Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Wuxi Expat marries Vending Machine

High Society Wuxi Expat Barton Barwright the third has married one of the vending machines at the Johnkim Cleaning Brush Company in the Wuxi New District.  The wedding was the second highest point on the Wuxi China Expatdom High Society Calendar after the extravaganza  wedding of Neils Bohr to his hairdresser in June.

Before the wedding ceremony,Barwright told the WCE Blog that it was love at first sight when he laid his eyes on Vendy.  "I remember being astounded by her selection of soda, juice, chocolate, and chips on offer.  I was so immediately smitten with her that I put all the coins I had in my pockets into her.  When a bag of chips got stuck on the dispensing ring, I took it as invitation for me to mount and shake her, lovingly of course, and then put my arm into her so I could pull out the tangy flavored meat chips!  She was playing "hard to get the treat!" but I saw right through that!  Within a week, I had Vendy spend the night at my apartment, and before I knew it, she had all my money and my bank card!  I had no choice but to get married after that!  Especially since she owed me three cans of cola!"

The wedding ceremony, held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay's Pub in the 1912 Bar District, was attended by many members of the Wuxi China Expatdom Grand Council including Fred Minkleman, Andis Kaulins, Lloyd Bridges, and Gregory Peck.  They witnessed an emotional ceremony conducted by the veritable Wuxi China Expatdom Cardinal Henry Newman.  Music for the ceremony was provided by the Harry Callahan Experience.  Wuxi China Expatdom Film Society President Harry Moore gave a talk about his ten favorite wedding movie scenes.

There was one humorous moment during the ring-presentation stage of the ceremony.  The bridesmaid who had the wedding bands was Vendy 2, the vending machine beside Vendy 1 in the Johnkim Cafeteria.  No one in the wedding party or the audience had change to put into Vendy 2 to get the rings out.  Best man Dieter Bauer had to run to the nearest convenience store, ten minutes away, to get change.  When the clerk didn't understand Bauer's request to make change, Bauer bought a Snickers bar only to be given paper one rmb notes.  So Bauer ran to another shop, when he bought a pack of Zhongnan Hai Cigarettes and a lighter, and got coin change.  Returning to the ceremony, Bauer put the coins into the Vendy 2, but  pressed the wrong buttons for the selection, so that instead of getting the rings, he got a pack of seaweed.  He ran to the same shop to buy another pack of Zhongnan Hai Cigarettes and another lighter, and got more coin change and a strange look from the shopkeeper.  Returning back to the ceremony, Bauer pressed the right buttons, only to have the ring box get stuck above Vendy's bottom open compartment.  Bauer couldn't get to the ring with his arm, so he and groom Barwright then shook the machine with no success.  Finally, Bauer used a hammer to smash the front window of Vendy 2, and nearly had WCE Police Officer McNulty fully dispense eclectic McNulty justice on him.  As it was, the best man had a broken jaw, missing teeth, and several bruises.

When the rings were finally presented to the couple, WCE Cardinal Henry Newman declared Barwright and Vendy married.  The couple was then rushed to an awaiting U-Haul van which took them to Shanghai's Pudong Airport from where they embarked on a  journey to Saskatchewan for a Christmas Honeymoon.

The Wuxi China Expatdom is the only jurisdiction in the world that allows humans to marry inanimate objects.

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