Wuxi China Expat designer wins prestigious international underwear-design award.

Wuxi China Expat Underwear Designer Pierre Fruit De Loom says he has designed underwear that meets the challenges of living in China in the 21st century.

The Committee International Pour Le Design De La Underwear (CIPLDDLU) has agreed with him and awarded him  the 2011 Coupe Gatch, the Stanley Cup of Underwear Design.

De Loom's awarding design "the Loomis Excelsior", besides providing adequate support and absorbency so that an Expat can walk in public in confidence, is compatible with state of the art computer networking that hasn't even been invented yet.  Wearing the Loomis Excelsior, wearers can access Wi-Fi, Hi-Fi, Low-Fi, Sci-Fi, Blue Tooth, the next thirty generations of Apple Apps, Star-Trek teleporting, all the latest bio-tech synchronicitic molecules, and the latest accu-weather forecasts.

De Loom has especially catered to the Sexpat with his Loomis Excelsior design.  Said De Loom: "I am knowing that da most of da Expats are over the seas so they can meet da young girls.  My underwear can give them da via da agra da boost they want at their older age!"

De Loom, a self-described student of the history, has equipped his Loomis Excelsior underwear with all the latest military and defense capabilities.  "It has the seven-six-twos and twenty-two rounds to shot in case the dynasty falls and you are in the countryside!  You never knew when Chinese history goes dramatique!  And you can turn your Loomis Excelsior Underwear inside-da-out if you are on a long business trip!"

"And of course," finished De Loom, "Loomis Excesior Underwear comes in da wide variety of the colors.  If you like Soviet or da hippie druggie Paisley, you will be very satisfied with my underwear design!"

Japanese Expatdoms beg to become colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom

Several Japanese Expatdoms including the Tokyo Japan Expatdom and the Yokohama Japan Expatdom, have imploringly applied for Wuxi China Expatdom colonial status.  They are the first non-Chinese Expatdoms to apply.

Leader of the Japanese Expatdom delegation visiting the Wuxi China Expatdom, Aaron Rodgers, said that there a multitude of reasons that Expatriates living in Japan wanted to be subjects of his majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty.  

"Firstly!", said Rodgers who is the starting quarterback of the Tokyo Imperial Packers of the Japan Expat Football League, "We are admiring and envious of  all that you have here in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  We look across the sea at you and are full of jealousy.   What Gorzo has accomplished in the last year is simply miraculous, even if it has looked easy for him!"

"Secondly!", said Rodgers, "We have too many robot expats in JE's.  We really need more humans.  And the WCE, with a population now of over forty million expats, can surely spare us some.  We would gladly take your Ontario, Canada expats off your hands!"

"Thirdly, the Expats we do have in the TJE and the YJE and the HJE are really sad stuff.  They are wet-pant pansies who worry constantly about Tsunamis, giant lizards, giant mosquitoes, and nuclear radiation.  We hope that we can encourage some of your more prominent Expats like Harry Moore, Harry Callahan, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Colonel Harlan Sanders, and Rabbi Benny Moskovitz to come here and breed!  Improve our stock as it were! I know hope that your Chief Inspector Callahan can arrest that giant marauding lizard!"

"Finally, we want Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society president Harry Moore to star in the latest Godzilla movie, and to reprise his great speech he made about Japanese movies on his recent visit to Tokyo."

President Moore, who is also minister in charge of Wuxi China Expatdom colonies, laughed heartily and threw back his dazzling dark locks, when he heard he had more work to do.  "There is nothing I like more than to bring a little light into the dark lives of those who don't live in the Wuxi China Expatdom!"  said the President/Minister.

A Country and Western Saloon Bar Street opens in the Wuxi China Expatdom

The Wuxi China Expatdom now has its own Wild West territory now that the Double Happiness Country and Western Saloon Bar Street has opened in the Hui Shan New Economic Development Zone area.

With over 3,000 Bars and Saloons including Hang Em Hai, Midnight Kau Boy, Bobby's Ganbei Bar, Tanglefoot's, The Bull's Head, the Chicken's Feet, the Pig's Stomach, the Happy Bottom Drink House, Miss Kitty's Country Club, The Ornery Dragon, The Cactus Panda, Bamboozle's, Bend An El-Bao and the Triple Ante, the Double Happiness Country and Western Saloon Street has already surpassed all of Nashville and Texas as the place for Cowboy Expats to go.

Abraham "Tex Mex Oklahoma Montano Wild Earp" Gulch, Manager of the Double H, tells the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog that there is more than just drinking and bargirling and playing poker for patrons to pass their time.  "We also got cinemas showing every John Wayne movie ever made, 100,000 horses to rent, 4,000 miles of creeks in which ye can prospect for gold, 2,000,000 authentic red-skinned Indians from America and New Delhi whom you can challenge if you don't mind taking a chance on losing your scalp, and of course the Super-Duper Grand Ole Oprey which is twenty times the size of the original and for which we have signed Country Music stars Garth Creeks, Johnny Credit Card, Johnny Cash Junior, Hall H. Tom, Ron Lindstadt, thirty nude Dolly Partons, and the Brisbany Chicks to perform exclusively for the next twenty years!  And you won't want to miss the Wuxi China Expatdom Rodeo which runs everyday of the year except Christmas!  But if you really want a challenge you will have to see if you can out-draw Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, currently the quickest draw in the Expatdom and all its colonies!  His record after the first day is 144-0!"

Wuxi China Expats, to a man, said they "was pretty excited" by the new Country & Western Bar Street.  Hans Zimmerman, from Germany, a self-described fan of Duke John Wayne, said he looked forward to giving his long underwear an evening off and wearing but nothing but chaps.  McNulty, an Expat from Baltimore Maryland, said he looked forward to using his spurs on horses for the first time, as well as being able to buy nooses at the one billion square meter Triple H General Store.  John Hefner, co-leader of Wuxi China Expatdom Feminist-Sexpat Alliance, said he looked forward to seeing Dolly Parton's pair.  Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander Admiral Lloyd Bridges said he hoped the Double H had a place he could tie up his sea-horse Bessie.  Duston Short, from Ontario, Canada said he was excited about the Double H because the way he figured it, he had an aptitude for cowboying since he has always been compared to a horse's rear end.  

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore, who is has become tired of being shot at by disparate factions of the WCEFAS, was convinced to make a speech at the Double H's official opening ceremony, to be held on Tuesday, about his thousand favorite Western movies of all time.  He only agreed after the bullet-proof bubble from which he would speak had air conditioning and central heating installed.

Three thousand Wuxi Expats executed for violating curfew

Three thousand Wuxi Expats were executed after violating a midnight curfew that had been declared by Lieutenant McNulty, acting Chief Inspector of the Royal Wuxi China Exaptdom Mounted Police (RWCEMP).  All the Expats were arrested and summarily executed on the order of McNulty if they were found on the streets after midnight Friday night.

Prime Minister Mango admitted surprise at the curfew.  "It wasn't my idea!" insisted the PM.

One Expat who managed to escape being executed, said he had heard about the curfew but thought it was a Thanksgiving Day joke.  "My friends too, as well, thought a joke it was!" said the Expat Duston Short, an English Teacher, who insisted on not being identified in media reports.

His Majesty the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty expressed sympathy for the deaths but didn't apologize for them.  "Most of those executed were English Teachers so it was no big loss!"

The regular RWCEMP CI Harry Callahan, who was carrying out his governorship duties in the Suzhou China Expatdom Colony, blamed the executions on McNulty's over-enthusiasm for dealing with English Teaching Punks.  "I will have a talk with McNulty in my office when I get back!" said CI Callahan in an interview with WCE Blogspot.

CI Callahan later told WCE wordpress that the curfew would still be in effect till he got back from the SCE.  "I look at the curfew as an interesting experiment."

Wuxi Expat marries Battleship

Wuxi Expat Jürgen Wattenberg has married the Battleship WCERN Carole Lombard. Wattenberg married Lombard at a ceremony held at the Gambay's Pub Marriage Chapel #2 which is located by the canal that runs past the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.

3,000 guests attended the ceremony. They saw Wattenberg enter the chapel wearing his father's old U-Boat Commander uniform.

Presenting the bride was Admiral Lloyd Bridges who was able to find a way to get the battleship to enter the chapel. Entering the chapel, the Admiral dressed resplendently in his WCERN Admiral uniform, accompanied the battleship which was draped in a gorgeous silk canopy cover custom-made in the Suzhou China Expatdom Colony for the occasion.

Wattenberg insisted on reading his own vows when asked by the minister conducting, Frank Minkleman. Declared Wattenberg: "I take you my dear WCERN Carole Lombard, and your 45,00 tons of displacement to be my lawful wedded companion. I will worship every inch of you from your 527 feet of length, your beam of 82 feet, and your draft of 26 feet. I will always maintain 18 Babcock & Wilcox 3-drum water-tube boilers with Parson single-reduction geared steamed turbines. I promise that I and a complement of 695-773 men (or women) will always be there to care for you. I will love you till death or the removal of your 10 x BL 12 in. L/45 Mk.X guns mounted in 5 twin B Mk.VIII turrets, your 27 x 12-pdr 18 cwt l/50 Mk.I guns, single mountings P Mk.IV, or your 5 x 18 in. submerged torpedo tubes!"

When asked to Wattenberg's hand in marriage, the WCERN Carole Lombard fired off all her 10 x Bl 12 in. L/45 Mk.X guns. It was taken as an affirmative by Minkleman.

After Fred Minkleman declared them married, Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio sang "You are the wings beneath my sails!"

The couple will honeymoon in Saskatchewan in January.

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan begins cleaning up the Suzhou China Expatdom Colony

Suzhou China Expatdom Colony Governor and Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan has begun the process of cleaning up the Suzhou China Expatdom.  

The Suzhou China Expatdom's leaders, feeling they were no longer able to deal with their many social problems, recently applied for and received colony status from the Wuxi China Expatdom and now have Callahan in their Expatdom dispensing his cleansing brand of crime-fighting.

The first thing Governor Callahan did was rid the Suzhou China Expatdom's East Side Housing Projects of drugs and prostitutes  The projects had been the virtual fiefdom of the notorious drug gangsters the Barksdale brothers: Avon, Chanel, Maybelline, and Revlon.  Till Callahan ended the  Barkdales' rule, the projects in the Suzhou China Expatdom's East Side had been eyesore with addicts, used needles, and dead bodies strewn all across its landscape.

How was it that that Callahan was able to put down the Barksdales in two days when previous attempts by the Suzhou China Expatdom, over a period of ten years, had come to nothing?  Callahan said it was easy.  "I walked down to the Barksdales' hiding place with guns a blazing.  They fired artillery and mortars at me, and called me pig, but it was to no avail.  I easily crossed through their minefields, captured them, and cuffed them all to my car. I then dragged them around the shores of Lake Taihu for a day and a half.  I let the Taihu sharks have a few bites at them.  What was left of the Barksdales was crying for mercy, calling me Lord Smith and Wesson, saying they would never teach English or sell drugs in China ever again!"

Callahan said his next task will be clean up the projects on the Suzhou China Expatdom's West Side where the Corneolli brothers run a Caramel Ball Concession.

Wuxi China Expatdom's Taihu Lake now boasts the best tuna and marlin fishing in the world.

Above: E Hemingway shows off a fish he caught in the junior fishing pond of Lake Taihu.

Wuxi China Expatdom -- Thanks to the subduing of the Kraken and the constant patrol of Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy commanded by Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Wuxi China Expatdom's Lake Taihu has become the World's number one destination for sport tuna and marlin fishing.

Santiago Manolin, a Wuxi Expat who has fished Taihu for fifty years, says "that ever since Admiral Lloyd and the boys subdued the Kraken, the Tuna and the Marlin in Taihu are now bigger than Sperm Whales. They used to be half the size of the ones you can catch near Cuba. Just last week, I had a marlin pull my skiff for five days before I was finally able to harpoon it in the side. I have taken the money I got for back at the Wuxi fish market and bought myself a Porsche Cayenne."

Manolin also credits the constant patrol of the WCERN for the increased size of the Tuna and Marlin in Taihu. "There are a lot of great white sharks in Taihu that were constantly feeding on the marlins and tuna before they could grow to full maturity. Admiral Lloyd, as you may know, loves nothing better than to jump in water and fight the great whites. And when he is not around, the great whites also have to worry about his battleships dropping depth charges into their housing projects letting them know who is boss!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies to star in Stud Man and the Seven Dwarves

Bestselling author, Sex Symbol, Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President, and Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies Harry Moore has found time in his busy schedule to star in the latest Wuxi China Expatdom Mammoth Pictures production:  Stud Man and the Seven Dwarves.

President and Minister Moore will play the Stud Man in a film billed as the Snow White and Seven Dwarves story from a he-man's perspective.  Co-starring as the Dwarves will be Brad Pitt, Pierce Bronslin, Clint Eastwood, George Clooney, Sean Penn, and anatomically correct replicas of Steve McQueen and Charles Bronson.  Playing  Moore's love interests will be the Swedish Bikini Team, all the Miss USAs and Miss Australias since 1998, one thousand Victoria Secret's models and every Playboy Centerfold girl since 1962.

For the privilege of starring in a movie with Moore, Pitt and George Clooney have paid billion dollars to the WCE Mammoth Pictures, guaranteeing the production a profit before it has even begun shooting.  Clooney and Pitt said they believed that being in the movie was a break they needed to become something more than just superstars.

El Presidente Andis Kaulins Wins Wuxi China Expatdom's Clay Pigeon Albatross

El Presidente Andis Kaulins, the most-accomplished marksman in all
Expatdoms, has taken out the grand prize at the WCE's inaugural clay pigeon shooting tournament.

Staged aboard the afterdeck of the WCERN flagship, Fred Astaire, which was manouvered deftly into the middle of Lake Taihu. Over 180,000 wannabe contestants from the WCE's dependent colonies were eliminated in Saturday's qualifying rounds.

The finals were fought-out by the most-accomplished shot-gunners in the whole world, including international competitors. From England came HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, and his team-mate, George Bernard Shaw.

Representing north America were Phil Silvers and James Cagney.

El Presidente Kaulins, and Topol, represented the hopes and dreams of all Canadians, as well as the 28 million spectators from the Wuxi China Expatdom, and it's numerous, far-flung diasporas.

Admiral Lloyd Bridges acted as judge, referee and arbitrator. Adressing the competitors, Judge Admiral Bridges gave a briefing on the clay pigeon shooting rules and procedures. "Now listen", he said, "when you're in the correct firing-stance, raise your weapon skyward, shout "pull", and one of my gobs will release the clay target from the trap".

The competition didn't go as smoothly as had been planned. Prince Philip, totally misunderstanding the concept of shooting clay targets, unleashed a continuous barrage of buckshot which succeeded in bringing down 28 real pigeons, two light aircraft, 14 bats, 11 squirrels, and an aardvark.

George Bernard Shaw failed to shoot his gun at all. Instead, he stood at the carrier rail, and uttered endless witticisms, bon mots and epigrams. Warned twice by Judge Bridges, Shaw was finally disqualified for launching into a
15-minute solliloquoy on Pig-Malion.

A solemn hush fell on the lake as El Presidente Kaulins stepped up to the shooting platform. Hefting his trademark, customised, 14 gauge, triple-barrelled
Krupp, fitted with a laser-digital telescopic sight, Andis yelled "pull", and
bagged 1,136 clay pigeons in a row.

Cocking his shotgun to fire the next rounds, El Presidente's attention was momentarily caught by a passing albatross, believed to be the last surviving one in the Expatdom. Suddenly extinct, the bird was retrieved by Admiral Bridges who unhesitatingly leapt into the lake. He then ordered the Fred Astaire's taxidermist to preserve, mount, and gold-enamel the albatross as a fitting trophy for El Presidente.

The tournament concluded, WCHOF custodian and musician Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, sitting at a majestic Wurlitzer organ, led the by-now frenzied, adoring crowd
in a rousing rendition of "Oh Canada".

James Cagney provided the only disruptive note as he marched around the carrier-deck singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy", which caused a furious Colonel Harlan B. Sanders to grapple with Cagney and they both fell overboard. An ever-obliging Admiral Bridges swan-dived into Taihu and rescued the pair before the sharks and baby-krakens had a chance to move in.

Wuxi China Expatdom rated the world's most ethical tourist destination

The Wuxi China Expatdom has been rated the world's premier destination for ethical travelers.  The top rating came from The World Ethical Travel Society (WETS) based in Medicine Hat, Canada.

Said WETS President Leon Trotsland:

"As the world becomes ever more interconnected, travelers must go to places with good ethics are easy to follow.  Travelers today, more than ever, are aware of the impact that governments and individuals have on freedom and the pursuit of happiness.  Travelers should ensure that their increasing economic power is not wasted propping up tyrannies and other centralized bureaucratic edifices.  Deciding where to visit in this world is a moral decision.  Travelers don't want to be useful idiots for a regime.

Every year WETS, after extensive research, publishes a list of the ten most ethical places to visit in the world.  This destinations are often not glamorous.  But WETS has never been one to court to the tastes of the cool, Bohemian, or hip.

This year however, we can only list one place as being ethical and that is the Wuxi China Expatdom.  With its libertarian economic system, policing of Harry Callahan, and the freest gun laws on the planet, the Wuxi China Expatdom is the only place that any traveler with ethics can go.  No where else even comes close.

And as a bonus, everything you can find everywhere else in the world can be found in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  It has great beaches, naturism, great mountains, great food, great sports franchises, wonderful climate, great culture, bargain shopping, wonderful religious shrines, and exact replicas of many of the rest of the world's great tourist sites.  Only in the Wuxi China Expatdom, can you visit the Eiffel Tower and not feel that you are economically benefiting the French.

Yes, Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty is to be saluted for creating and ruling the world's greatest and most ethical tourist destination!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate appointed Governor of Nanjing China Expatdom Colony

Alfred Lord McClusky, Poet Laureate of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has been appointed governor of the Nanjing China Expatdom Colony.  Minister of the Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies Harry Moore appointed McClusky, after receiving royal assent from his majesty the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty.

Asked why he appointed a poet, who hangs out at a pub and who has no administrative experience, to be a colonial governor, Minister Moore said that Nanjing Expats were generally a pretentious bunch who like to hang out at cafes and read novels and praise sodomy.  "Being an Expatdom of intellectual mamby-pambies who know nothing better than to adopt insider sophists pose -- the "I am from Nanjing blah blah blah and I am with the people oi oi oi whatever" talk they do -- it is obvious the Nanjing China Expatdom doesn't need a technocrat to look after its affairs -- it needs a poet.  Besides, I think that Nanjing Expats are too far gone in their navel-gazing, alcoholic, Bohemianism, to be ruled by none other that the Wuxi Expat who best exemplifies navel-gaving, alcoholic Bohemian excess, Alfred Lord McClusky!"

Minister Moore added that McClusky knew many words that rhymed with "Nanjing."

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President delivers speech in Tokyo

Despite an attempt on his life by a squadron of Kamakazi Pilots, Giant Monsters, and Samurai Warriors, Wuxi China Expatdom Society President Harry Moore made what was probably the most well-received speech of his world movie talk tour in Tokyo, Japan on Saturday night.

Speaking to a crowd of sixty million about great Japanese Film Directors like Kobayashi Masaki, Nakata Hideo, Sasaki Hiroshisa, and Masahiro Shinoda, Moore brought the crowd into a frenzy.  Every sentence uttered by President Moore was greeted by deafening roars of Banzai!  Halfway through the speech, the crowd declared Moore to be a deity more sacred than their emperor.

When President Moore was able to ward off a squadron of assassin Kamakazi pilots flying 40,000 planes including B52s, Lancasters, and Boeing 767 superliners, the audience tore down Mount Fuji and built a sacred shrine dedicated to Moore.

President Moore, his hair a bit frazzled, then spoke about some of his favorite Japanese actors including Toshiro Mifune, Ken Wattanbe, Ikuta Tome, and Matsuda Shota.

Halfway through his talk about Japanese Actors, Moore survived another assassination attempt this time by Giant Lizards, Moths, Gorillas, Insects,  and Rats in alliance with one million sword bearing Samurai Warriors.

The usual suspects, members of the exiled Quentin Tarantino faction of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, took credit for the assassination attempts.

The assassination attempts only made the crowd more enthusiastic for Moore.  At the conclusion of the speech and its fifty encores, the crowd formed the longest conga line in Japanese history in which the Japanese Prime Minister, the Japanese Emperor, and Godzilla joined in.

Afterwards, President Moore said that the speech at Tokyo would be the last of his world move talk tour.  Moore says he will now devote his talents to administering the thousand colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "I have a ton of appointments to make" said Moore.  He also said that he now knew why the Beatles decided to stop giving live performances in the mid-sixties.  "It is hard to talk when a million screaming men and woman keep interrupting you with applause and fervent ardor.  I think, from now on, I will sell MP3s of my movie talks on Itunes."

The Wuxi China Expatdom now the number one destination in the world for mountain climbers

Thanks to Hank Balansky's Mountain Park, the Wuxi China Expatdom is now the number one destination in the world for serious mountain climbers.

Balansky, a Wuxi Expat from Saskatchewan, has built a Mountain Theme Park in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi that contains ten authentic and true-to-scale replicas of the most challenging mountains to climb in the world including K2, Kanchenjunga, Nanga Parbat, Pomiu, Lhotse, and Everest.

Balansky's Wuxi China Expatdom Mountain World also includes two new mountains. Mount Gorzo is 88,888 m tall and contains all the challenging feature of the other ten mountains. Mount Harry Moore is 78,789 meters tall and climbers have a chance to win one million USD if they can locate the Abominable Snowman that lives there.

Since the Park opened in June, over one hundred million climbers have come to the Expatdom to climb the twelve great mountains.

Hilary Edmund, a mountain climbing enthusiast from Sydney, says Balansky's Mountain Park is a dream come true. "I could never have afforded going to all the actual mountains. But thanks to Balansky's, I can climb them all in two weeks. And I bet you don't get a free V.I.P. cards, massages, and color television at the summits like you do when you climb a mountain made by Balansky's.

Shanghai China Expatdom Colony in a frenzy for the Wuxi China Expatdom King

Gorzo mania has officially come to the Shanghai China Expatdom Colony.  Ever since Shanghai Expats were granted colonial status by the Wuxi China Expatdom, they have been in a frenzy to acquire and make things bearing the image of Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom as well as all China Expatdoms.

At the Bund, many of the old buildings from the time of Foreign Concessions and Communist Rule have been torn down and replaced with statues of Gorzo.  Beneath the Oriental Pearl Tower, a museum about the life of Gorzo has been set up, and has already had a billion visitors.  The Jin Mao Tower has had a 888 meter statue of Gorzo placed on its top to again make it the tallest building in Shanghai.

The famous Shanghai Museum hosting an exhibit of Gorzo paintings, has seen lineups without end.  The end of some of these lineups have been reportedly seen in Wuxi, Chongqing and even in Tibet.

Many famous buildings in Shanghai have been renamed to honor Gorzo.  The Expo 2010 grounds have been renamed the Gorzo the Mighty Grounds.  The Shanghai Pudong Airport is now the Shanghai Gorzo the Mighty Airport.  And here is even a movement afoot, to change the name of Shanghai to Saint Gorzosburg.

Many stores in the Nanjing Road shopping area have been closed and replaced with Gorzo memorabilia shops.  Hawkers now greet tourists saying "Rolex, DVD, Gorzo products!"  Shanghai police are working overtime trying to shut down the thousands of shops selling fake and unauthorized Gorzo memorabilia.

One Shanghai Expat, Saul Pudkin, proudly showed off his Gorzo the Mighty App on his Iphone and Ipad.  Another Shanghai Expat, Dorf Lundgren, had tears in his eyes after buying a Gorzo the Mighty Hat.  "This hat is as precious to me as my Saint Christopher bracelet" said Lundgren, an ardent Catholic.

Wuxi Expat contracts a venereal disease to raise awareness of telethons

Juston Short, one of the three infamous Short brothers from Ontario, Canada living in the Wuxi China Expatdom, told the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog, that he had contracted a venereal disease so he could raise awareness in the Expatdom about telethons.

Said Short: "There is nothing I like better than a good telethon.  I can remember watching the Jerry Lewis Telethons growing up, and always going to the local 7-11 to drink as many Slurpees as I could for whatever disease Jerry was trying to stop!  Living in the Expatdom like I do now, I have developed a hankering to sit in my apartment and watch a telethon and not watch DVDs.  Talking about my Telethon hankering with the locals and other expats has only resulted in blank stares...  Now, others would have thought of this as a rebuking, but I looked upon as a opportunity.  A light bulb lit in my mind's eye.  I found my favorite bar girl Cherry Soda and got her to give me a venereal disease -- it only cost me some drinks, which I put on the Chestnut Pub bar tab, and four hundred kuai!  Now telling everyone about my plight and my telethon hankering, I hope someone decides to have a telethon for me."

Asked if he was proceeding backwards and should instead start a telethon to raise awareness of VD, Short was derisive and said that everyone knew about VD.

Wuxi Expat Rifle Association President's visit to the Shanghai China Expatdom Colony well-received.

Andis Kaulins, El Presidente of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association, made a well-received visit to the Shanghai China Expatdom Colony on Thursday. El President Kaulins was the first high-level Wuxi Expat to visit the Shanghai Expatdom since it was granted Wuxi China Expatdom colonial status.

Arriving at the Shanghai Train Station, El Presidente Kaulins was greeted by a crowd of a million people chanting "Freedom and Gun Rights for the Shanghai China Expatdom!"  A further billion Shanghai Expats lined the road to watch the motorcade, consisting of a thousand cars, that took El Presidente Kaulins to the Shanghai China Expatdom Trademart where he made a speech to a convention of the newly-established Shanghai Expat Rifle Association (SERA)

El Presidente Kaulins's address to the convention was frequently interrupted with standing ovations and displays of such ardor from the audience that fire hoses had to be sprayed upon them.  So powerful was the degree of oratory and the strength of the logic used by El Presidente Kaulins that many, who had been skeptical about gun freedom and were gun-control supporters, converted to El Presidente's cause, bought firearms, and applied for membership in the SERA.

Wuxi China Expatdom Toilet Occupiers removed from Chestnut Pub

Lieutenant McNulty, the Wuxi China Expatdom's acting Chief Inspector, announced that he had removed all members of The Expat Protest Society (OCPUTEPS) from the Chestnut Pub.

The OCPUTEPSers, who had been occupying the Chestnut Pub public washroom area as part of the global Occupy Wall Street movement, wore out their welcome when they insisted that the pub's owner Wally Droop give them free beer and that he also not require them to at least flush the toilets. Droop said that cleaning the pub toilets was part of a deal he had made with them when they started their occupation, but they had quickly reneged on that deal and kept making more and more demands on him. "It only dawned on me later," said the admittedly apolitical Droop, "that the OCPUTEPSers were Anarchistic Parasitic Marxist drunks who were playing me for an useful idiot, and so I had no choice but to call the WCEPD!"

Droop also complained that the OCPUTEPSers were scaring away regular customers, engaging in public acts of sodomy, listening to hip-hop, using a lot of electricity recharging their Ipads, and making his bar smelly.

WCEPD Lieutenant McNulty quickly responded to Droop's call. Within five minutes, McNulty, who had been itching at the bit to deal with the parasites, arrived at the pub. He immediately asked the OCPUTEPSers to leave. They refused and called McNulty a fascist, leaving McNulty with no choice but to dispense his brutal but fair brand of justice. McNulty had all forty of the OCUPTEPSers and their possessions thrown out of the pub. Many of the OCUPTEPSers were thrown into a nearby canal -- the first bath many of them had since they decided to start their protest.

Shane Stoops, one of the OCUPTEPSers, complained that he now had no place to live and that McNulty had thrown away his marble and comic book collection. "I gave your marbles and comic books to poor locals" said a derisive McNulty.

Duston Short, spokesman of the OCUPTEPSers, said that while they were disappointed they couldn't live at the pub anymore, they could feel pride in the fact that they had raised "awareness of important stuff and social issues."

Wuxi Expat contracts sexually transmitted disease to raise awareness of wearing green hats

Duston Short, midget-sumo wrestling champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has, as part of his campaign to get all Expats to wear green hats, contracted himself a sexually transmitted disease.

Said Short: "I have noticed that wearing my wide-rimmed, till, wizard-like, green hat brings smiles to the faces of the locals.  They will even say "hello!" to me more than they normally would have to a me without a hat.  I have tried to raise awareness of this among my Wuxi China Expat friends but they have ignored me.  So I saw I had no choice but to try some short of publicity stunt to raise awareness of the benefits of wearing green hats.  What is better than to do this than to get a STD and tell the whole world about it?"

Asked what STD he had contracted, Short said Herpes.

Then asked the who, what, when, whom, where, which and how questions about his STD contraction, Short tried to be tight-lipped, only saying that it was with a partner of sorts who he was doing business with, and that a film of the event was in the editing stage.

Wuxi China Expat English Teacher likes it when his students swear.

"Asshole motherfucker cocksucker shit!" 

Normally this isn't something you want to hear from the mouth of an eight year old, but it is music to the ears of Lucas Springs, an English Teacher at Shiny Children's English in downtown Wuxi.

"There is nothing like swearing to get even the most quiet of children speaking!" said Springs.  He then told the WCE blog  he discovered his controversial technique when one time he was spit upon by a seven year old in one of his classes. "I wasn't feel so good after having had a fight with my girlfriend, and I lost my composure for a second this one class.  But the students never forgot what I said. And I realized it was the first time I was ever able to teach them a new word. The next class, I taught them to say "cocksucker motherfucker!"  They learned it.  And so then I taught the children F*** and A**hole and ***£$"%$£%%%!  Recently I have taught them songs like F*** You!  F--U--C--K! and Stick sticks up your yahoo!  I found that I looked forward to classes because the children were learning something, and they just weren't playing with a foreigner.  And there were no more shy students that I didn't know what to do with!"

Walking into Spring's classes, one can see that the children fluently curse worse than sailors.  Students, entering one class, told Springs to screw himself, and then asked who was the round-eyed fucker he was talking to.  One student, making a pistol with his hand, mock-shot the fingers off his other hand so that he only had a middle finger left.  Boys called the girls "b-i-itches" and "hoses."  A few even dropped their pants and exposed themselves to the interviewer and called him fuck-nuts and cunt-head.

Springs then dressed himself as a fuckity-fuck monster, and the children pretended to try to kill him with English swear words.  A girl shouting "Asshole piss pants cuntlicker smegma" "killed" Springs and received a prize, much to the delight of her parents who were in class as part of a special parents day.

President of Shiny English, Deloris Wang, said Springs' techniques was the shit, and hoped that the other teachers would adopt his techniques.

Gorzo the Mighty declared King of China Expats

Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty has been proclaimed King of all China Expats.  "With every Expat community in China now a colony of Wuxi China Expatdom, it is only right and proper that his majesty be declared King of all China Expats" said Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango who took the initiative and made a proclamation declaring Gorzo to the the China Expat King to crowd of four hundred billion people who packed and stacked themselves into Harry Moore Memorial Square Silver.

Among the throng at the HMMSS, were leaders or representatives from every other Expatdom in China. 

After the proclamation, the crowd formed the longest conga-line in human history and chanted: Long live Gorzo! 

For many of the colonials, the proclamation was a very emotional moment.  "Our dreams have come true" said Saul Pudkin, a Shanghai China Expat.  Tears came to Pudkin's eyes as he said:  "Being a Wuxi China Expatdom colonial is so much more wonderful and better than I could ever have dreamed. Who would have imagined that by becoming part of the Wuxi China Expatdom, we would get V.I.P. cards for Gambay's and the Chestnut Pub, and a ten percent discount coupon for a copy of the Poolside Harry Moore!"

Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada and Brisbane, Australia were the first World Expatdoms to recognize Prime Minister Mango's declaration. 

Israel edged out France and Iran by three seconds to be the first world country to recognize Gorzo as the China Expatdom King.

Wuxi Expat sick after drinking toilet water

Wuxi Expat teacher of English and champion midget sumo wrestler Duston Short became sick after spending all of last evening drinking the water in the toilet at the Chestnut Pub. 

Toilet water drinking is an activity unique to people who live or come from Ontario, Canada.  It hasn't caught on in any other part of the world.

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut Pub, said he kicked Short out of the woman's washroom as soon as he learned that Short was on a toilet water drinking bender.  Droop said he wasn't going to ban Short from the Pub because of Short's huge bar tab.

As a result of his toilet water drinking bout, Short wasn't able to go to work at his English School today.

Officials at Globular English School, where Short is currently employed, said that Short phoned and told them he wasn't able to come to work because his uncle was dying.

Friendly Wuxi Expat doesn't understand what's up with the French.

Guy Smiley, universally recognized as the nicest guy you ever want to meet in the Wuxi China Expatdom, said in an interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog that he can't understand what is up with the French.  

Said Smiley:  "To me an asshole is someone who is sad because he can't smile!  He simply wants someone to gently pat him on the back and say how ya doing!  This tells you about my philosophy of dealing with people.  I have made the coldest of cucumbers open up and give me hugs and back-slaps.  I have brought jocularity to the saddest and most destitute places on the earth.  Heck, I have had Mother Teresa calling me all the time asking me to come out and cheer up the lowest of the low! And I flown out on my dime to help her!  As long as you have a heartbeat, I say you can be happy!  I haven't let the fact that I have erectile dysfunction and dyspepsia, and have had my artificial legs stolen from enjoying life! Heck, I was never happier in life as when I was poor, watched my mother die, had no toys, and my father was trying to kill me because he didn't like my joie-de-vie!"

But after saying this Smiley became dark like a sunny day hit with a thunderstorm coming in a million miles per hour.

Shrugging his shoulders, Smiley continued with his monologue and said:  "But the French!  They are a whole different can of worms.  In fact, they act like they are on a diet of worms and onion juice.  After bombarding them with my jocularity, I see they seem only to become darker and meaner.  I have had to pick up a few of them, especially the midgety and weaselly of them, to see if they got cucumbers stuck up their make-the-stomach-happy holes."

30,000 killed in Libya after broadcast of Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's Speech

A broadcast of Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore's speech to the Des Moines, Iowa Chamber of Commerce resulted in the death of 30,000 people in Libya.  The recording of the broadcast was broadcast to promote Moore's Middle Eastern Movie Oration Tour.

Viewers of the speech in the Libya became so taken with Moore's speech that they rushed out to the streets and formed long conga-lines of celebration.  Some, however, brought their automatic weapons with them and fired them in the air to celebrate.  This resulted in a few hundred killed, but then the gunfire was interpreted by others as being started by forces that had been loyal to Mommar Qaddafi, and so a full battle broke out.

Spokesmen for the Libyan National Transitional Council blamed the resulting battle on segments of Libyan Film Appreciators who were loyal to Quentin Tarantino. 

All China Expatdoms apply to be allowed to be submitted to the yoke of the Wuxi China Expatdom

First there was three.  Then, there was another three.  Now, there are over a thousand.

Every other Expatdom in China including the Kunming, Shangra-la, Hong Kong, Changsha, Lijian, Chong Qing, Tianjin, Tsingtao, Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Lhasa, Harbin, Xian, and the Dalian China Expatdoms have applied to become colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  

Leaders of the all these Chinese Expatdoms, arrived in Sunday in the Wuxi China Expatdom to submit their applications for colonial status to the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom his majesty King Gorzo the Mighty.  Despite being told not to, many of the visiting leaders insisted on kow-towing to Gorzo as well as being able to kiss his feet.  Eventually, fire hoses were brought out and used on the leaders to cool their ardor.  Visiting leaders, not able to get into the hall to see his majesty, flocked to the grounds of the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame to clutch in a passionate manner many of the statues of Harry Moore, the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society.  A few others went to the gift shop of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association to buy ammunition, try on and purchase flack jackets, and marvel at the variety of firearms on sale.

The visiting leaders gave the assembled media a variety of reasons for wishing their Expatdoms to become Wuxi China Expatdom colonies.  Some said their didn't have basic toilet facilities; some said their Expats had trouble with basic problem of personal cleanliness; some said their admired the Catholic feel of the Wuxi China Expatdom; some said they admired the WCE's libertarianism -- especially its gun rights which they said were the freest in the world; some said they admired all the great figures of the Wuxi China Expatdom like Harry Moore, Harry Callahan, Wally Droop, Fred & Frank Minklemen, WCERN Admiral Lloyd Bridges, WCERN Air Marshall Gregory Peck, Wuxi Expat Hall of Fame commissioner Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, Prime Minister Mango, Wonder Woman, and WCE Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky; some said they wanted to be part of a Naturist empire; some said they wanted access to the Wuxi China Expatdom Freeport -- the world's largest deep lake water port; some wanted the protection of the Wuxi China Expatdom's eight billion man military force; and others just wanted to just on the WCE bandwagon.

King Gorzo the Mighty said that all new colonies would be a lot of work for him, and he had no choice but to appoint Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore the Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies.  "Who else can I ask?" said his Majesty.  "Everyone loves Harry and so every colony wants Harry to be their governor.  Obviously, that can't be.  So he can be in charge of all of them.  I will retain the right, for me and Prime Minister Mango, to appoint governors for the individual colonies, subject to President and Minister Moore's approval.  These governors, acting under the general guidelines set by President and Minister Moore, will administer the colony for which they are responsible.  I have supreme confidence in Harry and I don't see that the important duties he performs as Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society will in anyway be affected by his taking on this important new Wuxi China Expatdom Ministry."

President and now Minister Moore, who is currently on the Middle Eastern portion of his worldwide movie oration tour, has yet to make any public statements about his ministerial appointments.

Curmudgeon finds it hard to be Curmudgeonly in the Wuxi China Expatdom

In an exclusive interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog, the Expatdom's leading curmudgeon Larry Drysdale said "things used to be for shit in the WCE" but now have gotten so much better that he has nothing to be curmudgeonly about.

Said Drysdale, an American manufacturer, "In the dark days of the Ayatollah of Mordor, I needed two bodies to satisfy all my curmudgeony urges.  The King of Wuxi then was a wanker.  All the pubs sucked!  There were too many Germans and Canadians and Brits and and Frenchmen and Sodomites and Democrats and Australians and Episcopalians and Fecal Heads and Anarchists and Hippies and Caramel Ball Eaters and Obama Lovers and Socialists and Nudists and morons and jerks and a-holes and n-holes and o-holes and Fascists and Communists and Feminists and Sexpats and Fat Perverts and lazy-lay-abouts and mountebanks and leeches in the Expatdom.  Law and Order was then so bad that I had to take justice in my own hands.  Everyday, I was shooting at government workers coming onto my property.  Now, His majesty King Gorzo the Mighty is so sensible that I can't think of a bad thing to say about him and his wife.  And remember I am the guy who said Harry Moore is .00000000001 percent imperfect and that fine French Wine tasted like u-rine!  The Wuxi China Expatdom is now what it was like in my day!"

Asked about the bad state of English Teaching in the Wuxi China Expatdom, Drysdale said "Of course, that is still for shit, but Chief Inspector Callahan and his protege McNulty know how to deal with that.  I said that most Wuxi English Teachers should be put in cages and put on display at the Wuxi Zoo, but Callahan and McNulty are doing things to the Wuxi China Expatdom that make it hard for me to complain  Bravo, I say to throwing them in the canals!"

Asked if he was still using his shotgun, Drysdale said he was only using it to go hunting.  "Since the government now leaves me alone, there is nothing I like better than hunting for elephant in the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

Drysdale also offered his opinions on the passing away on the death of Andy Rooney.  "He was old so it was only natural that he passed away!" Drysdale declared before calling the interviewer a ninny and asking him to phrase the question properly.  Then asked for his opinions on Rooney in live, Drysdale said "That shithead was a pseudo-curmudgeon.  Not once did he shoot at the other a-holes on that  60 seconds of stupidity stretched out to 60 minutes show!"

Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz promises a billion zillion dollars in reparations to the Wuxi China Expatdom

Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz paid a visit to the Wuxi China Expatdom today to unilaterally offer the Wuxi China Expatdom a billion zillion dollars in reparations for the fact that one or two Winnipegers came to the Expatdom and nearly ruined it and any hope humanity had for freedom, liberty, comfort and basic human decency.

Katz, when in the presence of his Majesty, Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty, insisted on kow-towing and prostrating himself for two hours before finally being made to stop when fire hoses were set on him.

Said Mayor Katz: "Speaking for the people of Winnipeg, I say we are sorry, so sorry, for the Ayatollah of Mordor and Andis Kaulins.  The damage that they have done to the Expatdom is unconscionable, and I know we will never be able to adequately compensate for the damage they done!  Still, we will try.  I have pledged that Winnipeg will give the Wuxi China Expatdom a billion zillion dollars in reparations.  I realize that it will take thousands of years to pay this amount but I will do everything in my power to see it is done.  We will strip all homes and buildings of anything that can be sold for any sort of money to pay down the bill.  We will eat a simple diet of water and broth made from the bark of trees for many generations to come.  Any Winnipeger eating more nourishment than that will be fined and jailed.  We will of course become Naturists for as long as some Winnipeger some where  is wearing clothing, it can be said that Winnipeg has not completely redeemed itself for the damage it has done to the Wuxi China Expatdom.  We will further devote all our working hours to producing things of value that can be sold to pay down the bill, the bill of shame we brought on ourselves!"

A magnanimous King Gorzo the Mighty, accepted Katz's offer.  Gorzo then declared that Winnipegers could wear clothing during their harsh winters.  He further added that Winnipeg could keep its hockey and football teams. Said his majesty: "It doesn't look like they have a NHL team anyway, and we already have the Wuxi Red Guards!"

Wuxi China Expatdom to mark Remembrance Day

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, declared that November 11th would, beginning in 2011, forever be a day of Remembrance of veterans who gave their lives for either the Wuxi China Expatdom or lost their lives for the great countries of Australia, Canada, England, Wales, Scotland, France, the Netherlands, the United States of America, Italy, Belgium, Czechoslovakia, Latvia, Lithuania, the Philippines, Estonia, Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Poland, and others that he couldn't think of.

Tears came to his Majesty's eyes when he thought of the sacrifices made for freedom. " I break up when I think of Billy Bishop and General Patton" said King Gorzo.

The Wuxi China Expatdom will hold 4,000 wreath-laying ceremonies on November 11th.  The largest ceremony will be at the Harry Moore Square Platinum where an estimated 19,391,945veterans are expected to attend.  19,141,918 veterans will attend a similar ceremony at the Harry Moore Square Gold.  Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore will honor the veterans with a speech in which he will list the one hundred best war films of all-time.

The Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic, which is currently underway, will take the morning of November 11thoff  to mark the day.  Currently, the girls are wearing poppies on their bikini tops.

Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky plans to write a sequel poem to Flanders Fields.

Seven billion Poppies have been shipped into the Expatdom for all the ceremonies.  Already, the Wuxi China Expatdom Legion has raised 78 billion dollars in Lapel Poppy sales.

Billions of gallons of beer have been shipped to Gambay's Pub: the official pub of the Wuxi China Expatdom Legion where a big gathering will take place in the afternoon following the ceremonies.  Fred Minklemen, co-owner of Gambay's, said that beers for the veterans were on him.  "Free beer for the veterans!" declared Minkleman.

Not to be outdone, Wally Droop of the Chestnut Pub declared that everyone coming into the pub on Remembrance Day would get free beer.  He also said he would stop his son DJ Wesley Droop from playing Rap and Hip-Hop.  "I don't think the soldiers gave their life for Ice Pick!" said the Droop who wore shorts showing off his wonderful legs.

Also trying not to be outdone, the owner of Hardy's Har Har Comedy Club, Willy Aardvark Crazy Kook Yakushev Hardy, declared that Veterans coming into his pub on November 11th, would get free beer, a free meal, free Cuban cigars, a free nude woman,  a free massage, thirty autographed copies of the poolside Harry Moore, free air travel for the rest of their lives, a Groucho Marx glasses and mustache combo, a night with his wife, pork chops and apple sauce, brillo, free one hour martinizing, an Aircraft Carrier, an Jetstream private plane, a hummer, and a bag of potato chips.

Joining in on efforts to honor veterans, Hank Spank, the owner of Room 101, the Expatdom's only Soviet-style bondage club, said all veterans coming into his establishment on November 11th would get a free flogging.

Male Strip Team Dazzle leads medal standings after completion of the boxing portion of the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic

Wuxi China Expatdom Male Strip Team Champions Dazzle won three boxing finals Tuesday night to take an early lead in the overall medal standings of the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic.

Dazzler Dennis Gorman won the seniors welter fly weight championship beating Song Jong-Sun of North Korean Bikini Team in a fifteen round bout that was decided by a split decision.

Dazzler Zach Landon won the light heavy weight title by beating Jong Pok-Sim of the South Korean Bikini Team with a eighth round TKO.

Captain of Dazzle, Andis Kaulins won the welter weigh title beating Donatella Hultin of the Swedish Team Bikini in a bloody fourteen round fight in which Hultin blinded in both eyes threw in the towel, but not before breaking the Dazzler's jaw and knocking out thirteen of his teeth.

Coach Dirt E. Harrie said he was proud of his team's performance, but was well aware that no team winning the boxing portion of the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic has ever gone on to win the overall title.  Said Harrie:  "I got to get my boys to grow some bosoms and practice their oratory."

The stages of the WCE Bikini Classic will include talent, Q&A, swimsuit, dancing, and trampoline-jumping competitions.

Wuxi Expat finds wearing split-ass pants to be convenient.

Duston Short, midget sumo wrestling champion of the Wuxi China Expat, has grown to love wearing split-ass pants saying they are convenient and allow him to save money on underwear and toilet paper.

Short, who is five foot six inches tall and weighs 200 pounds, said he got into wearing split-ass pants, which are normally worn by babies not yet potty-trained, by accident.  "One day, I bent over, and the split the ass seam of my pants and my underwear.  Because I was running late for work, I didn't have time to change, so I went the day split-assed -- it was perhaps the greatest date of my life.  I felt like that guy who got hit by lightning as he was driving to Damascus.  I didn't have to lower and raise my drawers, and saved myself a lot of effort.  The next day, I wore the pants again, and because I was running late, I didn't bother putting on underwear.  But the end of that day, I took the money I saved on toilet paper and was able to buy a beer at the Chestnut Pub."

Asked why he didn't just become a naturist like other Wuxi Expats, Short said that his clothes were his only true friends.

Wuxi Expat given a green hat by locals

Duston Short, English Teacher and midget sumo wrestling champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom, was given a green hat by a group of Wuxi locals Tuesday afternoon.  The group included students and Chinese management from many of the schools he had worked at in Wuxi.

Short, overcome with emotion and unable to hold back tears, said it was the nicest thing anyone in Wuxi had ever done for him and that he would wear his green hat with pride during the rest of his time in Wuxi.

Wuxi China Sexpat says he has a big stimulus plan

John Hefner, co-leader of the Wuxi China Expatdom Feminist Sexpat Alliance, announced that he has a big stimulus plan, for the ladies.  

Hefner, at a press conference held in the male washroom area of the Chestnut Pub, said that ladies would be really interested in his stimulus plan because it was "really big."  Hefner then went on to say that his stimulus plan was bigger than President Obama's and would satisfy Nobel Prize winning Paul Krugman who is a fan of very big stimulus plans.

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, when told about Hefner's stimulus plan, became confused.  Head shaking, PM Mango said there was no need for a stimulus.  "Currently, the WCE GDP is growing at an annual rate of one thousand percent, and we have current account and capital account surpluses of Eighty Eight Quadrillion Trillion Billion dollars!  We don't need no stinking stimulus economic stimulus!"

Albert Einstein, visiting professor of Wuxi China Sexpat studies and Physics at Princeton University in the United States, speculated that Hefner was trying to prove his sexual-harassment bona fides to a Sexpat party membership that had become unsatisfied with his leadership.

Nanjing China Expat Colonials Seek Financial Aid From Wuxi China Expatdom

A deputation of colonist-Expats from the Nanjing China Expatdom
arrived in Wuxi yesterday for urgent talks with King Gorzo the Mighty and the
WCE Parliament.

The deputation was led by the Nanjing Expatdom's Acting (he once did a passable Richard III ) Treasurer Mr Uriah Heep, who, standing with cap in hand outside the Expatdom's Parliament, said that he had come to beg and grovel for
a financial aid package.

"The Nanjing Expatdom's present deficit stands at 16 trillion RMB.
We are in dire straits. Here in the Wuxi China Expatdom, where the streets are paved with gold, we hope to prevail upon the leaders to help us out". "We'll be asking for a loan of 28 trillion RMB - to pay our current bills, and to help us out with future
contingencies".
Heep explained that the Nanjing Expatdom's woes were attributable to
massive outstanding expat-bar bills ("on the slate"), and electricity and gas bills
unpaid for the last 18 months. "But things have always been tough for us", Heep said, "and well, a lot of our expats seek some relief from their troubles by partying every night, like it was 2999".

King Gorzo the Mighty told media representatives that whilst no outcome of the talks had yet been reached, there were "certain matters" that had to be taken into consideration.

King Gorzo said that he had remined the WCE Parliament that "it was the Nanjing Expatdom's forces that had invaded and occupied the WCE in 1912, and had wreaked havoc upon our Expats here. As you'd all know, it was only the timely and heroic intervention of our WCHOFer Colonel Harlan Sanders, that saved our Expats from serfdom and penury".

Whilst I, King Gorzo, am magnanimous, munificent, and infinitely-forgiving, there are members in our Expatdom Parliament who have long memories." "Some", he added, "want to drag those Nanjing emissaries into our KFC shrine here where, salivating and drooling, they can reflect upon those disgraceful bygone days". King Gorzo said that he hoped the talks would proceed in a civil and productive manner, and a satisfactory outcome would be reached.

Wuxi China Sexpat Leader denies not having sexually harassed anyone.

John Hefner, co-leader of the Wuxi China Expatdom Sexpat Feminist Alliance, and nominally thought to be Wuxi's leading Sexpat, held a press conference Monday to deal with charges that he had never sexually harassed anyone in the past. The charges arose after a story broke suggesting journalists looking into his past could find no record of sexual misdemeanors, sexual harassment payouts to female employees, or even any woman making complaints against him in his time as President of the Wuxi Expat Engineers Association.

Said Hefner: "I denied categorically that I never groped any of my female employees, that I never made off-colored sexual jokes when women were present, and that I didn't leer and whistle as I complimented a woman on her appearance or cleavage. It is not my fault that the woman at my workplace laughed at me, and didn't take my advances seriously. In fact, the scar I have on my face that has been called a Heidelberg dueling scar is the result of my constantly being slapped in the face by women for what I saying and pinching their behinds."

Asked by incredulous reporters how it was then that he could have gotten away with it all the time, Hefner said he didn't know either, although the time he did harass women was during the latter stages of the Clinton Administration and maybe the woman thought he had an important job to do and so all he was doing was okay. Hefner, after some thought, did add that the women he was hitting on were all in their mid-forties, divorced or not married.

The Wuxi China Expatdom is flush with speculation over who leaked the story of Hefner having no sexual harassment allegations against him. Professor Graham Quirk, professor of Wuxi China Sexpat Studies at Brisbane State University, suggests that a few Wuxi Sexpats were not pleased with Hefner's decisions to ally his party with the Wuxi Expat Feminist Party, and leaked the story to destroy Hefner's Sexpat street cred, and so wrest control of the Sexpat Party from him. The Wuxi China Sexpat Party will hold a convention in December during which a leadership review vote with be held.

Wuxi Expat English Teacher unapologetic after having been seen eating cheeseburgers in class.

Duston Short, midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom as well as a teacher of English at DIE English, was unapologetic after he was seen to have been eating cheeseburgers ten minutes into his Monday Morning class.

Said Short:  "Come on!  For one thing, it is hard on me to have to get up in the morning for work.  It is so unfair!  And I spent a late Sunday night at the new Room 101 Pub and Bondage Emporium so that I was a little sore.  Normally, I would have taken the day off, so they should have been giving a medal for showing up only five minutes late.  As it was, I had to rush to work and it took the staff at McDonald's ten minutes to make my cheeseburger.  I mean you can't expect me to come to work on a empty stomach.  And I am a little bummed out because one of my uncles is dying!  So don't be giving me this crap about how unprofessional it looked for a man of my short stature and wide girth!"

Management at DIE said that by rights Short should be fired, but they need bodies.

Wuxi China Expat King's App downloaded one zillion times

The Gorzo the Mighty App, the official App, for the I-phone and I-pad, of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has been downloaded one zillion times in the three hours since it was made available at the I-tunes store.

The App, which features a live webcam feed from Gorzo's head, one thousand books of his wisdom, photos of Harry Moore, a 3D version of the Poolside Harry Moore, wedding photos of Prime Minister Mango and Wonder Woman, the Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association Simulator, a complete 3D map of the Expatdom, one billion documents chronicling the crimes of the Ayatollah of Mordor, a virtual tour of the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame, applications to be a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom, and millions of others surprises, has been downloaded so fast that many major cities in the world are now on fire.  

However, authorities at the I-tunes store fear that taking the App off the I-tunes page may result in rioting and fatalities.  Said the mayor of Winnipeg, Canada, Sam Katz: "Better that there be loss of property than loss of life.  I applaud the decision of Apple to keep the Gorzo App on the I-tunes store!"

Apple officials said no decision has been made about whether it would be prudent to delay the Poolside Harry Moore and Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society Apps.

Wuxi China Expatdom's Airline To Appoint Senior Trainer

Senior members of the Wuxi China Expatdom government's travel and transit
committee have emerged from a three hour meeting to announce that Andis Kaulins, and Wonder Woman, will be offered senior administrative positions in the formation of the new airline.
The Expatdom's airline will be the flag-carrier on international air routes. A spokesperson for the committee said that once fleet-acquisition is completed, the airline will require two top-level senior administrators to train new staff members.

Captain Andis Kaulins was the unanimous choice to fulfill the role as Senior Trainer, flight crew, whilst Wonder Woman would attend to cabin crew training.
Captain Kaulins, a distinguished veteran with over 530,000 hours under his belt on Flight Simulators, Train Simulators, Bus and Taxi Simulators, Submarine Simulators, TitanicSimulators, US Presidential Election Simulators, Brain Surgery Simulators, Astrophysicist Simulators, Bellydancing Simulators, Mount Everest Climbing Simulators, Gobi Desert Crossing by Camel Simulators, and Space Shuttle Simulators. Far from being a chairborne specialist, Captain Kaulins trained the Wright Brothers in motivational techniques.

The spokesperson said that the new airline role will need an experienced
personnel trainer of the highest calibre, and that Captain Andis Kaulins has unequalled qualifications as the Expatdom's foremost English teacher.

Wonder Woman will be offered the role of training the all-female flight
stewardess candidates, (125,000 candidates have applied, who will be outfitted in bikinis on the long-haul international flights.

The Expatdom's airline is yet to be named, however public submissions have included Pan Expatdomican, WCE Airways, Air Expatdom, and several others. Expats have been invited to contribute their own suggestions in this selection process.

The Committee members said that initial services would be nonstop
flights from the Expatdom to Brisbane, Australia's grass landing strip, and to
Manitoba's Brandon International Airport. Services would be later expanded to no less than 6,000 Expatdoms and cities across the globe.

Will Harry Moore become the Minister of Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies?

The Wuxi China Expatdom is rife with rumors that Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation President and two-time Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame inductee Harry Moore will be appointed Minister in charge of the Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies.

Five of the six colonies have begged Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty that President Moore be appointed their governor.  Moore is currently on a World speaking corner that has been rapturously received by audiences as diverse as Democrats, Republicans, Evangelical Christians, poker and bridge players, and militant atheists who have often, at the conclusion of Moore's speeches, embraced together in mile-long nude conga lines of universal brotherhood and fraternity.  Not appointing the charismatic Moore as colonial governor could possibly make the colonies suffer from really bad self-esteem, and result in their forever having colonial status. 

King Gorzo the Mighty is reported in be a week long conference with advisers on appointing colonial governors.

Complicating the decision is that Moore has committed to be the head producer, director, and leading actor of the one thousand films that the Wuxi China Expatdom Mammoth movie studio will produce over the next two years.

Moore who is currently involved in casting his co-starlets for the new James Bond movie:  Doctor Strangelove's Diamond Thunder Balls and Golden Guns are twice forever never on Her Majesty's Service, was unavailable for comment.

Three more Expatdoms apply to be colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom

Friday, three more China Expatdoms applied to be Wuxi China Expatdom Colonies, making for a total of six that see King Gorzo the Mighty as being their only hope.  Delegations of Expats from the Nanjing China Expatdom, the Beijing China Expatdom, and the Hefei China Expatdom visited WCE King Gorzo the Mighty to present their applications.  

Some of the visiting Expats thought they had to kow-tow to his Majesty King Gorzo, and were finally dissuaded from doing so with fire-hoses.  "Help us oh mighty Gorzo!  Help us!   You are our only hope!" they were heard to say.

Nanjing Expats have looked with envy at the tremendous economic growth in the Wuxi China Expatdom and say they want a piece of the WCE action.  Already, they have promised Wuxi China Expatdom entrepreneurs that they will create special tax-free rent-free economic development zones in the Nanjing Expatdom.

Beijing Expats have experienced a deep sense of guilt at being local in a great capital that has been eclipsed by the Wuxi China Expatdom.  "We can't live a lie!" has been the motto of their colonial application committee.

Hefei Expats say that if they are going to be the WCE's poor sister, they might as well make the fact official.

King Gorzo, reluctantly accepted their applications saying he had no desire to start an Empire.  "You have convinced me that it is my duty to help you!"  He said to the visiting Expats. "But eventually, I want, like George Washington, to do my duty for humankind and then return, in Washington's case to his farm, in mine to my beloved Wuxi China Expatdom and my peach trees."

Observers say the biggest problem for King Gorzo, now, will be to find governors for the various colonies.  Already, five of the six WCE colonies are begging for Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore to be their governor.  Claus Von Clausewitz, professor of Wuxi China Expatdom studies at Heidelberg University, says it may well be that President Moore will be made Minister of the Colonies.

The three new colonies join the Shanghai China, Suzhou China, and Kun Shan Expatdoms that have already became colonies last week.

Wuxi China Expat confused about his sexuality

Wuxi China Expatdom Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion Duston Short is confused about his sexuality.  Coming to the Wuxi China Expatdom from Ontario, Canada, Short told the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog, he hoped to work out his sexual issues, but found that he was more confused than ever.

Said Short:  "I can't decide if:  I am a heterosexual stuck in a lesbian's body, a lesbian stuck in a LBGT's body, a SWGF, a SWGM seeking a SAM, a FCM seeking a SAW, a fetishist, a Wuxi Sexpat in a Sumo Wrestler's body, Mango-like, a lesbian stuck in a gay male's body, a homophobe, a heterophobe, a self-hating lesbian heterosexual, or a pervert!  It is all so confusing!  But the sex therapists in the Wuxi Expatdom, at least, are cheap!"

Short said he looked forward to going to Room 101, the Expatdom's latest bondage club, and seeing if he could find himself and his sexual identity."

McNulty to stand in for Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan

Wuxi China Expats, with criminal intent, could only breath a temporary sigh of relief when they heard that Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan was appointed Governor of the Suzhou China Expatdom Colony -- for Inspector Callahan quickly announced that officer McNulty was appointed as the WCE C.I.'s temporary stand in.

C.I. Callahan announced McNulty's appointment at a press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.  Over a million journalists and curiosity seekers attended.

Callahan told the assembled that while McNulty was a discipline problem with his over-the-top and brutal interrogation techniques, as well as causing the WCE P.D. trouble with the powers at the WCE parliament, he still had a better name than the more suitable candidates.  Said Callahan:  "McNulty, McccccNuullllltttttyyyyyyy!  I love that name.  It is almost as good as mine.  I apologize to officers Smith, McGillicuty, and Pzerzzwylewski.  They would have been adequate replacements for me while I fix up the Suzhou Expatdom, but a good last tough-sounding name is needed to scare the bejesus out of punks!  And with McNulty, you have a loose cannon, who while maybe beating up an innocent or two, and not going by the book, will make crime fighting interesting for the guys there at Wuxi China Expatdom Mammoth pictures.  Good narrative and justice is what the Wuxi China Expatdom is all about."

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry praised the appointment of officer McNulty.  "The name is great!" said President Moore, "I can hardly wait to see the movie and the sequel and the sequel after that."

Wuxi China Expatdom C.I. Harry Callahan appointed Governor of Suzhou China Expatdom

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan has been appointed to act as Governor of the Suzhou China Expatdom, which had recently had its application accepted to become a WCE colony.

Prime Minister Mango, who made the appointment, said that C.I. Callahan needed a challenge since the only crime in the WCE was of the public nuisance variety.

Callahan, said he looked forward to the challenge of being a Governor, and that his governorship would be a law-and-order one. "The Wuxi China Expatdom is a safe place. The only crime that happens in the WCE now is loitering and strange sex crimes. The Suzhou Expatdom, by contrast, is a crime fighter's dream. Because most Suzhou Expats are on welfare. The public housing projects there are hotbeds of crime like prostitution, drug dealing, and murder. I get a tingle up my leg at the prospect of putting all those Suzhou Expat Punks in the slammer. I also look forward to reacquainting myself with some former Wuxi Expats who thought they could escape me!"

One million Wuxi Expats attend Exhibit of nude photos of the Ayatollah of Mordor

One million curious Wuxi China Expats attended the exhibit of photos of the former King of Wuxi Harry Moore Memorial Square Silver this past weekend. The photos shocked and astounded all who saw them

"It is so small!" said Alexi Kosygin.

"It is teeny-weeny" exclaimed Horst Sindermann.

"That's because it is taken just after he got out of the pool." added Otto Grotewohl.

"I like the photos of the Heidelburg dueling scars on his knees. Simply sublime!" was what M. Gorbachev said when looking at photos of the Ayatollah in shorts.

John Wayne, one of the few non-Russians and non-Germans to attend the exhibit, said "The Emperor has no clothes and this shows that totalitarianism naked is a very ugly thing!"

The organizer of the Exhibit, who identified himself as Borkov said he had no interest in politics, only art and that the exhibit, that would last for one week, would charge admission of 100 Deutschmarks or 75 rubles.

Wuxi Expat likes to build models

Duston Short, the Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom, has taken up model-building as a hobby.

Short, who is employed as an English teacher and a part-time bartender, says he builds models to relax and keep himself busy during the days he calls in sick for work.  

Short is proud of the models he has built so are.  "I have bought four models to build!  I am almost finished building the German WW2 tank I bought, the Tiger.  When I get that finished, I am gonna to build the Aircraft carrier and the plane and the sports cars models I have.  The only problem is I have used have all the glue I bought.  Four tubes I have used in my model-making so far!"