Wuxi Expats hold Fruity Fruit Drink Festival

Wuxi Expats held a Fruity Fruit Drink Festival at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.  The FFDF was a chance for producers of Fruity Beverages to show off for the fruity fruit drink fanciers of the Wuxi China Expatdom.  

"Wuxi China fruity fruit drink fanciers have the highest per capita income in the world," said the organizers of the festival Christopher and Chad.  "Wuxi China Expatdom Fruity Fruit Drinkers also have the highest level of educational achievement and sexual prowess of any demographic group anywhere!" they added.  "So, everyone is trying to sell to them by showing how super-duper mister hooper their fruity drinks are!"

Fifty Four thousand five hundred fifty four fruity fruit flavored beverage booths were set up in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.  Companies including Passion Fruit Drinks, Wuxi Fruit Drinkers and Consultants, Wuxi Lovely Fruits, Wuxi Solar Panels and Fruits, Wuxi Real Fruity Beverages, Wuxi Pharma Fruits, Wuxi FruiTec, Jiangnan Mini Fruit, Hui Shan Honey Peaches, and Meicun Melons set up booths.  Said Sam DeForest, CEO of Fruity Harmony Beverages and Valves, "The Wuxi China Expatdom fruity fruit drink fancier is currently the most-wanted demographic in the world.  It has lots of savings.  A passion for fruit.  A great sense of fashion and human decency.  And it loves to go to the firing range!  All good things in my book!"

Five thousand booths selling firearms were also set up.  Andis Kaulins, president of the Wuxi China Expat Rifle Association, said that "people who have a passion for fruity beverages have the right to protect themselves from the less understanding types!"  Fruity fruit drinker Gregory Peck said "If anyone threatens and says I should drink carrot juice instead of my cantaloupe juice, I will call his bluff!"  Said  Lloyd Bridges: "Look at me the wrong way while I am drinking my passion fruit and kiwi fruit drink, and you will be drinking lead!"  Said Rexy Robinson: "I like drinking orange juice when I am shooting skeet or defending myself late at night while walking the really tough and mean Wuxi streets-- the ones that only the tough and rough and burly Harry Callahan can patrol!"

Wuxi China Expatdom holds massive ticker-tape parade for Wuxi Red Guards and Wuxi Jaywalkers

An estimated nine hundred million people lined Wuxi's Zhongshan Road to watch a ticker parade parade held to honor the Expatdom's two most recent sports championships won by the Wuxi Red Guards and the Wuxi Jaywalkers.  

The Wuxi Red Guards, who normally play American Football and win Super Bowls, found themselves sharing a parade with the Baseball Jaywalkers after winning the Rugby World Cup disguised as the New Zealand All-Blacks.

The Wuxi Jaywalkers, who last week disguised as the St. Louis Cardinals won their seventieth consecutive World Series title, didn't mind sharing the limelight with the Red Guards.  Said Jaywalker manager Casey Stench:  "Another Year, another baseball world championship, another ticker-parade, another five hundred million people coming to greet us!  It can get dull.  It is nice to have someone up there with us!"

Wuxi China Expats celebrating Halloween in massively grand style

Wuxi China Expatdom 2011 Halloween is certainly going to be the greatest Halloween in all of human history say Halloween experts and Expatdom observers.

Bela Lagrogli, professor of Halloween studies at Gorzo the Mighty University, says that the Expatdom's tremendous collection of great personalities has been a boon for the costume industry.  "Who do you want to dress up as?" asked Lagrogli. "King of Wuxi Gorzo the Mighty, Prime Minister Mango, Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President and best-selling author Harry Moore, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, Wonder Woman, Queen Ayira:  The Chosen One, Admiral Lloyd Bridges, Air Marshall Gregory Peck, Poet Laureate Alfred Lord McClusky, Fred Minkleman or Wally Droop?  The choices are all so intriguing that I plan on wearing at least four of the costumes!  And think of what Harry Moore has done for the bikini brief industry.  There are a lot of people making good money this Halloween!"

Jim Carrey, owner of Masks-R-Us, says he has already sold ninety five million Gorzo masks and seventy nine million Mango skirts.

The biggest Halloween Party in Wuxi, China will be at Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District where the winner of the best costume will win an Aircraft Carrier completely manned by the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy.

Smaller parties will be held at the Chestnut Pub and Room 101.  Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut, says one should come see the Occupy movement protesters who are living in his urinals.  "They have dressed themselves up as toilet brushes!"  Co-owners of Room 101, the only bondage club in Wuxi, China, Keith Olbermann, Michael Moore, and Anthony Weiner, say they will host a Halloween party dedicated to bringing back the Pagan, torture, and human-sacrificial aspects of Halloween.

Wuxi Expat not stimulated by Microsoft Plane Simulator software

Duston Short, the Wuxi China Expatdom midget sumo-wrestling champion, an English teacher who has taught at every English school in Wuxi, and a part-time employee at the Chestnut Pub, told the Wuxi China Exaptdom blog that he was disappointed by the Microsoft Plane Simulator software.

Said Short: " I bought the software, loaded it into my laptop, took off my clothes, and brought out a bottle of wine expecting to have a Boeing 747 Jumbo Plane ride up my whatitswhosit; but instead I had to try to learn how to make a plane takeout.  What a gip!"

Wuxi Jaywalkers defeat Texas Rangers to win Seventieth Consecutive World Series Title

The Wuxi Jaywalkers, this year disguised as the St. Louis Cardinals, defeated the Texas Rangers 6-2 on Friday evening to win the 2011 World Series in seven games.

The Jaywalkers capped another thrilling postseason run with their seventieth consecutive World Series title.

They beat the Rangers in Game 7 as Rabbi Aaron Tendler, disguised as Chris Carpenter had strong start, Rabbi Label Lam, disguised as David Freese, tied the game with a two-run single in the first inning, and Rabbi Yedudah Prero, disguised as Allan Craig, blasted the go-ahead home run in the third inning.  Four Jaywalker relievers, including Rabbi Louis Ginzberg, Rabbi Shraga Simmons, Rabbi Yeichel Eckstein and Elisha ben Abuyah, held the Rangers scoreless after Tendler's strong start.

Asked if his team ever tired of winning the MLB World Series, Jaywalker's Manager Casey Stench, said he was always amazed at how his team found new and interesting ways to win the Series.  Said Stench: "Our comebacks from 7-5 and 9-7 deficits in game six were epic.  It was really nice, how we set it up!"

After the interview, Manager Stench received congratulatory phone calls from Wuxi China Exaptdom King Gorzo the Mighty, Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango, Wuxi China Expat Rifle Association President Andis Kaulins, Gambay's Pub Owner Fred Minkleman, Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate Lord Alfred McClusky, Wonder Woman -- acting as head of the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League, and U.S. President Obama who was under the impression that he was talking to the real St. Louis Cardinals. 

Harry Moore, the president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, the two-time inductee into the Wuxi China Expatdom Hall of Fame, and the author of the best-selling The Poolside Harry Moore, it's sequel The Poolside Dazzle, and the smash best-seller Achillius: a day in the life of Andis Kaulins, attended the game in person and was mobbed as he paid a visit to the Jaywalkers' locker room after the game.

88 Billion watch opening ceremonies of Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic

88 Billion beings, across the known universe, watched the opening ceremonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic held at Harry Moore Memorial Square Platinum in the Nanchang District of Wuxi, China on Wednesday evening

Many world leaders attended, including Pope Benedict XVI, German Chancellor Andrea Merkel, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and members of the Libyan National Transition Council.

Vice President Joe Biden, representing the United States at the ceremony, wore a bikini, saying it was the traditional costume of his Jewish African-American Scottish Hispanic Muslim Pagan Native-American Lesbian Transgendered forefathers.

The world leaders and spectators, at the square or on a special universe wide television link, saw a performance by Harry Callahan and the WCE Trio, listened to the oratory of Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society Harry Moore, ignored a plea for money from Wuxi China Expatdom Rifle Association El Presidente Andis Kaulins,  applauded a presentation of Grand Hero of the Wuxi China Expatdom medals to the Wuxi China Expatdom Justice League for rescuing the Swedish Bikini Team, cheered a parade of the 352 bikini teams participating in the Classic, and cried during the emotional lighting of the Bikini Classic flame of Humanity which will burn through the duration of the classic.

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton, representing himself, was noticeably loud and boisterous during the ceremony, especially during the parade of the Bikini teams, as he continually jumped, whistled, hooted, and hollered at the 352 bikini teams taking part in the ceremony, all the while throwing his hotel keys at them.  After complaints from the Swedish Bikini Team, Clinton had to be sprayed down with a fire-hose.

Of the 352 bikini teams participating, the Swedish Bikini Team received the loudest reception.  Others notable teams in the parade included the Libyan Bikini Team, the North Korean Bikini Team, the Harry Moore Appreciation Society Bikini Team, the Girls who have had Andis Kaulins buy them clothes Bikini Team, the Eskimo Bikini Team, the Jamaican Bikini Team, the Spanish Bikini Team, and Dazzle:  the Wuxi China Expatdom Male Strip Team champions.  Dazzle, featuring Dennis Gorman, Andis Kaulins, and Zach Landon, and coached by Dirt E. Harrie, are the only males participating in the classic.

After the parade, 88 year old Henrietta Hopkins, the last surviving participant of the first Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic held in 1939, ran three laps around Harry Moore Memorial Square Platinum, and than ascended 888 meters of stairs to light the flame atop the tower of Humanity, specially constructed for the event.

The Bikini Classic will last for four months, and feature many contests of athleticism, art, beauty, and oratory.

Wuxi China Expat English Teacher says playgrounds are good places to pick up girls

Aristotle Tonny Martin, English Teacher at LIE International English in the Wuxi China Expatdom, in an exclusive interview with the Wuxi Web Net site, said that playgrounds are good places to pick up girls.

Said Martin, who wished to be anonymous said:  "Oh yeah!  The women and girls there are very impressionable and so willing to please!  If you know what I mean?  Nudge!  Nudge!  Wink!  Wink!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan expressed concern about Martin's claims and said he would investigate.  "If Martin is saying what I think he's saying," said Callahan, "I will deport him personally!  Of course, he could mean that the girls there are lighter than the ones who hang out at Mickey D's all day!  I don't want to rush to conclusions!  And there is nothing illegal about trying to meet single mothers or divorcees as well!  After all, it is my motto to shot punks only after I have given them the benefit of a doubt!"

Wuxi China Sexpat Feminist alliance Co-Leader demands investigation of run in the thigh of Wonder Woman's tights

John Hefner, member of parliament and co-leader the Wuxi China Sexpat-Feminist Alliance, demanded a parliament committee be set up to find out why Wonder Woman was seen to have a run in the inner thigh of her tights when she paid a visit to the Wuxi China Expatdom Veterans Hospital.

Hefner, said he was so aggravated and angered, by what he called "a breach of protocol," that he said he would personally head the committee to investigate the inner thigh run of Wonder Woman and would waive his right to receive a parliamentary investigative committee stipend.

Hefner quickly backed away from his demands, however, when Prime Minister Mango said "that's my wife you are talking about!"

The Abdominal Snowman of Hui Shan

Late last night at Gambays, long-time Expatdom character and public official Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis shared one of the most remarkable, and eeriest,
experiences ever heard of in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

The hour was late - very late, and almost all the night's bar patrons had left. The bar lights were dimmed, and only the Minkelman twins, Landis, and around ten Expats were having a last "one for the road". Outside, a howling frigid gale blew through the almost deserted 1912 Bar District.

The few remaining Gambays patrons couldn't fail to notice the vacant, haunted stare - as though looking into another world, that had taken-hold of Landis' usually-cheery countenance.
Hans Klingner enquired with Landis if he was feeling alright.

"Let me ask you all a question", replied Landis, "be ye all God-fearing men? Can you promise to keep safe something I must tell you, something that you will wish I'd never told you?". Hans, and the other patrons were by now intriqued, and gathered closely in a circle around Landis.

"It was on a night the same as this, when I first saw - it", whispered Landis hoarsely. "Must have been in late-1989. Of course, I'd heard the story from many WCE old-timers before, but had dismissed these as pigments of their imagination."

"They told a tale of a mountain monster, seen on the snow clad slopes of Hui Shan. Old Father Flanagan, God rest his soul, - he was the Expatdom's
longest-lived person at that time, swore that it was true."

Hans Klingner shifted uneasily in his chair, and glanced around anxiously.

"By and by, well, I just had to go to Hui Shan myself, and once and for all, find out if there was a grain of truth in what was then a widely-known legend, here in the Expatdom", said Landis.

He continued "I was much younger and fitter then. I kitted mysel' out with my skis, snow-shoes, paraffin stove, a 3-bedroom canvas tent, a wheeled BBQ,
sufficient oxygen for the dizzying ascent, magazines, transistor radio, newspapers,
a pack of cards, my night-time kimono, several writing pads and pens, six Hanimex pocket cameras, a flashlight, several pairs of undershorts, 28 pairs of industrial-strength woollen socks, and then I began the climb - of Hui Shan".

Hans Klingner, and the enraptured audience gave a collective shiver, their faces lit by the ghostly pale lights from the far end of Gambays' bar. "Go on,
and what happened then?", asked Hans.

"Nothing at first", replied Landis. It took me three days and nights to reach the first koll. I narrowly escaped being crushed by avalanches, and by then, frostbite was setting-in to my toes, my fingers, and ahh, err - my other extremeties". "I pitched my tent on a ledge not more than a yard wide. One slip from there, and I'd have plummeted to an icy end on the jagged gray rocks, far, far below.

"I'd climbed into my sleeping-bag, and, on my radio, tuned-in to some restful Sex Pistols lullabies. Outside was as black as pitch. I must have dozed off. But just then - I heard it!".

Hans Klingner gulped-down yet another Tsingtao, and held his glass shakily in his pale hands. "It was an unearhly piercing scream, the like a' which I wager no mortal has ever heard!", Landis went on.
"Then, all was quiet. I lay in my darkened tent, too frightened to move. Then,
just outside, I heard it breathing huskily. I snapped on my flashlight, which must have startled the abdominal snowman because when I poked my head out of the tent-flap, there was nought but darkness."

"But no", Landis went on, "it was then that I SAW IT!!"
Fred Minkelman leaned forward "what, what, did you see, Landis, tell us??!!".

Landis paused, his face ashen and gaunt. Stammering, he said "a monster! A giant hairy white beast, at least 7 feet in height. It's eyes glowed red in the darkness. The creature looked at me with an expression so foul, savage and fearsome I thought I was not long for this world, right there and then!. Old Father Flanagan had been right, twas no fanciful legend - the abdominal snowman is on Hui Shan!."

At that precise moment, Frank Minkelman, busy cleaning-up at the bar, and unaware that Landis and his spellbound audience were still in the far dark corner of the room, turned the bar-lights up to maximum brightness.

Simultaneously, Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis stood up, finished off his glass of Heineken, and said "But then again - I might have been mistaken", and then he left.

Wonder Woman visits the Wuxi China Expatdom Veterans Hospital

The wife of the Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister, Wonder Woman visited the War against the Ayatollah of Mordor wing of the Wuxi China Expatdom Veterans Hospital Sunday afternoon.  

The idea of her visit was initially meet with hostility from the veterans who had become accustomed to being visited by Her Majesty, the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira: the Chosen One.  But Ayira, pregnant with triplets, has had to curtail her hectic schedule which included visiting children's hospitals, praying at churches, attending ribbon-cutting ceremonies, launching Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Battle Ships, attending movie premieres, having audiences with Pope Benedict XVI and the first wives of many nations, doing King Gorzo's laundry and cooking, and playing Mah Jong with her local friends at the De Bing Hotel in Meicun.  Wonder Woman had agreed to act as Wuxi China Expatdom Queen, up to a point, so as to allow Ayira to prepare to bring the three new additions to the royal household.  

The veterans quickly changed their opinion of the visit of Wonder Woman, when they saw the former Amazonian Queen in person.  Charmed by her beauty, over-awed by her shapely thighs, brought to tears by her compassion, and their spirits raised by her bountiful bosom, the veterans, even the ones in wheel chairs or missing limbs, stood to applaud her.  One veteran, Cornelius McBloom, a caramel ball still stuck to his forehead, said that Wonder Woman seemed to have the angelic presence of Mary, the mother of Jesus.

Wonder Woman, was gracious at the enthusiasm of her reception, telling the veterans that the sacrifices they made in helping oust the evil former King of Wuxi from the Expatdom, would never be forgotten by her and free people the world over, especially those who were Wuxi China Expatdomites, the freest people on Earth.

Wuxi Red Guards edge France 8-7 to win Rugby World Cup

Disguised as the New Zealand All-Blacks, the Wuxi Red Guards won the Rugby World Cup beating France 8-7 in the Final.  The Red Guards pretended to survive an uncanny spate of flyhalf injuries to make the final seem gripping and give the Wuxi China Expatdom its first ever Rugby World Title.

The Red Guards playing Rugby for the first time, surprised themselves by taking a 5-0 lead into the halftime break. The Red Guards opened the scoring when a well-worked lineout move deep in the France 22 allowed Rabbi Benjamin Blech, disguised as Tony Woodcock, to charge through a gap in the French defence and sprint 10m to touch down for his first ever Rugby try in his first ever Rugby match.

Rabbi Yonason Golden, dressed in a Richie McCaw suit, said they didn't think they would take the lead into halftime.  "Our plan was to figure out the rules, and make a dramatic second half comeback.  But, no one likes to be nice to the French!"

Rabbi Yaacov Perrin, disguised as Stephen Donald, kicked a 45th-minute penalty try to give the Red Guards an 8-0 lead.  "I wasn't planning on being Stephen Donald in the match!" said Perrin, "But the Jerome Kaino suit didn't fit me!  But it all seemed to work out as this obscure guy scoring the winning points made the media types happy!"

The Red Guards then let the French score a try, even letting them place the try by the goal posts for an easy conversion.  After that, the Red Guards let the French put pressure on them so as to make the New Zealand fans feel some tension.  Said Rabbi Perrin:  "I heard that the All-Blacks have only won one world cup before."

At the end of the match, Rabbi Yonason Golden, who had the honor of holding aloft the Webb Ellis Cup, was asked what he thought of Rugby.  Said Golden: "It is not as tough a game as American Football.  I think I will take up the sport when my National Football League career ends!"

  

Wuxi China Expatdom's Film Appreciation President Launches New Driver Training Program at Chappaquiddick

WCEFAS President Harry Moore, continuing his (so-far) uneventful and enjoyable Stateside tour, was at Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts, yesterday to launch a new, advanced driver-training program.

Media representatives present appeared mystified as to why the obscure, isolated, wind-swept location had been chosen. Harry Moore responded that "here at Chappaquidick, we have a fantastic cross-section of the various kinds of terrain where advanced drivers will be able to hone their skills.

"Over there (he said, pointing), there's long, fast sections of blacktop. Here we have a sandy track, and a bit further ahead, there's a narrow bridge. All in all, these are the different road-conditions which graduates of the the new Harry Moore Driver Excellence Training Academies (HMDETA's) will be able to handle in their stride".

"That's right, you heard correctly", he said, " 'academies', because these will be franchisable training businesses. We won't be referred to as being simply a 'driving school', no, our training techniques will be second-to-none and I have personally developed them, based upon my long experience behind the wheel."

Harry Moore then handed-out press-release kits to the journalists, containing details of the HMEDTA's. Harry Moore said that his training program was more of a concept, than a practical exercise. "Yes, sure", he said, "but as you'll see in the handouts, whilst we'll train our clients how to adroitly apply the brakes, and to shift-up through the gears, well, we prefer to use such terms as
'caress the shift-lever', or, 'regard that brake-pedal with due-respect."

"Our curriculum specifies that drivers who aim to become true professionals will be expected to be 100% sober at all times. However, such is the in-built flexibility of the training program, well, we will also teach drivers how to still drive pedal-to-the metal, even if they're carrying a bottle of rye, or two,
onboard.

The WCEFAS President said that the Academies will offer three levels of qualification for drivers. The highest will be the Chappaquidick Diamond Level Diploma.

"And", he added, "we'll have a strict non-discriminatory policy in the HMEDTAs. For those clients who are non-native English speakers, we'll be offering two other accredited qualifications - the Jade Pearl Harbor Diploma, and, the Emerald Little Big Horn Diploma".

Harry Moore said that the HMEDTA Training Program had already been operating in other US States, and overseas countries, for several years. "Yes, our
distinguished alumni include the UK's Sir Stirling Moose, and others, such as
Ace Ventura, and Jerry Bruckheimer".

"Well, that wraps it-up for now", said Harry Moore, "however right here I have a Trans-Am 4.2 cubic inch Shelby Mustang, warmed-up and ready to roll!
If you media people would like to climb in with me, I'll just give you a demonstration of the advanced driving techniques. I'll take it over that narrow wooden bridge up ahead and so you'll be able to...... ".
Harry Moore abruptly stopped speaking at that point when he noticed that every single
media person had hastily departed the scene.

Wuxi China Expatdom to build two Intercontinental Railways

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Transportation Steve "McQueen" Hartz announced that the Expatdom will build two intercontinental railways: one to Australia, and another to North America

Minister "McQueen" said the North America to Wuxi China Expatdom Express would go through Siberia, pass directly over the North Pole, before entering Canada.  In Canada, the Express would pass through Canada's northern territories before arriving in Manitoba and the city of Brandon, where the parents of Andis Kaulins live.  The Express would then take passengers to Detroit, Michigan where an AKIC fan lives.

The Wuxi China Expatdom to Australia Express will go straight south, more or less, from Wuxi, China to Brisbane, Australia.  Harry Moore, two-time inductee in the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame and the charismatic current president of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, lives in Brisbane and loves movies about train travel.

Minister "McQueen" said the railways would be completed in a week and the trains would be able to approach speeds of 8,888 km per hour.  Said the Minister:  "We have bought about 20,000 km of track from Takara TOMY which is easy to put together.  We don't even need engineering firms to help us! And I can tinker with the engines so they can go super-fast like a bat out of hell!"

His majesty the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty, praised Minister McQueen for his ambitious train project being built on an Andis Kaulins budget.  Said His Majesty: "Take that, President Obama!"

Some Wuxi Expats assert Squirrels are not Mammals

Some Wuxi Expats, were seen to exit the washrooms of the Chestnut Pub, enter the bar area, sit beside patrons unknown to them, and assert that squirrels were not mammals.

These Wuxi Expats, mostly members of the Wuxi China Expatdom Joe Biden Appreciation Group (WCEJBAG) and the Occupy Chestnut Pub Urinals and Toilet Expat Protest Society (OCUTEPS), were belligerent when confronted by local media who questioned their assertions.

The WCEJBAGers and the OCUTEPSers were overheard to say: "Don't mess with us!" and "Don't screw with us" and "Don't put words in our mouths!" and "Squirrels aren't mammals because trees aren't mammals and that is where they live!"

When the media wouldn't back down, the WCEJBAGers and OCUTEPSers fled to the toilets, put their heads in the toilets, and ignored further questioning.

Chief Inspector Harry Callahan Declares War on Bus-Fare Evaders

The Wuxi China Expatdom's highest-ranking law-enforcement operative,
CI Harry Callahan, issued a press release today addressing the increasing numbers of Expats who are riding the Expatdom's buses, gratis.

The brief, but tersely-worded, media release was handed-out, in adherence to regulation compliance with all movie and television police dramas, - down at the station. Though it didn't specify whether this was the police station, or the railway station.

CI Callahan said that any further attempts at evasion would be dealt-with
severely, and personally, by him. "They, the felon's, MO - that means 'modus operandi' for all you civilians, a Latin expression meaning "Guilty!", is to ride the Expatdom's buses without swiping a fare-card".

"Now I know what you're all thinking", Callahan went on, "the Wuxi China Expatdom has an economy against which others pale into comparison. Our annual growth rate is 228,000% higher that the Expatdoms of Ningbo, Taizhou, and Suzhou, combined,
so what's the big deal?

"Well, you've gotta ask yourselves a question - do you want to slow-down the flow of our rivers of gold?". From today, I'll be riding the municipal buses, at random times, and on different routes.

"Any Expat I (here comes some more police-speak for you meat-headed punks) apprehend will be formally arraigned, and indicted, without a bail-surety, and then charged by the DA, on multiple counts of Grand-evasion, bus fare.

"After that will follow the court trial, and in compliance with accepted
jurisprudence, no objections will be sustained; witnesses will dutifully break-down, and become incontinent, whilst being mercilessly cross-examined; the judge will be the most cantankerous old man in the Expatdom, and, Henry Fonda will bring the other jury-members around to his line of thinking before reaching their verdict".

Wuxi Expats decide to occupy the toilets at the Chestnut Pub

A group of Wuxi Expats, inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement as well as its offshoots, have decided to occupy the toilets at Wuxi's Chestnut Pub.  The Occupy Chestnut Pub Urinals and Toilets Expat Protest Society (OCPUTEPS) say they won't leave the pub till last call every night.

Asked what OCPUTEPS hoped to achieve, leader Duston Short said they weren't sure yet, but OCPUTEPSers were angry and wanted to achieve some good thing.  "We also really like the Chestnut Pub toilets.  They are really good for dunking our heads into.  They are wide and deep enough to dunk all of our heads into.  And occupying the Chestnut Pub sure beats the heck out of occupying Xi Hui Park!  You can't get cold beer there!" said Short.

But other then their leader, OCPUTEPSer did seem to know what they wanted.  Jilian Marchand, from Canada, said she would dunk her head in the women's toilet for democracy and women's rights.  Francois De Boom Boom said he would stick his his in the toilet for social justice.  Alan Gray said he would dunk his head in pee for free pork chops and apples sauce.  Juston Short said he would dip his head in W.C. for the working classes.  Pamela Proctor said the turds in the toilet were corporate profits and she would do whatever it took to make the profits smaller.  Leon Trotsjay said the toilet represented the situation of the lower classes and he would stick his head in with them."

Wally Droop, owner of the Chestnut Pub, said he would tolerate the Occupation for now.  "But the minute they welsh on their bar bill, they are out of here!"

Shanghai China, Suzhou China, and Kunshan Expatdoms to become Wuxi, China Expatdom Colonies

Representatives from the Shanghai China Expatdom, Suzhou China Expatdom, and the Kunshan Expatdom visited Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty to beseech his majesty to let their Expatdoms to be colonies of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Gorzo the Mighty, stressing that he had no imperial ambitions, said he accepted the applications for colonial status from the neighboring Expatdoms, because they did have problems that where too intractable for their current leaders to deal with.

Said His Majesty:

"Shanghai Expats are currently plagued by a crisis of confidence that our emergency supplies of Viagra to them hasn't stopped.  They have decided for now that they should attach their star to the Wuxi China Expatdom in hopes of restoring their confidence."

"Suzhou Expats are having personal hygiene issues that again seem intractable to their leadership.  Not knowing what to do about their body odor, they are hoping that becoming a colony of the Wuxi China Expatdom can make them smell better.  We have already set up temporary showers for them."

"Kunshan Expats want to change the perception that their Expatdom is close to the Shanghai Expatdom.  They hope by becoming a Wuxi China Expatdom colony, they will be thought of as a Wuxi neighbor."

His majesty added that the Wuxi China Expatdom will grant the new colonies seats in the Wuxi China Expatdom parliament.  As well, a Wuxi China Senate will be established to vouchsafe the rights of the colonies in the legislature.

The Colonies will be ruled by Governors, appointed by His Majesty, from the prominent citizens of the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's visit to Dallas a success despite assassination attempt

WCEFAS President Harry Moore's trip was considered a tremendous success despite an attempt on his life that took place as his motorcade was just leaving downtown Dallas.

Moore's Air Force Diamond arrived at Dallas's Love Field where a crowd of one million came to greet the WCEFAS President.  After getting off his plane, President Moore got into a large Lincoln convertible with the mayor of Dallas, his wife, and a girl named Jackie who was to be Moore's companion in Dallas.  Moore, the Dallas mayor and their female companions rode a motorcade route through Downtown Dallas where an estimated eighty million spectators stood to get a glance of the WCEFAS President.  The sight of President Moore's Romney-like hair caused many of the female spectators, and a few of the male spectators, to faint.

But entering Dealey Plaza, at the end of the Dallas Downtown, an attempt was made on President Moore's life.  Shots were fired from at Moore from 36 windows in the Texas School Book Depository, six windows in the Dal-Tex Building, 25 windows in the Dallas Country Records Building, and 24 windows in the Dallas County Criminal Court Buildings.  Grenades were fired at President Moore from launchers placed atop the United States Post Office building.  On a rail overpass, which the motorcade was to proceed under, one hundred people threw grenades at the Lincoln convertible in which Moore rode.  At a grassy knoll and Pergolas memorial, which the motorcade was to pass, artillery, tank, rifle, mortar, and machine gun fire was directed at the motorcade.  And a fleet of ten hijacked B-52s dropped nuclear weapons on the plaza as Moore's motorcade rode through it.

Fortunately, all the assassins missed their target.  The Dallas Police Chief blamed the Oliver Stone faction of the International Film Appreciation Society for the attempt.  "The leaders of the plot had filed an application with us to use the Plaza to film JFK 2.  We unsuspectingly approved the application."

Reaction from world leaders to the assassination attempt was unanimous in its condemnation.  Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, hoping to curry favor with WCEFAS president Moore after seeing that Moore's hair was ruffled during that attempt, offered to send Moore emergency hair-care products.

Moore's motorcade arrived at the Dallas Trade Mart on schedule.  There, Moore's speech to an estimated five hundred million spectators was warmly received.  Moore's words were continually interrupted by hour-long standing ovations.  Water bombers were used during the speech to cool the crowd's ardor for Moore, who, by making the speech in the nude, prevented the crowd from rushing him to tear off his clothes.  When the speech ended, the crowd formed a conga line that was fifty miles long.

When the audience for the speech heard about the assassination attempt,  they put on suits and hats, armed themselves with pistols, rushed to the Dallas City Jail, where they shot all the alleged assassins and prevented them from being transferred to the county jail

Wuxi China Expatdom Scientists making tremendous advancements in edible clothing R&D

Guntus Gruber, chief scientist at the Wuxi China Expatdom Edible Food Research Institute (WCEEFRI), announced that his organization has made tremendous breakthroughs in the edible clothing research and development.

"What we have done," said Gruber, "is to take the R&D and turn it on its head!  Instead of trying to make clothing edible, we are making food wearable and usable in many contexts.  This paradigm shift in our approach has yielded many wonderful new innovations like cheeseburger bra cups, spaghetti wigs, onion ring bracelets, fish knee pads, cabbage shoulder pads, watermelon helmets and pizza pockets."

"Currently, we looking for uses for rice and moral uses for bananas."

Duston Short, the midget sumo wrestling champion of the Expatdom, has volunteered to help researchers find a way to make rice an edible version of kitty litter.  "There is nothing I love more," said Short, "than to eat used kitty litter after I have stuck my head, for thirty minutes, in a toilet.  I am excited tremendously by the possibility of real edible kitty litter.  Current kitty litter tastes a little sandy!"

Wuxi China Expat Talk Radio Host says Mitt Romney not Naturist enough to be President.

Ronald Reagan Benedict Booker T Washington Jefferson de Tocqueville, the Wuxi China Expatdom's number one morning talk radio host, defended remarks he maid on his show that Mitt Romney was not Naturist enough to be U.S. President.

"The times, the circumstances, and the problems of the day are begging for Naturist solutions, if people are only honest enough to see it!" said Reagan Benedict Booker T Washington Jefferson de Tocqueville.  "Romney bills himself as a solutions guy, but anytime he is given the opportunity to stand up for Naturist solutions, he hedges like milque toast.  A true Naturist is not afraid to reveal him or herself and what he or she is thinking!  A true Naturist doesn't mind shocking people with the truth.  Romney isn't like this!  He has cited the fact that he takes off  his clothes to take a shower as proof that he is a true Naturist. A truly weasel positioning.  Whenever he attends Naturist conventions, which is only when he is running for something, he is always carrying his briefcase, and not at his side!  His hedging has only resulted in his getting the endorsements of the Ayatollah of Mordor for Christ's sake!"

Asked what he would do if Romney ended up getting the Republican nomination, Reagan Benedict Booker T Washington Jefferson de Tocqueville said he would "hold his nose" and vote for Romney.  "The current occupant of the White House has to go.  Say what you like about Romney's phoniness, but the current U.S. president is truly a dead stiff.  He probably takes a shower in a suit and tie!"

Showers in the Wuxi China Expatdom Parliament to become Bi-Partisian

A decision of the Wuxi China Expatdom Parliament Parliamentary Facility Committee, to make the shower facilities in the Parliament Bi-Partisan, has been greeted with mixed reaction from WCE members of parliament.

Some have praised the decision to put the parliamentary showers and lockers, which had previously been divided by party and gender, into one "big tent" area.  Anthony Weiner, a member of the Wuxi Sexpat Feminist Alliance, said: "Group showering is the avenue to human understanding, tolerance, and peace!"

Others, including the military junta controlling the opposition Nudist Party, reluctantly agreed to the showering arrangements, but only after assurances that they would be allowed to take sidearms into the shower with them.

Those critical of the new bi-partisan showering arrangements said that wanting bi-partisanship was akin to wanting uni-partisanship and thus dictatorship.  Said Hank Williams Junior, an MP from the Naturist Party:  "Can you imagine Hitler and Netanyahu showering together?  What could that possibly accomplish?"

Wuxi English Teachers defeat Wuxi Expat Engineers 9-8 in weekend rugby match

Sunday, the Wuxi English Teachers Rugby Team narrowly defeated the Wuxi Expat Engineers Rugby Team 9-8 in a match played before 30 people at the Wuxi Expat Football Grounds.

The English Teachers scored all their points on penalty goals with Dennis Gorman kicking two for six points and Zach Landon getting one for three.

With twenty minutes remaining in the game, the English Teachers had a 9-3 lead.

The Engineers then scored a try to make the score 9-8. The conversion kick hit the goal post, and so the Engineers needed to score again.

With minutes remaining in the game, the Engineers' rally efforts resulted in another kick, this time on a penalty, going under the crossbar by inches.  A foot higher, and the Engineers would have won the match.  It was the defining moment of the match said the Engineer's captain Deloris Morris, who said her side generally had the run of play but no luck in scoring points.

After the final whistle, the Teachers took a shower together to celebrate their victory.

Exiting the shower, the English Teachers captain Duston Short said the victory over the female team was a wonderful development, and he had full confidence that the English Teachers would be give a "game that is good" to the male Engineers Rubgy team whom his side will play next week.

Wuxi China Expatdom Admirers of Herman Cain hold Pizza Festival

Herman Cain Admirers and Supporters, a growing portion of the Wuxi China Expatdom population, held a pizza festival in which nine nine inch pizzas could be purchased for nine RMB at Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China.

Andis Kaulins, leader of the Cain Admiration Society, said the Pizza at the festival was the best he had ever eaten in his seven years of living in the Expatdom.  Said Kaulins, who is also president of the Wuxi China Rifle Association and an inductee into the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame:  "Other than at Pizza Hut, the pizza to be had in Wuxi, China is shit!"

Asked to justify his frank use of language, Kaulins said he was inspired by his new hero's straight talk.  "Herm Cain calls it like it is. And because of this, he is refreshing....  And he is inspiring.  He personal battle to overcome cancer is a lesson for all of us in dealing with adversary."

Talking about Cain's lack of foreign policy experience, Kaulins wasn't in the least worried.  "Any man who pronounces Ukbekistan:  Uz becky becky wecky stan is definitely offering a fresh approach to foreign affairs.  It has been my experience that many people who live in foreign countries fashion themselves experts.  With Cain, you will hopefully see a President who makes no pretense in knowing about unimportant parts of the world.  I can just see him going to France, and wondering, aloud and openly, why all the effeminate types there are pricks!"

Ninety nine million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine Expats attended the Festival.

Wuxi Expat says his success at Fantasy NFL Football is overwhelming proof of his absolute and unquestionable virility

Andis Kaulins, a long-time Wuxi China Expat, says that his two game winning streak in his Fantasy NFL Football League is overwhelming and incontrovertible proof that his virility is supreme, majestic, absolute and unquestioned.

Kaulins's team the Wuxi Metro, after losing two of their first three matchups, have won two games in a row to get into a three-way tie for first in its four-team division.

Said Andis Kaulins, an English Teacher and Blogger after his team posted a victory in week five of the season:  "Look out Ladies!  Here I come!  But I have to say I'm sorry!  I'm married and that is all there is to it.  I also apologize to the other guys in the Wuxi China Expatdom.  You are just going to have to try harder!  I know I make you look bad!"

Bank of Wuxi China Expatdom's assets at Eighty Eight Quazillion U.S. dollars at end of September

The Bank of Wuxi China Expatdom's assets in September 2011 increased by 0.22%, compared to August, and totaled USD 88 quazillion at end-September, the business information Nozare.wce learned from the central bank.

French Aristocrat observes that the Wuxi China Expatdom is full of happy naked people who walk sideways

Alexis-Charles-Henri Clérel de Tocqueville, a French aristocrat has visited the Wuxi China Expatdom and decided to produce three volumes of observations about it.

Alexis-Charles-Henri Clérel de Tocqueville, when he was a teenager, had his name legally changed to Alexis-Charles-Henri Clérel de Tocqueville.

Alexis-Charles-Henri Clérel de Tocqueville said that Alexis-Charles-Henri Clérel de Tocqueville, the author of the great 19th century volume of political and social observation Democracy in America, was his hero

On his recent visit, Alexis-Charles-Henri Clérel de Tocqueville has observed that the Wuxi China Expatdom is a place full of happy and scantily-clad people who walk sideways and sometimes backwards, and yet seem socially well-adjusted.

Tocqueville, who see himself as a liberal in the classical tradition like his namesake from the 19th century, believes that he has found a place, about which he can write, that can produce a volume of political observation that would serve as a sequel or as a companion volume to Democracy in America.

Said Tocqueville: "America at the time of my hero, was as so different from Europe in the last throes of aristocracy. America, in contrast to the aristocratic ethic, was a society where hard work and money-making was the dominant ethic, where the common man enjoyed a level of dignity which was unprecedented, where commoners never deferred to elites, and where what he described as crass individualism and market capitalism had taken root to an extraordinary degree. The Wuxi China Expatdom finds itself, at this time, differing from Europe as well. Europe, currently, is in the last throes of welfare statism, whether it likes to admit it or not. The Wuxi China Expatdom, in contrast to the welfare ethic, is a society where hard work, individualism, imagination, Catholic morality, a sense of joie de vie, naturism, smoking, monarchs, prime ministers, eccentricities, super-heroes, Judaism, Christianity, silly names, marriage to inanimate objects, democracy, a good joke, exaggeration, no respecting of Ontario Canada people, no respecting of lechers, truth, no respecting of drug addicts, and a good kick-in-the-ass to bad guys has taken root."

Tocqueville, hasn't quite settled on a title for his series of volumes about the Wuxi China Expatdom. Possible titles include Naturism in The Wuxi China Expatdom, Democracy in the Wuxi China Expatdom, or Constitutional Monarchical Naturism in the Wuxi China Expatdom.

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President to make a speech at Dallas Texas Trade Mart

More and more places, the world over, are inviting Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore to make speeches, after the wild reception to his two made to the U.S. Congress and U.N. General Assembly.  

The WCEFAS President is now to embark on a world speaking tour on all seven continents.  He will speak to such diverse organizations as the Iranian Parliament, the Australian Star Trek Society, the North Korean People's Film Society, the National Football League Player's Association, the NAACP, the CIA, the FBI, the KGB, KAOS, SMERSH, and the Turkmenistan Goat Herder's Collective.

The first stop of the WCEFAS President's World Tour will be at the Texas Trade Mart in Dallas, Texas.  The Trade Mart has set up temporary seats for eight million people to listen Moore talk about a wide range of topics.  Air Force Diamond, the official plane of the WCEFAS President's World Tour, will land at Dallas's Love Field at 1100 am on Monday Morning.  From there, a motorcade with take President Moore through Downtown Dallas to the Trade Mart. 

President Moore is then scheduled to make ten other stops in Texas, the state that advertises as being "almost as big in everything as the Wuxi China Expatdom," including EL Paso, Houston, San Antonio, Luckenback, and Waco.

Andis Kaulins And Other Expats They Say Day-ay-ay-o-o

The Wuxi China Expatdom's official musicians, the WCE Trio
have spent the past month in search of a fresh new sound.
Finally, yesterday, the Trio emerged re-born as a Caribbean-style
calypso band.

Band-member Kennesaw "Hui Shan" Landis found an old Harry
Belafonte recording (45 RPM, vinyl) of the Banana Boat Song, and the Trio
spent countless hours rehearsing the words and music.
This is the only calyso song in the Trio's repertoire for now, however they intend to
gather more tunes in due course.

Appearing in full-song in Gambays late yesterday afternoon, bar patrons found the rhythm infectious, and rapidly a conga line was formed. From there the Trio
and the conga-line moved out into the street, and began their progress through the avenues of the Expatdom.
"Stack banana till the mornin' come,
Daylight come and me wan' go home"

As the Trio, and ever-lengthening Expat conga-line wound their way out of the 1912 Bar District and into the commercial district, more and more Expats came rushing from their apartments, or their workplaces, to take-part in the joyous
street parade.
"Work all night on a drink a' rum
Daylight come and me wan' go home!"

Not even the most reserved, and usually-quiet Expats could resist the
Rio Carnivale-like experience that was snaking it's way through the downtown
streets.
"Me say day, me say day-ay-o-o-o!"

As the conga-crocodile - now stretching back for at least 3-4 klms, reached Zhongshan, the sounds of the steel-drums and 24,000 Banana Boat voices
reached the ears of Andis Kaulins, hard at work in his role as the Expatdom's foremost English teacher.

Dropping his subjunctive-clause textbook, Andis ran back to his desk. There he rummaged through his drawers and quickly found his tutti-frutti Carmen Miranda hat, lipstick, a low-cut sarong, and his diamante' platform sandals. Suitably-attired, Andis rushed-out into the street to hook-up with the conga line.

"It's six foot, seven foot, eight foot BUNCH!
Daylight come and me wan' go home!"

There, his buns were grasped tightly by Hans Klingner, and Andis, in turn,
took hold of Chief Inspector Harry Callahan's waist, and on and on continued the rapturous Expats.

At last report, the conga-line stretched from the 1912 Bar District to the
Taihu Dadao, with approximately 250,000 Expats sashaying and limbo-ing their
way into the gathering dusk.
"STACK BANANA TILL THE MORNIN' COME!
DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME!!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's speech to U.N. General Assembly brings temporary World Peace.

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society Presidential Mania came to the U.N. General Assembly and brought ten minutes of temporary world peace.  

WCEFAS President Harry Moore's speech resulted in delirious behavior among the delegates that was similar to that of the U.S. Congressman who screamed like teenage girls during Moore's speech to a Joint Session of the U.S. congress earlier in the week.  Moore's speech, which was supposed to be thirty minutes long, ended up taking twelve hours to deliver as it was interrupted by long standing ovations and delirious delegates rushing the podium to hug or touch the WCEFAS president.  Two times during the speech, fire hoses were used to spray the delegates down in hopes of cooling their ardor.

As the speech ended, all the delegates held hands in peace, and then formed a conga-line which did eight laps around the U.N. Assembly's auditorium.  Israeli and Palestinian delegates could be seen exchanging name cards and phone numbers.  North Korea and South Korea promised to shut the DMZ dividing their country forthwith and sign a peace treaty.  America and Iran promised to resume diplomatic relations.

But the peace lasted about ten minutes.  Ten minutes was the time it took for delegates from Arab countries to go to their lockers and get their automatic weapons.  The Arabs only meant to practice their long-standing habit of celebrating by firing automatic weapons in the air.  Unfortunately, they decided to fire the weapons inside the auditorium and inadvertently killed two delegates from Mexico.  This was the spark that resulted in pitched battles in the general assembly that resulted in 89 fatalities.

U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said the deaths were unfortunate, but that the ten minutes of World Peace that the WCEFAS president's speech had brought to the world was a first in history.  "WCEFAS president Moore's speech was a small step by a man to bring a lasting peace to Mankind!" said the Secretary General.

Wuxi China Expat admirers of Mitt Romney hold hair cream festival

Wuxi China Expat admirers of Mitt Romney held a hair cream festival at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District.  Proceeds from the festival were to go to the Romney 2012 campaign.

A thousand different varieties of gel, hair spray, and pomade were on display for the festival attendees to sample.

Asked why they supported Romney, many festival attendees cited Romney's hair and presidential-looking appearance.  Said Chad Goulet:  "I caught a Republican debate and he easily had the best hair of candidates!  He really looked super!"

One supporter, Wally Rockefeller, said he was impressed by Romney's resume.  "The guy was a governor and in business.  Imagine that!  He must be wonderful!"

Asked about Romney's actual record and positions on issues, many admitted they didn't know for sure what they were, but said it didn't matter because they believed his hair and slick looks would conquer any trouble.

Another faction of Wuxi Expat Sarah Palin Haters hold urine-drinking contest and then engage in acts of sodomy

Another group of Salin Palin hating Wuxi China Expats held a urine-drinking festival to celebrate her decision to not run for the U.S. Presidency.

 

Mitch Munch, leader of the group, told the Wuxi China Expatdom blog that he and other members of his group hated Palin and everything she stood for.  Said Munch:  "Anyone who is as dumb as she is, must be wrong about everything.  I find myself questioning things that I may agree with her about because if she believes these things than they must be wrong!"

 

Asked why his Palin-Hater group was having a urine-drinking contest, Munch said that Palin most certainly liked to drink beer and not urine.

 

The winner of the urine-drinking contest, held at Bobby's Canadian Pub, Juston Short drank 1500 ml of Munch's urine.  Short said that he would celebrate his victory by engaging in acts of sodomy with other male members of group.  "Sarah would most certainly disapprove!" exclaimed Short.

 

Runner-up in the contest, Ernesto Gueverra, said that he planned to get his girlfriend pregnant and then make her abort the baby, because "Sarah would disapprove."

 

Said Gueverra's girlfriend Candy Mahandy："Me and Ernesto think Sarah Palin is dumb, dumb, stupid, and evil.  She wouldn't probably eat babies if her was given the power.  She would probably also stop our drug subsidy which we deserve because we live in a big city and can read."

Wuxi China Expat from Australia doesn't want other Expats or other Sexpats to touch his Norks.

Lewis Oswald, a Wuxi China Expat from Australia who is president of the Hands Off North Korea group, angrily walked into the Room 101 Pub and told patrons that he didn't want them laying a hand on his Norks.

The Patrons of the Room 101 Pub were a little confused, not knowing what Norks or norks he was referring to.

Said one patron:  "I wonder if he is referring to Jin Yung and Hee Yun -- those two North Korean girls he adopted.  They are currently 19 and 20 years old, respectively, and are maturing into quite pretty things!  Most of the patrons, of course, want to get to know them!"

Another patron, from San Francisco, said "I wonder if he is talking about his man-norks.  Last night, at the 101, the patrons has a serious petting session among themselves.  Oswald was there and, of course, took part."

Duston Short, who told reporters that he didn't want word let out that he wasn't at the Chestnut Pub where he was supposed to be working but had called in sick, said Oswald's talk was pretty hypocritical.  "He was grabbing my norks and wouldn't let go last night!"

Oswald hasn't been available, since his tirade, to offer clarification.

Wuxi Expat wonders where all the other Wuxi Expats are

Pam Tilly, an Expat from Nova Scotia, Canada, wonders where all the other Expats are in the Wuxi China Expatom.  After reading that there were millions upon millions of them in the Wuxi China Expatdom blog, she says she has seen any.

"I have walked my apartment complex, looking for them, and I haven't seen any.  I looked under bridges, I hung around public washrooms, and I camped out in my local Carrefour for eight days, and I never saw any!  When I walked the streets, I sang "Where oh where can the Expat be?" in as loud a voice as I could, and no Expat responded.  I even resorted to the old Chicom trick of having loud speakers blaring twenty hours a day asking Expats to come see me -- that didn't seem to work so I put the speakers on a truck and drove throughout the neighborhoods of Wuxi, and never roused one Expat. Reading about the popularity of Naturism in the Wuxi China Expatdom, I walked around "sans clothing or meiyou yifu" only to be stared at and not meet any other Expats.  When I read about the walking backwards craze going on the Expatdom, I ran into no other Expats.  So, I am at my wit's end about this.  I am so lonely, to quote the leader of North Korea!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President to address the United Nations General Assembly

The tumultuous response given to Wuxi China Expatdom Film Society President Harry Moore's speech to a Joint Session of the U.S. Congress, has resulted in the United Nations Secretary General extending an invitation to the WCEFAS President to address the United Nations General Assembly this Wednesday.

Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, at a press conference where he announced the invitation, said that he saw Moore's speech as a way of bringing some life to what had become "a moribund organization where small-time dictators can go blah blah blah."   WCEFAS President Moore, said Ki-moon, would be asked to speak about anything he wanted. 

"I am especially curious to see what Moore thinks about Korean cinema and what solutions he has for the seemingly intractable issue of the Israeli--Palestinian conflict!" said the Secretary General.

Reaction to the invitation has received universal support.  U.N. Delegations from Israel, Iran, the People's Republic of China, North Korea, South Korea, Russia, and the United States all gave overwhelmingly support for the invitation.

Elements of the U.S Republican Party who had publicly wished that America withdraw from the U.N., said they may reconsider their position in light of the invitation to WCEFAS president Moore.  Said Andis Kaulins:  "Finally, the U.N. is good for something!"

U.S. Congressman scream like teenage girls during Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President's speech

Reaction to Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore's speech to a joint session of the U.S. Congress in Washington D.C. has been compared to the Beatlemania phenomenon of the 1960s.

Moore's speech, which was supposed to last twenty minutes, took instead eight hours to deliver because U.S. congressmen and women, from both the Democratic and Republican Parties, continually interrupted the speech with hysterical screaming.

WCEFAS President Moore caused the Senators and Representatives to swoon into ecstasy with his every word.  Moore's first words "good evening!" resulted in a twenty minute standing ovation from the congress.

By the time President Moore had finished the first paragraph of his speech, the base of the podium from which spoke was filled with flowers, hotel keys, huge wads of cash, and discarded clothing.

After five hours, congressional police decided to use fire hoses to spray the congressmen and women in order to let Moore finish his speech.

When Moore finally finished his speech, he had to use deft and agile maneuvers, learned from watching James Bond and Indiana Jones movies, to get out of the congress.  Like the teenage girls who wanted to corral the Beatles, the congressman chased Moore as he left the congress, hoping to touch him.

WCEFAS President Moore, in his speech, praised the contribution of America to world cinema, and said the relationship between the Wuxi China Film Appreciation Society and the United States of America was that of bosom buddies.

Wuxi China Expat Sarah Palin Haters hold Feces-Eating Festival

Haters of Sarah Palin in the Wuxi China Expatdom decided to hold a Feces-Eating Festival to celebrate her decision to not run for the U.S. presidency.

Fifty of the Palin haters, many saying they were from Ontario, Canada, booked the Room 101 Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China to hold their festival.

The Palin haters opened the festival with what they said was a pagan torch parade.  Ten of the haters dressed in black military uniforms goose-stepped in the Room 101 Pub holding torches.  One of the marchers, Duston Short, said "Palin being a Christian and all would really hate pagan torch parades so we decided to do one!"

The torches were then used to set afire a huge pile of books that included Palin's autobiography, Mother Teresa's biography, the U.S. Constitution, FA Hayek's Road to Serfdom, and Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations.  Said Zoey Jefferson: "We know Palin loves these books so we decided to burn them!"

At the same time, many of the Palin Haters took off their clothes, rubbed their bodies with feces, and danced around the bonfire.  Said David Numberman: "We know Sarah would really hate this sort of thing so we did it!"

After the parade and bonfire dance, the Palin Haters settled down for supper.  Among the courses served were burning turds, frosted feces, feces ice cream, organic potatoes smothered in feces, and a feces veggie sandwich.  Said Kathleen Parker: "We ain't hypocrites like Sarah.  We practice what we tell her to do!  And we would expect her to do the same if she responded in kind to the things we have said about her!"

Asked how much they hated Palin, spokesman for the group Keith Olberman said: "We really hate her.  We really really hate her.  She sucks!  She sucks!  And she is stupid!   Really, really, really stupid!  What a ditzy ditz!  I tell you!  I can't believe she is a woman!  As a matter of fact, I can't believe she is a human being!  If she was elected president, we would all be eaten!  Everything she believes in, I hate, because she believes in the totally wrong things unlike us who is so smart!"

Asked if they claiming to be the complete opposite of Palin was cutting off their nose to spite their face, Olberman said that it was a good idea and they would do that at their next two minute hate Sarah session.

Wuxi Expat has wife stolen by seemingly innocent countryside girl

Troy and Delilah Proctor, a Wuxi China Expat couple who proclaimed themselves to be sexually progressive, thought they had found an innocent Chinese countryside girl to join them in a threesome.

The Proctors were at the Santiago Cafe on Saturday night were they meet a young girl who claimed she had only been in Wuxi for a week after having spent the first twenty years of her life in a remote mountain village in Sichuan province.

Troy Proctor told the Wuxi China Expatdom blog that it was his wife Delilah who pointed out the girl to him. 

Said Proctor:  " There we were sitting at the bar.  Delilah told me there was a girl looking at us.  Delilah told me she liked her complexion and big eyes.  And Delilah knew that I would admire her body."

"We got Su Ming to come join us for a drink.  One thing lead to another, and before you know it, I was tied to a bed in the honeymoon suite of the Nikko Hotel and watching an undressed Delilah and Su Ming kissing and engaging in lesbian action.  I was really enjoying myself."

"But after watching them for forty minutes, I started to get impatient and asked if they would untie me and let me join in!  Su Ming then took a towel and wrapped it around my head gagging me.  She and Delilah giggled as my protests became muffled."

"Delilah then passed out.  I suspect that Su Ming had put something in her drink.  She then rifled through Delilah's purse and my wallet.  She asked me if Delilah and I were English teachers.  When I nodded in the affirmative, she got angry.  She got dressed and then dressed Delilah.  She took my clothes and threw them out the window.  She then lifted Delilah onto her shoulders and left the hotel suite."

"It wasn't until the next day that the hotel staff found me, and I got left with a huge bill!"

Proctor said he hadn't seen his wife since.  

Asked if he had heard about the Short brothers having their artificial limbs stolen by the same girl, Proctor said that he and his wife had avoided the Shorts, considering them to be less than human.

Wuxi Expats attempt to start an "Occupy Zhongshan Road" movement.

Saying they had been inspired by the Arab Spring movements and the "Occupy Wall Street" protests in the USA, a group of thirty Wuxi Expats from Ontario, Canada attempted to start an "Occupy Zhongshan Road" movement in the downtown of Wuxi, China.

Chanting "Hay!  Hoe!  Yummy!  Yummy!  We should take a shower and get a job!!", the protesters, their hair matted with feces, were stared at by crowds of curious locals.

Asked what they were protesting for, the group members were of different opinions.  

Duston Short, the midget sumo wrestling champion of the Wuxi China Expatdom, said he wanted girls to not say no to his demands for love.  He also asked for the return of his artificial leg which was stolen by a seemingly innocent countryside girl.

Lord Brian, one of the thirty Toronto, Ontario Expats who infamously got lost last year , said he wanted free pork chops and apple sauce.

Juston Short, brother of Duston Short, said he wanted the return his artificial arm that was recently stolen by a seemingly innocent countryside girl.

Easton Short, brother of Duston and Juston Short, said he wanted to get back his glass eye which was recently stolen by a seemingly innocent countryside girl.

Kenny Dryden, goaltender for the Venice Garden Checkers ice hockey team, said he wanted to see the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

After protesting for an hour, the group became bored, and went to the Chestnut Pub to stick their heads in unflushed toilets.

Wuxi China Expatdom King saddened by Sarah Palin's decision to not run for U.S. Presidency

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, with tears in his eyes, said he was disappointed that Sarah Palin would not run for the U.S. Presidency.

Said His Majesty, "My gal Sarah is the salt of the earth and would have been a great U.S. president.  But I do respect her decision to put family over ambition.  Any gal who chooses not to abort a baby because it has Downe's Syndrome is simply too good for this world.  Who knows!  Maybe, she will run in 2016 or 2020!"

Asked who he was now supporting in the U.S. presidential race, His Majesty said "I am supporting Herm Cain.  I really impressed by him and his business experience.  He is the only candidate who talks any sense.  The so-called front-runners are hedging and seem willing to throw common sense to the wind in order to get votes from "moderates."  I should remind those who say he lacks experience in political office that he has experience in accomplishing things which those who have experience in political office lack.  The great state in the Expatdom is in now has been accomplished by two seeming political novices: myself and Prime Minister Mango! "

Asked what he thought of Mitt Romney, "He troubles me.  Sure, he has nice presidential hair.  And he would be a better president than the current occupant of a White House -- but then so could a Orange Soda Can or Andis Kaulins!  Romney is a notorious flip-flopper, hasn't apologized for Romney Care, and has received the endorsement of the Ayatollah of Mordor!"

Around the Wuxi China Expatdom, Palin supporters act civilly.  A few went to the Santiago Cafe to have a drink and commiserate in a quiet and civilized fashion with fellow Palin-heads.

Palin-Haters in Wuxi, China, however, were besides themselves with joy and acted abominably.  Many took photos of Sarah Palin and rubbed them with their own feces.  Some like Duston Short, midget sumo wrestling champion of the Expatdom, dunked their heads into unflushed toilets of the Chestnut Pub to celebrate Palin's announcement. Others like Troy Picard vowed to never give up hating Palin and to stop making Palin jokes.  A thousand Palin-Haters decided to go skinny-dipping in the Lake Taihu.

The Duke Rides In For WCE Conservative Smokers & Gun-Owners Summit

With only one day left prior to the Summit Meeting of Great Conservative
Smokers and Gun Owners, the Duke John Wayne arrived in the Expatdom today mounted on his horse.
Cantering up to Xihui Park, the venue for the Summit, the Duke dismounted, began unloading 28 cartons of Camels from his saddle bags, then he placed both his
ivory-handled Colt .45s in his waist holsters.

The popular, handsome Conservative was warmly greeted by the more-popular and more-handsome Andis Kaulins, the convenor of the Conference. "AK!", bellowed Wayne,
"great to meet-up with ya again, pilgrim!".

The pair discussed the schedule for the Conference, and Andis Kaulins assured John Wayne that no Lefties, hippies, non-smokers, or Comanches would be there.
Wayne said "You never change the truth none, Andis, there's right and there's wrong, and I know you always do everything right". "And if I do see any non-smokin' Leftie sunnuva hereabouts, why, I'll paddle their pink rump", said the Duke.

AK said that although Harry Moore was leaving for the 'States shortly, he'd definitely be at the Summit.

Just at that moment, Dennis Gorman rode past on a somewhat old, shaggy, small horse. "How long have some of your boys down here been mounted on sheep?", quipped Wayne, with a good-natured chuckle.

Andis Kaulins offered Wayne a Lucky Strike, and then he produced his
AC-566 fully automatic (Sturm Ruger & Company). "That's one helluva shooting-iron ya got there Andis, I coulda used that at the Alamo", admired Wayne.

Andis Kaulins and the Duke then donned their beaver hats, saddled-up, and rode off together to Gambays' saloon.

Venice Garden Checkers trounce Chang Jiang Garden Freezers 8-3 to win the Wuxi China Expat Women's Autumn Ice Hockey Tournament

The Venice Garden Checkers trounced the Chang Jiang Garden Freezers 8-3 in a brawl filled match to win the Wuxi China Expat Women's Autumn Ice Hockey Tournament.

The final match of the six team tournament, featuring all of the Expatdom's female hockey league teams, was played at the Wuxi, China Landlord's Ice Palace before a crowd of 25,000.

Center Doris Mahavolich lead the Checkers with four goals and two assists. She was named the final and tournament MVP. She had already won the tournament's golden stick award for having scored the most goals in the tournament.

Mahavolich opened the game with a natural hat trick in the first four minutes. The Checkers never looked back after that and lead 7-1 at the end of the first period.

The final two periods were very chippy, resulting in over 500 minutes in penalties and nine game misconducts as a result of two bench-clearing brawls.

At the end of the game, the First Lady of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Wonder Woman, presented the Santiago Cafe Cup to Checkers' captain Mahavolich.

After doing a victory lap around the arena, Mahavolich and her Checker teammates boarded a bus and were taken to a rally attended by over 65 million Checker fans at the Harry Moore Memorial Square Platinum.

Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges can't give up smoking Lucky Strikes

Commander of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy and Lucky Strike smoker Admiral Lloyd Bridges is having a hard time giving up smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes. He is even thinking of giving on quitting smoking.

Said Bridges: "I have quit smoking many times in my life and so I consider myself something of an expert on quitting smoking. Any man can quit smoking once; but it takes a man of true virility to quit smoking over and over again like I have. Other brands, other than Luckies, are easy to give up, I have discovered. You won't see me smoking Camels, Export "A" green pack, Export "A" silver pack, Rothmans, Marlboros, Du Mauriers, Hong He, and Zhongshan Hai. But Luckies are a hard thing to give up. The reason? The taste. Lucky Strikes are made with the freshest and highest quality hand-picked tobacco. After the tobacco is picked, it is quickly blended and rolled, and shipped to the stores. I can understand why a sailor would rather scrub the decks, become a cabin boy, and walk the plank than give up Luckies!"

Asked why he was trying to quit smoking, Admiral Bridges said he has been dating Wonder Woman's niece Wonder Girlie who was a fervent anti-smoker.

Ninety percent of Wuxi China Expat Engineers come to work drunk

The World Consortium for Alcoholism released the results of its' survey of alcoholism among the workers of the Wuxi China Expatdom today.

The survey revealed that ninety percent of Engineers in the Expatdom came to work drunk fifty percent of the time.

This came as a surprise to Wuxi China Expats who had thought English Teachers were much bigger drinkers. The survey revealed that only seventy five percent of Wuxi English Teachers came to teach drunk forty percent of the time, that is when they were able to come to teach -- in which case there was a ten percent chance of that happening.

Horst Hoist, president of the Wuxi China Expat Engineers Association, defended the alcoholism of his members saying that the bottle was a source of inspiration for new and revolutionary engineering designs.

Sir Anthony Farquart, president of the Wuxi China Expat English Teachers Association, said his members would be more drunk if they were paid more.  "Currently," said Farquart," twenty five percent of English Teachers can't afford to teach drunk one hundred percent of the time!  There is only one English teacher in the Expatdom who doesn't come to work drunk and that is Andis Kaulins, the notorious tightwad and president of the Wuxi China Expat Rifle Association."

Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President to address Joint Session of U.S. Congress next week

In what President Barack Obama has boasted as the greatest accomplishment of his presidency, Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore has agreed to address a joint session of the U.S. Congress next week.

Moore's accepting the invitation to address both the U.S. Senate and U.S. House of Representatives has received rare bi-partisan praise.  Speaker of the House John Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell all agree that a speech by WCEFAS President Moore would draw attention away from the disaster that they have made of the U.S. economy. 

Vice President Joe Biden said that he was keen to know if WCEFAS President Moore had seen any of the MVP movies with the chimpanzee.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said she wanted to see Harry Moore in person, having used her misgotten Stimulus funds to buy ten thousand copies of the Poolside Harry Moore.  She added that, despite her party having minority status in the house, she deserved to have a seat next to WCEFAS President at the State Banquet to be held on the eve of the speech. "I have enormous admiration for President Moore's virility!" she insisted.

Moore, asked if his decision to be nice to President Obama was ill-advised given the fact that there was strong evidence that the Committee to Re-Elect President Obama had taken part in the plot to assassinate him only two days earlier, said "One of the duties of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society is to act as the Expatdom ambassador to the United States.  I take my presidential duties seriously, and have to put my personal feelings aside!  I love America!  I admire America! My best friends are Americans!  I won't hold the actions of a crazy cabal of Leftists against America.  I consider this speech to be one of the most important of my WCEFAS presidency!"

Wuxi Expat likes to put on clothes when he sees a beautiful woman

Carmine Caravaggio, a 58 year old Wuxi China Expat, who describes himself as a true blue Naturist Sexpat, says he likes to put on his clothes whenever he sees a beautiful woman.

Asked why he would do something so counter-intuitive, Caravaggio, who teaches English at GOB, said it was not kosher to be naked when one introduced oneself to a beautiful woman.

"Once I get familiar with the mademoiselle," said Caravaggio, "I feel we can then take our clothes off together!  Nudge!  Nudge!  Wink!  Wink!  Yozza!  Yozza!  Cheesy Goodness!"

Wuxi Expat attacks Public Bus

Wuxi Expat Midget Sumo Wrestling Champion Duston Short was briefly detained by local police after he attacked a public bus on Wuxi's Zhongshan Road.  Short, an English Teacher at some Wuxi English school, claimed that the bus was giving him a malevolent look, and he had no choice but to attack it.

People who know Short, but denied being his friends, say that Short spent the October holiday in the countryside with his new girlfriend.  Despite being warned to bring along DVDs, Short ignored the advice, and so had nothing to watch but Thomas the Engine and Bob the Builder DVDs that his girlfriend had brought for her little nephew.  Finding out that there was nothing to do in the countryside, Short watched the children's shows, featuring machines with faces, over and over and over again until he couldn't distinguish between the cartoon and reality.

His now ex-girlfriend claimed Short first tried to attack the bus that they were to take back to Wuxi.  The bus driver and the girlfriend had to tie Short up for the trip back to Wuxi.

Untied, once he was back in Wuxi, Short strode angrily down Zhongshan Road and began to believe that all the vehicles in traffic were staring at him.  The number 81 bus, Short thought, was giving him a particularly nasty look, so he waited at a stop to ambush it.  When the 81 bus pulled in, Short, after asking the bus if it was staring at him, put his head down, and proceeded to head-butt the bus bumper until he was finally able to dent it.  Locals, amused by the sight, took out their cameras and recorded videos which they put on Youku.com.  Local Police put Short in the custody of Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan.

Callahan gave Short a choice of always wearing a hockey helmet while he was in the Expatdom or going to jail for ten days.  Short said he would go back to Ontario, Canada to get a hockey helmet.

Another Arrival Of Eminent Great Conservative Smoker & Gun Owner for Summit Meeting

Another delegate for this weekend's Great Conservative Smokers & Gun-Owners Summit Meeting arrived in the Expatdom this morning.
The WCE's highly-esteemed and well-known Andis Kaulins, was on hand to greet Mr Charlton Heston.
Andis Kaulins succeeded Charlton Heston in the role of El Presidente of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association (WERA). Pumping Charlton Heston's hand, El Presidente said that he was delighted. "We have a great affinity, of course. There's nothing we like better than having rifles in our hands, and, we can sample each other's cigarettes too."

El Presidente will deliver the keynote address at the Summit Conference, however, more VIP delegates are scheduled to arrive in the Expatdom tomorrow.

After Charlton Heston had a chance to go into his hotel washroom to freshen-up, El Presidente Kaulins took him out to Lake Taihu so that they could get some target-practice in. The pair fired-off at least 1500 rounds each to get their guns up to operating temperature, and then they settled-down for some serious shooting.

The Wuxi China Expat Film Appreciation Society President's survival of an assassination attempt deemed implausible

Eminent film critics Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert, and Pauline Kael have all said that the Wuxi China Expat Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore surviving an assassination attempt was so miraculous as to seem "implausible."

Said Siskel:  "Harry Moore, on an Sunday evening, walking past the New World Cinema on Zhongshan Road, decided, on a whim, to buy a ticket to see Transformers 3.  And he was able to buy a ticket for a seat located in the middle of the middle row of the cinema.  Getting such a good seat on a whim seems hard to believe.  Especially on the weekend!"

Ebert continuing the narrative said:  "And apparently every other seat in the cinema had an assassin in it, carrying a rifle, two hand-guns, a sub-machine gun, eight explosive hand grenades, eight phosphorous hand grenades, and a box-cutter.  As well, all the assassins had explosives stuffed in their shoes, beverage cups, underwear, and every bodily orifice.  All the employees in the cinema had been replaced by people in on the assassination plot, including the popcorn seller who laced Moore's drink with strychnine and the flesh-eating bacilli.  There was even a plastic tree in the cinema in which a Ninja warrior was ready to jump on Moore should he stop near it.  It is a stretch to believe that hundreds of assassins knew that Moore was going to walk into that particular cinema at that particular time."

Kael then described the assassination attempt:  "Fifteen minutes into the movie, a signal was given and the assassins all stood up and simultaneously fired all their rifles and guns at Moore who was seated in their center.  The assassins then all threw their hand grenades at Moore, and finally, blew themselves, the cinema, and eighteen surrounding city blocks up with the explosives they were carrying.  The area of cinema was then carpet-bombed for 18 hours straight with planes and bombs that had been stolen from the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force.  Afterwards, eight atomic bombs, all with a thousand times the strength of the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, were dropped on cinema.  Everything in the area was disintegrated, except WCEFAS President Moore, who was seen leaving the area and nonchalantly wiping ash off his shirt.  I find it hard to believe that Moore would lower himself to watch Transformers 3, and how kryptonite wasn't used by any of the assassins. The stuff is easily obtainable in the Expatdom!" 

One person who didn't find President Moore's survival of the assassination attempt implausible was his majesty Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty.  "There is no easy way of putting my pal Harry down!  That is why he was ultimately elected WCEFAS President.  I bet you dollars to donuts that Moore will be the first person to survive a term as WCEFAS president.  Harry has more lives than a cat!"

Asked why it was that being the president of the WCEFAS was more dangerous than being a Roman Emperor in the third century A.D., His Majesty said the following:  "Expatdomites love to spend their spare time shopping for DVDs and then watching them.  There is much else for them to do.  They then have passionate arguments in the pubs about the films they have seen.  Sometimes these quarrels get violent and people die.  Inspector Harry Callahan has even asked me one to ban the sale of DVDs in the Expatdom, but he quickly changed his mind when I told him about freedom and liberty.  Anyway.  Being president of the WCEFAS means making a lot of enemies in the Expatdom!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan said that seven factions of the WCEFAS as well as Communists, Fascists, Environmentalists, Nudists, Islamo-Fascists, Al Qaeda, the KGB, the Comintern, and the Committee to re-elect Barack Obama are under suspicion for having been involved in the plot.  "I fancy that it was the Quentin Tarantino faction of the WCEFAS in connection with Al Qaeda that were involved.  The amount of firepower and sadism used in the assassination attempt is surely a trademark of those two organizations."

The assassination attempt was the twenty ninth in WCEFAS history.  The twenty eight previous attempts have resulted in the death of twenty six WCEFAS Presidents.  Moore, the twenty-seventh president of the WCEFAS, is only the third to have survived an assassination attempt.

Asked if he was worried, President Moore said "I expect more attempts.  We have a lot of fanatics in the WCEFAS, and as long as they direct their fury at me, innocent film fanciers will have nothing to worry about."

Moore had recently been elected President of the WCEFAS at its convention -- a convention so cantankerous that it took fifteen ballots and 40,000 lives before he was finally elected.

Dignitaries Begin Arriving in Wuxi China Expatdom for Great Conservative Smokers & Gun-Owners Summit Meeting

After arriving in the WCE late yesterday afternoon, President Ronald Reagan was given a formal grand reception dinner last night, hosted by King Gorzo The Mighty.

King Gorzo said that other Conservatives will be arriving over the next two days, with the first of the Summit conferences to begin this weekend.

In response, President Reagan said that he felt deeply honoured and
proud to be in the Expatdom. He said that the WCE is a place that "feels just like home to me". "Citizens here enjoy the fruits of democratic rights that we value so very much. I can smoke here, anytime and anyplace I choose, unlike in those marshmallow-nations where the namby-pamby radicals have ruined so many great things."

More Summit delegates will be here soon. Each will be presented with a gold Ronson cigarette lighter as they arrive.