The Wuxi China Expat Film Appreciation Society President's survival of an assassination attempt deemed implausible

Eminent film critics Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert, and Pauline Kael have all said that the Wuxi China Expat Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore surviving an assassination attempt was so miraculous as to seem "implausible."

Said Siskel:  "Harry Moore, on an Sunday evening, walking past the New World Cinema on Zhongshan Road, decided, on a whim, to buy a ticket to see Transformers 3.  And he was able to buy a ticket for a seat located in the middle of the middle row of the cinema.  Getting such a good seat on a whim seems hard to believe.  Especially on the weekend!"

Ebert continuing the narrative said:  "And apparently every other seat in the cinema had an assassin in it, carrying a rifle, two hand-guns, a sub-machine gun, eight explosive hand grenades, eight phosphorous hand grenades, and a box-cutter.  As well, all the assassins had explosives stuffed in their shoes, beverage cups, underwear, and every bodily orifice.  All the employees in the cinema had been replaced by people in on the assassination plot, including the popcorn seller who laced Moore's drink with strychnine and the flesh-eating bacilli.  There was even a plastic tree in the cinema in which a Ninja warrior was ready to jump on Moore should he stop near it.  It is a stretch to believe that hundreds of assassins knew that Moore was going to walk into that particular cinema at that particular time."

Kael then described the assassination attempt:  "Fifteen minutes into the movie, a signal was given and the assassins all stood up and simultaneously fired all their rifles and guns at Moore who was seated in their center.  The assassins then all threw their hand grenades at Moore, and finally, blew themselves, the cinema, and eighteen surrounding city blocks up with the explosives they were carrying.  The area of cinema was then carpet-bombed for 18 hours straight with planes and bombs that had been stolen from the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force.  Afterwards, eight atomic bombs, all with a thousand times the strength of the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, were dropped on cinema.  Everything in the area was disintegrated, except WCEFAS President Moore, who was seen leaving the area and nonchalantly wiping ash off his shirt.  I find it hard to believe that Moore would lower himself to watch Transformers 3, and how kryptonite wasn't used by any of the assassins. The stuff is easily obtainable in the Expatdom!" 

One person who didn't find President Moore's survival of the assassination attempt implausible was his majesty Wuxi China Expatdom King Gorzo the Mighty.  "There is no easy way of putting my pal Harry down!  That is why he was ultimately elected WCEFAS President.  I bet you dollars to donuts that Moore will be the first person to survive a term as WCEFAS president.  Harry has more lives than a cat!"

Asked why it was that being the president of the WCEFAS was more dangerous than being a Roman Emperor in the third century A.D., His Majesty said the following:  "Expatdomites love to spend their spare time shopping for DVDs and then watching them.  There is much else for them to do.  They then have passionate arguments in the pubs about the films they have seen.  Sometimes these quarrels get violent and people die.  Inspector Harry Callahan has even asked me one to ban the sale of DVDs in the Expatdom, but he quickly changed his mind when I told him about freedom and liberty.  Anyway.  Being president of the WCEFAS means making a lot of enemies in the Expatdom!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Chief Inspector Harry Callahan said that seven factions of the WCEFAS as well as Communists, Fascists, Environmentalists, Nudists, Islamo-Fascists, Al Qaeda, the KGB, the Comintern, and the Committee to re-elect Barack Obama are under suspicion for having been involved in the plot.  "I fancy that it was the Quentin Tarantino faction of the WCEFAS in connection with Al Qaeda that were involved.  The amount of firepower and sadism used in the assassination attempt is surely a trademark of those two organizations."

The assassination attempt was the twenty ninth in WCEFAS history.  The twenty eight previous attempts have resulted in the death of twenty six WCEFAS Presidents.  Moore, the twenty-seventh president of the WCEFAS, is only the third to have survived an assassination attempt.

Asked if he was worried, President Moore said "I expect more attempts.  We have a lot of fanatics in the WCEFAS, and as long as they direct their fury at me, innocent film fanciers will have nothing to worry about."

Moore had recently been elected President of the WCEFAS at its convention -- a convention so cantankerous that it took fifteen ballots and 40,000 lives before he was finally elected.