Swedish Bikini Team's Captive Orient Express Message: "Help!"

At today's tightly-packed media conference, IEF Commander
Karl Malden, and Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, released the

note and photographs sent by the Team's captive, Orient Express.

"He is still somewhere in those tunnels", said Malden. "The note

and the photographs have been exhaustively examined, and we are

releasing them to the media, and The Expat public, in the hope

that someone can shed some light on this matter. "One of the
mysteries", he said, "is how this package was delivered here - we

suspect that it may be an inside job".

"You'll immediately see that OE's letter is somewhat incoherent, and badly-worded.
We attribute that to the harsh conditions in which he is being held."
CI Callahan the projected the pictures and the note onto a huge visual display, and
journalists leaned forward and squinted, to read the note's contents: -

"Dear Anyone,
Am still in the tunnels, and the Swedish Bikini Team won't let
me go anywhere. They subject me to all kinds of humiliating and cruel treatment.
But they allowed me to write this note.

"There are two photographs accompanying my letter. One shows me as I was before being

captured, a decent, humble, Joe Average. That picture was taken on a typical
day, when I'm occupied with helping little old ladies across the street,

writing news reports for the WCE, and, my voluntary cooking and cleaning
work at a nearby retired folks rest-home."
The other one was taken down here by one of my captors, and as you can see,
I'm now in a filthy state, with mental and physical exhaustion.

"They force me to learn Swedish, to talk Swedish, to walk Swedish, and

they told me to forget all about the Wuxi China Expatdom.
Six times a day I must read, then recite, every single item-description from
the IKEA catalogue. If I get even one krona wrong, they put mice down my pants.

"They make me watch DVD movies - ten hours every day. The Bikini lady named

'Birgitta' screamed at me: 'No more Lawrence O'Toole-David Lean- Omar Kwai

for you! You will only watch, and enjoy, every Swedish movie starring
Greta Garbo, Ingrid Bergman, and Max Von Sydow!', she cackled.

"There are thousands and thousands of cats down here. They're

all friendly and gentle critters, and I at least had their companionship

in this dark dungeon. But the Bikini women decided that I must not
have any comforts here at all, so they chased all those cats away.
Yes, that's right, I was forced to endure the horrendous Dearth
of a Thousand Cats!

" Please send Harry Callahan, or Andis Kaulins down here to liberate me, and

arrest these nefarious valkyries, or maybe get a posse together.

"Oh, and if anyone lasciviously suspects that there is any 'funny business' going on down here,

well, definitely not!

(signed - with a scrawl, 'Orient Express')