El Presidente Andis Kaulins, the most-accomplished marksman in all
Expatdoms, has taken out the grand prize at the WCE's inaugural clay pigeon shooting tournament.
Staged aboard the afterdeck of the WCERN flagship, Fred Astaire, which was manouvered deftly into the middle of Lake Taihu. Over 180,000 wannabe contestants from the WCE's dependent colonies were eliminated in Saturday's qualifying rounds.
The finals were fought-out by the most-accomplished shot-gunners in the whole world, including international competitors. From England came HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, and his team-mate, George Bernard Shaw.
Representing north America were Phil Silvers and James Cagney.
El Presidente Kaulins, and Topol, represented the hopes and dreams of all Canadians, as well as the 28 million spectators from the Wuxi China Expatdom, and it's numerous, far-flung diasporas.
Admiral Lloyd Bridges acted as judge, referee and arbitrator. Adressing the competitors, Judge Admiral Bridges gave a briefing on the clay pigeon shooting rules and procedures. "Now listen", he said, "when you're in the correct firing-stance, raise your weapon skyward, shout "pull", and one of my gobs will release the clay target from the trap".
The competition didn't go as smoothly as had been planned. Prince Philip, totally misunderstanding the concept of shooting clay targets, unleashed a continuous barrage of buckshot which succeeded in bringing down 28 real pigeons, two light aircraft, 14 bats, 11 squirrels, and an aardvark.
George Bernard Shaw failed to shoot his gun at all. Instead, he stood at the carrier rail, and uttered endless witticisms, bon mots and epigrams. Warned twice by Judge Bridges, Shaw was finally disqualified for launching into a
15-minute solliloquoy on Pig-Malion.
A solemn hush fell on the lake as El Presidente Kaulins stepped up to the shooting platform. Hefting his trademark, customised, 14 gauge, triple-barrelled
Krupp, fitted with a laser-digital telescopic sight, Andis yelled "pull", and
bagged 1,136 clay pigeons in a row.
Cocking his shotgun to fire the next rounds, El Presidente's attention was momentarily caught by a passing albatross, believed to be the last surviving one in the Expatdom. Suddenly extinct, the bird was retrieved by Admiral Bridges who unhesitatingly leapt into the lake. He then ordered the Fred Astaire's taxidermist to preserve, mount, and gold-enamel the albatross as a fitting trophy for El Presidente.
The tournament concluded, WCHOF custodian and musician Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis, sitting at a majestic Wurlitzer organ, led the by-now frenzied, adoring crowd
in a rousing rendition of "Oh Canada".
James Cagney provided the only disruptive note as he marched around the carrier-deck singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy", which caused a furious Colonel Harlan B. Sanders to grapple with Cagney and they both fell overboard. An ever-obliging Admiral Bridges swan-dived into Taihu and rescued the pair before the sharks and baby-krakens had a chance to move in.
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