

Said Minister John, "Suzhou Expats only stopped the official practice of open-air defecation two years ago.  It took a disease which wiped out nearly 80 percent of the Expats there to get them to change.  And Suzhou Expats are notorious cutters of corners if you know what I mean."

U.S. Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney visits the Wuxi China Expatdom

U.S. Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney visited the Wuxi China Expatdom on Tuesday seeking an audience with the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

 

Romney told reporters, as he tried to find the King of Wuxi's modest flat in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi, China, that he had come to thank the King for the support he had given to his 2008 presidential run and ask for his endorsement again for 2012.  When told that the King of Wuxi who supported his presidential candidate, the Ayatollah of Mordor, was now in a detention facility on Canada's Hans Island awaiting trial for gruesome acts against humanity, Romney paused and said that he never really liked the Ayatollah of Mordor anyway, and that now that he thought of it. there was something shifty about him.

 

Romney was then asked about quotes he had made in 2008 where he said that "what he was to hair and plastic, the King of Wuxi was to pasty thighs and lard."  Romney said the quotes were taken out of context, and really that nothing could compare to his hair and his proven managerial experience.

 

When confronted with photos of he and the Ayatollah of Mordor cuddling and putting chocolate caramel balls into each other's mouth, Romney said that at least he wasn't using twitter to send photos of  his crotch to other people like Anthony Weiner.

 

Finally when shown photos of he and Ayatollah of Mordor posing in front of the Rhino at the Wu Culture Park in Wuxi, Romney told reporters to "@#$% ^&*!"

 

To add to Romney's frustrations, the current King of Wuxi, Gorzo the Mighty, refused to see him and left him with free coupons for persimmons and leech squishes at Kedi.

 

Wuxi China Expatdom Princess Ayira to fight Michelle Obama for World First Lady Boxing Title.

Wuxi China Expatdom Princes Ayira: The Chosen One will fight Michelle Obama, wife of U.S. president Barack Obama, for the World First Lady Boxing Title, in a 25 round bout scheduled for late July, at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California. 

 

Michelle Obama recently won the World First Lady Boxing Title by having an apparent loss by decision to the Spouse of the Canadian Prime Minister Laureen Harper overturned by a circuit judge in San Francisco.  Ms. Obama said the fight would be the biggest challenge, for her and her lawyers, of her career.

 

Ayira, coming off big victories over U.S. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton and Talk Show Host Oprah Winfrey, sees a victory over First Lady Obama as a way as sealing her reputation as the greatest boxing queen of all human history.  "My last two victories came at home, so I need a win on the road to quiet the naysayers who have said that the Wuxi huge crowds intimidated my opponents.  As well I need an actual title belt."

 

Asked if she was worried about First Lady Obama using shyster lawyers and leftist judges to steal victory, Ayira said "I will have to knock out her ass all the way back to Chicago.  It would be hard for even an Alinskyite judge to overturn an knockout. And besides I hate to have the judges, even honest ones, decide anything.  And since the fight is scheduled to go 25 rounds, I will have plenty of opportunity to knock Obama out!"

 

Bad Blood has existed between Ms. Obama and Queen Ayira since Ayira's days at the University of Chicago studying economics  under Milton Friedman.  Ms. Obama has denounced  Ayira as a fascist for her libertarian economic views. In response, Ayira has called Ms. Obama a "Marxist-Leninist Princess."

 

Tickets for the championship fight sold out with two minutes of becoming available.  Already, ringside tickets are rumoured to be priced at a million, zillion, trillion rmb on the black market.

 

 

Massive Flyover Precedes Appointment of Wuxi China Expatdom's Air Force Marshal

"Orient Express here, reporting to you, 'live', from
downtown Wuxi China Expatdom. The skies above
are filled with the largest-ever aerial armada in all
of history.

"This magnificent display of air-force might, some
800,000 aircraft, is merely a fraction of the Expatdom's
fleet - 328 squadrons of every warplane that has ever
flown, is being flown, and will be flown in the future.

"This flyover commenced almost three hours ago, and
will continue for the next eight hours. Let me assure you,
the noise of these planes makes normal conversations
impossible - Expats are writing notes to each other.
As I made my way through the streets, Expats were staring
up, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, in fact, with all orifices open.

"I'm now on the Palm Court Terrace, atop Gambays, where
Gorzo the Mighty, PM Mango, and senior Expatdom officials
have a superb view of this, this, ....., I'm sorry, I've no words
to adequately describe what we are witnessing here at the moment.

"PM Mango said that this flyover is just the curtain-raiser for tomorrow,
when the Expatdom's Air Marshal will be formally commissioned.
PM Mango said that an expected crowd of at least 2.8 billion Expats
will assemble at the WCE's Binhu Air Force Base at 1400 hours tomorrow,
when the ceremony will begin.

"But both Gorzo The Mighty and PM Mango are remaining tight-lipped
as to the actual identity of the new WCEAF supremo, so we'll all have to wait until
then to find out who the intrepid birdman is.

"About half an hour ago, up here on Gambays' rooftop, PM Mango
suddenly exclaimed to Gorzo The Mighty "Look! Down there on the street -
Hans Klingner, and Kennesaw 'Hui Shan' Landis, are prostating (sic) themselves!!"."

"And in the 1912 Bar District, Expat patrons are all outside, watching this unprecedented,

magnificent spectacle. Some of those Expats even got up off their bar-stools,

for the first time since the Big Bang.

"Tomorrow I'll be joining with the world's - and the inter-galactic, media representives
for what promises to be a momentuous event in the history of the Expatdom."

Gentleman from Verona comes to Wuxi China Expatdom to "Wive it Wealthily"

At a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China, Petruchio, a gentleman from Verona, said he had come to "wive it wealthily" in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Asked if he was looking for a young or rich wife, Petruchio said "If wealthily then happily in the Wuxi China Expatdom. If my wife has a bag of gold, do I care if the bag be old? I've come to wive it wealthily in the Wuxi China Expatdom."

Responding to the ire of local media who said he was a bad man, Petruchio said "I heard you mutter, "Zounds, a loathsome lad you are."  But I can tell you, in all honesty that I shall not be disturbed one bit if she be but a quarter-wit, and if she only can talk of clothes, while she powders her god-damned nose, for I've come to wive it wealthily in the Wuxi China Expatdom."

Asked if he was full of crazy expectations for a wife that could be found in the Expatdom, Petruchio said, "'Twouldn't give me the slightest shock if her knees now and then should knock, if her eye were a wee bit crossed, and were she wearing the hair she'd lost.  Still the damsel I'll make my dame.  In the dark they are all the same. Yes!  I've come to wive it wealthily in the Wuxi China Expatdom."

Responding to questions he was a cad, Petruchio said, "I resent those accusations.  I can tell you I won't mind if she fret and fuss, if she fume like Vesuvius, if she roar like a winter breeze on the rough China seas, if she screams like a teething brat, if she scratch like a tiger cat, or if she fight like a raging boar. As well, I have oft stuck a pig before.  I have tested my kung fu skills against Pandas.  So, read my lips: I've come to wive it wealthily in the Wuxi China Expatdom."

Members of Petruchio's entourage added that their gentleman from Verona intended to wive it wealthily with "with a hunny, nunny, nunny, and a hey, hey, hey, and an oi, oi, wink, wink, wink!"  To which Petruchio added "Not to mention money, money, money, honey, honey, for a rainy day!"

Ontario, Canada Expats lost at Wuxi China Train Station

The newly expanded Wuxi Train Station, with its network of new tunnels and stairways, has claimed its first victims. 

Last week, seven Expats from Ontario, Canada, who had come to the station to catch a train to Shanghai went missing.  They were last seen entering a tunnel which should have taken them to a platforms on the north side of tracks.  Train officials say the seven Expats definitely did not board their train.  Experts on the foibles of Ontario, Canada Expats speculate that the missing Expats must have been confused by the signs, or had gone to the bathroom, or forgot why they were at the train station.

This is the fourth time this year that Ontario Expats in Wuxi have made headlines.  Earlier, seven Ontario Expats had gone missing after a protest at Harry Moore Square whre they were last seen demanding  pork chops and molasses.  In May, another seven Ontario Expats were swallowed by the Kraken in Lake Taihu.  And a group of ten Ontario Expats are still in hospital suffering from severe concussions after all tried to look inside a cupboard at the same time last week.

In response to the latest crisis, the Wuxi China Expatdom has created a new ministry to deal with the problems caused in the Expatdom by Expats from Ontario, Canada with a special department designed specifically to deal with Expats from Toronto.

Wuxi China Expatdom to hold Nude and Naturist World Snooker Championships

Wuxi, China has become a snooker hotbed of sorts due to famous local players such as Ding Junhui and Liang Wenbo.  Recently, it hosted the Wuxi Classic snooker tournament featuring local stars and word-class snooker players.

Now, thanks to Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty and his people's Prime Minister Mango who have contributed to the Expatdom's increasing global presence, the World Championships of both Nudist and Naturist Snooker will come to the Expatdom.  The two world championships will be held simultaneously in the 60,000 seat Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of China in August.  

Wuxi China Expatdom Snooker Commissioner  Angus "sticks" Murphy proudly announced the Expatdom's plans to host the tournaments at a press conference held at the Dorothy Sayers Lunch Room of the Santiago Cafe across the street from the Wanda Plaza in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi, China.  Murphy, when asked if the two tournaments would hold a "Super Bowl" championship final, could only say "we will have to see!" in a demure, but coy manner.

What are the differences between Nudist and Naturist snooker?  Both play by the same rules on the same kinds of tables, but the traditions and behavior surrounding the two games are much different.  Nudist snookerers believe that wearing clothes and keeping score are "bourgeois conceits."  Nudist snookerers believe in let it all hang out, and that opposing players should hug and pat each other after successful shots.  Furthermore, the player who wins the game is not said to have won, but to have been more fortunate.  Consequently, it is hard to determine who is the real World Champion of Nudist Snooker.  Naturist Snooker players believe that snooker should be played as God intended it before the fall of man and his ejection from the Garden of Eden.  So, Naturist believe that snooker is a competitive game with winners and losers, where the winners are humble and the losers are gracious.  The greatest Naturist Snooker player of all-time is Saint Augustine of Hippo who won ten consecutive world naturist championships from 2000 to 2009.  In 2010, Augustine was dethroned by current champion Mark Williams from South Wales.

Expat laments decreasing number of fields in Wuxi, China to frolic in.

There is nothing long-time Wuxi China Expat Andis Kaulins likes than frolicking in a green field while bare-foot and naked.  

However, in his time spent in the Wuxi China Expatdom, opportunities to engage in this harmless, decent, and humanistic activity have become less and less for the English Teacher and philosopher, who is the chief intellectual force behind the philosophy of naturism.

"The locals like to pave things over, tear things down and replace them with newer things like tall buildings and shopping centers, of which they can't seem to build enough." said Kaulins.  " A perfectly good field near my home has been walled up so that construction on another shopping center can take place.  And all the time the field was there, I fantasized about bearing able to frolic in it.  I could only slap myself on the forehead when I saw that the opportunity I had to frolic in that particular field was gone and would never return in my life time.  And sadly this is not the first time that a perfectly good venue for grass frolicking has been paved over."

Andis Kaulins denounced by Wuxi China Expatdom Film Goers Society

In a tersely written press release, the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Goers Society (WCEFGS) denounced Andis Kaulins.  

The reason?  Kaulins has never seen Doctor Zhivago.  "How?" asked the press release, "could a guy, who has proudly boasted of seeing Lawrence of Arabia, and Bridge over the River Kwai, never bothered to watch Zhivago?  The holy trinity of Lean films, and he has seen only two?   Zhivago, in our humble view at least, is not in the same league as Lawrence, however Lean's meticulous craft is apparent in every frame, and, he re-united again with the equally brilliant cinematographer, Freddy Young, so it does link with Lawrence in many aspects.  So why hasn't Mister Kaulins seen the film?  Send him to the dungeon!  Make him watch the complete archive of grade "b" science fiction films that the Ayatollah of Mordor enjoyed so much!"

Top ten ways to deal with Wuxi China Expatdom Summer Humidity

Wuxi China Expats are made of better stuff than other Expats.  Wuxi China Expats never shirk a challenge. True Wuxi China Expats never leave ithe Expatdom in the Summer because that would mean missing the most challenging time of the year.  By doing the following ten things in the Wuxi China Expatdom Summer humidity, a novice Wuxi China Expat will be be able obtain the manly aura of a true Wuxi China Expat:

1. Go Swimming in Lake Taihu.
2. Practice Naturism
3. Wear a towel on one's head.
4. Real the Poolside Harry Moore at the small beach at Lihu Lake.
5. Stare at the wondrous photos in the Poolisde Harry Moore while sitting in an air-conditioned room.
6. Read Harry Moore's latest novel, Achillius, a day in the life story of a Wuxi Expat which parallels the events of Homer's Iliad.
7. Drink lots of cold beverages at Gambay's Pub, voted Wuxi China's best Expat Pub, in the 1912 Bar District.
8. Hang out at one of the many bridge decks in the Wuxi China Expatdom.
9. Go to an air-conditioned shopping center and try to find deodorant.
10. Drink ice-coffees at the Cafe Santiago, recently voted Wuxi China's best expat coffee house, on Zhongshan Road near the #2 People's Hospital.

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister asks which country should be more ashamed of itself: the U.S.A. or Canada?

Wuxi China Expatdom Pirme Minister Mango, in the weekly Prime Ministerial broadcast on Radio Wuxi China Expatdom, choose to discuss two countries which celebrate national days in early July:  Canada and the U.S.A. 

 

Both countries,said PM Mango, usually had a lot to be proud of.  "However, recently both countries have done things that have blotted their reputation in the world and certainly in the Wuxi China Expatom.  The United States have elected an imbecile to be their president.  Obama is a really dunderhead.  You would think Obama's governing style was copied from Canada's contributions to bad and idiotic leadership: Pierre Eliot Trudeau and the Ayatollah of Mordor.  These three leaders constitute the three stooges of the political world.  Which one is Larry?  Which one id Moe?  Which one is Curly?  Take your pick....  Or better yet, walk away.  These days are days of shame for these two formerly fine countries.  Some good arguments can be made to support the case that either of these countries should be more ashamed of itself."

Wuxi China Expatdoms' Drinkers Club Declare Harry Moore A Teetotalist

The Expat Drinker's Society, whose members meet dozens of time each day
in the prestigious inner sanctum sanctorum of Gambays, have declared Harry Moore
to be a dangerous adherent of teetotalism.
In an angry article published in the Society's newspaper, The Daily Dipsomaniac,
Moore is accused of sobriety, puritanical and boorish elitist standoffnishness, and
"absolutely no fun at all". Harry Moore's specific criminal behaviour is described
as "an undesirable tendency to avoid public, or private drunken buffoonery".
Further, that "Moore not only abstains from all intoxicating liquids, including
Tsingtao, but drinks only pure rainwater collected in old tin cans, buckets, and other
receptacles. And, even on special occasions, such as Sir Dean Martin's birthday, Moore
only consumes purified distilled H2O, which he obtains from car battery retailers".

The article concludes that Harry Moore's heinous crimes place him "in the
category of being Un-Expatish, Un-Australian, Un-Reguritating, Un-Unsteady On
His Feet, and of being the only Expat male Australian to ever leave the 1912
Bar District in a non-horizontal, stretcher-carried condition."

Wuxi China Expats vote "no" to Anti-Circumscription Initiative

Wuxi China Expats voted "no" by a margin of 80 percent to 20 in a special anti-circumscription referendum held June 30.  It was the first ever citizen's initiative referendum to take place in the Expatdom.

A group from Ontario, Canada, inspired by a similar initiative in San Francisco, USA, were able to collect the 30 million signatures necessary to get their initiative on a referendum ballot.  "Circumscription is a cruel, ancient practice that should be stopped!" said initiative spokesman "Big" Bobby Glubber.  "I don't see how we Wuxi China Expats, as a people, living in this day and age, and in this time and place, should tolerate this practice."

However, opponents of the initiative were able to easily win the Referendum by pointing out that was nothing wrong with enclosing, outlining, or drawing a figure round another figure so that it touched it at all points without cutting it.  

It was only after the results of the referendum came in that the "yes" side had mixed up the thing they were campaigning against with something else.  Said another Wuxi Expat from Ontario, "We wanted to stop that thing where they chop off your whatyoucallit off you Mister Mordor!"